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The lights of Tokyo Skytree and Tokyo Tower continued to shine.
The sounds of conversation, laughter, and photography echoed all around. However, amidst the festive atmosphere of tourists, there was one spot that was different... a young man of eighteen verging on nineteen, curled into a ball, his two arms hugging his own body tightly as clear teardrops fell and hit his cheeks.
Around him, there was no sound of sobbing, no sound of trembling. There was only the sound of sorrow wrapping around him.
Phîi Porsche was about to get engaged to Jae Dream. It was over. The secret love of three years. The relationship that had lasted almost a year... it was over. It ended everything.
Sniff.
Dear told himself as he closed his eyes. Right now, even the beautiful scenery he wanted to see couldn’t make his mental state improve. There was only a chilling cold wrapping around his body, only the pain hurting his heart, along with the question of why... Why did it end like this?
Dear slowly opened his eyes, looking out through the curtain of tears. But the image he saw wasn’t the blurred nighttime scenery due to teardrops, but rather... the image of the one man in his heart.
He wasn’t gay. He didn’t like all men. He still liked cute women. But it was only this kind-hearted neighbor Phîi who made him... love. Because it was Porsche.
That day, the day his sister first took him to the condo... their reunion after not seeing each other for many years was still in his memory. The palm and feel of a small card were still firmly embedded in his heart.
A spare key card to Phîi's room. Anyway... I leave myself in your care, Dear.
He still remembered well the warm touch of the palm placed upon it, the soft, mellow voice full of affection, and the wide smile engraved so firmly it was hard to erase. He began his university life with the person he secretly loved by his side. The person who said he was like a dog and then said he was the owner. The person who made his personality worse than anyone.
Then come be my puppy.
Phîi Porsche, do you know? Puppies need a lot of warmth, you know. They get attached to their owner. The owner has to feed them three meals a day, and they have to eat together too. Play with them often. And also, puppies during this period need the owner to raise them well, give them lots of warmth, teach them a lot... so when they grow up, they won't be dogs lacking warmth...
An owner who raised him too well, gave too much warmth until this dog felt he couldn’t do without his owner.
They were different. No matter how much Phîi Porsche had once made him sad, this man also made him love immensely.
Sniff.
Tear after tear flowed from both eyes. From having no strength to sob, his body began to tremble violently. His two arms hugged his own body even tighter as memories flooded into his head like a torrent... he couldn’t stop them at all.
On the day they were angry with each other, who would believe that a man who had everything like Phîi Porsche would agree to sit and write hundreds of post-it notes, sticking them everywhere in the house?
Let's make up, Ná.
'I need something... just your smile is enough.'
Even if Dear isn't done being angry with Phîi yet, just one smile a day, and Phîi will have the spirit to coax you, then.
Phîi Porsche could coax him in the cutest, sweetest way a man could do for another. The person who indulged him in everything, no matter how foolish he was. The person who loved him, was jealous of him to the point of not letting him go out with friends alone.
The person who sang for him. The person who looked at him with gentle eyes. The person who hugged him tightly. The person who whispered intimately to him.
'The moment I fell for you.'
The person who said he loved him every night. The person who... wasn't by his side at this moment.
Phîi Porsche had tried to speak, had tried to tell Uncle Sak who the person Porsche loved was. But it was he himself, he himself who had pushed him away, tried to force the person he loved onto someone else. He was the selfish person who used the excuse of not wanting others to look badly upon Phîi Porsche, but he himself was the one who didn't want anyone to look at him with a bad gaze.
How could he do it? Âi'Dear, how could he push his own heart to someone else? So it was selfish, and now you (Mueng) also want him back, want to snatch him back from your own sister.
"Hic... You (Mueng) are a bad person, Âi'Dear. You (Mueng) are the worst."
A sob that Âi'Dranphat could only tell himself as he used trembling hands to pull his phone up to eye level, looked at the completely dark screen, and then used his fingertip to scroll to one number.
They say that when people are cornered, they can do the most unexpected things. And Dear might be one of those people.
[Dear]
I miss you. I miss you so much I'm going crazy. This tone of voice, this way of calling his name... I miss you terribly.
Dear thought while wiping the tears streaming down his cheeks, taking a deep breath even though he couldn't stop the sorrow that was overflowing.
Even though he knew it was too late, he wanted to try to say it out loud once.
"Phîi Porsche... wa... wait, don't say anything... Phîi Porsche, listen to me, Khráp..."
[Dear, you're crying!]
The panicked tone of the person on the other end couldn't stop what was overflowing from the heart of the person on this side, because Dear was speaking with a trembling voice as he reached out to touch the icy cold glass that was no match for the block of ice clinging to his heart.
"I... have something to tell Phîi... Phîi might say Dear is crazy, is crazy for saying it now. But I love... I love Phîi Porsche, Khráp. Another, loves very much... loves more than anyone else..." Dear no longer knew what he was saying. He just needed the other side to know. Whether it was coherent or not, he didn't care. Just let him speak.
Wanted to let Phîi Porsche know. The true feelings of this cornered puppy.
"I know about the matter of Phîi... Hic... and Jae Dream getting engaged. I know I am selfish. I am despicable. I'm bad for thinking of snatching Phîi back. But I... I can't do it.... I won't let Jae Dream be sad because of this Nông anymore. Jae Dream has done so much for me. I can't destroy his sister's happiness anymore... Hic..." He knew speaking now was too late. No matter what, Porsche would have to follow Uncle Sak's words. No matter how Phîi Porsche tried to find a way back to him.
But could he hurt Jae Dream again? Even though he knew Jae Dream also loved Phîi Porsche. Even though this Nông was hopeless, he never thought of destroying his sister's happiness.
Words that made the person on the other end fall silent. Sorrow was accumulating in his heart because Dear was speaking as if pushing him towards Dream again. But then...
"But... but if I could turn back time... Hic... I would fight. I wouldn't give Phîi to anyone... I would... would not run away again... no matter what Dad and Mom say... I would not run... I.... I would fight together with Phîi... Hic hic... If I could go back, I would do everything not to lose Phîi... Phîi Porsche, did you hear? Hic, hic... I don't want to lose Phîi. I love Phîi... love Phîi!!!!"
Dear shouted at the top of his voice like a crazy person, wanting only for the other side to know his feelings. He didn't care how the people around him looked. He just cried out, shouted at the top of his voice that he loved him, that he was sorry, and that if he could go back, he wouldn't do this again.
His small body sobbed violently as he said in a faint, weak voice.
"I love Phîi, love Phîi... Hic... Phîi Porsche... Dear loves Phîi..." The last voice quieted down as if the owner had run out of strength, before uttering the words that hurt his own heart the most.
"I wish for Phîi and Jae Dream.... to be happy..."
[Dear, wait! Dear!!!]
He didn't listen to Phîi Porsche's voice anymore because his hand pressed to end the call immediately, before hugging his knees tightly. He knew it was pathetic to be a man but to cry like a woman with a broken heart, but he didn't care. The people around him weren't people he would meet again anyway. And even if they did meet, he bloody fucking didn't care who they were.
If he could go back, he would do everything for love. He wouldn't lose stupidly like this again.
"Now it's useless. No matter what, I (Kuu) won't snatch Phîi's things... Hic..."
It was truly time to let go.
Lost in thought. The thoughts of the person who let the tears flow as he pressed to turn off the phone vibrating in his hand.
"After returning from Japan this time, I'll probably have to go to England..."
Squeak.
"So, where are you planning to run away from me (Phîi) again, Dear? You said you wouldn't let go of my (Phîi) hand, remember?"
But then, the person who was muttering to himself widened his eyes. His whole body froze stiff even though he felt the warm embrace that was wrapping around his hunched back, pulling him in... a familiar embrace that this body and heart remembered well. An embrace that tightened around his body as if afraid he would disappear somewhere. And a mellow voice full of resentment was whispering by his ear.
He was so shocked he was senseless, even as he turned to look at the face of the person hugging him.
"Don't run away from me (Phîi) anywhere again. Don't do this. Don't take my (Phîi) heart and then run off disappearing like this again." Purin whispered repeatedly as he hugged the slender body he missed so much tightly... as tightly as he could to say that this youth was still in his embrace. Not wake up in the morning to find Dear wasn't in Thailand anymore.
Words that called back the shocked person's senses, making him turn to look. Even though the light here was very dim right now, the face of the person he missed was still clear in his perception.
"Here... Porsche." A hoarse, broken voice came out in disbelief. He didn't know how Phîi Porsche could be here. It might just be the imagination of a person at a dead end. But even if it was his own crazy imagination, Dear... would still reach out and grasp it.
Squeak.
"Phîi Porsche, Phîi Porsche... Hic... Phîi Porsche." The small body threw itself to hug the young man with full force, and Purin also tightened his embrace around the little body. He could feel the force of the trembling and the voice full of longing from the puppy who clung to him as if afraid he would disappear somewhere.
"Phîi Porsche... I'm sorry... Hic... sorry... I'm sorry... don't go... don't go to anyone. Don't abandon Dear anywhere... don't abandon this puppy anywhere, Khráp... Hic... Wahhhhhhhhhhhh." And then the person in the embrace transformed into a three-year-old crying his eyes out uncontrollably, in a way that made Purin push the small body back a little to see the tear-stained face.
His sharp eyes clearly showed love. The large, round eyes looked so pitiful that the young man reached out to touch the soft cheek, while his own eyes were also wet.
"Where would I (Phîi) abandon Dear to? My (Phîi) heart is with Dear. So how could I (Phîi) go to someone else..."
"But Jae Dream... !"
Before the puppy could protest, warm lips assaulted his pale, bloodless lips, pressing tightly amidst the gazes of the people around who even widened their eyes in surprise that two men were kissing in public. However, the people kissing paid no attention to anyone, because Dear made a protesting sound for a moment, then grabbed the other's collar to pull him into an even tighter, deeper kiss.
A kiss that seemed to tell Dear that Phîi Porsche was still right here. Hadn't gone anywhere. Hadn't been lost to anyone yet.
A kiss that exchanged contact as passionately as people finding an oasis in the desert, yet also mixed with the taste of tears that wouldn't stop flowing.
A kiss that seemed to comfort the hearts of both people who had been separated for a month.
It took a long time for the two to pull apart, making Purin stare at the face looking up at him with clear teardrops. His fingertip moved to gently wipe away the tears, in a way that made the little one refuse to look away anywhere else, until he had to speak up.
"Other people are looking, you know." And the answer Purin wanted to hear the most came out.
"Bloody fucking let them. As long as Phîi Porsche is still here, Dear doesn't care about anyone."
A cute answer that made the young man lean in to touch these lips again as if rewarding the answer he had been waiting for for a month. Meanwhile, Dear also accepted this contact, truly not caring about anyone's gaze, in a way that made the young man feel as if a mountain had been lifted from his chest.
As long as Dear would fight together with him, nothing ahead was scary anymore.
"How did Phîi Porsche get to be here?"
"Just now it occurs to you (Mueng) that you need to ask?"
After kissing until they were satisfied, in a way that the people around them were probably numb, Dear, who was still nestling against the warm chest of the man beside him, asked suspiciously, making the listener chuckle softly as he asked back, until the person with a dazed face like a cat hugged his waist even tighter.
"Dear thought Phîi Porsche was busy with the engagement with... Jae Dream." His hoarse, broken voice from heavy crying spoke so softly it was almost inaudible, and that made Purin know his puppy was still thinking-deeply, until he had to shake his head slowly as if to comfort, also speaking out casually, unlike the current situation.
"How could I (Phîi) get engaged? When the only person I (Phîi) want to get engaged to ran off to Japan?"
"But Uncle Sak..." The puppy protested immediately when what he heard from his sister echoed in his head, making the young man shake his head slightly and speak with a tone that wasn't anxious.
"If Phôo wants to get engaged, let him get engaged himself. I (Phîi) am definitely not getting engaged to Dream."
"But Jae Dream loves Phîi Porsche, Khráp."
"And what about Dear? Do you want me (Phîi) to go back and get engaged to your sister, then?" This time, Purin was the one asking, also turning to lock eyes with the pale face full of worry, staring deeply into the eyes as if searching for an answer, making Âi'Dranphat just smile at himself.
"Dear is bad, right, for not wanting to lose Porsche, even though knowing his own sister loves Phîi?" The listener shook his head slowly as he moved one hand to hold the pale hand.
"Does Dear really believe Dream loves me (Phîi)?"
"Well, Dear heard it with his own ears! Are you (Mueng) going to say Dear imagined it or something?!"
"Believe a former faculty star who used to be the female lead of faculty stage plays, you mean?"
Thud.
Before Dear could protest that he really heard it, Purin interjected again with a firm yet somewhat exasperated tone. His sharp eyes looked at the person whose mouth was hanging open a little as if he somewhat understood something now.
Therefore, the person who had agreed to risk playing this game with his close friend began to explain with a more serious tone.
"Does Dear know Dear has one habit that I (Phîi) don't like, have never liked, and think I (Phîi) will never like?"
Purin didn't wait for the little-one to answer because he immediately gave the answer.
"Whenever Dear has a problem, Dear likes to run away. Dear always relies on Dream... All the things that happened, no, specifically the matter of Dream saying she loves me (Phîi) and me (Phîi) disappearing from Dear's life for a whole month, it's because I (Phîi) agreed to risk everything in my (Phîi) life for a prize I (Phîi) didn't even know if I could grasp.... I (Phîi) need Dear to fight together with me (Phîi), walk together with me (Phîi), and not run away from problems like this matter ever again..."
Purin thought back to the day he talked with his close friend, the day his dad was pressuring him. He was willing to lose everything to be able to be with Dear. But then Dream offered a proposal that he found the most foolish.
"You have to let him learn to face things himself now."
"And how long do we have to wait? If Dear doesn't think of fighting, I (dì-chǎn) won't force him. I (dì-chǎn) am ready to be his shield....
"Like you don't know if he'll run off and disappear somewhere again or something! Porsche, listen to me. I (dì-chǎn) raised Âi'Dear with my own hands. What his personality is like, I (dì-chǎn) know best. If you still keep coddling him, he will never grow up. Look at this time. Just his dad and mom came back, and he was ready to throw every problem away from himself and then run away. You try thinking: the family is the smallest unit in society, and he still just runs away. Then do you think he will be able to face the larger society in the future?"
At that time, he could only be silent because he painfully admitted he thought the same as Dream. If this time Dear ran away and there were still many people trying to help, soon the obstacles of the relationship blocking their path would surely make Dear turn his back and run from him again.
He didn't want it to be like this anymore. He didn't want to fight alone. He needed Dear to fight together with him, to stand firm with the relationship that everyone saw as wrong, together.
I (dì-chǎn) may be an outsider for you guys right now, but I (dì-chǎn) ask, as his sister, can we let Dear decide to turn and face things himself a bit? Not just your matter. I (dì-chǎn) want him to fight for himself a bit, not just keep running away like this.
Dream was right. She was completely right, until he, who was almost going crazy from being forcibly separated from Dear, had to try to calm his mind and do as his friend said. Even though he had prepared for the opposition from both families. But more than anything else, what he needed most was Dear's readiness.
If Dear still didn't think of fighting together with him, everything he had done would collapse.
"Phîi Porsche is saying that Jae Dream doesn't love Phîi Porsche, that no matter what engagement ceremony there is, you guys have no way of getting engaged..... Really?" After hearing the story from the person in front of him, Dear's mouth hung open. His ears and tears were like a faucet being shut off, making the listener nod.
"Er... then Phîi is saying that Dear being sad and going crazy like this is because of Dear's cowardly habit of always running away?" The listener nodded again, until the person asking felt hopeful.
"Then the matter with Dad and Mom was also a drama Jae Dream set up to correct Dear's habits, right?"
"No. That was completely real." The person who was just happy had his heart drop to his ankles. His eyes, which had brightened, lowered to look only at his own knees. A demeanor that made the young man have to reach out to stroke his head gently.
"Going to run away again?"
Shake, shake, shake.
However, this time, the person who had been cowardly all his life shook his head vigorously, took a deep breath, and then turned back to look Porsche in the eyes again. The voice that came out was more serious than ever.
"Dear will not agree to lose Phîi Porsche again... no way."
A firm tone that made Purin want to hug the little body tighter, want to cover him with kisses, want to say how very happy he was. But what he could do was... lean in to kiss the smooth forehead and squeeze the pale hand gently.
"We'll get through it. Believe me (Phîi). Whether it's Dear's parents or my (Phîi) parents, we'll get through it together." This time, Âi'Dranphat no longer cared about how they would get through it. He just moved to hug Phîi Porsche tightly, and both eyes closed... as long as he had Phîi Porsche by his side like this, he wouldn't be afraid of what would happen in the future anymore.
He was truly taught a lesson by his sister's betrayal this time. But he also felt thankful, because Jae Dream taught him that one wrong decision might not always have a second chance to make amends. Everything had no way of going back like in cartoons. If Jae Dream truly loved Phîi Porsche right now, he would have no chance to be sitting here.
But then...
"How did Phîi Porsche get to Japan?" A question that made the listener give a slight smile.
"When we were forcibly separated, I (Phîi) almost went truly crazy. Everything was completely tormenting. But because I (Phîi) had to find a way for Dad and Mom to accept it, I (Phîi) had to endure it. Until the work I was doing was finished, so I (Phîi) flew after Dear the day before yesterday.... As for just now when Dear called, I (Phîi) was with Âi'Lex."
"Hmm." The listener frowned immediately, whipping his head to look before understanding flashed through his mind.
"Don't tell me he knew everything!!!"
"You could say that. That I (Phîi) followed here was because he told me Dear was here. Also, before this, Dream called, right..." A question that made the listener nod emphatically before feeling so resentful steam almost came out of his ears as Purin continued...
"Dream knew I (Phîi) intended to come find Dear. That person therefore called first to pressure us. It was a risk that Dear might not explode. But it also went according to what our sister said, everything. Oh, and the person who called to tell Dream again was that Âi'Lex." Don't call him moody now. He truly wanted to kill Âi'Lexus and hide him in a Japanese toilet.
"Âi'Lexus, don't let me (Kuu) see your (Mueng) face. I (Kuu) will curse you (Mueng) without mercy. Damn it, acting like such a good friend. This is clearly being a traitor!!!" A demeanor baring fangs, eyes gleaming like the original puppy, making Purin pull his head to pat it and then hug him.
"Why be angry with him? At least he helped me (Phîi) find Dear."
Thud.
"That's true." The person who was angry cooled down immediately, before paranoia surged into his chest. Even Phîi Porsche could pop up here now. So what if.....
"Did Phîi Porsche come alone?"
Please don't let Jae Dream come along. Otherwise, whenever she shows up, Âi'Dear's lifeline will be cut then. Where is there a precedent for looking at his sister with disappointed eyes and also saying Jae Dream lied... Âi'Dear is dead for sure.
A question that made the pair of sharp eyes radiate an annoyed glint for a moment before fading.
"No.... I (Phîi) didn't come alone."
An answer that made Dear want to go down and writhe until he knew for sure. He just hoped the demoness wouldn't show up right now.
***
Going back a little earlier, to when Dear was crying.
Like a crazy person by the glass, the person who brought Purin to find him was the half-Thai friend who had slipped away. Therefore, the image of Âi'Dear being hugged by Phîi Porsche until he disappeared into his chest made Shin sigh.
"It's good if they can make-up. Arguing gives everyone a headache." Shin shook his head before slipping away to the bar on the other side, which offered a view of the Tokyo scenery opposite the Tokyo Tower side.
Even though he couldn't order alcoholic drinks here, being able to sit alone quietly after taking his other two friends touring everywhere made him feel a bit more relaxed.
It wasn't just Âi'Dear who was relieved to have friends along. He himself was also relieved that these two had followed.
If he were alone, he would just think about the person in Thailand over and over. Maybe even more than when he broke up with Focus.
Slump.
A thought that made Shin reach into his bag and place some broken fragments on the table that he had tried to fix but hadn't finished. His pair of sharp eyes looked at it silently, unable to bring himself to throw it away.
Even though his Phîi said that to cut ties, one must cut cleanly, in the end he still kept the motorcycle built from nanoblocks anyway. Until now, the misshapen motorcycle was placed in front of him, making Shin just smile.
"Sometimes, I (Kuu) might be more pathetic than anyone."
He acted tough. Acted indifferent. But in reality, he himself was the one who couldn't cut ties. Even though he was the one stubborn about this love himself. Even though he was the one who said to break up himself. But Shin also couldn't make it end completely like he had said to Phîi Oat.
As soon as he was alone with himself... he ended up thinking of old memories again.
"Should I (Kuu) throw you (Mueng) in the trash can or not?" His fingertip rested on that nanoblock before shaking his head at the madness of murmuring to something inanimate, as he also felt someone sit down beside him but didn't pay attention. If anyone spoke to him in Japanese, he would retort in Thai to show them.
Right now, whether woman or man, he wanted neither.
But then, a voice that made Shin freeze in shock sounded.
"May I sit here... Chonnon?"
Whip.
And as soon as he turned his face, the Âi'Shin-jang of his friends could only groan in his throat, feeling that life was too despicable.
"Phîi Oat."
"Yes. It's me." A reply that made Shin only ask himself.
Why did you follow me? Do you still want something from me? Or, in truth, did you follow Âi'Dear here?
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