Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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“Good Lord! That damned-animal Phô!!!"
Graph burst into the bedroom and slammed the door shut with a loud crash before shouting out as if to vent the raging anger in his heart. He felt stifled throughout his chest as if air were compressed inside and ready to explode. His breath was labored, his body shook even more, and his heart seemed to shatter from his Phô's words.
He was someone from whom Graph had ever demanded attention but had never received it even once.
Other people had days when their parents celebrated their birthdays, but as far as he could remember, the young man Krittitee had only seen a large cake and many gifts, with a nanny he did not want, all without a trace of either his Phô or his Mâe... the gift he wanted most.
What the young man was familiar with was only a square room in the hospital and a feeling of loneliness and isolation as if he were the only person in this world.
He hated it. He hated the hospital, he hated his birthday, and he hated the promises that no one ever kept.
Your Mâe will celebrate with Graph this year.
His Mâe had once promised, had once vowed to organize a birthday party for the little child, making him count down the days in anticipation, telling everyone that this year his Mâe would be with him on the day he was born. But when the time came, there was no sign of the person who had promised. There were only expensive gifts that the young man Krittitee did not want, accompanied by excuses that said...
“Your Mâe has to work to earn money to buy gifts for Graph.”
Was the vast amount of money they already had not enough?
That was the thought of the little young man who poured his disappointment into those objects. He smashed them. He destroyed them. No matter how many times they bought new ones, no one ever scolded him, because the people who could teach him never had time for him.
Graph was raised with money, with objects, with things. He never received love from his Phô or Mâe. So why should he respect people like that? People who, when they wanted to call themselves his Phô, came and forced him to do what they wanted. Even a dog had a heart, had feelings, had its own desires. Had those people ever looked at him as equivalent to a dog?
Never! He was just a doll they thought they could place anywhere!
The thoughts of the person standing and breathing heavily in the middle of the bedroom were not about suppressing anger but... about holding back tears.
“Don't fall. Don't cry, you Âi Graph. Don't!” Hot tears welled up in his eyes, saddened by the truth that his progenitors did not know fucking-shit about him. But more importantly, the person he loved most, cared for most, valued most... wanted to kick him out of this house.
The person who had opened the door to the white, square room and made him know he was no longer alone in the world.
“Sick again? What are you always getting sick for? I have to waste my time visiting you again.”
He was the first person who dared to contradict him, scold him, be kind to him, and... keep every promise he made. Even if he was annoyed and irritated, if he said he would come... he would come as he said.
Phîi Pakin was that person.
Tch.
“Don't cry, damn it!” Graph roared, but the tears... were already streaming down both his cheeks.
Phîi Pakin doesn't want me anymore. He's going to send me back.
The thought made his two hands clench tightly, trying to hold back tears, directing his emotions towards rage. But in reality, Graph was extremely scared.
He was afraid... of being abandoned.
“Don't abandon me.” This was the true feeling.
Right now, the young man considered this house more of a home than the house he grew up in. It was the place he would return to, a place with people waiting for him to come back and eat together. But it might just be his own thought.
Thump.
Graph let himself drop to sit on the side of the bed, leaning his back against the soft headboard. He brought his two knees close to his body, wrapped his arms around his shins, and rested his head against his knees, feeling exhausted. He tried to hold himself as tightly as possible, trying to shut out the truth that there was no one in his life.
There was not a single person who truly wanted him.
“Don't cry, Âi Graph. Don't cry. You're grown up. Don't cry, damn it!” A command that could not stop the clear liquid falling from his eyes.
He should be accustomed to loneliness, but in reality, once he had experienced happiness... he was no longer familiar with suffering.
Scratch scratch scratch!
“Woof! Woof! Woof!!!"
Gasp!
Suddenly, the person who was hugging his knees and crying started violently. He looked towards the door upon hearing the sound of heavy scratching at the door, followed by Âi Ruthless's barks. Then, without even realizing it, his two legs moved towards the door panel, opening it quickly, as if hoping that anyone... he wanted anyone to be with him right now.
“Woof!”
“Ruthless, come here.” As soon as the door opened, the large dog was standing there waiting. Then the extremely stubborn Âi Ruthless ran in at its master's call, straight into the embrace of the young man, who hugged it tightly, pressing his face against its dark fur. The warmth of a living creature caused his false strength to completely crumble, leaving only the weakness of a youth lacking warmth.
“Ruthless, don't abandon me, okay? Right now, I... I only have you... don't abandon me.”
“Woof!!!” The dog barked loudly in response and stretched its head to lick his tears, making Graph hug its neck even tighter.
“Don't abandon me, okay.”
After that, the sound of the handsome young man's crying echoed throughout the large bedroom, with only the large dog staying close by his side.
Pakin had just seen his guest off into the vehicle and watched until they were out of sight. Then he turned to prepare to enter the house, but he did not expect to find the head housekeeper standing and watching him with a reproachful look, until his deep voice asked.
“Aunt, what is it?”
“I beg you, please do not send Khun Graph back.”
Aunt Kaew had never disobeyed her employer's orders, never expressed opinions beyond her position, because she rightly considered her duty was only to maintain order in this house. But on the occasions when she asked to speak, the person who was the master himself had to stop and listen. Now she was making her request.
The listener looked at her silently, until the housekeeper aunt spoke in a pleading voice.
“Please do not let Khun Graph go back to that house. She has been happy here. Khun Graph might be a delinquent youth, and she speaks curtly to adults sometimes, but compared to when she first came to live here, Khun Graph has truly become much sweeter. If you send her back, she will only encounter the same old atmosphere, the same old loneliness, which I beg you, please do not send her to face something like that again.” The listener remained silent, so the person who had decided she must speak continued.
“Khun Graph is a lonely youth. She has told me many things, and to be honest, I dislike the upbringing in that house. Khun Graph would be sweeter than this, would be a better youth, if only that man would give some love to his own junior. Khun Pakin yourself probably know better than I how lonely Khun Graph is, and how happy she is here now.” The elderly woman spoke in a beseeching tone.
Aunt Kaew herself could not bear to send a youth who was now happy back to sink into their old misery.
She had become accustomed to waking the sleepy young man in the morning, preparing the best food for him, sending him off to school in the vehicle, and waiting for him to return to eat in the evening. He was someone who wanted to be pampered, who wanted people to talk with him, but he did not even know how to demand attention, resulting in him being blunt and expressing himself in negative ways.
If one knew how to handle him, Khun Graph was actually a very good youth.
“The whole house is taking his side, isn't it? If Win returns, I'll probably have to endure his sarcasm as well.”
The homeowner spoke these many words in a flat tone, until the old woman pressed her lips together, staring at him as if wanting an answer. Pakin simply walked past her, saying,
“And I still haven't said a single word about sending Graph back.”
The words made the listener's eyes widen, watching the homeowner walk back upstairs to the person who by now had cried enough to flood the room, before she murmured softly.
“Thank you, Khun Pakin.”
A thanks that Pakin did not want, because he... had never intended to send the youth back from the start.
Pakin knew even before opening the bedroom door that that delinquent youth, that one who spoke disrespectfully to elders, must have turned into a little one crying and sulking. But he did not expect that opening the door would cause a violent lurch in the lump of flesh in his chest.
The image of the stubborn youth sitting huddled in a corner of the room, hugging Ruthless tightly, face pressed against the dog's fur, looking up to meet his eyes with tears streaming down.
He looked... more pitiful than ever.
The person asked him through his tears.
“Phîi... are you going to send me home?”
“And what do you think?” Pakin retorted, looking at the young man who took a deep breath, trying to be strong and meet his gaze, but the hands hugging Ruthless were still visibly shaking.
“Phîi... are you kicking me out of the house?”
The young man still did not answer. He just stood looking at the other youth, who hugged the large dog even tighter as if it were an anchor. The person who was now sneering at himself, using the back of his hand to wipe his face, spoke with a trembling voice.
“I should have known... should have known that a youth like me... no one wants. No one has ever wanted a shit-lizard youth... like this.” As Graph spoke, he stood up, looking into Pakin's eyes. Then the person who had been boastful and arrogant all along let out another wave of tears, asking him no differently from a seven-year-old wanting his Phô and Mâe to celebrate his birthday with him.
“I want to stay here. I... sob... I don't want to go... I don't want to. Please don't send me away.” Graph threw away all dignity to beg to be allowed to stay here, to which the homeowner said only one sentence.
“Your Phô asked me to tell you that if you don't return, he will cut off all your money.”
The listener's eyes widened immediately, because no matter how stubborn he was, how could Graph not know that if he had no money, he would have nothing left? These days he lived here, but the money in his accounts, in his credit cards, was transferred in every month, and there was no way Phîi Pakin would agree to spend money on an annoying fucker youth like him.
His Phô cutting off his financial path was like squeezing him to force him back home.
The time of happiness in this house was over.
“I... have to pack my things... right?” Graph asked in a trembling voice, then bent down to pat Âi Ruthless's head gently, lowering his head to look at it, tears brimming in his eyes.
“Can I take Âi Ruthless... with me... sob... can I take it with me... it's the only one that didn't... abandon me.” Graph began to speak with sobs that were almost incomprehensible, only knowing that he held the large dog's neck fur tightly as if it were his last straw.
“I'm begging you. Let me take it... with me.” The young man was sobbing heavily now, using the back of his hand to wipe his face left and right, looking so pitiful that anyone would soften.
“He belongs to you anyway.”
"Sob... "
Graph had hoped the other would say he didn't have to go, but this answer made the question clearest... he could go wherever, he could take the dog with him, but he had to leave this house.
“I... have to... pack my things. Sob... ” The young man cried as if his heart would break, trying to drag his strengthless legs past the heartless-person, however.
Snap.
“Let-me-die, Âi youth. Have I said a single word about letting you go?”
Suddenly, Pakin reached out to grab his waist, pulling the person who had turned his back to face him. His sharp, piercing eyes stared into the eyes shimmering with clear droplets, seeing a gaze mixed with self-pity, sorrow, and disappointment all at once. But above all, it was a pleading, desolate gaze no different from a little puppy's, asking... Phîi, are you abandoning me?
“Bu... but... ”
“I haven't said a single word about sending you back. What's wrong with everyone in this house?”
“But Phîi... you said... to take Âi Ruthless... ” The stubborn youth began to speak incoherently, only knowing he wanted to argue, and that made the person in power shake his head.
“Well, he is your dog. Where you take him is your business. But I didn't say I was sending you back.” The young man said in a bored tone, as if fed up with the crybaby, even as his large hand quickly wiped the youth's cheeks, making him gasp for breath, about to argue that such an attitude made anyone think he was unwanted. But he couldn't argue in time before the other took out his wallet.
Graph could only watch the large hand open the wallet, and then saw the other pull out several cards. He took them and tapped them lightly on Graph's forehead.
“Even if your Phô cuts off your money, for just one problematic Âi youth, why wouldn't I be able to support you? I'll have the old cards destroyed and you can use these instead. Tomorrow I'll order Âi Chai to get supplementary cards issued in your name.” Pakin said it simply, but it made the listener's eyes widen in disbelief.
Snap.
Two hands grabbed onto the strong forearm as he asked in a trembling voice.
“Wha... what do you mean?”
The question made the homeowner heave a long sigh at the slow-witted youth, and he answered with just one word.
“I'm telling you... you can stay here.”
“Phîi, are you serious?!”
The young man almost pounced, asking rapidly. His tears stopped flowing in that second, only staring into the sharp, piercing eyes that clearly showed boredom. But he needed an answer; he wanted to be sure he hadn't misheard.
“I am not a liar.” The speaker said this while moving his hand to the tousled head, pressing it gently to let him feel the touch that made the stubborn youth forget everything, forget all his defiance, throw himself into the embrace, and... wail.
The person who disliked comforting anyone hugged the loose form and reassured him.
“You don't ever have to go back to that house again.”
Pakin knew that what he had set in motion today would create future troubles. He could have sent him back from the beginning, but he didn't. He was the one who told the other side to come pick up their child themselves, because he knew Graph would never agree to go back easily. And with a hot temper like this, it probably wouldn't be difficult to make his Phô cut ties out of anger. And it happened as expected. This solved the problem of possibly offending his Phô by not returning the youth, because it turned out the youth himself decided to stay here. He was just helpless to stop it, even though he knew full well... he had never intended to send him back from the start.
He saw, just as Aunt Kaew saw, that Âi youth had changed a lot since coming here, and he didn't want to see the original annoying youth. Like this... he had become much sweeter.
But... doing this was like closing his own escape route.
Maybe the reason he made Phô and junior cut ties was because he wanted the only place Âi youth could return to to be here.
What the hell are you thinking, Pakin?
The young man realized it wasn't just Graph who was changing; his own heart was undergoing changes too.
A heart that was not distressed by the thought that... he might have to take care of a youth for life.
The sun was about to disappear below the horizon, dyeing the sky red and orange, while inside the large bedroom, the delinquent youth that everyone spoke of was still clutching Pakin's arm tightly. The face that was once handsome looked pale and haggard, the eyes puffy, looking completely different from during the day, as if he were another person. In one corner of the room, the large dog lay on its dog bed, face resting on its two front paws, but ears perked up as if listening to its master.
“I'm not going back to that house anymore.” The person who had stopped crying repeated this as if seeking confirmation, until the listener nodded, leaning back against the bed's headrest after having talked with Âi youth's Phô for a long time, moving his neck to relieve the stiffness from having to maintain a stern expression.
“If you don't want to go back, then don't.”
“And about the money, were you serious?” The young man returned to the threat from his progenitor, while grabbing the wallet, pulling out several cards and laying them out on the bed.
The one thing he had in abundance from that house... money.
“As long as you promise not to mess with my vehicle, whatever the amount, I can give it to you.” The homeowner said jokingly, but he meant it literally, preparing in advance in case Âi youth got the bright idea to crash his beloved vehicle for fun—which, of course, he would find it easier to break his neck than to buy a new one.
“Yeah, I won't mess with your vehicle. What about my baby?”
Graph thought of the object of highest value to him and began planning in his mind what to do with his life. The other person said simply, shrugging as if it were nothing, but it made the listener's jaw drop.
“I had someone sell it.”
That one cost millions!
“How could you do that? That was my vehicle!” Just an hour ago, Krittitee was a lonely youth with shattered tears, but now that everything seemed to be resolving in a positive direction, the original argumentative Âi youth returned, protesting unwillingly, that his beloved vehicle, ridden for less than a year, had been sold off.
“Why keep it? If you kept it, you'd just find a reason to crash it on the roadside. Selling it was for the best. If you want to play with vehicles, you can go to the race track. There are several I've left there.”
“The illegal track?” The listener asked uncertainly, not thinking he would be allowed into the track again, and that made the listener laugh softly, saying one word.
“Are you still dreaming that I would take you there again?”
“Yeah, I'm this unlucky guy.” Graph could only mutter in displeasure, but this displeasure was nothing compared to the relief of knowing he could stay here. This thought was clearly reflected in his eyes, making the taller person continue in a softer tone.
“You can stay here, I don't mind. But behave well. Don't let your good side break, that's all.”
“I... can come back here anytime, right, Phîi?” Then the lonely youth asked in an uncertain voice, looking up to meet the homeowner's eyes. The person who had once thrown him out of the house, who had roared at him to leave everywhere, was now nodding and reaching out to place a hand on his tousled head. He didn't push until he fell back, or hurt him to cause pain, but stroked... as if to comfort.
“If you want to come back, then come back.”
Then Graph asked in a trembling voice.
“Can I call this place home?”
Would he have a place that welcomed him anytime now?
A place where people waited for him.
A place that wasn't empty and desolate.
A place where people listened to what he wanted to say.
Would he finally have a place that felt as secure as other people did?
The question from the pitiful youth was answered by the heartless-person who was hard as stone with only: “Suit yourself.”
That was enough to make Graph smile widely, while all his self-pity, sorrow, and disappointment melted away with such permission. Then the person who hardly knew any manners when he first came to this house spoke in a faint voice.
“Thank you, Phîi Pakin.”
A thank you that the listener also found strange, but it made the harsh person smile.
“Why thank me? Go thank Aunt Kaew.”
“Aunt Kaew?”
“Aunt Kaew never asks anything of me, but she asked me not to send you back to that house again.” The young man's heart beat rapidly immediately. He didn't think there was someone who wanted him to stay here, and knowing that the housekeeper who had taken care of him all along since he stepped into this house dared to ask the heartless-person... he felt an indescribable warmth.
Was this the feeling of respect for someone from the depths of his heart..? A feeling he never had for his actual Phô and Mâe.
“I will thank her for sure.” Graph said seriously, but just as he was about to ask something else...
Knock knock knock!
It was so familiar that the young man raised his eyebrows a little, not looking at the face of the room's owner, who rolled his eyes. Since... the one person who dared to oppose Nai Pakin had returned home. “Graph! Are you in there?!” The sound of knocking on the door came rapidly, followed by a voice.
“Phîi Win! Hey, gently! Are you trying to break the door, Phîi?” The violent knocking made the young man quickly get down from the bed and rush to open the door, revealing the slender figure of the dandy young man, his face still adorned with fine cosmetics, sharp eyes lined with eyeliner, lips still moist with lip gloss, indicating how rushed he had been to get here. And the look in his eyes... was full of worry.
Then Win pushed his way into the room, glaring sharply at his elder cousin.
“Someone told me Kin was sending Graph back home.”
“Hey, Phîi Win, no, Phîi Pakin isn't going to send me back.”
Snap.
Damn, the cousins have exactly the same fierce look in their eyes.
The intense, dark eyes swept over to look, making the young man shake his head slowly and quickly explain.
“I'm not going back to that house, Phîi. I'm going to stay here... I can stay, right?” The homeowner had permitted it, but that didn't mean others would agree, right? So the young man asked uncertainly. If this Phîi said no... he would be just as heartbroken.
Actually, when he saw Phîi Win's face, his heart wanted to run and complain about what his Phô had done, but he didn't dare.
He was a man. How could he act like that?
The young man told himself, looking at the person who heaved a heavy sigh, and then.
Snap.
“Hey, Phîi Win!” It was the other who pulled Graph into a hug, patting his back several times while saying close to his ear.
“Stay here, Graph. If you're happy here, then stay here. If Kin doesn't allow it, I'll call and ask the real owner of the house myself.” The 'real owner' undoubtedly referred to none other than Nai Pakin's Phô, making the person sitting on the bed shake his head slowly.
“Can you not make trouble?”
He was too lazy to deal with the prototype of his own personality.
The words made Phawit stare at him silently, then he said in a strong voice.
“At first I intended to come and settle things, but if Kin has handled it, then I won't interfere.”
“Hmph. Aren't you being overprotective?”
The two cousins stared at each other silently, and then the person who outwardly seemed to care only about himself smiled challengingly and also spoke clearly.
“I see Graph as family. If someone in my family is hurt, I will not stand idly by. You taught me that yourself.” This was a lesson Pakin had once spoken during the incident involving him years ago. The person who saw himself as the center of the universe, Nai Pakin, had been nearly mad with anger upon learning that his younger cousin had been taken advantage of by a close friend.
The homeowner narrowed his eyes slightly, then raised a smile at the corner of his mouth, stepped down from the bed, and was about to walk out of the room. But before doing so, the young man stopped in front of Graph and said only,
“With someone worrying about you this much, do you still not dare to call this place home?”
These short words were carved deeper into the young man's heart than before.
Graph remembered even more firmly... who it was that gave him everything he wanted.
The heartless-person man, who was everything in the life of this Nai Krittitee, the person who had just given him a place called “home.”
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