MA Chapter 17: Taking It Slow

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

Beef steak with gravy sauce... No, no. Market beef is too tough and hard to chew.

It would take a thousand chews before I could finish a plate. Buying expensive beef would be wasteful. And then there’s the method for simmering the gravy sauce. If I burn it, it’d be a waste of ingredients. What should I do, Ha? I’m confident in my basil stir-fry skills. But in a condo like this, the smell would be so strong I’d die of sneezing for sure.”

Today, the moment classes ended, I came straight back to the condo. I didn’t pay attention to my friends’ questions about what was wrong, why I was rushing off everywhere. But today, it was like I was going to find my lazy, fight-avoiding romantic partner. The whole way, I tried using my battered phone to look up foreign recipes that might be familiar to someone from that room. I mean, he grew up abroad. And I had gone and promised him I would cook with my utmost skill. If it didn’t suit his taste, my reputation would be ruined.

I just got on good terms with him.

To be honest, I don’t really know if this counts as being on good terms. But I consider it a good omen for us to start anew, even though I don’t know in what capacity.

He said he likes me. But I didn’t give an answer. So, it’s probably... still just housemates.

Today, I, a fan of Thai food, will try making foreign food. But the ingredients are damn expensive.

Whether it’s cheese, milk, butter, meat, even the vegetables used in foreign food are expensive. And I don’t know if the recipes on the internet are okay. If I make a mistake, it means throwing money away. I tell you, I can’t accept that, Ha. So, I am currently looking for something that, even if I fail, would still be edible.

“Salmon menu... Oi, I shouldn’t have given that box of salmon to Âi'Tîan.”

I grumble, eyes fixed intently on the various salmon menus. It doesn’t seem difficult to make, just season and bake. But the point is, I don’t have the ingredients. Even if I go buy them, I can’t bring myself to buy that beautiful but expensive fish. After calculating, can I just buy mackerel instead? That’s sea fish too.

“Sigh, money is indeed money, just as Âi'Ker said.”

I know it’s his money. But I can’t bear to spend it extravagantly. Seeing that I eat rice and instant noodles, and am extremely frugal like this, ever since I started doing housework for Khun Khǎi, I have been trying to calculate and find healthy, wallet-friendly, and tasty food for him to eat.

“Spaghetti it is, then.”

The pantry. In the end, it came down to those yellow strands I had seen many packs of.

Elder Phîi Khǎi can’t cook, but he just happens to have all these ingredients that need preparing.

Right now, I have taken over his kitchen. So, I just noticed that besides the fully equipped kitchenware, as if from a MasterChef list, he also has things like spaghetti sauce, spaghetti noodles, penne noodles, and what’s that? Oh, something called rigatoni is stocked at home too. It’s as if on some free day, he would come swing a spatula to show off for me.

Or someone makes it for him to eat.

“Must be the housekeeper,” I dismiss my suspicion and decide that this meal will be spaghetti stir-fried with meat and vegetables.

I stand in front of the room now, take a deep breath, unlock it, and step inside.

Bang

"Are you back?"

Gasp!

This heart of Âi'Tǎem almost fell to my ankles!

How could I not be startled this time? As soon as I opened the door and entered the room, suddenly, the study room, which is almost always sealed shut, was flung wide open. And the person inside immediately spoke up, making the person who had just braced himself to enter the room almost drop his bag. It’s a good thing I didn’t cry out and embarrass myself.

“You startled me completely, Khun Khǎi.”

“Aren’t you calling me Elder Phîi anymore?”

“Er.” I raise my hand to touch my mouth because I accidentally called him Khun Khǎi out of habit. But what makes me quickly avert my face to look at the canvas shoes I took off is probably the voice that seems softer, and his shoulders that are a bit more slumped than before. As for his face, don’t even mention it. It’s still the same frowning, scowling face as always.

But this kind of demeanor makes... my (kuu) heart soften instantly.

“Er, I... I just got used to saying it... ” I make an excuse, put the shoes in the cabinet by the entrance, and then look up. But... the homeowner is still staring at me without looking away.

He seems to be waiting.

“Er, Elder Phîi Khǎi.”

Let-me-die! I think I saw him smile. Even if it’s just a twitch of the mouth that looks like a grimace.

“Hmm.” Once Elder Phîi Khǎi is satisfied, he turns and goes back into the study room again. Until I start to guess that the reason he came out was to receive me, and also to wait for me to call him Elder Phîi Khǎi. And that makes a smile bloom. I can’t help but feel that Elder Phîi Khǎi is quite cute.

Fine, I will reluctantly put more meat in the spaghetti then.

I think with a much better mood, I put my things on the sofa first, then walk to wash my hands and prepare to get my hands cold.

“So, which type of pasta should I use?” I put a pot of water on the stove, add salt as the recipe says. But the point is, I have to be confused by the various types of pasta in the drawer. Since I have only eaten the straight kind, I take the straight, thin kind that’s on restaurant menus and called spaghetti, estimate the amount, and drop it into the pot, letting it spread out.

See? I (kuu) can do it.

I feel smug and chuckle inwardly, turning around intending to prepare the other ingredients. But...

This is the second time today I let out a loud cry. When I turn around and find a person with a stern face standing silently with arms crossed at the kitchen counter. Didn’t he go into the study room? How he popped back here in a flash, I don’t know.

When I cry out, he raises an eyebrow.

“Did I make you (thooe) afraid?"

My heart wants to say yes. But after seeing that demeanor with slightly slumped shoulders,

“No, Khráp.” Elder Phîi Khǎi looks in a better mood immediately. And then he lifts a box that was placed by his feet, which was hidden by the counter, and places it on top.

“For you (thooe)."

“Tǎem told you, Khun, already that Tǎem doesn’t want it!” I stare at the MacBook box I saw before and cry out, shaking my head sharply. I almost get angry, if not for the deep voice that continues.

“I (chǎn) said I (chǎn) like you (thooe) and you (thooe) still won’t accept it?”

Of course my face turns red. “What does that have to do with it?” But I argue.

Okay, I know he’s a good person. He probably won’t use the money to hit my head like I once thought. But I also agree with what my mother says. How can we accept things from him for nothing?

“It does have to do with it.” Elder Phîi Khǎi’s face frowns and his brows furrow even more.

“I (chǎn) am sure I (chǎn) am doing the right thing.”

“What right thing?”

“Doesn’t everyone think like this?” What am I even arguing with him about? Common sense about using money!

“And what do you think, Elder Phîi Khǎi?” But before I think on my own, interpret on my own, I try asking him. Otherwise, I will definitely end up frustrated with him again tonight. The other party makes a thoughtful face, then says with a deadpan expression...

“Giving a gift doesn’t mean wooing?”

"Hah!!!"

This time, Âi'Tǎem freezes. Looking at his face, it’s clear he’s not joking. He looks too serious. I can only open and close my mouth dumbly, unable to speak. My cheeks feel intensely hot. In the end, I can only purse my lips tightly.

“Before this, you (thooe) said I (chǎn) was using money to hit your (thooe) head. But last night, I (chǎn) said I (chǎn) like you (thooe). Therefore, when I (chǎn) give you (thooe) something, it only has the meaning of wooing, right?”

Am I weak in Thai, or is he deliberately trying to drive me crazy?

Meanwhile, he slides the box right in front of me and asks again. “Can’t I (chǎn) woo you (thooe)?"

“Well... no.”

I don’t know if I like him or not. But I didn’t mind kissing him. On the contrary, I even felt good. So, if he says it’s wooing, it shouldn’t be a problem... probably.

“Then I (chǎn) give. Oh, this means wooing.”

He stares at my face. As for me? I should look away, Dammit. Speaking so directly like a ruler like this.

“I... don’t know! This one, I'm just borrowing! But not borrowing for free. I will find something else to repay you, Khun... Otherwise, I won’t take it.” Elder Phîi Khǎi seems like he will argue, but I counter immediately as well. I told you, matters of money are serious. Until I can only insist that I am indebted to him once, I will definitely compensate for sure.

“Then this isn’t wooing, is it?” He mutters, until I, who almost turns to check the stove, decide.

"Small items, Sí."

"Hmm?"

Geez, why doesn’t he understand now, Ha!

I want to shout in his face, but can only turn to look at the pot of boiling spaghetti. My eyes focus on the electric stove to regain composure, and then I am almost dying of embarrassment when I add...

“If Elder Phîi Khǎi wants to woo, I will accept small items... that’s fine.”

If I were in the bedroom, I would definitely cover my face with my hands from embarrassment. But right now, I can’t. So I try to stand still with my back turned, not wanting Elder Phîi Khǎi to know how hot my cheeks are. But my damn ears still hear his whispered reply.

“Then next time... accept it.”

“Un.”

Ooi, I’m embarrassed, Ha! I never dreamed there would be a day I would stand here feeling embarrassed by a stern-faced villain like this!

***

“If you, Khun, can’t eat it, don’t eat it, Khráp. The pasta is a bit soggy.”

I would like to blame someone else, but my mother taught me that if you do wrong, you must admit it. So I can only say in a soft voice, while looking at the stir-fried spaghetti sauce where the noodles look soggier and mushier than expected. My mouth tells Elder Phîi Khǎi, feeling sorry for the wasted food. But if he doesn’t eat it, I won’t say anything.

I just got wooed until I’m dazed!

That’s right. After encountering the wooing sentence, I forgot that I had boiled the pasta for too long. By the time I came to my senses, it was in this condition.

“If you (thooe) make it, I (chǎn) can eat all of it.”

“Ah, Un, un.”

Sometimes his straightforward words make the listener embarrassed for him. And yes, I am currently embarrassed.

Elder Phîi Khǎi probably doesn’t think anything of it, because he twirls the noodles into his mouth, chews, swallows, nods twice. No words of praise. Which I don’t expect. These past many days of cooking for him to eat, he has never said anything. Even when I say it’s too salty or too sweet, he eats it all every time. Oh, but it’s because he and I don’t often eat together.

Before this, I ate my own food, just made some extra for him. The next time I see, the plate is already empty. So this is the first time, not counting this morning when we sat and ate rice together.

After that, I don’t know what to talk to him about. Elder Phîi Khǎi himself isn’t a talkative person. So we eat dinner quietly. But amidst the silence, I instead feel relaxed, feel that these soggy noodles are more delicious than any other spaghetti I have made. Maybe it’s because there’s someone sitting and eating with me.

I guess. How long has it been since I sat and ate alone in a room?... Ever since I came out to live alone.

It’s not that I don’t go back to eat at home with my mother. I go home on some holidays. But eating with my stepfather, whom I am still not very familiar with, is like eating with a stranger. Especially later, when he has a romantic partner, so my mother has to take care of the younger sibling. I can’t remember when the last time was that I ate with someone in a family-like atmosphere.

No words, no conversation. But just having someone to eat with is delicious enough.

Am I accepting Elder Phîi Khǎi as part of the family?

I don’t dare ask myself deeper than that.

By the time I finish eating, Elder Phîi Khǎi is already done.

“Are you, Khun, full, Khráp?"

“Hmm.” So I stand up, collect his plate to stack with my plate, and say,

“I made an extra plate. If late at night you, Phîi, are working and get hungry, you, Phîi, can warm it up and eat it.” Actually, I made extra in case he doesn’t get full. But this much, I can already gauge the eating quantity and how to cook next time.

After that, I go to wash the dishes. I think he will probably disappear into the study room again like before. But not at all. When I turn back, intending to walk to get my bag from the sofa, the room’s owner is still sitting right there, turning to look in my direction. Until I have to avert my eyes, I can only walk hesitantly to find it.

“Are you, Khun, going to your room?”

"Hmm.” I nod, then ask him back.

“What about you, Elder Phîi Khǎi? Aren’t you continuing work?” He shakes his head.

“I (chǎn) want to be with you (thooe) a little longer. Let you (thooe) walk to your room first, then I (chǎn) will go in.” I almost avert my eyes from him, but I really can’t avert them in time when encountering those utterly serious eyes staring without looking away.

“Why are you, Khun, waiting for me?”

“Because I (chǎn) am happy.”

Is he saying he is happy to look at me?

I know I should go into the bedroom now. But I don’t know. Suddenly, I understand the loneliness hidden in Elder Phîi Khǎi’s eyes. It’s like the loneliness and isolation I have felt all along. So I muster the courage to plop down and sit beside him on the sofa, lower my head to look at my hands holding the backpack tightly.

“I'm just a burden who came to live with you, Khun.” I understand my own situation well.

But Elder Phîi Khǎi shakes his head. He extends a hand out as if to hold my hand, but he stops in time. “No. You (thooe) are not a burden.”

I purse my lips. I cannot dismiss the thought that I am a burden to anyone. But it dissipates just because of a few words.

“But you (thooe) make this place a home. A home I (chǎn) lost a long time ago.”

I can’t speak. It’s like something is stuck in my throat. And today, Elder Phîi Khǎi is probably in a better mood than ever, because he continues to speak.

“I (chǎn) have lived in many countries. But I (chǎn) still haven’t found the home I (chǎn) lost. When I (chǎn) was a child, I (chǎn) used to have it. And then lost it. I was sent to boarding school. Then I moved to a dorm. But wherever, I (chǎn) couldn’t find a place I (chǎn) wanted to stay... ”

I feel my eyes burn hot. The feeling of his loneliness is splashing into me. And I understand it.

This very loneliness that has been gnawing at my heart since knowing my mother would remarry... I have no place to return to.

“Until now.”

Snap

I look up at Elder Phîi Khǎi’s face, and then find that he has extended his hand again, but it’s suspended in mid-air. However, this time I grab and hold his hand, look into his eyes, hoping he will continue.

“Eating meals with you (thooe) makes me (chǎn) happy.”

Elder Phîi Khǎi doesn’t need to say more. I already understand how happy he is that I came to live with him like this.

Eating dinner is like a normal thing everyone does. But people who eat with family every day, who experience the warmth of sharing, who talk during meals, probably don’t understand that for people who have no one to eat with, no one to exchange how the taste is, eating alone... is heartbreakingly lonely.

Sniffle I don’t want to cry and whine in front of him. “Why didn’t Elder Phîi Khǎi hold Tǎem’s hand then?” I deliberately change the subject because I don’t want to.

Before, whenever Elder Phîi Khǎi wanted to grab me, he would grab. Even when I said no, no, he would still touch. But lately, I have observed many times that he seems to reach out to hold, and then hesitates mid-way. So I ask him. And Elder Phîi Khǎi answers the question with his usual serious demeanor.

“I (chǎn) once said... I (chǎn) would not do things you (thooe) don’t like.”

He’s doing as I said!

I widen my eyes, look at the hand that I am the one holding. And because I held first, he tightens his grip on my hand firmly.

“Like this... do you (thooe) dislike it?” Elder Phîi Khǎi looks at my hand as well, until I decide to shake my head.

“No.” I don’t mind touch like this.

“Then like this.” He interlaces his fingertips with my fingertips.

"No... no.”

Our palms press together firmly until I start to not dare look into his eyes. And my answer makes Elder Phîi Khǎi he...

“Like this.”

Before I realize it, he pulls my hand to press a kiss on the back of it, making me startle with a jolt. I think that if I still don’t react to anything, he will probably increase the level gradually. But just this much, I am almost done for. Until I have to quickly pull my hand out, stand up straight in a flash.

“I... I'd better go to my room.”

I hold the backpack tightly, walk to grab the notebook box, will run with stumbling legs into the room.

“Sigh”

But the sound of a disappointed sigh makes me turn back. And then I can only say...

“If it’s just a kiss (on the hand)... I'm is okay with it.”

Bang

I don’t stay to see what expression Elder Phîi Khǎi makes. I close the door, want to scratch my own face hard for once. I just realized that I am okay with a man kissing my hand.

Or maybe... I might just be okay with Elder Phîi Khǎi alone.

***

“Nông, does this color not have a larger size?”

“Oh, please come this way, Khráp.”

Since morning, I have been running around busy in a famous foreign clothing brand store. Because today is Saturday, which is my extra work day. And I have said before, right, that I am the number one folding hand of the store? Plus, right now is the period for changing the product display shelves. So my hands are a blur of motion.

When the customer walks in asking with a shirt style in hand, I am in the middle of moving another set of products onto a shelf.

"Thank you, Khâa.”

“You’re welcome, Khráp.” I send a commercial smile just like when being a perfect DJ, then turn around intending to continue managing work.

“Nông, Khráp, Nông, can you help me get the shirt on top for me, Sí?”

Suddenly, a familiar voice that sounds teasing and nerve-grating rings out from behind. I pause my hands for just a moment, then put on a sweet smiling face, turn to the customer who asked. But... I bang my voice at him.

“Don’t you, Khun, have hands to get it yourself, Khráp?”

“Oho, this store’s staff is sharp-tongued. Must report to the manager.”

I probably wouldn’t be sharp-tongued, if it weren’t because the person who called out is... Âi'Ker.

“What are you (mueng) here for, Ha?” I sigh at him, not paying attention to getting the shirt as he said, turn to manage my own work. The distinguished customer follows, laughing at me.

“Aren’t you (mueng) a little happy your (mueng) romantic partner came to find you (mueng)?”

“Later I will grab a mannequin showing clothes and throw it at you (mueng).”

“How savage, Ha.”

I am very annoyed with him, want to curse. But because the manager isn’t far, I can only send a commercial smile. But the look in my eyes... is already about to devour his head.

“Okay, okay, I (kuu) won’t mess around anymore, don’t eat my head. Today I (kuu) have a dinner appointment at home. But it’s not time yet, so I (kuu) came to bother you (mueng) for fun.” Âi'Ker confesses the truth, while he also reaches out to get the shirt he has his eyes on. But I stumble on his words “home.”

“You (Phîi) and your (mueng) Aunt, right?”

“Who else would it be? There are only two people. But what about you (mueng), Ha? Finished work? Want to go together?” He invites me easily, because I myself am familiar with the people in his house. But this time, I reject the goodwill.

“No, Ha. I (kuu) want to hurry back.”

"Hah!” Âi'Ker makes an overly surprised face, raises a hand to his chest with a kickable demeanor.

“This Âi'Tǎem, the person who refused to go home because he was afraid the homeowner would disappear, where has he gone, Ha? Don’t tell me that getting jealous of Âi'Tern once made you (mueng) think that you (mueng) shouldn’t let Boss Khǎi slip from your (mueng) grasp.”

“Wait! Really?” Âi'Ker lowers his hand, enters serious mode. And then he sidles closer, stares at my face with a scrutinizing look.

“It’s nothing. You (mueng) think too deeply.” As for me, I avert my eyes, pretend to be busy with work. But Âi'Ker isn’t easy to stop.

“No, no. I (kuu) am not thinking-deeply. Your (mueng) symptoms are telling, Tǎem.”

“Telling what crazy nonsense? I told you, Khun, it’s nothing.”

Suddenly, I feel heat on the back of my hand which he kissed. And my red face makes Âi'Ker nod twice.

“Playing hard to get for so long, in the end, finished.”

Snap

“Damned-animal! I (kuu) am not finished!” I turn sharply, arguing with him loudly. But I forgot, Ha, that I am at work. And that, the bloody store manager is walking straight this way. Until I can only glare at my friend.

“Save it for later, you (mueng)!”

“Hahaha, I (kuu) won’t accept it.”

Then the the annoying fucker of a person who came to bother me walks off waving the shirt to pay, leaving me to get scolded by the manager alone. But whatever. Today, I won’t be angry with him. Because just thinking about what to make for dinner, and what Elder Phîi Khǎi will express for me to grasp his feelings, I am eagerly focused on going home.

Every other time after work, I would still stroll around in the mall. No, not buying anything, Khráp. Just looking, killing time because I didn’t want to face Elder Phîi Khǎi. But for today, the moment work ends, I quickly take a car home. And I am lucky the traffic isn’t bad. Not long after, I walk, carrying bags of food I stopped to buy in front of the mall, and arrive at the room.

Aaah

Today, no one pops out to startle me, Heh.

“Not here?”

I look around the room but don’t see the shadow of the person who lately often comes out to sit in the corner of the sofa. Until I think he must be in the study room like usual. But then my eyes catch on the sleek MacBook, which is set up with the screen open right on the coffee table.

"Peculiar."

I have never seen him bring work out to sit and do outside, not even once. Therefore, I put the things in the kitchen first, then walk back to the machine with curiosity. Because even though I talk with Elder Phîi Khǎi more than before, I still don’t know what work he does.

If I just glance quickly, it should be okay.

“What is it?” I think I will see a screen related to stock trading prices or something like that, because I see he works from home all the time. But I instead see characters lined up densely, which is even more bizarre because it’s in Thai.

I know it’s not good to snoop into other people’s business. But you could say I am starting to be interested in Elder Phîi Khǎi’s matters. So I lean in to look a bit more.

“Ah... Huu... want to do it again... want... hard... want you, Khun, to teach... teach again... ”

The angel seems to have forgotten where they are, because their hips move and sway even more tremulously, breathing heavily and violently. Eyes brimming with tears look down at their own shameful posture, but instead they spread their feet even wider apart, revealing every desirable part of their lower body. Their other hand pulls the hem of the large shirt up over their chest...

“Hey! What is this, Ha!” I am sure my eyesight has no problem. But to be certain, I walk around behind the sofa to look closer, stick my face close to the screen, read what is on it.

And that makes my face get hotter and hotter. I accidentally extend a hand to scroll the window up to the top to read from the beginning, then scroll down to read the content further page by page. And it makes me gape.

This is that kind of novel!

Suddenly, I raise one hand to cover my eyes. But I still have one eye left to lower and continue reading. While my two legs accidentally squeeze together according to the content flowing into my head. And right now, it even comes with images, scenes, episodes until my cheek skin burns hotly, scarily. But I can’t stop reading. I... want to know.

And let-me-die, this isn’t a man and a woman. It’s a man with a man!!