MA Chapter 30: The Valuable Person

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

“Here, here, take this, Heh.”

“Hmm, Chôoe-Tǎem?”

“Are you awake, Khráp, Senior Phîi Khǎi?”

This morning, I woke up feeling light-headed. After looking at the other person's face for a while, I forced my body to dig something out from the school supplies backpack. After managing for a bit, Senior Phîi Khǎi moved slowly, his eyelids fluttering, then called my name with a frighteningly low, hoarse voice.

As for me, what else? I gave him a sweet smile in return.

“Here, take this.”

“Ouch!” And then I punched him full force on the chest, making Senior Phîi Khǎi startle, looking instantly less drowsy.

Snap.

“Still angry, Rǔue?” Senior Phîi Khǎi quickly gathered my hand, asking in a soft, coaxing voice, until I almost wanted to say yes, of course. But I wasn't as angry as last night anymore. Plus, I had already gotten even properly. So I made a pouting mouth.

“Do you want me to be angry or not, Ná?”

“I don't want that.”

“Then don't chase me away again, Ná. If you chase me away one more time, Thǎem will cry to death.” I already have a complex about being abandoned. Running away from home probably wouldn't happen, but crying until I'm dehydrated might be possible. And that made Senior Phîi Khǎi grip my hand firmly, pulling me into an embrace.

“I never chased you (Thooe) away, Ná.”

“Last night, Nîi.” I still whined at him, until Senior Phîi Khǎi looked even more upset.

“Last night, I really didn't chase you (Thooe) away.” I looked at his face for a moment, staring steadily, until the tall man looked even more distressed. And it was me myself who couldn't keep a straight face for long, bursting out laughing uncontrollably. The more I looked at his face, the more I laughed, so I used my other hand to hit his chest several times, not using much force, just like lightly slapping annoyingly.

“Hmm, I believe you (Phîi) now.”

Senior Phîi Khǎi squeezed my hand as thanks. And I changed the subject seriously.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi, Senior Phîi Khǎi, do you think what happened was because I was infatuated, Khráp?” He looked stressed immediately, wrapping his other arm around my waist, as if afraid I would disappear any minute, then spoke with a pained expression.

“I know you (Thooe) have never had anyone. Your (Thooe) whole life, you've only had your Mâe. So I'm afraid that because I am the first person to step into your (Thooe) life, you (Thooe) might be mistaking love with... a substitute.”

I didn't understand in the first second, before widening my eyes as Senior Phîi Khǎi continued.

“I'm afraid you (Thooe) are clinging to me as a replacement for your (Thooe) Phôo.”

I couldn't speak, feeling anger that felt like being looked down upon. But after just a moment, my heart calmed down when looking at the other person's eyes, which were more afraid than I was, squeezing my hand tightly until our hands went white.

Senior Phîi Khǎi was the one more afraid of my answer.

That's right, it's not strange for him to think I was clinging to him as a last resort, like a drowning person seeing a log floating by, so grabbing onto it to sustain life, to not feel lonely and empty anymore.

The conclusion made me close my eyes, then shake my head slowly.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi isn't old enough to be Thǎem's Phôo, Ná.”

“And Thǎem doesn't think about sleeping with his own Phôo, either.”

I opened my eyes, looked at his face, and gave him a smile. Then I buried my face against Senior Phîi Khǎi's chest, letting my body sink close to him, listening to the heart beating so hard it was scary. But another meaning was that he was trembling with fear about my answer.

“On the night the sky was full of stars, I imagined seeing your (Thooe) face.”

Senior Phîi Khǎi must have been surprised when I suddenly sang, amusing myself with my hoarse, cracking voice. But I kept singing, feeling that Senior Phîi Khǎi's increasingly strong heartbeat was the most beautiful musical rhythm, the kind that Little's guitar couldn't match.

I placed my hand on his chest.

“Daydreaming far away, cannot see it as a star. Is that bright moon like your (Thooe) heart or not... If it were true, I would collect the moon to put in my heart... Even though I don't know where you (Thooe) are, let me send my heart to reach you a little. This heart may still have little value, but I ask... only to love you (Thooe).” I felt my cheeks were terrifyingly hot, but I still tried to sing as much as my hoarse voice allowed.

“This song is called 'The Night the Sky is Full of Stars,' Khráp, Senior Phîi Khǎi. And do you (Phîi) know it's a love song?” I looked up until I saw his chin, couldn't help but move to give him a light kiss. While Senior Phîi Khǎi also hugged my back tightly. He moved down intending to look at my face, but I quickly snuggled against his chest.

“Chôoe-Tǎem...”

“And do you (Phîi) know?” I didn't let him interrupt, quickly continuing immediately.

“...I sang this song for you (Phîi).”

A love song sung for someone has only one meaning.

Snap.

Suddenly, Senior Phîi Khǎi pulled me up to lie on top of him, until our legs tangled, pressed close until I snuggled my face into the crook of his neck even more, refusing to look up for two reasons. One was embarrassment. Two, I didn't dare look at Senior Phîi Khǎi's face much.

“When Senior Phîi Khǎi hadn't returned yet, I missed you (Phîi) so much. So much that Thǎem sang this song for hundreds of people to hear. Sorry, Khráp, for not singing it for you (Phîi) to hear first.” I confessed.

That was probably the moment I clearly knew how I felt about Senior Phîi Khǎi. So lonely that I blurted out to everyone how much I missed him.

“That was you (Thooe) singing for me.” Senior Phîi Khǎi's voice sounded stunned.

“Hmm.” I nodded.

“I don't know if this is infatuation or not. But I'm sure that Senior Phîi Khǎi is definitely not a substitute for my Phôo. And I probably wouldn't be infatuated enough to have something with you (Phîi), either. The first time might have been, but infatuation probably wouldn't cause a second time. And then there will be a third time, a fourth time... right, Khráp?” I glanced up, speaking myself , almost wanting to dig into the ground, because I was telling him that I was ready to have more with him.

It won't stop at just the second time, will it?

“Thank you, Ná.” Senior Phîi Khǎi moved to sit up even with me on top of him, tightened his embrace, pressed a kiss to my temple, then moved to kiss my cheek. He touched me so gently, until I couldn't help but feel that I myself was cherished.

“Thank you for the song, and sorry for making you (Thooe) have tears.”

“Huh? How did Senior Phîi Khǎi know I cried?” I paused, looked up to meet his eyes, looked into the eyes of the person who was stunned for a moment before he reached out to touch my cheek, stroking lightly, then stopped at the corner of my eye.

“You (Thooe) are crying right now.”

I quickly blinked rapidly, then found my eyes were soaking wet.

“Like a rabbit.” Senior Phîi Khǎi pressed a kiss to the corner of my eye, feeling so sweet my heart swelled. But when I looked at his face, I quickly pushed against Senior Phîi Khǎi's chest.

“So... we've settled it, then, Ná.”

“Where are you going?” I quickly got up until he grabbed my wrist first, making me put on a sulking face.

“Going to class, Khráp. Someone said himself that he didn't want Thǎem to be too attached to him.” At least Senior Phîi Khǎi was right that I was too attached to him. But this is my first romantic partner, so I don't know how much distance we should have. I only think about liking the warm, soft, heart-tickling feeling when being near him.

“Can you handle it?” It was Senior Phîi Khǎi himself who held my arm tightly, lowering his gaze to look at the hips under the blanket until I had to raise my hand to cover his eyes.

“What are you looking at, Ná?” He pulled my hand away, then said flatly.

“Last night when I wiped your (Thooe) body down, that hole was bright red. Doesn't it hurt...”

“Whaa!!!” I clamped my hand over his mouth tightly, widening my eyes, not thinking that when I was asleep, someone had done something to my body.

“No, Thǎem won't listen. Don't know about any bright red. Thǎem is going to class now. Being near Senior Phîi Khǎi makes my heart work too hard.” I won't talk to him anymore. Consider it all cleared up. So I closed my mouth while pushing his face hard. Senior Phîi Khǎi yielded, lying back sprawled on the bed again. But still wouldn't let go of my arm, tugging lightly.

“Chôoe-Tǎem... let's have dinner together tonight.” I wanted to get even, but thought getting even was enough already, so I gave him a smile.

“Hmm, see you tonight, Khráp.” Senior Phîi Khǎi finally let go of my hand, so I quickly got up, then ran quickly to the bathroom, not wanting Senior Phîi Khǎi to see my round butt too much.

“Oh, Senior Phîi Khǎi.” I popped my head out from the bathroom door again, looked at his face, then couldn't help but burst out laughing.

“After waking up, don't forget to wash your face, Khráp. Otherwise, you'll blame Thǎem for not warning you.” I glanced at the pillow I was lying on earlier, saw the permanent marker pen hidden not quite out of sight, held back a smile until my cheeks dimpled, then ducked back into the bathroom to clean my body, leaving the other party still sitting confused on the bed.

Thǎem wrote it carefully for you (Phîi), you know.

I thought while laughing mischievously. Right now, on Senior Phîi Khǎi's forehead, there is the word... cheater... written with a permanent marker pen.

Punishment for making me cry. Rub until your forehead comes off, Heh!

“Nông Thǎem is good with Senior Phîi Khǎi now, Khráp. Sorry, Nâa, for making you worry.”

[That's a relief. Do you know how scary you are when you're angry? What kind of youth gets angry without showing his face, doesn't make a fuss, runs into the room to cry every time?]

“Mâe-aa, Nông Thǎem does make a fuss, Nâa.”

[When Nông Thǎem makes a fuss, it means he's not really angry. If he's really angry, he'll run away to cry.]

“Oh, Mâe-aa.”

Several days have passed since I fought and then made up with Senior Phîi Khǎi. From him always secluding himself in the study, Senior Phîi Khǎi is willing to come out to the living room, eat together, sometimes go to bed together. What seems to have progressed is just that Senior Phîi Khǎi likes to touch me often, sometimes hugging, sometimes kissing. And it's hilarious. Down there gets rock-hard, but he doesn't dare do more than that if I don't permit it. And does he think I am brave like that night every day or something?

What's even funnier is that Senior Phîi Khǎi couldn't wash off the permanent marker word 'cheater,' so he walked around with a smudged forehead for several days. Whenever I see it, I burst out laughing, not a trace of anger left... I secretly took a photo and saved it on my phone too.

So when Mâe called today, I confirmed that I'm not angry anymore. Even though Mâe asked about Senior Phîi Khǎi going to America without telling e, we fought and made up just the same, Nâa.

[By the way, it's almost Nông Thǎem's birthday, Ná. You must come home to eat, Ná, my child.]

“Hmm, I checked the exam schedule. I finish exams before my birthday. Mâe... can I invite Senior Phîi Khǎi along, Mǎi?” Even though I avoid going to Mâe's new house quite a bit, still, on birthdays, we eat together. And in a few weeks, I will be fully twenty years old too.

[Yes. Mâe was planning to invite Khǎi anyway. Ah, Mâe has to hang up now, Ná, my child. Mâe is driving.]

“Khráp. Love you, Nâa, Mâe.”

I put the phone in my pocket, one hand clutching the bag of food I bought at the market before heading to the room, while the other hand fumbled for the keys to the beautiful car... Senior Phîi Khǎi forced on me to use, saying if I don't use it, he will drop off and pick up every day. And judging by that side's sleeping schedule, driving myself in the morning might be safer.

Beep beep.

“Thǎem... Chôoe-Tǎem?”

I was about to open the back door to put things away, but had to freeze when hearing a call full of uncertainty. Then just turning around... My body went cold from head to toe.

“You are a youth who shouldn't have been born.”

Gasp!

Bang.

I stepped back without thinking, hitting the car door until it closed. I widened my eyes, looking at the person in front whose image overlapped with that of a good-looking woman with furious, hate-filled eyes. I remember him now... He is the former Miia of my Phôo.

The person who pointed at me and called me a nuisance to everyone at my Phôo's funeral.

“It's really you, isn't it? Âi'Child of the Miia nôi!”

[[minor wife]]

“Wha... what are you talking about, Khráp?”

“Don't play innocent. You are that Chôoe-Tǎem youth, aren't you?”

“I... I don't know you.”

“Heh. The older you get, the more your face resembles your Mâe. Even your vile nature is inherited, fitting for Mâe and son. It was your Mâe who stole my Phûa from me. Don't you remember, huh? And you yourself must be doing the same as your Mâe. Otherwise, how would you have the means to drive a car worth millions!” The middle-aged woman, whose face was full of wrinkles, looking many years older than her actual age, was speaking louder and louder. And I was trembling, unable to do anything.

The fear from childhood was still deeply embedded in my heart.

“Mâe... My Mâe didn't steal anyone's Phûa. My Mâe and my Phôo loved each other.” I tried to argue, tried to reclaim what my real Mâe was.

“But I am the Miia dtàeng! No matter what, your Mâe was a Miia nôi! And you are the child of a Miia nôi!”

[[legal wife]]

He shouted in my face, which I couldn't argue against.

Even though my Phôo and my real Mâe loved each other before my Phôo was forced to marry the woman in front, the person holding the marriage certificate was this person. Phôo might have loved Mâe, came to see Mâe, but it couldn't be denied that my real Mâe's status was just a Miia nôi. He was right... I am just the child of a Miia nôi.

“Why... why do you have to say things like this... it's been over ten years. You took everything already.” I will not cry in front of this woman. But my words only made those vicious eyes blaze even more.

“Because you are the one who destroyed my life!! If you didn't exist, your Phôo would still be with me. My life wouldn't be like this! And your Mâe is the same. She wouldn't have died giving birth to you. Your Phôo wouldn't have been hit by a car and died. You are just a jinxed youth!”

Don't cry. Don't cry now.

I felt my ears ringing, vision blurring. People passing by were standing watching me and her. But I didn't care. Right now, only the words saying I killed my Phôo and Mâe echoed in my head. But I will not cry. Will not show weakness to the person who mocks the lives of me and my family, letting him feel satisfied.

“Even if Phôo didn't have me... Phôo would never love a vicious woman like you.”

“You damned-animal youth!”

I ignored the woman shouting curses at me, making a move to lunge and scratch me, because I quickly turned to get in the car, pressed the lock, didn't care that the other party was hitting the car. I quickly started the engine, then drove away from there as fast as I could, with a heart that felt like it was shattering when reminded that I am unwanted by anyone.

Am I a murderer who killed my own parents...? Am I not supposed to be born into this world?

“Don't cry, Âi'Thǎem... don't cry. I told you not to cry, dammit!” The hand holding the steering wheel trembled noticeably. But I still tried to control the car with all my remaining sanity. I only knew that I wanted to go home as fast as possible, to the person I could cry out loud to.

I'm not a jinx, right? In this world, there are still people who want me, right?

Perspective Khǎi

Bang!

“You're back... Chôoe-Tǎem!”

Snap.

“Ph... Phîi Khǎi... Sob... Waaahhhhhh!”

“Chôoe-Tǎem, what happened?”

Waaah... Sob... Sob... Sob.

I was making coffee when the door opened. But before I could utter the greeting I practice every day, Chôoe-Tǎem's tear-stained face made me drop everything, rush straight to him, just as he also ran to me, hugging me tightly with both arms. Then he buried his face against my shoulder and... broke down sobbing.

Chôoe-Tǎem has never cried this heavily before.

As far as I have seen, he usually has teary eyes that make me unable to bear it every time, or at most, the night we fought. But he still had the strength to talk to me, tell me how he felt.

But this time was different. What he did was clutch my shirt tightly, tears dropping one after another, soaking into my shirt, letting out uncontrollable crying sounds.

Thump.

“I... is just... a jinx... Sob... Sob...”

Suddenly, he lost strength and sank down to sit folded on the floor, both hands still clutching my shirt, until I leaned down to follow, seeing many tears dripping onto the floor. Then incomprehensible sobbing sounds came from his mouth.

Chôoe-Tǎem looked pitifully weak.

Snap.

“Sob... Waaahhhhh!” I sank down to sit, immediately gathering him into my embrace. One hand pushed his head down onto my shoulder, the other arm hugged around his waist, pulling him up to sit on my lap to serve as a cushion. Which I wanted to be more than a cushion. I wanted to be the one to receive his pain.

“Calm down, Chôoe-Tǎem. You (Thooe) are making yourself unable to breathe.” He sobbed until his body jerked, looking like he couldn't breathe. And I was afraid that if it got worse, he might have a seizure, so I tried to pat his head and shoulders, to make him calmer.

Click-click-click.

Chôoe-Tǎem kept crying and crying, while shaking his head back and forth on my shoulder. He tried to say something, but there were only choked sounds and sobs that made his body heave.

I thought asking him now probably wouldn't get an answer. So I held him tightly, kept wiping his tears, even though it didn't help at all. His eyes started to look bruised and red, until I had to press a kiss to his trembling eyelids softly, whispering to him that it's okay, no matter what happened, I will stay with him right here.

Please, God. Let me take his pain upon myself, please don't let him suffer anymore.

“It's okay, Ná. It's okay.” I rocked him gently, moved to lean against the wall by the entrance, letting him cry out as much as he wanted. If it would help this little-one feel even a little better, it would be good.

I am not sure how long I sat hugging him. Maybe half an hour, or almost an hour. Now his eyes were completely bruised, until I had to try to stop Chôoe-Tǎem from rubbing his eyes, gathering both his hands, pulling them to hug around me, rocking him continuously until the sobbing began to fade, the shaking and jerking like someone unable to breathe calmed down, until I felt relieved.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi...” His voice was hoarse and pitiful.

Chôoe-Tǎem seemed like he could break down at any moment.

“What is it?” I tried to speak to him with the gentlest tone a stern-faced person like me could manage, stroking his hair, supporting the back of his neck when he looked up with a messy face to meet my eyes. Until I saw the trembling orbs that looked like they would shatter. Then he asked me.

“I... I shouldn't have been born into this world, Khráp?”

“Where did you get that idea?!” I widened my eyes, looked at him with my gaze stunned.

“She told me that... Sob... no one wants me. I'm just a parasite. Just... a nuisance. Just a youth no one wants. Thǎem made my real Mâe... Sob... Sob... have to die. Made Mâe Núk have a hard life. She said I'm a murderer. If I weren't born, no one would die. If I weren't in this world... everyone would be happy.” Chôoe-Tǎem poured everything out. And he trembled so much that I quickly hugged him tightly.

“No, Chôoe-Tǎem. You (Thooe) are my happiness.”

“But... but Senior Phîi Khǎi... even if Senior Phîi Khǎi didn't meet Thǎem... someday you (Phîi)... you (Phîi) would have to meet someone who makes you (Phîi) happy... a youth like Thǎem... where can you (Phîi) find one?”

“No! You (Thooe) are you (Thooe). No one can replace you (Thooe), Chôoe-Tǎem!!”

I have never thought of shouting at him even once. But I couldn't bear him saying as if he had no value. He does. He is the most valuable in my eyes. And I believe he is valuable to many other people, whether it's his Phôo, his Mâe, or even Phîi Núk herself.

“Don't listen to the words of someone who wants to destroy you (Thooe). Listen to me. Listen to me, the person who wants you (Thooe)!”

He looked at my face, and then he sobbed.

“You (Thooe) are not a murderer. You (Thooe) have never killed anyone. Everyone must die anyway. It's just dying sooner or later. Your (Thooe) parents died to protect you (Thooe). But that doesn't mean you (Thooe) are the one who killed them. You (Thooe) have to think that you (Thooe) are so valuable that they were willing to sacrifice their lives to protect you (Thooe). Think, Chôoe-Tǎem, that you (Thooe) must live the part of them, love the life they gave, and value it more than anyone. Understand?”

I understand what Chôoe-Tǎem is thinking. I must understand, because I myself was in the car the day my parents died.

On the day our family went on an outing and the car flipped over a cliff, I was in the car with them. But I was the only one who didn't die. My Mâe held my hand before leaving this world with a smile trying to comfort me, saying I would be safe. I had to be trapped in that car with my parents' corpses for almost two days before the rescue team got me out. And I lost my emotions that day.

The first time I was interested in Chôoe-Tǎem was because of his story.

Why Chôoe-Tǎem caught my attention so much was because Phîi Núk told me what happened in the accident over ten years ago.

The first time I heard it, I thought Chôoe-Tǎem was like me. But upon meeting him, he is much weaker than me, needs more protection than me. And realizing another thing, my heart also desires to protect him, will not allow anything to make him sad. But I keep making mistakes over and over. Even now, I still can't comfort him.

What should I do, what should I say, how should I express myself for him to understand how valuable he is to me?

“I will never be happy if you (Thooe) are not in my arms like this.”

If he weren't here, I would still be wandering on, trying to find a place I want to stay forever, which might never be found. He made me find a home. He made me find the person I want to dedicate my life to protecting, want to be the one to wipe away tears, and do everything, even sitting and thinking of hundreds of sentences a day just to talk to him for five minutes.

Sniff... Sniff.

Chôoe-Tǎem let tears roll down onto my palm. Then he held my wrist, buried his face against my palm.

“Can I stay with you (Phîi)... Sob... I'm not a jinx... in Khǎi's life, right... right, Khráp?”

He asked like a child begging for an answer from an adult.

I gave him the best smile I could, then spoke with the most serious voice.

“You (Thooe) are the blessing of happiness in my life.”

Suddenly, he lunged to hug me tightly, crying out again. But this time, I could smile.

“I... I won't listen to words from anywhere else anymore... won't listen to people like that anymore.”

Yes, Chôoe-Tǎem should be confident now that he is valuable to people, especially to this man named Khǒng-khǎit.