MA Chapter 6: Flames of Memory

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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

“Âi'Thǎem, you (meung) stop eating instant noodles with rice for once, Wá! How far with this miserliness are you (meung) going to go!”

“Everyone does it.”

“Yeah, other people do it. But they eat the whole packet of noodles with rice because they aren't full. But you (meung), here you (meung) are making half a packet at a time to eat with rice because you (meung) are a misser. The purpose isn't even the same anymore.”

Right now I am sitting cross-legged in front of the small Japanese table. In front of me is a bowl of tom yum shrimp flavored instant noodles with rice poured into it. Meanwhile, my close friend, Âi'Ker, is standing next to me, and he (man) is starting his lecture on the philosophy of eating noodles with rice, ending with a talk about nutrients, as if he (man) is a nutritionist himself.

“And you (meung), go on and eat it. It's nothing but starch and starch. Eat some meat, eat some vegetables. I (kuu) don't know what you (meung) use to be this attractive eating like this."

“Yeah, whatever I (kuu) care. And you (meung), what did you (meung) eat already?”

“I (kuu) already ate. With your (meung) junior from the same Rahad, that one.”

I freeze for a moment. I look up at my close friend, who is raising his eyebrows at me, forcing me to ask again to confirm.

“Âi'Têl, right?"

“You (meung) only have one junior from the same Rahad, who else could it be? That little little-one, Nông Têl, that's who. Today he (man) came looking for you (meung) at the room, whining that he (man) wanted you (meung) to treat him to a meal. But, you know how it is, right? My friend, he (man) is stingy. If there are no more classes for the day, he (man) will come back to eat in the room. So the junior had no merit to get to eat money for once.” Âi'Ker says laughingly, and then he (man) drops down to sit beside me until I have to say in a strong voice.

[[Translator's note: เติ้ล (Têl) and ลิตเติ้ล (Lít-Têl). He habitually uses doubling on the implied little by adding Thai diminutive terms to it. Was prepared to see things that gets translated as tiny little and little little.]]

“I (kuu) am not stingy. I (kuu) am just thrifty.”

“My house calls it miserly,” he (man) retorts back, raising a hand to rest his chin, looking at my face, until I have to pout, then bend down to continue eating my own noodles. I ask with my mouth as well.

“And what did you (meung) take Têl to eat?”

“Shabu in front."

Snap

“How much?” Instead of asking if the junior is full, this time I ask the price first. My close friend answers with a wide grin, following the style of the handsome Phîi Ker.

"Five hundred only. [$15 US]”

“Hah! Instead of you (meung) treating my Rahad junior, wouldn't it be better if you (meung) treated me (kuu), Wá!” I almost throw the noodle bowl away. In my heart, I do want to eat the tender meat, the sweet vegetables, and the rich, thick broth. The more I hear that my close friend went to treat the junior instead of treating me, the more I cannot help but feel irritated, until Âi'Ker laughs and stretches his hand out to shake my head playfully.

“Chôoe-Tǎem, Khráp, Chôoe-Tǎem. If you (meung) are jealous of Ker, why don't you (meung) tell me directly, Lâ Khráp?”

He (man) is still playing around, even putting on that sweet, shrill smile that makes girls melt all over again, until I have to turn my head away from his hand, saying in an annoyed voice.

“We are not in front of the camera. No need for service.”

Âi'service-minded-one laughs loudly, then agrees to answer the question properly.

“Okay, okay. The reason I (kuu) went to treat Nông Têl is because I (kuu) feel sorry for the junior. Every time he (man) comes, his senior from the same Rahad is always stingy. You (meung) think about it. I (kuu) treat your (meung) Rahad junior no less than twice a month. But you (meung) have only treated him (man) to a meal at the cafeteria once, when you (meung) revealed you were from the same seniority line. So I (kuu) performed the duty of a good friend by taking the junior out to eat.”

“Just don't 'eat' Âi'Têl along with it,” I cannot help but interject, while thinking of that tall Rahad junior who is taller than me, but his personality is clearly that of a little dog. When he (man) runs to find me, it's like seeing a tail wagging. Late at night, he (man) calls with a pleading voice, clinging to my legs.

Phîi Thǎem, Phîi Thǎem, Khráp!!!

“You (meung) know that's not my type. I (kuu) don't like the cutesy type,” my friend answers frankly, before nodding towards the soggy noodles mixed with rice that don't look edible at all compared to shabu, and then asks.

“But what about you (meung), living like this, you (meung) will die early, you know.”

“I (kuu) already told you (meung) about my debts, right?” I answer with a voice even more weary and annoyed than before. And I myself... am tired in my heart.

“Oh, that thing where you (meung) went to listen to the TV people, right? I (kuu) told you (meung), if you (meung) just spread your legs once, the matter would be settled for sure.”

“Âi'Ker!!!” I call his name loudly, snap turning to look at his face, which is laughing uproariously, before he (man) stretches his hand out to play with my hair again. His handsome face is adorned with a playful smile, and he (man) even adds reasons to support his claim.

“Just think about it, Thǎem. You (meung) walk around cutely every day and still have a million baht transferred into your account. If you (meung) spread your legs just once, I (kuu) will give you (meung) ten million myself. The price for opening your purity. They say in the old days there were auctions for opening a virgin's purity. You (meung) go list on a virginity auction website. Then I (kuu) will send a secret message to your (meung) Khun Khǎi, and I (kuu) will help bid up the price. I (kuu) guarantee ten million is easy.” I want to stab his eyes with my fork, but I can only turn my head away from his hand, and answer in a strong voice.

“Dream on, Hòe!”

Âi'Ker laughs again. He (man) seems to have far too much fun teasing me about this. Before he (man) says with a more serious demeanor than before.

“You (meung) are so stubborn, Âi'Thǎem. If you (meung) would soften up a bit more and go ask your (meung) Mâe for help, is there any way Khun Aunt Nùk would not help? She (man) loves you (meung) to death. Sometimes he (man) even secretly calls me to ask if you (meung) are really doing well.” The handsome one says in a proper tone. As for me, I already know that Mâe calls him (man) occasionally, and we have rehearsed well that he (man) should say that I am okay, I am doing well, the work I do earns enough money for me to support myself.

At first, Mâe did not believe it. But after being told many times, plus sometimes Mâe has even watched when I host a program, it seems she has become a little less worried. However, she still transfers money into the account every month. But I have never touched that amount of money. I separated the account. I plan that when my junior is older, I will give all of this money to my junior.

That is what Âi'Ker means when he (man) says I am stubborn.

“You (meung) know that I (kuu) don't want to bother Mâe.”

He (man) shakes his head at the words, before throwing himself down on the bed, saying in a disapproving tone.

“Just because one person says you (meung) are an obstacle does not mean Khun Aunt Nùk will see you (meung) as an obstacle... "

“But it cannot deny the truth that I (kuu) am the one who hinders Mâe's progress.” I raise my voice louder than before. Even though I do not intend to argue with Âi'Ker, whenever it comes to this matter, I am never calm even once. The voice that comes out is both hard and displeased, making the person lying on the bed raise both hands in a gesture of surrender, until I have to say in a softer voice.

“I (kuu) am sorry.”

“Yeah, I (kuu) know. Whenever it comes to big house matters, you (meung) are always like this.” He (man) says understandingly, before bouncing up to sit straight, but still refusing to change the subject.

“You (meung), don't take to heart what that-menace-of-a-woman said. You (meung) yourself are the one who will suffer. He (man) is not affected by you (meung) at all. He (man) swallowed all the assets ten years ago. Actually, you (meung) are already past twenty. You (meung) can sue him (man), Wôoi. You (meung) yourself have rights to the assets too. Should I (kuu) have my lawyer handle it for you (meung)? Let's take the bloody fuck until he (man) is bankrupt.” I am silent. I do not answer the question, because the events of that day flash into my head.

I already said that the Mâe who is raising me now is not my true Mâe. But my true Mâe herself never registered her marriage with Phôo... My Phôo had three Mias.

My family is complicated. I myself do not know many things about the past. I only know that Phôo was caught in a forced marriage with the first Mia. But Phôo did not love her. Phôo loved my true Mâe, whom he had been with for many years. Even when Phôo was married, the two of them still could not break up. Until I came along, my Phôo therefore abandoned the family that his parents found for him to live with my Mâe. That is what made the first Mia both love and hate, saying she would allow him to leave the house, but she would request to register the marriage until death. Therefore, when Phôo met Mâe Nùk... Phôo still had never divorced the first Mia.

However, Phôo never went back to that Mia. They lived in separate houses. They separated everything from each other. The only thing still connecting them was the marriage registration that had never been divorced. Then Phôo met Mâe Nùk. Mâe herself knew the story. But Mâe is too good of a person. She is good enough to accept a Phôo who has a ready-made junior. Plus, he is a man who has no right to register a marriage with anyone else.

Moreover... Phôo's life ended too soon.

Phôo died in a car accident. He had no chance to even write a will. Therefore, all the property assets became the property of the principal Mia. Even though I am the only son, at that time I was only ten years old. Mâe herself had no one to help. Before I knew it, the other side used lawyers to manage everything until Mâe was left with only one car and some money that Phôo had put into an account for her. But that principal Mia has never forgotten the grudge she held against Phôo.

On the night of the funeral, that woman appeared with a pitiful smile and told me...

You are a youth who should never have been born. Do you realize you are just an obstacle in other people's lives? And now you are an obstacle in your Mâe's own life. How pitiful. Still young, still beautiful, has to take in a parasite to raise.

At that time, I was only ten years old. I may not have understood everything, but I stood watching Mâe argue with that woman, both in tears, asking for humanity from a heartless-person. But what could there be besides looks of disdain and scorn and saying to send me to an orphanage? But Mâe refused. Mâe hugged me and said Mâe would take care of it herself. Mâe would raise me herself... I am Mâe's child.

I cannot cause more trouble for Mâe than this, because I... do not want to be an obstacle.

“Yeah, whatever. Don't make a face like you're about to cry like that.” I do not even know that Âi'Ker is shaking my head like a youth again, until I try to force a smile.

"Sorry"

“Sorry for what, Khráp? Come on, go wash your face and eyes. Since you (meung) aren't going to your (meung) Khun Khǎi's house today, this Phîi Ker here has come to help you (meung) to the point of selling himself, so?”

What can I say to him (man) except the word...

"Thank you"

“Phôo, Há. Will Mâe be happy?”

“She will be happy. Well, Nông Thǎem chose it by himself, didn't he?”

“Uh-huh.”

I do not know where I am. I am just sitting and looking at a familiar scene that seems to have happened a long time ago... An attractive youth who is hugging a bag of accessories tightly to his chest, turning to talk to the Phôo sitting in the driver's seat. They are talking about a small gift that will be given to the most valuable woman for both of them.

Is this Phôo?

I ask myself. But I myself am not sure. I cannot remember anything like this happening before. I only know that it is familiarly indescribable, while turning to look at the youth who is excited and happy with the thing in his hand, and then he turns to look at me.

I am sitting in the back seat, right.

“Phôo, Há. Will Mâe like this Vietnamese food restaurant?”

“We won't know until we try. We'll know tonight.” The driver turns to wink at his child, while the youth twists his body, reaching out to grab a clear bag containing a large box with swirling letters saying it is a delicious flavor of nem nuong. The little master mutters that he will open the box and unwrap it to eat right then and there, until the person who is Phôo asks jokingly.

“Nông Thǎem likes to eat vegetables like Mâe, right?”

“Uh-huh. Nông Thǎem likes.”

“That's right. How many ten-year-old youths sit eating mangosteens by the kilo?”

“The teacher said mangosteen is a fruit, Há, Phôo. It's not a vegetable.”

“Haha, then that means Phôo is wrong, right?”

“Yes, yes. Phôo is wrong, Há.”

The two, Phôo and son, talk happily, while the youth unbuckles his seatbelt and climbs to sit next to me when the car is stuck in traffic. But those pair of eyes do not show any sign of seeing me at all, because they are only looking at the many things placed on the footwell. His mouth asks repeatedly.

“Can Nông Thǎem eat an orange?”

“Of course. Can you peel it yourself?”

“Very easily.” The youth says enthusiastically, while picking up one orange and starting to peel it skillfully. He also uses a tissue to wrap the peel. Then he peels out the beautiful orange flesh and reaches over the seat back to feed it to the mouth of the person who is Phôo.

“Does Phôo want to eat?”

“Eat, eat. Since Nông Thǎem peeled the orange.”

Laughter echoes throughout the entire car, until I myself let out a faint smile. Because this must be a happy memory from the past, I suppose. I must have eaten too many noodles, talked too much, been too tired, or listened to Âi'Ker talk about old things too much. That's why I fell asleep and dreamed of Phôo like this. Until I myself do not see... a car that is rushing over the barrier towards us.

Screeech

Crash!

I startle violently. I look up to see the car in the opposite lane rushing head-on towards us, until Phôo swerves with all his might, shouting loudly. But it is no use. That car rushes in and rams into the side of our car with full force, until the whole car spins out of control in the middle of the road, amidst the sound of the youth crying out in fear, loud in the passenger compartment.

"Nông Thǎem, duck! Duck down!"

“Phôo, Phôo, Há! Nông Thǎem is scared... Phôo!!!"

Phôo shouts loudly, which makes the youth quickly curl up into the gap of the footwell. The sound of crying echoes everywhere. I cannot speak. I cannot do anything. It is as if my two hands and two feet are pinned in place, forced to watch the image of Phôo, drenched in blood, sitting behind the steering wheel, along with the car spinning violently about to stop, while I instead cry out.

"Phôo, Phôo, Khráp, Phôo!"

The youth himself startles and clings to Phôo. Strangely, even though the impact is this strong, this youth is without even a scratch. There are only tears covering his face, and two hands shaking the body of the Phôo who is about to breathe his last.

Still, everything is not over yet. The smell of burning is wafting thickly into my nose, amidst the sound of the youth crying, trying to wake Phôo up. But the blood-soaked body can only say...

“Thǎem, listen to Phôo... Get out, my child. Get out of the car.”

“No! Thǎem is not going!”

“Is the good youth not listening to Phôo's words anymore? Get out of the car first. I will follow you out, no... Nông Thǎem, get out, then find people to help Phôo... "

“Phôo will follow, right? You will follow, right!”

The youth asks in a choked voice, making Phôo smile at him, until the person listening agrees to follow. He wipes the tears from his face, then turns to look at the rear window behind Phôo's seat, which is shattered so finely that there is a small gap just enough for the youth to squeeze his body out through. The small voice asks again.

"Thǎem will quickly find people to help."

Phôo gives him a smile again, but does not answer anything. He only looks down at the lower part of his body that is shattered to pieces. There is no way to pull himself out. He can only turn to look at his child who runs out of the car, then runs to find people who have stopped their cars to watch the incident. But there is no one at all who dares to run in. And I myself know why.

The car is about to explode.

The smell of burning is wafting thickly into my nose, which comes from the car opposite that crashed into us with full force, and it is spreading to this car. Until Phôo can only look at the youth who is running to cry for help, asking for anyone to please come help Phôo. But how could there be anyone brave enough when flames are spreading and licking all over the entire car? Even I, sitting and watching the incident, can do nothing.

Someone, please help Phôo. Someone, please. Phôo Nông Thǎem is hurting. Please help Phôo. Please, please, Há.

I can only think repeatedly, hearing that youth's voice echoing in my head. But it is too late. Because the last thing I see is flames blowing in fiercely from all directions, burning the body that is about to run out of breath to sleep... forever.

Cough, cough, cough

I open my eyes, waking up full of tears. I can only look at the familiar ceiling of the dormitory. But there is no time to sit and review the blurry dream, because the ceiling that was once familiar is instead full of... smoke!

Cough, cough, cough “Shit-lizard... what the fuck is this?”

I am choking on smoke. I can barely breathe. The only thing I can think of in my head is... fire!

This time, I am fully awake. My two eyes widen. I raise a hand to firmly cover my own mouth, because it seems the burning smell I smelled in the dream is more like a real thing that is happening now. I try to collect my senses, even though my chest is pounding hard with fear.

Thump

Gasp “Huuuh, cough, cough.”

I flip over and fall down from the bed. Luckily, the air below is still breathable, so I suck in a huge gasp, then cough out hard. I am fully panicked. I admit I am scared and almost crazy. Even though the fire has not yet spread to my room, for some reason I am shaking. I am shaking all over.

“Fire!!! Fire! Get out of the dorm quickly!”

“Hey, fire! Wake up, you (meung)! Wake up, Wá!!!”

Bang, bang, bang

I hear running sounds coming from in front of the door, the sound of knocking on the door. And that might help squeeze out the adrenaline, because I manage to get up quickly. Then I do not need to think much about what I should take out of the room, because the first thing I grab is the family photo frame. Luckily, my mobile phone is nearby. My wallet is not far from that. Then I rush to the notebook that I use to make a living. But...

“Âi'shit-lizard, come loose, Wá!!!"

The power cord is tangled with the extension cord!

“Cough, cough, cough.” However, a large group of smoke is floating into the room, and it tells me... there is no time left.

You (meung) don't die. You (meung) cannot die. You (meung) don't want Mâe to cry, isn't that right, Wá?

“Ouch, bloody fucking it! Your (meung) life is more important, Âi'Thǎem!”

The smoke is making me unable to breathe. Therefore, I decide to abandon the most valuable things in this room, and rush to the door. Luckily, the fire has not reached it yet. But just opening the door, I see the other side of the building is on fire! That's it. I myself run down from the building without thinking about my life too, raising one hand to cover my mouth. And I am thinking only one thing.

I (kuu) refuse to die here for sure. I (kuu) refuse!

I do not take long before I run swiftly out to meet the pure air outside the building until I succeed.

I am panting for breath until my body is heaving. I almost throw myself down to sit on the ground.

“Hey, are you (meung) okay? Breathe deeply.”

Someone catches me. It is probably the friend from the next room who is telling me to breathe deeply, while turning back to look at the dormitory where I have lived for two years, and the flames are spreading, licking the building room by room in a way that no one can stop it. The sound of fire engines is echoing throughout the whole alley. But...

“They say the fire engines cannot get in.”

“Âi'shit-lizard alley! My stuff! All of my belongings!”

Someone behind shouts in frustration, while the truth hits me right in the face. I have been here for two years. Therefore, everything I have earned with my own hands my whole life... is in the conflagration.

“Hey, Thǎem. Are you (meung) okay?”

I do not answer the dormmate's question, because I am letting clear teardrops fall from my two eyes. My body is trembling, with the thought that I have lost everything I obtained with my own hands. Moreover, these scary-colored flames are making me afraid. I am so afraid that my body shakes, feeling like I cannot breathe, as if it is making some terrible memory that is deeply embedded surface in my heart again.

“Phôo”

I do not understand why I am calling for Phôo. I cannot even remember being in that car. So why did I dream like that? Is it because the fire is burning the dorm? Is it because the smoke is entering my lungs? Is that why I dreamed something like that? But for sure, the reason I am crying is not only because all my things are being destroyed, but I am crying because... I am afraid of it.

I am afraid of loss, like the time I lost Phôo to the flames.

“What the fuck should I (kuu) do! How will I (kuu) tell my Phôo and Mâe, Wá!”

“Like this, my Mâe will definitely not let me (kuu) come out to live in a dorm again.”

“Shit-lizard! How could the fire burn, Wá!!!”

I hear some people shouting curses. Some are crying in frustration. Some are asking for responsibility, asking who will take responsibility for this matter. Some are trying to contact their Phôo and Mâe. And what about me? Should I tell Mâe or not? If I tell Mâe, Mâe will be troubled again. I have struggled to come out and live alone successfully. But I... have to go be an obstacle to Mâe again, is that it?

"You are just a parasite."

Suddenly, the words of that heartless-person woman echo in my head, until I shake my head violently.

No. I (kuu) am not a parasite. I (kuu) do not cause trouble for Mâe... No.

Thump

“Hey! Thǎem! Âi'Thǎem!!!"

I start to be unable to breathe again, even though I am in front of the dorm and not affected by the fire. But I cannot breathe. I feel the air is thinning. I feel like my last place to stay is gone. I have no place to go back to anymore. That place is Mâe's happiness. It is Mâe's new family. If I have no dorm to live in, no money, then where will I go?

Phôo... where did Phôo say he would not abandon Nông Thǎem?... Phôo, Khráp...

How can thoughts like this enter my head? They come back to make my heart hurt again. Why? Why do I not have a place to stay like other people? Why is there no place that opens its arms to take me back safely every time? Why? Why am I not Mâe's true junior? Why do I have to be born as an obstacle to Mâe's happiness?

If I were Mâe's true junior, I would not hesitate at all to go back and beg for a safe embrace. But it is not... I cannot do that anymore.

Mâe... why is Mâe not Nông Thǎem's true Mâe? Why does Nông Thǎem have to be called an obstacle? Is Nông Thǎem really one, right? Is Nông Thǎem an obstacle to Mâe, right?

That is the last thought, before everything turns dark.