MA Chapter 28: Moderation Never Existed

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

“You (mueng) think about it, that ice cream machine hasn't been used even once. Now there are penguin cups, plates, spoons, forks, chopsticks, seat cushions, even the toilet paper holder in the bathroom is a penguin! And look at Âi'Ker, even this water bottle has a penguin print!”

“Your (mueng) Senior Phîi Khǎi really has developed in strange areas, Khráp. From paying money, paying for a car, paying for kitchenware... Hahahaha, this time, the bloody fuck is paying for penguins.”

“Right?!”

Who else could I vent about this to, besides Âi'Ker? So, after the morning class finished and it invited me out to eat in front of the university to change the atmosphere, I easily agreed to come along. Then I used this opportunity to complain about what just happened until my close friend laughed out loud.

After that, I waved the bottle with the print of that swaying bobblehead bird in front of my friend.

“But I (Kuu) think you (mueng) don't need to complain.”

“How can I (Kuu) not complain? It's all money.”

“But your (mueng) face doesn't look like it regrets the money at all, Rǒoe,” Âi'Ker said strangely. Me, not regretful of money? While it rested its chin on its hand, looking at me with a smile. But what's with those mocking eyes, huh? Until I had to emphasize again.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi bought every single thing related to penguins for the house, Khráp. There's even a penguin-print hand towel. All because I (Kuu) told him I (Kuu) love penguins.” I repeated for it to memorize, engraving in its mind what happened. But Âi'Ker shook his head.

“I (Kuu) know already. But this time, Senior Phîi Khǎi isn't the peculiar one. You (mueng) are the peculiar one.”

“How am I (Kuu) peculiar?” However I looked at it, I didn't understand. And that made Âi'Ker... poke my cheek.

Tut-tut-tut. Making such a happy face that he bought them for you (mueng) and still pretending to complain, huh, my (Kuu) friend?”

Splat.

“I (Kuu) am not!” I quickly brushed its hand away, denying with a shaky voice, widening my eyes. But instead...

“Hmm, Phîi Thǎem's face looks like he's showing off his romantic partner, Khráp.”

“Hey, how did you (mueng) get here?!”

I was so startled I almost fell off the chair. Suddenly, there was a voice from the side. When I turned, I found the real little-golden-child who had followed us here somehow, squatting down with elbows on knees, resting its chin on its palm and looking up at me. This time, I was both shocked and startled.

“Hee hee, Little has been here for a long time, since before Phîi Thǎem came in again. Over there, sitting at the innermost table. Phîi Thǎem didn't see Little, Khráp.”

The aforementioned little-golden-child was Little, grinning widely, laughing cheerfully, then pointing behind the restaurant for me to look back until I found Nông D. Plus, there were about three or four other friends, who all raised their hands to wâi me and Âi'Ker immediately when we turned.

“This afternoon, the professor canceled class, so Little's group came out to eat. Then we said we'd go watch a movie afterward.” Little added an explanation. But that wasn't what I wanted to know.

“Who said I was showing off my romantic partner?” I haven't told anyone yet that I am dating Senior Phîi Khǎi. Even Âi'Ker doesn't know. “Hahaha, come on, Little, help me (Kuu) tell this Thǎem what kind of face he was making.”

“Like this, Khráp, Senior. Heh.”

I could only look at my friend and junior who were in perfect sync. Because Little grinned widely, making sparkling eyes. That wasn't enough; he also made its hands into a sunflower, until I tried to frown at him. I was sure I wasn't making such a ting-tong face. As for Âi'Ker, he turned to nod in confirmation.

“Except for the sunflower, you (mueng) smiled exactly like a little-one, Rǒoe.”

“Yessss. If Little hadn't coincidentally walked over and heard Senior Phîi Khǎi's name, Little would definitely think Phîi Thǎem was showing off his Phûa, not showing off a relative at all, Khráp.”

I began to be unsure if Little knew something or not, but the junior spoke with clear, bright eyes, harmless, until I had to raise my hand to touch my cheek, sliding it to my mouth and found that I really was smiling.

No way, I wasn't encouraging Senior Phîi Khǎi to buy extravagant things at all.

“If you (mueng) are happy, just be happy openly, Thòe, Âi'Thǎem. At this point, you (mueng) should just let him pay for it, Lá.” Âi'Ker said jokingly, until I wanted to argue that it's all money. But this time, I couldn't manage to argue. I could only look back at the plastic water bottle with the penguin print in a daze.

“Your (mueng) Senior Phîi Khǎi would probably be happy if you (mueng) told him directly.”

“But what if Senior Phîi Khǎi buys more?”

“Then you (mueng) tell him, 'I'm happy, Khráp. But that's enough now. The house is full. Otherwise, Thǎem will get sick of penguins first.' Then he'll stop. He indulges you (mueng) to death.”

“Yesss, Senior Phîi Khǎi indulges Phîi Thǎem to death, Khráp.”

“Hahaha, this junior relates everything to him, huh, Little.” Âi'Ker teased the junior in a way that made anyone listening laugh with a clear sound.

“Little is just expressing an opinion, Senior. Here, if you like something, tell him directly. Like when Little told Phîi Tôh that Little wanted to eat canned rambutan, he sent some over. Now Little has twenty cans. I ate until I'm tired of the sweetness.” I looked at Little's face in shock. I didn't think this pair had reached the stage of sending things to each other. And then, didn't they say just last week they hadn't seen each other? Has it only been a few days and they know each other's home addresses already?

I swallowed hard. As for Âi'Ker...

“You (mueng) are the slow one. Other pairs have already overtaken and entered the win.”

“Damn-animal!” I cursed it, glaring. But at that moment, my phone vibrated with a notification, so I grabbed it to look... Someone sent me a gift via LINE.

“See? If you're happy, tell him directly. Or do I (Kuu) need to get a mirror to help you (mueng) see another angle?”

When I opened it to look, Âi'Ker said with a laugh in its voice. But I didn't retort with it. Just stared at the new LINE sticker someone sent me, and it was a penguin design too. The kind where my friend didn't need to hold up a mirror; even the cracked screen protector's reflection was clear enough to see that I was smiling so wide my mouth almost reached my ears.

“But did you (mueng) go tell him yourself that you (mueng) like penguins?” Âi'Ker brought up another topic, the kind where I also answered casually while typing a thank-you message to the person who might have just woken up.

“Hmm, why?”

“Just wondering, Ná. Would someone coincidentally buy the exact stuffed animal the other likes so precisely? Is Senior Phîi Khǎi having you watched or what?” I looked up at my friend, then shook my head deeply.

“No way. Senior Phîi Khǎi, that guy, would come look.”

“Well, if you (mueng) say so... By the way, what movie are you all going to watch later, Ná, Little?” my friend turned to pay attention to the junior who was still clinging tightly to the edge of the table. Then it slid the cheese ball plate aside, asking another question that made Little flash a bright smile, grabbing the high-calorie round ball into its mouth, chewing munch-munch, answering the question willingly.

As for me, I was still only interested in the mobile phone.

Sigh. Time, walk a bit faster, will you? I badly want to go home now.

“It's past seven, Khráp.”

“Yesss, past seven, Khráp.”

“How heartless, Ná. We (Âi'rao) went to the trouble of hurrying back, but he doesn't come out at all.”

“The most heartless ever, Khráp.”

No, it's not that I brought Âi'Ker or dragged Little back home with me today, sitting and gossiping about the person still in the study room for stanzas and verses. But right now, I have a new friend sitting on my lap, namely the round-faced penguin lord. And it doesn't have magic to talk back to me. It's me myself imitating a small voice while making the penguin lord nod along.

So what? Now my stuffed animal has a name. Its name is Penguin, Khráp. Even if it sounds thoughtless, it doesn't matter.

“The food is already done.”

“Already took a bath.”

“Right? Smells good too.”

“Smells good, smells good.”

“Yes, but I don't want you (mueng) to smell it. I want Senior Phîi Khǎi to praise me more.” I spoke myself, narrated myself, then sighed. I smacked the face of the lewd penguin whose beak was at the crook of my neck, then looked back at the tightly closed study door.

Senior Phîi Khǎi only came out to greet me when I returned with a tired face, then disappeared to work again. I am hungry, but still, I want to eat with Senior Phîi Khǎi.

Ughhh.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi, are you finished working, Khráp?” I snapped out of my thoughts immediately, stood up to full height, still holding the penguin lord with my hand, looked at the face of the person walking out of the study looking drained of energy, asking with hope. But instead, I had to let my neck drop.

“Not yet, Rǒoe.”

“I see, Khráp. Then Thǎem will put the food in the fridge first. When Senior Phîi Khǎi is hungry, you can heat it up to eat.” I turned towards the dining table, shoulders slumped, neck dropped, thinking that today we probably won't get to eat together after all.

Snap.

“No need to put it away.” Suddenly, Senior Phîi Khǎi stepped over to hold my hand, until I looked up to meet his eyes.

“Eat first, then I'll go back to continue.” Just that, and I smiled broadly immediately. It felt like the world brightened up instantly. I grabbed the hem of his shirt.

“Really, Khráp?”

“Hmm.” Once Senior Phîi Khǎi nodded, I knew right away that I was smiling sweetly, happy to a scary degree. Then I quickly turned to grab the bowl of clear noodle soup that had gone cold to warm up in the microwave.

“Today there's clear noodle soup, steamed egg, and spicy lime pork salad, Khráp.”

“I'll help scoop the rice.” Senior Phîi Khǎi leaned over to look at the dishes, and I think he was suppressing a smile when he saw the bright blue plate holding the lime pork salad with a small penguin clinging to the edge of the plate, until I had to quickly tell him.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi, do you know you bought too much?”

“What?”

“This stuff.” I pointed to the penguin-print cup placed on the counter, then pointed to the new tablecloth still in its plastic packaging. Didn't want to enumerate what else, because the person who ordered it himself probably already knew. My effort to force a stern face was weakening by the moment.

“Don't you like them?”

“I like them, Khráp. Hmm, no, no, no. Thǎem must not be soft-hearted. I don't know, Senior Phîi Khǎi, you must not buy more, Khráp. Now, wherever I look, all I see are penguins.” I quickly told him fast before I myself would lose to those fierce eyes that looked noticeably downcast. Now that I can perceive his mood, my heart like this is melting into water.

“I'll try.”

“Try and do it, Khráp.” Senior Phîi Khǎi looked a bit upset, until I hesitated just a bit, my cheeks heating up. But I didn't want him to misunderstand that I didn't like them, since I myself had been sitting and smiling all day.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi.” He turned to meet my eyes.

Mwah.

“Thank you for the gifts, Khráp.” I quickly kissed his cheek, then hurriedly turned to open the microwave, grabbed the soup bowl, walked with legs almost tangling to the dining table, not daring to look at Senior Phîi Khǎi's face. Only knew that I myself did it, got shy myself, and then couldn't look at his face myself.

After placing it down, I walked quickly to grab the penguin lord to sit on my lap at the dining table too, bowing my head, waiting for the person who said he would scoop rice. Until he placed the plate in front of me, but Senior Phîi Khǎi didn't sit opposite; he came to sit side by side.

“Sorry for making you wait to eat.”

“Thǎem didn't wait long enough to warrant an apology, Nǎa.” I said softly, then glanced at Senior Phîi Khǎi who was scooping food for me.

“Next time, no need to wait. You can eat first.”

I didn't answer the question, just scooped rice into my mouth. Because just waiting to eat like this, why wouldn't I be able to wait? In the past, waiting for Mâe to come home late from work, I waited through that too.

As for Senior Phîi Khǎi, he really seemed to have urgent work, because he hurriedly scooped rice into his mouth. I don't know if he tasted it or not. In less than five minutes, the large plate of rice was swept clean into his stomach. Then he stood up, pulled my hand over to press a heavy kiss, saying with a serious tone that somehow sounded guilty.

“I'm going back to work now.”

Already leaving, Khráp?

I almost let a whiny voice escape, but luckily stopped my mouth in time. Could only reluctantly nod slowly, knowing immediately that my face fell. But I didn't want Senior Phîi Khǎi to feel troubled, so I pushed his arm.

“Senior Phîi Khǎi, go work, Thòe. I will clean up later.” He went silent for a moment, acting like he wanted to say something, but then sighed, and turned back to enter the study again. Until the door closed.

That's it, I sighed loudly with a gasp. Didn't know anymore if the clear soup I tried hard to make was delicious or not.

I just wanted to spend time together, but what can I do? Senior Phîi Khǎi is busy, Nǎa.

I continued eating despondently, got up to clean up, but refused to go back to the bedroom. I managed to bring the MacBook out to sit and do homework outside, my neck constantly craning to see when Senior Phîi Khǎi would come out. Even though we've lived together for a month, I already knew well that once he goes in, he usually disappears for a long time.

After that, I sat doing homework continuously until finished, then went to check email a bit, and then stumbled upon the story about the boss and the angel that I secretly read yesterday, but I didn't dare click to read it again. Otherwise, I would definitely have desires again. And I am not brave enough to ask Senior Phîi Khǎi to do that kind of thing together.

Even though in my heart of hearts, I want to do it again.

“Ouch, you've become too brave, Âi'Thǎem!” I closed my eyes, shook my head, then looked at the penguin lord, couldn't help but pat its head lightly.

“Don't come look. Senior Phîi Khǎi is the one who taught Thǎem about these things.” I wrinkled my nose at it, patted its head again. But after patting, I felt guilty. In the end, pulled it into a hug, placed my head on the penguin lord, looked towards the study door, not paying any attention to the TV playing an animal documentary.

I know it wastes electricity, but let me wait for Senior Phîi Khǎi a bit longer, then it's fine.

After that, I sat watching something, brought study sheets to review, then sat making up practice final exam questions for Âi'Ker. I looked at the clock again, and it was already past two in the morning. The study door was still tightly shut. Feeling so sleepy my eyes were almost closing, I slid to lie down on the sofa, both arms hugging the penguin lord tightly.

I didn't go sleep in the bedroom because I didn't know which room Senior Phîi Khǎi would sleep in. And it probably isn't a wrong thing, is it, that at least I want to sleep next to him, since we are romantic partners now.

This was the last thought before I drifted off to sleep.

***

Last night, I slept on the sofa. But in the morning... I woke up on the bed.

“Since when?!” I woke up in the morning on the large bed alone. No need to tell who brought me to sleep here. But there was no sign that Senior Phîi Khǎi had slept next to me, until I could only hug my knees, neck dropping, burying my face, unable to help feeling lonely. Because if I had waited for him a bit more, we might have gotten to talk before sleeping.

“It's okay. Today, start over.”

I told myself, then got up to shower and get ready to go to class, determinedly waiting to go home. But it seemed Senior Phîi Khǎi's work was really urgent. Today, he only managed to come out to eat dinner together. But a bit better, he kissed my cheek quickly and went back to the study again. Tonight, I still sat waiting for him. I remembered the last time I looked at the clock was at three AM, and then entered the same routine.

I woke up in the morning on the large bed again.

After that, the whole week looped like that, until I barely paid attention in class... Well, I didn't sleep enough!

Until midweek, when I returned home in a state like a dead ghost, until classmates, as well as seniors and juniors, asked what I had been doing. But who could answer that I sat waiting for my romantic partner to come say goodnight every night? Because just telling Âi'Ker once, it teased until I shook my head to escape.

Who was it, huh, who said I wasn't attached to Senior Phîi Khǎi?

Well, now I am attached, okay? Can you not bring up the past?!

“You're back, Rǒoe?”

“Senior Phîi Khǎi.” But today was different. Senior Phîi Khǎi didn't lock himself in the room. He was in the living room with his MacBook, until I almost ran to him, sending him a wide smile, letting him know that the voice that asked was full of excitement.

“Is your work finished, Khráp?”

“Not yet... but I want to talk to you (Thooe).” Just Senior Phîi Khǎi grabbed my shoulder, then slid down to hold my hand.

“I told you, no need to wait.” He looked into my eyes, but I think he was looking at the bags under my eyes more. Today, everyone said I looked like a panda until I quickly raised my hand to cover my face.

“I just accidentally fell asleep on the sofa.”

“Every day?”

“Well...” I fell silent for a moment, slowly lowered my hand, glanced up at him. “...Can't I wait for my romantic partner? I can't do that, Rǔue?”

Senior Phîi Khǎi looked stunned. The hand holding my hand seemed to tremble. Then he moved closer, slid his other hand to wrap around my waist, pulling me in until our bodies pressed close together. After that, he buried his face on top of my head. I heard him take a deep breath too.

Then he mumbled. “You (Thooe) are making me get used to this.”

I smiled, snuggled closer to him. Well, if we get accustomed to closeness like this, it's a good thing, isn't it?

This was the thought that made me smile. But if I had looked up at Senior Phîi Khǎi a bit, I would have seen how stressed his face was.

***

“Thank you everyone who came to watch me and tease me, Khráp. Today, let's end a bit early, Ná. My eyes are about to close.”

I opened my mouth to yawn for the camera to see, even though the image on screen was quite... hideous and terrible.

Today, there's no cute Chôoe-Tǎem. Because I promised my regular listeners that I would apply white powder until my face was pasty like wearing chalk pack, tie a fountain bun on top of my head, act crazy and dumb. But with dark under-eye circles, until barely holding back yawns, it was those viewers who teased until satisfied and then chased me to go to sleep.

Don't ask how many times I yawned. Countless times.

These past few days, I have slept only three to four hours a day.

But today, I absolutely refused to sleep early. Even though I ended the broadcast before nine PM, because right after closing the computer, I rushed to wash my face. Then went out to find the person who was still working in the living room. If I hadn't been bound by the promise to go make my face pasty, I wouldn't have gotten up from the sofa at all. So, upon seeing Senior Phîi Khǎi hadn't escaped to his room yet but was working with a stressed face, I grabbed the beloved penguin lord child, then walked over to plop down sitting next to him.

I bowed my head to look only at my lap, rubbed my hands on my shorts nervously.

“It's late. Go to sleep, Thòe.”

Click-click-click.

“It's only nine, Khráp. I'm not sleepy yet.” I answered quickly, excited to be near him after being apart for a week.

“Is that so?” Senior Phîi Khǎi held the words in his throat. He turned to look at me a bit, seemed like he wanted to say something, but he didn't speak, bowed his head to look at the screen filled with English of the kind that even I felt dizzy. It's not that I am dim-witted at English, but encountering it like reading a thick textbook can make one blurry too.

Especially when this sleepy, other languages just don't enter my head.

After that, I sat hugging the penguin lord, alternating with glancing at Senior Phîi Khǎi's face. Realized how serious he is when working, because he didn't get distracted to look at me even a bit. His fingertips typed fast until the tap-tap sound echoed throughout the living room.

However, the typing sound entering my ears as a repetitive rhythm made my eyelids gradually close little by little.

Gasp!

No, must not sleep. Senior Phîi Khǎi went to the trouble of coming out to work outside.

I jerked my head up like being startled, felt like I had dozed off for a bit, until I had to shake my head vigorously.

“Go to sleep, Thòe.” Senior Phîi Khǎi must have seen, because he turned to look at me now.

“No, I'm not sleepy, Ná.” I tried to refuse while raising my hand to rub my eyes. But my consciousness was already very blurry.

“Your (Thooe) eyes are about to close.”

“Let me stay like this a bit longer.” I was still stubborn, even though I knew myself that I couldn't take it anymore. While Senior Phîi Khǎi placed the MacBook on the table, then he came to me whole body, reached his arm to grab the hand trying to rub my eyes, until I had to look up to meet his eyes, and found that Senior Phîi Khǎi was looking at me with an extremely stressed expression.

“Go to sleep, Thòe, Chôoe-Tǎem.”

“Can I stay like this a bit longer, Khráp?” I pleaded with him, but his gaze only grew more intense.

“You (Thooe) shouldn't be attached to me like this.”

“Huh?”

“You (Thooe) are making me feel troubled.”

The sleepiness almost disappeared completely, followed by shortness of breath. Could only look at Senior Phîi Khǎi's face that looked so serious it was scary. But his words were echoing back and forth in my heart.

“You (Thooe) shouldn't come to wait for me until sleep-deprived. I don't know why you (Thooe) do that, but it makes me feel troubled and worried until I can't work. And it's not just one night. You (Thooe) have been doing this all week, every night I have to come out and see you (Thooe) sleeping under the A/C right here, until I myself can't stand it anymore either."

“...I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry for making you feel troubled.”

At the end of Senior Phîi Khǎi's words, I was stunned, unable to speak. Then when I uttered it, my voice trembled scarily, while quickly standing up, pulling my hand out from his grasp, the other hand hugging the penguin lord tightly.

“I didn't know Senior Phîi Khǎi didn't like it. I... I just wanted to be with you (Phîi). I'm sorry... sob.”

“Chôoe-Tǎem!”

I could only say that much, then hurriedly ran into the bedroom because tears were already flowing.

If I stood here another minute, I would definitely cry and whine until he surely came to hate me. Even though I just wanted to be with him (Phîi), it seems I was the only one thinking that way.

Ná, Khráp.