MA Chapter 15: Beneath the Moon's Shadow

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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem

“In short, Senior Thǎem and Phîi Ker are not romantic partners. But Phîi Ker provides service, finding snack money for Senior Thǎem.”

“Ah, Há.”

“Wow, if Têl's friends knew, they'd definitely be rolling around on the floor, Looei.”

After chatting and playing music for a little over an hour, enough to satisfy, I bid farewell to the listeners and said I'd come back to host again soon, but needed to sort out the moving house stuff first. Once everything was turned off and properly shut down, I turned to meet the suspicious, intensely curious gaze of Junior Rahad that was so strong it could give me a rash.

Âi'Ker then gave a short explanation, getting to the point... We are not romantic partners, Khráp.

That alone made Lít-Têl slap his forehead, drop his body to sprawl on the floor, and then start rolling around, acting like he'd been deceived for almost two semesters, until I asked, exasperated.

“Where did you get the news that I and Âi'Ker are romantic partners?”

“Geez, the rumors are intense throughout the whole faculty. Not just within the faculty, my friends from outside the faculty still think you guys are already together, already!” The speaker bounced up to sit straight, stating it so clearly that I was stunned, could only stand there gaping. I turned to look at my close friend; if he had lain down to laugh, he probably would have done it already.

“You're the one who's 'together' with your Phôo, you!”

“Don't drag Têl's Phôo into this.”

“I (kuu) am not dragging him in, damn it! What were you thinking with that hole in your foot, thinking we were already together?!”

I want to go crazy. Thinking we're romantic partners is somewhat acceptable, because Âi'Ker acts like it often enough. But just thinking my pristine backside is already gone, this is absolutely unacceptable. I don't even want to say I've only ever taken things out, never put anything in. Enough with the extreme delusions, Thòe!

“Senior Thǎem is speaking impolitely, Ná.”

I roll my eyes. That's right, I don't use 'kuu/mueng' with juniors. But I'm really angry here, Nîi. The old case where he became close with Khun Khǎi isn't even cleared up. He's forcing the idea that I am together with my close friend. It's a blessing I didn't kick him.

I purse my lips. I won't argue. I won't speak. I don't want to engage.

“Alright, that's enough, that's enough. When it's done, let's go home. It's late. We should be considerate of the homeowner.”

“Phîi Khǎi is kind-hearted, he won't mind anything, Rǒoe.”

I was about to stop being angry, but my face definitely scrunches up when Têl argues with Âi'Ker with such a confident manner. Because even I don't dare say outright that he is kind-hearted. And to act so single-minded like that, how do you know, Wá? And that makes me unable to resist.

“How do you know he's kind-hearted?” I stare at Junior Rahad's face, which smiles slyly in response to the question.

“Têl has a sense, Senior.”

“What sense, Ná?” I ask again. As for Têl, he smiles broadly, puffing out his chest.

“Since I (nǔu) was little, Têl has always known who is good and who isn't. It's like, my instinct tells me this person can be approached, this person cannot be approached. When Têl first met Senior Thǎem, Têl charged right at you, Khun. Isn't it strange why Têl doesn't go 'ngaew ngaew' at the fourth-year seniors but comes to beg Senior to treat me to food instead?” Well, that's true for him. If you want someone to treat you to food, wouldn't it be better to go find third or fourth-year seniors? Why come to me, who is utterly broke?

“Têl isn't very brave about getting close to that senior. He looks scary and peculiar. But with Phîi Khǎi, from the first time I (nǔu) saw him, Têl just clicked. Yeah, Têl knows he has a poker face, but he's kind-hearted, Ná. Being near him feels comfortable. He answers whatever I ask. Plus, he doesn't act annoyed with Têl. My sense tells me I can get close to Phîi Khǎi.” So the origin of Lít-Têl's crazy, foolish actions depends purely on instinct, Sí-ná.

I shake my head immediately.

“Heyyy, you don't believe Têl? Têl is telling the truth, Ná.” Well, it's hard to believe, Nǎa.

“Yeah, and what about me (kuu)?” Âi'Ker finally chimes in, asking seriously. Does he believe Têl has a second form, is a medium or something? To which my junior answers very willingly.

“When Têl first met Phîi Ker, Têl was somewhat uncertain. Phîi Ker seems to hide something. He's like a person with multiple personalities within himself. But when he's near Senior Thǎem or with friends and juniors, Phîi Ker shows his kind side. So Têl is confident that as long as Têl is a junior, Phîi Ker will definitely be kind to Têl. Guaranteed.” I am taken aback, turning to look at my close friend's face, which goes a bit still, but after a moment, he smiles widely.

“So, I'm bipolar, Sí-ná?”

“Têl didn't say that.”

My junior quickly defends himself, but I am beginning to understand. Lít-Têl's instinct is scarily accurate. Because another reason Âi'Ker likes to act like my romantic partner all the time is to prevent people from getting close and thinking too much. Then he doesn't have to show his heartless-person side.

Âi'Ker, when he cuts someone off, cuts them off completely, scarily so, Looei.

“Enough, enough. It's late. We can go back now.”

“Ooh, what, this?” My close friend turns to make wide eyes, and I answer in an extremely considerate tone that...

“Yeah, I (kuu) am kicking you out.” The listener laughs loudly, but I don't join in the fun. I just look at the clock. It's past nine. I am already being terribly inconsiderate to the homeowner. This isn't my house at all. And I don't fully believe Âi'Têl's sense that he is kind-hearted and won't be angry that I brought noisy people into his house.

“Okay, then let's go back.” Âi'Ker handles carrying the equipment he brought. The junior beside him also slings his guitar bag neatly. They walk out to the living room together. As for me, I glance at the study door, which is still tightly shut. However...

“Senior Thǎem.”

“What?” I ask Têl that one word, and he smiles pleadingly.

“There's salmon left, Senior.”

I know the sashimi from dinner is still left in the fridge because Âi'person who ordered it ordered without thinking. Did he think we'd eat it all? I was even thinking of grilling it with soy sauce for breakfast tomorrow. But it seems Lít-Têl doesn't think like me, because he's blinking his eyes. If he could wag his tail, I believe with all my heart he'd already be doing it.

“And so?”

“It's inconsiderate, Senior, but also... can I have it, Lá?”

He's already being considerate, this junior. I really want to see, at the moment he's being shameless, if he won't just open the fridge and stuff it in his bag, Wá.

“Ask me for what? I wasn't the one who bought it.” I answer irritably, but I forgot a bit... forgot that answering like this is also bad.

“Okay, then Têl will ask Phîi Khǎi. That way, I (nǔu) can also say goodbye before leaving.” As soon as he finishes, he acts like he's going to walk and knock on the study door, and my hand moves before my brain.

Thump

“Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm going to fall!” I grab his guitar bag with full force and hold it tight, causing Lít-Têl to jolt backward, almost falling on top of me, but Âi'Ker quickly comes to help support him. Meanwhile, I am also a bit stunned.

“Senior Thǎem! What are you doing, acting crazy? If I (nǔu) fall and my (nǔu) brother's guitar breaks, Têl will definitely be killed.” The junior complains until I quickly let go of the acoustic guitar bag. Making a decision in just a moment, I then walk briskly to the fridge, open it, grab the box of sashimi for two that almost no one touched, put it in a plastic bag, then walk back and hand it over.

“Okay, Têl won't be angry.” The person who treasures the guitar (brother) snatches the bag to hug thump, smiling broadly, in a good mood. As for me, I just say...

“You can go back now.”

“Sure, Khráp. And if Senior Thǎem ever needs a guitarist, just say the word. Têl will rush over to help immediately.”

“When will you get here if you run? Want to take my car instead, Têl?” Âi'Ker still has the face to tease, pushing the junior's back to finally step out the door. But he inevitably turns to make eye contact with me, and it's absolutely insane. I want to poke my close friend's eyes out so he goes blind, because he's looking at me like he sees right through me!

“I (kuu) just realized something, Âi'Thǎem.”

“Realize what?” I make a sour face, looking at him as he laughs softly.

“Realize that when a stingy misser is jealous... they can also become generous, ngggg.”

“Damned-animal!” I curse him that one word. I want to say I am not jealous, but today I've said this word I don't know how many times already. So I won't repeat it again. Even though my heart... is starting to lean towards agreeing.

“Sure, sure, not jealous. Shoving expensive stuff into Têl's hand faster than the time you (mueng) save up money for doing reports. Okay, then I'm (kuu) leaving. Send my regards to your (mueng) Khun Khǎi. Oh... ” Still, he's not leaving yet. Still lingering, putting on his shoes endlessly, walking to open the door following Lít-Têl who has already gone out to the front of the room. His hand holds the door panel, then turns to look at me who is still puzzling over his hanging words. Then he says...

“Don't forget to call him Phîi Khǎi to satisfy your longing, Lá. That way you won't take it out on your junior.”

“Âi'Shit-lizard Ker!!!”

I roar after the person who laughs loudly. But do you think my friend will care? He seems to have enjoyed this house visit immensely. I think he's probably relieved that my new place is okay. But I don't understand at all. Originally, he was already egging me on to be Phîi Khǎi's youth. But isn't this brewing it too strong, Wá?

“Have they all gone back already?”

Gasp!

Just as I am angrily enjoying my annoyance with Âi'Ker, a greeting voice sounds from behind, making me startle gasp. I whirl around to look and find the room's owner standing looking at me from the study door, which is absolutely insane... I avert my eyes.

I don't want to see the indifferent eyes when he looks at me, different from when he looked at Lít-Têl. It makes me feel terrible.

“Yes, Khráp.”

He glances at me for a moment, then walks straight into the kitchen. I can't help but lift my head to look at his back. Then I really don't know what ghost-demon-devil whispered to me—maybe its name is Âi'Ker—because I let out a call, saying...

“Phîi Khǎi.”

Screwed!!

Whirl

Suddenly, the person who was grabbing a glass turns to look at me immediately, making my legs shake. I lower my head to avoid his gaze instantly, wanting to punch myself for making my friend's words come true seriously. I have been calling him Khun Khǎi for a year. How can I call him Phîi Khǎi just because of one junior?

“What did you (thooe) call me (chǎn)?” He steps very quickly because I haven't even had time to escape yet. Khun Khǎi stops right in front of me.

“N-nothing.”

“But I (chǎn) heard it just now.”

“Your (Khun) ears are playing tricks on you.”

Psycho, screwed! I'm blushing!

Right now, I don't dare look up at him. I only see the hem of his shirt. My cheeks are frighteningly hot. And I almost can't stop myself from flinching when Khun Khǎi reaches out his hand as if to hold my arm, but it stops mid-air.

“That's right. It must just be my ears playing tricks.” Why does his voice sound disappointed, making me press my lips tight.

Khun Khǎi turns to go back into the kitchen again.

Thump

But I manage to grab the hem of his shirt in time.

“Hmm.”

He lowers his head to look at me. I also inadvertently look up at him. Meanwhile, my mouth is trembling a lot.

Do it, Wá. Do it, Âi'Thǎem. It's just a little thing. Do it, Sí.

"S-Sen... Khǎi"

“Hmm?”

“Se... Senior... Phîi Khǎi... Khráp.” My voice is even softer than the wind blowing, but I think Khun Khǎi hears because his eyes widen even more. Just that, I know how shocked he is. But I must be more shocked, as the two hands that were paused mid-air thump grab onto my upper arms, and he asks again.

“What did you (thooe) call me (chǎn)?”

“Se... Phîi Khǎi. Phîi Khǎi, Nîi. But if you, Khun, don't like it, I can call you like before.”

I say with my mouth and throat trembling, my body trembling even more, feeling hot all over. And I know, this symptom is embarrassment, from my eyebrows to the hair on my legs. Even more so, the eyes that were previously expressionless and scary are now more sparkling than before. I feel that... it was worth calling out.

“No. I (chǎn) like it.”

Thud

I am stunned, look up at him as he emphasizes again...

“I (chǎn) like it, Ná.”

“Thǎem... I, I know already.” As soon as I realize, I quickly avert my eyes. I know he likes that I call him senior. But that...

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” He calls me again, and I also look up at his eyes again, until I see the seriousness in them. Then, the deep, low voice speaks out more clearly than before, echoing throughout every chamber of my heart.

“I (chǎn) really like it, Ná.”

""

Everything is completely still, as if the world has stopped moving, before...

What should I do? I am about to faint!

I know he's talking about my way of addressing him. But why does he have to emphasize it many times, say it many times, stare at me as if piercing through, hold my arms so tightly that I am both hot and dizzy? The sound of my heart is beating so loudly and chaotically that I can hardly hear any other sound in my ears. The image in front of me is blurring as if the screen is about to go dark.

“I (chǎn) like it, Ná... ”

“I know already!... You can let Thǎem go now.” Before he can repeat the same word, I hurriedly interject.

Now my voice is trembling a lot. I avert my eyes repeatedly. As for Khun Khǎi, he reluctantly lets go of his hands with a regretful manner.

“Hmm. Sorry. You (thooe) probably don't like it.”

“No, Ná!” My mouth is faster than my brain again.

“Hmm?” He himself raises his eyebrows, making me hurriedly bow my head and say.

“It's not that I dislike it at all. Thǎem, I... I don't know anymore. Ouch, I am going to take a shower now.”

I shake my head hard, take several steps back, trying to tell myself he is dangerous, I'll die, don't stay close like this. But it seems that thought isn't very firm, so I can only run to the front of the bedroom, acting like I'll vanish into the room, but then I remember.

"Khun... Phîi Khǎi."

Why is calling him 'senior' so awkward to say?

As for the owner of the name, he is still looking at me expectantly, making me hesitate about whether to speak or not. And the corner of my eye catches sight of the plastic bag with the logo of a Japanese restaurant from Sukhumvit that we ordered from, which pushes my voice out of my throat before my brain can stop it.

“Between Thǎem and Têl, who is more attractive?”

Âi'Damn mouth!

Now my face can catch on fire. Even more so when I see Khun Khǎi make a face as if I just transformed into a magical girl, like a shocking insane. I know I've messed up badly. My cheeks feel like they'll explode boom out. I shake my head repeatedly, telling him, my tongue almost tied.

“N-no... nothing. Nothing, Khráp. Consider that Thǎem didn't say anything.”

Whoosh

I hurriedly push the door to close it, but Khun Khǎi is quicker. He inserts the tip of his foot to wedge it, making me open my eyes wide in surprise and quickly pull back because I'm afraid of biting his foot.

“What are you doing? In a moment, I will close the door on your foot.”

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” It's Khun Khǎi again who doesn't care about his own leg. He calls my name again, making me have to look up at him. And then I have to be stunned.

“You (thooe).”

“Yes, Khráp?” I am confused in the first second, before blushing in the next second.

“You (thooe) are more attractive than... “attractive” than anyone.”

Everything... is dead silent.

So silent that I can hear my heart beating very clearly.

"A... take your foot out, Sí. I am going to close the door." I avert my eyes, tell him. Which Khun Khǎi agrees to, pulling his foot out with a disappointed manner. But before letting me close it, he says one more sentence.

“Believe me (chǎn), Ná.”

“I don't know! I'm closing it now!” I hurriedly close the door. After that...

Thump

I press my forehead against the door panel, almost rubbing my face raw. Both hands clutch the left side of my chest, hoping to tell my heart to beat a bit slower. I am already running out of breath.

“He just complimented that you (mueng) are attractive. Why did my crazy ears mishear it as 'lovable'? I don't know how. Oi, Âi'Thǎem, are you embarrassed of him? Hearing everything all wrong, my brain is all messed up!” I curse at myself. Because yes, the second he emphasized that I am attractive, I mistakenly felt he was saying I am attractive to the point of being lovable.

Extremely wrong!

In the end, what can I do besides clutching my face all night? Moreover, his voice keeps swirling in my head endlessly. While all that anger, irritation, and hurt feelings, they all disappeared the moment he said I was more attractive than Lít-Têl.

Even though I know it's not good to compare myself to Junior Rahad, hearing this makes me... able to smile.

Staring, definitely staring!

The next evening, at a time when the sky has already darkened, I, who just returned from university, am standing in the kitchen, slowly placing salted marinated chicken wings into the air fryer. I feel hot all over my back. I am sure it's not because of the appliance, since I haven't even plugged it in yet, but because someone has been staring at me since I stepped into the room.

Why isn't he locking himself in the study today, Wá!

Normally, Khun Khǎi doesn't come out of the study easily. But today he is sitting in the living room, watching TV. Even without psychic eyes, I am sure he is staring at me, making me want to escape to my room. But I already declared that I would make dinner. So I don't want to break my word.

I turn on the appliance, then turn to make a simple stir-fried vegetable dish, but still perceive that he is staring. When I muster the courage to turn around...

Whirl

Âi'Thǎem here turns back almost not in time.

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” And turning to meet his gaze makes him walk over. His voice is just behind the counter. I just nod in acknowledgment.

“Want to use my (chǎn) laptop for now?”

“Khráp?” This time I turn to look at him fully. I didn't expect him to talk about this. I can only tilt my head to look, as he gets straight to the point.

“Yesterday, your (thooe) friend brought a computer to use, right? You (thooe) yourself don't have a device for doing reports, it must be difficult. So I (chǎn) want you (thooe) to use my (chǎn) device for now.”

“I won't take it. I already said I won't accept things from you, Khun.”

“I (chǎn) didn't tell you (thooe) to take it forever. Consider it a loan.”

When I object, he himself says with reasoning that makes me relent. Well, if it's just borrowing to use, it's within an acceptable boundary.

“I feel bad.” I mumble in my throat, turning to scoop the stir-fried vegetables onto a plate.

“I (chǎn) know. But can't you (thooe) rely on me (chǎn) a little?”

Thud

I freeze my hands, about the same as my heart skipping a beat, perceiving the almost pleading tone, like the time he asked me to stay here, making me not dare to look at him. I am afraid I will be weak-hearted, especially now when my heart is not with my flesh and body.

“Like you (thooe) rely on your (thooe) friend.”

“I don't rely on Âi'Ker that much at all.” At the very least, I don't go live at his house, receive a salary from him, use things in his room. Truthfully, I rely on Khun Khǎi more than my close friend. So why does he have to use a tone like he's feeling hurt with me?

“Then just accept it.”

I know Khun Khǎi's words don't sound pleasant, like forcing it as usual. But this time, I turn to meet his eyes and see that he is begging me, even though I would be the one borrowing his device. So I can only mumble and say.

“If it's just borrowing.” I think it's worth it to see Khun Khǎi's sparkling eyes. But it's not okay with him walking into the kitchen.

“I (chǎn) will help scoop rice.”

Even though I agreed to borrow his things, it doesn't mean I can still get close to him. Especially after yesterday's mishearing incident, I went to bed thinking and rethinking about what exactly I am thinking about him. And my symptoms are starting to become clear to the point I don't want to admit it. Therefore, as soon as he comes in, I quickly slip away as well.

“Then I will go gather the laundry.”

I then walk quickly to the balcony on the other side, open the door to get the outside breeze, lift my head to look at the sky without starlight but can still see the crescent moon floating prominently in the dark blue sky, finally starting to calm down a bit.

Creak

“You (thooe) forgot the basket.”

However, the room's owner follows, making me startle gasp. Moreover, he is as big as a building. The only way I could escape would be to jump off this balcony.

“I (chǎn) will help.” I hear his voice from behind, but don't know if the clothes drying rack I just bought with Âi'Ker is small or not. Every time he reaches out to help pull the hangers, his arm touches my shoulder every time, making me want to turn and tell him to just go sit still or go back to your study, it would be better. But I can't say it.

Until every piece of clothing is thrown into the basket...

“Step back, Sí, Khráp.”

“Chôoe-Tǎem.” But Khun Khǎi doesn't step back. He calls my name, making me look up at his eyes.

“Not calling Phîi Khǎi anymore?” He demands, his voice like a request, making me blink repeatedly, wanting to turn my face away to avoid, but there's nowhere to escape. Behind is the clothes drying rack. In front is a wall named Khǒng-khǎit. I can only stand stiff.

“Call Phîi Khǎi again, can you (thooe)?” He asks with a straight face, but my heart is not still at all. It's completely weak.

“I already called yesterday.”

“And today?”

“Do you want me to call every day or something?”

“Every day from now on would be good too.”

Thud

I am still. I am stunned. Is he telling me, right, that he wants me to call him every day? And that makes me mumble out until I can.

“Phîi Khǎi... are you satisfied now, Khráp? If you're satisfied, then step back.” I try to make my voice firm, try to say I am not embarrassed at all to change how I address him, even though I know full well in my heart that I call him like this because I am jealous that Lít-Têl can call him that. I myself want to be able to call him like that too. Therefore, when I actually call him, it's very embarrassing.

So embarrassing that I make a blushing face to confront him like this.

“One more time.” He orders.

“I don't want to anymore.”

“One more time.” He still insists on the same words.

As he gets closer... “Hey, I said I don't want to, Nîi.” I myself don't want to call more than that, but when I meet his eyes... “Phîi Khǎi.” Until I finally do, Nǎa.

Whoosh

Unbelievable, Nǎa. He smiles!

I almost slump down onto the floor because that, his lips are lifting into a real smile. It's not a mocking smile or a villainous twitching of the mouth like every other time. Maybe because his eyes are sparkling too. The corners of his mouth lifting ever so slightly become a smile that shocks me speechless.

But that isn't the most shocking thing of the day. Because...

His lips touch the lips of... me.

Of course, I open my eyes wide to look at the face that is only a little away, see even the long eyelashes resting on his cheek skin, can perceive the high bridge of his nose brushing past the side of my cheek, know the warmth imprinted firmly on what is called lips, which even a kindergarten child knows this is... a kiss.

Khun Khǎi kisses me!

He pulls away already, looks at my face that must be utterly shocked, then he lifts his head to look at the sky, then lowers it to meet my eyes again.

“Tonight, you can see the moon, Ná.”

I don't understand. I can only look at his face confusedly. Then Khun Khǎi continues.

“In this night, there are a million stars... I (chǎn) want to ask to kiss the star beneath the shadow of the moon.”

That song?

Suddenly, the song I sang yesterday echoes loudly in my ears, while he only speaks a few lines, but it's enough for me to know what he means. However, what he is about to tell me next is what I don't understand.

“I (chǎn) don't want to kiss any star. But I (chǎn) ask to kiss you (thooe) beneath the shadow of the moon... can I (chǎn)?” After that, he... presses his lips onto my mouth again.