MA Chapter 33: WhoSomeone....Some-Khǎi

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Perspective Khǎi

I understand the feeling of Pòk-pông when he said he was the happiest man in the world.

I myself am feeling exactly that right now.

It (man) isn’t just feeling that life is good, that work has no problems, that finances are fluid, that health and body are strong and not ill. But it (man) is much more wonderful than that. When by my side is the little-one I have always desired in him.

I may have met the real Chôoe-Tǎem only just over a year ago, but I have listened to stories about him since many years before. A little-one with a life similar to mine. In the beginning it (man) was merely interest. But as time passed, I instead waited to hear his stories, to know how he grew up to be such a good youth who loved his Mâe so much. The mere handful of photographs received from the only remaining relative made me count the days until I would meet him. And the day I met him...he stole my heart away from me.

After the incident of my parents' death, I lost the ability to express emotions and feelings. If the second I looked at him, that feeling came back to me. It (man) flowed in like a flash flood that destroys everything. The walls enclosing my heart crumbled down. The lump of flesh in my chest that had never trembled for anyone pounded so fiercely I could barely breathe.

Chôoe-Tǎem wasn't just stealing the gazes fixed on him throughout the entire event. This youth had something that stirred up emotions, a desire to protect, to cherish, to make the eyes that held deep-seated sadness and loneliness turn into happiness. My heart desired to see his lips curve into a bright smile, not look at Senior Phîi Núk like a youth about to be abandoned.

If he was to be abandoned, could I take him in myself, Khráp? And I would give him everything he needed.

Chôoe-Tǎem is the reason that made me decide to move to Thailand permanently. It (man) was the same period when my one and only close Thai friend, Pông himself, also met the little-one he fell in love with seven years prior. He was willing to abandon all future prospects to search for that youth, and it (man) helped make my decision easier, that I myself was also ready to do it for this youth.

I didn't think everything would be smooth because I have always had problems with relationships. But this time was even more difficult. I might be able to use money to buy relationships, but not with him.

Whether it (man) was money, a car, belongings, utensils, he rejected them all from me. And I also knew that behind my back he called me Âi'Old-lecher back. But I still never stopped trying. I did everything, sought every method, until he agreed to stay by my side, agreed to call me Senior Phîi Khǎi, agreed to refer to himself by his nickname, agreed to let me touch and love him.

His smile made my world, which had once been dark, bright and shining again.

The heart that had died inside on the day I lost important people came to have feelings again. I knew that I began to smile, began to laugh, and touched the feeling of sorrow when he paid no attention, felt stifled that he hated my face, felt irritated seeing him with others, felt happy when he called my name, and my heart swelled when he leaned close and nestled by my side.

Chôoe-Tǎem taught and instilled all those many emotions in me.

I therefore swore that I would preserve this relationship with everything I have, with all my might. Being the happiest man in my world isn't extravagant at all. Everything is simple.

Just that I wake up and see the breakfast that is in the refrigerator with a small note.

Just that he opens the bedroom door with a bright smile and says he's back. Just that I get to see his back cooking in the kitchen. Just that I hear his voice telling stories of the day while we eat together. And just that I get to sleep holding him until he falls asleep in my embrace.

Everything is simple. Not extravagant. Not like the old relationships I used to have. No need for parties. No need for night-time wanderings. No need to show off to anyone. And spending until money seems like just scraps of paper buying a relationship, then ending with hot sex. Those things I had been through were like mere flames that, when the time came, extinguished and died out.

Chôoe-Tǎem made me feel the word 'home.' It (man) is peacefulness. It (man) is relaxation. Even though the heart has to work hard, it (man) is instead warm to a frightening degree, making me want to settle down, not move anywhere else anymore.

I have found the home that is my home.

Tap tap...

I blinked several times before slowly opening my eyelids. I smelled the fragrance of something that woke me up, until I sat up on the sofa. I saw the book I had been reading before falling asleep placed on the table with a bookmark, until I glanced around, before my gaze stopped at the slender back of the youth in my dream.

Chôoe-Tǎem is a youth who is somewhat taller than the average Thai person. But in my eyes, he is still a youth just as slender as when we met last year. Because he is a thin person, with fair skin, slender. The waist of his that I got to touch for real is just tiny. Just pressing a hand down, I feared it (man) would sink into the skin and break easily. But above all else is the gaze that changed from hating me to being clingy.

Similarly, I saw him acting clingy with Senior Phîi Núk many times. But when it (man) came to meeting with myself… I almost died.

Finally, I think I smiled, Ná. Until I raised a hand to touch the edge of my mouth and found that my mouth was indeed smiling. I therefore got up and walked to stand behind him, looking past him at the pan where he was frying fish.

"It smells good, Ná." Nowadays, I speak to him more fluently until I don't need to rely on conversations imagined in my head.

"Do you (Thooe) need me to help with anything?"

Sizzle sizzle

I frowned, because even during the time he hated my face, he never gave me the silent treatment. Which, thinking back on whether I inadvertently did something to displease him or not, I think there isn't, Ná. This morning when I woke up, he still smiled sweetly enough to make me almost babble, and then made food for me, sat as company until I finished eating, then he excused himself to go read books to prepare for exams further. As for me, I brought the information book I had been reading to read further, and then fell asleep.

I probably didn't sleep-talk something strange, right, Mǎi.

"What's wrong?" I asked him in a soft voice.

"Nothing, Khráp. Senior Phîi Khǎi, go sit, Thòe. When it (man)'s done, Tǎem will call you (Khun)." Once he was willing to talk to me, I almost sighed with relief. I nodded and walked to the dining table, turning this way and that, wanting to help. But every time I help, Chôoe-Tǎem gets angry with me every time. He doesn't make a fuss, Ná. He just tries to widen his eyes, which look adorable no matter what, and says that helping is helping, but helping to make a mess is something else, right.

Finally, I sat on the chair, thinking that when the food is done, I will help scoop the rice.

"Hey, you (Thooe) penguin, do you (Thooe) know that your (Thooe) boss doesn't like liars?"

Hmph

I looked up and found that Chôoe-Tǎem wasn't talking to me. He was talking to the penguin I bought as a gift for him, which received the privilege of being with Chôoe-Tǎem almost all the time, until sometimes I also felt like throwing it (man) away. I think hugging me is warmer than hugging a doll, Ná. But I don't dare do it (man). I see he likes it (man) that much.

"And also hates deceivers."

I was beginning to be unsure whether he meant me or not. But I wasn't anxious yet, because I was sure I had never lied to him about anything even once...if not telling the whole story is another matter.

The thought began to make me worried. But Chôoe-Tǎem stopped just there. He didn't say anything further. He just scooped the fish onto a plate, poured the sauce simmering in another pan over it, and then brought both the fish and the omelette, which had green vegetables mixed in, to place in the middle of the dining table. After that, he walked to scoop rice without requesting assistance.

"Chôoe-Tǎem."

"Mâe taught Tǎem that while eating, we shouldn't talk, or else the rice will get stuck in the throat."

"..." I fell completely silent immediately.

Once he started eating, I myself reluctantly began the dinner, anxious about the atmosphere emanating from the other side...until finishing the meal.

"Chôoe-Tǎem."

"Tǎem has something to talk to Senior Phîi about. But let me (Chǎn) wash the dishes first."

"I will help...Uh, I will sit right here."

"Good, Khráp." I didn't dare contradict. When my angel turned to look at me with an extremely calm gaze, which looked too calm compared to yesterday when he was still looking at me shyly. Once he looked like this, the butt that had lifted up settled back down to sit as before, watching him gather the dishes and bowls to wash skillfully.

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

In the time when I could only hear the grating sounds of ceramic plates clashing, it (man) made me clench my hand tighter. My chest felt increasingly tight as if there was no air to breathe around. I could only look at the back of the person I wanted to protect the most, even though I had already done many things. And the premonition that doesn't work well was warning that this was not good.

"Senior Phîi Khǎi..."

"Khráp." I had never responded to anyone with polite language before. But now it (man) came out automatically, when the person who finished washing the dishes turned to face me, leaning back against the sink, making eye contact with me.

"Does Senior Phîi Khǎi have anything to tell Tǎem or not?"

I went silent for a moment, then spoke out slowly.

"I wish you (Thooe) good luck on your (Thooe) exam. And after the exam, we'll go travel together."

Last night, I thought of many blessings for his exam, and also thought and thought again that I wanted to give him a reward. Finally, I concluded to tell him directly, speak directly. Everything thus came out as I had rehearsed. But the person I thought would be happy instead had an even calmer face than before. The eyes he looked at me with seemed to be angry, until I began to feel anxious.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Not wrong. But Senior Phîi Khǎi didn't answer the question directly. Does Senior Phîi Khǎi have anything to confess to Tǎem, Mǎi?" Chôoe-Tǎem repeated. And I glanced toward the tightly closed study door. My mouth answered immediately.

"No."

"Good!" I secretly sighed, feeling more pressured than when I learned I would publish a book for the first time. But I didn't feel relieved for long.

"Then we don't need to talk anymore, Looei."

"Wait, Chôoe-Tǎem!"

Bang!!

Chôoe-Tǎem shouted in my face. Then he turned and ran toward the bedroom. By the time I regained my composure, he had already pushed the door panel shut. Until I shouted to call him, both anxious, worried, and fearful, raising a hand to pound on the door. I heard a shout in response.

"Senior Phîi Khǎi, be quiet, Sí. I'm going to read a book."

What is he angry about? What did I do to make him angry?

No, this incident happened once before when I was going to America. At that time, I also chose to leave him alone. But that time taught me that when something happens, we must clear it up quickly. I am afraid he will cry, afraid he will be sad, and I think I should use the spare key. But...

"Senior Phîi Khǎi must not come in, Ná." He forbade as if he knew.

"Then come out and talk first."

"No. Tǎem gave a chance already. But Senior Phîi Khǎi said yourself that you (Khun) have nothing to say. Therefore, Tǎem will read a book, to make it (man) worth the tuition fees Senior Phîi paid, right? Âi'Rich-madman!" His voice sounded so angry it (man) made me even more anxious, hesitating whether I should unlock it (man) and go in or not. But he added further.

"Tomorrow Tǎem has an exam. Senior Phîi Khǎi understands, right, Mǎi, that Tǎem doesn't want to talk."

After that, I heard the sound of footsteps thumping away from the door, until I was crestfallen.

"Chôoe-Tǎem, what did I do to make you (Thooe) angry? Tell me, Sí."

"If I did something to displease you (Thooe), I apologize..."

Thud!

I myself was startled when I heard the sound of something hitting the door, until I had to step back two steps. He is very angry. And it (man) is an anger I have never encountered before. The time we quarreled, he cried. But this time, there is no sign of tears. Until I don't know what to do.

"Good luck on your (Thooe) exam, Ná..."

Thud!

Another time hearing the sound of hitting the bedroom door, until I hung my head, sighing heavily.

I would rather he threw something at me or hit me than him refusing to talk to me like this. But since he ordered it, I could only retreat to the sofa set, sit down helplessly, still staring at the door panel, unable to settle my thoughts.

As long as it (man) isn't the stars and the moon in the sky, whatever it (man) is, I can get it for him. Therefore, since he ordered me to be quiet, I can only be quiet.

Brrrrrrrr

I sighed heavily, grabbed my phone to look at with displeasure, and then saw that it (man) was my close friend himself.

"What's up?"

[Your (Thooe) voice sounds strange. Is something wrong?]

"...No."

[Being quiet like this means there is. But I (Kuu) won't ask, Looei then.]

My close friend still understands me. While I silently waited for when he would get to the matter, my eyes still looked at the motionlessly closed door.

[Someone]

[I (Kuu) happened to call this afternoon, but Nong Tǎem said you (mueng) were asleep. I (Kuu) want to ask about a…]

I myself froze, forced myself to stop staring at the door, then opened the study door, walked to sit on the chair, leaned back, used my fingertip to massage my temple. Because if there is any matter I have concealed from him, it (man) would only be this matter. Until I used my other hand to grab the other phone placed aside.

[I (Kuu) wished Junior Tǎem good luck on his exam. But called to ask for certainty, not knowing if it (man) were you (mueng), what you (mueng) would say roughly. Saw you (mueng) didn't answer, so I (Kuu) used the sentence I (Kuu) thought was safest. Here, if I (Kuu) hadn't known before, I (Kuu) probably wouldn't have thought that whosomeone and Some-Khǎi are the same person. Sigh Why during normal times aren't you (mueng) eloquent and smooth with mannerisms like when you (mueng) are acting a role, Hǎ, Khǎi?]

I fell silent at my friend's words, then sighed.

"Because I (Kuu) am I (Kuu), and he is a fictional role."

[But ultimately he is you (mueng)....the person who loves the youth named Chôoe-Tǎem the same.]

Clunk

As I have said before, my bad habit is that I don't express myself much. I therefore use the method of writing down instead on paper. I can be anyone who isn't myself. And when I create that person, I can put any personality into that character to write fitting the role.

At the time when Chôoe-Tǎem hated the identity named Khǎi, this is the method I brought to use to get close to him...creating another person he would probably like.

While being myself, my name, my telephone number, I will be myself. I cannot be anything else more than myself. It (man) is like having a line drawn that this is my identity. I cannot send long messages to describe feelings. But when I create one character, create his personality, at that time I will be like another person.

Everything happened like writing a novel. And he came into being...whosomeone.

Yes, I am him myself. The person who keeps encouraging, keeps following, keeps helping, keeps sending diamonds, and does everything that can help him. And because Chôoe-Tǎem hated the identity named Khǒng-khǎit, this character therefore had to be extremely different from me. A playful man, annoying, but warm enough to make someone smile.

That is the personality I created him with to make Chôoe-Tǎem have a smile.

I once told my friend that Chôoe-Tǎem needs someone who is his own. But I cannot be that someone. Therefore, I would agree to be just "Some-Khǎi" in his life, Looei.

However, being Nông Tǎem's Senior Phîi Who made the identity named Khǒng-khǎit become more and more fearful. While Chôoe-Tǎem hated Khǎi, he instead seemed to have good feelings for Senior Phîi Who. I wanted to withdraw several times. But I didn't dare. I was afraid he would be sad, and I still wanted to be an encouragement for him.

The feeling that both loves and hates the created identity played tug-of-war in my heart. But I consoled myself, put the jealousy into a box, that even if he doesn't love Khǎi, he still has a man named WhoSomeone to keep pushing him. I would accept it if he would be happy. Until the day he looked at me who has an identity in the real world, he agreed to stay in my embrace, agreed to let me love him, agreed to let me take care of him. I therefore thought it (man) was time for WhoSomeone's role and duty to end.

How could I tell him that on the day he brought up matters of Khǒng-khǎit to curse, the person who listened was the man named Khǒng-khǎit himself.

How much will he hate me? Will he despise me? Or will he reject both my real self and that character? Just thinking, something is stuck in my throat. Sweat broke out all over my back. Cold seized the marrow of my bones.

However, before I would delete the identity of WhoSomeone to become merely a person who passed by and passed on in Chôoe-Tǎem's life, I made a mistake first. Both the penguin doll that, once I knew he liked it (man), I bought it (man) for him immediately. And the matter of the love song he said he sang for me, I inadvertently let slip that I knew he was crying. Therefore, I had to find someone to play the role of WhoSomeone instead. And who would be better than Pòk-pông?

Right now, I am confident that Chôoe-Tǎem doesn't think it (man) is me. I had Pông help by sending a message during the time I was with him. Even though it (man) was both fear mixed with jealousy at the same time seeing him smile little and big for that Âi'Who, instead of me.

Pông performed his duty well. He can be anyone he wants to be. I told my friend to gradually reduce the frequency of conversation, and then this identity would eventually be erased completely. However, the incident that happened today made me begin to be unsure.

I have never lied to Chôoe-Tǎem. Never even once. There are only matters of speaking or not speaking. And he himself has never come inside the study. There is no way he would know the secret of me, this person.

If so, what did I miss?

"But from now on, there will only be Khǒng-khǎit who loves Chôoe-Tǎem."

[Well, if you (mueng) say so. I (Kuu) myself also don't support you (mueng) choosing to tell the junior, Ná. Because I (Kuu) understand why some matters we cannot tell him, even though we love him very much.]

It (man) isn't strange that he understands, because he also had a matter he concealed from Gôk. And when the truth appeared, Gôk might not be angry with my friend. But there is no guarantee that this youth will forgive me like Gôk forgave Pông.

I...will not tell him.

From worried...to anxious.

One week already.

After the day Chôoe-Tǎem announced he would not listen to what I say, he really didn't listen. At first, I thought he was focusing on the exam, so he stayed only in the bedroom and locked the door. But he announced in the LINE group that he wouldn't host the program for a while due to personal reasons. I therefore didn't know at all what he was doing. Moreover, whenever we met each other....

Swish

Bang!

Chôoe-Tǎem turned and walked into the room and slammed the door in my face, even though I hadn't even had a chance to open my mouth.

Right now, I don't know what to do anymore. I am completely in the dark. Looking any direction, I can't find an answer. My heart is also about to catch fire. Just him not paying attention, not looking at my face, not hearing my voice, and I almost lose my mind.

I could only stand looking at his bedroom door every night like a sad-puppy-dog-face. But there hasn't been a single night when it (man) would open.

If placating someone was as easy as paying money to buy things, that would be good.

If Chôoe-Tǎem told me one word of what he wants, I would find it for him. However much he wants, I would transfer it to him immediately. Just asking that he turn to look me in the eye for a moment is enough. But I also know well that he isn't a youth like that. Then I...what must I do to make him turn and smile at me like before?

"Use your (Thooe) heart, how about it, Khǎi."

"Hmm?"

I averted my gaze from the slender figure who was holding one infant carefully and cherishingly, turned back to look at the speaker and then had to frown at my relative herself.

"Senior Phîi doesn't know if I guessed right or not. But Khǎi is probably being hated by Nong Tǎem right now."

"You (Thooe) can tell just by looking, or?"

Even more so. Me and Chôoe-Tǎem haven't talked for over a week along with the anxiety that has piled up heavily, until reaching Chôoe-Tǎem's birthday where I prepared a watch as his birthday gift. But the whole day, besides him not looking at my face, he also left a note saying he was going to Mâe's house and left first, until I had to hurriedly follow. Once arriving, he immersed himself only with his Nong, until I could only watch him.

I sat motionless on the bench in front of the house and have been doing this for over two hours, until Senior Phîi Núk walked to stop beside me.

"When Junior Tǎem is angry or sulking, it (man) isn't hard to see, Ná. But like that, it (man) seems more like he is very sulky rather than angry, Ná." Chôoe-Tǎem's Mâe said with a smile, then continued.

"And Senior Phîi thinks Khǎi is probably having a problem."

"Why?"

"Because Khǎi doesn't know how to placate my baby, Ná."

I looked into the other party's eyes silently, and encountered only a smile and an understanding gaze. After that, I turned back to look at that youth.

"Khǎi is also like my romantic partner who asked me what to do to make Nong Tǎem accept him. Which I could answer only one thing...use your (Thooe) heart." I followed the gaze to the little-one who seemed to avoid meeting with the Nong of a different bloodline. But in reality, Chôoe-Tǎem also looked at that infant with fondness.

"Does Khǎi know, right, Mǎi, that Nong Tǎem set up a wall very high, not allowing anyone to pass through it (man) easily. But that is also because he is afraid of pain, afraid that if he loves, he will be left behind by the person he loves. I myself also told you (Khun) about this, Nîi, that I thought and thought again about remarrying. Even today, I still know that he is afraid I don't love him as much as did. I can only open my heart for him to know that I love him. Even if I have ten more children, he is still my eldest child. And what about Khǎi, Ná? To win his heart, have you (Khun) revealed all your (Khun) feelings for him to know yet or not?"

"Senior Phîi knows." I looked into the eyes of the woman who smiled broadly, laughing softly.

"That's why I said, no matter what, Nong Tǎem is my child. And how could I agree to let Nong Tǎem go live with a person who doesn't love him?"

"Aren't you (Thooe) afraid?"

"Because I know that Khǎi is a better person than he appears." Senior Phîi Núk laughed amusedly, loudly enough for Chôoe-Tǎem to turn to look this way. But as soon as our eyes met, he turned his face away elsewhere, pursed his lips, walked away toward the back of the house while carrying the beloved one with him.

"And from what I have seen, my baby also has feelings. Otherwise, he probably wouldn't have agreed to let Khǎi come eat with him on his birthday. The pan probably whined loudly already that on his birthday, even though he didn't want anyone to know, or could it be that Junior Tǎem allows you (Khun) to be with him on an important day, Ná." Senior Phîi Núk said jokingly before leaving a final remark.

"I may not be able to order Khǎi, but I can beg Khǎi...please make him happier than Senior Phîi has done, Ná."

And I answered with a firm voice. "I promise."

Since the day we met, my eyes have only been for looking at him alone.

***

"Happy birthday, Ná."

I glanced at the person sitting beside me, but he still turned his face away to look out the window.

Until I reluctantly said what I didn't want to happen at all.

"You (Thooe) can stay overnight at Mâe's house, Ná."

When about to return, Chôoe-Tǎem kept hugging Senior Phîi Núk tightly, acting clingy saying he missed her, making gestures as if he wouldn't agree to go back with me. But once his Mâe asked if he was staying over, the junior glanced at me, then agreed to get in the car willingly. Until I thought he wanted to stay at that house more than returning home with me. But...

"Senior Phîi Khǎi is such an idiot."

The slender youth turned his gaze to look at me, then spoke with a trembling voice. And that made me even more unable to do anything right.

"I am sorry."

"Apologizing even though Senior Phîi doesn't know what you (Khun) did wrong, is it, Khráp?" Once he looked at me with reproachful eyes, I felt pain in my heart until I hurriedly parked the car on the roadside, turned back to look at him.

"I don't know."

"Does Senior Phîi not know, or is Senior Phîi pretending not to, exactly?" Chôoe-Tǎem looked at me with eyes that made me unable to bear it (man). He both reproached further and felt hurt until I wanted to gather his body into an embrace. Until I decided at that moment that I should confess it (man) out already.

"I am the person who wrote those stories myself."

"Huh?" Chôoe-Tǎem tilted his head. But I didn't wait for him to ask, managing to confess the misdeed immediately.

"The angel story you (Thooe) read is a story I wrote myself. I wrote it (man) up from imagination of what I wanted to do with you (Thooe). At first it (man) was just the feeling I have for you (Thooe). But later, I couldn't stop the thought of wanting to make love with you (Thooe), and it (man) increased more and more. The more I saw you (Thooe) naked, from just stroking and groping, I wanted to put it in. I wanted to see you (Thooe) moan, wanted to see you (Thooe) beg me. The angel that you (Thooe) read was thus you (Thooe)."

Chôoe-Tǎem looked at me while opening his mouth wider and wider, until I finished speaking.

"What other things does Senior Phîi have that I don't know yet? Ah! Going crazy! Was that me? Are you (mueng) insane or? I never cried out telling Senior Phîi to put it in deep, Ná! Crazy, crazy already! If deeper than that, my guts would have burst already! Crazy!" The streetlight made it (man) visible that his face was flushed crimson. And he complained until my heart rose. Even though being branded Âi'Psycho, it (man) was still better than him refusing to talk.

"And Tǎem didn't mean this matter!" He took a deep breath, then spoke with a voice trying to make it (man) strong, yet unable to hide the shame about the matter I spoke of before.

"Senior Phîi Khǎi, Senior Phîi Khǎi has something to tell Tǎem, right?!"

If I was the silent party, does Chôoe-Tǎem know already? Or is it (man) not the same matter I think? Should I tell him or not?

"What is it, Senior Phîi Khǎi?" He stared at my face. But I was still silent until the whole car had only silence. Our eyes met as if each side was pressuring the other. If I myself was the one being pressured until barely able to breathe, as if being chased and cornered by the youth in front.

"I..."

Crash!!!

I hadn't even had time to open my mouth to speak out yet, a loud crashing sound echoed throughout the road. And one car that had just driven past my car parked beside the sidewalk went flying past the window to the roadside, with a pickup truck that drove from the opposite side of the road swerving across the median strip to smash against one side door.

Everything happened very quickly. But I seemed to see a slow-motion image of the car tumbling past my face, along with the incident on the day the car fell off the mountain flashing into my head. Fear gripped my heart until my hands trembled and turned pale. I felt like going back to being that youth who lay covered in blood holding my Mâe's corpse for almost two days.

Slump

"Senior Phîi Khǎi..." If the person who made me regain my senses was the youth beside me, whose face was paler, lips trembling as much as his body that shook nonstop.

And then Chôoe-Tǎem groaned like a drowning person. "Phôo… My Phôo, Phôo, Phôo is in there, Tǎem's Phôo!"