Tul Metthanun was a man who woke early. No matter how late he stayed up, he would still wake at the same time. Thus, even though last night he had fallen asleep in a drunken stupor, the mixed-heritage young man woke before the person lying beside him on the same bed. He almost reached out to pull the warm body into a tight embrace, but the soft figure and the fragrant, silky hair made Tul awaken fully, jumping out of bed in a state of shock.
"Mm..."
The young man’s eyes widened as he stared at the head covered in jet-black hair, which moved slightly. The voice that came from under the blanket was sweet and soft, rather than hoarse and low. Both his hands clenched into fists as a wave of fear surged through his body. His long legs moved closer to the bed again, and he extended his hand to grasp the edge of the blanket, taking a deep breath before slowly pulling it down.
The moment he saw what lay beneath, Tul almost collapsed on the spot.
“Uh... P’Tul...”
The person who had been sleeping with him all night was not Kon Hin but Napawadi!
The beautiful woman blinked her eyes open and gave him a shy smile. Her hands gripped the edge of the blanket tightly, her cheeks flushed crimson with both embarrassment and timidity. When her large, round eyes drifted downward and noticed that Tul was still completely naked, Wadi quickly pulled the blanket over herself.
“G-good morning...”
Although Napawadi had been raised in a sheltered manner, it did not mean she was entirely naive about matters of intimacy. She had heard things from friends and those around her, and the culture surrounding her wasn’t devoid of such topics either.
She had been so constrained by strict rules that when she lost her virginity to her lover before marriage, she cried uncontrollably. Yet, she only knew she loved him, so wasn’t it natural to be intimate with her romantic partner? Was that not right?
On the contrary, she found it exhilarating. She had never imagined that P’Tul could transform into an entirely different person in bed, but it did not make her feel bad in the least.
What Napawadi felt now was nothing but embarrassment, rather than regret.
It was the opposite for Tul.
The man remained standing motionless in the same spot, making no effort to cover his body. Both hands trembled slightly, his eyes shrouded in darkness. His lips pressed tightly together before he closed his eyes in helpless despair.
What had he done?
At this moment, the only person Tul thought of was not the woman who had lain with him last night, but the image of the tears of another man who was...with another woman!
“Wadi.”
“Yes?” Her large, round eyes peeked out from beneath the blanket as she responded shyly.
“I’m sorry for what happened last night. I don’t want to excuse it by blaming the alcohol, but if you are upset, Wadi...”
“No, I’m not upset!” she blurted out hastily, her voice full of embarrassment.
“After all, we are romantic partners...aren’t we?”
Tul forced a smile, stepped forward, and stroked her head affectionately.
“Thank you. Last night was the best birthday gift...” He clenched his teeth tightly.
“...I’ve ever had.”
Napawadi nodded sweetly, prompting Tul to pat her head twice more before standing up.
“I’ll go take a shower first.”
“Yes, P’Tul. I need to call home, too. I told them I was staying over at a friend’s place in case I got back late.”
Tul didn’t listen to what Napawadi said next. His long legs carried him straight into the bathroom. He headed directly for the shower, turning the water on at full blast and the hottest temperature, as if the scalding heat could cleanse everything off him. His hands scrubbed his skin forcefully, his face filled with disgust and revulsion.
“Get off me!”
Bang!
He slammed his fist against the bathroom wall, then banged his forehead against it as well. His sharp eyes shut tightly, allowing the scalding water to pour over him from head to toe.
He was so repulsed that he wanted to vomit. At this point, Tul no longer knew if he was disgusted with Wadi as a woman or himself for sleeping with her. He truly did not know. All he knew was an unbearable itch crawling all over him, as if something was squirming incessantly. Both hands scrubbed his body harder and harder, until his skin turned a furious red, scrubbing to erase the scent and touch from before.
The touch that overlapped with someone else’s.
“What the bloody hell have I done!”
Tul roared in anguish. He should have been happy that even after shedding his mask, Napawadi could accept him for who he was. Yet Tul wanted none of it. The only thing he could see was the tears of the person who had declared their love for him—the person who was...with someone else.
Bang!
When Tul realized what had caused him to lose his composure, he quickly grabbed a towel to wrap around himself. He exited the bathroom so hastily that the door slammed loudly against the wall. Without sparing a moment for thought, he reached for the clothes piled by the bed, dressing in a rush. He paid no attention to the woman who was now awkwardly dressed and sitting in bewilderment on the bed.
"P'Tul, is something wrong?"
"Wadi, the company called. There’s an issue I have to deal with immediately. Can you get home on your own?" Tul’s tone was hurried, making Napawadi's face fall in disappointment. Still, she nodded.
"I brought my car."
Her dejected demeanor prompted Tul to step closer, where he hesitated before pressing a kiss to her forehead as if out of obligation.
"I'm really sorry."
"It’s fine, P'Tul. I understand."
As soon as she assured him, Tul forced a smile and then left the luxurious suite, almost sprinting out without glancing back at the beautiful woman even once. He didn’t care if he hurt her feelings by not tending to her after what had transpired between them. His mind was consumed with fury and anxiety, leaving no room for anyone else’s emotions.
All he could think was that he wouldn’t let Kon Hin be with someone else. He wouldn’t let anyone else touch him.
If Tul saw Kon Hin in bed with that junior, he would kill them both with his bare hands!
Fueled by this thought, Tul slammed his foot on the accelerator, speeding his large Japanese car toward Nakrob's house. At the same time, he repeatedly tried calling Kon Hin, only to grow angrier when the call failed to connect.
The phone was off.
Tul’s panic intensified. His anger burned hotter, and his mind spiraled further into chaos.
"Ai Rob, open the door for me right now!!!"
As soon as Tul parked in front of the house, he ignored all manners, honked the horn loudly, and stood shouting to the house without a care for his image. But when there was no movement from inside, he marched straight to the doorbell and rang it repeatedly, disregarding any respect for the homeowner.
All he cared about now was where the hell Kon Hin was!
"Oh, wow, Khun-chai Tul, you're giving me the honor of visiting me at my house?" Nakrob walked out of the house with a smirk, greeting him in a teasing, annoying manner.
"Bloody damn Rob, open the door!" Tul commanded in a sharp tone.
"Why the hell should I? I'm not your servant."
"Where the hell is Kon Hin?" Tul ignored the taunting expression and shouted loudly.
"I don’t know. I’m not his mother."
"Where the hell is Kon Hin!" Tul shouted again, and Nakrob smirked coldly.
"I. Don’t. Know."
"Ai Rob!!!"
The two men stared each other down, neither willing to back down. This made Tul evilly give a malicious smile, pulling out his phone to dial someone, then speaking in a chilling voice.
"Find the second-year business management student named Rose and do whatever it takes to get that kid expelled from the university."
"Ai fucking Tul!" Nakrob's eyes widened as he shouted back in anger.
Tul didn't even glance at him.
"Any method. Cheating on exams, drug use, messing with boys, humiliating her until she has no place in society." The young man continued speaking coldly into the phone, which made Nakrob lose his composure.
"Don't use these damn underhanded methods!"
Crash!
The moment Nakrob unlocked the gate and leaped out to punch Tul in the face, the mixed-heritage young man was faster. He shoved the larger man, causing him to stumble and crash into the gate, which swung wide open. Without a second thought, Tul rushed into Nakrob's house, ignoring the homeowner's furious shouting.
"Don't think I’ll let you do to me what you did to Kon Hin... Hey!"
As Nakrob charged toward him in a blind rage, Tul threw his phone away in the other direction, causing Nakrob's eyes to widen in panic. He lunged toward the phone, where someone on the other end could possibly ruin his younger friend's future, giving Tul the opportunity to rush into the house.
But when he checked the screen... It was empty.
"Ai damn Tul!"
Realizing he'd been tricked, Nakrob shouted loudly and rushed after his bloody damn friend into his own house. But he was too late. Tul had already sprinted upstairs and was opening each door, searching through the rooms in the most despicable manner.
"Ai Hin isn't here!" Nakrob yelled, his eyes wide in disbelief as Tul reached the last door at the end of the hall and slammed it open.
"Fucking hell!"
Nakrob cursed irritably as Tul stood still in front of the door. He thought he would see that mocking smile again, but the sharp eyes that turned back to him were still filled with a murderous intensity, as if capable of killing.
"Where is that woman?"
The listener's anger slowly turned into confusion, as he had thought Tul was here to take the unconscious woman on the bed back. But Tul instead asked about another junior. Soon enough, Nakrob sneered and said, feeling satisfied:
"Do you think Kon Hin's as vile as you?"
Rose had told him what she had said to Tul, which made Nakrob feel even more delighted.
Now, Tul would realize that he's not the only one with the right to choose. Kon Hin had that right too.
"I'm going to tell you this, Tul. You're not the only one who can have someone else. Kon Hin has someone else who likes him too. But let me do you a favor by saying that my friend is too good for someone like you. He's too good to be the husband of a piece of shit like you. Kon Hin wouldn't even touch Rose. He's a good person. A good person in a way that you’re not worthy of. If you think you're going to smear him with your own dirt, sorry, my friend isn't as trashy as you."
Bang!
Crash!
"Ai damn Tul!"
As soon as Nakrob finished speaking, Tul slammed the door in his face and locked it, ignoring the homeowner’s loud shouts and furious pounding on the door, yelling not to do anything to Kon Hin.
Tul simply walked up to the bed in the guest bedroom of Nakrob's house, staring at the person still lying still despite the shouting match between the two men. He reached out with a trembling hand to gently touch his cheek, running his fingers through his dark hair.
The state of Kon Hin could only be described by one word: dilapidated. His sharp features were pale, devoid of any color, and his eyes were swollen shut as if he had cried heavily. His skin was rough, and the smell of alcohol from his clothes filled the air, a scent so strong that Tul could smell it clearly. All of this only conveyed one thing: he was unrecognizable.
In just one day, Kon Hin had gone from the man he knew to someone who seemed to have lost everything.
Tul suddenly collapsed onto the floor beside the bed, utterly drained. He reached out and held Kon Hin’s hand tightly, resting his head against the mattress.
He hadn’t been with that junior.
This thought made his anger evaporate in an instant, leaving him weak in the legs. But at the same time, guilt overwhelmed him, making it hard to breathe. He should have known Kon Hin better. He should have understood why Kon Hin had allowed Wadi to seek him out instead of going himself. Even though he should have understood, the feeling of jealousy—something so vile—had clouded his judgment, making him do the worst thing possible.
He had slept with that woman.
The anger that Kon Hin was with someone else and the torment of thinking he had given him to Wadi made Tul lose his mind in a way he had never experienced before. And when he found out that Kon Hin had been with no one, he felt both relieved and... as though he wanted to die.
Tul should have realized that this wasn’t his fault. He and Kon Hin were nothing to each other. He could sleep with anyone he wanted to, especially with a woman who was set to become the future lady of Metthanun. But right now...
Tul was drowning in torment, burning with inner flames that almost consumed him to ash.
At that moment, Tul felt guilty for the person lying before him.
He was just a servant, wasn’t he? So why did it feel this way?
Why did he feel as though he had killed Kon Hin, both alive and dead at the same time?
"I’m sorry."
At last, Tul spoke in a voice that seemed on the verge of breaking.
"I’m sorry, Kon Hin. I’m sorry."
If Kon Hin knew that he had slept with Napawadi, Tul could already see the tears he didn’t want to shed.
"Khun Tul?"
Gasp!
The sensation of a tight grip that hurt made the man who had been crying and heavily intoxicated slowly open his eyes. At first, Kon Hin seemed confused, staring through blurry vision at the hand gripping his, unsure of who was holding it. But the familiar touch, the scent, and the warmth that met his body made his eyes widen.
Why was Khun Tul sitting by his bed?
And where was Khun Wadi?
In the same instant, Kon Hin remembered why he was so drunk, why he had been crying uncontrollably, unable to act like a proper person. It was because yesterday was the day his Chao-nai had been with Napawadi.
This thought nearly caused the man who had just woken up to die from shock, and it was the first time Kon Hin...
He yanked his hand away with all his might, quickly retreating to the other side of the bed, staring at his Chao-nai with wide, terrified eyes.
"Ai Hin?" Tul froze, unable to believe what he was seeing as Kon Hin tried to distance himself in fear.
The pain was unbearable.
The moment Kon Hin acted as though he didn’t want to be near him, Tul felt as though someone was squeezing his heart until it shattered.
"Khun Tul, how did you end up here? And where is Khun Wadi? Yesterday... Yesterday was your birthday, wasn’t it? Happy belated birthday, Khun Tul. No, I should say congratulations on having Khun Wadi as your girlfriend now. I hope you liked the gift I gave you. You must have been happy last night, right?"
"I thought I did what you wanted... um, Khun Wadi asked me to help... and then..."
Kon Hin didn’t even know what he was saying. Everything kept spinning, as if he just blurted out whatever came to his mind. His eyes burned with every passing second. Just the thought of Tul with another woman made him want to vanish from this room, to escape the gaze of the other man.
He was about to cry again.
This thought made Kon Hin ball his fist and press it against his mouth, afraid that his true feelings would slip out. His tall frame hunched over, pressing his forehead into the soft bedding, struggling to breathe as if he couldn’t get enough air.
The sight of him in such agony made Tul snap out of his thoughts. He sprang onto the bed and pulled his closest person into his embrace.
"Calm down, Ai Hin, calm down."
"Le...let go! Let go of me! Don’t hug me!" This was the first time Kon Hin had resisted so strongly, pushing Tul’s shoulders away with force.
"Let me go, don’t mess with me..."
"Ai Hin, calm down first, look at me."
"No, let go! Let go..." The image in front of him became blurry from the large tears that welled up in his eyes, and that caused Tul to yell loudly.
"Ai Hin, look at me!"
Thud.
Kon Hin's tear fell and touched his cheek, his body trembling. He shook his head violently, pleading as if he was about to lose his breath.
"Please, let me go. I can't take it anymore."
These words almost made Tul lose consciousness. The anger flared up in his chest once more, and his hands gripped Kon Hin's shoulders tightly, shaking him forcefully, then shouting in fury.
"Don't think you can escape from me! I will never let you go, do you hear me? I will never allow it!!!"
"But Khun Tul already has Khun Wadi!"
In that instant, Kon Hin, who had never raised his voice to his Chao-nai before, shouted back. He lifted his tear-streaked face and looked at Tul, who was stunned by the unexpected outburst.
No, Ai Hin. Don’t. Stop right now.
"I can't take it anymore, Khun Tul. I can't stand it any longer. I can't stand seeing you with Khun Wadi. It hurts, it’s tormenting. I have feelings too, Khun Tul. I can't stand seeing the one I love with someone else. It hurts here... here! Can you hear me? I love you! And it hurts!"
Kon Hin knew that what he said could never be taken back, but for some reason, he couldn’t stop himself this time. At the same time, he grabbed Tul's hand and pressed it against his own chest.
"You can do anything to me, punch me, hit me, strike me— I won't cry. I'd rather let you torture me until I die than see you with someone else. I can't stand seeing the one I love with someone else! I can't take it anymore! Hic...hic."
Kon Hin then lowered his face to press his forehead into Tul's hand, just as he had done with Rose the previous night. But this time, there were fewer tears, yet the torment in his heart was immense and indescribable. It made him feel as though he were underwater, looking up only to see utter darkness. He was sinking further and further into that terrifying abyss... all alone.
"I love you... I... Khun Tul, I love you. I can't bear seeing you with someone else. I can't... I can't..."
Kon Hin trembled all over, leaning into Tul's hand in anguish.
"Please, let me go... Please... let me go..."
Snap!
The moment Kon Hin begged through his tears, Tul suddenly pulled his body into a tight embrace.
He held him close, ignoring the slight resistance of the sobbing person who seemed on the verge of collapsing. He simply hugged him tightly, his eyes red and burning with intensity.
"No!"
Hic...hic...hic.
The answer made Kon Hin break down completely, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to hold back any longer.
Would he never escape this torment?
This thought made Tul hold Kon Hin even tighter, as though trying to sink deeper beneath his embrace.
"I will never let you go, never!"
Tul could feel the tremors of the person in his arms, the one who had collapsed against his chest, utterly defeated. He could feel the pain radiating from him, overwhelming his own heart, and in a soft, gentle whisper, he continued:
"I'm sorry."
"I can't take it anymore... I... hic... No..."
"I really can't let you go," Tul spoke again, his voice trembling as he refused to release the one trying to leave him. There would never be a moment when he would.
"Wadi is the one who will give me everything in the future."
Hic...hic Kon Hin shook his head, not wanting to hear any more. He already knew, but Tul insisted on saying words that felt like they would kill him.
"That woman is what I’ve been missing. Pure blood, an ancient family. Wadi is that woman."
Kon Hin felt like he was dying. He was already dying.
"And you, you're just the servant's child. You can't give me what I need."
Does Khun Tul really want to kill him?
Kon Hin lamented, still held tightly in Tul's embrace, his tears soaking into the other's shirt, and no one cared to wipe them away. And then, at that moment...
"But to hell with the damn family!"
The person, on the verge of death, lifted his head in disbelief. And then, he saw it... the red, swollen eyes of the man he loved.
"Who Wadi is, who you are, I don't care anymore. All I know is I can't let you go. Kon Hin, don't leave me. Don't go anywhere..." Tul closed his eyes, and the man who had harbored hatred for a lifetime let his tears fall onto his cheek. But these were not tears of frustration. They were tears of fear.
"My life can't be without you, Kon Hin. I can't live without you."
This was the first time Tul had spoken his true desires.
"Don't leave me. Please."
Tul lifted his head, gazing into the eyes of the stunned man, then reached out to wipe his tears away. He moved his hand to the back of Kon Hin's neck, pulling him close, their foreheads gently touching, lips brushing against each other as he whispered:
"Please don't leave me."
Even Kon Hin, who had known this man all his life, never expected to hear those words.
"If I don’t have you, what is there for me to live for? There's no one in this world who makes me want to keep breathing like you do. You're the only one who’s kept me alive all this time. Don't go, because without you... I won’t have the strength to breathe." Tul whispered in a tortured voice, revealing the truth he had always thought—no one wanted him.
The only person in the world who needed him, and whom he needed, was Kon Hin.
It was him, and if he disappeared, how could Tul go on living?
"Please, I beg you."
"But..."
Although Kon Hin wanted to embrace the other man, he had been hurt too much. He had suffered to the point where he could no longer bear the sight of Tul with someone else.
"I'm going to break up with Wadi."
Suddenly, Tul made a loud declaration, causing Kon Hin's eyes to widen in disbelief, staring at him as if he couldn't believe his ears.
"But Wadi is everything."
"No! It's you who’s everything!" Tul immediately retorted, then buried his face in Kon Hin's thigh.
"Even without Wadi, if I have you, I can do anything."
That woman, with her high status, was no match for the servant's child who only had his heart to give. And Tul thought he had been a fool for choosing this path, because love was a lie, a rot, something people had fabricated. But this time, Tul chose the 'love' of Kon Hin.
Especially when the man he was closest to smiled through his tears, reaching out to grab his arm.
The man who asked...
"Can I love you?"
Tul had only one answer.
"If you don't love me, I'll kill you."
Tul realized that he desired nothing but the man named Pathapee. Perhaps he always had.
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