Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
“Yay! We finally get to leave the hospital.”
“You are as happy as if you were the patient yourself.”
“Oh, Phîi Win, of course I am happy. After all this time, we get to leave the hospital.”
“Is it not that Janjao is just too lazy to visit me at the hospital anymore?”
“Wow, Graphic, you think so little of me.”
From days to weeks, from weeks stretching into a month, finally, Krittitee was discharged from the hospital after a full month of treatment, in accordance with his parents' insistence to the doctors that he must be completely safe. The bruises from the impact had healed until they were invisible. The cuts on his face were now only faint lines, which he said looked cool. Only his arms and legs still needed to be in casts.
The departure from the hospital made the other young woman even happier than the person himself. Her joy was so evident it drew smiles from the nurses and the young model who had come to pick them up personally.
Actually, Graphic's Mâe was supposed to come, but urgent work came up. The young man said, "It is okay. I understand."
From a stubborn, argumentative youth, the period of convalescence had changed Graphic into a different person. He was no longer someone who would throw a tantrum if he did not get his way, who had to have everything he wanted. The young man had become someone who accepted anything, complying with every doctor's order, taking all his medication on time, behaving so well that everyone was surprised. But everyone thought the same thing... Having faced death once could change a person.
No one knew what Graphic encountered while he was unconscious. But after he woke up, his gaze was different than before.
From an inexperienced youth, his eyes now held the look of someone who had seen the world.
Therefore, the patient who was now permitted to go home just gave a faint smile, not particularly happy or sad, merely amused by his close friend who had brought a huge bouquet of flowers she grew herself, wrapped the ribbon herself, and had come since dawn. She also helped pack all his belongings, acting even happier than he was.
Now, even everyone at the hospital thought he and Janjao were romantic partners.
It really was something to think about.
Graphic wanted to smile, but he could not quite manage it. He could only look back at the hospital he had tried to avoid since entering his teenage years.
He hated white, square rooms. But right now, he did not want to step out. Because a small part of his heart was still waiting... waiting for the person he most wanted to visit to come. But there was no sign.
The period of one month taught him the meaning of surrender. Every day he had to fall asleep with tears of disappointment, asking his heart if it was enough yet, if he could stop hurting it, or if he had to let it shatter completely to be satisfied.
From now on, Graphic knew there were many people who cared for him, loved him, and wanted him to live.
The Phô and Mâe he thought were indifferent came to see him every day, apologizing for everything that had happened.
Aunt Kaew brought so much food that the nurses confiscated it, and she also cried and hugged him tightly.
Phîi Win came to keep him company whenever he was free from work, bringing fun stories to tell him.
And the most important person... Janjao.
The woman he considered the greatest, the most devoted, the one who cared for him the most. The friend who came to take care of this friend every day, cried with him, comforted him on days when he felt he could not bear the pain anymore. Janjao pulled him up and told him... "Graphic, you still have me."
How could he disappoint these people just because of someone who did not see his value?
Therefore, he had had enough now. The moment he stepped out of the hospital was the end of his waiting.
From now on, this Graphic would live for himself, for the people who valued him.
“Does it hurt, Graphic? Can you walk?” Janjao asked.
“It is just a broken leg. I am not paralyzed,” Graphic replied.
“Oh, Graphic, I am worried about you,” Janjao said.
“I can walk. I have been walking around the hospital already,” Graphic said.
The young man smiled at his close friend who was helping to support him, even though she was so small that if he fell on her, they would both tumble down. But he did not refuse any help, because if this friend were idle, she would not be at ease.
Graphic affirmed again, if he had not met Phîi Pakin first, he would have fallen irrevocably in love with this woman. And even though now he could not love anyone more than that man, it did not mean he could not take care of someone else.
He wanted to take care of her. He wanted to repay Janjao more than what she had given him.
“Why are you looking at me and smiling?” Janjao asked.
“It is funny. You are so tiny. I might fall and crush you,” Graphic said.
“Go ahead and fall. I will kick your cast,” Janjao said, puffing her cheeks and making a move to really kick the cast. But even if he fell, the one most flustered would be the one threatening to kick.
“You cannot even bring yourself to hit me. Do not even talk about it,” Graphic said.
“Eek!” After being teased back and forth, the one who could not bring herself to hurt her friend, not even to slap his arm, made a face, but her two hands still firmly supported his shoulder, making everyone who saw them smile. This was in contrast to the person who had just put the bags in the car... Win.
The young model was troubled.
Over the past month, he had hoped his Phîi would change his mind. But everything remained still. If one did not look closely, one might not see it. But once he calmed down and looked properly... his cousin was in worse condition than he thought.
The man, who outwardly seemed no different, was internally letting himself deteriorate every day. He did not understand. If you love someone, why not reach out and hold on?
It was a question he would probably never understand in his lifetime.
Furthermore, the closeness of these two young people increased every day. Win did not know when Janjao would fall in love with Graphic as more than a friend, and he did not know when Graphic would shut every door on his Phîi. But it was close. Everything was distorting from what it should be.
“Alright, are you ready, kids?” Win asked.
“Ready!” Janjao said.
The patient climbed into the back seat, while Janjao sat in the passenger seat. Win started the engine and drove the large family car out onto the road, his sharp eyes glancing towards the opposite side of the hospital, where he just caught sight of a man quickly hiding himself in a car.
If you care so much, why are you still letting go? Win thought.
“Hey, I tried the cake from the shop Janjao mentioned,” Win said.
“Is it delicious? I like it very much,” Janjao said.
“It is delicious. But there is a cake shop in Korea that is even more delicious. You would be hooked once you try it,” Win said.
Win pushed his own thoughts away and started talking about other things, making the sweet-toothed girl blink and immediately salivate with desire to try it.
“I want to eat it! But if I ask someone to buy it for me, it would spoil before it gets here. Oh,” Janjao said.
“Once Graphic is fully recovered, we can go travel together. I will take you around.... Do you want to go to a gay club?” Win asked.
“Yes!!!” Janjao exclaimed.
Phawit said it jokingly, knowing the other party was a top-tier fujoshi because she had confessed directly and had even asked obliquely if he had a romantic partner. Thinking it over, wanting to make the youth fangirl, he had shown her a picture of Phîi Seen. That was it. He had seen how girls acted when they fangirled... they screamed in his ear.
Now she was also making big eyes, staring at him without looking away.
“Control yourself a little, Janjao,” Graphic said.
“But Graphic, a gay club!” the young woman immediately turned to argue with her friend, then turned back. “Can women go in, Phîi Win?”
“They can. It is just that the men inside will not be interested in you. I think Janjao would like it. Oh, but you are not of age yet,” the speaker said, as if just remembering. That made the listener turn to look at the person in the back seat, almost lunging to shake his hand.
“Graphic, Graphic, when you turn twenty, let us go to Korea. Okay, okay! I will get a part-time job. I will save money. Once we are in university, I will tutor! Let us go to Korea!” the moon girl said excitedly, even acting like she would squirm, until the listener nodded his head in agreement.
“Yes, yes. Let us go,” Graphic said.
“Now that is a true friend!” Janjao said.
The excited person even started outlining plans for several years from now. If not because Phawit looked in the rearview mirror and made eye contact with the other young man, who was examining his multi-colored cast... That-brat and his gang came to visit last week and specifically played around by smearing colors on the cast.
“Graphic, I have to go to Korea next week,” Win said.
“Oh, the work trip you mentioned,” the listener nodded, because they had talked before that during the break he would follow Phîi Win on a trip, but in this condition, he would have to miss it. The speaker continued.
“There will be no one to feed Ruthless,” Win said.
Thump.
“And..." Graphic began.
“He does not come home to sleep much anymore,” the young man was silent for a moment before asking in a soft voice. That made Win quickly answer without waiting for the name to be spoken. But this answer made Graphic press his lips together and ask uncertainly.
“What about Aunt Kaew? Can she do it?” Graphic asked.
“You know Ruthless does not eat much from her,” Win said.
Yes, no matter how disobedient the German Shepherd was to him, there was one thing Graphic admitted he had truly lost to it... it would only eat food given by him and one other person. Lately, it had consented to eat some food that Phîi Win gave it... but the giver said it was not as much as the amount he gave.
The dog's owner fell silent, as if he did not know a way out, until the person in the front passenger seat suggested.
“Graphic, just bring him to your house,” Janjao said. The young man shook his head slowly.
“It will not work. Ruthless is not used to the people in my house. And he is very wary of outsiders. If I take him home, in my current condition, I cannot control him. If he bites anyone in the house, my Phô would definitely order him to be thrown away. Besides, he once acted like he was going to bite my Phô. My Phô will not keep him,” the owner said with a sigh, because Ruthless truly lived up to his name. He saw no chance that the dog would survive if brought back home.
He might even be killed by the workers in the house.
“Can you not ask Phîi Win to tell your Phîi to feed him?” Janjao asked.
“If I can find him,” Win said, his voice flat, his tone carrying a trace of resentment. Graphic could not smile either, and a sharp pain stabbed in his chest.
Where does Phîi Pakin go if he does not come home much anymore?... Whatever. It is not my business anymore, Graphic thought.
Finally, Graphic could only look out the window, letting the buildings pass by his sight. But the two people sitting in the front had no idea what was in this young man's head.
It might be about Ruthless, or about the person who bought Ruthless for him.
***
Pakin had just returned home for the first time in a week, after staying over at the company, doing nothing but work and more work. At most, he stopped to rest at his condo. But he was not working just to forget. It was because returning here held too many memories.
From the front of the house to the back, there were images of that stubborn youth everywhere.
“Khun Pakin, Khun Pakin is back. Thank goodness,” the head housekeeper said.
“What is it?” the young man asked.
The young man had just stepped out of his car when the head housekeeper half-walked, half-ran to him, her face visibly relieved.
“It is about Ruthless,” she said.
“What is wrong with him?” His dark eyebrows furrowed immediately, and his steps quickened as he entered the house. He was about to call the dog's name when his peripheral vision caught sight of it first.
The large bundle of fur lay listlessly on the steps to the house, its body noticeably thinner. Only its erect ears indicated it was waiting for its owner's return. As he approached, it lifted its head to look at him, whining like a puppy as if it did not even have the strength to bark.
“Why is he like this!” Pakin asked in a strong voice, placing his hand on the head of the large dog, which tried to drag itself closer to him.
“He refuses to eat. Look, Khun Win gave him so much, but he only ate a little bit,” Aunt Kaew brought the dog food dish to show him, and he saw the canned food was only partially eaten, more as if it had been nudged apart.
“And he refuses to go anywhere. He just lies here. He must be waiting for Khun Graphic,” she said.
Before this, Pakin had come home and left immediately, so he had not noticed that Ruthless had been lying here all along. It was no surprise that he was waiting for his owner... the owner who would probably not return here ever again.
“Bring a new can,” the man, who had only intended to come in to get documents, finally sat down on the steps and told Aunt Kaew, who hurried back into the house to get food and a new bowl. Pakin patted the dog's head gently, looking at the fierce face that rested its head on his leg.
“Do you miss him?” Pakin asked.
“Whine,” Ruthless replied.
“Mhmm. I miss him too. I miss him every day,” Pakin said.
“Whine,” Ruthless whined in response, also using his nose to nudge his hand as if asking, if you miss him, why not bring him back? It made the large man smile wryly, but it was at himself.
“I do not have the face to go see him. This is better this way,” Pakin said.
Aunt Kaew, who had run back, could only purse her lips, holding back tears, her two hands holding the dog food can and bowl tightly. She looked at the master who had never once shown a sign of weakness, but now that man was sitting on the steps, talking to the large dog that no one knew could understand him or not.
To be like this, Khun Graphic must be so important that he makes this man, who holds himself above all others, show such emotion, she thought.
“Khun Pakin, it is ready,” the head housekeeper finally said, taking a deep breath, stepping forward to place both items near his hand, then moving away, because her master probably did not want to talk to anyone right now.
Meanwhile, Pakin could only open the can and pour the food into the bowl, sliding it over to the fully grown dog, which sniffed furiously before getting up to eat ravenously. The watching man could only sigh.
“You can show that you miss him. And what can I do?” It was a question he himself did not need an answer to. He just stood up slowly once Ruthless had finished all his food, then called to him.
“Waiting there is useless. Come inside, Ruthless,” the call made the fierce-faced dog look towards the house entrance again before walking with its tail down, following its other owner into the house. But it had not given up hope. It believed its owner would not leave it lonely like this.
As long as it waited, its owner would return.
Being able to lie down on his own bed might be the best rest. But the person who had not returned home for weeks lay with his eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. Even though he was extremely tired, exhausted beyond measure, Pakin could not close his eyes to sleep. No matter how many cigarettes he smoked, followed by strong liquor, it did not help.
He was wide awake, or was he just unaccustomed to this bed being too wide?
This bed was larger than king-size, as if it were a custom-made hotel bed, and Pakin had been accustomed to its size for years. But this time it felt different.
The young man was not lying in the center of the bed, but on the edge of the side where someone usually slept. When he turned to look at the other side, that space used to have a stubborn youth sleeping with his neck bent, snuggling his face into the pillow, waiting for him to return and sleep together. But now it was empty.
“I cannot take this anymore,” the young man said, putting his hand to his forehead, telling himself, then sighed heavily again.
“Ruthless.”
“Woof!” The large dog lying on its usual bed responded loudly, having regained some strength after a full meal. That made Pakin sit up and pat the bed beside him.
“Come up here,” the man who had once said dogs were not allowed on the bed said this, looking at the large animal that walked to the other side of the bed, looking up to meet his eyes as if asking if he really meant it, until Pakin nodded.
“Come up.”
Ruthless whined in acknowledgment before jumping onto the other side of the bed. The owner of the room lay down again, closing his eyes, murmuring softly in a low voice, releasing his weakness to an animal that could not tell anyone else.
“I miss that-brat so much I am going crazy,” Pakin whispered.
***
Inside the study located on the same floor as the bedroom, a man was leaning against a heavy wooden desk. In his hand were many photographs being arranged on the desk one by one... one by one... and he would probably have covered the entire desk if not for...
Click.
“Next time, it would be good to call and let me know you are coming,” Pakin said.
“If I called, I would not get to see your pitiable state,” the newcomer said.
The newcomer could only heave a long sigh as he walked into his own study that had been taken over by the other. Then he stepped in and dropped himself onto the long sofa, leaning his head against the backrest, putting his feet up on the table in front of him, closing his eyes wearily, indicating he had barely slept.
He had hardly slept when Aunt Kaew called to tell him that his Phô had returned home.
I want to hear, Phanupong thought. After the race, his Phô had flown back to Europe. His coming now probably means he wants to talk about what his son has not...
The elderly man was waving a large photograph.
“Since when have you been acting like a psychopath, stalking that young man's life?” Phanupong asked.
“Since you flew back,” Pakin said.
Pakin was too lazy to make excuses since the evidence was in the other's hands, so he answered bluntly, still keeping his eyes closed. This answer made Phanupong laugh heartily, then he looked down at the photographs again.... All the pictures were of the young man named Graphic.
There were pictures from after he woke up in the hospital, solo shots, pictures with Janjao, pictures with doctors checking on him. Every angle, every event recorded every day. Even pictures from yesterday when he was discharged from the hospital, capturing every gesture. The viewer could only shake his head, knowing his son's condition was beyond cure.
At first, he did not intervene because he thought his son was smart. But he forgot that people in this family were quite stupid when it came to love.
“If you love the youth that much, then why let go?” Phanupong asked.
“It is that I cannot hold on,” Pakin replied honestly, both hands clenching into fists at his sides, trying to suppress the strong urge to go straight to him and pull that slender figure back into his embrace again.
Of course, this answer made his Phô laugh loudly, enough for the room's owner to open his eyes and look.
“Why can you not hold on? You do not want him to be in danger? You do not want him to become a target? You do not want him to be kidnapped as a hostage? Come on, son, tell me, which reason is it?” Phanupong asked.
The listener had no answer to give, because every option sounded like it came from his own heart. His sharp eyes stared into his Phô's eyes.
“Looking at me like that, you are probably wondering how I know,” Phanupong said.
The son still did not answer the question, and the Phô was too lazy to listen to excuses.
“Because I have thought all of them myself, that is how,” Phanupong said.
This was the first time since meeting his Phô that Pakin sat up straight, taking his feet off the table, his eyes sharp and clear, showing he was listening intently. This made the one who wanted to be difficult laugh heartily.
“But you probably do not want to hear it,” Phanupong said.
“If you want to walk out of this room with all thirty-two bones intact, I advise you to speak,” Pakin said.
Phanupong laughed even harder, nodding a couple of times.
“Oh, now it is so ruthless it threatens to break its Phô's arms and legs,” he said. Even as he said that, the elderly man moved to sit on another sofa, his hands clasped together to indicate this was important—something he had never told anyone before.
“What kind of feeling do you think I married your Mâe with?” Phanupong asked.
Thump.
The son was silent, but his eyes seemed to understand something.
“Yes, Pakin. I loved your Mâe more than my own life. I have been afraid countless times that she would die, that she would become a target, that she would face a thousand dangers if she stayed by my side, until I almost let her go. But your Mâe was the one who bought me. She would not accept what I offered her. She once told me that if it is a person's time to die, they will die. But if they do not die, even if they fall from a building, they will survive... So what do you think?” Phanupong asked.
“Graphic almost died because of me,” the listener said after a moment of silence, his voice low, looking at the person who wore a serious expression as he countered.
“And how did your Mâe die?” Phanupong asked.
His Mâe's body was weak from childbirth.
Even though he did not answer, he had the answer in his heart, until his Phô nodded.
“That is right, Pakin. Your Mâe was not kidnapped or taken hostage. Your Mâe died because she gave her life for your Nong. She proved that she could stand by my side. And she died in a way that no one forced upon her,” the man who was his son's role model placed all the photographs in front of his son and spoke the most important lesson of his life.
“I lived with your Mâe for ten years. Those ten years were the most valuable time in my life. And I will tell you that I would give everything to have just one more minute of it.”
The eyes of the fierce tiger, though now somewhat dimmed, held clear memories in them—memories of happiness with the woman he loved most.
“I was willing to do anything. And you, have you done everything yet?” Phanupong said as his final words before standing up, patting his son's shoulder a few firm times, leaving his words for his son to ponder.
“Do not let time go to waste. I may have only had ten years. But you... might not even have a minute left.”
Or not. He had said everything. Only his son could choose to remain foolish.
***
The holiday break might be a time for students to play to their heart's content or study until their heads spin. But believe me, no one had an experience like Graphic's for sure... lying at home like a mummy.
“I am so damn bored,” Graphic said.
Today, Janjao could not visit him because she had to start going back to her tutoring classes. Graphic found it amusing that the person who complained about not wanting to go also promised to teach him what she learned on Saturdays and Sundays. He could only say... "I am grateful. You do not have to."
Finally, the extremely bored person could only grab his crutch for support under his arm and slowly, quietly leave his room, worried that the people in the house would panic and run to help support him. The young man insisted that it was just broken arms and legs, not paralysis.
“It is just the living room. You can do it. Just a few steps down the stairs,” the immodest person told himself, then slowly made his way along the banister, using both hands to grip the crutch tightly for support, putting his uninjured leg down first, then following with the injured leg step by step, following the method he learned in the hospital. He started to become overconfident, thinking he was halfway there, just a few more steps to level ground.
His concentration made him fail to notice the sound of a car and the person walking in.
“What are you doing!” a voice asked in a startled tone at the sight.
But Graphic was even more startled by this familiar voice.
“Phîi..." Graphic said.
Squeak.
Suddenly, both the person and the crutch slipped. Both hands let go of the crutch first as the uninjured hand tried to grab for support. But standing on one leg only made him lose balance and tumble down according to gravity. His eyes shut tight, he exclaimed... I am done for.
Thump.
“What are you doing? Why are you walking down alone?” But it did not hurt.
That was enough for Graphic to slowly open his eyes and see... the person he least wanted to see.
“Let me go, Phîi,” Graphic said. Even though he was almost scared to death, his heart commanded him to say these words, making the person whose face was filled with concern fall silent. But he complied and let go, walking to pick up the crutch and hand it to him. Graphic stepped back, asking only one thing.
“Why are you here?” Graphic asked.
His calm, still tone was wrong for the former stubborn youth, making the visitor pause for a moment. His sharp eyes looked into the clear eyes that now refused to reflect his image anymore. But he had made his decision.
“Ruthless misses his owner... and I am the same,” Pakin said.
He had let too much time go to waste. From this moment on, he would not allow any more loss.
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