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Perspective - Tinn Metthanun
This is the first time I have ever felt so beside myself I could die.
At first, I was surprised when Khaen called, insistently urging me to hurry back home. I was certain I hadn't done anything wrong and planned to stay a while longer.
Then because of a call from someone who rarely ever reaches out, the one titled Father, I nearly dropped everything and sped home as fast as possible. "Tinn, Father wants you to come home right this instant. Your friend Khaen is here."
I almost lose my mind, wicked thoughts swirling as I wonder if Khaen's done something to anger my family. Not that I'm wearied by him; in fact, I even love his chaotic nature. I am worried though, so worried I can't believe myself for caring about someone this much.
What have you done, Khaen-ta-lup? What have you done?
I try calling him repeatedly along the way, but his phone is off, so I can only curse continuously, slamming down on the accelerator, desperate to arrive as soon as possible. I barely slow down as the workers open the gate, and when I pull up in front of the house, I shoot out of the car. Then I can't help feeling that every worker in the house turns to look at me all at once.
"Where is Khaen?"
"Uh…he's in the master's study, Khun," says the worker closest to me, as I prepare to rush inside.
Before I can though, the person I hate most in the world steps out, holding an ice pack to his face.
"So, you're finally here?"
"What is this…? Don't tell me…" I let out a groan, unable to believe my eyes, seeing my older brother looking like he has been punched, and it seems unlikely that the troublemaker could be anyone else… but my own partner.
"There's no need to worry about me that much. It's just two punches… but your friend certainly has a mean fist."
What did you do!!! How many times have I warned you not to get involved with him? He could ruin your entire future with a single command. Damn it, you idiot!
I clench my fists, swallowing whatever fear I have and forcing my expression to remain composed, though my heart pounds with a near-mad panic as I pass by my half-brother.
As I step past though, he speaks up with a calm tone. "Do you think this is going to end easily?"
Clench.
My hands tighten even more, for I know well enough what everyone in this house sees me as, and what they see my brother as.
I am just an unworthy child who should never have been born, while Tul is the child heaven has sent to them.
"However this ends, I will never let you lay a finger on Khaen!" I say to him firmly.
Before now, I still called him 'Phii', because I care about how the rest of the household views it. Now though, I don't care. I don't care about my father, my mother, or anyone else. The only person I care about is Khaen.
The one person who has promised never to leave me, the one person who has vowed to stay by my side. Yet my answer makes Tul look at me with an expression I can't comprehend.
Then he laughs. "In the end, you're still the one who's happiest."
With that, he turns and walks away, leaving me to stare after him in confusion.
Me? The one who's happiest? Isn't he the one who's happiest right now?
The one who has everything in his grasp—parents who admire him, a family that brings him honor, a son to carry on the lineage, and the power to do anything he pleases.
He's the one who has it all, but I have only one thing… Khaen.
The thought drives me to dash toward my father's study, fearful that Khaen might impulsively do something reckless yet again. I believe with all my heart that someone like him is ready to rebuke anyone who dares to harm me…he has proven this time and again.
Knock, knock, knock.
I gather my wits, take a deep breath, knock on the door, and enter.
"...Why are you so damn biased, Uncle? Tinn's your son, too! Why the hell do you treat him like this? Do you even know what your eldest son has done to his younger brother? You probably just bury your head in work, work, work all the time! Have you ever cared about how hurt your own son is, how much he's suffered, how his own brother betrayed him? Do you even know anything at all, Uncle!!!"
[[Translator's Note: The speaker uses the informal pronoun ลุง (lung), meaning uncle, to address the character directly, establishing a tone of reproach. The polite form would typically be คุณลุง (khun lung), adding respect and formality.]]
The moment I step inside, my eyes widen because Khaen's voice leaks out—and he's cursing out my father.
Creeaak.
I push the door fully open and am met with the strangest sight of my life… my father sitting in his chair with a calm expression. In front of him stands Khaen, slamming both hands down on the desk, leaning over him and shouting so intensely that his pale cheeks are flushed with rage. He's breathing hard, as though he's been berating my father for quite some time.
"You're here, Tinn," my father says, merely turning to glance at me and greeting me with the same calm expression I've seen my whole life.
He's never behaved like other fathers. Since I can remember, my father has never held me, carried me on his shoulders, or even attended a single school event for me. He's always thrown himself into his work, ignoring my mother and everyone else. Only one person has ever made him proud enough to smile…and that's my brother.
"Ai'Tinn! About time you got here!!! I've been waiting ages, damn it. I only managed to punch your brother twice—someone like that shitty jerk deserves a full-on beating. However, the damn workers in your house held me back. Does no one here realize what a vile piece of filth he really is?!"
"Khaen, stop." I quickly step in and grip his arm, restraining him with a firm voice, because I don't want this to escalate further.
No one knows how my father will handle this, but the fact that he's risen to his current position tells me that… My father can do anything, just like his eldest son.
"I'm not stopping. I'm going to expose all the vile things your brother's done."
"Khaen!!"
"What?! Why are you snapping at me?! Tell your father what your brother did!" Instead of backing down when I warn him, he seems even more inflamed, whipping around to shout at me and pointing at my father.
I grip his arm even tighter.
Letting his anger loose like this will only end badly for him. The other side waits, calm and collected, ready to pounce if he keeps ranting like this. Does he really think my father will believe him?
"Stop it already. I'll take you home."
"No!!"
"Khaen-ta-lup!!!"
"I said no, damn it! I'm not going anywhere until this is sorted out!!!" he insists, even digging in as if he's ready for a tug-of-war with me.
However, just as I'm about to drag him away, wanting to get him as far as possible from the beast in this house, that voice speaks up. "Let him speak, Tinn… go on. I suppose I'd like to know what my eldest son has done."
"Father…" I say, barely believing my ears.
My father then adds, in that same flat tone, "I've had no chance to speak with you or your brother…. Perhaps it's time I finally listened."
I can only stare at the man I hate… No, that's not it… I don't know. I don't understand how I feel about the man who gave me life.
The man who has never spoken up, not even when Mother drove me out of the country.
"Yes! You should listen! Stop being the kind of grown-up who plays favorites!" While I stand there silent, Khaen bursts out loudly.
I expect my father to be displeased, thinking, Who does this kid with no status or standing think he is, speaking like this? My father only smiles though... a smile I have never once seen from him.
"So, go on. Tell this old uncle who plays favorites what you know."
I want to stop Khaen, knowing that no matter what he says, my father will never believe it. I can't manage to speak though. I can only swallow down feelings I thought I'd locked behind a firmly closed door. Do I still hope for my father's love? Is that even possible?
[[Translator's Note: The speaker uses the third-person pronoun ลุง (lung) for "uncle" echoing Khaen's words and the first-person pronoun ผม (phom), a polite form for males, indicating humility and respect.]]
I wonder to myself as I sit down, pulling Khaen to sit as well. Though he grumbles, he goes along with it—and then he begins.
"Did you know your son smeared Tinn's name with accusations of drug use?" Though Khaen phrases it like a question, he has no intention of letting my father answer, because he barrels on without pause.
"Or have you been so blind and deaf you haven't the slightest idea that Tul slapped Tinn with a drug-addict charge? What were you doing, letting him make Tinn into a laughingstock, being the kind of neglectful parent who kicked him out to another country? Just hearing about this makes me furious, so what kind of father could stand there and do nothing while the older brother abuses the younger like this?"
I want to laugh at the idea that I'm the "bullied kid" in Khaen's eyes, but I can't. I just look at my father's face, which has gone completely silent again. He isn't looking at me though. He's only looking at Khaen, who's now telling the rest, making my eyebrows furrow.
"Alright, I might only know a few things, but I've just seen for myself how shitty Tul really is. Do you know he sent me a picture of Tinn using drugs? Was he hoping I'd fight with Tinn, or what the hell was he thinking? I'm not sure, but why would he send someone else such horrible images of the person he supposedly loves so much? If I were anyone else—if I'd blackmailed Tinn with it, if I'd sold it to a journalist—what would have happened to Tinn?"
Khaen's voice grows louder and louder, but neither my father nor I stop him.
"It's not over! If you think it ends there, it doesn't. Just now, I got a mysterious message with a video of Tinn messing around with a woman. What, do they think I'm some clueless idiot? How could I not guess it's that shitty jerk of a brother who sent it to me? He's banking on me being angry, fighting with Tinn—or even breaking up with him, right? Well, I'll tell you one more time, I'm no fool. Does he really think I wouldn't recognize my own romantic partner's back?"
"Romantic partner?"
At that moment, I sense my father's gaze turning briefly to me, while I sit there in silence—neither contradicting nor defending myself—as I absorb what I have just heard.
What images did he send Khaen? Me... lying with a woman?
"Yeah! I'm his romantic partner, so how could I not know that Tinn has a mole in the middle of his back? Sure, the hair's the same, the build's the same, and that woman in the clip keeps saying 'Tinn, Tinn,' but I know where Tinn goes. He tells me everything. How could he be with another woman? Then, even if he cheated on me, I wouldn't care, because I already told him that whatever happens, this bloody idiot is going to trust him!"
I sit there, stunned. The anger I had felt towards my older brother for trying to ruin my relationship with Khaen disappears. Instead, I feel joy—the deepest joy that Khaen says he trusts me. I want to hug him, to assure him that I have not been with anyone else since we began seeing each other.
My father speaks up first though. "That's why you punched Tul, then?"
"Yes! How could I not be furious? He does things behind Tinn's back like some sneaky mutt—like a fucking bitch-faced loser!" Though the situation is tense, I find myself smiling… my smile widening as I watch Khaen, who's talking to my father as if they're friends of the same age.
Khaen is never afraid of anyone—never. In truth, he might be far stronger than I am.
"Is that true, Tinn?" It is the first time my father looks me in the eye, and I answer in an even tone.
"It won't matter, Father; you wouldn't believe me."
"Then why don't you try saying it?" Father asks, meeting my eyes with his own, firm stare. What I see there though is... a weariness in his eyes.
"It's true. He's been hurting me since I was young."
My father looks at me and speaks the words I can hardly believe I'm hearing.
"I'm sorry."
I am not the only one who pauses in surprise. Even Khaen glances at me, bewildered, before turning back to look at the man who, after a lifetime of standing tall, now slouches as though he's an old man left with nothing.
"I apologize for hurting you unknowingly. For staying silent all this time, while thinking I have given you everything you need… Now it seems I owe both you and Tul, doesn't it?"
"What on earth does that jerk have to do with any of this!" Khaen blurts out, annoyed that even now, Father's words imply my brother isn't at fault.
I, however, find myself asking, genuinely perplexed. "What is it I supposedly need?"
I have never thought I lacked anything—until I met Khaen.
This time, my father looks straight at me and utters a single word. "Freedom."
"Freedom?"
"Yes, freedom to make your own choices, freedom to shape your own life… freedom that neither I nor Tul have ever possessed."
The meaning escapes me. Does he want me to have freedom, and that is why he drives me away?
"I have never told you... No, I have never told anyone, have I? The only freedom I have ever had is choosing to marry Tul's mother. It was my one choice, despite everyone's objections, yet it ended in failure, leaving only a boy who bears all the consequences." At this moment, he no longer seems like a powerful businessman but a man who spends his life failing.
"I'll admit, I didn't object when Tul and your mother pushed for you to study abroad. I thought it would be good for you to experience the world. Then I didn't say anything when your mother resolved things by bringing you back after what happened. In fact, I was grateful it happened... Tinn…"
He looks into my eyes, saying something I have never known my entire life.
"Do you know, my child, that being free from expectations is the best thing?"
"I don't get it," Khaen says, though I find myself finally grasping something—something I have misunderstood my entire life—as my father continues.
"Because of that, you have the freedom to live your life. You can choose whatever path you want. No one places their hopes upon you, hoping that those hopes will slowly kill you... That's why I believed I was giving you the best thing—the very thing Tul and I will never have."
I look at my father without betraying any emotion, yet somewhere within, feelings I thought long dead are beginning to awaken.
Could he be saying that he loves me?
"Why is it always 'Tul, Tul, Tul'—when it's clear he's always had everything, while Tinn here is the one who's lost it all!" Khaen speaks up, echoing my own thoughts.
My father turns to him, offering a tired smile.
"Tul... that boy has endured more than you realize," my father tells Khaen, then turns back to me.
"I'm asking you, please, don't hold anger toward your brother. Tul has suffered enough. Not once in his life has he known happiness. I know I am to blame for never questioning what Tul has done. I know I am to blame for not protecting you. However, I want to make amends with your older brother."
I stare into my father's eyes, and although I have sworn I would never forgive any of them, something in me feels pity for this man.
"Tinn, you were born blessed with the gift of happiness. Even though you've felt suffocated for years, you have now found your own happiness. Your brother though... Tul is still trapped in endless suffering. Not once has he ever truly known what happiness feels like."
My happiness, I realize, lies in seeing my father look at Khaen and implore me.
"Hate me all you like, but please, can you forgive your brother?"
I want to refuse, to act like a child and cry out, Why must I be the one to yield? But deep down, the anger and resentment I have held for years are gradually beginning to crumble. Perhaps not today, or even soon, but something tells me I may one day forgive this man who shares my blood.
"Favoritism!" Khaen mutters bitterly, but instead I simply respond, "Alright."
"Hey, you! What the hell? Don't be soft-hearted!" I do not pay him any mind, because I already know there is something more important than revenge.
"I will do as you say, father. I only ask that you promise me one thing."
"Go ahead." As soon as father speaks, I turn to embrace the shoulder of the person who looks ready to rush forward and punch my older brother until his nose breaks, causing him to turn and look at me in confusion. Yet, I maintain my steady gaze at my father.
"Freedom." I say just one word, but father has a glimmer of understanding.
"Freedom to love whomever I choose, without anyone interfering." I reiterate, for I now understand that what I want is not for my father, mother, or brother to comprehend.
It is not about seeking attention from anyone. I simply want... one person, just one person who will understand me and stand by my side.
That person is Khaen.
I keep my steady gaze fixed on father, firmly affirming that no matter how much he forbids it, I choose to love Khaen. That makes my father... smile.
"I promise that no one will interfere, not... even your mother herself."
Father's response brings a smile to my face. I do not know what guarantees exist, but my father's smile, my father's gaze, is telling me that he will keep his promise.
"Hey, do you really want just this? Can I punch your brother's face three or four times instead? If you don't want to, I can take care of it for you." Khaen, still my lovely feather-head, turns to protest in disagreement, insisting that he will handle it, which makes my father laugh.
Father laughs in a way I have never seen before.
"So, this is the kind of person you love? It is no surprise that you love him so much that you do not care about anything else," my father says, then turns to look at Khaen intently.
He still smiles dryly.
"Please take care of my son. Help do what this old uncle, who has the bad habit of loving his children unequally, cannot do." My father says this as if joking, but I feel that he truly thinks that way, while Khaen appears to soften.
"I'm not scolding you that much."
"Heh, thanks for opening my eyes," Dad says to Khaen, but Khaen immediately shoots back.
"Then let me ask you for something."
My father pauses. From his expression, I can tell he assumes Khaen is about to ask for money or something valuable.
I'm already bracing myself though as Khaen continues: "Let me kick your eldest son between the legs. Just once, and I'll bow down to you."
Khaen's dead set on hurting my brother, oblivious to the fact that he's already taken the best revenge on my behalf. Now, no matter what my brother does, he can't make me any less happy. If he wants to see me suffer, he'll never get to see it.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that," Dad says, still protective of my brother.
Then I freeze when Dad turns to me and asks… "Tul is going to divorce Wadi… Does that make you happier, Tinn?"
I can only remain silent, the words my brother recently said flashing through my mind. Soon, there might be good news… for me.
As many times as I've wished for my brother's ruin, when Dad says these words, I feel nothing at all. No joy, no satisfaction, and no thrill. I simply look at Dad with eyes that don't understand why my brother would choose to divorce and face society's scorn for a broken marriage.
"You're always a good kid, Tinn," Dad says, as though he knows I'm not at all pleased by what I've heard.
Only then do I realize that I… take no pleasure in someone else's failure.
"That's why you're blessed with happiness, Tinn." I look at my father's face, and suddenly I stand, grabbing Khaen's arm and pulling him to face me, his expression puzzled.
He probably thinks there's more left to discuss, but for me… this is enough. "I'll take my leave… but I'll prove to you that I am capable," I say to my father, who smiles and replies,
"That's good. Having a skilled son to help is a blessing. Do your best, but don't pressure yourself… Remember that you have the freedom to choose what you want to do or not do."
With that, he finishes, and I pull the still-ranting Khaen out of my father's office. The last thing I see is my father reaching into a drawer to take out a framed photograph.
I don't know what the photo is, but I realize that my father is just a man who… can cry.
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