Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
“Wow, this is clearly paradise.”
“Is your aunt’s heaven located in Shibuya or something?”
“Goose, don’t argue, Khráp, friend. This right here is my heaven.”
After the three of them had arrived in Tokyo, the capital of Japan, rested to recover from their fatigue, and Shin had even taken them to broaden their horizons by eating local food that ordinary tourists would never seek out and find, today, the half-Thai friend who knew well what the group’s regular little-one liked had taken them on the JR Yamanote Line to disembark at one of Japan’s most famous streets... Shibuya.
That street with the five-way intersection, the regular location for many international MVs.
However, the three of them had not come aiming for the many department stores like shopping enthusiasts, had not targeted the Disney store, had not come to visit Meiji Shrine, had not come to stroll leisurely looking for music discs at Tower Records as Shin usually did regularly. Instead, they turned into the PARCO department store and headed straight up to the upper floors to enter a merchandise store... Animate.
Of course, this made Dear’s eyes go wide, and he looked like he was about to dive into the many items arrayed before him.
“And you (Mueng), you see it as tacky, but in your hand, you’re holding on without letting go, huh,” Shin said amusedly, tilting his head towards Lexus, who was holding an umbrella shaped like a sword from a certain anime character for sure, looking like he would definitely take it home no matter what, until the overseas-studying young man laughed out loud.
“Cool, right? Look, look (Mueng),” said Lexus, then straightened his posture, put on a stern face, and made a pose of holding a sword, his shoulder going back, making the onlookers chuckle in their throats.
Well, if you (Mueng) are going to go crazy with Dear, why did you (Mueng) call it tacky at first?
The demeanor of the two, who weren’t paying much attention to their surroundings, still intoxicated with posing as if they were swordsmen from the story, contrasted with Dear, who was in another corner of the shop, also holding a figure of the main character. But then....
“その二人はカッコイイ!! (Sono futari wa kakkoii!! - Those two guys are so cool!!)”
Dear heard the voices of high school girls in Japanese uniforms pointing excitedly towards those two guys. There was excited whispering until he had to turn to look in that direction.
You (Mueng) guys attract girls' eyes wherever you are, huh.
The one who never had strong charm among women pursed his lips a little, even though the two hands holding items had paused. His large, round eyes looked at his two close friends, who had different appearances yet carried a similar aura... the aura of men so charming that anyone would want to turn and look.
Just like Phîi Porsche.
Squeak.
The puppy unconsciously squeezed the box in his hand tighter. His eyes lowered to look at the item in the box. However, what he saw wasn’t the super-cool figure of his beloved anime character, but the image of someone who hadn’t contacted him at all. That person, if he were standing here in the shop with them, would undoubtedly make the Japanese girls turn to look, the type to glance back after he passed.
Phîi Porsche was just as charming as them. And the more he thought like this, the more he missed... he missed him terribly already.
What are you doing, Phîi? Why haven’t you contacted me? Don’t you know Dear isn’t in Thailand anymore? It’s been many days already, Phîi Porsche. Or will you turn back to liking Jae Dream.... You said you loved Dear, remember?
The thoughts of someone hurt to the point of no tears, aching until completely numb. He knew it was wrong towards his sister to think like that, but deep in his heart, it still screamed, Where did Porsche say he loved Dear? Said Jae Dream was a bond, remember? Why, when something like this happened, did he disappear completely? Didn’t stay by Dear’s side, even though he knew well... who exactly pushed him towards his sister?
I (Kuu) am wrong myself. If that day I (Kuu) hadn’t told Dad that Phîi Porsche and Jae Dream were romantic partners, it wouldn’t be like this. If I (Kuu) hadn’t tried to push him away from me... it’s my own fault for making everything tangled into an unsolvable knot.
Squeak.
“I (Kuu) told you (Mueng) already not to ruminate.”
Gasp!
But then, the puppy was utterly startled when a warm touch landed on his shoulder, making him turn around to see his childhood close friend smiling at him. However, Âi'Lexus’s hand was gripping his shoulder tighter, as if saying... I’m right here.
At the same time, even though Âi'Shin-jang had stepped in quietly, his expression showed he was worried, making the person feeling stifled in his chest feel unbelievably better.
In a time that felt empty, as if he were the only one left. In a time when he was pushed away by his family and also edged to the cliff by his sister, he still had a place to breathe... he still had friends.
“Yeah, I (Kuu) am thinking-deeply. But I (Kuu) am thinking about what to buy as souvenirs for the Âi'Sun gang.” Therefore, Dear forced a wide smile, made a face like it was nothing, and then raised a finger to count.
“For Âi'Sunny, I (Kuu) think it has to be something lowbrow, like weird condoms. Âi'Ae, this one definitely needs a football player doll. Âi'Pond, I have to find porn for him. The point is, he has almost every kind already, Sí. As for Âi'Diao, it has to be something actually useful. I (Kuu) think buying him Nissin Cup Noodles, he’d be happier than buying a three-thousand-baht figure. And Âi'Money, only liquor will do...” The person who knew each friend’s nature well said while chuckling softly, but it made the two listeners turn to look at each other.
Someone like Lexus, how could he not see how abnormal Âi'Shorty next door was? The same as Shin, who knew his friend couldn’t lie.
If right now someone said Âi'Chonnon was excessively cheerful, Âi'Dranphat himself was pretending it was nothing, even though in his heart it was more than something. And even though he knew, Lexus went along with it willingly.
“I (Kuu) think for Âi'Sun, glowing condoms probably wouldn’t thrill him. I (Kuu) think find something stronger. Like...”
“A dildo.”
“Hey, are you (Mueng) crazy?!” Dear exclaimed loudly, whipping his head to look at his two friends who had completed the sentence perfectly, as if both had thought the exact same thing, until they had to turn to look at each other.
“How did you (Mueng) know I (Kuu) was going to say that?” the blond-haired one asked first, making the other raise an eyebrow slightly and answer in the manner of someone who had shopped for toys for friends once before.
“What has Âi'Sun ever thought about besides this stuff?”
“Heh, you (Mueng) mean to say a despicable-person like him can’t think above the navel, right?”
“Exactly right.” The two looked at each other for a moment and then...
Slap!
Just raised their hands for a high-five, making Dear’s mouth hang open a little. He could swear by now Âi'Sunny, who was probably annoying Phîi Ryu, would be sneezing his nose off. These two bloody fucking took it to gossip until it was a mess. Although... he completely agreed.
“Yeah, speaking of souvenirs, the area we’re staying in is a shopping district, right? I (Kuu) think I have to find a brand-name bag for Mâe. By now, Dad must be cursing me (Kuu) with lightning speed. But he can’t drag me (Kuu) back to Thailand because Mâe is helping for sure.” Having said that, Lexus shrugged. Honestly, he didn’t care one bit if his dad called to curse him to come back. He just wouldn’t go back, so what could anyone do to him?
A thought fitting of the family’s regular rebellious son, unlike Dear, who fell silent a little.
“Actually, I (Kuu) have to buy for Jae Dream too. If I (Kuu) had told Phîi beforehand I was coming, the shopping list would be as long as a kite’s tail.” Even though he tried to act like it was nothing, when mentioning his sister, his large, round eyes dimmed, making Lexus, who knew the family situation well, squeeze his shoulder a little tighter.
At the same time, Dear could only be still. In his head, he thought only of his good sister, whom no matter how bad she was, he had both respected and loved all along. But the last words he spoke to Phîi before coming here were... Jae Dream lied to Dear.
The anger from feeling betrayed had lessened, faded. Only the feeling of guilt and the confusion of what to do with the tangled relationship remained. Right now, if Jae Dream didn’t like Phîi Porsche, Jae Dream would be helping him, helping solve the problem of what he should do next.
Thud.
But then, Dear paused. The moment he just realized in that second... he had never helped himself. He pushed everything onto Jae Dream entirely.
Let’s see. From the matter of having to move to England with his parents when starting high school, Jae Dream was the one.
The matter of liking Phîi Porsche, Jae Dream was the supporter.
The matter of once feeling extremely hurt because he heard Phîi Porsche call his sister’s name when they were doing something, Jae Dream was also the one who stepped in to handle it.
Even when Dad found out, he pushed the whole matter onto Jae Dream.
Not just matters of love. No matter if the problems in this life were big or small, Jae Dream was the one who stepped in to solve them every time. Only this time, Jae Dream hadn’t come to help.
“I (Kuu) am pathetic.” Therefore, these words escaped from the mouth of the puppy, making the listeners fall silent.
“If there’s no Jae Dream, I (Kuu) am just a losing dog.”
Not even once had he turned to face things himself. Not even... matters of his own heart.
Slump.
“I (Kuu) am going to look at the straw hat. I (Kuu) want to take a straw hat home.” But before anyone could say anything, Dear pulled his shoulder from his friend’s hand, then quickly stepped away to the corner of the shop, and let out an excited cry towards the straw hat placed on the shelf. Meanwhile, the two onlookers secretly sighed.
“How can you (Mueng) stand seeing Âi'Dear like that?” Shin asked first. Even though this short friend was the person in Phîi Oat’s heart, he wasn’t at fault. No matter what, Âi'Dear was his important friend. Seeing him act like it was nothing, while his eyes held traces of tears, made him displeased to the point of wanting to get even.
He had been friends with Âi'Dear for just a year and thought like that, so what about the new friend who had known Dear his whole life?
“I (Kuu) have to bear it. Because he has to learn to turn and face things himself... He will know that on the day he decides to fight, he isn’t standing alone. There’s no need for him to run away like this, not even a little.” Lexus said with a heavy tone, at the moment his phone vibrated softly, making him take it out.
The short message on the screen made the onlooker grip it a little tighter.
“Âi'Dear needs to quickly decide what to do next.”
As usual, that was what they were worried about. Because the person who was running... was still running in circles.
“Going to temples isn’t my style, but the tempura at lunch was really delicious, I tell you.... But anyway, let’s go to the izakaya again tonight.”
Today, the only one still cheerful remained Nǎai Passakorn Akramethakorn, who was flopping down on the sofa in a luxurious Ginza mansion, also inviting his friends eagerly to the izakaya they went to last night. In a way that made Dear glance over before asking suspiciously.
“Why go, Âi'Lex? Our ages aren’t even 20 yet. This isn’t Thailand here, you know, where they sell liquor even to elementary school kids. Last night, the yakitori was delicious, it’s true, but you (Mueng) couldn’t drink liquor anyway. Plus, the cigarette smoke was bloody fucking thick, man. After leaving the shop, I (Kuu) was drunk on smoke.” A question that made the listener turn to look at his friend who, even though born earlier, could always still be a little kid, until he had to laugh.
“Come on. The charm of adult-style shops is beyond your (Mueng) reach.”
“Salad! I (Kuu) am older than you (Mueng)!”
“Born two months earlier, I (Kuu) don’t count. I (Kuu) am not Korean. Born in the same year means the same generation, I tell you.” Lexus said while winking, even though he couldn’t help thinking that Âi'Dear had only grown in body, really. No matter what, he was still just a youth in everyone’s eyes. No wonder his family still treated him like a youth.
“Yeah, Âi'Shin-jang, so where are we going tonight?” When he couldn’t win the argument with his friend, he shouted towards the other side where his redheaded friend had disappeared into the room to wash up.
The call made Shin, who was looking at something in his hand, sigh. His sharp eyes, which usually radiated self-confidence, seemed hesitant for a flicker, and then he put the item in his hand back into his bag as before.
“Before asking me (Kuu), have you (Mueng) finished putting your stuff away yet?” Shin stepped out from the large bedroom, also leaning his hip against the door frame, looking at his little friend who had returned with whatever condition. The state of the bought items was just piled on the living room table like that.
Today, as Lexus said, they toured Asakusa Temple in the morning, ate at a famous tempura restaurant around there, then stopped by Book Off until Âi'Dear managed to dig up dozens of discounted game discs, spending another tens of thousands of yen, and then circled back to drop things off at their room.
“I’ll put them away later. We’re staying here for many more days.”
“But did you (Mueng) buy these and understand them? It’s all Japanese.” This time, Lexus turned to grab the bag containing several dozen game discs to open and look. Most were games without cheat codes available in Thailand, and those that didn’t have an English version made. Then he turned back to lock eyes with the gaming addict who was smiling widely with confidence.
“Not understanding is fine. A gaming master like me (Kuu), muddling through, will win eventually. These are rare, I tell you. Some discs, when I (Kuu) dug them up, I (Kuu) almost screamed out loud. But I was considerate, wá. The staff arranging the discs was bloody fucking adorable. Later, he’d think Thai men are all drama-queens.” Dear said eagerly. Games were another thing that could pull him away from the piled-up problems. But it seemed a story like this made his close friend purse his lips.
“I heard you (Mueng) already have a husband, huh.”
Thud.
As Lexus’s words ended, the entire room was enveloped in silence. In a way that made Shin also sigh heavily. Not because he was weary of his new friend with a mouth without a zipper, similar to Âi'Sun, but because he knew differently that Lexus... was intentional.
He didn’t speak without thinking about anything. Because he thought… that’s why he spoke it out to make Âi'Dear lose face.
“Ah, I (Kuu) am sorry. I (Kuu) let it slip a little.” Then Lexus raised his hands in an apologetic manner, making the puppy give a languid smile.
“I (Kuu) am going to the bathroom for a bit.” Having said that, the person who was running away stood up and quickly stepped into the bathroom, making Shin murmur softly.
“Do you (Mueng) think this method will work? I (Kuu) don’t want my friend to jump in front of a train to commit suicide here, you know.”
A question to which Lexus only remained silent and didn’t answer, even though he had an answer for himself in his heart.
Âi'Dear is close to exploding. Hopefully the other person won’t be impatient, can’t bear it first.
Hey, I (Kuu) am splitting off here. Don’t worry. I (Kuu) can find my own way back.
“Âi'Lex, you bloody fucking abandoned your friends.”
After leaving their accommodation, they all took the train and got off at Roppongi, a source of nighttime entertainment for nightlife seekers. However, Shin wasn’t taking the little friend who had been sullen since Lexus let something slip to broaden his horizons. His destination was Roppongi Hills, one of the best viewing spots in Tokyo.
That’s right. As soon as Lexus knew where they were now, the freedom-loving young man who loved neon lights immediately asked to go explore on his own. It’s not that he had never been to Japan, but coming with family, he couldn’t be too wild. So given the opportunity... Lexus just asked to go all out a little.
“Heh, or will you (Mueng) go clubbing with him?”
“No. Last night, I (Kuu) still haven’t recovered from being drunk on smoke. But what about you (Mueng)? Lately, you seem to be smoking heavier than ever.” Dear shook his head immediately, then turned back to ask his half-Thai friend, whom he knew somewhat smoked but rarely smoked in front of him. But since coming to Japan together, he had seen him light up many times.
The question made the listener fall silent for a bit before acting like it was nothing.
“I (Kuu) have a little something to think about, so I (Kuu) smoke. But if you (Mueng) are annoyed by the smell, tell me (Kuu). I (Kuu) am not addicted. I (Kuu) can not smoke in front of you (Mueng).” Shin said simply, even though he knew well why he had been smoking heavier than ever lately. Yes, he smoked but wasn’t addicted. That he was smoking heavier than ever now was because of someone.
Trying to cut ties, but it still lingered in his brain and heart, until... it couldn’t be severed.
The thoughts of the person who gripped something in his pants tighter, then loosened his hand, leading his friend up to the Tokyo City View floor, which now had fewer people than during the day because the top rooftop deck was closed. But for Shin, he said the night view of Tokyo was more beautiful than the daytime.
At least at night, you could see the lights from Tokyo Skytree and Tokyo Tower more clearly. Also, the restaurants up there were more pleasant to sit in than during the day.
“No, I (Kuu) am not annoyed. I (Kuu) am just worried. If you (Mueng) smoke heavily, I’m (Kuu) afraid you (Mueng) will get addicted, you know. Then later, you (Mueng) won’t be able to quit, just right.” Dear shook his head immediately, also speaking with concern, making the listener chuckle in his throat.
A friend... this is probably why everyone loves Âi'Dear. Even when he himself is almost dead, he still doesn’t fail to worry about others.
“Yeah, I (Kuu) will lighten up a little. But can’t help it. Lately, my mouth is lonely, I tell you.”
“Well, Phîi Oat isn’t coming with you (Mueng), is he?” Seizing the chance, Dear couldn’t help but tease, even though his large, round eyes radiated full-on meddlesome light. Meaning, he still wondered, in this couple, who was on top and who was on bottom? Also, the conversation with Phîi Oat echoed in his head confidently, believing that side loved Âi'Shin quite a lot.
Or does Phîi Oat love him so much that he yields to Âi'Shin-jang? But bloody fuck, I (Kuu) can’t picture it. Same as Âi'Shin-jang, that one. How would he moan when Phîi Oat hugs him, huh?
Thoughts that were expressed a bit too much on his face, until Shin turned and smacked his skull once.
“It hurts, you know! Why hit my (Kuu) head?”
“Hit to wake you (Mueng) up. Don’t come meddle in my (Kuu) business.” Words that made the listener purse his lips, following his friend out of the elevator, and then he saw... the night view of Tokyo.
“Beautiful, I tell you.” Dear said casually as he looked at the nighttime scenery with only clear glass panes installed all around the floor. Against the glass corners, there were seats for tourists to take photos, which were mostly reserved by young romantic partner couples leaning closely together.
The compliment made the listener smile a little, and then he beckoned for his friend to follow. Passing many seats, he stopped and pointed to the view ahead.
“This spot is exactly halfway between Skytree and Tokyo Tower.” Shin said simply, unlike the listener, who took out his phone to record the image. And perhaps it was good luck for both of them that the romantic partner couple sitting on the bench in front got up just right. Shin therefore moved to sit instead and pulled his friend to sit with him, unable to help being amused.
If he and Âi'Dear were romantic partners, it would be romantic. But right now, taking two people hurt by love to be together... really bizarre, I tell you.
“And why do I (Kuu) have to come look at a beautiful view with a man together?” It was Dear who spoke up first, even though trying to suppress some feelings in his heart.
He wanted Phîi Porsche to be here too.
“A man like me (Kuu) coming to see a view with a man together isn’t strange. But what’s strange is why I (Kuu) have to come sit and look with you (Mueng).” And then Âi'Shin-jang didn’t hold back. Okay, he is gay. For him to come see a view with a woman is impossible. But being with me (Kuu), is it that wrong? Yeah, right. I (Kuu) am not your Phîi Oat.
Thoughts of someone who wanted to bare his fangs, also saying with a heavy voice.
“Yeah, I (Kuu) know it’s not Phîi Oat.”
“...” It was another time Shin fell silent, making his close friend also surprised, turning to look at his face before pausing. Because even though the light here wasn’t very bright, his expression seemed... hurt.
“I (Kuu) broke up with Phîi.”
"Huh?!!!!"
But then, the half-Thai young man said flatly, making the listener’s mouth hang open, whipping his head to look before letting out a loud shout, not caring how others looked, before turning back to look at his friend who was staring intently. Unlike Shin, who turned to bow an apology.
“Quiet down, Âi'Dear. Don’t make me (Kuu) use the ‘actually being Chinese’ joke...”
“Âi'Shin-jang, I (Kuu) am not laughing! Why did you break up with Phîi Oat when Phîi loves you (Mueng) that much?!”
Phîi Oat never loved me. The person he still loves is you, Dear.
Thoughts of someone who retorted to his friend flatly.
“And why... when you (Mueng) and Phîi Porsche love each other that much, did you (Mueng) still run away?”
Thud.
Dear was already frozen. The words he would say, the voice he would utter, the body that would lunge forward to ask What the hell are you doing? all came to a standstill. Unlike his eyes, which flickered, radiating a pained light as if a sharp object had stabbed through his heart.
"I (Kuu)..."
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
However, before Dear could answer, the phone in his pants vibrated softly, making the person who couldn’t speak turn to grab it instead of confronting his friend’s gaze. And his heart almost stopped beating when he saw who was calling... Jae Dream.
A name that Shin also saw, because the half-Thai young man was the one to stand up and say flatly.
“The other side has a small bar. When you (Mueng) are done, then follow me (Kuu) there.”
Shin left. But the person sitting amidst the romantic atmosphere became even more gloomy and sad. His eyes just looked at his sister’s name on the screen, while the hand holding the phone trembled slightly.
Should he answer or not?
The phone vibrated until it stopped once, and then it vibrated again until the onlooker wanted to turn it off, wanted to throw it away, wanted to close his ears and eyes, didn’t want to know the news from Thailand. However, it was his friend’s words that were the driving force making him press answer even though his hands were shaking.
Didn’t want to run. Didn’t want to run anywhere anymore. There was no more road left for someone like Âi'Dranphat to run.
[Dear, it’s me (dì-chǎn).]
Dear gripped the phone tighter as his sister’s voice came through the line. His small heart beat slower, frighteningly so. Even though he missed his sister more than anyone, he also didn’t want to see her more than anyone.
[Are you listening?]
After a long pause. “...Yes, Khâa.” A single short word that the person on this end uttered, and then he heard a sigh.
[I (dì-chǎn) will not apologize to Dear for what happened. But I (dì-chǎn) will ask: will you let it continue like this, or... I (dì-chǎn) know I am wrong, but will you run away like this and leave all the problems here?]
A question Dear wanted to ask back: Yes, Dear created the problem. Then why did Jae Dream come interfere between Dear and Phîi Porsche? Why, Khâa?... Wanted to ask even though knowing that he himself was the one at fault, was the selfish person who wanted his sister to do everything for him like she always had been.
“...” Therefore, he couldn’t say anything, until he heard his sister sigh again as if the other side had lost patience.
[Uncle Sak is about to arrange an engagement between me (dì-chǎn) and Porsche.]
Slump.
The moment he heard that, the listener’s eyes widened. The hand holding the phone went weak until it dropped to his side. He didn’t hear his sister’s voice saying anything after that, along with a single teardrop that welled up in his eyes before falling and hitting his cheek.
Amidst the dim romantic lights. Amidst the beautiful scenery. Amidst the romantic partner couples full of happiness, Nǎai Dranphat had no one. Not even a friend by his side. There were only teardrops flowing from both eyes along with a path... that was blocked.
Finished. The escape route for Âi'Dear. Truly finished. No longer knew which way to step, since.... every path was a chasm.
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