"Won't you stay for your graduation?"
"I won't even be here for the exams, how can I stay for the graduation?"
At Suvarnabhumi Airport, the gateway to the country, Kon Hin stopped walking just before the entrance. He turned around and met the eyes of the two people who had come to see him off. It wasn’t Khun Tul, nor anyone from his family, but his close friends who knew everything: Nakrob and Rose.
Kon Hin smiled at his big friend, whose eyes were slightly red, before looking over at the beautiful woman who was hastily wiping away tears.
In reality, Kon Hin hadn’t officially completed his undergraduate degree yet because he hadn’t even entered the exam week.
Thanks to Khun Trai’s intervention though, he had arranged for all of Kon Hin’s professors this semester to allow him to take the exams ahead of his peers, under different conditions. This meant he could consider his exams done. As for the paperwork, Khun Trai would take care of it later.
So, graduation wasn’t something Kon Hin would be attending. He wouldn’t even be around when his classmates finished their studies.
As for why he was in such a hurry, it was simple: Kon Hin wanted to leave as quickly as possible.
He didn’t want to see Tul by Wadi’s side, nor did he want to destroy the beautiful world they had built together. He couldn’t stay here anymore. He couldn’t remain in Thailand because it was too close, too painful.
Initially, he had intended to apply for a scholarship on his own, but Khun Trai had generously offered to cover all the expenses for him.
Kon Hin didn’t know if he would ever be able to repay this kindness. Not to mention the situation with his parents.
He didn’t even get a chance to explain to them why he had to leave the house in such a hurry. But because of Khun Trai’s request, his parents didn’t scold him. They just told him to do everything to the best of his ability, just like he always had.
"When will you come back?"
"...I don't know," Kon Hin paused briefly before responding with a sad smile, which caused Nakrob to grab his friend's arm tightly.
"Don't tell me you're just going to leave and disappear."
Kon Hin couldn’t speak, because that was exactly what he had been thinking.
"Ai Hin, why didn't you tell me about something this important?" Nakrob protested, his face flushed as he squeezed his friend’s hand even tighter.
"Even if you have problems with... him, you’re not going to cut me off too, right?" Nakrob swallowed hard, visibly anxious.
He had always thought of his friend as soft-hearted, just following orders, but seeing Kon Hin now, after making decisions on his own, had made him realize how different things had become. It was as if Kon Hin had turned into an entirely different person.
"You'll always be my friend."
"Don’t talk like you're going to disappear for good."
Kon Hin just smiled at his friend, not answering because that too was exactly what he was thinking.
He had no idea what kind of impact he would have on Khun Tul’s family in the future. Therefore, he felt that he shouldn’t stay here if he wanted Khun Tul to have a complete family.
Father, mother, and a little child.
See? There was no place for him.
“You’re making it too complicated. I won’t cut ties with you.”
Nakrob didn’t believe a word from Kon Hin. It seemed that as soon as he passed through the door, he would erase every contact from his phone, cutting himself off from Thailand, from the people here, from the ones who had just announced their upcoming wedding as soon as graduation was over.
Nakrob was furious. He stormed over to find Ai Tul, but the sight of the groom-to-be, who had lost everything, made him realize that it wasn’t just Kon Hin who was dead inside. It was as if Ai Tul didn’t even know how to breathe anymore.
The two of them loved each other, but they couldn’t be together.
That was the conclusion Nakrob reached.
“P'Hin, you have to send us news back, okay? I swear I won’t tell that jerk." Rose grabbed Kon Hin’s other arm, squeezing tightly, pleading through her tears.
“Don’t call him that, please.”
“But…”
“Let’s pretend you never knew anything, and see him as the senior you once respected… okay?” Even though he had to leave, Kon Hin still cared about the same man, without change.
He stared at his younger sister until Rose nodded slowly and then turned to look at Nakrob.
"Ai Rob."
"I can't give it to you."
It's no surprise that Tul and Ai Rob are friends, because their personalities are so similar. Look, even before I could speak, he interrupted me.
But Kon Hin didn’t listen either.
"Don't cut him off. He may be a man who doesn't show his feelings, but he's lonely. He doesn't have anyone he can truly call a friend, except for you. Please, I beg you, continue being his friend," Kon Hin pleaded, his eyes clearly showing his concern for the person who wasn't standing here.
"I... I will try," Nakrob promised.
When both of them agreed to help with his final request, Kon Hin took a step back and smiled at them.
"Please tell him... I want him to be happy."
This was the only wish Kon Hin had ever wanted, from childhood to adulthood.
He just wanted Tul to be happy. Even if it meant he had to leave, it didn’t matter.
Rose quietly cried, unlike Kon Hin, who raised his hand to wave one last time and turned to walk through the door. As he left, Nakrob lifted his arm to cover his face, trying to hide the tears, while Rose wept softly for the man she loved, to make that person's world complete.
Kon Hin smiled through his tears and whispered to the wind: "I hope you find happiness."
~~~
The news about the youngest son of the Metthanun family faded away with the wind, just like the young man who was sent abroad once again.
This time though, it felt as though the entire world had betrayed him, leaving only the bitterness he held against his older brother.
The scandalous news was replaced with the happy announcement between the beautiful young woman from a well-established family, Napawadi, and the eldest heir of Metthanun, Tul.
This news caused quite a stir in society, as the young couple decided to marry immediately after graduation. Despite rumors that the bride was pregnant, causing the hasty wedding, no one spoke ill of it. In fact, when they saw the harmony between the two, it only added to their approval.
Once again, Rasa boldly raised her head in society, but this time as... the perfect step-mother of Tul.
The only way for her to maintain her position now was to cling to Tul as tightly as she could.
Everything went as Tul had wished ten years ago.
Tul was the rightful heir in everyone's eyes.
Tul was the perfect man, with a beautiful woman like Wadi by his side.
Tul was the man the Metthanun family could never turn their back on.
Tul rose above everyone who had once looked down on him.
But the Tul now was a man without a heart.
"You should smile at your bride."
"Ai Rob."
It's hard to believe, but the person who was the best man at Tul's wedding was Nakrob. The best man reprimanded the groom for not smiling throughout the entire morning ceremony.
"Do you know where he is?"
"I don't know. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."
Tul turned back to look at his friend, allowing Nakrob to see the tears in his eyes, then turned his gaze to the sky again, slowly standing up.
"Is that so?"
"Is that all? Is that all you want to ask about him?" Nakrob growled in frustration, but Tul simply smiled at him.
It was a smile devoid of any mask, as though the pretentious facade had been completely shattered.
A smile that was heartbreakingly sad.
A smile that said his lover was gone.
"Ai Tul."
Knock knock
"Phii Tul, may I come in?"
Before Nakrob could say anything, Napawadi knocked on the door and peeked her face in with an awkward smile.
"Why did you come here, Wadi? Don’t walk around too much, the doctor warned you," Tul rushed to support the young woman lovingly, speaking with a gentle tone, which made the bride smile sweetly.
"Khun Mother is asking for you. May I borrow you for a moment, Phii Tul?"
Nakrob watched in disbelief as the person he reluctantly called a friend changed before his eyes.
Just a moment ago, Tul looked like he was about to die, but once Napawadi entered, he transformed into the perfect groom in an unbelievable way. Nakrob could only watch as Tul pushed Wadi out of the room and then turned to meet his gaze.
Click!
In that instant, Nakrob stood frozen in shock.
Tul smiled at him, tears welling up in his eyes.
"Because he asked me to do this."
Not only did he not want to be found, but he also wanted to make this fake family seem happy.
Nakrob could only stand there in silence before rubbing his face roughly.
"I think you'd be better off killing him alive, more than Ai Hin."
He thought that, whether it was Tul or Kon Hin, both of them were sinking into the abyss of suffering together.
After Tul married Napawadi, he fully entered the management of the Metthanun Group, dedicating himself to work without regard for exhaustion. He expanded the existing business, and within just a few months, he had built a reputation as a promising young businessman who achieved success quickly.
People joked that he should spend more time with his beautiful wife, to which Tul replied with a gentle smile...
"I want to work hard for my wife and the son who is about to be born."
Everyone saw Tul as the devoted son, the capable child of Trai, but no one knew that he did all these things like a robot. He woke up in the morning, went to work, came home in the evening, and played the role of the perfect husband, worrying about both his wife and child. He did this every day, until today.
The day he cradled the little red-faced boy who had just come out of his mother’s womb.
The moment he looked into the boy’s jet-black eyes, identical to Napawadi’s, he saw another man looking back at him—the man who told him that this child was the reason why Tul still endured life after losing everything. His hands were trembling, his eyes burning, and Tul hugged the crying boy tightly.
This child was the reason he still chose to live. This child must not grow up to be a miserable person like him. This child must have both love and a complete family. This child was the reason his love had walked away. This child...
"Phupha."
The name that left Tul’s trembling lips.
A name that, when anyone asked why he chose it, Tul would smile with sincerity.
"Because he is the unwavering love I gave to someone."
Napawadi’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and Rasa was delighted with the heartwarming response.
Everyone admired Tul, but only a few knew why this child was named Phupha.
Pathapee and Phupha.
The name wasn’t given after the mother or the family name, but rather... from Tul’s own heart.
This child, to whom Tul would devote his love to make up for the things he never did for anyone else.
“If you want me to take care of this child, I will do as you ask.”
The weight of the little child in his arms was the same weight that rested on his shoulders, binding him to the promise made by the lover who turned away.
Tul cried for the innocent little boy who forced him onto this path, cried for the weight in his hands, cried for the things he could not undo, cried for the karma that followed him like a rocket, turning the rest of his life into a living death.
The image of his son, left as nothing but an empty vessel, made Trai hold back tears every night.
Why was there no happiness for any man in the Metthanun family?
Why?
~~~
Education wasn’t a problem for Kon Hin, even though he was studying for a master's degree abroad. What Kon Hin had to adjust to was the completely new living environment.
Hin had always followed one man, and now, having to make decisions on his own became a challenge, as did... the loneliness at night.
During the day, there were many things to occupy Kon Hin’s time, but at night, he could only sit, staring at his phone and gently tracing the pen inscribed with "T.M." for hours.
Kon Hin would sit with his sorrow, letting the hands of the clock pass into a new day—two AM, three AM, until dawn. Only then did Kon Hin realize, wiping away tears that he had to do this every single day. The word "missing" could not even describe the feelings he had at that moment.
The past eight months, Kon Hin had lived like a man without a heart.
“He must have been born already, right?”
The past eight months had gone just as Nakrob had predicted. The moment Kon Hin left Thailand, he discarded his old SIM card and erased all contact numbers, so he would not be tempted to call back to Thailand for news about the one he loved. For if he did that, if he knew the other was suffering, if he knew the other was in pain, he would fly back without hesitation.
So, Kon Hin lived by cutting off everything, even if it meant severing his own heart.
He did not know about Tul's wedding. He did not know about the little child in the womb. He chose to study at a university with almost no other Thais, and even when he met other Thais, he avoided socializing with his countrymen to block out any news.
Now, he could only guess that the little child must have been born by now.
“What did Khun Tul name him?”
It may have been a strange sight to see Kon Hin talking to a pen, but he did it to prevent himself from going insane.
“Will he look like Khun Tul? If he has the same eyes as you, that would be nice. Your eyes are beautiful. Your nose is sharp, your lips are well-shaped. If he... hic... takes after you, he must be... another... very handsome child…” Kon Hin whispered, knowing that his eyes were hot, and he took a deep breath.
“Please be a good child. Please be a healthy child. And please... help your father, okay?”
"Please help Khun Tul never feel lonely again. Help fill the empty heart."
Kon Hin prayed to the stars in the sky as he did every night.
"Please let Khun Tul be happy."
Please, I would exchange everything in my life so that this man could have happiness for the rest of his life.
Kon Hin would gladly die alone if it meant the happiness of the person in Thailand.
The thoughts of the person who pressed his forehead against that pen and sobbed with all his might.
Would there ever be a day when he wouldn’t shed tears... that day would never come.
~~~
As the stars sparkled across the sky, the eldest son, the pride of the Metthanun family, sat at his desk. In his hand was a smooth black stone, rolling between his palms. His eyes were distant, and his lips formed the faintest of smiles, as if lost in a dream from which he did not want to wake.
Tul saw the image of the day when he and Kon Hin walked together on a long stretch of beach.
On that beach, there were only the three, him, Kon Hin, and the stone in his hand.
That day, Kon Hin had said he was just a worthless stone that Tul could throw away whenever he wanted.
Strangely, Tul had kept that stone. He put it in his drawer and started carrying it with him after Kon Hin left. The weight of that stone, which Hin thought was worthless, had helped keep him grounded, making him a person until today.
Tul closed his eyes. Behind his eyelids was a dream he did not want to wake from.
He could even hear the sound of the waves and the deep voice saying "I love you" echoing in his mind.
The image was so vivid that Tul could feel the warmth of the body against his own.
"Phii Tul?"
Gasp!
However, Tul jolted awake. The sharp features of the person who had been shyly smiling disappeared, replaced by the sweet and beautiful face of Napawadi, who wrapped her arms around his shoulders and leaned in close. Tul sat upright, trying to control his sudden shock, gently pulling Wadi's arm off.
"What is it, Wadi?"
"What are you doing, Phii Tul?" Wadi asked, her eyes following Tul's moving hands with curiosity.
"Nothing," Tul said, smiling as he dropped the stone into his pocket, standing up to avoid the young woman sitting on his lap. He pretended not to notice her embarrassed expression.
"And the baby?" Tul asked.
"Tonight, Niwadee asked Auntie Klin to help watch him," the slender woman said, shyly glancing up at him with a meaningful look.
"Auntie Klin said she would watch him until morning."
"If you're tired, Wadi, I can watch the baby tonight," Tul said, still pretending not to notice, acting as though he was about to leave the room to find the head cook, who was probably in the children's room next door.
Thud!
"No, Phii Tul!" Napawadi cried, grabbing Tul’s arm. Her face turned bright red as she hastily explained, unsure how to begin. "Auntie Klin said she really wants to help tonight."
Right now, Phupha was three months old, but they had not gone further than light kisses on the forehead or cheek. Napawadi was growing anxious, especially after her friend had been telling her that husbands often had affairs when their wives were pregnant.
And look at Phii Tul.
He was so handsome and capable, so much so that she was even afraid to walk into the company, let alone think about what might happen outside.
Tonight, she had summoned all her courage to tease him first.
Before this, she had tried to convince herself that the reason Phii Tul hadn't touched her was because she had just recently given birth, and she wasn't sure if her body was back to normal yet. Now though, it had been three months, and her friend had said it was abnormal.
What man would not want his wife?
This thought caused the young woman to press herself into his embrace, whispering, "Phii Tul... you can, right?"
"What can I do?"
"Well... I mean... it’s..." Wadi lowered her head, blushing, trying her best.
"...Well... about that... you know... uh... like that," she stammered.
Tul was almost ready to walk out of the room, but...
"Promise, won't you, that you will try?”
He heard the voice of the person far away rising in his head, and the weight in his pants pocket made Tul give a smile to his beautiful wife.
He changed from pulling his hand away to holding her hand and leading her to the bed, at which Wadi's expression shifted from awkwardness to extreme excitement, especially when Tul pushed the woman to lie flat on the bed.
"Wadi, close your eyes," a soft, deep voice coaxed from above, urging the woman to obediently close her eyes."
Then, the rustling sound as Tul took off Napawadi's nightgown turned into a soft, sweet moan. Her slender body writhed on the bed in a state of intense arousal, responding to his lips that scattered kisses all over her legs. She moved in response to his hand that caressed her body, stirring her desire throughout her entire being.
"P'Tul, ha, P'Tul."
The moans echoed throughout the room, especially when Tul used his mouth to pamper her to her heart's content. His long fingers entered the narrow passage, moving rapidly until the young woman's body turned bright red, moaning incoherently, her body twitching until she arched towards her husband's mouth, finishing with his hands and mouth.
“Phii Tul.”
The young woman slowly opened her eyes and called out, hoping that he would lie down on top of her, but Tul only gently brushed the sweat-dampened hair from his wife’s face and then leaned down to whisper in her ear.
“Wadi, don’t pressure yourself. You’ve just given birth to Phupha. I’m worried. I don’t want you to tire yourself out too much.” Tul smiled at her and pressed a loving kiss to her smooth forehead, silencing any protests and making them swallow back to their original place.
From Wadi’s confused expression, it changed to a sweet smile of deep gratitude.
“I’m going to take a shower, okay? Then I’ll go pick up Phupha and take care of him. Auntie Klin’s getting old and can’t handle a three-month-old baby,” Tul said in his final sentence before stepping into the bathroom without looking back.
While the young wife’s face turned bright red, thinking that he wanted to cherish her so much that he had to relieve himself in the bathroom instead of taking his desire out on her, she hurriedly dressed herself so that she could go pick up Phupha herself, not wanting the person who had worked all day to be overworked. Little did she know, the moment the door closed behind him…
Thwump!
Tul collapsed onto the bathroom floor in exhaustion, his head leaning against the door behind him. His hand reached up and grabbed that rock, just as his vision blurred.
“Do I have to do this?”
Thwump!
Tears fell from his eyes as Tul gripped the rock tightly.
“Is this what you want me to do?”
If this is the rock's desire, even if it goes against his will, even if he doesn’t want to breathe, he must endure it.
This is the karmic result that has caught up with him.
Sniffle, sniffle... eek.
Tul continued to hold the rock close to his chest, crying in the bathroom, the most tormented he had ever been in his life.
If Tul is like the entire world, then the rock must leave so the world can remain.
The rock is like breath; without breath… Tul dies, yet lives.
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