MA Chapter 34: Je t'aime

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Perspective Khǎi

“Phôo! Phôo!!!”

Chôoe-Tǎem opened the door and got out of the car, until I had to hurriedly yank my door open to follow, grabbing his body which was making a move to run toward that overturned car from which smoke was wafting up from the engine. The screams of people in the car reached the spot where we were standing. But I heard only the sound of Chôoe-Tǎem who was wailing for his Phôo. His frightened eyes were as if he had returned to childhood, the same as me.

If his condition was much more severe than mine, until I had to brush that fear away.

“No, Chôoe-Tǎem, don’t go in!” I gathered him into my embrace. But he struggled, looking toward the overturned car from which gasoline was flowing out of the tank. I don’t know what he saw. But what I saw from here was that someone was struggling to get out through the car window.

“Let go! Phôo, Phôo told Nông Tǎem to call for help. Phôo told me (Chǎn), Tǎem has to help Phôo!”

He struggled to break free from my embrace. But I still held his body tight.

My nose caught the smell of gasoline carried by the wind to here. While the person in the pickup truck managed to kick himself out of the vehicle, the car that was hit still had people trapped inside.

“Chôoe-Tǎem, he is not your (Thooe) Phôo!” I tried to call back the senses of the youth in my embrace. I knew from Senior Phîi Núk that he had lost some memories in the accident.

Senior Phîi Núk recounted that Chôoe-Tǎem passed out after his Phôo’s car exploded, then regained consciousness in the hospital without remembering the events that happened in that car. The doctor said Chôoe-Tǎem’s mind had blocked this part of the memory to prevent him from being hurt. And no one thought to revive his memory. However, today, right now, Chôoe-Tǎem is remembering. And I couldn’t bear to see him crying desperately to run into that car.

Slump

“Chôoe-Tǎem, look at me!”

“No, Phôo…”

“Look at me!” I shouted at him. And that made the person whose face was wet with tears turn to look me in the eye.

“Your (Thooe) Phôo told you (Thooe) to run out to find help, right?” He nodded through his tears.

“Phôo… Phôo told Nông Tǎem to run to find help. But there was no… no one helped. There was no

Phôo…”

“Yes there is, Chôoe-Tǎem. There is someone who will help you (Thooe) and Phôo. Yes there is!!!” I was still shouting in his face, holding him back from turning to look at the thing that was calling his painful memories back. If he was still hurting from the events of that day, I would do everything to extract that childhood poison from him. Even if not all, if it (man) made him better, I would do it (man).

"No…”

“Yes there is. The person in front of you (Thooe). If I had been there, I would have gone in to help your (Thooe) Phôo!” If I had been there that day, I would not have let him stand crying, watching the flames burning his Phôo’s body with a pained, tormented expression. I would never have let him make a face like that. And before he could compose himself to understand what I meant.

Slump

“Hold this youth. Don’t let him go in!” I ordered the person who had run down to see the incident and was pulling out his phone to film a clip until I wanted to punch his face to a pulp. Because instead of using the time to help, he was recording the death of others. And that made that man hurriedly restrain Chôoe-Tǎem.

After that, I leaned close to his ear.

“If I could exchange my life for your (Thooe) Phôo’s, then you (Thooe) wouldn’t have to be hurt. I am ready to exchange.”

“Hey!!! Wait a minute, you (Khun)! The car is about to explode! Don’t go in!”

I didn’t listen to the prohibition. I ran to the wrecked car that was lying on its back along with the smell of burning that was billowing. I didn’t know how much time I had. But I would do what ten years ago no one ever did for Chôoe-Tǎem.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi, no, no, don’t go. Let me (Kuu) go, Hǎ! Let me (Kuu) go!!!” I heard the sound of Chôoe-Tǎem crying from behind. But I charged into that car, looking at the figure of a woman who was holding her child, about three or four years old, tightly. The moment she saw me, she handed the child over.

“Help my (Chǎn) child. Take my (Chǎn) child first. Help him first….”

I received the child, then hurriedly pulled him out. But instead of carrying the child to safety, I turned to look at the eyes that were letting out large teardrops.

“Run.”

“Mother… my (nǔu) Mâe…”

“I will help her myself. Turn your (Thooe) back and run!” I ordered. That child hurriedly ran to get away from the car. After that, I told the woman who looked at me with eyes as if she already knew she wouldn’t survive.

“Close your (Thooe) eyes!”

Wham!

But I used my shoulder to smash against the partially broken window opening that was enough for that child to get out, but not enough for a fully grown adult. While hearing the sound of the engine igniting from the other car, which probably wouldn’t take long to spread to this car, and then we might all die. But I also didn’t stop, still smashing with full force. I felt the blood from glass shards flowing down my arm.

“Enough, enough, Thòe, Khun.”

“Must help. Must be able to help. Must be able to help, Hǎ!”

Whoosh

Suddenly, fire ignited with a whoosh. In the moment I also grabbed the arm of the woman in the car and pulled her out with all my strength. I lowered my head, feeling the fire that was spreading and licking my back. But I still dragged that woman with all the strength I had, to be as far as possible from that car. And it (man) was probably enough for others to come help and take the woman. As for me, I hurriedly tore off the jacket I was wearing over my clothes.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi!” At that moment, I saw Chôoe-Tǎem, whose face was smeared with tears, trying to use his shirt to pat my back and neck. I wanted to tell him to put his shirt back on, because I was worried. But I had no strength to speak, could only lie face down, aware that several villagers were trying to help put out the fire on my shirt.

Suddenly…

Boom!

Everyone, not excluding me, startled and gasped when the car that had caught fire earlier made an explosive sound, followed by a second wave. But I had no strength to turn and look. Because suddenly, the body of a youth threw itself down to hug me, crying hoarsely.

“Don’t do… don’t do this again. Don’t do that to Khǎi and Phôo. No courage… no one can replace… anyone… can. No one.”

Was he saying that I was as important as his Phôo?

I reached out a hand to touch his tear-stained cheek, then wiped it (man) for him. But instead found that it (man) made his cheek smeared with blood.

“But if I can share your (Thooe) suffering… even a little… I will do it.” If my actions today could share the pain in Chôoe-Tǎem’s heart from ten years ago, why couldn’t I do this for him?

“But if Senior Phîi Khǎi dies, it (man) is meaningless. If Senior Phîi Khǎi dies, what will Tǎem do? Do you (Thooe) want Tǎem to suffer to death on one side, right? Do you (Thooe) hear that Tǎem doesn’t agree to let Senior Phîi Khǎi die? Absolutely forbid thinking of leaving Tǎem anywhere, Ná!!” He shouted in my face, pounding on my chest several times. I also wanted to laugh. But I couldn’t laugh, could only place a hand on his head.

“But I still haven’t died.”

He looked at me with a tear-stained face.

“If Senior Phîi Khǎi loves Tǎem, Tǎem asks for one thing… don’t die before Tǎem. Don’t leave Tǎem behind. Don’t… absolutely… Ná… Tǎem doesn’t want to be abandoned again. Don’t want to be abandoned by the person I (Chǎn) love again.”

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” He was still sobbing. But I have something to confess.

Chôoe-Tǎem averted his gaze from the ambulance that was driving in, making eye contact with me again.

Until I spoke the matter that, if I died, would probably weigh on my mind until unable to reach a blissful state.

“I and Huu are the same person.” If the anger that should have been received instead was a smile through tears.

“Just this? Able to hesitate for a whole week. Tired of pretending to be angry already, Ná!”

Clunk

I went silent, stunned. And then I burst out laughing until the male nurse who came to check on my condition looked at me like a madman. He probably thought I had lost my mind from being burned in patches. But who would know as much as me how much my whole heart swelled? And I understood… receiving forgiveness from a loved one makes one feel as if holding the entire world in one’s hands.

Even if after this he might be heavily angry because I jumped into the fire.

I knew that I was very dim-witted to do something without thinking. Probably no one would agree to be so dim-witted as to run toward a car leaking gasoline. But I did it. Just thinking that Chôoe-Tǎem wouldn’t have to endure watching the flames burning anyone else’s body again.

I am dim-witted. But has love… ever had reason?

Even though I am dim-witted, I also made the right decision to choose to run in to help. As long as I could see the relieved expression, as if released from chains, on Chôoe-Tǎem’s face when he looked at that Mâe and child pair.

“Just how many times this year do you (Thooe) intend to make my heart stop and flip?”

“It’s Senior Phîi Khǎi, Khráp, Mâe. What madman would charge and run toward a car about to explode?”

“Nông Tǎem also, that one. The dormitory caught fire before, Mâe was almost scared to death.”

After that, I was taken to observe my condition at the hospital. There was nothing of concern besides the arm that was punctured by glass until covered in blood, and there were just minor burns. The most severe was probably my hair, which was burned in patches. Once out of the hospital, the first thing I would have to do was go to a barbershop.

I had just gotten a recovery room not long ago when the person who had just separated a few hours earlier rushed into the room, hugging Chôoe-Tǎem, whose shirt was burned with holes, tightly.

The child explained to his Mâe what had happened. His frightened manner upon seeing the car collision up close was better than before, almost back to normal. But just almost. Because the junior smiled with an exhausted expression, holding his Mâe’s hand, along with uttering a sentence that made both me and Senior Phîi Núk freeze.

“Mâe, Khráp. Tǎem remembers the time Phôo died now, Ná.”

“Remember… remember? But… but…”

Slump

“It’s okay, Khráp, Mâe. I'm okay now. I'm twenty now, Khráp. Definitely won’t faint and lose consciousness like ten years ago. Besides, I have Senior Phîi Khǎi. No matter what, Tǎem will be okay.” If I was also the party unable to speak, when Chôoe-Tǎem, who was holding his Mâe’s hand, extended his other hand to hold my arm, saying with a stronger manner than before.

“When the car crashed, I admit that I (Chǎn) lost all composure. I felt like being with Phôo in the car that day. But Senior Phîi Khǎi was the person who woke Tǎem up to face reality. Woke up to the fact that Phôo had passed away. Phôo is no longer in this world. And at that time, I… sob… was also too young to do anything. I blamed it (man) on… my (Chǎn) own fault all along… I therefore tried… to forget. But it (man) wasn’t… I also forgot the truth that… that… sob… Phôo had protected me… Phôo didn’t want me to… cry, to be hurt… Phôo didn’t leave me behind… Phôo is still in here.”

The junior pulled his Mâe’s hand to touch the left side of his chest.

Sniff sniff

“Phôo is still protecting… Me in here… Sorry. Sorry that I likes to think that Tǎem… is lonely. Likes to think that I was abandoned… sob… Sorry for thinking that no one loves me (Chǎn). But everyone loves me (Chǎn). Mâe loves me. Phôo protected me… Mâe Núk takes care of me… I won’t forget again. Won’t forget again that my life… has value.”

Slump

Senior Phîi Núk pulled Chôoe-Tǎem into an embrace, stroking the head and shoulders of the person who was sobbing at the top of his voice.

“Nông Tǎem always has value, my baby. Don’t blame yourself (Chǎn). Mâe may not know what happened that night. But Mâe knows, Ná, that Phôo must have done every possible way to protect Nông Tǎem. Don’t think, Ná, that you (Thooe) were abandoned by anyone. Mâe never abandoned Nông Tǎem. Never. And Phôo must be happiest knowing that Nông Tǎem is still alive in this world.”

“I'm sorry.” Chôoe-Tǎem cried in his Mâe’s embrace. While I could only manage to smile slightly, turning my hand to interlace fingertips with the person who still had his other hand on my arm, squeezing tightly that I would stay by his side, would not abandon him to feel lonely anymore.

Knock knock knock

I turned to look at the wide-open room door, and then there was a man I didn’t know standing there. But when a small figure clinging to his leg peeked out with a face still smeared with tear stains, I remembered that it (man) was the child who was trapped in the car.

“Sorry to disturb, Khráp. I am the Phûa of the person you (Khun) helped.” That man said with red-rimmed eyes. Then he led his daughter into the room. While Chôoe-Tǎem hurriedly wiped his face and eyes.

“Thank you, Khráp, for helping my Miia. Thank you for helping her. I don’t know how to thank you (Khun) enough. Thank you for not making me lose her. Thank you for not making my child motherless. I heard from the police that you (Khun) were the only one who went in to help. Thank you, Khráp. Thank you.” That man raised his hands in a wai to me through tears, holding the shoulder of the young girl who was sobbing along with her Phôo.

“Thank Uncle, Ná, my (nǔu) child.”

“Thank you, Khâ. Thank you for helping my (nǔu) Mâe, Ná.” The young girl raised her hands in a wai following her Phôo. While I felt that Chôoe-Tǎem squeezed my hand tighter. He looked at that young girl.

“Thank you, Khâ.” However, the young girl didn’t walk to me. She walked to look up at Chôoe-Tǎem, until the junior started.

“I… who didn’t do anything.”

“Senior Phîi told him to help Mâe, right, Khâ?” I don’t know how this child knew. But I felt that Chôoe-Tǎem’s hand trembled while he also looked down into the child’s eyes, then said in a voice as light as a whisper, extending a hand to place on her head.

“You (Thooe) must cherish the time you (Thooe) have with your (Thooe) Phôo and Mâe, you (Thooe) know, right?”

“Smile.” The young girl smiled, nodding vigorously, before walking back to hold her Phôo’s hand. While the Phôo person kept thanking again and again, then led his child out of the room. The moment the door closed, Chôoe-Tǎem turned to me.

On the bed, he wasn’t just holding my hand. He reached both arms to hug around my neck, letting his body fall down.

“Because of me, Senior Phîi helped his Mâe, right?”

“Yes.” If it (man) weren’t for Chôoe-Tǎem, I myself also don’t know if I would have tried to smash the glass with my utmost ability until the last second. And that made him tighten the embrace, bringing his warm body close.

“Even though Tǎem couldn’t help Phôo, Tǎem… also helped prevent that child from being orphaned like me, right?”

I stroked Chôoe-Tǎem’s head gently, looked up to see Senior Phîi Núk who was smiling even with red eyes, then looked down at the little-one in my embrace.

“Yes. The life that your (Thooe) Phôo saved, you (Thooe) have used it (man) to help someone else.” I pressed a kiss to his forehead without fear that the junior’s Mâe was watching, stroking his hair with utmost affection. Feeling the person nestling on my body, feeling that nearly dying today was worth it if it (man) helped unravel the knot in the heart of the youth in my embrace.

I want him to know how much he is loved by so many people. And I am one person who loves him so much that I am willing to do everything in exchange for the happy, full smile he is smiling right now.

Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

“You (Thooe) have seen this room. There is nothing left that you (Thooe) don’t know about me anymore.

After observing my condition for one night, me and Senior Phîi Khǎi returned to our home. Then the person who had bandages wrapped around his arm walked ahead to the study, opened the door wide, then said with an uncertain tone of voice, until I (Chǎn) had to suppress a smile with all my (Chǎn) might, like I (Chǎn) had done all week.

I (Chǎn) didn’t intend for Senior Phîi Khǎi to charge into the fire to prove that he would get me (Chǎn) everything, Ná. At that moment, the memory swirled back until I (Chǎn) couldn’t separate reality from the events of the past for a moment. But as I (Chǎn) said, it (man) was Senior Phîi Khǎi who woke me (Chǎn) up to face reality… another person I (Chǎn) love might die.

When I (Chǎn) saw Senior Phîi Khǎi there, my (Chǎn) heart was full of fear, trying to run to him. For a flash, the words of my (Chǎn) Phôo’s ex-Miia rang out that I (Chǎn) am a jinx. Whoever I (Chǎn) am close to, that person will leave me (Chǎn). But Senior Phîi Khǎi has proven that it (man) isn’t true. He not only helped the Mâe and child… Senior Phîi Khǎi saved me (Chǎn).

The returning memories told me (Chǎn) that I (Chǎn) am not a murderer. I (Chǎn) didn’t make Phôo die. Phôo was just trying to protect me (Chǎn). And Senior Phîi Khǎi told me (Chǎn) that this life my (Chǎn) parents gave me (Chǎn) can help others again.

I (Chǎn) am not a jinx. Not a nuisance. But a person so valuable that a man loves me (Chǎn) this much.

How much? The kind where one wall is filled with hundreds of small note papers, stringing together short messages that, upon a glance, might not yet know what they mean. But as I (Chǎn) read on, I (Chǎn) realized these are the words Senior Phîi Khǎi prepared to talk to me (Chǎn) with.

At first, I (Chǎn) might have been annoyed that Khǎi concealed that he was Senior Phîi Who. But not to the point of anger. Just felt that I (Chǎn) was deceived into giving information and spied on all along.

So he knows everything about me (Chǎn). Both real life and as a DJ. Knows everything. And makes me (Chǎn) feel a bit embarrassed for sleep-talking and thinking to myself that the reason he bought the penguin doll for me (Chǎn) was because we were on the same wavelength. Plus, he also saw me (Chǎn) singing the love song, which, thinking about it, is good, Ná. Since I (Chǎn) really sang it (man) for him. And I (Chǎn) really wanted things I (Chǎn) liked too.

And the anger melted away instantly when I (Chǎn) turned to look behind me (Chǎn).

In Senior Phîi Khǎi’s study, one side is a wall-mounted board. But that large board could not bear the many messages stuck so densely that they piled up in layers. Therefore, there were many papers stuck with scotch tape on the wall until it (man) was like the pattern of wallpaper. If that wallpaper was full of different messages.

…back already? How was today? Was studying fun?…

Even though he could only say ‘back already?’

Dinner was delicious. You (Thooe) are good at cooking. Can you (Thooe) make it (man) for me to eat every day?…

Even though he could only eat quietly until the plate was empty without any words.

…are you (Thooe) done studying? I am in front of your (Thooe) faculty now. Let’s go back together, Ná. I don’t want you (Thooe) to go back alone because I am worried…

Even though he only sent a short message saying ‘I am in front of the faculty.’

Why did you (Thooe) come back late today? Let me pick you (Thooe) up at the back, Mǎi? I don’t want you (Thooe) to have difficulty taking the bus back yourself (Thooe)…

Besides the daily life conversations, which he didn’t even speak the full sentences he had written, there were many more that made me (Chǎn) perceive his feelings. That day when I (Chǎn) accidentally came in and saw the board, I (Chǎn) had to stand with tears flowing. Because I (Chǎn)… saw his love through the written words.

Sorry for not telling you (Thooe) that I would travel because I didn’t think you (Thooe) would be interested. Please don’t be angry with me anymore, Ná…

Please don’t cry, Chôoe-Tǎem. Your (Thooe) tears make my heart ache. Please, don’t cry…

…don’t think that you (Thooe) are not wanted by anyone. Because I want you (Thooe) more than anyone. Only you (Thooe)…

And then I (Chǎn) looked at the message in the middle of the board.

…my heart is with you (Thooe). If you (Thooe) have no one, can I be the person to take care of you (Thooe)?…

I am sorry that I am not eloquent. But can this ineloquent person say that he loves you (Thooe)?…

…if I speak the word love, will you (Thooe) listen?…

…I love you (Thooe), Ná, Chôoe-Tǎem…

…I love you (Khun)…

I (Chǎn) could perceive his love for me (Chǎn) packed densely inside this room. Every character, every message, everything he meticulously wrote, made me (Chǎn) imagine the time he was frowning and serious to write it (man) down, memorize it (man). And how disappointed he must have been that he could only utter a few sentences. It (man) made me (Chǎn) cry already. Wanted to ask him why he loves me (Chǎn) so much.

I (Chǎn) turned to look at the owner of the room who was standing with his head bowed.

I (Chǎn) didn’t think to be angry at him at all. I (Chǎn) just wanted him to tell me (Chǎn) the truth. I (Chǎn) would also wait to hear the word love from him. But gave a chance and he still didn’t speak, so I (Chǎn) pretended to be angry to teach him a lesson. And yesterday being my (Chǎn) birthday, I (Chǎn) intended to pressure him until he spoke. Because the most precious gift isn’t clothes, bags, watches. But the word love from the man in front is different.

“Does Senior Phîi Khǎi have anything to say to Tǎem, Khráp?”

“The truth is, I am WhoSomeone.”

“That one, I (Chǎn) know already, not that.” I (Chǎn) secretly smiled, looking at the person whose eyes were worried.

“Sorry for concealing it.”

“Sob Still not that.”

“The matter of me using you (Thooe) as a model…”

“Not that, not that one.”

“Uh… Happy birthday.” Senior Phîi Khǎi looked at a loss for how to answer to my (Chǎn) liking. Which means besides the matter of Senior Phîi Huu and that Âi'erotic-novel, there is nothing else concealed between us. I (Chǎn) know from staying with him for a while. Senior Phîi Khǎi will answer everything I (Chǎn) ask. Therefore, the matter of saying he has never lied is true.

I (Chǎn) just didn’t ask, so he didn’t speak, right?

“Smile.” I (Chǎn) gave a smile. And that made the person who was no longer handsome because I (Chǎn) burned him look relieved.

“I have a gift for you (Thooe) too.” He made a move to step out of the room.

“I don’t want what Senior Phîi Khǎi prepared.”

Senior Phîi Khǎi looked flustered, until I (Chǎn) laughed, then ordered…

“I will take this.” I (Chǎn) pointed to one piece of paper. But Senior Phîi Khǎi still looked puzzled. I (Chǎn) thus pulled that piece of paper to be level with the eyes of the person as big as a building, then revealed a smile from the heart.

“Read it quickly.”

“Hmph!?” Senior Phîi Khǎi’s eyes widened, looking down at the paper alternating with looking at my (Chǎn) face. Then he asked as if he couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Can I say it (man)?”

“Well, I'm waiting to hear it, Nîi.” I (Chǎn) wrinkled my (Chǎn) nose at him. But he instead stepped close to me (Chǎn), holding my (Chǎn) two arms, looking into my (Chǎn) eyes until our gazes connected and held still. I (Chǎn) saw how serious and sincere the pitch-black eyes in front were, and also full of one feeling.

The feeling that is uttered as the words…

“Chôoe-Tǎem… Je t'aime.”

I (Chǎn) smiled sweetly.

Slump

“It (man) is the best birthday gift for me.” I (Chǎn) hugged him with both arms, pressing my (Chǎn) face against his forehead that had lowered, whispering with a heart that swelled. Because Senior Phîi Khǎi didn’t just call my (Chǎn) name. The first word was my (Chǎn) name. But the second word, pronounced with perfect French accent, was different.

The word that means…

“I love you (Thooe), Ná.”

A sweet and warm kiss pressed against my (Chǎn) lips until close and heavy. I (Chǎn) myself also responded to him with the same feeling, demanding love from him, which Senior Phîi Khǎi also gave until my (Chǎn) body went weak and could only hug him tightly. And told him when Senior Phîi Khǎi agreed to let my (Chǎn) mouth be free.

“I also love Senior Phîi Khǎi, Khráp.”

Slump

“Hey!!!” I (Chǎn) also shouted out loud, Ná. When suddenly, Senior Phîi Khǎi gathered my (Chǎn) body until my (Chǎn) feet left the ground, spun me (Chǎn) around until I (Chǎn) wanted to complain that I (Chǎn) was dizzy. But because of the smile of the deadpan face that was so wide it (man) almost reached his ears, it (man) called out my (Chǎn) laughter to echo throughout the room. Then I (Chǎn) managed to grab his two cheeks, then bent down to press a heavy kiss.

“I love you (Thooe) so much, Chôoe-Tǎem.”

What could I (Chǎn) answer, except a sweet smile and an answer from the heart?

“Mmmmm.”