MA Chapter 21: Placing Trust...Placing My Body

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Perspective Khǎi

Splash...splash...splash...

I (chǎn) sit listening to the sound of the stream of water flowing and hitting the bathroom floor with a calm and still demeanor, but inside my (chǎn) heart boils as if I (chǎn) am sitting in the middle of a volcano ready to erupt. In my (chǎn) head there is only the image of that youth whom I (chǎn) want to protect, want to take care of, want to cherish and keep safe, standing and crying because of one Âi'despicable-person.

I (chǎn) understand this curse-word today, the day I (chǎn) want to kill it (man) dead by my (chǎn) own hands!

The second I (chǎn) see that image, everything in my (chǎn) head goes completely white. It (man) is like a balloon that is filled with gas until it (man) bursts. My (chǎn) body moves faster than my (chǎn) brain. I (chǎn) punch it (man). I (chǎn) kick it (man). Even though in this life I (chǎn) am not a person who likes to use violence, I (chǎn) have never picked a fight with anyone. But this is the first time I (chǎn) lay hands on hurting someone.

I (chǎn) am very angry. How does it (man) dare, how does it (man) dare to make my (chǎn) angel shed tears?

How does it (man) dare to touch the person who is infinitely precious to me (chǎn). I (chǎn) should have kicked it (man) harder than that. I (chǎn) should have punched it (man) harder than that. I (chǎn) should have made it (man) realize that it (man) must not reach out to touch Chôoe-Tǎem like that again. But I (chǎn) regain my (chǎn) senses and drop everything the moment that youth calls me (chǎn).

I (chǎn) know well that I (chǎn) have no right to touch him if he does not permit it, but I (chǎn) cannot bear to see him cry. I (chǎn) cannot bear to see clear teardrops flowing from eyes brimming with fear, until I (chǎn) pull him into an embrace, make every decision for him, and want to take him out of that place as fast as possible.

When I (chǎn) leave the house, my (chǎn) heart is full of nervousness and worry. In my (chǎn) head is full of many words I (chǎn) think of and rehearse all night. The more Chôoe-Tǎem accepts the invitation to go eat together, the more I (chǎn) spend several more hours memorizing what I (chǎn) think will make Chôoe-Tǎem look at me (chǎn) better, make him happy, make him smile at me (chǎn) even a little would be good. But those words scatter in all directions along with the anger that overflows in my (chǎn) chest.

Why do I (chǎn) not have even words to comfort him?

If I (chǎn) am Pông, my (chǎn) close friend, that guy would surely have many words to make Chôoe-Tǎem feel better. But I (chǎn) cannot think of anything. I (chǎn) do not know how to comfort. I (chǎn) can only drive the car to bring him back to the room as fast as possible, and bring him to the bathroom door when Chôoe-Tǎem says he wants to wash his body with eyes brimming with water.

He must be thinking of the time that Âi'despicable-person rubs itself (man) against him.

I (chǎn) want to help him, but I (chǎn) cannot help him, because the events of today also make me (chǎn) accidentally think of my (chǎn) own actions. And that makes me (chǎn) question what right I (chǎn) have to vent my (chǎn) anger on Âi'Shit-lizard, when I (chǎn) myself am also an Âi'despicable-person just like it (man).

I (chǎn) have made Chôoe-Tǎem cry and faint.

At that time, I (chǎn) confess that I (chǎn) do not have the slightest intention of violating him. But because he seems not to understand those sex toys, I (chǎn) explain them to him. And it (man) has been a long time, a long time since I (chǎn) cannot control the desire I (chǎn) have for this youth.

How can I (chǎn) blame anyone, when I (chǎn) myself have also pressed that part to touch Chôoe-Tǎem's body as well?

At this moment, I (chǎn) am sitting and reflecting on my (chǎn) own actions, that I (chǎn) have also made him have a tormented expression like that, until I (chǎn) want to go back in time and punch my (chǎn) past self several times. If I (chǎn) knew he was this innocent, I (chǎn) would not do that.

However, it (man) still cannot be turned back. And it (man) is undeniable that I (chǎn) myself have also acted despicably toward Chôoe-Tǎem.

I (chǎn) raise both hands to cover my (chǎn) face, rubbing it (man) hard. My (chǎn) mind is dazed, not knowing what I (chǎn) should do.

Creeeak

Snap

“Chôoe-Tǎem.”

Before I (chǎn) can ponder until I (chǎn) get an answer, I (chǎn) have to turn to look at the bathroom door, to look at the person who has changed into a new set of clothes, now wearing shorts and a loose t-shirt. Both hands hold a small towel he is using to dry his hair, head bowed down until I (chǎn) feel distressed, and then I (chǎn) remember.

I (chǎn) myself should not be in this room, Ná.

How are you (thooe)... How do you (thooe) feel... Is there anything you (thooe) want me (chǎn) to do for you (thooe)?

Right now, in my (chǎn) head, there are many words I (chǎn) want to ask him, want to care for him, want to make him feel most at ease. But I (chǎn) can only turn my (chǎn) face to look at the door panel, which is the place I (chǎn) myself should also shove my (chǎn) head toward quickly.

“You (thooe) should rest, Thòe.” I (chǎn) tell him only this, even though I (chǎn) think I (chǎn) want to pull him into a hug, want to dry his hair for him, want to comfort him that you (thooe) are okay now.

I (chǎn) have learned that I (chǎn) should have distance and space for Chôoe-Tǎem.

Ever since I (chǎn) know that he does not like being touched, or is afraid I (chǎn) might accidentally do something to him, I (chǎn) am careful all along. Even now, if Chôoe-Tǎem allows me (chǎn) to hold his hand or even kiss, I (chǎn) will try to ask him first every time. And this is not the time for me (chǎn) to ask him if I (chǎn) can hug him or not.

“P-Phîi Khǎi.”

“Hmm.” I (chǎn) acknowledge in my (chǎn) throat, still not turning my (chǎn) face to look at him, still intent on walking to the door to suppress the many desires surging up in my (chǎn) heart.

I (chǎn) want to be the person who protects him. But right now, he must be wary of everyone. So I (chǎn) do not see what expression Chôoe-Tǎem is making.

“Do not go.”

Thud

Suddenly, both my (chǎn) legs halt in place when I (chǎn) hear that faint voice, until I (chǎn) think my (chǎn) ears are playing tricks. But that hoarse, trembling voice sounds again.

“Stay with me for a while... Is it not possible?”

I (chǎn) decide to turn my (chǎn) face back to look at him again, and find that Chôoe-Tǎem is raising his reddened eyes to look at my (chǎn) face. And when our eyes meet, he quickly hides his face under the towel again. However, his trembling voice does not take back the words, still insisting on what he says before, until my (chǎn) heart trembles.

“Do not go anywhere, Khráp. Do not go."

“You (thooe) want me (chǎn) to stay?” I (chǎn) walk back to stand in front of him, not knowing since when, asking Chôoe-Tǎem uncertainly. And he answers by pressing his head down firmly.

“Can I (chǎn) stay?”

I (chǎn) almost hold my (chǎn) breath while waiting to hear the answer, while the other party also agrees to lower the hand used to cover his face with the towel. However, he still bows his head so low that I (chǎn) cannot see his gaze, knowing only that it (man) must be looking down at the floor below. Then he reaches out to grasp the hem of my (chǎn) pants uncertainly, before gripping it (man) tightly.

If it were normal times I (chǎn) probably cannot stop the base imagination that wants to gather him into my (chǎn) embrace, because right now, I (chǎn) am almost breathless from his cuteness already.

It (man) attacks my (chǎn) heart violently.

I (chǎn) quickly push every thought in my (chǎn) head away, and then lead him to the end of the bed. I (chǎn) decide to push him to sit down on the soft mattress, but Chôoe-Tǎem refuses to let go of the hem of my (chǎn) pants, until I (chǎn) have to sit down beside him.

“Can I (chǎn) touch your (thooe) body?” I ask.

Thump

Chôoe-Tǎem nods his head in place of an answer again, so I (chǎn) slowly reach out to embrace his shoulders. I (chǎn) can feel a slight tremor, but he does not hold himself back, willingly leaning his body into my (chǎn) arms, even though one hand still covers his face and eyes.

“Do you (thooe) feel better?” I (chǎn) want to punch myself again for asking something like that. How can he feel better after I (chǎn) just embrace his shoulders? But then I (chǎn) have to be surprised, because Chôoe-Tǎem nods his head again, even burying his face down on my (chǎn) shoulder like a little-one who needs a place to rely on.

No, it (man) is more than that. It (man) is as if he is rubbing his face against my (chǎn) shoulder.

“Why does Phîi Khǎi have to ask?” He asks me (chǎn) in a soft voice, and I (chǎn) answer truthfully.

“Because you (thooe) might not want me (chǎn) to be with you (thooe).”

“Eh?” Chôoe-Tǎem raises his head to look at me (chǎn) until he can, and I (chǎn) see that under the towel are trembling, bruised-red eyes looking at me (chǎn) in a panic.

“Thǎem does not think like that.”

“But I (chǎn) have also made you (thooe) so scared you (thooe) faint.”

Thump

Suddenly, Chôoe-Tǎem slides his hand to grip my (chǎn) forearm, ignoring the towel that falls from his shoulder onto the bed. He shakes his head hard, and then he says in a trembling voice as if he wants to cry.

“I used to be afraid. But now I'm not afraid of Phîi Khǎi anymore. Not afraid...” He lowers his voice at the end of the sentence, before his trembling lips, which look like they will part at any moment, speak again.

“If it is Phîi Khǎi. If it is Phîi...” He raises his head to meet my (chǎn) eyes, and then uses his tearful-looking eyes to gaze back at me (chǎn). Then he speaks a sentence that almost makes me (chǎn) stop breathing.

“If it is Phîi Khǎi, I will let you (Phîi) do everything.”

Does he understand what he himself says?!

Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

Sniff

When the incident happens, I am shocked. I am scared. I cry. And I tremble all over. But once I sit in the familiar car which is covered with silence, it (man) makes my heart calm down slowly. And even though Phîi Khǎi does not say anything, I do not feel uncomfortable. On the contrary, I feel more thankful because it (man) gives me time to regain my senses once again.

I ask Phîi Khǎi to let me take a shower because I want to wash away the disgusting feeling of the palm that rubs against the stiffly resisting part, the wrist that rubs and grates against thick, bushy hair, not to mention the breath of that Âi'nuisance customer that blows down the hollow of my neck, including the many touches that stick on my skin. Even though I feel better when Phîi Khǎi hugs me, I still want to wash it (man) away for good.

If I am clean, can I ask Phîi Khǎi to hug me again?

The embarrassing thought makes me scrub my body even harder, but it (man) refuses to go away. On the contrary, I want to shower quickly so I can be clean and go out to find Phîi Khǎi fast. And then I come to see that my face is borderline unacceptable.

The image in the mirror is an extremely weak young man with bright red eyes and a bruised-red nose, until I have to pull a towel to cover my face. I fear that Phîi Khǎi will think I look unacceptable. Even though before this I never care what kind of look Phîi Khǎi looks at me with, but lately, I quite care about the look he gives me, until I can only walk out to him with my head bowed down.

I am gathering courage to ask Phîi Khǎi to stay by my side, but he tells me to rest instead. Then, that second my heart disappears in a flash. I think he does not want to be with the youth who causes trouble, until my mouth moves ahead of my brain to request that he stay as company. It (man) is one of the few times that I think to thank my brain for not thinking as fast as my body.

Phîi Khǎi comes to sit beside me now. He embraces me, which makes the bad feelings fade little by little. But he says something as if I do not want him to be with me. Until I forget already how unacceptable my face looks. I quickly grab his arm, tell him with a voice that trembles until it (man) is palpable.

Phîi Khǎi is misunderstanding.

Yes, I used to be afraid of him. But that fear transformed into other feelings a while ago already. Otherwise, why would I let him hug me? Why would I wait for him to kiss me again? Not to mention this time I want him to be close to me, feel relieved that he comes to help me. And above all else... when I think that if it is him, I will allow it.

I do not know if this is being easy, but I am trying to tell him with all the strength I have.

“I know well how I acted with Phîi Khǎi before. But that was because I did not understand you (Phîi). I did not know what you (Phîi) thought. And then I only judged you (Phîi) with wrong prejudices. But now I knows that Phîi Khǎi is not a rich-psycho-gay who uses money to hit Thǎem's head to make me get on the bed with you (Phîi). What is important is that when that Âi'guy rubbed itself (man) against me, I was disgusted almost to death. I was so scared that I cried. I was so repulsed that I I wanted to vomit. But I do not feel that way with Phîi Khǎi. I'm not afraid of you (Phîi). I'm not repulsed or disgusted. Otherwise, why would I ask to grab your (Phîi) thing?!”

I breathe heavily when many words gush out from my mouth.

Thump

After that, I slide my hand to grip and knead Phîi Khǎi's shirt, burying my face down against his strong shoulder.

“Phîi Khǎi is not like that Âi'guy. Not like him at all.”

If I am afraid of Phîi Khǎi, I would not press my body close to him like this. And then I blurt out words that make me feel embarrassed afterwards.

“I.... I want Phîi Khǎi to erase the marks of that Âi'guy from my body too.” I raise my watery eyes to look at him, trying to stammer and tell as much as my senses allow. “Is it possible, Khráp? Can Phîi Khǎi help me?”

Now Phîi Khǎi looks into my eyes silently. Even though I cannot read his gaze, I think he does not pity me. Because he is extending both hands to smooth my cheeks, wiping my tears for me very gently. Then he asks with his usual quiet, steady voice.

“Do you (thooe) know what you (thooe) say?” I nod my head. Then I ask with a trembling voice.

“Do I... not look embarrassed, Khráp?”

I used to curse him, resist him, be stubborn with him. But now I am begging him to help me. On top of that, it (man) is also a matter that I used to be scared out of my mind about. Until I bow my head down. I do not think at all that just Phîi Khǎi might look at me unfavorably, and it (man) makes the lump of flesh in my chest drop in a flash down to my ankles.

I must not look attractive in his eyes anymore?

Thump

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” Suddenly, the hand that touches my cheek grips my cheek firmly, pulling to make me raise my head to meet his eyes again, until I see sharp, glaring eyes that look so serious they are scary.

“I (chǎn) never think like that. I (chǎn) am just concerned.”

“Concerned?” I tilt my neck without understanding. And then he seems like he will say something but closes his mouth again instead. He closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them.

“Is there anything I (chǎn) can help with?” My heart twitches. My hand trembles. Because I do not know either what I should do, until I can only lower my gaze down, biting my own lip.

“I.... can you (Phîi) hug me, Khráp?"

Thump

“Whoa! Phîi Khǎi.”

I ask uncertainly, but Phîi Khǎi slides both hands to tuck them under my armpits instead. Then he pulls to make me get up to sit straddling over him as he sits on the bed. Even though he acts as if I am a stuffed doll, why does my heart tremble and flutter completely? I can only grip the hem of his t-shirt tightly, letting him pull me to sit on his lap. After that, Phîi Khǎi slides from under my armpits to an embrace around my back, which looks so natural until I do not know what to do even more.

I used to curse him as just a robot without feelings. But just him hugging me, I remember that the man in front is almost thirty years old. His experience with matters like this must be plenty, to the extent that just the act of hugging makes me tremble completely.

“And what else?” He asks, until I bow my head down even more.

“Uh... kiss... kiss my cheek.”

My heart thinks kiss, but my mouth says kiss my cheek. And that makes his prominent nose tip come to nuzzle against the side of my cheek immediately. Another time that Phîi Khǎi does not press his nose tip down heavily, but he noses from the side of my cheek to my earlobe, then trails back until almost reaching the corner of my mouth, before veering off to press a kiss on my cheek.

Just that makes me unable to think of almost anything.

The matter of being molested flies away since he picks me up to sit on his lap already.

“What else?”

I do not know. At this time, I really do not know what I should ask him for, until I close my eyes tightly. Because just his warmth embracing around my body, I am burning hot all over already.

“Will you (thooe) grab it (man)?"

“Khráp?!” I open my eyes in confusion, unable to think what grabbing means. Until I bend down to look at his hand that is pointing toward his crotch. That is what makes my eyes widen. But it seems my face with a question mark makes him interpret it (man) another way, because Phîi Khǎi slides that hand to unzip his pants.

“You (thooe) will not be afraid of me (chǎn), Ná?”

He asks me again, and then my dazed brain interprets that Phîi Khǎi probably thinks I am disgusted with that thing of that Âi'Shit-lizard customer. And I tell him myself that I am not afraid of him. The erasing of marks means grabbing Phîi Khǎi's thing instead. Which I can say is not it (man), but it (man) is as if something blocks my mouth. My heart beats even harder like drumming, and then I nod my head slowly.

If I grab Phîi Khǎi's thing, I can forget the events that happen today for sure.

And then I get to see Phîi Khǎi's cannon again with a heart beating hard. This time it (man) is not just not being afraid. I even have a heart beating with thrilling excitement!

Tap

Before I know it, the tip of my finger slides to stroke the soft part very gently first, before increasing from the index finger to the index and middle finger. I stroke up and then down slowly, with curiosity. Another time that I can feel the burning heat, and then I conclude that I am not afraid of Phîi Khǎi's thing for real too.

Now I am like a youth who sees a strange toy, stroking up and down many times. Which Phîi Khǎi does not forbid. He just slides his hand to embrace my waist, stroking my back as if comforting. But that is making me close my legs together more and more.

I want to grab it (man) so much, Chang.

I touch the tip part of him and then glance to look at Phîi Khǎi's face.

Thud

Suddenly, I startle in a flash. My face burns hot until it (man) must be flushed red all over my cheeks for sure. Because Phîi Khǎi does not make a still face anymore. Now his expression looks tormented. He clenches his teeth tight until a ridge is visible. His eyes narrow, as if restraining surging desire. Even though he still strokes my back as if comforting, he himself looks like he cannot endure.

All of that makes me... clamp my legs together.

What should I do? I am hard now.

“Chôoe-Tǎem?"

The fact that I stop my hand stubbornly by pulling both hands to cover my crotch while still clamping my legs on Phîi Khǎi's lap must surprise him, because he looks into my eyes, calling as if asking. But I can only bow my head down low, look at that thing that is stiffly resisting because of my touch until I can only bite my lip tight. My breath starts to burn hot. I feel as if someone brings fire to press against my stomach.

“What is wrong?” Phîi Khǎi stops the hand that strokes my back, bowing his head down intending to look into my eyes until I bow my head to avoid even more.

“Are you (thooe) afraid? Then it (man) is enough, Thòe.”

Thump

As soon as he makes a move to tuck under my armpits and pull to make me stand, I shake my head hard, grab his shirt, and then..... raise my head to look at him until I can.

“What should I do, Phîi Khǎi... I feel.” I must make a crying face at him for sure, while deciding to pull my hand out from my crotch to let him see how I feel, before biting my lip.

Why do I want it this much, Rǒoe? I want it (man) so much, Chang.

I whisper, and then bow my head down in embarrassment, afraid he will look at me unfavorably. But Phîi Khǎi is faster. He grabs my chin to push and make me raise my head to meet his eyes.

“You (thooe) feel for me (chǎn)?”

I nod my head. I really want to punch him once, but the evidence is right in front of his eyes until I can only bite my lip.

“Can I (chǎn) look?”

Âi'Psycho! What kind of question is that?!

I curse him, but instead nod my head with tears welling up. I look at the other party's hand that slides from the tip of my chin to my crotch. And then, bloody hell, why does he pull my shorts down to my hips that fast? Until the mini-sized son reveals itself (man) when it (man) can. I am so embarrassed I have to raise both hands to cover my face, not daring to look at what he will do.

“Can I (chǎn) touch?”

Âi'Psycho! Why do you (mueng) see this size and still ask?!

I nod my head. I want to complain, Rǒoe, but I cannot say anything. I can only do one thing...

Gasp!

The acknowledgement makes me startle to the extreme, even more covering my face tightly, when Phîi Khǎi does not just stroke with his fingertips like me. He is cupping and holding it (man) with one hand, until I shudder and tremble. I feel as if an electric current runs through my whole body, and then stimulates into the lower part until it (man) becomes stiffly hard.

What should I do?!

I ask myself in a panic, but Phîi Khǎi does not seem startled along with me. Because he is stroking it (man) up and down slowly. It (man) is not violent at all, Rǒoe. On the contrary, it (man) is as if he cherishes my thing more.

Thump

“Ch-Chỉ! Phîi Khǎi!” I lunge to hug his shoulder tightly, burying my face down against the hand that holds my shoulder again, when I feel a tingling sensation from head to toe. The kind that masturbation does not compare to at all.

Phîi Khǎi slowly pulls back my foreskin, until I see clearly that the bruised-red tip is popping in and out. And I am so embarrassed tears well up. I close my eyes again, in order to feel the tingling sensation that is stimulating non-stop, until I cannot help but think how what he does is different from when I do it (man) myself. Why does my body jerk non-stop? And the worst part is, I am moving my hips toward his hand in an embarrassing way.

The truth is I am so embarrassed I cry out already.

“If you (thooe) do not like it (man), then tell me (chǎn), Ná.”

Snap snap

I shake my head on his shoulder, because it (man) is definitely not dislike. And instead of telling him to stop, I ask with a blurred voice.

“Phîi Khǎi... more.... and what about Phîi Khǎi?”

“It (man) is not a problem.”

“No, it (man) is not possible. Uh, it (man) is not fair, Ná. Thǎem alone... it (man) is not possible...." He makes a face enduring for that long. How can I feel good alone? And my words make Phîi Khǎi stop his hand for a beat, until he almost pulls away to look into my eyes. If it (man) is not because...

Thump

“Like this then.”

He gathers two meat sticks with one hand!

Now my mini cocktail sausage is rubbing against a plump thick frankfurter, until I accidentally hold my breath. When the burning heat that presses close makes me tingle all over my body.

If Phîi Khǎi stroking me is better than masturbation, then rubbing it (man) against his thing is even better. My body goes soft and limp. I can only cling to Phîi Khǎi's shoulder tightly, letting him lead. But Phîi Khǎi seems not to think that way, because he grabs my hand to force me to grip our things until there is almost no part that is not touching and rubbing together.

“Unh... Hng.... Phîi Khǎi... Ah.”

I moan with a hoarse, blurred voice, both embarrassed and wanting mixed together. But Phîi Khǎi is not satisfied with just that. He slides his hand to grip my buttock tightly, and then whispers to tell me.

“Slowly move your (thooe) hips.” Shouldn't I follow what he tells me, Mǎi? But I am moving my hips toward his hand, until the front parts rub against each other. And it (man) is like an electric current that runs zap, until my chest trembles up and down violently. Both legs that straddle his lap dig into the mattress tightly.

“Like that.”

I am very embarrassed already. The more I hear the sound of the shafts rubbing together, the more embarrassed I am. But why does the desire overwhelm me? Why can I not stop my hips that move toward him? Why do I bring both hands to cup my thing and his thing to make them rub? And then why do I not mind that Phîi Khǎi is controlling the rhythm by holding my hips and helping to move them?

Why is it (man) this tingling?

“P-Phîi Khǎi.... I have no strength.... I cannot...”

I seem like I will finish, but it (man) also does not finish. I know I should move harder than this, but just using my legs to dig into the bed, I am almost out of strength already. Until I raise my tear-stained face to tell him. Which Phîi Khǎi moves in to press a kiss on my temple quickly, before he gathers my body.

“Hug me (chǎn).” I hug his neck immediately when he tells me.

Whoosh

After that, Phîi Khǎi scoops my body up. He puts his knee up on the bed, then slowly turns my body to lie flat down in the middle of the bed slowly. It (man) is not the flipping, grabbing, pressing down like I see drama heroes do with heroines. Because Phîi Khǎi is more gentle than that. He turns my body as if afraid I will get hurt. Until he makes me lie flat on the bed, then I raise my head to look at his sweat-drenched face.

Why can Phîi Khǎi care for me this much?

“Ah! S-Sự! P-Phîi Khǎi.... Unh...”

Just moving, I have no time to ask more questions than that. Because once Phîi Khǎi is the party on top, he now uses one hand to prop near my head as if afraid he will drop his body weight down to press. There is only the lower body that is pressed close together. And then he is moving his hips until our things are squeezed together between the plane of my stomach and Phîi Khǎi. When he moves, I feel as if every part is touched, until I can only moan with a trembling voice, squeezing my legs together until they press against the other party's body.

“Hng.. unh...”

I feel so good tears flow. I can only hug Phîi Khǎi's neck tightly, when I feel that he slides his other hand to tuck into the nape of my neck. Then he threads his hand through my hair to touch and stroke my head back and forth gently. This is different from the lower part that moves rapidly until I can barely catch my breath.

It (man) tingles so much... tingles... why is it (man) this tingling?

I moan and groan in my heart, look at Phîi Khǎi who is pressing his forehead close against me. And then he asks with a low, hoarse voice.

“Can I (chǎn) kiss?”

“Unh!”

This time there are no curse words for him. There is only a heavy acknowledgement mixed with pleading, begging. Which Phîi Khǎi leans down to join and kiss my lips immediately. He licks my lips again, bites and sucks my lips heavily as if he will eat them, teases both above and below before thrusting the tip of his tongue in to caress and lick all over the hollow of my mouth.

Phîi Khǎi still strokes the nape of my neck along with it (man), which makes me open my mouth even more, send my tongue to find him bravely yet fearfully. Which he is gentle to the utmost. There is no part of his kiss that makes me afraid. On the contrary, there is only sweetness on the tip of the tongue that feeds in without stopping.

“Unh... ngk... S-Sự.” I hear the sound of my own moans echoing in Phîi Khǎi's mouth. I feel that the more he kisses me, the more I get closer to the destination.

Thump

I do not know that I pull his neck in, hug him tightly, to make him touch my mouth more than this. While my body trembles completely, both legs dig into the bed, rub against the bed struggling, tormented with this blissful pleasure. There is no part at all that makes me feel bad.

My body is even screaming that it (man) wants more than this.

Phîi Khǎi pulls away then, when I confess to him without being able to think of anything.

“It (man) tingles so much... Gasp!... Phîi Khǎi... Thǎem tingles... more, it (man) tingles so much... Looei.”

Fwap fwap fwap

"Ah!!!"

I do not know what I say, but it (man) makes Phîi Khǎi move his body faster. The sound of his panting is close to my ear, while I myself hug him tightly, both legs squeeze against Phîi Khǎi's body. When the happiness is close to coming, I tilt my head up to look at the ceiling, get to see the second that everything blurs like a bad TV signal. I cry out moaning almost heartbroken, and then... release every drop of the feeling.

Phîi Khǎi kisses me again.

Smooch... smooch... smooch

He sucks my lips, alternates with pressing heavy kisses, and then sucks again, until I can only close my eyes and pant, letting him continue to kiss feeling good. And also flashing as if someone uses a blade of grass to stroke my lower belly, both ticklish and fluttery. And then when I open my bleary eyes to look at Phîi Khǎi, he also makes me unable to look away.

Eyes that used to be fierce and sharp now look gentle. The stern, rigid face now brims with loving emotion that arises from me. Not to mention the bruised lips that are pressing kisses on my lips over and over. The palm of his hand that slides to stroke my sweaty hair so it (man) does not fall over my face very gently, while the other hand strokes the nape of my neck until I can only pull Phîi Khǎi's neck in. And then I... kiss him at the corner of his lips lightly.

“I... feel so good, Chang.”

You (mueng) are so embarrassing, Thǎem. I want to curse myself, but once Phîi Khǎi gives me a smile, I forget everything.

“Thank you..... for letting me (chǎn) touch you (thooe).”

As soon as he finishes speaking, I snuggle into his embrace immediately, gripping his shirt, curling my body toward him like a little-one, along with a heart that trembles even more. Because it (man) is not Phîi Khǎi who should thank me. It (man) should be me who thanks him instead for helping to brush away all the events that happen today.

If you (mueng) ask me what happens today, I can only remember the burning heat of Phîi Khǎi that presses against my body, the gentleness with which he touches me, and the care that makes me not feel wrong at all that a matter like this happens. Because suddenly, I am confident that if I will give my heart and body to anyone..... that person is Phîi Khǎi.

This time I probably have to admit without embarrassment that I feel the best since I am born.

Geez! And from now on, will Thǎem dare to look at Phîi Khǎi's face, Nîi?!