MA Chapter 18: Behind the Mind

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~

Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

“Ah... have that thing rub my leg, ungh, seriously.”

Okay, I know, Khráp, that I shouldn’t secretly read what’s on someone else’s computer. But I also know that if there’s porn right in front of them, every middle school youth wants to open it!

Okay, another thing is that I am not a middle school youth. I might be twenty in two months, but I have never read a story like that even once before. Therefore, this is the first time reading a story like this. Even though I first thought it was probably a man and a woman, after reading on and on and finding out it’s a man with a man, my eyes widen. I cannot tear my eyes away from the screen until I read to the last line.

The images come as scenes in my head, bloody fuck!

I don’t know whether what I read is intense or not, but since it’s the first time... everything is always intense.

While reading, I unconsciously squeeze my thighs together like the “angel” in the story, and it’s absolutely wild crazy. When the “young man” in it orders, I unconsciously picture it. And what’s even more wild crazy is... I hear his voice as Elder Phîi Khǎi’s voice!

I know that Elder Phîi Khǎi would never speak at length, acting cunning like the “young man” on the screen. But I probably know too few people, because his image flashes in to replace it. His voice is ordering me to beg. And he is asking me how I feel. Even though it should just be a character, my face flushes hot, my heart pumps furiously, and... it gets hot down below.

It surges up all at once.

I surge from when “the young man” has that thing rub his leg, and crazyly, what kind of man moans like an X-rated explosion like that!

It’s possible! I have watched porn, but Âi'Thǎem never knew that reading a story like that would make it hard.

I don’t know how a man being with a man moans, how husky the voice is. But right in front of me, it is very husky. Both pleading and begging, until I can’t help but think… Where is this an angel? Clearly a young man’s sex addict, until I have to raise both hands to cover my face.

No, I am not embarrassed.

“Sniff, I (kuu) want to read more.” I confess in a faint, wavering voice.

What can I do? I have never been interested in this kind of thing before. I have masturbated, sure, but the feeling was just doing it to finish. Until now, that I suddenly become interested in what a man and a man have to do next. That grabbing and stroking, I know. But that part where the “young man” slides under the shirt hem, what is he grabbing... the asshole or what?

“Tsk, don’t think, Thǎem. No, don’t think, don’t.”

I shake my head violently, trying to chase this thought out of my head. But I want to know almost to death: the “young man” just stroking makes the “angel” tingle this much, so if he does more than this, will he moan out in alien language?

Will it really tingle? Ugh, I said don’t think, Âi'Thǎem!!!

I bang my head on the sofa several times. I glance at the screen where a Microsoft Word window is left open. And my traitorous hand slides forward. My unashamed heart thinks of wanting to scroll to find the next chapter’s file.

Don’t, Âi'Thǎem. If you want to read, go find it on the net. There’s plenty these days. One voice rises in my mind.

No. I (kuu) want to know how the young man will teach the angel next. Another voice retorts, making the hand I stretched out freeze in mid-air.

And what if Elder Phîi Khǎi comes back and knows you (mueng) secretly read?

I yank my hand back immediately, because just thinking of Elder Phîi Khǎi knowing I secretly read is already too embarrassing.

Huh. Then why does Elder Phîi Khǎi have a story like this on his computer? He said he wasn’t a psycho, right?

I blink rapidly. The two voices arguing in my mind make me unconsciously have a sudden thought. I look at the screen and wonder why Elder Phîi Khǎi has a story like this on his computer. And it’s men with men, too. No, even if it were men with women, I would still wonder.

“And he also has a sex toy.”

Now I recall the explanation for that vibrating toy, and remember Elder Phîi Khǎi said it was for work. So why does his work involve having this miraculous scene teaching bedroom matters on his computer?

The more I think, the more I wonder. But using my brain doesn’t help... the lower part feel comfortable.

“Ugh, stop thinking about having that thing rub your legs already, will you!”

Bloody fucking, now I (kuu) see the image of him thrusting his hips, having that thing rub Elder Phîi Khǎi’s thigh, out of nowhere.

Suddenly, I freeze.

Shit-lizard! And why does it have to be Elder Phîi Khǎi’s thigh!?!

I almost raise my hands to drop them on my own head. I shake my head violently. Then I spring up to stand straight, because it seems, if I still insist on pursuing the next chapter file of that story, I will unconsciously imagine myself being taught by Elder Phîi Khǎi to use the “that” route with a guarantee that it’s definitely better than before. So... no more!

Once I think of that, I grab my bag, about to walk back to the bedroom, to deal with the imagination that arose because of the young man and the angel first.

“Um, let me read a little bit more.”

Since it’s this hard, probably no one will fault me for going to imagine the scene and follow along. However, I probably forget something...

“What are you doing, Chôoe-Tǎem?”

Snap

Shit-lizard then!!!

I forgot that the room’s owner is at home and never disappears for long!

Now, I stand frozen stiff. I turn my head like a robot toward the room’s owner who just returned. In his hand are two stacked tupperware containers in a clear plastic bag, and his pair of sharp eyes are pressing down to look at my hand that is still holding the laptop screen lid. Then he turns to look at me with an expression... terrifying as hell.

“N..No!”

Why would I admit to reading? The hand holding the backpack shifts to block the crotch of my pants, begging it to calm down quickly, please.

“Did you read or not?”

Straight to the point!

I startle. I shake my head rapidly. I don’t know why I deny it, when it’s Elder Phîi Khǎi who should feel guilty for being a psycho, bringing something like this to read in the middle of the living room. But I refuse to admit it and quickly let go of my hand from the lid.

“Read what? I didn’t read.”

Psycho hell, my voice is super shaky.

“Really?” Elder Phîi Khǎi asks again, until I can only nod forcefully.

“Uh-huh-huh, I just got back. And... um, yes yes, I was surprised to see you, Khun, bring the computer to work outside. But before I could see anything, you, Khun, came back already. I came back just a moment before you, Khun Elder Phîi Khǎi. Just a little bit, really.” I think my suspicious behavior is full, but Elder Phîi Khǎi’s expression softens.

He nods slowly at me, then walks to place the bag on the kitchen counter.

“My friend brought something for me, so I went down to get it. I must have passed you (thooe).”

“Ah, I will go take a shower first. My body feels so sticky.”

Okay, I have solved the mystery of why he left the screen on. Because he probably thought he’d be down just a moment and come back. And I must have passed him exactly. The laptop screen didn’t turn to a black screen from being left idle for a long time. So I got to secretly read what was in it from start to finish. But now is not the time to talk about that. Can I go to my room now?

“Wait a moment.”

Rustle

If I (kuu) could moan out loud, I (kuu) would go scream. But I can only turn to look at the room’s owner. The person walks straight toward me, and...

Clasp

“Are you tired?”

What is with the questions?

Okay, I told Elder Phîi Khǎi he could hold my hand. But not now. Not when I am trying to hide something out of shame, but get my hand pulled over to be held. That calm, steady tone also seems softer, making my heart tremble. But damn it, Khráp. Something is also trembling along with it. Because the more I am aware of it, when someone touches it, it gets goosebumps, shivering strangely.

“Sweaty all over the hand.”

Elder Phîi Khǎi frowns, then pulls my hand to spread it open in front of him. And... uses the tip of his thumb to rub at the center of my palm.

“Tired from work?”

He must be concerned. He did say he would pursue me. But is it right for him to come massage and relax the lines in the center of my palm like this? Until I quickly pull my hand back.

“I will go take a shower.” I say with determination, turning my body to prepare to bolt.

Clasp

“Whoa!” Before I can escape, Elder Phîi Khǎi grabs me at the hip, making me cry out loudly. My hand accidentally lets the backpack fall to the floor. I feel glad I have my back to him right now.

“It’s dirty.”

Elder Phîi Khǎi brushes the shirt that hangs long over my hip. But why? Why does he have to be so gentle, almost like a soft caress!

Now I stand still. Stiff as a rock, as I become aware of the palm brushing back and forth on my hip and brushing past my butt several times.

“It’s all off. Here, your bag... ”

Once it’s all off, Elder Phîi Khǎi bends down to pick up the bag for me. He looks up, meaning to hand it to me. But...

Now Elder Phîi Khǎi looks at my burning hot face. Then he looks down below. After that, he looks up at my eyes that are about to cry. He looks down again. And finally looks up at my face that is about to let out a sob, while also saying words that make me want to cry in his bloody fucking face.

“You’re hard here, Chôoe-Tǎem.”

Don’t say I am rude, but I have only one sentence I (kuu) want to shout at the guy.

Yeah, it’s because of you (mueng)!!!

Perspective Khǎi

Lately, I am distracted. I am preoccupied. I am so happy I seem like a mad person.

Ever since the day I had the chance to kiss Chôoe-Tǎem, I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff all the time.

Poised between being able to fly and being afraid of having to fall down.

It’s the feeling of happiness when he accepts my kiss, equal to the fear that he will run away and disappear. And I don’t know why. Every time, I also say Chôoe-Tǎem is cute like an angel. But now, I see him even more like a little goddess. Whether he smiles, laughs, or makes a hesitant face, I feel he is cute until I really want to go crazy.

I am a person with one bad habit. Because I am not good with words, not good at expressing feelings, I like to write. My start as a writer began from that point. Because I didn’t know how to interact with anyone, I just wrote and wrote. And the lawyer who managed my interests before suggested trying a publisher. Then it passed consideration, sold. So it became my profession to this day.

Right now, I myself am pouring out many imaginations onto paper.

Before this, I practiced Thai by writing descriptions of my feelings for Chôoe-Tǎem, where however many pages were not enough. But now it is becoming even more serious. I... miss him in that sense.

I admit there are some moments when I have impure thoughts about this youth. When I look at his mouth, his cheeks, his watery eyes. Sometimes when I get to touch his body, I cannot suppress the wickedness in my heart. But after kissing, it becomes so heavy that I have to find a way to vent.

That method is... writing.

I vent my pent-up feelings onto paper, so that I can suppress my desires when facing Chôoe-Tǎem. I have learned that I must not do as my heart thinks. I think of wanting to grab him, but I cannot. Touch him, but I cannot. Because I don’t want Chôoe-Tǎem to get angry. I must ask for his permission first. Therefore, anything more than holding hands or kissing, I must vent it through another way.

Today is the same. I am moving my fingertips on the keyboard, sinking into the feelings I cannot stop.

I want to touch Chôoe-Tǎem more than hugging, more than kissing. I want him to permit me to possess him.

“Please don’t hate me.”

I tap the keys for the last time, before tilting my head back against the sofa backrest. I mumble softly, hoping he won’t be angry that I wrote about him like this. But then, my phone rings until I have to get up to answer.

“Come down to get something. I (kuu) am in front of the condo.”

Pòk-pông, my one and only close friend calls, until I glance at the clock. Knowing Chôoe-Tǎem is not back yet, I get up to get the keys, put on shoes, and go down to find my friend.

“Hello, Elder Phîi Khǎi. Smile a little, Elder Phîi.”

The moment I go down to the condo parking lot, the person who rolls down the window to greet me is not my close friend, but my friend’s romantic partner.

“Hey, letting another man smile for you, I get jealous too, you know, Khráp.”

“Wow, Elder Phîi Pông and Elder Phîi Khǎi, don’t compare. Anyway, my (kuu) Elder Phîi Pông is a hundred times better. Not to mention smiling, even just a sullen face is a thousand times more handsome, right?” Gôk turns to smile at the driver, until my friend laughs dotingly, raises a hand to shake his romantic partner’s head lightly, then turns to me.

“We happen to be going to watch a movie with junior Nông Gôk. Passing by this way, so brought some food for you.” My friend points to the back of the car where there are several plastic bags, until I turn to look.

“But you look in a good mood.”

Pòk-pông remarks, until I also frown, raising a hand to touch my own mouth. I myself realize I am smiling. No wonder my friend can sense it.

“Something good, huh?”

“Hey hey, is it about Elder Phîi Khǎi’s youth?” Gôk turns to make a curious face.

“He is older than you (mueng), Gôk. And he is not my youth.”

“But Elder Phîi Khǎi wants him as your (Khun) youth, right?” The youth with the endearing face smiles cunningly, making a teasing expression to the fullest, until I have to shake my head slowly.

“No. I don’t really want him as my own youth.”

“Huh?” Gôk looks very confused by my words, but not Pòk-pông, who laughs loudly.

“He hasn’t finished speaking, junior Nông Gôk.” The listener turns to meet my eyes again, until I say in a serious tone.

“I want to love him. And I want him to love me.”

Gôk falls silent, looking at me with wide eyes, until Pòk-pông laughs loudly, stroking the head of the little-one youth gently.

“Clear enough, hmm, junior Nông Gôk?”

“Crystal clear, Elder Phîi Pông. Ooh, to the point of devouring the dot!” Gôk turns to wrinkle his brow at me and says.

“Why doesn’t Elder Phîi Khǎi say things like this to your (Khun) youth? Even if Elder Phîi Khǎi’s handsomeness can’t beat Pông’s, if Elder Phîi Khǎi talks like this, he should give in some, Nǎ. If he doesn’t give in, just bloody fucking pin him down.” I frown sharply. I have not a single thought of pinning Chôoe-Tǎem down. Until I am about to argue but don’t get ahead of my friend.

“Âi'Khǎi is a better person than that, junior Nông Gôk. Yeah, can you (mueng) open the door and get it yourself? I (kuu) am lazy to get down.”

“Wow, Elder Phîi Pông knows this Elder Phîi Khǎi so well. Gôk gets jealous, you know.”

I am too lazy to listen to the romantic couple sulking at each other. I walk around to open the back door of the seven-seater car. I take the bags out and ask if this is it. Once my friend nods, I close it, then come around to the driver’s side.

“Thank you. Today Chôoe-Tǎem won’t have to cook either.”

“Any day, just bring junior Nông to the restaurant.”

“I’ll try asking later.”

I chat with my friend a few more sentences. Pòk-pông excuses himself to go back because he might miss the movie session he booked. I myself return upstairs to the room with two boxes of tupperware. Opening to look, it seems to be krapow rice. I suspect my friend probably made too much, so brought some to share.

Since I returned to Thailand, Saturdays would be the day my friend and I meet. Pòk-pông vents to me about things he wants to do with Gôk again. As for me, I consult about how I am not good at expressing feelings. Before we know it, Saturday becomes my friend not coming to my house, and I go sit and drink beer at his house, until my friend gets his wish.

Nowadays, we don’t meet on Saturdays anymore. But my friend still brings food sometimes on free days, because he knows I can’t cook.

The dry goods in my room are also because my friend left them.

I think while unlocking the room door. The things in my hand almost drop when I see who is in front of my computer... Chôoe-Tǎem.

I don’t know if I hide my suspicious behavior well. But when he insists he didn’t read, I feel relieved. And then I feel spurred on from Gôk’s words, walking to hold his hand. And I don’t know if I should be happy or not when I see that he... is hard.

Since Chôoe-Tǎem looks at me with tears welling up, making a face like he’s about to cry.

“Let go.” As soon as he orders the single word, I let go of his hand immediately. I watch him run fleeing into the room amidst extreme shock.

He... read my work.

One question echoes in my head... will he despise me?

The thought makes me quickly shut down the computer, raise both hands to grip my hair, wanting to punch myself for being this careless. Because Chôoe-Tǎem will probably come back afraid of me again. I may not have written his name into it, but anyone who looks at Chôoe-Tǎem must think the same as me. He is a little angel.

He knows for sure that I am the person who smeared the vile story of what I want to do with him onto it.

Let-me-die!!!

I don’t know how long I sit stressed like that, until...

The room door opens again. And Chôoe-Tǎem in home clothes pokes his head out hesitantly. He calls my name softly until I turn snap to look at his face.

“How are you?”

Âi'Khǎi! Isn’t there anything better to ask!?!

I (kuu) want to curse, frustrated with myself. Meanwhile, Chôoe-Tǎem’s face is bright red. Red all over from his face down to his neck, down to both hands. Normally, I would imagine bizarre things. But now, I am more afraid he is angry, so I can only stand straight, watching him walk with his head bowed to stand beside me. And then he... raises his trembling eyes to look.

“I... took care of it. I am sorry, Khráp.”

“Why are you sorry to me?”

I am really confused. I think I am the one who should apologize to him. But he looks at me with trembling eyes, then avoids my gaze again.

“Because I ended up, um, tsk, feeling.”

Cute as hell.

I try to compose myself, telling myself this is not the time to daydream. I must confess the truth. And if he will hate me, I must accept it.

“I'm sorry for taking liberties to read. But it’s Elder Phîi Khǎi’s fault anyway.”

Yes. All of it is my fault.

“Elder Phîi Khǎi left it open yourself. I didn’t mean to, Ná.”

I know. Because I myself.

Now Chôoe-Tǎem meets my eyes again. Both hands squeeze together tightly, then he whispers softly.

“But... but you, Khun, also shouldn’t leave work data open like this.”

Hmm, work?!

I am puzzled, because this is definitely not my work data. But it is my own work. Until I unconsciously stare at the other party’s eyes as if wanting an answer. And I don’t know if I pressure him or not. Chôoe-Tǎem blurts out loudly.

“Thǎem knows, Nǎ, that Elder Phîi Khǎi is not a psycho. When you, Khun, opened the porn that time before, you, Khun, also said it was work data. But don’t come and leave it open in the middle of the house. So I ended up reading accidentally. And I've never read anything like this. Never really, Ná. So it made me... curious.” At the end of the sentence, Chôoe-Tǎem speaks in a faint, wavering voice like he’s about to cry.

“When curious, I read. When I read, then, tsk, feeling this.” Chôoe-Tǎem confesses everything.

But I am processing.

So, in conclusion, my secret is not exposed yet. He thought I was gathering work data. He doesn’t think I am the person who wrote those things. Until I feel relieved. Moreover, Chôoe-Tǎem shows not a single sign of despising me. He reaches out to hold the hem of my shirt. He raises his eyes to look at me, asking as if about to cry.

“You aren’t angry at me, right?”

Thump!!!

In that moment, I hear something explode in my head. If you (thâan) asked me two months ago if I thought Chôoe-Tǎem would ever look at me favorably like this, I would definitely say no way. But when he is changing his perspective, even though the truth is I am truly a bloody fucking psycho, I feel like flying from that cliff edge.

I want to hug him. I want to pull him close. I want to kiss him hard.

“I’m not angry.”

How could I be angry? In this life, I have never thought of being angry at him even once. And I am like a switch is flipped. I reach out to touch his cheek. I can feel the burning heat. But Chôoe-Tǎem doesn’t flee. He just wrinkles his neck, closes his cute, endearing eyes. Until I... lean my face down to press my nose against his cheek, unable to bear it.

I want to kiss his mouth too, but fear he will get angry. After that, I pull away a bit. I look at Chôoe-Tǎem who opens his eyes to look at me in confusion, then asks with an innocent voice.

“Elder Phîi Khǎi isn’t kissing me today?”

I almost stop breathing at that question. Meanwhile, Chôoe-Tǎem also seems to just realize what he said, because he slaps a hand over his own mouth.

“N..No way. I didn’t say anything.”

But I cannot restrain myself anymore.

Clasp

I hold his hand. I press a kiss onto his palm hard. I look at the person who makes wide eyes, red cheeks, then ask.

“Then can I kiss?”

Chôoe-Tǎem falls silent for a moment. Then... he nods.

“Mhm.”

That gesture makes me kiss him until he has to gasp and beg for air to breathe.

What to do. I might not be able to be the good person my friend said anymore. How can I restrain myself from not pinning down the cute youth who is running around playing in every room of my heart?

“So it’s settled, Elder Phîi Khǎi is a writer.”

“Yes.”

“And this is work data.”

“Mhm.”

“And, um, are there more chapters?”

“Hmm?”

After kissing, this time Chôoe-Tǎem doesn’t flee from me into the room like before. Maybe because he looks weaker in the legs than that time. I let him sit on the sofa, then sit down too. Everything falls into silence for several moments, before he starts asking me what work I do. Until he misunderstands completely that what he read is my work data. But before I can gather the courage to correct the misunderstanding, he looks up at me, blinking his eyes, asking softly.

Of course I am surprised. I thought he would accuse me of being just a psycho who reads stories like that in the middle of the room. But he glances at my laptop again.

“It’s just that I'm curious.” He confesses.

“Do you like it?”

What am I asking? There’s no way he would like something like this in my eyes. Chôoe-Tǎem is like a little angel, innocent. He is not like me, who is obsessed with matters of wanting to touch him until crazy.

“N..No, Khráp.” That’s right. The answer should be like that.

“But I... also wants to read.”

I turn to look at his face, which is all bowed head and lowered eyes. He squeezes his two thighs together. Both hands also squeeze together tightly. He mumbles almost without sound.

“I have never read... It’s just... it’s interesting. So just curious. I'm not perverted. It’s just, um, just curious what they will do next. That’s all.” The manner of the youth in front of me makes me have to quickly compose myself. Because of his flushed red cheeks, the hands squeezing tightly in shy embarrassment, the soft, sweet voice that is sweeter than in imagination, and also... the sparkling clear orbs that glance up to look at my eyes.

“You want to read, huh?”

“No... ungh, yes, Khráp.” He admits in the end, bowing his head and lowering his eyes again.

“But there are no more chapters.”

“Aw.”

I once thought there was no way I would let him read my low thoughts. But when Chôoe-Tǎem looks up with a regretful expression, I pick up the machine and open it again. I place it on my lap. And I have to restrain myself to the utmost of my ability when he shifts closer to me. Both hands place down on my forearm like a curious little youth. He leans his face in to look at the screen, close... until I get the scent of fragrant soap.

Smelling closely, he also uses soap with the same scent as me. But when it wafts from his body... it’s fragrant until I want to inhale.

“What do you want to know next?”

Chôoe-Tǎem bites his lip until I want to bend down and bite his lip again, but I restrain myself.

I look at the person who squeezes my forearm a bit tighter, as if unconsciously.

“I want to know... what he teaches next.”

I think my thoughts from here on are absolutely Psycho. But I say. “If I get a new chapter, I’ll send it to you.”

“Really?” Chôoe-Tǎem looks up at me, eyes sparkling. He shakes my hand. He looks like he really wants to know the continuation. And let-me-die, him making gestures like this at me makes me have many things I want to write, smearing my low thoughts.

“I’ll send this chapter to you first.”

“Really, Elder Phîi Khǎi?” Chôoe-Tǎem leans his face closer to me than before. He braces himself closer, until I nod. But the corner of my eye sees his beautiful neck and collarbone, until I have to quickly avert my gaze.

I have a limit of patience too.

Now I want to kiss his mouth until he moans a sweet voice. I want to touch his entire body. I want to sprinkle kisses on his white skin. I want to teach him to know carnal desire from my touch, until he pleads for me, until he cannot do without me like I desire only him. I want...

“I think you should move back a bit.” I caution him.

I want to take back my words, because Chôoe-Tǎem’s smile disappears instantly. He presses his lips together, then lowers his eyes.

“I'm sorry.”

“No, Chôoe-Tǎem. You don’t understand.”

“Elder Phîi Khǎi probably thinks I'm a bad youth. Thinks I kept it and did the same.”

What to do? What should I do if I tell him? He will definitely look at me unfavorably again. But I cannot bear to see him make a sad face. Until I take a deep breath, and then...

“It’s not that. But because of this.”

Chôoe-Tǎem looks down following my hand, then opens his mouth agape.

“Elder Phîi Khǎi!!!”

I will definitely be hated by him again. Since the part I try to control but never can when near this youth is burning hot. And he is making wide eyes, until I raise a hand to cover my face.

“Is this because of me?”

I don’t know what expression he is making, but I nod, accepting the blame willingly.

“Because Elder Phîi Khǎi... likes me, so it becomes like this... right?”

I nod again, before turning snap almost too late when I hear this sentence.

“Then... should I help?” Thǎem asks.

Did my ears deceive me just now!?!