MA Chapter 22: The Blanket is Warm, But the Person's Skin is Warmer

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

That is right, Nîi. How will I be able to look at Phîi Khǎi's face?

“Phîi Khǎi... you (Phîi) do not have to wipe for.... me, Ná, Jîi.”

I just ask the question of how I will look at Phîi Khǎi’s face five minutes ago, and five minutes later, I have to raise both hands to cover my face, my body soft and limp. Because when the other person regains control of his breathing, he gets up and grabs the towel that fell beside the bed to wipe and clean me.

Do you (Phîi) understand this? My shorts are still disgracefully left at the edge of my hips!

So Phîi Khǎi is using the towel to wipe my stomach until it (man) tingles. But what makes me raise my hands to cover my face is because he is wiping and cleaning even.... that part.

Hmph. He lifts the soft, limp part up to wipe and clean until it (man) is spotless.

Okay, it is true that I just rubbed my mini-cocktail against him, but is it right for him to lift it (man) up and wipe it (man) tenderly?

I know he is gentle and considerate, but will you (Phîi) ask me one word if I am embarrassed or not?

If I could act like dust and burrow into the bedsheet, I would have done it (man) already.

“I (chǎn) will do it (man).” Khǎi responds.

Phîi, please do not make a statement that needs an answer like just now!

When he answers, I feel even more embarrassed, because Phîi Khǎi speaks with a normal tone as if it (man) is an ordinary thing that must be done. Which I also do not know if this is an ordinary thing that must be cleaned or not. Uh, what am I to him, Ná? Let us say we are people who just rubbed that part together.

I slowly spread my fingers to look at Phîi Khǎi’s face, and then I ask in a trembling voice.

“And what about Phîi...”

“It is not a problem. I (chǎn) will go take a shower later.” He looks down at himself, not minding the dark-colored shirt that is now stained with a fishy smell. Then he turns back to wipe me until he is sure I am clean. He pulls my pants up and puts them on for me as before.

“It is good that the shirt is not stained.”

He even checks again that the t-shirt I am wearing is not stained with anything, and then gets up from the bed.

“Are you (thooe) hungry?”

When he asks, I feel hungry immediately, because at noon I only ate a little, planning to save my stomach to eat dinner with Phîi Khǎi. So I can only nod, even though both hands still cover my cheeks, leaving only my round eyes.

“I (chǎn) will call and order, Ná.”

Hey!

A second ago I was embarrassed, but as soon as I hear the other person say he will call to order, I quickly grab the hem of his shirt, shaking my head hard with a panicked expression. The image of the five-thousand-baht-per-meal salmon flashes into my head immediately, until I have to quickly say in a trembling voice.

“No... no need to order, Ná, Phîi Khǎi.”

“But you (thooe) probably cannot go out to eat.” He raises an eyebrow.

“I can make it (man) to eat, Ná.”

“You (thooe) are tired already.”

Thump-thump. The way Phîi Khǎi sweeps his gaze over me from head to toe makes my face heat up and my heart pound. The events from before almost replay a second time. But with my stingy, frugal nature, I still try to argue with a trembling heart.

“Thǎem... Thǎem wants to eat instant noodles. Boiled instant noodles will do, Khráp.”

“But...”

“Ná, Phîi Khǎi.”

I do not know how I am looking at him. It (man) might be the gaze of an extremely stingy person, because Phîi Khǎi is silent for a moment, before nodding.

“Then I (chǎn) will take a shower first. I (chǎn) will make it (man) for you (thooe) later.”

Oh dear. Even without a housekeeper for just one night, the room is already in such a state of devastation. If I let him boil instant noodles, will I not have to wake up to clean the kitchen before the sun even rises tomorrow?

I think, but I do not speak. I let go of the hem of Phîi Khǎi’s shirt, watching the other person walk back to his room to take a shower as he said. Then I sit still, inhaling to call back my scattered senses. Both hands grip my left chest firmly. I am still excited about what happened, unable to get over it (man). Both legs kick lightly on the bed, extremely shy and embarrassed.

“Get a grip, Âi'Thǎem. Get a grip.”

I pat my cheeks lightly, but my brain keeps thinking about what happened just now, until I repeat several times that if I keep sitting still thinking about that, Phîi Khǎi will finish his shower and go destroy the kitchen for sure. So I decide to get up and head straight to the bathroom, intending to wash my hands and face a bit. And as soon as I see my reflection in the mirror...

“Are you (mueng) drunk on Phîi Khǎi or what, Âi'crazy Thǎem?!”

I have never been drunk on liquor, because I do not drink. But many people say that when I eat Doi Kham fruit, my face looks like a drunk person’s. So having my cheeks bright red, my eyes moist and alluring, plus swollen, bruised lips like this must be the same symptom.... drunk on Phîi Khǎi.

I mean, I am so drunk that my senses are not with my body at all.

Âi'Ker once said that when my face is like this, there must definitely be guys who have bad intentions toward me. I half-believe and half-doubt it (man). But when I think that I have been making this face at Phîi Khǎi all along, I want to know what Phîi Khǎi thinks of me. Because this is not just the symptom of being drunk on Doi Kham fruit anymore. It (man) is more than that, until I cannot help but think that my face looks somehow provocative.

“Phîi Khǎi probably does not think Thǎem is provoking him, Ná.” I really do not think about provoking him, Ná. I start to worry. But I do not worry for long. I quickly manage to wash my hands and face, then go out to boil the instant noodles swiftly, even though my heart is still working hard without stopping.

Bubble bubble bubble...

I look at the pot placed on the fire. The water in the pot is starting to boil, so I drop two packs of instant noodles in. Then I turn to rummage for additional ingredients to put in. But because I originally plan that after finishing eating with Phîi Khǎi, I will invite the person with a car to go buy household supplies together next, the entire refrigerator only has two eggs left, a bunch of frozen food, and then...

“Why does it (man) have to be only this left, Rǒoe?” I grumble, looking at the four sausages and not knowing what to do. What happened flashes into my head again. In a moment of complete and sound mind, I dare say that I do not regret what happened at all. Throughout the time Phîi Khǎi helps me erase the traces from Âi'Guy, Phîi Khǎi does not just do it (man) thoughtlessly at all, even though he also looks tormented like that. He touches me tenderly. He hugs me gently. Even when flipping me down onto the bed, he does it (man) slowly.

“The decision is not wrong.”

I grab a knife to cut the sausages into bite-sized pieces, then throw them into the pot. I add the seasoning, and then crack the eggs as a finale.

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” It (man) coincides with the room owner stepping quickly into the kitchen.

“Why are you (Phîi) doing it (man)?” I raise my head to look at him. I know Phîi Khǎi probably has not finished speaking, because he says in a stressed voice.

“You (thooe) should rest.”

Does he think I just lost my virginity or something?

I am startled for a moment, before breaking into a smile. My heart senses the concern according to the pattern of his stern, rigid face. The person who comes in to help lift the pot and place it (man) on the dining table acts as if I have just been skewered by him and am hurt until I cannot walk.

When I think, my face heats up intensely. I feel like my system will crash suddenly. Even with just this, I almost cannot handle it (man). If he does more than that... will I not die?

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” However, Phîi Khǎi calls me in a stressed voice. He steps close to my body, and then he mumbles a request for permission, before extending his cold hand—because he just showered—to touch the side of my cheek.

“You (thooe) have a fever.”

“Not at all.” I quickly deny it (man), feeling good about the cold hand touching my cheek. But I also quickly evade, because I do not have a fever. I am thinking about something disgraceful and unforgivable. Right now, forget my face; even my body is hot, hot all over. The more I look at Phîi Khǎi, the more I feel strangely flustered, until I avoid by going to get two bowls and two sets of forks and spoons to place on the table.

“But...”

“Thǎem does not have a fever, Ná. Thǎem just feels hot.” I keep making excuses, and then hand him a bowl.

After that, I avoid looking at his face by starting to scoop noodles and broth into a bowl. I feel like I have not eaten this instant noodle to sustain life for a long time. It (man) must be since I came to live with Phîi Khǎi. There is not a single meal where I have to go hungry like when I lived alone in the dorm. And that makes me remember.

“Phîi Khǎi, about quitting.” I remember now that Phîi Khǎi tells the manager that I will quit. But even though the incident happens, I still do not want to lose that income.

The moment I finish speaking, Phîi Khǎi, who is about to scoop some noodles, puts his fork down and looks at my face, until I have to quickly continue.

“Can I not quit? I know what happened today. I myself also cannot help it (man). But because I was also shocked. Next time, Thǎem will not go in to be with a customer one-on-one like that anymore. And everyone here is a good person. I also need to earn money to pay for my own studies. So I do not want to quit...” In reality, Phîi Khǎi is not my guardian. I do not need to ask him either. But right now, I do not want him to be angry.

“Chôoe-Tǎem, I (chǎn) beg you (thooe). Please quit, Thòe.”

Before I even finish speaking, he interrupts. But he does not argue with me with reasons. Instead, he begs me with a sincere tone, before continuing with a tone I cannot bear.

“Because you (thooe) are an important person to me (chǎn).”

Phîi Khǎi is a cheater.

I may have just realized that I am weak to this kind of tone. Other people might wonder what the difference is, but I understand now that Phîi Khǎi is begging me, is pleading with me. The more he is saying fully that I am an important person to him, the heart that once thinks it (man) is an iron fortress not allowing love to seep in melts into water.

My heart beats hard, and I can only think that he is really a cheater.

“I (chǎn) do not want to see that again.”

“It (man)... I think.... it (man) probably will not happen again.” let-me-die. My voice is really very soft. Where is the Chôoe-Tǎem who relentlessly demands report money from friends without any compromise?

“Chôoe-Tǎem.”

“The pay there is good.” I bring up the final reason to negotiate, even though in my heart I think, forget it (man). Just doing DJ work and the salary Phîi Khǎi gives is enough to live on already. Save a bit and I can get tuition fees comfortably. So if a close friend is here, they would probably tease me like crazy.

Scrape

“Ah, Phîi Khǎi.” However, Phîi Khǎi just gets up nonchalantly, so I am startled.

Is he angry with me? That is right, Nîi. He goes to the trouble of helping, and I still stubbornly resist him.

Until my heart plummets to my ankles. The hesitation from earlier vanishes instantly, because I do not want him to be angry. I do not want him to see me as stubborn. But I still sit still in place, along with eyes that are starting to heat up.

Phîi Khǎi is angry now.

Something is not right. He has never been angry with me. All along, it (man) has only been me who is angry with him. When I think he is angry, I do...

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” I turn sharply to look at him, and find that Phîi Khǎi comes out of the study with a piece of paper. Then he walks over to stop in front of me, until I almost reach out to grab the hem of his shirt. But this time, I become afraid instead. Is this the feeling Phîi Khǎi has every time he is about to touch me?

This is it (man), Ná, the fear that the person we care about will be displeased with us.

Yes, I am caring about Phîi Khǎi.

So I bow my head and grip the hem of my t-shirt tightly.

“If I (chǎn) raise your (thooe) salary, you (thooe) probably will not be pleased. And if I (chǎn) transfer money to you (thooe) outright, you (thooe) will probably be angry. So what if I (chǎn) ask to pay your (thooe) tuition fees for you (thooe) instead? Will it (man) be okay?”

“Eh?” I am startled. I raise my head to meet his eyes, and find that Phîi Khǎi is serious.

“I (chǎn) know you (thooe) do not want to accept anyone’s money for free. So let us do it (man) like this. I (chǎn) will pay your (thooe) tuition fees every semester, in exchange for you (thooe) having to get a GPA higher than 3.50 each semester. Consider it (man) a scholarship. Which means it (man) is not for free, because you (thooe) have to study hard to get this grade. Is it (man) okay?” He waves the paper in his hand, and I get to see the tuition fee schedule for my faculty, until I can only open my mouth a little. I want to refuse because Phîi Khǎi does not get anything at all.

He is not an educational organization that grants scholarships to good students in the slightest.

“But Phîi Khǎi....”

Thump

Suddenly, he kneels directly in front of my chair, and reaches out to hold my arm. His expression is like that of a person at a dead end, until all my words are swallowed in my throat.

“Do not reject me (chǎn). I (chǎn) do not know anymore what other method there is to beg you (thooe).” I admit that my hands are trembling, while in my head I ask myself why he does this much for me.

“You (thooe) can scold me (chǎn). You (thooe) can be angry at me (chǎn) for using money to solve the problem. But I (chǎn) beg you (thooe). Please quit, Thòe. I (chǎn) am worried.”

What am I hesitating about, Ná? Between getting to work at the clothing store and the concern of this man, the answer is already clear. Until I turn my palm to grip his wrist instead, and squeeze back.

“Can Phîi Khǎi say it (man) one more time, Khráp?” He looks at my face, and then opens his mouth.

“I (chǎn) know you (thooe) do not want to accept anyone’s money for free...”

“Not that, Khráp. The last sentence.” Phîi Khǎi is silent, but then he speaks it (man) out.

“I (chǎn) am worried about you (thooe).”

I look at his face. The man I am most prejudiced against in the world. But the concern he has for me today makes me realize how stupid I am for seeing him as an evil Satan all along. The person who has so much money he could buy me a car worth several million, but instead makes a face so at a loss. Until I know he is not Satan. And he is not an angel either. He is an ordinary man who is worried about me, that is all.

Thump

I take a deep breath. I squeeze his hand tightly.

“I will quit, Khráp. Phîi Khǎi does not have to pay my tuition fees.”

I have made my decision. But he shakes his head.

“I (chǎn) want to pay for you (thooe).”

“N-N-No. I do not want it (man).” How can I accept his money for free? While pulling to make Phîi Khǎi stand up, until he moves to sit on the chair next to me.

“What if I (chǎn) say it (man) is for courting?” And then my face heats up on its own. I want to emphasize that if he is going to court by giving things, I will only accept small items. But he still does not give in.

“Then severance pay.”

“Thǎem has not even graduated yet. How can I get severance?” If just quitting a part-time job gets you tuition fees for another two-plus years, probably no one would work part-time anymore.

But Phîi Khǎi still does not give up easily, because he still has a thoughtful expression, even though I pull his bowl over to scoop noodles with toppings and the broth that is starting to get thick into the bowl for him. Until I push the bowl in front of him, he speaks up again.

“Then compensation for the damage when I (chǎn) rubbed your (thooe) thing?”

“Guh-guh-guh-guh-guh!”

I am red from my face down to my neck. I widen my eyes, looking at the large-built person who says it (man) with a completely straight face. It is a good thing the tom yum flavored broth is only a little spicy, otherwise I would have choked to death. I look at the person who nods, confirming his reasoning further.

“You (thooe) are the victim. So it (man) is compensation money.”

“Thǎem, guh... is not selling my body, Ná.”

“But I (chǎn) want to buy.” If this were before, I would be furious and raging. But when I meet Phîi Khǎi’s serious gaze, I can only look at the person who adds a little more at the end.

“I (chǎn) want to buy your (thooe) entire body and heart as well.”

Why am I (kuu) this shy, Rǒoe?

“If you (thooe) are ready to sell anytime, tell me (chǎn).” How can I say that right now it (man) is not selling anymore? I feel like more than half of my body and heart will be given to Phîi Khǎi for free. Until I can only bow my head and look at the bowl of thick instant noodles. I know that since meeting Phîi Khǎi, I seem to have broken several of my own rules because...

“Just the tuition fees, Khráp.”

I tell you (Phîi), even though I am stingy, I will not accept things from anyone for free, because I do not want to be looked down on. But with him, I feel that Phîi Khǎi will never look down on or pity me like my father’s legal Miia used to do.

If I am really in a tight spot, I can ask him for help, I guess.

Right now, I think that if the money I have saved is not enough to pay the tuition fees each time, I can borrow from Phîi Khǎi later. But I accidentally forget that Âi'Khǎi is the person who easily transfers one million baht into my account. So when I agree, after finishing my second year, Phîi Khǎi is ready to transfer four years’ worth of tuition fees to me without caring at all whether I will...

So I only find out later that while eating instant noodles, the person beside me is not pressing his phone to play games, check work, or read messages. It (man) is transferring money into my account quickly and swiftly instead.

“You (thooe) should rest, Ná.”

After finishing dinner, Phîi Khǎi volunteers to wash the dishes. But I stop him. I manage to place everything in the sink because I plan to wash them tomorrow morning. Then I have to feel strange, because Phîi Khǎi walks to see me off to the bedroom. And it (man) is not just the bedroom door; he comes in to check until he is sure I have tucked myself into the blanket.

“Sweet dreams.” He extends a hand to stroke my head, and then makes as if to leave.

“Phîi Khǎi.” It (man) is me again who is the one calling him, until he turns back to look at me even though I do not know why I call him to stay.

I just... just want to be with him a little more, I guess.

“What is it (man)?”

“Uh, Phîi Khǎi.... are you (Phîi) going back to work, Khráp?”

“No.” When he shakes his head, I bite my lip. I bow my head until my chin touches my chest.

It (man) is not good, is it (man), that after just doing that once, I instead want him to stay by my side a little more? But I do not have any reason to detain him. And I am not as brazen as my Rahad junior to tell him directly either. So I am the one who gives up, intending to tell him sweet dreams.

“Are you (thooe) afraid?”

“Khráp?” Once again, I repeat the word questioningly. But it (man) seems he thinks I am afraid, because he sits down beside the bed, and then reaches out to touch my cheek.

“Do not be afraid. It (man) cannot do anything to you (thooe) anymore.”

Phîi Khǎi must be thinking of Âi'Guy. But I forget about it (man) already. I admit that at that time I was afraid. But after getting out of it (man), I feel much better. Plus, thoughts of Phîi Khǎi fill my head, so there is no time to think about other things. I should tell Phîi Khǎi to put his mind at ease, but instead I keep my mouth shut and let him stroke my cheek gently.

“I (chǎn) will not let it (man) do anything to you (thooe).” When he tells me that, I accidentally...

“Can Phîi Khǎi sleep here?” As soon as I know what I say, I almost cover my own mouth. I widen my eyes, my face getting hotter and hotter, until I quickly make excuses in a trembling voice.

“Thǎem, I mean, I'm afraid.”

I am starting to be more afraid of myself for saying this out loud.

Instead of an answer, Phîi Khǎi stands up, so I feel disappointed. I feel that since opening my heart to let Phîi Khǎi in, I am becoming more and more easy, and this time I even have the nerve to ask him to sleep together in the room. It (man) is no wonder he is fed up with me.

What should I do? Just thinking that he will despise me, my heart feels hollow suddenly.

“I (chǎn) will turn off the light, Ná.”

“....Khráp.” I can only mumble in response, watching the image darken, along with eyes that become moist. Then I close my eyes, suppressing the shame.

Click

However, I also almost die of shock when the person who should step out of the room instead slips onto the bed on the other side, so I stiffen. I can perceive the bed sinking and moving.

“Sleep, Thòe. Tonight I (chǎn) will stay as company.”

Why is it (man), Ná? Even though I am not touching Phîi Khǎi’s body at all, I still feel the warmth from him spreading to the spot where I am lying. My face, red with shame, seems to heat up because of the embarrassment. Which, of course, after many things happen, I am not brave enough to snuggle close to Phîi Khǎi. I can only lie stiffly on my own side, along with a heart that is pounding.

Someone indulges me again.

“Good night, Khráp, Phîi Khǎi.”

I whisper to him, and then hug myself tightly, burying my face in the pillow awkwardly. I hear him acknowledge in his throat, until I quickly close my eyes.

Everything falls into silence until I can almost hear the other person’s breathing.

Time still passes every minute. I also manage to calm my excitement down a bit. But I cannot sleep. Even though I think the fatigue will make me sleep like a log, right now I feel more wide-eyed than drinking ten cups of coffee. Before I remember that besides my Mâe, I have never slept in the same bed with anyone before.

If not counting joining the Ror Dor camp where we sleep in the same tent by the battalion, even Âi'Ker has never slept in the same bed with me. But now Phîi Khǎi is sleeping just a short distance away, so I cannot sleep even more. I am restless all over, wavering between excitement and nervousness.

Even though I cannot sleep, I do not have the thought to ask him to go back to his room. So I can only curl up into a ball, and cannot help but think that today is very cold.

It (man) is not just ordinarily cold. It (man) is very cold.

I set the air conditioner temperature at twenty-five degrees all the time, but today it (man) seems the air is lower than that, until I remember.... Did Phîi Khǎi adjust it (man), Mǎi?

It (man) is not because when I complain about being hot, it (man) makes Phîi Khǎi go change the temperature of the air conditioner for the whole room, is it (man)?

This time, I really curl up into a ball, because even though the comforter is thick, the gap between me and Phîi Khǎi, who is sleeping apart, allows the outside air to come inside, so I cannot help but shiver. But I also dare not get up to adjust it (man). I can only force myself to stay asleep like that, until I do not know how much time has passed.

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” I hear Phîi Khǎi call, but I dare not move. I do not want to let him know how excited I am.

Sink

I almost cannot suppress a startle when I feel the mattress moving behind me, along with warmth that hits my body.

Phîi Khǎi is this close!

Phîi Khǎi must definitely think I am already asleep, because I feel as if he leans in to look. But his stillness makes me think he will probably go back to sleep in his original place. But it (man) is not...

“Do not wake up yet, Ná.” He whispers to me softly.

Thump

Suddenly, the cold instantly changes to warmth when he slides his hand to rest on my waist, and then pushes his body in until his chest presses against my back, transmitting heat that makes my body warm to a frightening degree. I lie even stiller than before, not daring to even move.

“I (chǎn) am sorry for taking advantage. But I (chǎn) do not want to let you (thooe) go.” Phîi Khǎi hugs me tighter, burying his face against my head, so my heart trembles even more.

What kind of person who takes advantage apologizes?

I hear his heart beating very hard. It (man) echoes against my back, so I am also afraid he will hear my heart just the same. But Phîi Khǎi must definitely think I am sound asleep. Otherwise, he would not come in to hug me like this. After that, he says another word that makes my heart as warm as my body.

“Do not make me (chǎn) worry again, Ná.”

I used to think he was the tight-lipped type. But he repeats it (man) over and over, emphasizing many times to let me know how much he is worried. I just have to change my perspective toward this man. Everything I have experienced from the beginning is completely turned upside down.

Before this, I couldn't sleep. But strangely, once Phîi Khǎi hugs me, transmitting warmth to me, I instead feel drowsier little by little. And before I know it, I place my hand over his hand that is hugging me again. And then I enter a slumber where sweet dreams await.

Phîi Khǎi is warm... very good. Thǎem is the only one who knows how warm Phîi is.

That is the last thing I tell myself before falling asleep.