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“Dream, I (chǎn) can't do it."
“Then what will you do? Will you let everything go back to the way it was every single time?”
Inside the office, Purin was staring at his close friend whose face was no less stressed. However, what came out of Dream's mouth did not make him agree in the slightest. Therefore, the young man said once more.
“I can't do it.”
Bang!
This time, Darinphan could not remain still either. Her two hands slammed thud down on the middle of the desk, while using her brilliant eyes to stare at her friend to convey that she was also serious now.
“I (chǎn) didn't ask you (Khun) whether you (Khun) could or couldn't. I (chǎn) am telling you (Khun), you (Khun) must do it.” The young woman emphasized the words "must do," her voice resounding in the room. And that made the listener gnash his teeth. Dear's expression and demeanor flashed into his head, and he asked back with an equally displeased tone.
“And Dear must cry, is that it?”
“Then what will you (Mueng) do? Let him cry his heart out just for now, or let him cry for the rest of his life? No, I (chǎn) won't help that damned-nuisance Nông anymore. Since he wants to push both me (chǎn) and you (Mueng) out so badly, then let him have his wish! Since now I (chǎn) have to break up with Phîi Tawan according to his demand, therefore you (Mueng) must take responsibility!” Dream continued speaking in a decisive tone, indicating that what was said was something Khun Purin must follow. And that made the listener ask in a voice more strained.
“And if it doesn't work?” The listener smiled coldly, yet the voice that spoke out was cold.
“You (Mueng) and he must break up.”
Dream's words were telling Purin that... he had to stake everything on this action.
Almost two weeks had passed since the big fight... almost fourteen days that had transformed Dear from a cheerful person into one who was despondent and listless. In the morning, he would take his sister's car to school. In the evening, he would return and shut himself in his room. He didn't speak, didn't chat, didn't associate with anyone, until everyone in the house was worried about him. But that still hadn't softened the heart of the person who was his Phôo. Moreover, he was quite pleased with certain changes.
“Dressed so beautifully. Where are you going, Dream?” Khun Yut opened his mouth to ask his daughter, who today was dressed in a solid black dress, low-cut at the back to reveal a smooth, fair back, showing an alluring figure. Her pretty face was made up sharply, in a way that made the beautiful girl turn to smile sweetly.
“I (chǎn) have a date with a friend. I (chǎn) am taking the fiancé-to-be to show off.”
Thud.
Dear, who was opening the fridge to get water, froze his hand, almost letting the water bottle fall plop to the floor. He turned his big eyes to look at his sister, not understanding, before pressing his lips together when Dream told her Phôo amusingly.
“My (chǎn) friends are making a big fuss, Pa. They said they knew it, that they couldn't escape each other. In the end, the faculty's star ended up with the Faculty Moon... I (chǎn) even kept saying that actually, Dream secretly dated Porsche since school days, but they broke up, and then got back together again.” The eavesdropper could only bow his head. Even though his hand held the ice-cold water bottle, why didn't he feel the cold emanating from it at all?
No. Jae Dream is just acting, just helping me (Kuu)... It's nothing... It's nothing at all.
“Hmm. So did you actually date before?” The person who was the Phôo asked with interest, while observing the reaction of his son who seemed to be standing still in front of the fridge. And that made the daughter say in a bright voice.
“Well, more than friends, but not romantic partners. Before we knew it, he became the fiancé-to-be.”
Thud!
“What's wrong, Âi'Dear? Slippery hands or what?”
“N... No.” When Jae Dream turned to meet his eyes, the person who let the water bottle roll to the floor hurriedly grabbed it back, saying in a trembling voice, and then mumbled that he was going upstairs, at the same moment the doorbell rang. The Phîi ran towards the front of the house and called out.
“Come in, Porsche.” Just knowing who was at the front of the house, the younger son clenched his fist tight. Even though he had pushed Jae Dream towards Phîi Porsche, seeing the intimacy that exceeded friendship these past few days, he almost lost heart... The feeling that had hurt before was attacking the same spot again.
What did Phîi Porsche once think about Jae Dream? And what if this closeness makes Phîi Porsche think he loves Jae Dream, and I (Kuu) am the mistake?... If it's like that, what will Âi'Dear do?
The question made the little-one clench the water bottle tightly, then immediately walk across and up to the second floor. At the moment the neighbor stepped inside, the second their eyes met, Dear's heart leapt when he saw that Phîi Porsche still looked at him the same way. But he choked up when that gaze passed on to someone else.
Swoosh.
“I heard you're taking your aunt's son to introduce him, Porsche?”
“Yes. It so happens my Phôo knows my friend. He mentioned that I'm getting married, so the whole group knows...” The moment he reached the top of the stairs, Dear slumped down behind the stair railing, listening to the voices downstairs that were chatting intimately. Even though his Phôo's voice was still stern, seeing that Phîi Porsche had come to see his eldest daughter made his tone soften gradually.
“Good. Actually, Uncle has wanted you as a son-in-law for a while now. Getting your wish like this is good.”
Refuse, Phîi Porsche. Please. Even though Dear is selfish, refuse Bpǎa, please.
“Yes.”
“With Uncle's daughter.” His Phôo still wanted confirmation, and the young man's answer made the eavesdropper hurt almost to the point of madness.
“Yes. With Dream.”
Then what about Dear? What about this puppy, Phîi Porsche!!!!
Swoosh.
The thoughts of the person who rushed into the bedroom immediately. He didn't want to hear anything more than this. His small heart ached as if something was stabbing into it. Just thinking of the image of Jae Dream being the person Porsche held, and coming to take his place, his heart hurt almost to madness.
“Just acting. Just waiting for Bpǎa and Máa to return to England... Not long now... Not long...” In the end, he could only take a deep breath and step close to the window edge, pulling the curtain up a bit. And then he saw his Phîi, arm in arm with his romantic partner, walking straight towards the beautiful Aston Martin parked in front of the house.
That position was his. That seat was his. That embrace was his.
Phîi Porsche belongs to Dear, not Jae Dream.
He belongs to me (Kuu). But not a single person wants to give him to me (Kuu).
The thoughts of the person who slumped down onto the bed, his eyes gazing far away, along with the thought of what he was doing, and what he should do next.
“I really don't know... about Phîi Porsche. Dear doesn't know what to do anymore.”
“I (Kuu) want to run far away... anywhere without this bloody fucking matter haunting me (Kuu).” The person who was using a spoon to push around the rice, barely touched, muttered softly. And that made the person eating noodles across from him look up, observing Âi'Dear whose condition was worsening every day. His attractive face looked dull, his big eyes were dark and deeply sunken, his fresh red lips were dry, his white cheeks were pale almost all the time, not to mention his dragging walk like those zombie movies.
“What are you (Mueng) running from?”
“Everything. I (Kuu) don't want to see the look in Pa's eyes that looks at me (Kuu) with disappointment all the time. I (Kuu) don't want to hear Bpǎa say Phîi Porsche should be with Jae Dream. I (Kuu) don't want to see how suitable those two are. I (Kuu) don't want to be forced to study in England. I (Kuu) don't want anyone to tell me (Kuu) that me (Kuu) and Phîi Porsche can't love each other. I (Kuu) want to run away. I (Kuu) want to leave this bloody fucking matter behind and go somewhere far away. I (Kuu) don't want to know anything at all.” The answer made Shin want to push his head hard and ask...
You (Mueng) can run till you (Mueng) die, you (Mueng) still won't escape. Whenever you (Mueng) come back, the problems will still be piled up in the same place.
However, his demeanor made him unable to say it. Besides shaking his head, he then answered. “This break, I (Kuu) am going back to Japan... Want to come with me (Kuu)? Free lodging, just pay for the ticket and some meals. On days we eat at home, no need to go out.” The invitation, if it had been a month ago, would have made Âi'Dear jump for sure. But now, his interest was only in... being able to run somewhere far away and being by himself for a while.
“When are you (Mueng) going?”
“About two days after finals end.”
“I (Kuu) want to go, but...” Shin already knew there would be a 'but.' The speaker sighed heavily, bowing his head to push the rice around with a gloomy look.
“I (Kuu) don't even know what my (Kuu) life will be like then. Finals are in just a few weeks, right? My (Kuu) Phôo still shows no sign of returning to England. He won't tell me (Kuu) when asked, just says he'll buy a car and then I (Kuu) don't have to stay at Phîi Porsche's condo. Drive back and forth.”
“That's far, you (Mueng).”
“Hee. Choose between driving to school or starting school anew in England.” The listener fell silent immediately. He knew his friend's situation well, being pressured from all sides by the adults. At home, people kept watch so they couldn't meet. Going out, he had to return on time. His class schedule was in his Phôo's hands. It could be said he could barely move. And someone like Âi'Dear couldn't do something extreme like leaving home ignoring his parents' words.
If he could really do that, he wouldn't be running from his problems like this.
“Anyway, thank you (Shin). I (Kuu) might be able to go with you (Mueng).” Dear said softly, before sighing another heave, his gaze stretching far away, before remembering something.
“You (Mueng) going back to Japan like this, what about Phîi Oat?”
Thud.
The listener was silent for a bit, before shaking his head.
“It has nothing to do with Phîi Oat.”
“But you (Shin) and he...” Dear's voice trailed off a bit when the other party's face became blank, looking somehow scary until he didn't dare ask further. Shin merely said dismissively.
“Whatever me (Kuu) and he are, he can't forbid what I (Kuu) do.” Having said that, the speaker bent down to attend to his own plate of noodles again, while telling himself in his heart.
I (Kuu) might break up with him before the break, you know, Âi'Dear.
Today the professor canceled class, so Âi'Dranphat, who should have been in class, was sitting dazedly in front of the faculty building. He didn't feel like going home at all. Truthfully, he wanted to call Phîi Porsche, wanted to go see him, wanted to ask how he was. But suddenly, he felt afraid... He was afraid of change.
Soon... No, right now I (Kuu) must not contact Phîi Porsche. I (Kuu) must make Pa feel at ease so he will return to England.
The reason Dear repeated to himself, telling himself what he was doing. But this thought didn't make him feel any better at all. He knew well that no matter what, everything would return to the same cycle. Even if his Phôo and Mâe flew out of the country, don't forget that Uncle Sak and Aunt Ni are still here. They are still watching... No chance to get back together at all.
The more he thought, the more this puppy couldn't settle his thoughts. Everything was rushing in until he didn't know what to do.
"... D... Dear..."
Pat.
Gasp!!!
The person who was immersed in his own thoughts could only startle violently when someone placed a hand on his shoulder. And just turning to look, he saw a familiar face that looked quite worried about him.
“Phîi Oat.”
“It's me. Are you alright? Where have all your friends gone?” Oat happened to pass by this way, intending to go to the usual shop as arranged with someone.
But seeing the strange demeanor of his junior, he stepped over to greet him, and found that Dear looked different. The junior named Dear that he knew was a cheerful person, smiled a lot, and was so bright that one had to smile along. But the Dear at this moment was not like the youth he knew.
The atmosphere seemed gloomier than ever. The attractive face looked weary and worrying. And the bright eyes had changed to gloomy sadness until he secretly felt his heart ache too.
“I... don't know.”
“Huh?”
“And don't first-years have class?”
“I don't know.”
“Dear.” The questioner began to realize it was very abnormal, when the junior kept saying he didn't know. So just calling his name, and then sitting down next to him, the person who said he didn't know bowed his head.
Pat.
“I don't know, don't know... I don't know anything at all... I don't know what to do, I don't know any bloody fucking thing... I don't know anymore... I don't know...”
“Hey, calm down.” Oat was at a loss for what to do when the little-one was using the back of his hand to rub over his face, still mumbling 'don't know.' This pair of small shoulders trembled so much he could feel it. The demeanor of having something on his mind made the onlooker pause for a moment.
Swoosh.
“Dear...” The person who was letting out tears of frustration looked up, before seeing the kind smile of the person who stood up first. Then the tall senior asked with a smile.
“Want to go for a drive?... The car you said was cool like in the game.”
The invitation that the puppy nodded to easily.
“Feeling a bit better?”
“Maybe, Khráp.”
Dear knew well that he was acting extremely weak, and also supremely embarrassing. But he didn't feel embarrassed at all when he sat on the back of Phîi Oat's minibike, and Phîi Oat told him...
Go ahead and cry. Cry it all out. With the car speeding like this, no one will see Dear crying.
He didn't know if it was because of these words or because he already wanted to cry. Just as Phîi Oat accelerated until the wind rushed against his body, he clutched the senior's shirt tightly, buried his face against the broad back, and let his tears flow in a stream, unable to hold them back any longer.
Alright. Dear understood now. In times of weakness, just having someone by his side made him feel better.
He didn't know how long he cried for. He only knew the frustration had subsided unbelievably, as if blown away by the wind rushing past at speed. Until now, he came to sit like a puffy-eyed puppy in the nice atmosphere restaurant that Phîi Oat brought him to.
“I am sorry for troubling Phîi Oat, Khráp.”
“I didn't say I was troubled at all, Ná.” Oat said with a smile, ordering a few light things, in a way that made Dear open his mouth to ask.
“Aren't you going to ask why I was crying, Khráp?”
“You know something...” Oat paused for a moment, while thinking of another person, before the corner of his mouth lifted... “I think if people want to tell, they'll tell on their own. But if they don't want to tell, asking till you die probably won't make them speak.”
Pat.
Yes. Shin was like that. If he would tell, he'd tell himself. It just depended on whether he'd speak the truth or lie.
The answer made Dear pause for a bit, before bowing his head to look at his own hands.
“I... once asked Phîi Oat about a friend having problems with a romantic partner, right, Khráp?” The listener remembered the time the junior in front told his own story but said it was about a friend, so he nodded in acknowledgement. This made the puppy smile slightly, and something unknown inspired him to tell it.
“That time, I was asking about myself... Even though I love my romantic partner very much, and he loves me, but would you believe it, Phîi Oat, suddenly we can't love each other. Our parents, none of them can accept it. No one accepts what happened. My Phôo tells us to break up. No, his actions are what force the break-up. The way my Phôo looks at me now is like I am a bizarre creature, something that isn't his son. He wants my romantic partner to be with my Phîi, not me. And it's my own fault for lying that we weren't anything to each other. But at that time, I only thought that I didn't want there to be problems, I didn't want the adults to scold us. But I never thought everything would become like this.”
Dear bowed his head even lower, hardly seeing the face of the person opposite at all. And that made Oat, who was looking at the little-one who seemed to have become even smaller, look at him with sympathetic eyes.
He somewhat understood that Dear's parents probably knew about Dear dating a man. The demeanor made him pause in thought for just a moment, before making a decision.
“Does Dear like this shop?”
“Khráp?” The trembling person looked up to meet his eyes, not understanding why the other party changed the subject abruptly, before looking around the comfortable atmosphere shop that seemed more like a restaurant than a bar around the university. Moreover, the fragrant smell of drinks wafted in the air.
To tell the truth, he would say he liked it.
“This is the shop I once told Dear about, that I'd find it, remember?” The listener vaguely remembered that Phîi Oat said he'd take him out for a meal since first semester, but everything had gone quiet.
“Do you know why I never brought Dear here even once?”
Shake shake shake shake.
The puppy shook his head vigorously, making Oat smile.
“Because I liked Dear.”
The listener's eyes widened, his body stiffening immediately at the senior who said... liked him. Liked this Âi'Dear?!
“Phîi... li... liked...” The stunned expression, mouth agape, tongue tied, made Oat elaborate further.
“I should say I used to like, actually.” Because now he didn't like Dear anymore. The heart that once ached didn't feel that way anymore. Now he only had feelings of sympathy and pity more than heartache on his behalf, so he had to explain before Dear interpreted it too far.
“Last semester, no, during the past break, I still liked Dear. The reason I never brought you here even once was because I felt that way about Dear. But Dear already had someone else. I thought it probably wouldn't be good to bring Dear here while feeling that way about Dear.”
“Th... then why did you just tell Dear now?” The person who had just been confessed to asked in a trembling voice, forgetting his own sad matter for a moment, still stunned.
He had to continue.
Me (Kuu)? That Phîi Oat? Liked me (Kuu)!
“And if I had told Dear earlier, would Dear have turned to like me?”
Thud.
The question made the listener fall silent immediately, along with the answer that rushed into his heart.
“No... No, Khráp... Dear didn't feel that way about Phîi Oat.” The listener had somewhat known already, until
“See? Even if I had told Dear then, it would have been useless.”
“Then what's the use of telling Dear now?” Right now, Âi'Dear didn't even know what he was asking. Was he making the listener feel bad? He was still stunned. But that didn't make Oat think deeply. He just reached out to touch the back of the junior's hand, making Dear almost pull his hand back. But something made him remain still.
“I just want to ask, will Dear give up on your romantic partner, even though you've already given me a broken heart?”
"Huh?"
“I don't want Dear to give up. Even though Dear's parents don't accept it, I want to say that what Dear has shown clearly is that Dear never left any opening for anyone else... If Dear loves your romantic partner that much, I don't want Dear to give up easily. You can cry, but don't give up. Don't let that stable relationship, that I was jealous of, fall apart...”
"…What I am telling Dear now, I am not hoping to intervene or anything at all. I just want to say there's a man who once liked Dear supporting what Dear is doing. I just want to say... don't let the puppy's heart break, Ná.”
Even though they were talking about serious matters, somehow this Âi'Dear laughed out loud. He laughed loudly when meeting the sharp eyes that shone with seriousness.
Phîi Oat's reason is supremely cute. Don't give up, because he went through the trouble of having his heart broken for you already... Wow, can you say that?
“I am serious. I avoided Dear for a month.”
“And now, Phîi...” The puppy asked with interest, making the listener break into a smile.
“Not anymore. Seeing you as a junior is better. Much more comfortable.”
“Hah. Isn't it that someone else has taken my place, Khráp?” This time, the sad person teased, wanting to know, since that bloody fucking stubborn half-Thai friend wouldn't tell, so he'd ask the person in front. The demeanor made Oat smile faintly, but he agreed to say it straight out.
“You could say that.”
“Is it Âi'Shin?!!!” Dear asked right to the point, and even lifted his face eagerly, making the other party merely shake his head. Not to deny, just...
“I won't tell.”
“Wow, tell me, please, Phîi Oat, Ná. Âi'Dear wants to know!”
“So, not sad anymore, or what?” The question made the listener freeze, before pressing his face against the table, then taking Phîi Oat's hand and placing it pat on his head, and mumbling softly.
“No. Pet my head a bit, Phîi Oat.”
“I just said I liked you, Dear. Don't you think it'll give me hope?”
“Brother and Nông, Phîi Oat. The Nông is sad. Pet his head a bit. I am separated from the person who usually pets me. Help this Nông, will you? No, help your romantic partner's friend, will you? I am really going to die, you know.” The words made the listener shake his head a little, looking at the person who had instantly transformed into his Nông, and who now fully believed that he and Shin were something, making him both endeared and amused, having to pat his head lightly like petting a puppy.
“Like that, Phîi.”
“Are we a dog or what?”
“Mmm. I'll be one for Phîi Porsche. Phîi Porsche likes petting my head like this. You pet it a bit, Phîi. Then Dear will have the spirit to fight on.” The words sounded like he wasn't sad, but the pitiful expression that said how afraid he really was made Oat ruffle his head gently as encouragement.
“I am cheering for you.”
“I... will try, Phîi Oat.” Dear looked up, before saying with a sense of guilt about something he had never been aware of.
“I am sorry, Phîi Oat, that I never knew. And thank you for telling me now that you don't look at me that way anymore.” Because if he had said it while still liking him, he probably wouldn't have been able to face Phîi Oat, and would have definitely avoided him.
“Don't you think I might be lying? Actually, I might have said it because I wanted to get close to Dear.”
The words made the puppy shake his head slowly, pulling his head out from the large hand, and then giving a faint smile.
“No. You already have Âi'Shin-jang.” The listener smiled back, and then nodded slightly.
Yes. He had Shin already. That hard-to-understand red-headed youth who, when you looked deeper... was attractive to the point it was hard to look away.
But at this time, the person being talked about was parking his car in front of the shop. A pair of sharp eyes looked at the intimate scene of the two people, and then picked up his phone to look at the short message that the other party had invited him with.
Come eat dinner at the usual shop today. I want to eat with you...
He hadn't replied. But he had come as Phîi Oat said, to see his own romantic partner being with his close friend, at a time when it was empty and there was no one. He didn't want to think badly, but Shin could only think that no matter what, the other party still chose Âi'Dear over this Âi'Shin-jang. Even bringing him to his favorite shop where he had arranged to meet him.
The thought made the onlooker lean his head against the car seat, close his eyes, while the deep voice spoke to himself.
“Ha. Really can't do it, can you? Make a steadfast person change his heart to like you (Mueng). You (Mueng) really can't do it, can you, Âi'Shin-jang.”
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