Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
Graphic did not know what he should feel now. Happy, sad, disappointed, or hurt.
He truly did not know how to feel when he met the gaze of the sharp eyes he had been missing for many months. Because he had waited. He had used up his last hope. Now he had no hope left. Meanwhile, the heart that had been weak for ten years said... enough. I will not be repeatedly hurt by a person like this again, Graphic thought.
No matter what tone he used or what words he said, this Graphic... was done.
You miss me? If you truly missed me, you would not have let so much time go to waste.
He lay waiting in the hospital, hoping every day to see the person who occupied every molecule of his feelings. He hoped the other would step through the door frame he watched every day, give the same old smile, and call him a stubborn youth. But there was nothing. No matter the day, no matter the minute, no matter which deity he begged, this Satan never came to visit him.
So why come and say you miss me now?
If you think I would be so happy that I would rush into a tight hug... this man is mistaken.
The weak heart was now time to be strong and pump blood for his body alone.
“I think you have the wrong person,” the young man said with a faint smile, but he stepped back several more steps. The person who said he missed him wanted to step forward and grab him, but the young man's battered condition was too severe for him to use force like he always did.
Graphic's body was still as fragile and broken as the day he was pulled from the wreckage.
“I believe you that Ruthless misses me. But I do not think you feel the same," Graphic said.
“I truly miss you,” Pakin said.
Pakin did not know either whom he wanted to see more: the stubborn, unreasonable, and argumentative youth, or this terrifyingly calm young man.
The person who shook his head slowly and spoke in a voice that expected nothing more.
“Keep that for someone else. This Graphic does not want it anymore,” Graphic said.
“Graphic!” Pakin called out immediately, making a move to follow. However, the young man retreated even further, until the lump in Pakin's chest burned with incredible pain. Suddenly, the young man wondered if this was the feeling this youth felt the entire time he himself was trying to avoid him.
“I do not think we have anything left to talk about,” Graphic said. “Phîi Win told me the race was a success. I did not ruin it. Therefore, I do not owe you any debt. I did my best not to be a nuisance to you... until I ended up in this condition.”
Graphic looked down at the casts on his limbs, forced a weak smile, then turned to meet his eyes again. “Now there is nothing left between us. I do not see any necessity for us to talk again.”
Thump.
“Graphic, do not say that!” Pakin said.
Suddenly, the listener could not take it anymore. His legs carried him forward to grab the injured arm. He did not squeeze hard to cause pain like before, just held it loosely. The injured person had no way to escape from him. That made the young man bow his head and mumble a question.
“Then what can I say, Phîi Pakin?” Graphic asked.
“I am sorry, Graphic. Please forgive me,” Pakin said.
“What did you do wrong? Why do you have to apologize to me?” Graphic asked.
The young man retorted immediately. He did not pull his hand away, but used eyes now glistening with tears to look, giving a smile that seemed to pity himself, and emphasized again.
“You did not do anything to me. Everything happened because of my own actions,” Graphic said.
“It is not like that, Graphic. It is not. I am sorry I did not visit you. I am sorry,” Pakin said.
No matter how vehemently Pakin spoke, the listener seemed to hold fast to his own thoughts. His body, leaning on the crutch, turned fully, taking a deep breath as if ready to talk, but not to accept the apology.
“I may have caused you trouble countless times, but I want you to listen to me too,” Graphic said.
“...”
Even though the young man knew what would come out of this mouth was not what he wanted to hear, he agreed to stop, to let the person who was pent up speak.
“The entire time I was in the hospital, I looked at the door every day. I waited every moment for you to walk in. I was excited every time it opened, and then I was crushed when it was not you,” Graphic said. “Even though everyone who visited me meant well. My Phô, my Mâe, Janjao, Phîi Win, my friends. But I could not give them a big smile and say thank you for visiting, because my heart only thought of you. It only thought of you, until... I thought I could not bear that feeling anymore.” Graphic slowly pulled his hand out from the grip, letting the tears flow without trying to stop them. “Do you know what? The first person I thought of when I woke up in the hospital was you. But the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Janjao's tears.”
Graphic spoke in a trembling voice, but with firmness. At that time, he kept calling out for the person in front of him, but the person holding his hand, also in tears, was his other close friend. The person who stayed by his side without leaving, even in the time he thought no one was there.
Janjao was that person.
Then, the person who had decided not to let himself be hurt again continued.
“Almost dying made me realize. I have had enough, Phîi. From now on... I will live for myself,” Graphic said.
Graphic took a few more steps back, looking at the man he had loved for ten years, and who even now filled every chamber of his heart. But he had stopped being stubborn. Not everyone gets their wish in love. And he had been blinded by these things for too long, almost unable to see everything around him. He would not be like that anymore.
The young man must not let love consume him any more than this, because the wounds he already had hurt almost unbearably.
“Is anyone there?!” Graphic called.
Having said that, the slender figure turned the other way, calling out to whoever might be in the kitchen, until he heard a response. In a few minutes, they would come running, and probably scold him for coming down alone. But in those few minutes, Pakin spoke in a strong voice.
“You said you will live for yourself. But what if from now on, I live for you?” Pakin asked.
The listener could only stand still in shock, looking into the eyes that even now he could not predict what they were thinking, until both his hands clenched tightly together, while asking himself... what else does this man want from me?
“Oh my! Khun Graphic! How did you get down?... Oh no, do we have a guest?” a maid hurried in, exclaiming in alarm because the master of the house had strictly ordered that if anything happened to his only son again, they would all be fired. That made the young man, who never cared about anyone, do something that surprised Pakin.
“I am sorry for coming down alone. Please help me back up,” Graphic said to the maid. The person who never apologized to anyone said in a polite tone, as if he were a different person. Then Graphic turned to make eye contact with Pakin. “As for what you do, that is your business. Because you and I are no longer involved.” Having said that, he turned to nod at the maid. “Please have someone see the guest out later.”
“Uh, and you, Khun...” The worker glanced at the man still standing still, prompting the homeowner's son to add a final remark.
“My Phô is not here today. You probably came for nothing. If you want to see him, I think it is better for you to find him at his party,” Graphic said to Pakin. “Oh, and do not come to this house again. There is nothing here that is useful to you.” The young man said these final words before hobbling back up to the room he had only descended from a few minutes ago, under the gaze of a pair of sharp eyes that watched his back without looking away.
Even after returning to his room and the maid had left, the young man closed his eyes, letting clear tears flow down his cheeks.
I did it, Janjao. I did it. I managed to cut him off, Graphic thought.
The young man spoke as if to reassure himself, repeating to himself that he must make a clean break. But why... did it still hurt when he did it for his own heart?
“Enough. Stop being foolishly infatuated,” Graphic whispered to himself.
***
In the end, the young man who had stopped crying had to shed tears for the same man again.
Graphic truly did not want to believe it.
“What is this, Mâe?” Graphic asked.
On a new morning, after being helped out of bed and having someone assist him with washing, the young man was brought down to the dining room because he insisted he did not want to stay cooped up in his room after lying still in the hospital for a month. However, Krittitee truly could not believe that the person sharing the table was not just his Mâe, who had promised to have meals with him.
The man sitting there was unmistakable... Phîi Pakin.
Why could this man share a table with him? No, after their conversation yesterday, why was he showing his face here again!
“He wanted to visit you, son, so I invited him to join us for breakfast,” his Mâe said.
The Mâe said this without knowing a single thing about who was responsible for her son's severe injuries. She only knew that her son had an accident while riding in a car on a trip, so she welcomed Pakin warmly, even though she was surprised about where he had been for so long, given how close he was with her son.
Not only that, the person sitting quietly quickly stood up and went straight to the person who was still standing in shock. Then he grabbed the crutch before Graphic could brace himself and handed it to the maid who was supporting him.
“I will carry him myself,” Pakin said.
Thump.
“Hey!!!” Graphic exclaimed, of course, when the other suddenly scooped him up quickly but with full care. Before he could complain further, the young man started walking to the dining table and placed him gently on a chair.
“I spoke with the doctor. The doctor still does not want Graphic to move, Khun Auntie,” Pakin said to Graphic's Mâe. “Actually, he should be moved downstairs so he does not have to use the stairs. His legs should not bear too much burden. And when he goes anywhere, he should use a wheelchair for now.” Pakin turned to tell the middle-aged woman, who repeated his words.
“Oh no! And he has been going up and down like this for several days. Will he be alright?” his Mâe asked.
“How about I take him to the hospital for a check-up later?” Pakin offered.
“Is this troubling Pakin?” his Mâe asked.
“Not at all. I am willing to do this for Graphic,” Pakin said.
The young man could only watch as the two adults conversed without paying him any mind. At first, he intended to pretend to ignore it, but it was his Mâe's response that made him complain softly.
“Then I will entrust him to you,” his Mâe said to Pakin.
“Did you even ask me once if I want to go?” Graphic said to his Mâe.
“Oh, but you really do have an appointment with the doctor. You need to get checked anyway, right? It is just a day or two earlier. Better to be sure,” his Mâe said.
“But why do I have to go with Phîi Pakin?” Krittitee quickly argued, but his Mâe heard it as a whiny, childish tone and smiled amusedly.
“As soon as he comes, you become spoiled again,” his Mâe said.
“I am not...” Graphic shut his mouth immediately, not wanting another person to think he was more important than just an acquaintance of his Phô. Therefore, he did not argue further, diverting his attention to breakfast, eating awkwardly because his dominant hand was unusable, and he refused to look up and make eye contact with the person sitting opposite him for even a second.
That made Graphic unable to see what the whole household saw... the profound gaze that watched only the young man without looking away.
Graphic did not want to go to the hospital. He wanted to stubbornly insist that he was really fine. But upon seeing his Mâe's worried expression and her pleading tone asking him to just get checked to be sure, the young man did not want to worry her. But when he suggested his Mâe accompany him, the other made a difficult face, indicating she definitely had a meeting with some ladies, so the person who did not want to cause trouble could only sigh and agree.
That was why he was now sitting in the back seat of the large family car, with a driver of honorary status who was a man of immense power.
But there was something to be surprised about. Since knowing him, Graphic had never seen the other drive a car like this. It was mostly supercars with low roofs that were uncomfortable for the legs. But this was a large car that did not seem suitable for a speed lover at all. Of course, he was curious, but he did not ask.
“If I brought those cars, you would not sit comfortably,” Pakin said. The driver, who had been observing his expression and demeanor through the rearview mirror, spoke in a deep voice. The listener just turned his face to the window, indicating... I said everything yesterday. I have nothing to talk to you about now.
But Pakin was not giving up.
Yesterday, the young man admitted he didn't expect to encounter this attitude from the stubborn youth. It was not like the same youth he knew. But the tone, the tears, and the pain expressed to him let him know that the same person was still inside, but inside a strong protective shell that kept him out.
Pakin knew what he did was wrong. But he would correct everything to make it right again.
If he pushes me away, I will use every means to get close, Pakin thought.
If he does not want to see my face, I will buy back more than he ever did.
His Phô was right. He did not want to waste a single minute of time to spend with this youth. If he only thought about safety, he might lose him without having done anything. So, danger? If someone like Pakin cannot protect the person he loves, then what is he doing?
He could command hundreds and thousands of people. Why could he not take care of the one most important person?
This time, the young man was willing to be labeled a coward and a selfish man for wanting to come back. But once he realized it, this Pakin would not turn back.
He would do everything until Graphic was willing to open his heart to him again!
In comparison, the pain of being rejected with such words could not compare to the pain Graphic had endured throughout the ten years he had given him.
“I want to go home,” Graphic said.
“After we see the doctor, I will take you back,” Pakin said.
“I told you..." Graphic began.
“You told me to do as I please... Right now, I am doing as I please,” Pakin said.
The young man pursed his lips for a moment before turning his face away, not wanting to look into the sharp eyes staring at him through the rearview mirror. He could only turn to look at the many buildings to end the conversation, but could not help muttering.
“You are not even paying attention to the main point of what I said,” Graphic muttered.
He had said that from now on, they have nothing to do with each other.
“Because the main point for me is... I will woo you in every way until you relent,” Pakin said.
“You do not need to woo me, because I am not angry with you,” Graphic said.
Graphic truly thought that. No matter how much he had cried, he found he was not angry or hated the other. On the contrary, what remained in his heart were the happy memories that, when recalled, were as painful as a hot brand searing his heart.
Phîi Pakin did not do anything wrong. I was wrong for being foolish enough to love someone like this, Graphic thought.
The driver also spoke in a serious tone.
“I also ask to do as I please,” Pakin said. The young man could only close his eyes to end the conversation, because he should know how willful the other was. He had forgotten that Pakin's words were the law. But he just would not enter under those laws anymore.
I have had enough. Truly enough. No matter what Phîi Pakin does... it has nothing to do with me anymore, Graphic thought.
***
“How can you come here?!” Janjao exclaimed.
When the new morning arrived, Pakin hurried out of the house to go straight to the person who yesterday had let him take to the hospital, let him carry into the wheelchair, and even take back home. Even though there was no conversation, the stubborn youth's acquiescence was a good omen, and he hoped it would get better every day. Not like this.
Now the young man was quite irritated and annoyed by the Mâe-cat who was hissing and confronting him at the entrance to the house.
“I came to see Graphic,” Pakin said.
“I know you came to see Graphic! But you should not come here again!” Janjao said without saving face, staring at the other man defiantly, making a move to spread her arms to prevent him from passing her, perhaps forgetting that if Pakin used force, her slender frame would be thrown down the stairs.
Go ahead and throw me! I do not care about a heartless-person like this! Janjao thought.
The young woman thought determinedly, still spreading her arms, looking at the person who spoke in a serious tone.
“Why can I not come, when the most important person is here?” Pakin asked.
“How can you still say that? When Graphic was crying as if his heart was breaking, where were you? And now you still have the face to say that? Are you not too selfish!” Janjao said, unable to believe her ears, looking at the heartless-person who had hurt her friend so severely but now showed up here.
The listener did not argue.
“Yes, I am selfish. I have been selfish my whole life. And I will be selfish and not let that youth go to anyone!!!” Pakin said.
It was as if he was mocking the words they had exchanged at the hospital. He would not give him away. Even though the young woman in front of him had asked for him, he would not yield Graphic to anyone!
“Shameless!” Janjao said, unable to hold back.
She could not believe she had to speak to someone like this. But now, even if someone criticized her for being a youth who did not know respect, the young woman did not care. And she would have said more if a maid had not stepped in with a tray of breakfast.
“Nong Janjao, Khun Graphic's breakfast is ready,” the maid said.
“Oh, yes, yes. Janjao will bring it to him herself... You can leave now! Hmph!” Janjao said. At the end of the sentence, the Mâe-cat guarding her cub turned to bare her fangs at him, then took the tray from the maid and spun around back into the building as if it were her own home, leaving the worker to look at the familiar guest with a dry smile.
“Uh, Khun Graphic said he does not want to see you,” the maid said to Pakin.
Pakin was silent for a moment. He admitted that he, who got everything he wanted, was getting increasingly irritated. But he suppressed his anger and asked for another person.
“Is Khun Auntie here?” Pakin asked.
“Yes, Khun Phuying is here,” the maid said. The young man followed the worker in another direction, though his heart wanted to go straight to the same place Janjao had disappeared.
He would not yield Graphic to anyone!
“What a shameless person! His personality is terrible! His only good points are his looks and status!” Janjao said.
“You used to cheer for him before,” Graphic said.
“I am not mixing or cheering for him anymore! I want to scratch his face no matter what!!!” Janjao said.
Inside the only son's bedroom, Graphic was giving a small smile, watching his close friend stirring the hot rice porridge while her mouth cursed the person who had shown up for the third day in a row. Her large eyes showed resentment, her fresh-colored lips mumbling as if she wanted to kill the person she was talking about.
“Graphic, do not laugh! He is really terrible!” Janjao said.
The fact that his friend was this angry on his behalf made the listener laugh, feeling the heavy weight in his heart lighten incredibly.
“Graphic, are you really alright?” Janjao asked. The young woman stopped stirring the porridge and asked uncertainly, looking at him with concern. The listener was silent for a moment, then forced a smile.
“I want to say I am fine, but the truth is, Janjao, seeing his face does not make me feel very good,” Graphic said.
“Oh, Graphic, you can call me anytime. I will rush over to be your human shield immediately!” Janjao said, pitying her friend, while feeding him a spoonful of porridge, until the person who said he could feed himself, but spilled everywhere, just gave a faint smile.
“Sigh, why did we meet so late, Janjao?” Graphic asked.
“You are saying that again. But at least we met, Graphic. I will protect Graphic myself,” Janjao said.
Then the young woman, small in size but not small in heart, said determinedly, making the young man try to laugh to put his friend at ease, even though his heart did not feel better at all, especially when he knew that another person was under the same roof like this.
Please, enough. Do not do anything to make me feel worse than this, Graphic thought.
Do not make this heart waver and want to go back to being hurt again.
It took over an hour for Pakin to finish talking with the homeowner. It was not that he wanted to discuss much, but because he was looking for an excuse to remain in this house. Finally, he offered several beneficial proposals in exchange for being able to come and go in this house as he pleased.
The young man insisted that he could take care of Graphic better than the youth's own biological Phô.
And now, the large figure was following a worker to the new room Graphic had moved downstairs to, waiting until the other excused himself to go to work. The large hand slowly opened the door, hoping to see the young man give him even a small smile, but he could not believe he would see an image that tormented his heart so much.
The image of the slender figure lying on the bed, his head pillowed on the soft lap of the young woman, sleeping soundly under the influence of post-meal medication, while the visitor herself leaned her head against the headboard, breathing in and out in a steady rhythm, surrounded by extra study sheets.
Pakin did not want to admit it, but the two young people being together like this looked fitting.
Was this how Graphic looked at him when he was with other partners?
This thought made his heart hurt incredibly. His long legs carried his body to the edge of the bed with the quietest steps. He glanced at the young woman, then slowly knelt down, reached out to touch the lock of hair covering the face, brushing it away gently until he saw the clear face and the faint scars.
Graphic was a deep sleeper. He knew this well. So, the tall figure touched the face he missed so much, then leaned down... and kissed the forehead.
He would have to leave for today, because this youth probably did not want to see his face. But...
“I will not give up,” Pakin whispered close to his cheek, then slowly stood up, turning around with silent footsteps.
Only after the door closed did the young woman, who seemed to be asleep, slowly open her eyes. Janjao looked at the door in front of her, then looked down at her friend who had asked to sleep on her lap as if accustomed to resting his head on someone's lap. Then she sighed and stroked her friend's hair gently.
“No matter which path Graphic chooses, I will support Graphic fully,” Janjao whispered.
It was strange. Why did she not fangirl even after seeing such a close-range scene? Because what the fujoshi was touching was the pain of two men who were stubborn in different ways.
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