MA Chapter 7: The Proposal and the New Place

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

“Thǎem!!! Thǎem, you are okay, right, my child? You are okay!!!”

The moment I step down from the taxi, Mâe, who is waiting by the house gate, rushes over to feel my body. Her beautiful face in her thirties is wet with tears. Her eyes are trembling with extreme fear, and that tells me how worried Mâe is, until the fear that I might be bothering everyone here lessens unbelievably.

“Mâe, Nông Thǎem is okay, Khráp. I am okay.”

“Thǎem... Nông Thǎem, Hic. Mâe... Mâe was going crazy when Nông Thǎem called to tell... Kwān, oh Kwān, come here, my child.”

Mâe cries, both hands holding my cheeks firmly, inspecting all over my face to see if I am really okay, before moving down to feel my body, pulling my arms up to see that I am okay, until I try to swallow the lump in my throat, being strong for Mâe to see.

“Nông Thǎem is really okay. When I found out about the fire, Nông Thǎem ran out immediately. So only this is left.” I slowly hold up the family photo frame containing me, Phôo, and Mâe, even though I myself feel guilty for only bringing this.

Thud

But then, Mâe gathers me into a tight hug. Now I am much taller than Mâe, so Mâe rests her face against my chest, whereas in the past I was the one who rested against Mâe's chest. It tells me that I have grown up, grown much more than before, so I shouldn't make Mâe worry like this. But at that moment, I freeze, because Mâe says...

“As long as Nông Thǎem is safe, I don't care how much is lost, my child. Nông Thǎem is the most important to Mâe.”

I thought I wouldn't cry anymore, but I end up crying.

Thud

“Mâe, oh.. Nông Thǎem, what to do... what to do... Hic. It all burned. Everything... m... my things are all gone. Hoo.” All the fear transforms into tears. I break down. I hug Mâe back, my body trembling like a little bird. Both hands hugging Mâe's waist are trembling completely, until Mâe reaches out to stroke my head, speaking comfortingly, even though Mâe herself is sobbing.

But Mâe is not sobbing because of material loss. Mâe is sobbing from relief.

“It's okay, my junior. It's okay. Those things can be bought again. It's okay, Thǎem.”

I sob even harder, tears and snot flowing in streams. Then I collapse onto Mâe's shoulder, wanting to tell what happened, wanting to say how scared I was, but I cannot speak out, dare not let Mâe know what I have been through, until I can only hug Mâe tightly.

After I wake up again, I find myself dragged out into the alley. It was my dormmate who both dragged me out, fanned me, and waved smelling salts under my nose. By the time I woke up, the fire was starting to die down, but people were still running around chaotically. Most people started contacting friends and their homes because staying there wouldn't make anything better. I was the same. Why should I sit guarding a dorm that, no matter how you look at it, is clearly beyond salvage? Finally, I decide to use the remaining money in my pocket to hail a taxi home, then call Mâe to tell her what happened.

Since the fire happened late at night, and it hasn't even hit the news yet, most ordinary people are asleep and not listening to the news. So Mâe got scared to death like this.

I know it's not good, but I am glad that Mâe... is worried.

Thud

“Mâe is right. I am also glad that Thǎem is safe.” Uncle says.

[[Translator's note: his stepfather self-describes himself as uncle in dialogue.]]

I forget completely that my stepfather is here too. I become aware when the other party places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently, until I look up to meet his eyes and encounter a kind smile and eyes that show concern, until I sniffle, raising a hand to wipe my face back and forth.

I might be able to show weakness to Mâe, but no matter what, I cannot see my stepfather as someone that close. So I try to smile at him, mumbling my thanks.

My stepfather is not bad. He is a good man. He takes very good care of Mâe, accepts that Mâe has me. But no matter what, I am still not close to him. Âi'Ker even once said it might be because I feel he took Mâe away from me. Even though I deny head against the wall that I am not that selfish, however...

I might be able to lie to the whole world, but I cannot lie to myself.

“I am okay, Khráp, Uncle.”

“Then let's go inside. Nùk, take our child inside. Thǎem has come to us tired.”

“Ah, yes, yes. Come, Nông Thǎem. Let's go inside, my child, okay?” I force a smile, nodding in acceptance, allowing Mâe to lead me by the hand into the house, and then she makes me sit down on the sofa.

“Are you sure, my child, that you are okay?”

“Nông Thǎem is really okay.” I confirm, raising a hand to wipe my face, but Mâe holds my hand, looking into my eyes.

“Nông Thǎem.” Mâe is serious until I listen intently.

“Come back to live at our home, my junior.”

I cannot say anything. And I truly cannot stop myself when I turn to look at my stepfather, until he quickly says.

“Come live here, Thǎem. Don't stand on ceremony with Uncle.”

My Mâe turns to look at my stepfather, then turns back to look at my face again. Both hands move to hold my hands tightly, and the person who once indulged me to go live in a dorm outside says in a serious, almost scary tone.

“Nông Thǎem, Mâe knows that you have always been considerate of us. But don't think like that. No matter when, Nông Thǎem is Mâe's child. No matter if Mâe remarries, or has another child, Nông Thǎem is still Mâe's child... Come back to live with Mâe, my child.”

I am not surprised that Mâe knows what I am thinking. Mâe and I are very close. When I went to live in the dorm, Mâe herself was hesitant. But Mâe indulged me because she saw that I truly wanted that. But now, it seems Mâe will not give in easily, because both hands grip my arms firmly, until I myself hesitate, turning to look at my stepfather again.

“Let's live together, Thǎem.” My stepfather says.

“This place might be far from your university, my child, but Mâe doesn't want Nông Thǎem to live alone anymore. If something else happens, what will Nông Thǎem do? If next time it's not just a fire? What will Mâe do?" Mâe is about to cry again, holding my hands tightly, no different from the day Phôo died, until I myself press my lips together tightly.

Should I really come live with Mâe? I won't bother both of them, right?

My heart beats rapidly. I feel like there is something to hold onto. But at that moment..

“Waaah, Hic, Hic, Hooo"

Gasp!!!

Suddenly, the cry of Nông Thîi-rák echoes through the house, making me startle violently. Mâe herself looks up to the second floor hesitantly, while my stepfather quickly says.

“Nùk, you talk with our child. I will go up to check on Thîi-rák.”

Mâe's demeanor is also indecisive, until I am the one who flips my hand up to hold Mâe's hand.

“Mâe, go check on my junior. Nông Thǎem is okay. See, I am strong and well. But Thîi-rák might be hungry for milk. If Mâe doesn't go up, Uncle can't do anything either, Khráp.” I force a smile, understanding that Nông needs Mâe more than me. And that makes Mâe silent for a moment, then she reaches out to stroke my cheek softly.

“Mâe will be right back. Then Mâe will come get the answer about whether Nông Thǎem will come back to live here.”

I do not answer the question. I watch the person who agrees to go upstairs to check on my six-month-old sister, leaving me alone in the unfamiliar living room. Because since Mâe remarried, she moved to this house. As for me, I decided to move out to a dorm. Therefore, Âi'Ker's house might be more familiar to me than this place.

Thud

My two hands squeeze each other tightly. I turn to look at the photo I brought with me... a photo of Phôo, Mâe, and me.

While the cry of Thîi-rák echoes throughout the house, even though my Nông is just an infant who doesn't understand anything, for me, it is no different from a voice telling me there is no place for me in this house.

This is Mâe's house with her new family.

“It's no use, Thǎem. Your time is up. You can't bother them more than this.”

The thought makes me... tears flow.

***

“What do you mean, my child, that you won't live here?”

After sitting and thinking alone quietly, and Mâe comes down again, I tell what is in my heart, until Mâe replies with a disapproving demeanor, visibly angry that I am being stubborn, as I know Mâe is worried. But I swallow all my feelings, telling Mâe in an ashamed voice.

“Nông Thǎem knows, Khráp, that I am being self-centered. But this place is very far from Nông Thǎem's university.

If I commute, I will lose both time and transportation costs. Nông Thǎem might have to ask Mâe for the dorm fee and deposit first, but Nông Thǎem will work to pay it back... "

“It's not about the money! It's about Mâe worrying about her child!!!" Mâe has never raised her voice at me, but this time Mâe is very angry, until I lower my head immediately.

“Then Nông Thǎem will go live with a friend... ”

"Chôoe-Tǎem!" Mâe interjects in a strong voice, until I squeeze my hands tightly. But I think I cannot live here. It might be my own heart that doesn't want to stay, because I think this place is not my home. It isn't anymore.

The thought makes me use my head heavily about what I should do, how I should persuade Mâe, how I should tell Mâe.

Should I ask Âi'Ker for help? Even though I don't want to bother him, if I say I will live with him until I find a new dorm.

“Mâe, Khráp... "

“No matter what, Mâe will not allow Nông Thǎem to live alone anymore! If next time it's not just a fire, if it's something more serious, and something happens to Nông Thǎem, what will Mâe do? Nông Thǎem, think of Mâe's heart a little."

Mâe interrupts my objection, until I squeeze my hands tightly, tears welling in my eyes because I think there is no way out. And at that moment...

“Then let Chôoe-Tǎem come live with me.”

Snap

Not to mention me turning to look, both Mâe and my stepfather turn to look unanimously, and I have to widen my eyes, because...

“Khun Khǎi!!!"

That handsome-faced but psycho creditor is standing at the door frame!!!

“Khǎi, how did Khǎi get here? Did my child call you?”

No, impossible. There is no way I called him. Even Âi'Ker doesn't know yet.

I shake my head violently, but it seems no one pays attention to me, because now they are looking at the man who is so tall his head almost hits the top of the door frame, who somehow got in, since when is unknown, and is presumptuously entering the house uninvited. But Mâe seems more interested in what was said before.

“And what does Khǎi mean by saying you will let my junior go live with you?”

The handsome-faced villain answers in a flat tone.

“My condo isn't very far from Chôoe-Tǎem's university. If there is a problem with transportation, he can use my car. And he doesn't have to pay for food or dorm fees. Also, if he lives with me, it means he isn't living alone. Khun Nùk herself probably wouldn't have a problem if Chôoe-Tǎem goes to live with me.” He concludes succinctly without asking me a single word, until I myself press my lips together tightly.

“But won't my child bother Khǎi?”

“Mâe!”

I cry out in disagreement, because Mâe speaking like this means she is already hesitating about letting me go live with this guy.

“Or if you don't trust me, I can call to check in every evening.” Khun Khǎi himself ignores my objection, because he continues talking with Mâe, which makes Mâe silent for a moment, but she still doesn't agree.

“I'm not distrusting Khǎi, but I am considerate.”

“I am willing."

“But... ”

“If Chôoe-Tǎem lives here, he has to wake up early to go to class. Also, you yourself have a small child. This youth has homework, reports, needs concentration for studying. A small child will disturb his concentration. Besides being tired from commuting, he will also hear crying all night. I think letting him go live with me saves both time and expenses, and he doesn't have to be tired.” This is the first time I hear Khun Khǎi talk this much, until I can only blink rapidly. Even though he speaks with the same flat tone, I still think he is extremely untrustworthy. But...

"It is true as Khǎi says."

It worked!!!

“Mâe, won't Mâe ask Nông Thǎem first?” I quickly object, because just cleaning his room almost finished me off. If I go live together, I will definitely be crying three times a day after meals.

Tug “Hey!” Suddenly, the person who entered midway firmly grabs my wrist and pulls me out.

Thud

“I request to talk with Chôoe-Tǎem for a moment.”

“Wait, Khǎi, what is this all about?”

Finished speaking, he doesn't ask for my opinion a single word, doesn't listen to Mâe's objection, because he immediately drags me out in front of the house, until I have to cry out in a whisper, not wanting Mâe to worry more than this.

“Let me go! If there is anything, we can talk inside the house.”

“Or do you want to come back to live at home?"

I here fall completely silent, letting him lead me out to the front of the house, which makes Khun Khǎi turn back to make eye contact.

“You don't want to live in this house, do you?” he asks.

“Why... why would I not want to live here?” I object with a stammer, disliking that he can guess my thoughts, and even says something that hits so hard.

“Because there is no place here for you.”

I press my lips together very tightly, because I feel like crying. I really dislike that the other party exposes the darkness in my heart like this, until I myself open my mouth to object that it's not true.

No way, how could I not want to live in a place where Mâe is?

“Even if everyone here welcomes you, you will still feel there is no place for you. Even if you have Khun Nùk, you think this is Khun Nùk's new family's home, not yours. So why would you endure living here... "

“Don't talk like you know so well!!!”

I cannot stop myself in time. I don't think that this is the creditor. I yell at him, raising my other hand to wipe my tears.

“You don't know anything at all... you don't know how I feel... what it's like. You have no way of knowing.”

I sob in my throat, crying like a helpless little youth, because deep in my heart I know he is right. The words that I was born an obstacle still echo in my head. But what should I do? I want to live with Mâe, but I don't want to come obstruct Mâe's happiness. But then the person I hate, whose face I despise, says in a tone... of understanding.

“Why would I not understand, when I lost both my Phôo and my Mâe when I was even younger than you?”

Thud

I freeze. I look up through the curtain of tears, and I think even though the other party's face is flat, why is it, why do I feel that Khun Khǎi... is sad.

“I understand, Chôoe-Tǎem. I understand more than you think I understand.” He tells me in a softer tone, and even though his expression and demeanor are no different from the original villain, the palm holding my wrist is unbelievably warm, as if transmitting encouragement.

“Go live with me. Do you agree?”

I still shake my head. I have many reasons to refuse this invitation: we don't know each other, we aren't close, we have no connection. I cannot cause trouble for this person. But before I can arrange my words, the person who somehow appeared in the middle of the night says in a tone... of negotiation.

“I am not letting you live for free. You've seen that I am a person with no discipline when working.

When I work, I will not pay attention to anything around me at all. So, you are already working for me. You can consider it as helping all week in exchange for room and board. And from now on, I will pay you a salary. And if you still want to pay off the debt, you can deduct that portion... Do you agree with this proposal?”

I want to object, but when I think about it, finding a dorm midway is not easy, not to mention the deposit. If I go to live there, it means working and living there. It is still at an acceptable level, until I lower my head to look at my own hands, while Khun Khǎi speaks with a sentence that makes me... stunned.

“If you have no place of your own, then go live in my place.”

Why is the scene blurry? Why are Khun Khǎi's hands holding me trembling all over? At that moment, I realize that I... am crying.

Tap

I should push his hand away, right? But I can only stay still, only take a deep breath, when Khun Khǎi raises his hand to place it on my head. His words echo in my heart.

“Then it's settled.”

At that time, I can only answer...

“Uh-huh.” After that, I stand wiping my tears, letting Khun Khǎi lead me by the hand into the house and be the one to negotiate for me to live outside. And this time, perhaps because Mâe sees that there is someone to help take care of me, even though reluctantly, Mâe agrees.

Now I can only tell myself... I must be okay. No matter where I am, I must be okay.

“Do you only have this much belongings?”

“Khráp. They all burned.”

Inside the beautiful mini cooper that he once gave me, the person behind the steering wheel is trying to make conversation, even though I am not in the mood to talk at all. Tonight I have encountered a lot: the fire, the matter with Mâe, plus deciding to go live with the person next to me. Therefore, I look out the window, thinking about what I should do from now on.

Tuition fees are approaching, but I have to buy all new things: student uniforms, study equipment. And I still have to host programs. Now I only have one mobile phone and a few clothes that are at Mâe's. So, I have to think now that I am moving in, what I should do first.

Squirm, squirm

Damn, why is the scene blurry again?

“Sleep. I will wake you when we arrive.”

I want to sleep, but I cannot sleep. It's not because I am with this dangerous man, but I feel that even if I try to death, I still cannot sleep, until I am the one who mumbles.

“How did you know my dorm caught fire?”

“I saw the news.”

That's right. Acting as if he was watching over me or something.

I look down at my own hands, where the warmth still remains there, feeling a bit better about the other party. At least he helped me.

“You could stay with Mâe tonight.”

“I can't. If I stay... I will go back to clinging to Mâe again.” Mâe herself wanted me to stay overnight at home, but I cannot. If I really do that, I might become stubborn and refuse to live outside again. I might cling to Mâe day and night, might be selfish and want Mâe to be with only me. So, I cannot do that.

Once again, the other party only remains silent in response, turning to look at the road and driving to the luxurious condo.

This time is the first time I enter his room without being forced, and then I stand blankly in the middle of the room, not knowing where I should be, or which room. And it seems the owner of the room knows, because...

Thud

"Come here."

I yield to the pull of his force, too tired to argue anymore, thinking he will probably give me a bedroom to rest my head in for a while. Not...

“This is your room.”

I object, my voice faltering, turning to look at him with wide eyes as the other party retorts.

“I won't assault you. Go to sleep.”

“But... "

“Sleep.” When Khun Khǎi repeats with a still face, what can I do? I am already living here. I can only lower myself to sit on the bed.

Flump

“Hey, why are you coming up too?” I almost spring up when the owner of the room also sits down on the bed, but I am not fast enough...

Thud

“Hey, Khun Khǎi!” He gathers my waist and pulls me down to lie on the bed until I can only cry out loudly. Both legs and arms are about to push me away to escape, but I am stopped when the deep voice is the one who speaks first.

“Go to sleep. If you want to cling, cling to me. You have encountered enough heaviness tonight.”

Thud

I am still. I cannot speak. Even when I am pulled down to lie in the middle of the bed again, I can only look into the eyes of the owner of the embrace, who looks down to meet my gaze equally, and the hand hugging my waist moves to stroke my head.

“If you want to cry, then cry.”

I don't know why, even though these words are blunt, short, and devoid of any detectable tenderness, why do the tears that I thought had dried up flow out again? I can only let him pull me into a hug. My face rests on his broad chest. Both hands move to grip the other party's shirt tightly, while the sound of crying escapes from my lips.

“I... have no place to go back to anymore... none. Hic... Nông Thǎem has no place to live... anymore... Phôo... Mâe... are gone... nothing is left... Nông Thǎem... Hic... no... ”

I hate myself for being whiny with a person whose face I despise, but I cannot reject the warmth of the body embracing my frame. It is like the moment Mâe hugged me at Phôo's funeral.

I feel... safe.

Thud

Khun Khǎi does not say anything more. He just hugs my body tighter. No matter that tears are soaking into his shirt, snot is staining it with spots. He just holds me, letting this homeless youth express as much weakness as his heart desires.

“Nông Thǎem... Hic... is tired... very tired... ”

No matter how I try to be strong, really, I am just a weak person who needs support, until I can only tell myself that I am doing this because Khun Khǎi is like the last piece of wood floating by on the water. If I don't hold onto it... I will have no support left.

“You have tried well, Chôoe-Tǎem... you have done well.”

“Hic”

Actually, I might want someone to praise me that all my efforts so far are not in vain. Therefore, when he speaks as if sitting in the middle of my heart, I sob, my body trembling, gripping his shirt firmly, closing my eyes, letting the clear drops flow down to bathe my cheeks. And I myself... I myself who snuggles into the warmth.

I feel that he is stroking my head, and then a whisper sounds by my ear.

“If you have no place to live, this place... is your place.”

I don't know if the place he means is this condo or what exactly, but I snuggle my face against his chest, feeling the safest tonight. And that whole night, I only cry, hugging the person I tell myself I hate the tightest, as if holding onto this place for myself.

At that time, I have no idea that this place will truly become my place... even if it takes a long time.