MA Chapter 19: Let Me Hold It, Let Me Touch

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

The moment I tell Phîi Khǎi, I want to run to my room and scream Wáak loudly.

I want to hit my own head with a pillow over those careless words that seemed to bypass any analytical thought process. But I don't run. My two hands are still gripping Phîi Khǎi's forearm. I look up at the other party's widened eyes and then... glance downward.

I admit fully that I was afraid when he rubbed that thing against my butt. Even now, I'm still quite secretly afraid. But just because Phîi Khǎi admitted he feels this way because he likes me, I remain sitting still in the same place, my lips pressed together, my face burning hot.

It's a feeling of curiosity.

I know immediately it's the same feeling as when I secretly read that kind of story in Phîi Khǎi's notebook.

The difference is I am more excited. My heart beats terrifyingly loud. My face burns hot. My hair stands on end. And there's a flickering sensation in my abdomen. It's more than when I present work. More than during my university entrance interview. More than when I talked to the senior at the station about being a DJ. It surpasses all other excitements combined.

It's bizarre, Ná. But I... want to see.

I don't know why I want to see it so much that sweat soaks my entire back. But I want to know how much Phîi Khǎi reacts to me. How much he likes me. And if it's really because of me that a part of his body responds.

I'm afraid. But I still want to know if he really wants me, right?

"Thǎem helps... Ná." I realize my voice is so soft it's almost inaudible. While squeezing Phîi Khǎi's arm tighter, I lower my head and bite my lip. But my eyes keep staring at the obvious bulge in his pants. I know it's the same part I have. But I still want to see what's hidden inside there.

It's worlds apart from when he took his pants off for me to see.

That time, I saw it by accident, and it was just a glimpse. But this time...

I intend to look.

"Do you know what you're saying?"

I lift my eyes to look at the room's owner. I find his previously widened eyes are now frighteningly still. His face is sternly serious to the point I secretly feel disheartened. But I still nod slowly.

"Thǎem knows."

"You (thooe) will be afraid of me (chǎn)." Before this, I thought if I offered him money, this maternal relative would accept without a second thought. But all that stemmed from my prejudice against him. This time, when it actually happens, and Phîi Khǎi acts like he'll get up to leave, I inadvertently jerk his arm back and speak with a trembling voice.

"What if I... what if I'm not afraid?"

"It's impossible." Phîi Khǎi asserts. The attitude I had toward him before probably affected Phîi Khǎi, more or less.

Come to think of it, it's not strange. I've been afraid of him to the point of fainting stiff, run away with my tail between my legs, called him psychotic, avoided his face as much as possible, and even trembled like a baby bird fallen from its nest. This time, how could he believe me just saying I'm not afraid? Until I loosen the hand holding his forearm.

"You (thooe) will be afraid. You (thooe) know it." Phîi Khǎi picks up the notebook, making a move to get up from the sofa. But...

Snap

I, who should have let go of his arm, grab it again. I bow my head, tears welling up.

"I admits that I ws afraid of Phîi Khǎi. But that's because I judged Phîi with prejudice. I cannot promise that I won't be afraid of Phîi. But after this, after this... I will try not to be afraid of Phîi, Ná, Phîi Khǎi." I tell Phîi Khǎi in a shaking voice, both feeling guilty and feeling terrible. I want to turn back time and knock my past self on the head hard, then tell him not to judge someone I just met by old gossip.

It's true he tried to offer me money. But I learned from Mâe that he is fond of me. He is the person who helped our family when we had problems. He is not as evil as those old tycoons hoping to claim a youth.

I look up to meet his eyes again.

"I know... know now that Phîi Khǎi is not scary."

Phîi Khǎi looks at my eyes quietly. His eyes may be calm and emotionless, but I feel the gaze directed at me has softened considerably. He places the notebook back on the coffee table and sits down again. Then, he utters words that make me even angrier at myself.

"Thank you."

He is happy, just because I said I wouldn't be afraid of him. And that makes me determined, wanting to repay him somehow.

Embarrassed, "Is there anything I can do for Phîi Khǎi?" Phîi Khǎi looks surprised, making me hastily add.

"I owe Phîi for letting me borrow the computer... remember?" I don't dare tell Phîi Khǎi that I feel guilty for misjudging him, so I have to bring this up. And that makes the large man pause for a moment, then decide.

"If you see it, don't run away, Ná."

"Ah, yes, yes!" I nod vigorously, even though I secretly stiffen when he moves his hand to the target pants to unbuckle the belt and pull the zipper down, revealing the part bulging tightly against the branded underwear. I swallow with difficulty, as if I stop breathing for a split second.

Phîi Khǎi looks at my demeanor first. But seeing I haven't moved to escape, he pulls that part out through the opening in the underwear. And I see... a large cheese sausage.

The same one I thought if hit, my guts would probably rupture.

This isn't the first time I've seen it. But it's the first time I've seen it clearly, with both eyes. And it's expanding at full force, making my eyes widen even more.

If comparing sizes, mine is just a sausage in a mini bun!

I don't know who to compare it with. Besides bathing with Phôo when I was very young, which I've forgotten how it was, I've never seen the real thing anywhere else. Because no matter how close with friends, no one would show that thing to compare sizes. But I know one thing: even though his size is scary for me, its shape... doesn't scare me.

"Can I touch it?"

Gasp!

What to do? My hand is faster than my brain. Because my mouth just asked, but my fingertip has already touched the tip protruding beyond the foreskin. I can feel the other party's twitch.

Just looking up to meet his eyes, Phîi Khǎi clenches his jaw tightly. But he still tries to ask me calmly in return.

"This is just curiosity, right?"

"I don't know either." I answer in a trembling voice, and it trembles down to my hand. As I feel the scorching heat from the core of another person's body, my index finger slowly strokes, touching the soft yet strong skin very gently. Because Phîi Khǎi is so hard I'm afraid touching him might hurt.

"Does Phîi Khǎi hurt?"

"No." I don't know if Phîi Khǎi is telling the truth, because he closes his eyes, bites his teeth tight, tenses his hips which I can feel. I'm scared too, both scared and trembling, feeling like I want to cry but still don't want to let go of my hand. However, I still don't know what I want to do with it next. Maybe just keep touching it out of curiosity.

My fingertip touches the base, then slowly moves up to the tip. Until touching the soft, lighter-colored part, I gently spread it.

"More!"

My hand freezes when Phîi Khǎi growls in his throat. I inadvertently glance at him and find Phîi Khǎi's sweat starting to soak his entire face. So I use my finger to lightly stroke that part and then inadvertently brush the tip of the pin-hole...

Snap

"Enough! Chôoe-Tǎem, enough!" Suddenly, the person who agreed to sit still grabs my hand. Moreover, Phîi Khǎi has opened his eyes now, until I see his intensely dark eyes that make his stern, fierce face look many times scarier. And the fact that he furrows his brows, looking pained, already makes me feel awful.

"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry, I... "

"No." Phîi Khǎi growls again. And I startle when he swiftly lunges forward.

He kisses me very heavily, pressing against my lips and sucking on them hard until I almost float. Then Phîi Khǎi quickly releases my hand, almost simultaneously as he jumps up to stand straight.

"Any more than this, and I will definitely pin you down." The speaker bends down to kiss my lips heavily again. Then he turns without looking back, heads straight to the small bedroom he moved into, and slams the door shut, leaving me sitting there exhausted, my face hot.

Only after Phîi Khǎi has been in the room for a while does my brain start working again.

"Bloody hell, Âi'Thǎem!"

What have I done! What have I done, Dammit!!!

I want to curse at myself. I may not be very experienced, but I am a man. Being treated like that, it's a wonder I wasn't pinned down. If it weren't Phîi Khǎi, would I still have the chance to sit here feeling remorse like this? Until I can only raise both hands to cover my face and mouth, sobbing without tears.

"Sorry, Phîi Khǎi. I'm sorry." I mumble, then startle again.

Because I just realized I brought the finger that touched Phîi Khǎi's thing to hold my cheek. I can only glance at it. My hand is still trembling. The fingertip is burning hot as if touching fire. But I'm currently putting that fingertip... into my mouth.

No, it has no taste. But I learn one thing.

Now, I am no longer afraid of Phîi Khǎi's extra-large cheese sausage. On the contrary, it's the feeling of "wanting to taste" that makes me almost want to burrow into the ground with shame.

***

"Kraprow rice, uh, it's quite delicious, Khráp."

"Hmm. My friend gave it to me."

After the incident with poking the sausage with my finger, I did want to flee to my room and lock the door. But I don't want Phîi Khǎi to misunderstand that I am angry or displeased. So I try to put on a brave face, enduring sitting to eat dinner with him even though my cheeks are burning hot, the kind where if you fry an egg on them, it would probably cook.

Right now, I don't know what the kraprow rice tastes like, because I keep glancing at Phîi Khǎi's face.

As for Phîi Khǎi... he is scarily quiet.

Before, I would have cursed him for being thick-skinned. But I can somewhat observe that amidst his calm, still face, Phîi Khǎi himself turns to look at me many times. But when our eyes meet by chance, Phîi Khǎi is the one who averts his gaze, bowing to continue eating. Until I secretly feel relieved that I'm not the only one feeling awkward.

"He stopped by earlier to give it to me."

"Khráp."

What to talk about, Âi'Thǎem!? What to talk about!?

I try to think and think. I want to ask how Phîi Khǎi is doing, but why does nothing pop into my head? Wait, and "how are you doing" can only be interpreted one way, right?... How was it after you went to masturbate?... Let-me-die, I don't dare ask!

"Phîi's friend is skilled, huh."

"Hmm."

Short, truncated conversations happen at the dining table, until I am at a loss for what to talk about. So I just bow my head and eat with hot cheeks. Until...

"Don't move to live elsewhere, Ná."

"Huh?" I immediately look up at him, my spirit sinking just from thinking he wants me to move. But I feel a bit more at ease when Phîi Khǎi also looks up to meet my eyes, extends a hand in front, but the motion that seems like a flinch makes me extend my hand out. And Phîi Khǎi quickly grabs my hand, squeezing it until I feel the warmth of his palm.

"I can't forbid myself from having feelings for you (thooe). But I promise I won't do anything to you (thooe)." Phîi Khǎi speaks a long sentence for him with a serious demeanor. And that makes me press my lips together.

"I'm not angry at Phîi Khǎi, Ná."

"But I... "

"I really isn't angry. And all of that... I asked for it myself." I whisper, not wanting to think about when I asked to see it, asked to touch it. But I say it to the end. I squeeze Khǎi's hand tightly and continue...

"I'm not disgusted either... not even a little bit."

Am I too easily softened? Just because he said he likes me, I, who was almost scared to death of him, have become stubbornly soft. And thinking about it, it can also be interpreted that I am consenting to more than kissing... more than that... And if it really happens, will I regret it later?

"Thank you."

But Phîi Khǎi's words unexpectedly chase away my fear and regret. The person I used to be afraid of tightens his grip on my hand even more firmly, looks at me with a serious expression. And I know now that this person's heart is sincere.

It's not just Mâe's words, but something in my heart tells me I can trust him.

"Thank you, Phîi Khǎi, for not pinning me down too, Khráp." I squeeze his hand back, give him a wide smile that isn't a commercial smile, but a smile from a heart that is beginning to open up to the man named Khǒng-khǎit, until Phîi Khǎi himself goes quiet, then releases the hand.

"Don't trust me on this matter."

Phîi Khǎi speaks as if he can't stop himself. But from what happened today, I think instead that Phîi Khǎi can stop himself. It's me who's starting not to trust myself. Putting the finger that stroked it into my mouth, I already did that.

Sizzle

"Chôoe-Tǎem?"

"N-Nothing, Khráp. I wasn't thinking anything. I... I think Thǎem better go wash the dishes." I quickly pull my hand out, put the unfinished food into a plastic seal container, and store it in the fridge. Then I wash both tupperware containers until spotlessly clean, turn them over neatly, and intend to go back to my room. But...

"Chôoe-Tǎem, I have something to tell you."

A strong voice. "Khráp." I respond, confused, looking at the person who shifts uncomfortably.

Then Phîi Khǎi says, "I confess that I have used you to masturbate."

Huh!

I'm stunned, Dammit!

Phîi Khǎi says it with a super serious face, a super firm tone, and eyes that reflect truthfulness, just like the night Phîi Khǎi confessed his love for me. But what is he saying now! He's telling me he used my image masturbate? Do people confess the truth so bluntly like this? And what should I do? Just stay stunned, freeze, open my mouth agape.

"I'm telling you first. I don't want you to be angry."

I affirm that he is still the same man who speaks unpleasantly. It's just me who has become strange, because my face turns bright red, my heart beats wildly, blood pumps throughout my body. Moreover, I don't feel angry. There's only shame coursing through my entire body, and imagination of what I am like in his mind.

"And every time since we met."

Isn't that almost a hundred times!?

I open my mouth dumbfoundedly, looking at the person so serious he confesses something like this. I don't know whether I should be angry or ashamed. And finally, I decide how I should respond to him.

"W-well, just do it then! I'm not bothered at all! Phîi Khǎi is crazy!"

Argh! I should curse Phîi Khǎi for being evil-person, for being depraved, but why did I end up giving permission? Dammit!

Don't ask if I stay to see the outcome, because I dash back to my room, even slam the door loudly, and raise both hands to cover my own face.

"Why did you give him permission, Âi'Thǎem! So easy!"

I curse myself. But why is it that now, if it's Phîi Khǎi... I become so easily willing?

***

What's wrong? Today, Nông Thǎem's face is so red. Did you secretly eat Doi Kham without telling me, Khâ...

... Naughty-naughty. Did Khun Ker do something to Khun Thǎem? His face is bright red...

... By the way, where are Khun Ker's eyes? Show your face so I can stop missing you...

See?"

"Oh, why is everyone talking about Ker? Don't you miss Thǎem at all? I'm sulking, Ná."

After fleeing to my room, I just feel flustered, imagining in what way Phîi Khǎi thinks of me. I even inadvertently recall seeing him help himself. So I open the program, take out the brand new notebook to host a show. But then I get teased by everyone about my red face, and I end up thinking about it again!

Trying to avoid it with all my life.

"But anyway, who is Thǎem addicted to Doi Kham with? Anyway, Thǎem asks to stay addicted for now, Ná. I moved and haven't gone to buy supplies yet."

Aom Lae Dood: Khun Hǔu, he fixed everything for Thǎem already.

I pause at Jêe Aom's message. I don't remember when Phîi Hǔu came to fix things for me.

Meow Meow: Yesssss. That day, the day Jêe Aom spammed diamonds because he wanted to see Thǎem drunk. But while Thǎem was singing, Phîi Hǔu sent fixes for everything. See? So interested in Ker that you didn't see Khun Hǔu. I feel sorry for him, Ná.

Phîi Meow explains, making me remember that day when singing live on camera, I closed my eyes and sang, enraptured. And then that Ker guy played a prank, making a move as if to kiss my cheek. At that time, I thought Phîi Hǔu just left it open. Who would believe he had already paid for me completely?

This time, no need to eat liters of Doi Kham. The fighter... I'll have to secretly go whisper my thanks to Phîi Hǔu a bit.

Spam!

Aom Lae Dood: Heh. One day when you've stocked up on Doi Kham, tell me. I will...

Looks like Jêe Aom really wants to see me dead drunk. I don't know why people like to say that when I'm drunk on fruit juice, my face bright red, it's worth watching.

After that, I chat playfully, play some music in between, and then am surprised by someone giving me VIP.

"Thank you, Khun Big, for giving me VIP. Thank you for being fond of Thǎem, Khráp." I flash a wide smile at the person who gave me VIP, until the username changes color unlike regular listeners. Even though I'm not very familiar with the other party's name, he just uses the single name 'Big'. It's so plain, can't compare to people like Jêe Aom. Plus, if I remember correctly, he has never greeted me in the comments before.

Aom Lae Dood: Oi, oi, oi, oi! Phîi Tô is here too.

Looks like Jêe Aom knows him. So, should I call him Khun Big or Khun Tô?

Aom Lae Dood: Flatter him, Thǎem. This person has deep pockets, a big heart, pays without restraint. Plus, his bulge is prominent.

I burst out laughing loudly. And the owner of the username 'Big' finally replies.

Big: Wait a minute.

Aom Lae Dood: Oi, not 'wait a minute,' Hǐa. That Hǐa, always late. How come you managed to show up?

Big: I was walking past the room and heard some kid screeching that Chôoe-Tǎem had come on, so I knew.

I think these two might be in the same house. Now then, they're either siblings or a married couple.

"Tsk, tsk. Are Phûa and Mia fighting, Khráp?"

Big: I am the older brother of Aom Lae Dood, Khráp. What kind of crazy name? Which part of the brain did you use to think?

Aom Lae Dood*:* Well, it's better than being short and truncated as Hǐa's cat couple!

Looks like the siblings are starting to fight. So I steer the conversation to other topics. I'll say it straight: other people's family matters, Âi'Thǎem doesn't get involved. Therefore, I play another relaxing song. But it seems Jêe Aom's older brother came in with a purpose.

Big: Isn't the junior who plays guitar coming today?

"He's not coming, Khráp. Do you like him? Then, someday when Thǎem calls him to play as guitarist again."

I say cheerfully, even though I think to myself, let-me-die, I absolutely will not invite the junior to this house. No way. I don't want to see Phîi Khǎi playfully chatting with others. So I smile as a front, trying desperately to change the subject. But... it seems I've done a lot of merit-making with that junior.

Little-One Little-Tiny: Phîi Thǎmmmmmmmm! He's here, he's here! Guess who? ^^

Suddenly, a new username with a super familiar name pops up on the screen, making me freeze for a full five seconds. This time, I know who it is without being told!

"Uh... " To the point of being speechless.

Little-One Little-Tiny: Phîi Ker told me Phîi Thǎem was hosting, so I signed up just for Phîi Thǎem. Dedicated, right?

I want to throw you far away.

I want to ignore this new username as much as possible. But when a new person comes in, the old regulars start greeting him. He introduces himself with extreme confidence.

Little-One Little-Tiny: The cutest and most adorable guitarist of Phîi Thǎem, Khráp, Khráp. Hehe.

If I weren't on screen, I'd raise my hand to rub my face. But I can only laugh awkwardly and say in a robot-like manner.

"Looks like Phîi Tô came at the right time, Khráp. He asked about the little-one. The little-one is here. Here he is, Khráp. My guitarist from before."

Little-One Little-Tiny: Whaaat? Whaaaat?

Just from the text size, I can feel the annoying fucker and disgusting nature of my junior fully. Moreover, he types as fast as if he were a keyboard in a past life, making it hard for a speaker like me to keep up.

"Someone asked about the guitarist."

Little-One Little-Tiny: Who, who, who? Who asked for me? You like my skills, right?

See? As soon as I finish speaking, he types rapidly. But maybe it's fortunate that the person who asked has regained his composure.

Big: Yes, Khráp. I like junior Little-One's skills.

Little-One Little-Tiny: Really? Ah! So happy. Someday I'll ask Phîi Thǎem to play again, Khráp, Khráp.

Big: Junior Little-One is very talented.

Little-One Little-Tiny: Praise me more, more! Little-One likes to be praised, Khráp.

Between these two people's messages, there are many other people's messages in between. But my eyes can't help but follow the conversation between these two, because I can't help but worry about my junior. Even though this older brother, Tôh or whatever, is Jêe Aom's older brother, suddenly giving me VIP and asking about Têl, I'm afraid something might be up. Until...

Big: Then, does junior Little-One like for people to like him?

Little-One Little-Tiny: I do! Little-One likes it when others like him. It's awesome.

I know Lít-Têl is just playing around. But this time, it doesn't seem like a joke. Because...

Big: If you like it... then I'll court you.

That's it. The comments explode like a bomb. Because as I've said before, eighty percent of this channel are fujoshi who come to fangirl over me and that Ker guy. So, do you think those who went quiet aren't paying attention, lurking at every sentence? And as soon as this older brother Tô says he'll court, screams come flooding in, making me blink rapidly.

"Wait, wait. Is it really like that, Khráp?"

... Phîi Thǎem, don't interrupt. Phîi Thǎem already has Phîi Ker, a whole person...

That's right, that's right! Oi, destiny is running wild now! The older brother Tô and junior Little-One...

If it were a novel, the title would have to be 'This Love Was Born on Arena,' right?...

I think it's beyond stopping, Ná. Until I can only laugh along, even though I think I'll call the junior later. And I can't help but feel surprised... Is it really this easy for people to court each other?

Little-One Little-Tiny: Court to top or court to bottom, Khráp, Phîi?

My junior keeps playing along. I don't know if it's because he's humoring him or because he finds it funny. And the other person also goes all in, for real.

Big: Can I court to top? And junior Little-One courts to bottom for me.

Âi'Tern! Don't play with him. You just met. And you met in the channel comments too!

I can only think in my heart, quite worried about my junior. As for that guy, I don't know if he's thought it through or if his true heart isn't thinking anything at all, because he answers playfully back...

Little-One Little-Tiny: Whether top or bottom, if you want to court, Phîi Tô has to sing beautifully, Khráp. Because Little-One likes people who can sing.

He's playing along with him!

I can only stand there agape, looking at my junior who lets himself be courted so easily. I don't know if he's playing or serious. But it just makes me ask myself.

If it's this easy for people to court each other, why does my matter with Phîi Khǎi seem so difficult it hardly progresses? Or do I have to be as much of a rhino as Âi'Tern!