MA Chapter 13: Not Friends, Not Family, Then What Is It?

Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Khǎi

I do not know if anyone can tell, but in the moment I wake up and find something soft in my embrace, and moreover, when I crane my neck to look and discover it's a little angel, I am shocked, almost stunned, to the point of not knowing what to do. My mouth blurts out asking how the other party ended up here, even though I should have found better words than this.

Because as soon as I finish speaking... he lifts his face, his eyes brimming with tears, to look at me.

Did I make him cry? What the hell did I do!?

Thǎem is still as cute as ever. His skin is white as milk, his lips a vivid red, his hair a tousled mess that looks as soft as silk. But those two shining, clear orbs are now shimmering with teardrops, making me shiver with a chill inside, wanting to go back into my dream and ask myself... what did you do to Nông in your sleep!

"What did I do?" I am truly conflicted with myself. Why isn't my voice more concerned about him!?

I admit Thǎem's tears make me feel a kind of uncontrollable emotion. But at the moment he is looking at me with a reproachful expression, I really do not know what to do.

Thǎem, what did I do? What did I do to hurt you?

Why are words like these so hard to say!

"It's because of Khun... it's because of you, Khun, that's why." While I am arguing within my own mind, that trembling voice sounds again, forcing me to lower my gaze to look. And let-me-die, even though I am feeling crazy guilty, his disheveled appearance—whether his hairstyle or the student uniform that parts to reveal his beautiful collarbone—is even more distracting, impossible to look away from. And his mouth, damned thing.

"Did I assault you (thooe) or something?"

Âi'Shit-lizard Khǒng-khǎit!

If Pòk-pông were here, he would call me with this word. Because I am even cursing myself. My gaze lowers as if inspecting what I might have accidentally done. My hand reaches out to lift the blanket, my eyes staring uncontrollably at the target of Thǎem's pants. And that causes...

Thump

"Ouch!" The two hands of the person in my embrace push against my face along with the blanket with full force.

"Thǎem, that hurts."

"Well, what were you, Khun, thinking, Khun-psycho!" Suddenly, the person who was lying softly beside me bolts upright, standing next to the sofa. One hand grips his student shirt collar tightly, the other wipes away stray tears. He uses his jet-black eyes to glare sharply at me, and his red mouth speaks with simmering anger.

"Thinking impure thoughts!"

"... "

I want to defend myself, but I know well it's the truth.

I want to help Thǎem, but I cannot stop the impure thoughts when looking at this youth. They are strong enough to make me want to smear them onto something. And each time they get more intense... I think I should add three more locks to my office door.

"You (thooe) said it's because of me."

"It is because of you, Khun, that's why. But not in the way you, Khun, are thinking." Thǎem's face gets redder and redder, and someone like me who gets scolded often interprets this as him being very angry. His two hands are clenched tighter than before, glaring at me sharply. He even takes several steps backward. If he could growl at me, he probably would have.

Even if I see it as a little kitten trying to threaten me.

"I (chǎn) saw you, Khun, sleeping. So I (chǎn) brought a blanket to cover you, Khun. But suddenly, you, Khun, pulled me (chǎn) into a hug. So I (chǎn) said it's because of you, Khun, that's why. Not that you, Khun, assaulted me (chǎn) or anything... what were you, Khun, thinking with that brain of yours!" Thǎem must be very angry, because his face is flushed bright red, and he even opens his mouth wide. But I still think he looks cute.

"I am sorry." Since he explains the situation to me, I have no choice but to apologize. This makes the other party tilt his chin up, but bloody-fucking hell... He's cute as hell.

"Don't think any more crazy thoughts, Khun Khǎi. And I (chǎn) don't want to see that sausage either."

Sausage?

At the end of his sentence, he mumbles. And I have sharp ears and hear it clearly, repeating it in my mind. I look around, then look up at Thǎem again.

"What sausage?"

He looks at me with glistening eyes, as if tears are about to brim again.

"It's better if you, Khun, don't know," he says, his face extremely red. Then he walks quickly towards the bedroom I gave him. But before stepping into the room,

"Don't you, Khun, touch the things I (chǎn) bought. I (chǎn) will put them away myself. If I (chǎn) let you, Khun, do it, it'll just get messy again. And when you, Khun, go to sleep, find a blanket to cover yourself, or turn the A/C down a bit." Thǎem's face is bright red again. He bites his lip, hesitating as if wondering whether to say it or not. Then he lowers his head.

"Otherwise, you'll get sick."

Slam

Is it possible... he is worried about me? He slams the door shut with force, leaving me sitting motionless like that. And I choose to interpret it that way.

"Bloody-fucking hell."

I am not irritated. I am not displeased. Because when I say hell... it's bloody-fucking hell, Thǎem, for making my heart tremble this much.

In the end, I turn back to look at the sofa where I was lying just moments ago. I reach out my hand to touch it, sensing the warmth of the person who just got up. Then, in the end, I can only lie back down, stretching out as before. My two arms hug the blanket that a certain cute youth brought for me. I bury my face in the fabric, breathing in, hoping to catch the fragrant scent of someone. If Gôk or his romantic partner Pòk-pông saw this, they would surely call me insane. But I can only say...

"Don't make me fall for you (thooe) any more than this, Thǎem."

Because just this... is enough to make me give my whole heart.

Perspective Thǎem

Slam!

Whoosh

The moment the bedroom door closes, I (chǎn) let out a huge gasp for air. I (chǎn) turn around, pressing my back against the door, and then... slide down to slump on the floor.

"Was that normal, Âi' Thǎem? Was it normal!"

My two hands rise to cover my face, leaving only my eyes looking at the blurry image in the room. Because my brain is so hot it feels like it's about to explode. Everything looks hazy. Even the sound of my own voice from just now is hard to make out clearly. All of it is because my heart... is beating too hard.

Right now, I (chǎn) can only ask myself... was I (chǎn) acting normal just now?

Am I (chǎn) still the Thǎem who doesn't trust him? Am I (chǎn) still the Thǎem who is angry at him for wasting money? Am I (chǎn) still the same Thǎem who is afraid of his touch? Am I (chǎn) still the same person? Even though my brain and heart are all hazy, my heart is beating so hard it hurts my entire chest, until I (chǎn) have to lower my hand to clutch tightly at the left side of my chest.

"What is this... feeling?"

I (chǎn) do not understand. I (chǎn) do not know what is happening to me (chǎn). Why are my hands and feet completely numb? Why is my face so hot it feels scalded? Why is my body so red it's frightening? Why is my voice trembling so alarmingly? And why... did I (chǎn) have to show concern and let him know?

One thing is certain: I (chǎn) am not angry. I (chǎn) am not irritated. I (chǎn) am not displeased.

It is not the same feeling as when I (chǎn) am with Âi'Ker. I (chǎn) can hug my computer, play with it, can even kiss its cheek.

It is not the same feeling as when I (chǎn) am with Little. That feeling is a mix of fondness, annoyance, and pity that a junior has a miser like me (chǎn) as his senior Phîi. But I (chǎn) can still play with the junior without feeling awkward, no matter what Little likes to do, like rushing over to hug me (chǎn) from behind.

And it is not the same feeling as when I (chǎn) am with Aunt Nok. Auntie makes me (chǎn) feel at ease. I (chǎn) want to curl up beside her, want to be spoiled, want to be indulged. Even though she hugs me (chǎn), even though she ruffles my hair, Auntie does not make my heart beat like a drum roll. She does not make my face red as if I (chǎn) have a fever, or make my mouth tremble like someone with a stutter.

The feeling towards Âi'Ker is friendship. The feeling towards Little is fondness. The feeling towards Auntie is family. Then what is the feeling I (chǎn) have for Khun Khǎi... ?

"What have you, Khun, done to me (chǎn)?"

Being close to him has made me (chǎn) know a feeling I (chǎn) have never experienced in my entire life.

"Is this... caring for someone?"

That's all. I (chǎn) do not know. I (chǎn) do not understand. I (chǎn) just cover my face and listen to the thumping sound of my heart...

"Thǎemrâk, are you okay?"

"No... no, Khun Professor Ohm."

I (chǎn) know myself that I (chǎn) have been brooding over yesterday's events until my brain hasn't rested. I (chǎn) couldn't sleep. I (chǎn) wasn't hungry even when I (chǎn) should be. But I (chǎn) didn't think it would show so clearly, to the point that the professor of the course, who also holds the position of my advisor, said in class that after the lecture ended, she wanted me (chǎn) to stay behind.

So now I (chǎn) stand in front of the beautiful professor who is scrutinizing me (chǎn).

"Is it because of the dorm fire? If there's anything I (rao) can help with... "

"No, Khun Professor, it's not. The dorm situation is settled." As the professor speaks with concern, I (chǎn) quickly deny it, not wanting her to worry. The other party lets out a heavy sigh.

"You look distracted today, Thǎem-Râk. Usually, you pay such intense attention in class." I (chǎn) lower my head, not knowing how to answer the professor. Even though I (chǎn) am closest to this professor—maybe because our ages aren't as far apart as with other professors—it's still too embarrassing to ask... What does it feel like to care for someone, Khun Professor?

It's so embarrassing I could die.

"Don't worry about him, Khun Professor. Last night he just played games a bit too hard." Suddenly, Âi'Ker, who refused to leave the room and had sprawled on the chair at the very end, chimes in with a wide smile, drawing the gaze of both me (chǎn) and the professor.

"Khun Professor doesn't need to worry. The dorm matter is already handled. The expenses aren't a problem. As for his feelings... I'll keep an eye on him myself." Sometimes I (chǎn) hate my friend's obnoxiously helpful nature. Bloody fuck, even in front of the professor, he's still winking and raising his eyebrows, acting like he's my romantic partner.

"Don't tell me the rumors going around that you two are dating are true."

Âi'Shit-lizard Ker! Look at him, look at what he's doing! Even the professor bloody knows!

I (chǎn) want to curse, but I (chǎn) didn't sleep enough to think of any curses. I (chǎn) can only pout slightly, looking at my close friend who smiles widely with his handsome face. And then he opens his mouth, and I (chǎn) know he's going to fan the flames even higher.

...Retreat? He loves it when there are rumors that he and I (chǎn) are dating... so the people eyeing him will get the message.

"Who is he, Professor A... "

"Are you ready yet, Âi'Little? I (kuu) told you to prepare three days ago. You just finished your slides last night, didn't you, Âi'damned-animal!"

"Hey, some things have to be done last minute, man. Here, hot-off-the-press slides, ready to serve. I (kuu) finished running them just before leaving home."

"Âi'shit-lizard Little!!!"

Gasp

At that moment, an argument erupts from the front of the room before the door swings wide open, revealing two juniors who are arguing, their faces dark and red. No, wait, one of them has a dark, red face, but the other one still has a playful, carefree expression, with no sense of causing trouble for a friend. And that person... is my own junior Phîi.

"Oh, is Khun Professor Ohm still using the room?... Ah, Phîi Thǎem, Phîi Ker. Perfect timing, it's noon. Treat Little to lunch, will you?" I (chǎn) am the first to turn my face away. The moment my one-and-only junior Phîi finishes greeting the professor, he still has the nerve to ask for a free lunch. And with me (chǎn), who is extremely frugal, does he think I (chǎn) will treat him?

Dream on, you (mueng).

"I (rao) am done talking. But what are you all doing here?"

"Our next class is in this room, Khun Professor. And we two are presenting first, so we rushed to prepare and load our slides onto the computer." It's not Little, who wags his tail running over to Âi'Ker, who answers, but the other junior who replies to the professor politely, then turns to glare at his friend.

"Phîi Ker, Phîi Ker, Little is hungry."

"Âi'Little!"

"Hey, Âi'Sǎn-dòrn, don't be so stressed. Your friend is here sweet-talking for a free meal."

"Whoa, my name is Dòrn D. child, R. boat, Nirandon! Not your Sǎn-dòrn or Sǎn-dǎan... uh, sorry, Khun Professor." The speaker grins sheepishly, apologizing to the professor respectfully. Khun Professor Ohm just shakes her head and looks at the other advisee in the room.

"Before asking your seniors to treat you to lunch, go help your friend first. Or I'll report you to the course professor." Khun Professor Ohm looks at Têl with an expression mixing exasperation and fondness, then turns to look at me (chǎn) as if comparing the two senior-junior Phîi pairs, both of whom are her advisees, until I (chǎn) give a dry smile.

"Why can't you be diligent like your senior Phîi here?"

"Phîi Thǎem is too diligent. I'm not lazy at all. And I know Khun Professor Ohm is kind and wouldn't pick on her favorite student." Little says with confidence, while the listener laughs and gathers her documents to step out of the room. But before leaving, she turns back to look at me (chǎn) and says kindly,

"You can consult me anytime if there's anything."

"Thank you, Khun Professor."

I (chǎn) raise my hands in a wai of thanks, watching the professor step out of the room. The moment she is out of sight...

"Does Phîi Thǎem have some issue?"

"How could I (kuu) possibly know, Âi'Little?"

"You (mueng) just stop interrupting me (kuu), Âi'Sǎn-dòrn." My junior insists on calling his friend by the old name, while I (chǎn) shake my head, pushing his face away. I (chǎn) can't help but think that I (chǎn) didn't think anything of it when my face was close to Âi'Ker and the junior, but I (chǎn) think-deeply that yesterday I (chǎn) pushed your Khun Khǎi's face away with full force... I wonder if it hurt him a lot.

"By the way, has Phîi Thǎem eaten yet... "

"Phîi has no money today."

"Heyyyyy! Phîi Thǎem is heartless! I didn't even get to say anything yet!" The moment I (chǎn) finish speaking, the junior begins to whine. He opens his mouth wide, makes a face like he's about to cry. And as I (chǎn) said, this youth has a handsome face, but he acts so silly that even his friend shakes his head in exasperation, speaking apologetically on his behalf.

"Phîi Thǎem doesn't need to pay attention to him."

"You (mueng)!"

"Hahaha!" My close friend is the one who laughs out loud. He raises his hand to ruffle Little's head lightly, then, true to his kind-guy style, is generous with him all around.

"Alright, Phîi will treat you to lunch today. But it's cafeteria food today."

"Oooh, I love Phîi Ker so much!" He even turns to stick his tongue out at me (chǎn). But whatever, as long as money doesn't fly out of my pocket.

Pat

"You (mueng) don't need to love Phîi Ker that much. You (mueng), come here. We're first group, Âi'damned-animal. And your slides just finished now, so you had no intention of practicing with me (kuu) at all, right? Fine then... Phîi Ker, Phîi Thǎem, go eat. Don't mind this shit-lizard. Anyway, this noon, I won't let him go eat for sure." Dòrn says to us, then drags Little by his shirt collar to sit planted in front of the computer at the front of the room.

"Hey, free food, man. Phîi Ker went to the trouble of treating. That's so ungrateful." He still has the nerve to say, but shuts his mouth promptly when his friend makes a face like he's about to pounce and choke him. My junior turns to look at us, making such a pitiful face that even I (chǎn) soften. Especially when he adds...

"I (kuu) only get to see Phîi Thǎem once in a blue moon."

I (chǎn) press my lips together. Honestly, since the second semester started, I (chǎn) have only seen my junior Phîi twice. And including all times, I (chǎn) have treated him to food only once. He really is pitiable. Other juniors have seniors take them out, buy them snacks. For me (chǎn), it's just cafeteria food once.

"Then, are you free this evening? Want to go eat at my place?" Suddenly, Âi'Ker places a hand on my head, but his mouth speaks to the junior, making me (chǎn) inadvertently look up at him.

He knows I (chǎn) have softened. And he helps like he always does.

Âi'Ker knows I (chǎn) won't accept his money, so when he helps, it takes this form... helping treat the junior instead, helping drive me (chǎn) somewhere without charging a single baht for gas. But still, inviting a junior to eat dinner at home might seem a bit much. Even if I (chǎn) have decided to take refuge at his place tonight, a typical junior probably wouldn't dare go to a senior Phîi's house so easily. But...

"I'll go!"

I (chǎn) almost wrench my neck turning it so fast!

"Âi'guy is always this easy. Weren't you (mueng) saying you were going to get your guitar back from your friend at the Science building?"

"Hey, it's just the Science building, it's right here, man. I (kuu) can run over in a flash. By the time Phîi Ker and Phîi Thǎem finish class, I (kuu) will already be planted waiting under the building." Little grins smugly, quite pleased with this idea.

"Alright then, see you at 4:15 under the building. We're going to eat now." Since my friend has decided, I (chǎn) don't object. I (chǎn) just follow him out of the classroom, trying to shake off the feeling of being anxious and worried about my employer who can't cook for himself. But this morning I (chǎn) stuck a note on the fridge telling him I'd be back late today. He should be able to find something to eat himself... probably.

And why am I (chǎn) thinking about that perverted guy?

That perverted guy, as soon as I (chǎn) step out of the classroom in the evening, sends a short text message saying... are you done with class?

I (chǎn) frown sharply. I (chǎn) really dislike his short, abrupt way of speaking. But I (chǎn) agree to reply that I (chǎn) am done.

This time, he calls!

"Who is it? Oh, it's your (mueng) Khun Khǎi."

"He's not mine (kuu)." I (chǎn) push away my friend's face as he leans in to look at the screen. I (chǎn) hesitate whether to answer or not. Because just thinking about hearing his voice makes me (chǎn) feel a strange, prickling sensation all over. But whatever.

"Yes."

[Can you park in front of the building?]

"Hmm?" I (chǎn) am confused, of course. But I (chǎn) am only confused for a second, because his calm, steady voice follows.

[I am in front of the building now... I came to pick you (thooe) up.]

Suddenly, the confusion transforms into something else.

"Hey, Âi'Thǎem, what's wrong with you!!!"

I (chǎn) stumble, my eyes widening in shock. I (chǎn) raise a hand to clutch the left side of my chest. Because suddenly, it's beating so fast it's scary. Just because he drove here to pick me (chǎn) up and take me (chǎn) home. What in the world, do I (chǎn) have heart disease or something!!!

How can this be... ?

"Have you lived abroad too, Khun? Amazing!"

"Is that so?"

"It is amazing, Phîi. My English is terrible. I didn't pass the benchmark, so I had to take two extra courses. And which countries have you lived in, Khun? Which regions?"

"I grew up in America. But I've lived in both England and France."

"Amazing! Phîi Thǎem's relative is super amazing!"

I (chǎn) ask myself again how this can be happening. Like this, me (chǎn) sitting in the passenger seat of a beautiful Mini Cooper, while the driver answers questions from the person sitting in the back seat along with an acoustic guitar. And the person chatting away happily isn't Âi'Ker, but... Little.

It's like this: after I (chǎn) hurried down the building, almost jumping three steps at a time, I (chǎn) find Khun Khǎi waiting with a beautiful Mini. The moment I (chǎn) see his face, I (chǎn) freeze, I (chǎn) am stunned, feeling unable to speak because that chest pain follows. But before I (chǎn) can even gather my wits to ask how he got here, Âi'Ker... he drags Âi'Little along with him.

Since someone came to pick us up, the plan must change.

You Khun Khǎi, my friend bloody smiles slyly. And the changed plan is from his house to...

the house of the person who agreed to it. So Little ends up tagging along in this car, with Âi'Ker driving behind. If I (chǎn) could choose, I (chǎn) would much rather go in the other car. But it wouldn't be good to leave my junior with a stranger. I (chǎn) never thought my junior Phîi would have the skill of being so easygoing with people, to the point of asking about his upbringing and birthplace.

I (chǎn) didn't even know Khun Khǎi lived in England or France or whatever. And when introducing him, I (chǎn) didn't know how, so I (chǎn) said he's a relative of my mother. Little just lumped it together and said he's my relative too.

"If it's French food, I like crème brûlée a lot."

"I like croquembouche. Do you know it?"

"I know it, Khun. I've seen it on TV shows; it's a dessert similar to choux cream stacked into a tower, right?" I (chǎn) turn back to look at the other two in the car. Because in just the time I (chǎn) was lost in my own thoughts, the conversation has moved to the name of a French-style sweet that, frankly, even the name doesn't sound familiar. And I (chǎn) don't know if I (chǎn) imagine it, but Khun Khǎi seems to be smiling.

"But I've never eaten it. Is it delicious?"

"It's delicious. My friend makes it very delicious."

"A French friend, Khun?"

"No. He is Thai. He went to study there, then came back to open a shop in Thailand." I (chǎn) just learned he has a friend who studies pastry. Meanwhile, Little's eyes are wide; he looks like he's drooling.

"Where is the shop? I really want to try this croquembouche thing."

"But he doesn't make it in the shop in Thailand."

"Oh."

"The cost is high. He sells to school children." I (chǎn) feel like maybe I'm imagining it, but Khun Khǎi is speaking more than usual. And Âi'Little keeps chatting away, making me (chǎn) want to ask, aren't you afraid? His face is expressionless like that, his voice is steady like this, and it's also curt and rough, not pleasant to hear. My eyes glance at the driver.

Why does he look so happy?

But wait, why am I (chǎn) irritated?

"What a shame. I want to try the real thing. Right, Phîi Thǎem?"

Gasp

While I (chǎn) am side-eyeing, I (chǎn) startle. I (chǎn) turn back to look into my junior's eyes. And I (chǎn) see it, Khun Khǎi also glances over, forcing me (chǎn) to turn to look out the window.

"Just cream cake is enough." I (chǎn) end up thinking of the cake he gave me (chǎn) when I (chǎn) agreed to stay.

"What's wrong with Phîi Thǎem? Why do you seem irritated?"

"Hey, no!!!" My reaction is over the top. I (chǎn) shake my head rapidly, staring back into my junior's eyes, which are staring at me (chǎn). And I (chǎn) don't know if I (chǎn) imagine it, but he seems to be trying to read my feelings, forcing me (chǎn) to push Âi'Little's face back to sit properly in the back seat, ordering with my mouth at the same time.

"Sit and fasten your seatbelt properly. They've passed the law that people in the back must wear seatbelts too."

"Ooh, Phîi Thǎem, where have you been?" I (chǎn) am annoyed, of course. I (chǎn) turn back to look at that junior, and then I (chǎn) am stunned.

The person who is pulling the seatbelt strap to show that it's fastened, and who also fastened it for the guitar he said he got from a friend in the Faculty of Science, and who sticks his face forward like this is pulling the seatbelt to its full length, coming to chat enthusiastically. And Little is laughing so hard his eyes are almost closed, pointing at the driver.

"Phîi Khǎi told me to fasten it as soon as I got in the car, Phîi Thǎem."

Thud

I (chǎn) am not taken aback. No, not at all. Not one bit, when I (chǎn) hear my junior call him... Phîi Khǎi.

"Yeah, well, go back and sit properly!"

"And what is Phîi Thǎem irritated about?"

Little grumbles in his usual manner, but he obediently goes back to sit leaning against the back seat. However, he still has questions for the driver, answered with that calm voice. But I (chǎn) feel it, I (chǎn) think, I (chǎn) know that Khun Khǎi is enjoying answering my junior's questions, until I (chǎn) feel something strange.

What is this feeling? At first it felt like a tightness in my chest, but now it feels hollow.

I (chǎn) try to push this thought away, enduring until the car turns into the condo. I (chǎn) quickly get out first, taking long strides towards my close friend, the mastermind who suggested changing the plan. I (chǎn) know it's him who wants to inspect my new living place. And since he wants to know so badly, I (chǎn) quickly drag him upstairs. Right now, I (chǎn) don't want to think about manners, since the homeowner gave me (chǎn) permission. I (chǎn) will give him a tour!

"Ouch, Âi'Thǎem, that hurts. Why are you so irritated?"

Again. Âi'Ker says I (chǎn) am irritated again.

"No!"

Behind me, I (chǎn) answer the same question, even though I (chǎn) feel hollower than before. Especially when I (chǎn) glance back and see

"Yeah, I agree with Phîi Khǎi. Chocolate cake is delicious too."

Phîi Khǎi, Phîi Khǎi! Phîi Khǎi!!! What the hell is Phîi Khǎi!

I (chǎn) do not understand. What exactly am I (chǎn) feeling towards Khun Khǎi? Sometimes my heart races, sometimes my chest feels hollow. And now I (chǎn) even feel bad just because my junior Phîi keeps calling him Phîi Khǎi!

I (chǎn) have never called him Phîi Khǎi even once!