Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
“How could you (Thooe) do this!!!”
Inside Dear's bedroom, after everyone had dispersed according to the older person's absolute order, the two siblings were standing confronting each other in the middle of the room. And it was Dream who asked in a strong voice, her eyes clearly showing anger, including a desire to kill the stupid Nông in front of her.
“Âi'Dear, don't you give me (chǎn) the silent treatment!” Darinphan hissed in a whisper, fearing their Bì-daa might come in and listen too. It was just as well that Phôo decided to talk again tomorrow, otherwise she would have thrown a tantrum in the middle of the group saying she wouldn't get married!
Definitely not with Porsche. No way. It's just like him, that he definitely wouldn't marry her. Because of this stupid puppy who was giving her the silent treatment.
“Then what does Jae Dream want me to do?” The question made the listener stare at her Nông silently, seeing only his distant eyes and his demeanor as if he was about to collapse, making her clench her fist tightly.
“Just shut up and let Porsche handle the rest! Not use your (Thooe) dim-witted brain to solve the problem until it's tangled up in a mess like this!!!” Dream poked her Nông's head hard with her finger until his face slumped. However, the whiny youth merely turned to give a listless smile and walked to slump sitting on the middle of the bed.
“Mmm. I'm dim-witted. I can only think this much.”
The demeanor made the young woman want to scream in his face, before following to sit on the bed, yanking her brother's arm to make him turn and meet her eyes.
“Do you (Thooe) know what will happen because of what you (Thooe) did? Not only will Bpǎa keep an eye on you (Thooe) and Porsche, but it includes me (chǎn) too. And did you hear what Uncle Sak said? He will have your (Thooe) Phîi marry Porsche. Marry your (Thooe) Phǔa, you know, Dear! Do you (Thooe) know what that means..."
“Then what does Jae want me to do!?!”
Before Dream could finish her outburst, her Nông turned snap to speak, half-shouting, his face pale and white to the point of being pitiful. And what was pent up in his heart poured out immediately.
“Jae tell me! Tell this dim-wit what I should do! Jae saw it too. No one could accept it. Máa fainted. Bpǎa was furious. Jae saw it, didn't you, that Uncle Sak punched Phîi Porsche? Did you hear how Uncle scolded Porsche? He couldn't accept it. Does Jae see that no one can accept your younger sibling's love? It should be like this. It should be Jae Dream who loves Phîi Porsche. It should be Jae whose relationship everyone accepts. Not Dear. Not this stupid dog who will never get to stand beside Porsche. Do you hear me?!!!” Many words poured out along with the teardrops the speaker was trying his utmost to hold back.
At this time, his big round eyes were red and bruised, and also gloomy. His attractive face was pale. His two hands were clenched into tight fists. Not to mention his demeanor, trying to hold back tears until his body shook.
“I will never get to be with Phîi Porsche forever... No... Sob... Impossible...” Having said that, the person whose whole heart ached lay down, then pulled the blanket up to cover himself completely, indicating he didn't want to talk anymore. And that made Dream stand up, her beautiful pair of eyes staring at her Nông's form.
The Nông she had taken care of too well, paid too much attention to, until he became like this.
“And so you (Thooe) will just keep running away, is that it, Dear?”
There was no answering sound from the form lying down. And that made the young woman turn and leave the room in complete silence.
Bang
“Sob... Dear is sorry... Phîi Porsche, Jae Dream, sob... Dear... is sorry, sorry... Sob... Sorry...”
Even though the blanket made his body warm, the heart of this Âi'Dranphat was cold and piercing until it trembled. No matter how hard he tried to hug the pillow... it was still cold to the core.
***
“From now on, Phîi Tawan doesn't have to come see Dream anymore, Khâa.”
“What do you mean, Dream?”
Outside the gate, Darinphan was standing face to face with the tall young man, the owner of the clear-framed glasses, who was asking without understanding. The sharp pair of eyes stared at the pretty face that today looked clearly weary, but the eyes clearly showed determination, until the hand holding the bag of snacks for the young woman in front of him clenched tightly. His heart beat fast with fear.
“Phîi Tawan has been pursuing Dream for almost two years now, Khâa...”
“Yes. Next month I will complete the deadline Dream gave me.” Tawan said softly. He remembered well the agreement between him and the young woman in front of him. After trying to get close for a full year, Dream told him she would agree to date if he could endure everything for two years. Two years from that day was the proof, and it would be complete next month.
The next month for which he had prepared everything to surprise this young woman. But Dream was saying... don't come see me (chǎn) anymore.
It made the listener turn his face away. “Or is it... some kind of test, Khâa?” Tawan tried to force a smile, and that…
“I (chǎn) am sorry... Sorry that I made you waste your time... 1 year of pursuing me and another 1 year and 11 months of being with me... I'm sorry for making you, Phîi Tawan, get tied to this young woman...”
Pat.
“Dream, don't talk like that. Tell me, what happened? What is this?” The young man grabbed her slender hand immediately, and also asked in a pleading tone. His heart was aching badly from the answer the young woman vaguely said... it was over.
At this time, Darinphan could only take a deep breath, control her own emotions, then turn back to lift her head a little and meet the other's eyes.
“I (chǎn) am sorry, Phîi Tawan. But Dream thought it over carefully, and Dream wants more stability in life than this, which you, Phîi Tawan, cannot give Dream. Unlike another man...”
“Dream!!!” The cruel words coming from Dream's mouth made the listener call out as if he couldn't believe his ears. But that didn't make the speaker pause. She just continued in a steady tone.
“Do you remember that friend of Dream, Porsche?... Dream will marry him. Now Dream's Phôo is back from England, and the older people have agreed on this matter. I (chǎn) am sorry for telling you, Phîi Tawan, so late. And I (chǎn) am sorry that Dream hesitated, not knowing who to choose. But now Dream has chosen...” The slender form pulled the large hand off her own hand, lifted her head to meet his eyes, and gave a smile.
“May you, Phîi Tawan, have good luck and not have to meet a bad young woman like Dream again, Khâa.” Having said that, the speaker turned and entered the house.
Pat.
“Dream!!! It's not true. Dream isn't that kind of person. The Dream I know well...” Tawan ran to grab her shoulder just in time, and said in a pleading voice.
“Dream, Khâa. What did I do wrong? Tell me. I will improve in every way...”
“You, Phîi Tawan, be ten times richer, Khâa. Then Dream will consider it.” Dream said with the cruelest words, then pulled her shoulder away. Her slender legs hurriedly stepped into the house, not wanting to look at this young man's face any longer. Until she stepped inside the inner fence, the young woman turned to look at someone.
“Satisfied now, are you? This is what you wanted, isn't it.”
Sob.
The first tear of the strongest young woman fell and touched her cheek, when she spoke to her Nông who was sitting hugging his knees right there. Hearing every word her Phîi forced herself to say to the man she loved, Dear's heart ached until it went numb when he saw the tears of his sister who almost never cried.
“Jae...” Just as Dear called out, the person who was the Phîi lifted her head, then walked into the house without wanting to hear anything more from her Nông.
Enough. She had helped it with everything. Helped until she destroyed her own life.
The image of Dear letting his tears fall, burying his face against his knees when everything was going badly because of himself, because of him alone. In this matter, the people hurt weren't just him and Phîi Porsche. But he was dragging countless other people to hurt with him.
“Dear is sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Dear is sorry...”
***
“What the bloody fuck is this, Âi'Dear!!!
After skipping school for several days, and also turning off his phone to escape, today Dear finally dragged his carcass to school. And the moment his close friend saw his face, Âi'Sun rushed over to grab his arm and ask with an extremely angry demeanor. Just looking, one could tell he must have heard about it from his Phîi. The despondent and listless person merely gave a faint smile.
“What bloody fuck? You (Mueng) see my (Kuu) face and just say 'bloody fuck' to me (Kuu), huh.”
“Âi'Dear! You (Mueng) don't need to change the subject. What is this about you (Mueng) and Phîi Porsche? Why is Jae Dream going to marry Phîi Porsche?!” Sun shouted in his face. Even though his Phîi acted like it was nothing, that kind of demeanor was abnormal enough for anyone to know.
Phîi Tawan never cried. But a strong man like his Phîi, who was the eldest son who knew hardship since the days when their parents had no money for food, the person who tried to study, tried to work hard until their family had what they had today, cried! Phîi Tawan cried! And the person who made his Phîi shed tears was Âi'Dear's Phîi!
“I (Kuu) suggest we change the place to talk. Go to my (Kuu) house.” The demeanor of one friend who looked like he wanted to kill the other made Shin be the one to interject. He might not be involved in this matter, but seeing Âi'Dear look like he was dying, he couldn't just stand by.
“But I (Kuu) want to talk and get to the bottom of this!”
Slap!
“Âi'Shin-jang!”
“Have you (Mueng) calmed down, or do you (Mueng) need to be slapped again before you (Mueng) come to your senses and realize this is a faculty building walkway, and we are in a university?” The question from the calmest person made Sun snort, before asking in a strong voice.
“Where's your (Mueng) car?”
“Parked in the same place... Come here, Âi'Dear.” Âi'Sun took a long stride far ahead, while Âi'Shin-jang moved to pull Dear's shoulder, making the exhausted person only say softly.
“I (Kuu) have to be back before four. My (Kuu) Phôo will come pick me (Kuu) up.”
Thud.
“This matter isn't just your (Mueng) Phîi breaking up with Âi'Sun's Phîi, is it?” Shin paused for a moment, then asked as if he could piece the story together.
The listener merely bowed his head, then smiled bitterly to himself.
“Have you (Mueng) ever thought, if you (Mueng) were born a woman, life might be easier than this?”
“No. Whether male or female, one can encounter suffering all the same. Thinking like you (Mueng) is being a person who runs from problems.” The red-headed person said bluntly, without sparing feelings. And that made the listener choke.
“That's right. I (Kuu) must be the most cowardly person in the world.”
It didn't take long before everyone was at Shin's house. Even though at this time there were workers and his Mâe's close person, the half-Thai young man said to curse and shout all they wanted, no one would say anything. Therefore, Nǎai Athit began to interrogate the nuisance friend who was sitting hugging his knees against the bed.
“Why are you (Mueng) so dim-witted like this?!” After listening to everything, this was the first question Sun asked his friend.
Okay, everywhere else he took Âi'Dear's side like the type who wouldn't listen to anyone saying anything. But this time was different. Moreover, Âi'Dear was the one who pushed Phîi Porsche onto Jae Dream. Not to mention his Phîi being involved. That he lied to his parents so blatantly.
“How could you (Mueng) do this? It's Phîi Porsche, your (Mueng) romantic partner. So what if your (Mueng) parents don't accept it? You (Mueng) fight, damn it! No matter what anyone says, you (Mueng) and Phîi Porsche love each other!!!”
“Bloody fuck! I (Kuu) don't know how to curse you (Mueng) anymore. You (Mueng) agreed to break up with Phîi Porsche, agreed to push him to someone else just because your (Mueng) parents and his said they don't accept it? Damn it! I (Kuu) am irritated. Why are you (Mueng) this kind of person?!!”
“Âi'Sun, that's enough.” It was Shin who came to mediate when he saw the puppy was almost swallowed by the bed. His small form hugged himself into a ball, so pitiful he had to help.
“You (Mueng) don't need to take his side. This time, you (Mueng) also see who's wrong...”
“Yeah, I (Kuu) am wrong myself. Are you (Mueng) satisfied? I (Kuu) am wrong myself. Because of me (Kuu), me (Kuu) alone!!!” But then, the person sitting hugging his knees shouted out, unable to bear it anymore, before jumping up to confront his friend, then hitting his own chest with his fist.
“It's me (Kuu). So no need to curse that I (Kuu) am dim-witted. I (Kuu) know. My (Kuu) brain is only this much. I (Kuu) can only think this much... How could I (Kuu) not know that I (Kuu) am wrong? I (Kuu) am wrong myself for making my (Kuu) parents angry. I (Kuu) am wrong for making Phîi Porsche get punched. I (Kuu) am wrong for making Jae Dream break up with Phîi Tawan. I (Kuu) am wrong for making Phîi Tawan cry. I (Kuu) am wrong myself for not wanting anyone to get hurt more than this. It's me (Kuu). Do you (Mueng) hear? It's me (Kuu) who is wrong. Me (Kuu) alone!!!” As he spoke, Dear hit his chest hard, when he shouted resoundingly throughout the room, to the extent that even Sun was stunned.
“Also... It's me (Kuu). You (Mueng) don't need to blame anyone. I (Kuu) am wrong. I (Kuu) am bloody fucking. It's dim-witted. It's despicable. I (Kuu) run from problems.”
Pat.
“Âi'Dear, that's enough. You'll get internal injuries and die.”
“Then let it die! Let it die for real! It would be better if it really died!!!” Dear, who was hitting his chest, wrestled with Shin who pulled that hand away. His white face was stained with teardrops when his heart ached until he almost couldn't feel anything.
“Dear, I (Kuu) didn't...”
“You (Mueng) don't need to say anything. Let me (Kuu) tell you (Mueng). I (Kuu) may be dim-witted in your (Mueng) eyes. But do you (Mueng) know what? I (Kuu) know... There will never be a day when my (Kuu) parents will accept what happened...” Dear burst out sobbing, but still forced himself to speak even though his face was drenched in tears.
“You (Mueng) say I (Kuu) can't lie, right? Then do you (Mueng) think I (Kuu) could lie to the older people like that? Is there anyone who really believes me (Kuu) that Jae Dream and Phîi Porsche are anything to each other?... No! No one believes it. But they still acted as if they believed what I (Kuu) said... Do you (Mueng) know why? Do you (Mueng) know why?!!!” Dear asked loudly, before lowering his voice. Tears streamed down. His body trembled pitifully when he remembered the events of that night.
They would rather believe my (Kuu) lie than believe what they saw, you know...”
Yes. Dear knew best. He wasn't good at lying. Couldn't lie. No one believed the falsehoods he told. Yet his parents, Uncle Sak, Aunt Ni, older people with experience who had been through thick and thin, chose to believe his lies. It was clear enough already.
Even though Jae Dream and Phîi Porsche don't love each other, forcing them to marry is still better than letting him and Phîi Porsche love each other.
It's clear enough already... This much is really more than enough.
“Sob... My Phôo would rather believe that Jae Dream has something with Phîi Porsche than it being me... Sob... Even though... even though he knows I lied... What do you (Mueng) want me (Kuu) to do... What should I (Kuu) do...”
Slump.
The words ended, and Dear slumped to sit on the floor, even though one hand was held tightly by Âi'Shin-jang.
Letting his tears fall and hit the wooden floor as if everything was finished.
He cried every night. Phôo knew. Mâe saw. But no one said anything. Everything was done as if nothing had happened. There was only the matter of the marriage between his Phîi and Phîi Porsche that seemed to be taken seriously, which hurt him.
Sun's demeanor cooled down as if water had been poured on fire. The tall form moved to sit next to his friend, before lifting his arm to hug Âi'Dear's neck, then pushed its head down onto his shoulder.
“I (Kuu) am sorry, Âi'Dear. I (Kuu) am sorry for shouting at you (Mueng)... Don't cry. Your eyes are puffy like a shih tzu's.” However, the more he comforted, the more Dear cried. Because Dear sobbed even more when he buried his face against his friend's shoulder, completely exhausted.
At this time, it hurt too much to say anything.
“Meaning you (Mueng) had your phone confiscated now?”
"Mmm."
“Your (Mueng) Phôo makes you (Mueng) go back to live at home?”
"Mmm."
“And still drives you (Mueng) here and picks you (Mueng) up in the evening?”
"Mmm.”
“Let-me-die! Does this kind of thing still exist nowadays?!”
After crying enough, Dear told the story of what happened at home. Even though his Phôo acted as if he believed Jae Dream and Phîi Porsche were romantic partners, Phôo forbade him from staying at the condo, wouldn't allow him to see Phîi Porsche, took his phone and claimed the device he used couldn't make calls in Thailand, and also drove him here this morning and would pick him up in the evening... indicating that now his Phôo didn't trust him at all.
“He intends to make you (Mueng) break up, that's all.” Shin was the one who summarized bluntly. Even though he was worried about his friend, his mind went to another matter.
Maybe, perhaps it's Phîi's chance now, Phîi Oat.
The thought that the person himself hurriedly brushed away, because Âi'Dear's demeanor was more severe than he thought.
“Yes. That's why I (Kuu) said, he doesn't accept this matter at all.”
“Or maybe you (Mueng) are giving up too easily.” Shin interjected immediately, making the listener turn to look, before smiling bitterly to himself. He asked the same question he had asked many people, but no one could answer him.
“Then what should I (Kuu) do?”
“What about Jae Dream? That demoness can do anything, you know.” The question made Dear fall silent immediately.
He had also hoped for what Âi'Sun asked. He wanted to run to Jae Dream for help like every time. But because this time he hurt Jae Dream, he made his Phîi break up with the man who intended to walk by her side... The feeling of guilt clung to his heart until he didn't dare to ask.
Besides, if Jae Dream would help, Jae Dream would step in herself. But this time... probably too angry to do that.
“I (Kuu) don't know... But you (Mueng) tell Phîi Tawan, if Jae Dream doesn't want to marry Phîi Porsche, Jae Dream still has her own methods. Right now, the older people are acting as if it's a real matter because they want me (Kuu) and Phîi Porsche not to see each other... Jae Dream didn't break up with Phîi Tawan because of status, that you (Mueng) can't compete with Phîi Porsche, you know. If Jae Dream looked at a man for money, she would have married Phîi Porsche long ago.”
“Whoa, whoa, wait. Did Jae Dream say that? Hey, I (Kuu) didn't know. Phîi Tawan just said that Jae Dream would marry Phîi Porsche, that's all... let-me-die. Even though he was hurt this badly, that bloody fucking Phîi of mine still tried to protect so no one would see Jae Dream's evil side again.” Sun said immediately, also snorting through his nose forcefully.
“Âi'Sun, my (Kuu) Phîi isn't evil.”
“But a little less wicked than a demon.”
“You goose! How can you (Mueng) curse my (Kuu) Phîi?”
“But you (Mueng) can smile now, Ná, friend Dear.” Sun could only give a soft smile, looking at the person who let out a smile for the first time today, until Dear couldn't close his smile in time.
The demeanor of Shin placing a hand on his shoulder and shaking it back and forth.
“And what will you (Mueng) do next?” The question made the listener pause for a bit, before speaking softly.
“I (Kuu) will wait for Phôo to return to England. At most, my (Kuu) Phôo can only stay here for a month. After that, things might get better.” Words trying to comfort himself.
“Yeah, you (Mueng) are right. Anyway, your (Mueng) parents have to go back to work.” Even though Sun agreed, it wasn't with Shin at all. His sharp pair of eyes stared at his friend's pale face and secretly sighed. He didn't
want to add more burden to it than this. But did it think the older people would think what it thought?
Âi'Dear is trying to run from what is in front of him, but isn't trying to fix the root cause of the problem. It will make the problem occur endlessly...
“Dear.”
Gasp!
“Phîi Porsche!!!” The person who was opening the house gate was so startled he jumped when he heard the call. Just turning back, he saw the tall young man who looked more weary than ever, his face extremely stressed, until he had to quickly glance towards the large car from which his Bì-daa was also about to get out.
“I need to talk to Dear.”
“Phîi Porsche, right now...”
“Did you come to see Dream or Porsche?”
“Khun Yut.” However, before they could say anything, the driver stepped out of the car and asked in a strong voice. His intense eyes indicated he wanted him to say he came to see his daughter, not his son. And that made Purin clench his fist tightly, then say in a strong voice.
“I came to see Dear, Khâp.”
“What business do you have to talk with the younger sibling, since you are just Phîi and Nông from next door, isn't that right? It's more appropriate to talk with the bride-to-be... Dear, go inside!”
“Khun Uncle, please. I beg to talk with the Nông for just a moment.” Even though Purin spoke in a pleading tone, his face and demeanor looked pitiful enough that Khun Yut had heard the news that he hardly ate or slept, just worked hoping to soften his Phôo's heart, and saw his efforts. But now, Sak himself also didn't listen to every word that came out of his eldest son's mouth.
However, the person who was the Phôo on this side spoke in a heavy voice.
“Dear, go inside!” Even though he wanted to disobey the order, even though he wanted to talk with Phîi Porsche, he could only do it meekly, just step into the house without wanting to make this matter bigger than it already was. Meanwhile, the person who was the Phôo said,
“I'll call Dream out to talk with you later.” Having said that, the speaker turned to get in the car, then drove into the house without paying any attention to the protesting gaze of his nephew.
The image made Purin clench his fist tightly. He would never allow everything to end like this.
Click.
“Does Dear have anything to tell Mâe, Khráp?”
Dara had been standing watching her son for a good while. She saw the cheerful youth who only whined to her every time he returned to Thailand secretly wiping his tears over and over. The form that looked thinner since the first night she returned was now sitting leaning against the working washing machine. The demeanor made the person who was his Mâe feel hurt along with him without much difficulty.
Dear was suffering... Suffering very much, as she had never seen before. And that made the person who was the Mâe step forward, making her son startle and gasp.
“Mâe... Uh...” Dear used the back of his hand to wipe over his face hastily, then hurriedly stood up, giving a smile, asking in a voice trying to be cheerful.
“Does Mâe have anything for Dear to do, Khráp? I'll be free after hanging the laundry.”
“Dear...”
“Ah, yes, yes. What is Máa making for dinner? Do you want me to help? With just the two of us and Jae Dream, I'm supremely good at cooking. I don't even want to boast...”
Pat.
“Dear... You (nǔu) can't force a smile forever, you know.”
Thud.
Dear, who was trying his hardest to be cheerful, could only freeze. The smile faded. His two hands dropped to his sides. Luckily, his Mâe grabbed one of his hands. The expression that showed concern made him feel even more guilty. But his Mâe's body wasn't as strong as it appeared on the outside. If he said anything, Mâe might faint like that night.
“Dear isn't anything, Khráp, Máa.”
"Dear..."
“I'm really fine, Khráp, Mâe. Very comfortable. What could I be other than handsome, right?” Having said that, he struck a cool, handsome pose, even though his face wasn't suited for it. And that made the person who was his Mâe sigh, pulling her son closer, then lifting her hand to pat his head gently.
“Dear knows that Mâe is always ready to listen to Dear... No matter what the matter is.” The listener wanted to cry. Wanted to act like a little-one and snuggle against his Mâe's chest. But now he was grown up. Eighteen already. In a few months, he would be nineteen. Therefore, the person himself could only sniff hard and give a smile.
“Yes, Khráp. I know that Mâe loves me more than Jae Dream.”
“Mâe loves both her children equally, Ná.”
“But you indulge me more.” The speaker said in a playful tone, making the listener laugh softly, before agreeing to part from her son, then turning to enter the house. But before leaving, she couldn't help but murmur softly.
“You (nǔu) know well that Mâe indulges you (nǔu) more... And it will always be like that, Ná.”
The words made Dear want to ask, Then if Dear asks to be in love with Phîi Porsche... would Mâe indulge Dear, Khráp?
The question that was in Âi'Dranphat's heart throughout dinner. And he wanted to ask both his Phôo and Mâe even more, Is it really not possible for Dear to be in love with Phîi Porsche, Khráp? When his Bì-daa spoke up abruptly.
“Does Dear think about going to study further in England?”
The question made the listener only freeze in shock, staring at his Phôo silently.
“Actually, Bpǎa also regrets it. Bpǎa works there all the time, so why don't we go study there? England's education system is much better. Dear's language isn't bad. If it's too difficult, go study and adjust the language first. Trying to take the exam would probably be more beneficial than staying in Thailand.”
“Bu... But Dear will finish the first year already.”
“So what? You're only eighteen. Anyway, you should be able to finish your bachelor's, master's there before 25. Overall, it should be just around the time Bpǎa retires and returns to Thailand.” The demeanor of the person who was the Phôo seemed more like coercion than a question. And that made the person being pressured from all directions clench his spoon tightly. From already not wanting to eat, he couldn't force himself to eat any further.
“What do you say?” Dear could only glance at his Phîi who usually helped him, like when Bpǎa and Máa moved to work abroad three or four years ago and he didn't want to go. But this time, Jae Dream merely ate quietly without turning to meet his eyes, indicating... there would be no more help.
The feeling of being adrift in the middle of the sea made Dear unable to bear it any longer.
Creak.
Screech.
“Dear isn't feeling well. Dear is going to take a bath and sleep, Khráp.” In the end, he did what he had always done... run away... running from this moment was enough. And hoping everything would get better without having to do anything.
But this time... it wouldn't be like every time.
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