Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
"Âi Dear, you okay?"
"Yeah, if you're hungry, I left dinner in front of your room, okay?"
"Sigh, Âi Dear, if you keep being like this, I'm going down to stomp on your Phîi Porsche."
"I'm...okay."
Shin could only shake his head. No matter how many times he shouted, Dear just closed the door quietly. When Shin said he would go down to stomp the person who hurt Dear, he was willing to answer, but only for a moment before Shin, the young half-Thai young man, sighed.
"If you love him, then listen to him a bit. I've said all I'm going to say."
Finished speaking, Shin resignedly stepped back to his own room after placing the dinner tray in front of Dear's room. But believe him, Dear wouldn't come out to eat. Tomorrow it'd be the same as before, the symptoms even more damn severe.
Meanwhile, Dear, leaning against the door inside the room, could only use the back of his hand to wipe his tears forcefully. A feeling of self-hatred arose immediately that he could be weak to this extent. Why wasn't he as strong as even a fraction of Jae Dream?
"If it were Jae, what would Jae do?" Dear asked himself, using his sleeve to wipe his tears forcefully. Since right now he still thought of his Jae, and the more he thought of her, the more his heart hurt. Since his Jae was the person Phîi Porsche loved, it gave rise to another question: Why did it have to be Jae Dream? If it were someone else, would he hurt less than this?
He wasn't angry at his Jae. He was angrier at himself for being a damn dim-wit, not knowing a bloody fucking thing about anything.
"I'm not going anywhere, since my heart is here!!!" Dear recalled.
Can he believe it, the words Phîi Porsche told him just now?
"Haven't I stopped being dim-witted yet, Âi Dear? Even now, am I still taking my own side, saying Phîi Porsche still loves me?" Dear asked himself in a faint voice, then fished out the mobile phone he carried with him all the time. He looked at the screen, which was completely dark from being turned off the entire day, until he saw his own reflection.
An image where, just by looking, he knew it showed how much it hurt. So how could Phîi Porsche not know?
"He just feels sorry for his Nong... That's all," Dear told himself, then wiped away the bloody fucking tears that were flowing. After that, he decided to turn on the phone that had been off all along.
Losing to his Jae, he didn't dare call Jae Dream. But he wanted to talk to someone, anyone who loved him.
"Mâe..." Dear murmured softly, not paying attention to any of the phone's warnings, while sliding his trembling fingertip to call the person who loved him the most.
But before he could press the speed dial number, the phone blared a loud ringing sound, vibrating in his hand until Dear almost threw it away. The caller was Phîi Porsche.
Slam
From almost throwing it away, Dear's small hand gripped it tighter than before. He looked at the picture he secretly took when Phîi Porsche was asleep on the sofa in the living room, then pressed to end the call immediately.
But barely two seconds after it went silent, it rang again, making Dear purse his lips tightly. His heart wanted to throw it away, didn't want to perceive anything anymore. But he looked at the screen motionlessly. The heart that should be aching to the point of breaking was trembling, knowing that Phîi Porsche was still trying to call him.
"Âi bloody fucking tears, when will I ever be strong, Dear? Just him calling me and I'm already happy almost to the point of madness!" Dear told himself before closing his eyes, then turned off the phone again. He abandoned the thought of calling his Mâe in England and placed it beside the bed. Then he slipped himself into the soft bed and closed his eyes.
"Let me make myself stronger than this, Phîi Porsche. Then I'll go back to being your Nong as before."
He knew he wouldn't fall asleep, but escaping from reality for a bit was still good.
Purin looked up at the large, quiet house while his phone, which had just had its call ended, was in his hand. He knew Dear probably wouldn't answer his call, judging from the attitude he displayed earlier. But he didn't give up trying, still pressed to call again, only to encounter...
"This number is unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone..."
"Dear...Dear, Khrap. I know you're angry at me. I know you're hurt. But I want you to listen to me. I want you to give me a chance to explain what happened, Khrap. Let me talk to you."
Purin finished leaving his message, then pressed to call again to encounter the same female voice saying Dear had turned off his phone.
"You said I love Dream. Yes, I love Dream. And I still love Dream. But it's not the same kind of love as what I feel for you..."
He might have been confused before about how this love was different. But since when, he didn't know, he saw Dear's image more and more clearly. The image of that little one who acted attractive, when he wanted something his ears would perk up and his tail would wag. When he was sulky, his ears would droop and his tail would fall. A clingy little one that told him he needed a lot of love and warmth.
A little one that, since when he didn't know, had stepped in to replace his Jae.
Dream was right. Dream was an attachment. He never had the feeling of wanting to hug Dream, wanting to kiss, or wanting to touch. He only felt that he wanted to take care of this young woman, didn't want her to be sad. But it wasn't like that with Dear.
Since the first time they kissed, he thought it was just a small slip-up from being close together. But it wasn't. Even though Dear said it was just a coincidence, just lips touching lips, why think so much about it, he still chose to emphasize the touch again. With Dear, he wanted to hug, wanted to kiss, wanted to touch, wanted to take care.
He never felt jealous over Dream, but he felt jealous over Dear.
Seeing Dear, he never felt restless just because Dream went somewhere. But he felt restless not knowing where Dear was.
He never felt anxious if Dream didn't answer the phone, but it wasn't like that with Dear.
Since when had he chosen to skip going to the two siblings' house and go find the Nong, not the Phîi?
It was clear. It had been clear for a long time. But he only became sure that night, the night Dear was kissed... he didn't want Dear to belong to anyone at all!
"...I know you might not believe me. But I love you."
He had fallen in love with his own little one.
Purin could only smile faintly when the voicemail signal ended. Then he started calling again.
Once more, his back leaned against his beloved car. His eyes looked only at the large house, hoping Dear would come out to listen to his explanation of what happened.
Because for himself, if he had realized it sooner, it wouldn't be like this.
"It's all your own fault, Purin. Because of you," Purin said softly. The image of Dear crying flashed before him, while the image of that little one flashed into his head again, shouting in his face to tell him to go find Dream. The young man who said Purin had sex with him because he was a substitute for his Jae.
"You were never a substitute for anyone. I never saw you as a substitute for anyone," Purin said.
Purin raised his hand to touch the left side of his chest and found it was hurting. It hurt more every time he thought that Dear, inside that house, was still crying because... of him.
"Please, listen to me explain, Khrap."
A plea that still hadn't reached Dear.
"Is it morning yet?"
Dear opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling motionlessly. Even though the bed was soft and comfortable, he had barely slept at all the entire night. In his head, he kept thinking over and over about the same damn things, with the question of what he would do with himself from now on. Since he probably didn't have the face to stay in the same room as Phîi Porsche like before.
"So damn ridiculous, Âi Dear. First heartbreak, Phîi Porsche comforted me. Second heartbreak, the person comforting turns out to be the heartbreaker," Dear said. His mouth said it was funny, but he couldn't laugh. He could only push himself up to sit on the bed. Didn't need to look in a mirror to know how much more wretched his condition was. His hand grabbed the phone beside him and held it.
"Heh, I still dare to hope that Phîi Porsche will call me again, is that it?" Dear said to himself before deciding to turn the phone on again. He had to call Âi Sun to ask if he could possibly find a condo for him to stay in with him, or let him stay with him first until he could find a new condo.
Dear sighed faintly. Didn't want to cry anymore because just this much already made his eyes hurt to the point he could barely open them. His red, bruised eyes looked at the screen that was booting up...
Ding. Ding. Dang...Ding. Ding. Ding...Ding. Ding. Ding...Ding. Ding. Ding...
Gasp!
Suddenly, Dear's phone sent out a flurry of alert sounds, causing him to startle intensely. His hand holding the phone let it go to lie still in the middle of the bed, before it vibrated intensely, almost non-stop, along with the sound of incoming messages that continued one after another. Dear could only open his eyes wide, looking extremely shocked, wondering what was happening to his phone.
The phone kept ringing continuously until Dear bravely, fearfully, reached out to grab it and looked at all the messages scrolling up from just one person...Phîi Porsche.
Dear didn't know how long he sat looking at it. Didn't know why his eyes were hot. Why his hands were shaking. But he was sliding his finger toward the message that said there were...178 messages, until he could only press his fingertip down.
Phîi Porsche +6683XXXXXXX left a new voice message for you @14.12 XX/XX/XX. You have 3 new voice messages. To listen, please dial *XXXX
Phîi Porsche +6683XXXXXXX left a new voice message for you @15.08 XX/XX/XX. You have 4 new voice messages. To listen, please dial *XXXX
Phîi Porsche +6683XXXXXXX left a new voice message for you @18.25 XX/XX/XX. You have 2 new voice messages. To listen, please dial *XXXX
Phîi Porsche 298 +6683XXXXXXX left a new voice message for you @04.45 XX/XX/XX. You have 5 new voice messages. To listen, please dial *XXXX
"Phîi Porsche," Dear could only groan faintly in his throat. All the voice messages left for him started from 2 PM yesterday until the most recent was at 4:45 AM, an hour ago. So many messages that Phîi Porsche had sent to him.
"Hic." Dear didn't understand why Phîi Porsche was doing this. But he closed his eyes before deciding to press play on the first message left for him.
"Dear. Dear, where are you? I need to talk to you. We need to ta..."
Whoosh
But upon hearing just Phîi Porsche's voice in the message, not even finishing the first one, Dear lowered his hand and pressed to turn it off immediately. He couldn't bear to listen because it made him want to go find Phîi Porsche right now. But what good would it do, if he had to face the sight and heartache that Phîi Porsche loves Jae Dream.
Dear sighed heavily, left the phone where it was, and moved to the bedroom window.
Thud
"No way..."
Dear muttered to himself in disbelief, then spun around to run toward the bedroom door. He didn't care about a bloody fucking thing anymore, besides running noisily down to the lower floor. That made the auntie housekeeper, who woke up early in the morning, look up with a fond smile.
"Ohayō gozaimasu"
"Uh... well... good morning, Khrap," Dear said, bowing quickly when the auntie bowed to him respectfully. His heart wanted to run to see what he saw through the bedroom window, but he had to stand awkwardly in front of the older middle-aged woman who moved closer.
Slam
"Uh, Auntie, Khrap..." Dear stammered when the auntie grabbed his arm and pulled gently, making Dear quickly follow. He felt unsure if the auntie understood what he said. But the auntie housekeeper didn't say anything, only pulled him to a room not far from the living room. A small room with four or five monitor screens.
"Security cameras...Khrap?"
"Hai," the auntie said. Dear moved toward one screen, seeing what he wanted to know. The image showed the front of the large house with a luxury car parked motionless. But what he cared about wasn't Phîi Porsche's car, but the young man sitting on the ground, leaning his back against the car. Though his head hung down, in the hand resting on his knee was a luxury phone held tightly.
"Phîi Porsche," Dear muttered softly, making the older middle-aged woman move closer before sliding her hand to rewind the image for him to see.
All night. The image showed Dear that Phîi Porsche had tried to call him all night and sat right there.
"Khun-nŭu should talk to him, dear," the auntie said.
"I...don't know. I really don't know," Dear said, shaking his head forcefully while staring at the screen. The auntie watching raised a hand to stroke his arm gently.
"That young man has been sitting there since last night. He asked Khun-nŭu Shin to tell Khun-nŭu that...he wouldn't go anywhere until he could talk to Khun-nŭu Dear," the auntie said kindly, smiling at Dear, who didn't know who to turn to, pursing his lips tightly.
"I don't know... Why he has to wait to talk to me, even though..." Doesn't Phîi Porsche love Jae Dream? Dear thought.
Dear bit his lip until it hurt, not understanding why Phîi Porsche was doing these crazy things. Though his heart sensed something, he was afraid...afraid of getting hurt again, so he tried to push it away. Then he took a deep breath, realizing he still didn't want to see Phîi Porsche's face.
I'm weak. Seeing his face again, bloody fucking hell, I'll just cry pathetically again, Dear thought.
"Auntie, Khrap, if I want to leave the house without him knowing, could you help me, Khrap?" Dear asked.
Dear's request made the older middle-aged woman sigh heavily with concern. But as Khun-nŭu Shin said, this wasn't her business, and she shouldn't meddle in the master's affairs.
"Yes, dear. Leave through the back of the house. The young staff will go to the market soon. You can go with them," the auntie said. Dear uttered his thanks.
"Youuu, you have to help me!" Sun shouted.
"Go find your own Bpǎa. I won't help. I'm going to sleep," Shin said from the spacious bedroom, where he had only a blanket covering him to his waist, revealing he wore nothing. He raised his head to answer the phone and saw the caller was Âi Sun, who, bloody fucking hell, called to complain and yell for help, something crazy, he didn't know what.
"Do you think I don't want to sleep, you goose? I'm about to have my liver eaten by a demon young woman right now!" Shin said.
"What crazy demon young woman of yours?" Shin asked, sitting up and scratching his head roughly. This was the first time Âi Sun called to complain. Usually, he was annoyingly troublesome. That made Sun say immediately.
"Âi Dear's Jae, that's who. Jae Dream is about to kill me and stuff me down a goose's throat. Jae said if I don't help Phîi Porsche, Jae Dream, bloody fucking hell, will put the clip of me being chased and bitten by a dog with my pants falling down on YouTube," Sun said, his voice bordering on terrified. That made Shin smile at the corner of his mouth.
"Yeah, good. I'll wait and watch," Shin said.
"Âi Shin-jang, hey!!! My...both my pants and boxers came off, you damned shit-lizard! My little elephant was swinging in the open air. Jae Dream, bloody fucking hell, filmed it and saved it. I'm begging you! I don't want to be scouted as a porn star yet. I know mine is big, but I don't want to show anyone, hey!" Sun said a whole bunch, seeming genuinely scared. Shin didn't feel sympathy, but knowing Sun wouldn't stop bothering him until he got what he wanted, Shin sighed.
"What do you want help with?" Shin asked.
"Jae Dream asked if Phîi Porsche is still in front of your house," Sun said, prompting Shin to walk over and open the curtains a bit.
"Yeah, the car is still there. His person is in front of the house too," Shin said.
"What about Âi Dear?" Sun asked.
"He's probably sleeping in his room," Shin said, grabbing pants to put on, opening the bedroom door, and stepping to the room next door.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Âi Dear, your ex-Phûa called..." Shin said.
Screech
"Damn!" Shin swore in his heart when he opened the door and found only emptiness. Even Dear's bag was gone. He ran downstairs, amidst Âi Sun's complaining.
"What's with you? Where is Âi Dear?" Sun asked.
"Âi-foreigner, don't spout Japanese! I can't understand, hey!" Shin said, still complaining, but ignored it, asking his Mâe's close auntie rapidly. The auntie made a slightly troubled expression, then replied, making Shin rub his head forcefully.
I'm stressed. Can you not be an Âi-drama-queen on my behalf, Âi Dear? Shin thought.
"Âi Dear, bloody fucking hell, left since six o'clock, you," Shin said.
"Hey! And Phîi Porsche is there?" Sun shouted, then quickly added.
"Then you go tell Phîi Porsche that Âi Dear, bloody fucking hell, ran away. Where can he go this time? He didn't even call me," Sun said.
"Why do I have to tell him?" Shin asked.
"Huh?" Sun cried out in confusion, making Shin, just over his shock, shrug and walk to flop on the sofa.
"Âi Dear doesn't want to meet, so I don't see a need to make them meet," Shin said flatly, his tone showing he was damn pissed. That made Sun, who should be angriest for his friend, sigh.
Because he knew Âi Dear better than any other friend, except maybe Âi Lex.
"That shorty has loved Phîi Porsche since secondary four..." Sun said.
"And?" Shin asked.
"And now Phîi Porsche has turned to love him. Don't you think we should help?" Sun asked.
"If Âi Dear wanted to meet, he would have talked already," Shin argued flatly, not seeing the need to help. He knew well how it felt to hurt because of love, and Dear's condition showed he was hurting a lot.
Sun made a slightly troubled face before sighing.
"And do you want him to hurt for long? Even though Phîi Porsche loves him, and he loves Phîi Porsche," Sun said. Shin went silent, then sighed heavily and stood up.
"...Another thing, if Âi Dear isn't good with Phîi Porsche by noon today, my clip will damn sure spread online," Sun added, making Shin laugh gloatingly.
"Then I should wait until noon to tell him, huh? I want to see it," Shin said.
"You heel," Sun said, a word of praise escaping his mouth, making Shin laugh before promising and hanging up.
Yeah, if I'm going to help, might as well help to the end, Shin thought.
Screech
Whoosh
"Dear!" Purin shouted.
Purin, leaning against the car door, startled up, his hand still holding the phone tightly. He looked up, hoping it was his little one, but it was another person, making Purin sigh.
"Hope you didn't come to chase me away," Purin said.
"No. I came to see your condition, whether you've been drained of blood or not," Shin said, still able to annoy effectively, looking at the red marks on Purin's arms and neck. Then he shrugged.
"Âi Dear isn't here anymore," Shin said. Purin frowned sharply.
"What do you mean?" Purin asked.
"He left through the back of the house at six o'clock," Shin said. Purin felt the ground collapse instantly. His hands clenched tightly, his eyes closing wearily, showing Dear was so angry he didn't want to see Purin's face at all. But soon, Purin frowned intently.
He would never accept his little one running away like this. He said he wouldn't let him go easily.
"Where did Dear go?" Purin asked.
"Thought you wouldn't ask," Shin said, raising the corner of his mouth in a smile before murmuring flatly.
"He's probably gone to pack his things," Shin said. Purin clenched his fist tightly, pulled the car keys from his pants pocket, but before slipping into the car, turned to Shin.
"Thank you very much," Purin said.
"Promise me one thing, Phîi," Shin said.
"Hmm?" Purin asked.
"If you're going to take him, take him gently. His condition is like he's been completely roughed-up already," Shin said, raising an eyebrow. Purin paused, feeling guilty for not holding back that time, just because he was drunk like a damn dog that day.
"I promise to do it gently," Purin said. Then he closed the door, started the car, and accelerated away, leaving Shin standing still, then laughing out loud.
"Âi Dear, your Phûa, bloody fucking hell, is fierce," Shin said. Phîi Porsche said he would do it gently as requested, but judging from his eyes, next time, that Phîi wouldn't let it go on for long and damn sure wouldn't let Âi'shorty go easily.
Looks like the second, third, and fourth times will be soon.
"Why do I have so much stuff?" Dear complained to himself.
Dear tried to stuff clothes from his closet into his travel bag, just throwing things in. He wasted time leaving with the young staff from Âi Shin's house and finding a way to this condo. Especially in the early morning, there were no cars.
He didn't know why he had to run away, but he was confused about what Phîi Porsche wanted.
His mouth says he loves Jae Dream, so why is he following me? Why is he calling me? Why is he giving me hope? Dear thought. He wanted to be far from Phîi Porsche, at least to give himself some time. Seeing Phîi Porsche waiting all night almost made him dash out to find his Phîi already.
"Phîi Porsche just feels guilty. Just feels guilty that I'm Jae Dream's Nong. But he's doing this to Jae Dream's Nong. Yes. Just that. Stop your delusions, Âi Dear," Dear said, his hands working as fast as possible, avoiding confronting Phîi Porsche fully. He turned his phone off again, afraid Phîi Porsche would call.
Dear looked around, pursing his lips tightly. The bedroom he had lived in for over a month was empty again.
Heartbroken.
"Don't make it difficult for Phîi Porsche to be with me, Dear...my heart. How much longer are you going to beat painfully like this?" Dear said, looking around the room one last time, at the bed where Phîi Porsche had come to sleep and hug him, until he pursed his lips tightly, holding back whatever was about to escape.
"It's better this way. Don't have to be anyone's little one. Got to go back to being a person like before, right, Âi Dear?" Dear said, dragging the large suitcase out of the bedroom quickly.
Slam!!!
"Dear!!!!" Purin shouted.
Gasp!
"Phîi Porsche," Dear said, his wide eyes opening wider upon seeing Purin slam the door open and rush in. Purin's sharp eyes looked at Dear's suitcase before asking.
"Where are you going?" Purin asked.
Big
Slam!!!
"Dear!!! Talk to me first," Purin urged.
"I won't talk. Won't talk...don't want to," Dear said, letting go of his suitcase and running into the bedroom, locking the door immediately, so Purin couldn't follow in time. Purin knocked on the door forcefully, his deep voice shouting, making Dear answer with a trembling voice.
Dear's answer made Purin, raising his hand to knock, freeze. His large hand rested on the door as he leaned down, his forehead pressing against the fine wood.
"Dear...you're right there, right?" Purin asked.
"..."
Dear pursed his lips tightly, turning his back against the bedroom door, so the two had only the door panel separating them.
"You don't have to answer me anything yet. I just want you to listen to me," Purin said. He didn't know if Dear would listen, but he had to explain everything to make Dear understand what happened.
"Yesterday, I went to see Dream," Purin said.
Dear froze, then looked up at the ceiling, feeling his eyes get hot and stinging. His heart didn't want to hear the next words at all.
"I went to tell Dream I love her," Purin said.
Hurt like bloody fucking hell, Âi Dear. Dear thought.
Just hearing that, Dear's tears flowed easily, wetting both cheeks. His hand, raised to hold the left side of his chest, shook so much he could feel it.
Purin sighed heavily before continuing.
"I thought I loved Dream all along. Since we were young until grown up. I never had a long-term romantic partner because I thought I had Dream in my heart...
Then why are you telling me this, Phîi Porsche? Why are you telling me to hurt? Dear thought.
Dear let tears fall quietly, his hand gripping his shirt tighter. He wanted to cover his ears and not hear anything else but had no strength to even raise his hand. He felt the ground swaying so much that if he wasn't leaning, he would collapse and cry.
"And I found out I don't love Dream like that," Purin said.
Thud
"Since when, I don't know, I felt my heart had another person. At first I thought it was love for a Nong. But going back and forth, the white face, red lips, and warm body made me feel something more... What kind of Nong makes me able to kiss him? What kind of Nong makes me go into his room to sleep and hug him? What kind of Nong... made me able to do what I did with you the night before?" Purin continued.
"What kind of Nong makes me able to 'love' this much?" Purin asked.
No way! What is Phîi Porsche saying?! Dear thought.
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