Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
“I won’t cry. I won’t cry, I won’t!”
Krittithee was angry. No, perhaps hurt? Or furious?
The feeling was something Krittithee couldn’t quite define. He only knew that the image before him was blurring, his body felt heavy and numb all over, to the point where he didn’t even realize he was stepping on shards of glass until blood dripped along the hallway. By the time he returned to the bedroom, all Krittithee could do was rush into the bathroom, hoping the cold water would snap him fully awake.
As if he needed cold water. He already felt like he’d been doused with it the moment he saw Pakin in bed with someone else.
Thump!
A heavy fist swung out and hit the bathroom wall as Krittithee repeated to himself.
“Get used to it, Graph! Get used to it! Make yourself numb to those kinds of images!”
He should be used to it. He should feel nothing upon learning Pakin had gone to bed with someone else. But seeing it with his own eyes, the lump in his chest hurt so much he could barely tell if it was still beating. Moreover, he truly hadn’t thought Pakin would bring someone else here to sleep, not while he was also living under the same roof.
It was more than feeling insulted. It felt like being completely disregarded.
Splash... splash...
The icy water streamed over his head, soaking both his hair and the pajamas he wore. But Krittithee didn’t care. He just closed his eyes, leaned his head against the cold wall, and... let the tears flow.
No one knows I’m crying. Cry it out, Graph. Once you leave this room, you must not cry.
Krittithee whispered to himself, hoping the cold water would help mask the weakness of this stubborn youth. A youth who knew well that if he went crying and sulking to that other person, it would only annoy him. Especially at a time when he had brought someone who seemed important to stay with him. If he disturbed the other even a little, he would be the one thrown out of the house.
I want to cut my losses, so why does seeing this make it so hard to sever... Why, Graph?
The question Krittithee could only ask himself as he let the tears flow until he was satisfied.
***
“You look pale, Khun Graph,” Panchai said.
“I’m fine. Just lazy about coming to school,” Krittithee replied.
Inside the luxurious car, Krittithee sat with his chin in his hand, staring out the window, while the temporary driver voiced his concern. Panchai had noticed the pale face and equally pale lips the moment the other had gotten into the car. So, instead of introducing the new dedicated driver first, he had volunteered to drive him to school himself. Partly because... he was escaping someone who had messed with his head all night.
He had no work last night, so he had returned to sleep at his own condo. But then the master called to say another Khun-chai was returning. That made him hurry to the airport, only to find out... he’d been tricked.
Khun Win had tricked him into waiting at the airport all night, while Khun Pakin had slipped away the moment he realized the other had tricked him.
The person who should have come out of the gate by three a.m. didn’t actually emerge until four.
“Sigh.” Finally, Panchai let out a soft sigh and glanced at the rearview mirror.
This must be another person Khun Win has messed with, he thought.
“What time should I pick you up this evening, Khrap?” Since Krittithee wasn’t speaking, Panchai didn’t rudely press further, changing the subject as the other was about to get out of the car.
“Just call me when you arrive. It’s not like I can go anywhere besides school anyway,” Krittithee said sarcastically, then quickly walked into the school. Panchai didn’t mind the curt tone but was observing the walk, which seemed oddly surprising.
Khun Graph walks like his foot hurts.
The thought that Panchai figured he should report to the master.
***
“Graph, is your leg okay?” Janjao asked.
This was another person who noticed the abnormality.
Really, Janjao had wanted to comment the moment she saw his pale, sleepless face. But she didn’t need to ask; she could pretty much guess the outcome and smiled wryly because the plan she thought would work apparently hadn’t. But her friend’s oddly surprising walk made her speak up.
“My leg? I don’t know,” Krittithee replied flatly. Right now, he had no mood to explain what had happened, just as he had no mood to blame his friend.
Janjao made the plan. He followed the plan. If it was wrong, it was wrong to have agreed with her from the start.
But it’s good. Then you’ll know Pakin doesn’t care about you at all.
The thought made Krittithee turn his face away, while his close friend quickly told him to sit down.
“Graph, take off your shoe.” Krittithee did so mechanically, but then...
“Yikes! Graph! What did you do? Why is your sock soaked in blood?!” Janjao exclaimed loudly, making all their friends turn to look in alarm before crowding around to see the white sock with a large, spreading red stain. This didn’t make Janjao hesitate to quickly pull it off.
“Graph, what cut you?!”
“I don’t know.” Krittithee himself shook his head. If his friend hadn’t said anything, he wouldn’t have known about the wound either.
“It looks deep. Let’s go to the infirmary,” Janjao said, bending and straightening to examine the wound, making the decision for him before calling other male friends to help support him. But Krittithee stood up as if completely unhurt.
“Let’s go. The infirmary, right?” Having said that, Krittithee walked out first, making the onlookers sense the abnormality even more.
What’s wrong with Graph? No, what exactly happened this morning? Janjao thought.
At this time, the teacher in charge of the infirmary had a class, so the room only had Janjao and Krittithee who came to use the first aid supplies. While Janjao was cleaning the wound for Krittithee, he just rested his arms on the teacher’s desk, staring blankly out the window.
“Graph, does it hurt?” Janjao asked.
“No,” Krittithee replied.
“Oho, lying? A wound this size, if it doesn’t hurt, it must sting,” Janjao said, horrified, because Krittithee’s wound wasn’t shallow, with blood still flowing. At first, she said they should go to the hospital, but Krittithee insisted firmly it was fine, just a cut.
“No... neither hurts nor stings,” Krittithee said, turning to meet her gaze, smiling slightly, then looking away. Not because he was afraid of the wound and blood, but because he didn’t want to show any more weakness to his friend.
Thump
Janjao’s demeanor made her grab both of Krittithee’s wrists, squeezing tightly to force him to look back at her. Then she looked into his eyes and asked in a serious tone.
“What happened, Graph?”
The question left Krittithee silent before he lowered his head to look at the wound caused by his own curiosity and felt pathetic.
“The reason it doesn’t hurt might be because...” Instead of answering Janjao’s question, Krittithee started on another topic, then smiled sadly.
“I guess I just found out that hurting the body isn’t the same as hurting the heart... It hurts like bloody fucking hell, Janjao... hurts like absolute bloody fucking hell,” Krittithee said. Then the person who had vowed not to cry lowered his head, burying his face in his arm, suppressing the sob rising in his throat, leaving Janjao startled, wanting to ask but too afraid of her friend’s despondent expression to speak.
“It’s okay, Graph. It’s okay,” Janjao said.
In the end, even though Janjao didn’t know what had happened to her close friend, one thing she knew was that the image of the 18-year-old boy hugging his own arm and crying was pitiful... so pitiful that she wanted to ask the other man what he had done. And most importantly, did he not feel any pity for her friend at all?
***
Krittithee felt terrible, absolutely terrible for crying in front of his close friend. He didn’t want to be seen as weak, didn’t want anyone to say he was just a thumb-sucking youth who solved problems with tears. But this discomfort had no way of easing, and his heart was too heavy to tell his close friend.
It was stifling, it felt awful, but he knew well that he must not complain.
Even though Krittithee wanted to complain, wanted to throw a tantrum, wanted to ask Pakin how he could do this, he also knew well that Pakin would likely reply that he had the right to do whatever he wanted, and Krittithee would only get hurt for nothing. What he had to do was stay quiet, be completely calm, no matter how bad he felt inside.
Just do as before. Just act like seeing Pakin with someone else was like all the previous times.
It’s not hard, Graph. Just lift your chin and act cocky, and you’re back to being the stubborn youth in Pakin’s eyes.
The thought of Krittithee, who had been spacing out all day, until Panchai came to pick him up about half an hour ago.
The entire day, Krittithee hadn’t absorbed a single thing in class. Even though he tried to push this matter out of his mind, the image from this morning kept popping into his head, making him want to shout and ask himself, Who is that guy? Why does he have the right to call Pakin by a name no one else can use? But he would never know the answer.
“Phîi Chai... will he be staying long?” Krittithee asked.
“Are you referring to Khun Win, Khrap?” Panchai responded.
“Hmm,” Krittithee affirmed. Since he couldn’t ask Pakin, he asked the close associate who smiled at him via the rearview mirror.
“It depends on his mood, Khrap. Sometimes it might be just a few days, or it could stretch into months,” Panchai said.
“He has that much right, Phîi?!” Krittithee asked, shocked. As he knew, Pakin didn’t bring just anyone into the house. That meant this person was more special than others, so much so that he could come and go as he pleased.
“Yes, Khrap. He has that much right,” Panchai said, still smiling faintly as the car pulled up to the building entrance. Then he turned to look at Krittithee preparing to get out of the car.
“But if you want to know who he is, why not try asking Khun Pakin yourself, Khrap?” Panchai suggested.
And get accused of sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong? Krittithee thought, his eyes conveying the question, but he didn’t say anything. He just gathered his bag and quickly got out of the car because he himself didn’t want to talk about the other man any further. There was only one thing he prayed for in his heart... Let that guy leave quickly, before I get thrown out by Pakin.
Most importantly, it’s best not to meet. Otherwise, there will definitely be trouble.
Krittithee told himself as he entered the building and...
“Did Chai bring you?” Phawit asked.
Guk
Calm down, Graph. Calm down. Don’t complain. Don’t...
“None of your business,” Krittithee replied.
The moment he stepped into the house, he encountered Phawit... the tall, slender man who, even wearing a plain, wide-necked shirt that revealed his enticing shoulders and collarbones, and comfortable shorts as if he were in his own home, exuded an aura of both maturity and mysterious intrigue. Especially his face and eyes, which seemed to know everything. And that made Krittithee even more irritated.
Even though he told himself he wouldn’t complain, it didn’t mean he had to be polite. Instead of getting angry, Phawit laughed softly, as if not taking offense. But his words...
“Does Kin not teach his own youth manners?” Phawit asked amusedly, but his eyes clearly showed criticism, making Krittithee himself gasp.
“I am not Pakin’s youth!” Krittithee said, smiling slightly and continuing...
“Because he doesn’t want you, even though you’re trembling all over to be his, right?” Win said.
“You!” Krittithee exclaimed.
“Shh, that’s not nice. Judging by the uniform, I am several years older. You should call me Phîi when talking to someone older,” Phawit cut in with a laugh in his voice but a fully critical look, making Krittithee, who never had to bow to anyone, never had to yield to anyone, speak loudly.
“Why should I be nice to you?!” Krittithee shouted.
“Phîi,” Phawit corrected.
“Go to hell!” Krittithee yelled.
The two pairs of eyes met and held still. Krittithee felt as if he were being cornered by the real version of Phawit. He was so angry he wanted to punch his face, so angry his hands were shaking. Most importantly, he felt defeated just because Phawit had spoken and smiled a few times. Meanwhile, Phawit’s eyes, initially amused, grew stiller, calmer, indicating displeasure.
Then, Phawit turned to a corner of the room where several photo frames were displayed, lightly running his hand over one of them, and said...
“I guess I’ll have to tell Kin to throw this ill-mannered youth out of this house,” Phawit remarked.
“Who do you think you are? There’s no way Pakin would listen to what you say! Pakin never listens to anyone!” Krittithee countered.
“Then do you want to see Kin being obedient?” Phawit challenged.
Guk
Krittithee froze. When those sharp, beautiful eyes glanced over, the lump in his chest dropped to his ankles and nearly stopped beating. Phawit was smiling triumphantly, and his eyes were like a lion looking at a tiny mouse... a gaze similar to Pakin’s when displeased.
Krittithee wasn’t afraid of Phawit, but he was afraid of a certain similar atmosphere that was terrifying. It made him feel there was no way to fight back.
Phawit was superior to everyone else Krittithee had ever seen with Pakin.
Thump
So, Krittithee clenched his fists tightly until both hands shook, while his eyes blazed as if a fire were smoldering within. He was furious, but his body, mind, instincts, and everything else ready to sound the alarm told him that if he so much as touched Phawit with a fingernail, Pakin would absolutely not keep him around.
It hurts. It hurts like damned shit-lizard hell.
Snap
Krittithee forced himself to hold back just a little. So, the youth who looked ready to lunge and punch just glared with a murderous gaze, turned sharply, and took long strides quickly upstairs before he could cause more trouble for himself, even though his heart hurt so much he couldn’t feel the pain in his soles.
***
Meanwhile, Phawit watched the direction Krittithee had run off to with an amused look.
“Khun Graph is still young, Khrap,” Panchai said.
“And you make it seem like I’m an older person bullying a youth,” Phawit replied.
But the amused look turned neutral when Panchai stepped in quietly, making Panchai merely bow his head.
“I wouldn’t dare criticize you, Khun Win, Khrap,” Panchai said.
“Even though you just did. Hmm, worried about that youth?” Phawit turned to meet his gaze, but Panchai lowered his eyes at the same moment, becoming the loyal subordinate who didn’t dare look his master in the eye, making Phawit, who had controlled himself well so far, grip the photo frame in his hand tightly. Especially when Panchai said...
“Khun Graph is a concerning person, Khrap,” Panchai noted.
Phawit squeezed the frame until his hand shook, but after a moment, he took a deep breath and pushed the object in his hand against Panchai’s chest.
“If that youth were a bit more patient, he might have found out that Kin and I are relatives. By now, the room would probably be flooded with tears,” Phawit said, smiling slightly and letting go of the frame, knowing full well Panchai would have to hurriedly catch it in alarm, while he himself merely said...
“If you’re so concerned, go comfort him. Oh, I forgot. Someone like Panchai clearly separates matters of subordinates and masters,” Phawit remarked.
Phawit walked away, leaving behind only silence and one photo frame that Panchai looked down at... a photo of both masters: Khun Pakin on the right, Khun Phawit on the left, and himself standing slightly behind both of them.
A position that said a subordinate was just a subordinate, now and forever.
Pakin had work commitments that day. By the time he returned home, the clock had already passed ten. The household had already reported that the close relative had gone out and likely wouldn’t return until dawn. So, he probably wouldn’t have to deal with two troublesome youths at once.
One stubborn and loud, the other stubborn and quiet.
“Khun Graph still hasn’t eaten,” one maid said.
“Right. He didn’t come down this evening. When we took food up, it was like this. Sigh,” another maid added.
Just then, Pakin’s long legs about to ascend the stairs halted as the voices of two maids came from around the corner of the staircase, making him frown sharply.
“What does that mean?” Pakin asked.
“Ah! Khun Pakin!” The maids exclaimed, startled. Pakin ignored their demeanor, merely looking at the tray in their hands and finding the congee in the ceramic bowl completely untouched. His sharp eyes turned back to them, a signal to answer.
“This evening, I went up to ask Khun Graph what time he would like dinner, but he said he wouldn’t eat. Pa Kaew had congee sent up to him, but it seems he hasn’t touched it either,” one maid explained. Upon getting the answer, Pakin frowned because he immediately knew this had to be a continuation of that morning.
Quite impressive, you damned troublemaker youth.
“Sigh. Give that to me... Oh, and get the spare key for the guest room too,” Pakin said. Initially, he had intended to go to his room to freshen up with a shower first before checking on Krittithee, but seeing this, he had to change plans. His large hand took the tray of lukewarm congee, then turned towards the room whose door had been tightly shut since evening.
“This morning, Khun Graph seemed to have hurt his foot. I’m not sure if he accidentally stepped on ceramic shards,” Panchai had reported clearly, making Pakin shake his head.
Knock knock knock
Pakin knocked on the door and waited patiently...
“...”
Of course, Krittithee wouldn’t open it. Pakin wasn’t in a hurry, having predicted this. He just stood waiting a moment before the same maid came running, slightly out of breath, with a large keyring containing all the guest room keys. Pakin merely smiled slightly and nodded.
Click
The maid unlocked the door, turned the knob, opened the door for Pakin to enter, and closed it again, knowing the drill.
Even though the room was dark, it was impossible not to notice out of the corner of his eye that Krittithee on the bed had just pulled the blanket over his head, as if watching the situation first. And when Pakin entered, Krittithee quickly burrowed under the covers to escape.
Such childish behavior made Pakin roll his eyes.
“Why didn’t you eat dinner?” Pakin asked.
Pakin shook his head, slightly irritated that Krittithee intended to wage a war of nerves with him. Pakin, holding the food tray with one hand, placed it on the table, then stepped closer to the large bed, crossed his arms, and looked at the round lump curled up there.
“Acting like this doesn’t make you more likable, you know,” Pakin remarked.
Gnash Pakin heard teeth grinding and a slight movement of the body, as if Krittithee was suppressing the anger to jump up and challenge him to a fight. Really, since Pakin had brought the dinner in, he should go rest. But Krittithee’s expression from that morning was still vivid in his mind, and not to mention...
“Let’s clear up you yelling at me this morning first,” Pakin said.
Pakin considered that he hadn’t done anything wrong. Even if Krittithee misunderstood, he had no right to shout in his face like that.
Still, Krittithee continued his war of nerves, making Pakin say coldly.
“Do you think I came here to coax you?” Pakin asked. The question was met with continued silence. And since Krittithee didn’t intend to answer, Pakin didn’t intend to involve himself in a foolish game where whoever answered first lost. He just turned towards the door and said merely...
“Eat. I don’t want you dying here,” Pakin ordered.
“Heartless!” Krittithee exclaimed.
Guk
Krittithee, buried under the covers, finally made a muffled sound, making Pakin, who was about to leave the room, stop still and look back at the round lump that had finally stopped playing games.
“You’re a bloody fucking heartless, cold-blooded... You’re a person without a heart!” Krittithee shouted.
“I already knew that,” Pakin responded. Krittithee, burying his face in the pillow, clenched the pillow tighter, bit his lip tighter, suppressing the multitude of feelings flooding his heart, especially after hearing the heart-piercing words from Phawit who claimed he could make this evil person obedient.
Could he really? Did that person really have that much right? Krittithee thought.
The thought made Krittithee bite his lower lip until it hurt, to avoid showing any more weakness to Pakin.
“You don’t need to bother with me,” Krittithee finally said before acting like a sulking youth for Pakin to see again.
Slam!
The door closed, but Krittithee still didn’t move, afraid that if he moved even a little, the endurance he’d been maintaining since evening would easily crumble, and he’d complain and act out, ultimately getting flicked away and thrown out of the house by Pakin.
Don’t cry, Graph. Don’t you cry...
“Hey!” Krittithee exclaimed.
Krittithee tried to tell himself repeatedly, but then he had to cry out in shock when the blanket at his feet was flipped back swiftly, and his ankle was yanked with full force. Startled, Krittithee almost jerked the blanket up to look, if not for...
“Do you intend to get injured every day you’re here?” Pakin asked.
Guk
If not for Pakin, who should have left, returning to sit by the bed and pulling Krittithee’s ankle onto his knee.
“You didn’t get the wound wet, did you?” Pakin inquired.
“...”
Krittithee didn’t answer. Not because he was still angry, not because he was coldly-aloof, but because the warm touch on his ankle made him hurt.
“Wait a moment,” Pakin said.
The hurt remained there, even after Pakin really left the room, not just fake-closing the door like before. And it remained in place when Pakin returned with a first aid kit, sat down in the same spot, pulled Krittithee’s leg onto his lap again, while the upper half of Krittithee was still hidden under the comforter.
“Don’t cry and sulk now,” Pakin said in a mocking voice, but Krittithee still didn’t respond. However, he felt the sting of the disinfectant, felt the medicine dripping onto the wound until tears nearly leaked out. And of course, Pakin wasn’t gentle. Krittithee clearly felt every step of the wound treatment.
The pain he hadn’t felt that morning because his heart hurt more.
The pain he felt clearly now because his heart wasn’t hurting the same way. The heart that stopped hurting and went numb simply because Pakin had come back to tend to his wound.
When the heart didn’t hurt, the body regained sensation.
At the same time, Pakin clearly saw that Krittithee, buried under the covers, was shaking. Even the leg resting on his lap was shaking. It was no surprise that Krittithee must be crying. So, Pakin sighed wearily, put the supplies back in the first aid kit, and shoved it under the bed, knowing full well he’d probably have to tend to Krittithee’s wounds again later. Then he placed the leg back down.
But before stepping away from the room, Pakin, who considered his duty finished, paused for a moment, made a decision, and then...
Pat
Pakin’s large hand pressed down lightly on Krittithee’s head hidden under the blanket, and the man who never coaxes anyone said...
“I’ll tell you for your own good... Win is my Nong.”
Slam
Krittithee felt like crying but ended up smiling. “Hey! Pakin!” he called out. Too late. By the time Krittithee collected himself and jerked the blanket up, Pakin, who had clarified the misunderstanding, had already stepped out, leaving Krittithee stunned like that.
It was unbelievable that just a few words from the man who never coaxes anyone could achieve this, confirming that this was not coaxing.
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