MA Chapter 29: I'm Angry Now

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~

Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

I never thought in this life I would cry because someone didn't want me. No.

Because I was confident I wasn't being abandoned, but because I should have been accustomed to this feeling already. Since when I was ten years old, I was told to my face that I was just a burden that made Mâe's life difficult. Moreover, when Mâe got remarried, I was branded as just an outsider in Mâe's new family.

I had no place to return to, and I knew well that I wasn't wanted by any family.

There was no place for myself to fit in anywhere.

Yet, I never cried or made a fuss for anyone to see. I just kept it in my heart, swallowed it in my chest. But why is it that just Senior Phîi Khǎi, the person I recently opened my heart to, telling me that I was the cause of him feeling troubled, made the dam of tears collapse? My heart felt like it was breaking into pieces.

When being told I was a burden, it didn't hurt as much as when Senior Phîi Khǎi said I was a nuisance.

“Don't cry... don't cry, Sí, Thǎem. Just this, be strong. It's just... not being wanted...

...like it has always been...” I tried to stop the tears, but they wouldn't stop flowing, until I could only hug the penguin lord tightly, as if clinging to it. Yet in my heart, the image of the day Senior Phîi Khǎi hugged me when the dormitory burned appeared.

He once said he would be that place for me. Then why is he pushing me away?

If he truly doesn't want me, then why did he give this youth hope of finding his own place?

“Not fair... not fair at all.”

If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be sad about being spoken to like this, right?

Why did Phôo give Nông Thǎem the name Thǎem-rák? Why did he give Nông Thǎem the name Chôoe-Tǎem, when no one loves Thǎem like Thǎem's name means?

“Chôoe-Tǎem, open the door!” I raised my hands to cover my ears tightly, not listening to the door-pounding sound of the person chasing after me. Didn't want to know why he was calling for me, since he pushed me out himself. I also couldn't help thinking that the relationship that developed might have only been me thinking it up on my own.

I am an inexperienced youth who doesn't know love. I am a foolish youth who let my self and heart go to the person by my side. And all that might have just been my own imagination?

Senior Phîi Khǎi might not love you (mueng). All this was just pity for a homeless youth.

When I thought like this, tears rolled even more from my eyes, soaking into the penguin lord, drop after drop.

Creak.

Bang!

Suddenly, the bedroom door swung wide open, until I turned to look with tears still flowing and saw Senior Phîi Khǎi who had a large set of keys in his hand, until I had to quickly wipe the tears from my face. I didn't want to make him feel more troubled than this, even though my heart was deeply wounded by just a few words.

“Why are you crying, Chôoe-Tǎem?” He took only a few steps to reach the bed. But I shook my head vigorously.

“I'm sorry for making you feel troubled... I will sleep as Senior Phîi Khǎi... sob... said.”

Don't cry, Âi'Crazy-tears!

I tried to tell him with a steady voice, but it turned out the tears flowed even more, robbing the uttered voice which was both shaky and sobbing, until I had to use trembling hands to search for the blanket, intending to pull it over to cover my face and eyes. But I wasn't fast enough against the other party who grabbed it to stop me.

“Let go... sob... I'm a nuisance... Nǎa. So... so why are you bothering with me...” I struggled back.

“Go work..... Sí, sob, again. Senior Phîi Khǎi has work to do...” However I tried, I couldn't stop the sobbing until my body shook.

Now I was like a three-year-old child crying fussily, shoulders trembling, sobbing until almost unable to breathe. The sight in front blurred completely because of the clear water drops. Forget about struggling against a person as big as a building; just stopping the tears couldn't even be done, while repeating many times.

“I know... knows that no one... wants me... I know... again, wherever... I'm not... wanted."

Snap.

“Don't say that. Don't say that, Chôoe-Tǎem.”

Senior Phîi Khǎi gathered my body into a hug. Even though his body was warm as usual, I instead felt scared, tried to escape from his embrace, both scratching and pushing. But Senior Phîi Khǎi held on even tighter, pulled my head to rest on his shoulder, his other hand rubbing my back, as if trying to make me stop sobbing.

“Let me go.... You, Phîi, don't want me... No one wants... Thǎem never had.” I hit his back with all the strength I had, but Senior Phîi Khǎi refused to let go. He still held my body, until I was panting tiredly. Just breathing was already hard. Putting more effort into it, my body jerked, mouth open, gasping for air into my lungs with a pitiful manner.

“No one... wants me... No one... sob.”

“That's not true. It's me who wants you (Thooe).”

“Sob.... I don't believe... I don't believe it.”

If you want me, then why push me away?

“Please. I have never lied to you (Thooe).”

"Sob... sob sob."

In the end, I could only cry in his embrace. The hand hitting his back changed to gripping his shirt tightly, shaking my head on his shoulder powerlessly. Wanting to escape, as much as wanting to stay in this embrace.

“Chôoe-Tǎem, calm down first, Thòe. Good youth, don't cry, Ná.”

Cheater. Why do you have to use that kind of voice with me?

I buried my face against his shoulder with all my strength, clutching his shirt tightly, while the force of the sobs began to calm down, replaced by confusion. Because the words contradicted Senior Phîi Khǎi's actions.

“I didn't say I don't want you (Thooe), Chôoe-Tǎem. I'm sorry. I wasn't clear myself.”

"Sob."

Senior Phîi Khǎi began to stroke my head, but I had no strength to respond to him anymore.

“I really felt troubled.” Large teardrops fell even more from my eyes. My heart ached with this word.

“But not because I don't want you (Thooe). It's the exact opposite, Chôoe-Tǎem. If you (Thooe) keep doing this, keep being attached to me like this, I won't be able to control myself anymore.” I looked up at him, not understanding the gaze looking back at all. Because it was both gentle and uncomfortable, mixed together.

“Just before, when you (Thooe) got close to me, I already had to control myself almost to death. When you (Thooe) came to wait for me to eat, waited for me until refusing to sleep, being attached to me like this, my patience is about to run out. You (Thooe) don't know how many things I want to do with you (Thooe). But you (Thooe) have work to do, have reports, have classes, have a social life. I can't just follow my own desires. I can't keep you (Thooe) confined in this house all the time. Before, I could still restrain it. But after I got to embrace you (Thooe), just you (Thooe) getting close, just getting your (Thooe) scent, just touching you (Thooe), I want to throw you (Thooe) down on the bed and do it over and over again!”

“I try to work to stop those thoughts. But you (Thooe) still come and sleep waiting. Do you (Thooe) know that every night I carry you (Thooe) in here to sleep, I have to stop the dirty thoughts that want to do so many things to you (Thooe)?”

My tears stopped flowing. Looked at the person who blurted it all out at once until his face flushed crimson. But it definitely wasn't from shyness. Senior Phîi Khǎi looked frustrated. And then he declared loudly, which made my tears dry up completely.

“I want to have you (Thooe) so badly I'm going crazy!”

I opened my mouth slightly while Senior Phîi Khǎi dropped his head to rest against my head.

“I'm afraid your (Thooe) feelings might have arisen from infatuation. And if you (Thooe) keep being attached to me like this, I'll get used to it. When the day comes that you (Thooe) want to leave me, I'm afraid I won't let you (Thooe) go.” Senior Phîi Khǎi uttered it with all his strength. He hugged my body tightly, willing to say it directly until the resentment gradually disappeared, replaced by...

Whap.

“Ouch!”

“Senior Phîi Khǎi is crazy! Fool, dim-wit, crazy, crazy, crazy!” As soon as I found my voice, I cursed him, punched his shoulder in anger.

“Don't look down on me like this. Infatuation or? Thinking it up myself or? Getting used to it or? Senior Phîi Khǎi is crazy! How can you think like this? How can you think that, huh?!” I hit his shoulder several more times until it hurt my own hand, but refused to stop, both pushing and shoving, looking at the big man who came up with such foolish thoughts.

“If I didn't like you (Phîi), why would I ask you (Phîi) to be my romantic partner? Fool!”

“Chôoe-Tǎem.”

“Don't even call me, Ná. Fool. Do you understand this word, Ná, Âi'foreign-crazy-fool? Fool! The biggest fool!” I shouted in his face, looking at Senior Phîi Khǎi whose neck dropped, no villainous fierce demeanor left, only a person who looked afraid of being abandoned by me.

Are you crazy? Who would abandon whom?

“The reason I'm attached to you (Phîi) is because I like you (Phîi), and I want to be with you (Phîi). What did I do wrong? Why make me cry? Do you know I was so heartbroken I almost died? Thought Senior Phîi Khǎi would kick me out of the house. I thought Senior Phîi Khǎi saw me as a nuisance. When all I wanted was to be attached to my romantic partner, that's all!” I was too tired to hit or pound anymore. Just shouting until my face flushed crimson, just having a stuffy nose was almost too much. Shouting like this, my face must look terrible now.

“I'm angry now. Very angry.”

Snap.

“Just now, just now I thought Senior Phîi Khǎi would wrap I up and throw me away.” I buried my face against his shirt chest with all my strength, sobbing softly.

“No, Chôoe-Tǎem. I never thought that. Never.”

“I know now. But right now, I'm angry at Senior Phîi Khǎi. Very angry.”

“Sorry.” Senior Phîi Khǎi said with a remorseful voice, until I took a deep breath, looked up at his eyes again.

“So, in the end, Senior Phîi Khǎi felt troubled because you want to have something with Thǎem, right?” Never in this life did I think I would have to speak so directly like this. And that made the big man lower his face with a manner like someone confessing a sin.

“Yes. I want to do it every day. Since that day.”

“So you (Phîi) ran away to work instead.” Senior Phîi Khǎi nodded again.

As for me, what? my fist was already raised. While the other party just sat still, accepting his fate.

Grab.

“Hmm.” Just as my fist was about to hit him, I instead grabbed the collar of Senior Phîi Khǎi's shirt, then leaned in to press a strong kiss on his mouth. Though I had to cry out when my mouth hit against his teeth. But I still refused to pull away, pressed the kiss until my mouth sunk into his, then said with the strongest voice my hoarse-from-heavy-crying voice could manage.

“And where did I ever forbid you (Phîi) from doing it?!”

“!!!” Senior Phîi Khǎi widened his eyes to look at me, until I shouted in his face again.

“If you (Phîi) want to do it, you (Phîi) just do it, Sí. I'm your (Phîi) romantic partner, not just a room decoration doll.”

Who forbids anyone to endure for a week? And did you forget that I'm also a man? Thǎem wants to do it too, you know.

I shouted until panting, then shook my head to look away in another direction.

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” I ignored Senior Phîi Khǎi who reached out to hold me, still biting my lip, glaring at the bedroom wall.

“Sorry, Ná.”

“Angry or?”

“Very.”

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” Senior Phîi Khǎi pressed a kiss on my hand.

“I'm appeasing, Ná.”

The biggest cheater ever.

When the tight-lipped person said he was appeasing me, I finally turned back to meet his eyes.

“If you (Thooe) say it like this, even if you (Thooe) want to flee from me to the ends of the earth, I won't let you (Thooe) go then, Ná.” Why do I have to lose to the gentle gaze of this hard-faced person?

In the end, I moved toward him, climbed to sit on his lap, felt that Senior Phîi Khǎi's body had gone rigid already. After that, I placed my hand on his chest, looked into his eyes, then said with a trembling, shaky voice as if about to cry.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi gave this place to be my place already, didn't you? Where could I go, Khráp... Don't chase me away again, Ná.”

I have found a place I don't want to leave anymore. So why would I struggle to run away from him? Just the fact that I attached myself to him isn't clear enough yet. Even though I am a person who truly doesn't care about anyone. If counting my whole life, he is the second person after Mâe that I act attached to like a baby monkey that clings without letting go. But if Senior Phîi Khǎi is more special... I won't agree to share this man with anyone.

Senior Phîi Khǎi slid his hand to touch the nape of my neck, then pushed my face forward to receive a soft-tasting kiss.

“I'm sorry. I won't speak like that again.”

His voice was bright. As for me, I gave him a smile, rubbed his rough cheek until feeling the faint stubble, then cried out.

"Hmm!"

I saw Senior Phîi Khǎi smile again when he touched the tip of his nose to my nose, rubbed back and forth until my face flashed hot. I remembered that my own face probably looked terrible. I was still in the fountain bun style from doing the broadcast. But Senior Phîi Khǎi seemed not to care, because he was still cuddling close to me, alternating with pressing kisses on my lips several times.

“Can I?” He whispered. But this time, he didn't wait for permission first, because he buried his nose against the side of my cheek, until I had to wrinkle my neck to escape, giggling uncontrollably. Especially when Senior Phîi Khǎi slid his hands under my hips, then pushed until our torsos pressed together, I felt shyness welling up in my chest.

Even though I mentally braved myself to tell him to do it, I have only really done it once before, you know.

Fwip.

“Too short, Ná.” I startled when Senior Phîi Khǎi rubbed past my hips, then reached in through the hem of my shorts, until I hugged his neck tightly, answered in a faint voice.

“Last time, Mâe was cleaning out pants at home and found them, so she gave them to me. But I must have grown too tall. They're way too short, Khráp.”

When Mâe visited last time, besides bringing food that filled the fridge, she also gave me clothes she found while cleaning out, fearing I might not have clothes to wear. But when bringing pants from grades 5-6 for me who is much taller now to wear, they ended up very short. Even though there's no problem with the waist, I kept them for sleeping.

To be honest, they're even shorter than boxers.

“The first time I saw, I almost attacked you (Thooe).” I startled when he reached his hand in to squeeze and knead my buttocks, and startled even more heavily when thinking I was almost attacked.

“But Senior Phîi Khǎi didn't do it.”

“I was afraid you (Thooe) would be angry.” I let out a small smile, then had to startle again because Senior Phîi Khǎi was nibbling at my nipple teasingly. Unconsciously slipped my palm into his hair, then gripped and released alternately, to vent the flashes running all over my body.

Wherever Senior Phîi Khǎi touched, it was like an electric current running through.

“I... do I need to take his shirt off?” Senior Phîi Khǎi was still nibbling and playing with my nipple, until I asked with a shaky voice, not knowing if I should take my clothes off.

“No need. Like this is fine.”

“Hmm.” I raised one hand to cover my mouth when Senior Phîi Khǎi used his tongue to lick through the thin t-shirt, until feeling the fabric catching on my nipple making it harden. Which, when Senior Phîi Khǎi saw me startle, he followed to suck on it again, until I used my other hand to grip his hair with full force, bit my own lip tightly.

I don't know if it's because Senior Phîi Khǎi hasn't touched me for a week or not. Wherever he touches, my body goes completely soft.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi... why are you only licking... that spot?”

At this time, Senior Phîi Khǎi was still busy with my nipple, both sucking and licking until the t-shirt was soaked, clinging to the nipple. His other hand kept rubbing and kneading my hips and thighs through the shorts hem repeatedly, until I was flashing hot all over.

“Shaking all over now.” I looked down at my chest, then my face flashed hot because the wet shirt clung flat to the skin until seeing it stiffen and stand up above the shirt. But above all else, Senior Phîi Khǎi was looking at it with a gaze I would define as... the most lewd.

“I... I'm shy.”

“Beautiful.”

I wanted to raise my hand to cover my chest, feeling terribly embarrassed. But when Senior Phîi Khǎi looked at it with eyes like he wanted to devour it, I could only hug his neck tightly, let Senior Phîi Khǎi alternate to suck and lick the other side. The hand playing with my hips changed to rub at my sides, making me unconsciously let out a peculiar sound.

Senior Phîi Khǎi still didn't stop. He rubbed my waist up and down, until my body shook, breath hotter than before. I knew right away that down below was hard already.

I want... I want Senior Phîi Khǎi to grab it so much.

A faint moan. The thought made me unconsciously push my hips to press against Senior Phîi Khǎi's stomach, rub back and forth until it slipped.

“Lift your hips a bit.” I could only do as Senior Phîi Khǎi said by lifting my hips above his lap, let him pull my shorts down until they hung on one ankle. So shy I used both hands to move and cover the lower part of my body. But Senior Phîi Khǎi wouldn't allow it. He grabbed my hands, then pulled them away, opened to see the part that was stiffly resisting and the tip which was a fresh color.

“Cute.”

“Hmm.” I moaned in my throat when Senior Phîi Khǎi used his fingertip to rub from the base upward, and just touching the tip, I saw the fingertip had clear fluid sticking to it in a string, until I raised my hand to cover my face.

My mouth didn't say I wanted it, but down below was honest to a scary degree.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi, cheater. Let me undress alone... cheater.” my voice was faint and weak. And that...

Fwip.

Senior Phîi Khǎi managed to take off the shirt he was wearing quickly, until I myself gaped, could only look at the wide chest I was seeing fully for the second time. And the first time wasn't when we did something together, you know. It was when he took his shirt off for me to wash. The time that passed, he only took out his paired weapon to fight; the other parts were covered completely, until I got even more excited.

Between men's bodies, is it this exciting?

He was a person with a broad chest. And I don't know why he has muscles this size, even though he's seen in the study room all day. But even if I was told there's exercise equipment in that room, I would believe it. Just look at Senior Phîi Khǎi's build. The person who lifted me up, until propping my knees on the bed. And then Senior Phîi Khǎi managed to take off his pants with an easy manner that looked frighteningly skilled.

Now only the bare bodies of me and him remained. And I extended my trembling hand to touch his chest.

I rubbed in a daze, bit my lip until pale white, because just touching it and I felt an electric current running all over my body, flashing hot all over from touching his body. Then when looking down below, I trembled all over... That was what Senior Phîi Khǎi put inside my body.

“You (Thooe) are going to make me unable to endure.” Senior Phîi Khǎi pressed his cheek against my cheek.

“I... what did I do?”

“Your (Thooe) gaze... too provocative.” I was sure I didn't do as he said, but had no right to argue because Senior Phîi Khǎi pressed a kiss on my lips again, sucking my lips until my waist floated. Both my hands slid to hold and rub at the strong neck of the other party, while Senior Phîi Khǎi was lifting my hips, both squeezing and kneading, then he parted my buttocks wide.

“Hmm, hmm...” Just him rubbing his finger at the tight entrance, my body shook, clenched it several times.

“I want to go get gel, but I can't endure.” He whispered, then nibbled my ear lightly while sending his hand to touch at my lips. But not just rubbing. Senior Phîi Khǎi was pushing his finger into my moist mouth.

“Hmm, ah.” He used his finger to intertwine with my tongue, until I could only flick my tongue along the length.

“Suck hard, Chôoe-Tǎem.”

My brain went completely blank. I could only suck and lick Senior Phîi Khǎi's finger as he ordered. And just sucking his finger, I instead felt flashes hot all over. Both legs were already spread wide open when Senior Phîi Khǎi used his other hand to push, and then he used that hand to reach deep under my slender thigh, kneading me two balls lightly.

Until all of Senior Phîi Khǎi's fingers were soaking wet, he slid his hand to his own mouth, then... spat saliva until it was even more wet and slick.

What's happening? “It will hurt a bit, Ná.” Senior Phîi Khǎi said, while I also lifted my hips as if knowing what would happen.

“Ha... It's, it's going in, another, Senior Phîi Khǎi, Senior..."

When it really happened, I let out a choked moan when his soaking wet finger slipped into the tight passage, until I had to push my whole body into the strong embrace, rub the middle part of my torso against the larger part, tingling every time ours rubbed against each other, until I had to send one hand to grasp and hold it together.

Squish-squish-squish.

I shook my hips, moved my body toward Senior Phîi Khǎi unconsciously, while being teased both in front and behind. Senior Phîi Khǎi circled back to kiss my lips again, sucking heavily until my body went limp, breath panting rapidly, felt the finger moving inside my body. Senior Phîi Khǎi rubbed inside, and just him crooking his finger.....

“Ah!!!” I moaned out at the top of my voice, arched my waist like a drawn bow, while Senior Phîi Khǎi pulled his finger out from behind, then... licked.

“Do... don't, Senior. Dir... ty...”

“Sweet, actually.” He whispered, while he brought his paired weapon to rub in place of his finger, until I unconsciously held my breath.

Senior Phîi Khǎi kissed my lips again, intoxicating until dizzy.

Slip.

“Gasp, ah, ah, ha, ha.... Senior... Senior Phîi Khǎi.. hmm, hmm!!!” I shrieked a cry out when he pushed it in until its full length. I felt right away that inside was stretching out, tight and full until afraid it would tear. My vision blurred completely, mixed between discomfort and tingling pleasure.

Senior Phîi Khǎi pressed a kiss on my sweaty cheek, then he... Moved his body.

“Ah, ah, no, Senior... Senior Phîi Khǎi, ha, ha.” I tried to breathe when that large size made me almost unable to breathe, it felt like I was choking on my own breath. But Senior Phîi Khǎi helped by feeding me sweet kisses. His hands rubbed my body, rubbed my back, rubbed my hips. Not long after that, I felt unable to endure...

I was moving my hips toward him myself.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi, tingling, I'm tingling... sob.”

I moaned mixed with sobs, hands clinging to Senior Phîi Khǎi's shoulders tightly, while moving down, felt the tingling in my abdomen every time he pushed in. Tears flowed freely, but it couldn't be stopped. On the contrary, the sound of flesh hitting flesh echoed in my head when I felt Senior Phîi Khǎi lay me down on the bed on my back.

Snap.

“Hmm, no, Senior Phîi... Senior Phîi Khǎi.” He gathered both my legs up to rest over one of his shoulders, then he pulled them apart until almost fully spread. Which, when Senior Phîi Khǎi pushed in, I gasped and startled, moaned a choked sound, raised my hand to cover my own mouth, tears flowing freely, I felt like I was seeing stars blurring in my eyes.

Senior Phîi Khǎi did that several times before speeding up the rhythm until I couldn't catch my breath. Both my hands slid to wipe at the bedsheet, arched my hips to receive every time he moved in, while half-opening my eyes to look at the sharp face that clearly looked tormented.

I noticed since the previous time... When Senior Phîi Khǎi is on the bed... there's no more of the deadpan-faced person.

The gaze looking at me is filled with loving and lustful emotion. The sharp face is wet with sweat drops, full of satisfied expressions, contorted with tingling excitement. Dark eyebrows furrowed together. Breath hot and panting in and out rhythmically. Sometimes Senior Phîi Khǎi looks like a hungry wild animal, but sometimes so passionate the blood in the body boils.

Senior Phîi Khǎi shows me many emotions.

“I'm... I'm going to finish... ah, ahh.”

“Grunt.”

I was about to release. I felt right away that my inside clenched tightly. And Senior Phîi Khǎi gritted his teeth with a grunt as if being tortured. Both sharp eyes closed tightly, until I clenched even more frequently. But he still didn't stop moving in, until I myself was panting until my body shook.

“Another, Senior Phîi Khǎi.... Harder... harder again... ha!!!”

Suddenly, my body jerked in several places, released every last drop, along with exhaustion that attacked my body. My eyelids were so heavy I could barely lift them anymore. But I tried to force it, wanting to look at Senior Phîi Khǎi's face right now even more. However, I must have overused my body. My eyes thus kept closing.

"Senior Phîi Khǎi... hug me..." I mumbled with a trembling voice. And he tightened his embrace, pulling me into his arms.

Senior Phîi Khǎi wasn't finished. I could still feel him moving. But I had no strength to respond anymore and was gradually entering slumber. However, besides the low, panting sound that sounded extremely sexy, uninterrupted next to my ear, I think I heard this phrase.

"I love you (Thooe)."

I just hope I wasn't deliriously talking in my sleep.

I... love you (Phîi) too, Khráp.

That night, even though I fell asleep without full consciousness, I think I had good dreams and was the warmest in a week, when some cheater was willing to come sleep side by side.

What should I do for you (Phîi) to agree to sleep next to me every night? I'll save that thought for tomorrow morning... Tonight, good night, Khráp, my Senior Phîi Khǎi.