MA Chapter 9: Behind the Mask

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Khǎi

I am asking myself what I did wrong. No, I probably 'said something wrong' more accurately.

“Sigh.”

I let out a heavy sigh, looking at the bedroom door that has been seized by the little-one I have always been fond of. And it probably will not open until morning. While I think and think again about what I said just now, no matter how I look at it, I think I did not say anything that destroyed Chôoe-Tǎem's goodwill. I just named the things I thought he needed to use. Or did I buy too few? (?)

I turn to look at the things I went to select and buy since morning: clothes, bags, shoes, and even a student uniform. I called a friend repeatedly to ask what a youth of this age would like, thinking over and over whether he would like them or not. But the result is the same as every time.

Chôoe-Tǎem seems not to want them.

“Sigh.” It is another time I let out a heavy sigh. I truly cannot figure out what I should do. Originally, I am a person who does not have much interpersonal skills, because I have avoided people since I was a youth. Therefore, I tell you frankly, dealing with a university youth is not easy at all.

Even though I managed to bring him to live here, even though last night he agreed to sleep in my embrace, one cannot deny the truth...

That youth does not like my face.

The thought makes me frown even more deeply.

I just want to give the best things to him, that is all. Even though the other party has never accepted my goodwill even once, until I even secretly think that Chôoe-Tǎem agreeing to come live here might be using up all the merit I have accumulated throughout my life.

Finally, I can only bend down to pick up the things I bought, then walk to the bedroom door, raise a hand to knock and call out, but then... I hesitate.

Chôoe-Tǎem has encountered enough bad things. I should not take any matter to make him feel more uncomfortable than before. Especially with this expression that friends like to call emotionless. Even though, really, I am not emotionless, I am not a callous person, I am not a person who thinks terrible things. I just... am not good at expressing myself.

No, I have not known how to make facial expressions ever since my parents passed away prematurely. Finally, I walk holding those things straight to the study that I forbade Chôoe-Tǎem from entering.

This room is not as scary as anyone thinks. It is just a wide study room with a desk on one side. On the desk are two computers. One entire wall is a shelf packed with books until it is almost overflowing. Slightly offset is a full-length mirror as tall as a real person. And I walk straight towards it.

The reflection I see is a man with an emotionless face. The black eyes look calm, no different from what I see every day. After that...

Smirk

I raise the corners of my mouth to make it a smile that anyone can do. But instead of looking friendly, I look no different from a villain planning a big deed. The faint smile becomes a mocking smile that I do not understand why I cannot smile like other people smile.

I put the things down, raise my hands to adjust the corners of my mouth to curve upward. It looks like a smile, right? But when I let go... the muscles on my face twitch strangely, until I have to place my hands on the mirror, lower my head, not wanting to see my own peculiar expression.

At all! Whoever said smiling is easy, I argue that it is even more difficult than earning ten million.

I shake my head violently. This is not the time for me to be discouraged, because Chôoe-Tǎem has come to live here. It is not like before when I was the only one approaching. Since I want him to feel the most at ease in this room, I must practice. Even if it is little by little, it is fine. At least we can talk comfortably.

I practice smiling every day, but it seems it has not improved much.

“Just so we can talk.”

Actually, I gave up hope on facial expressions long ago. So, recently, I have been practicing something else.

Whoosh

I look up at the mirror again, then move my lips.

“You take it. I am not charging you.” I know Chôoe-Tǎem has money problems. That youth works almost every job to earn money to put himself through school, and he still does not touch the money Khun Nùk sends. And because I know, I transfer money to him, thinking it is a scholarship. But I get scolded by that youth with an expression halfway to crying.

I do not look down on him. But he often thinks I look down on him.

I just want to help. Because even though I lost my parents since I was a youth too, I did not struggle. The vast inheritance my parents left is more than enough to live comfortably for a lifetime. But that youth is not. Chôoe-Tǎem has encountered many more things than I have, who knows how many times. When I first heard, I just thought... I want to help.

However, my good intentions are brushed off and I am labeled as a despiser of people. Sigh. The sentence from just now is the same. I think I did not speak wrongly. I am not charging him. But I am not sure if, when spoken with a face like this, with my mouth like this, it will be misinterpreted or not.

“I do not need to use these things. You take them.” I try again, but it seems it has not gotten any better, until I have to bend my back in despair. How do I tell him to show my sincerity that I want to help without expecting anything in return?

I look up again, grab one bag of things, and hold it out in front.

“Take it... No.” I myself shake my head violently, take a deep breath, look at the reflection in the mirror, trying my hardest to make the gentlest expression.

“Take it, Ná.” My mouth twitches.

"Take it, Hòe.” My eyes stare intensely.

“Here, try opening it.” My hand moves as if urging.

“I can buy you things like this.” My face looks like a rich guy buying a little-girl!

No! However you look at it, it is not!

I close my eyes, feeling cornered. I drop down to sit on the floor as I do every day, because no matter how I practice, it always ends up like this. I cannot smile, trying to be gentle looks terrible, trying to death does not yield results, until I have to turn to look at the other wall of the study which has a large board full of pinned notes.

Do not worry, this house welcomes you...

If you feel unwell, you can call me...

... Do not think-deeply, I will be the one to comfort you myself...

... Staying here, you do not need to worry, I will do everything to make you feel at ease...

All those are notes I wrote in the early morning, then attached to choose and choose again which sheet I should leave for Chôoe-Tǎem.

If you are not good at speaking, then use the method you are good at instead. My friend advised me like that. And the method I am good at is... writing.

I may be unsocial, it is true, but I have work to do, and it is work that whenever I tell anyone, people just laugh... I am a writer.

However, I am not a writer in Thailand. All my works are in English and are published in America. But even though I have written dozens of works, it does not help at all. I still have to think and think again to choose a single message for that youth. And among the many papers on the board, there is one that stands out more than the others.

The paper in one corner with the message I most want to utter.

Swoosh

I pull it out, stare at the characters that say...

“You make me worry, almost crazy.”

A message I want to tell that youth, but it is difficult... to utter.

After spending almost two hours, finally, I choose the things I think are most necessary for a university student: a bag, student uniform, stationery, shoes (from one of the three pairs), arrange them into several bags, hesitate for a while before deciding to write a short message and stick it on, saying...

... Your Mâe asked me to buy these things...

After that, I contact my relative, request that she say the same as me.

[How can I say that, when all the things are what Khǎi bought for Nông Thǎem? Another thing, I do not agree that Khǎi has to spend this much money for the junior. Just letting him live with you, I already feel considerate enough, it will be terrible already.]

Everything goes as I expected. Chôoe-Tǎem is a youth who knows how to use money because of this woman. The person who speaks in the most disapproving tone.

"I want to give."

[But it should not be that much. Another thing, Nông Thǎem would never believe that I am the one who bought them. Khǎi also knows that I do not have savings enough to buy things like what Khǎi buys. No matter how much I want to give them to him.]

“At least just the necessary things.”

I think the things I selected are ordinary things that general youths use. It is not unusual for youths these days to drive mini coopers all over the place, right?

[Sigh, I do not want to argue about common sense regarding money with Khǎi. I am not rich enough to preach. But fine, if Khǎi wants to give to Nông Thǎem... can I pay for the part that Khǎi says is from me?]

Flatly, “No.” I answer immediately, perceiving the relative's discomfort, before saying, “I really want to give to Chôoe-Tǎem.” I know my tone is still as flat as Chôoe-Tǎem hates, but it seems Khun Nùk understands what I want to convey more than her child, because she lets out a heavy sigh and then speaks out, resigned.

[I will say that the student uniform and shoes are things I asked Khǎi to buy. As for the rest, Khǎi tell Nông Thǎem yourself.]

I feel relieved immediately when the other party agrees to help, because I have observed for a long time that if it is Khun Nùk's words, Chôoe-Tǎem will listen to every word. Whether he agrees or not, that youth will still obey. Therefore, if I add one or two more items, my relative will not know, Chôoe-Tǎem will not know, and if I do not tell, I should be able to force a few more things on him.

The thought makes me feel a small happiness, thinking that he will use the things I give.

After hanging up with my relative, I wait intently for when morning will arrive, for when that youth will accept the things I bought, until I can barely sleep. I do not even know when I dozed off. But just as I am drowsy, about to fall asleep in the study, this sound rings out.

Knock, knock, knock

I bolt upright into a sitting position. Collecting my senses for just a few seconds, I rush to look at my reflection in the mirror to check my condition a bit, then take a breath, and walk to open the study door to meet the youth who looks sullen, both hands holding the things I placed for him tightly.

Shove

“Take your things back. I do not believe that Mâe bought them for me.” The things in both hands are pushed hard against my chest, but I do not accept them, looking into the eyes that reflect suspicion.

“I am telling the truth.”

“I do not believe it. Yesterday I talked with Mâe. Mâe did not tell me about this at all.” Chôoe-Tǎem says stubbornly, fitting for a clever youth, until I play my trump card.

"If you do not believe it, then ask.”

Which makes me cannot help feeling... fond. The other party presses his very red lips together until they form a straight line, looking hesitant to follow my words.

“Or shall I call for you?” I try to speak to him as nicely as possible, but both my expression and tone are still annoying, which makes Chôoe-Tǎem shake his head, take several steps back, put the bags down on the table, and then take out his phone to call Mâe.

The pale youth glances at me warily, and I know I am probably making my usual emotionless face, even though... my heart almost drops to my ankles.

I pray to the sacred beings that Chôoe-Tǎem agrees to believe, please!

“Mâe, Khráp? It is Nông Thǎem. Can I ask you something... Did Mâe ask Khun Khǎi to buy things for Nông Thǎem?” I think I am suppressing a smile, even though in reality my muscles are not twitching. But every time I hear this youth refer to himself as Nông Thǎem with a pleading voice, I cannot help feeling good.

This must be what is called... attractive.

The attractive youth glances at me again, until I accidentally frown, and that makes Chôoe-Tǎem take another step away from me, until I do not understand how the distance that seemed to close yesterday has returned to how it was.

Or does he not like the brand of underwear I gave? Tomorrow I will try buying another brand.

“Mâe, you do not have to spend that much money for Nông Thǎem. It is a waste of money. Nông Thǎem can use anything.” The other side must be lying for me now. A complaining voice with a slight whine comes through.

I do not know what Khun Nùk says, but the youth in front of me is smiling wider and wider... and wider.

Of course, I stare at the white face without looking away. I have known for a long time that Chôoe-Tǎem is an attractive youth. But when the youth with a white face and bright red lips is smiling sweetly and pleasingly, his eyes glistening, I cannot look away.

“Thank you, Khráp, for Mâe saying that Nông Thǎem is always Mâe's child.”

Thud

Suddenly, I freeze, looking at Chôoe-Tǎem who is holding the phone with both hands, looking visibly happy, even though I have seen the pain hidden deep within this youth for a long time.

How would I not know how much the other party thinks-deeply about not being Khun Nùk's true child? Especially now that she has her own true child, this side probably presses himself even lower into the ground. Therefore, just a few words saying he is important make Chôoe-Tǎem look so happy that I feel pain on his behalf.

I want him to rely on me more than this. I... want to be able to help him more than this.

It is probably a thought that is difficult to achieve, because he refuses head-against-the-wall to accept my things. But he instead smiles widely, hangs up, and uses both hands to hug the bags he previously rejected, with a happy demeanor.

Chôoe-Tǎem often shows that he can rely on himself, but really, this youth is unbelievably lonely. The person who turns to look at me with a guilty expression, looking clearly remorseful, then comes towards me bravely yet fearfully. Even though he still maintains distance, it is much closer than before.

"Khun Khǎi."

I am startled inwardly, not expecting to hear the pleading voice of the person who slowly looks up at me, saying in a hesitant voice.

“I am sorry, Khráp.”

“About what?” I frown, making Chôoe-Tǎem avoid my gaze, lower his head, looking even smaller, until I accidentally clench my fist, suppressing all the thoughts flowing into my head.

“For not believing you... and also calling you, uh, insane.” I admit I feel like falling over standing up, since Chôoe-Tǎem has never acted like this towards me. In the past, there were only displeased demeanors and fault-finding tones. But look now... the little-one acting remorseful, both hands hugging the bags of things like hugging a doll, glancing with big eyes at me, alternating with biting his lip nervously...

A clear angel!

What kind of youth is this; why is he this attractive? Both round, big, sparkling black eyes like valuable black pearls from the sea. Skin white, smooth, and delicate like a glazed porcelain doll. A cute, delicate nose that suits the blushing cheeks like someone dabbed pink color on lightly. And that mouth, what does he eat to be that brilliantly red? Both moist and red. And even though he is tall, seeing him up close, I cannot help but think of a small animal. Who is it that sculpted and adorned this youth to be as attractive as an angel...

“Khun Khǎi?”

I almost startle. I did not realize I was almost back in my world of mere imagination. I quickly shake my head, not wanting him to know what I am thinking, looking at the person who called my senses back.

“No... nothing.” But no matter how much I tremble, my voice remains completely still, until he gives a forced smile, then quickly takes a deep breath to continue.

“As for the other things, I will not accept them. I will only accept what Mâe gave, and, uh... ”

Suddenly, the white cheeks become bright red, like my friend often compares to strawberries on white cream... delicious-looking.

"... wear.”

“Hmm.” I quickly push away my own thoughts, not hearing what Chôoe-Tǎem says in time. And my demeanor like this makes the youth in front of me blush even more, like a fully ripe strawberry... delicious-looking again.

“You heard it, didn't you?”

“No, I did not hear.” I truly did not hear; I was not pretending. But it seems the other party thinks I am pretending, because Chôoe-Tǎem blushes even more, scarily, as if he will faint, presses his lips together tightly, and then...

“I said thank you for the underwear, that's what!!!” This time it is clear to both ears, until I blink twice. I do not understand why he is thanking me for just a small item. But it seems Chôoe-Tǎem does not think that way, because his eyes start to well up with clear fluid.

“And also... then... ” The person in front speaks stammeringly, lowers his head a little, then... looks up at me.

“Thank you for letting me live with you, Khráp.”

Snap... Slam!

Chôoe-Tǎem finishes speaking, spins around, and runs into the room, leaving only me standing frozen in place because I just understood the word my friend uses when talking about his romantic partner.

And today I learned several more Thai words. That is... 'attractive to the point of damnation, Wá'!!!

“Attractive to the point of damnation... attractive until my heart will fail.”

***

[And then, Âi'Khǎi?]

[Hahahaha, yeah, I know he is attractive. Ever since you called me, you have only said this word until it is memorized.]

After Chôoe-Tǎem went back to lock himself in the bedroom again, I want to find someone to vent the frustration in my heart to. The only option is my one close friend who accepts the call in the early dawn, even though the image on the screen is still in pajamas with messy hair.

“Chôoe-Tǎem is truly attractive.” I confirm again for my friend named Pòk-pông to hear.

[Khráp, Khráp. He is attractive, then praise him so he can hear. Telling me does not help anything.]

“If I praise him, would Chôoe-Tǎem believe it or not?”

[Speaking from the heart, one day he will perceive... ]

[But what I know... you cannot bother my Phûa this early in the morning!!!]

Suddenly, on the phone screen showing the image of a man with a kind, mature face, an attractive young man appears, rushing in to hug him from behind. But that attractiveness is currently glaring fiercely, eyes cloudy and obstructed, both hands hugging Pòk-pông's neck tightly possessively, glaring at me, then complains.

This youth... Gôk... Pòk-pông's romantic partner.

[Do you know what time this is? I know you are an important close friend of my Pông. Yesterday when you called and interrupted my time with my Phûa, I could forgive you. But this is morning. You cannot wake my Pông, who is hugging me like this, Khun Khǎi!!!] The youth who is complaining with a displeased expression.

[Good youth, do not be angry. It is rare for Âi'Khǎi to be in this good a mood.]

[Pông, do not flirt in front of my friend. I will get jealous, then what?]

I look at the image of my friend who leans in to kiss his romantic partner's cheek, and the one in a bad mood immediately looks visibly happier, there is a kiss back on Pòk-pông's cheek. It is a scene I am used to and have seen for how many months? And I do not know why every time I call, I always interrupt these two, until I cannot help but wonder if I call too often or these two are always at it.

[And Khun Khǎi, him, in a good mood? His scowling face is like a terrorist's, like this?]

[Look carefully, he is smiling, Khráp, that one.]

Pòk-pông is one of the few people in this world who perceives my emotions. I do not know if it is because he is sensitive or what, but that allows me to be friends with this pastry chef.

[Huh? I do not see it at all, knowing he is smiling. And Pông, you, do not need to know Khun Khǎi's heart so well, okay? Otherwise, Gôk will get jealous.]

He is already whining for Pòk-pông to appease him, until I think I should hang up.

“Sorry for disturbing your time. Then I will hang up.”

[Hey, hey, then what about the cake? Should I deliver it or will you come pick it up?]

Before hanging up, Pòk-pông asks first, until I am silent for a moment, because I consulted my friend who is the owner of a dessert shop that I want to do something to welcome Chôoe-Tǎem a bit. Finally, it settled on a piece of cake and a nice message that I thought of myself, and I have decided.

“I will come pick it up myself. Thank you for helping.”

[Goodbye, Khun Khǎi... Then, Pông, let's go back to sleep hugging, okay?]

I am quite fond of Gôk, who says goodbye to me briefly but then turns to cling to Pòk-pông again, until I nod slowly. But...

[Good luck, Khǎi.]

I freeze, looking at my friend who sends a smile full of understanding towards me, until I turn to look at the youth who is hugging Pòk-pông's neck, then nod, understanding well what my friend means.

Pòk-pông has loved that youth for seven years. As for me, I have wanted to take care of a certain youth for several years. We have similar situations. But while Pòk-pông got his wish, my matter has never progressed. I might even have been regressing continuously until Chôoe-Tǎem agreed to come live here... this might be the only opportunity heaven has given me.

“Thanks.”

I hang up, lean back in the office chair, look up at the ceiling with an empty gaze, because sometimes... I envy my friend too.

Knock, knock

“Hmm!” This is the second time today someone has knocked on my study door, until I walk out to open the door.

The person who came to knock takes three more steps back when I walk out, while looking at me bravely yet fearfully.

“I... want to ask if you have any more laundry to add. I am about to do laundry.” The other party has changed into a brand new student uniform (that I believe) Mâe bought for him. In his hands are the clothes he has been wearing since the night of the fire, until I frown abruptly.

“You do not need to rush to work for me. We have not discussed compensation yet... ”

“No, no, no! It is not about work. Uh... ” Before I can finish speaking, Chôoe-Tǎem interjects loudly, then becomes silent again. Both hands clutch the clothes tighter than before. Then he... looks up at me.

Ah, if I get a nosebleed, would it be wrong? (?)

[[Translator's Note: The phrase เลือดกำเดาไหล is the standard term for a "nosebleed" or "nasal bleeding." It is a neutral, descriptive term used in both medical and everyday contexts. The word กำเดา specifically refers to the nostrils or nasal passage. Additionally, in contexts influenced by anime and manga culture (popular in Thailand), this phrase is often used as slang or a euphemism for sexual arousal or excitement, borrowing from the common trope in Japanese media where a sudden nosebleed symbolizes being overwhelmed by something sexually stimulating.]]

“I just want... to repay... ” The angel tells me in a very, very soft voice, until my breath hitches. I am the one who avoids eye contact, before my head recites things that should not be revealed to the world. My mouth accepts the words without much presence of mind.

Today I really must have used up all the merit of my lifetime.

“Then please take this set too.” Since he wants to do it, I want to accommodate him as much as I can. But I cannot think if I have any clothes that need washing. If any, it is only the set I wore since yesterday. And I have not showered or changed clothes because the master bedroom was seized. The other party nods firmly.

“Then you go change... Hey, what are you doing!!!”

I can only turn to look at the person who shouted loudly in surprise, and then find Chôoe-Tǎem making wide eyes looking at me, making me have to look down at myself.

“Changing clothes.” I take off my shirt roughly.

“Then go do it in your room!”

“It wastes time.” Since Chôoe-Tǎem says he will wash now.

I frown, trying to accommodate him, looking at the person who is raising one hand to cover half his face, peeking through his fingers, which looks... so attractive.

"You are shy?"

“N... not shy! Why be shy? We are both men!” He denies loudly, quickly lowering his hand to his side, puffing out his chest, turning to look at me with short-sighted eyes. Those beautifully big, round eyes that I say are like valuable black pearls make my heart tremble. And that makes... a mistake.

Swoosh

I am too busy looking at Chôoe-Tǎem's face, so I do not focus on my fingertips that are hooked on the waistband of my pants, which is also hooked on my underwear. Therefore, when I pull them down to my feet, they... fall down completely.

Moreover...

“Wh... what are you doing with it? Put it away! Put it away, Wôoi!!!” The youth in front complains more severely, looking shocked, cheeks bright red, until I look down.

Damn. I suspect it is because I saw his overly attractive demeanor.

Now the thing that should fall according to gravity is resisting force little by little. This time, Chôoe-Tǎem raises both hands to cover his face, cheeks red like ripe tomatoes, his mouth and throat trembling, his voice trembling all over, but still... peeks through his fingers.

Terrible. Too attractive.

Whoosh

“Hey!!! Why is it getting bigger, Wá!!!” I am trying to restrain myself, but my best friend is more honest than his Phôo's face, because it expands instantly until Chôoe-Tǎem's face is red, ears are red, tears welling up, not to mention staring blankly at the lower part with his senses gone. And staring like this makes me say only one thing:... bloody-fucking-die.

Thump

“Aaah, don't come near me, you perverted psycho!!!"

Thwack!!!

Suddenly, the clothes in Chôoe-Tǎem's hands are thrown to hit my face. The speaker runs swiftly back to close the bedroom door with a slam, leaving me standing still with a calm expression, contrary to some honest part that still indicates the turbulent feelings inside, until I can only bend down to pick up the clothes, and tell myself.

I... really must have used up all my merit, that is it.

As for now...

“Probably have to take it out first.” I say despairingly, but the damned gaze stares at the... shirt in my hand.

Don't, Âi'Khǎi, don't...

My brain warns my senses, but this body, though... pulls it towards myself.