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~~~
Dear was staring at the bedroom ceiling, eyes open. He didn't know how he had fallen asleep last night. Maybe it was the exhaustion from the activities. Maybe it was because he cried until he was drained. Maybe it was because when he tried to rise... the embrace of the person lying beside him, holding his waist tightly, kept him there.
Smack.
"Hic..." Just thinking about it, clear teardrops welled in his eyes, then slid past his cheeks, dropping onto the same pillow still damp with his tears. The light from outside streaming in told Dear it was morning.
The time he had given himself was over.
His pale face, now with both eyes red and swollen, turned to look at the person sleeping beside him. The person was fast asleep, yet a large hand rested on his waist as it had all night. Meanwhile, the images from last night replayed in his mind.
Phîi Porsche called Jae Dream's name. Called my own Jae's name.
Pat... Dear reached out to touch the slightly stubbly cheek of the person with faint beard growth. The person with a sharp, handsome face, who looked so damn good even when asleep from exhaustion, made his unruly heart tremble. The person I've always admired, until it turned into love.
Dear touched as gently as possible, as if soaking in a moment he would never own again. It was done. The time for deluding himself, dreaming that Phîi Porsche felt something for him, was over.
I was just the Nong of the person Phîi Porsche loved.
The thought made Dear feel the image before him blur, until he had to touch his cheek and found he was crying... crying without even a sob, realizing he was biting his lip until it hurt, afraid a sound would escape. There was only one word he managed to whisper in the end.
"Love."
Just one word, truly, from his trembling lips. Then he could only lift Phîi Porsche's hand off his body, his own hand shaking, and support his aching, battered body to step out of the bedroom with a heart that could be called... damn near broken to death.
Even knowing it hurt, even feeling the slickness all down his rear passage, Dear supported himself until he stepped into the outer bathroom.
Splash.
Dear ignored his reflection covered in fresh red love marks. He ignored his red, swollen eyes. He ignored everything. He just walked under the shower and turned on the water until its sound hit the fine granite floor. Then the person who hated cold showers cranked the cold water to the max.
Cold enough to damn near sink into my bones.
"Phîi Porsche..." Dear let the name slip in a faint, quivering voice. His two clenched hands pressed against the bathroom wall. His face bowed low, letting the cold water pour from head to toe, before... a new wave of tears flowed.
Then, the person who had held it together all night could no longer contain his sorrow. Dear let his body slide down to sit crumpled on the bathroom floor, hugging his knees tightly, letting out cries like a helpless little child.
The cries I held back all night, the sorrow no one could understand.
Dear didn't know how long he cried or how many minutes he let himself soak in the cold water. The only thing that stirred him was the thought that Phîi Porsche could wake any moment. And he admitted that this Nai Dranphat was too damn cowardly to face the other and act like nothing happened.
I couldn't do it. I could never do it again. I'd gone too far to go back to being the Nong-next-door like before. Too far to fake being happy if Phîi Porsche and Jae Dream were in love.
"It's this cold, but why do I still hurt?" Dear muttered to himself in a faint voice. His body shivered until he trembled, nails turning purple. But the pain outside couldn't touch the pain in my heart.
He could only ask himself this, then quickly dressed, grabbed essentials, and stuffed them into a backpack. Then he snatched his phone to call the person he knew he could rely on now.
Thud.
Just thinking about who the only person he wanted to see was, his heart ached until it shattered. Because this person was the last one he talked to last night... Jae Dream.
"Why, Phîi Porsche? Why couldn't the person you love be someone else? Why did it have to be Jae Dream? Why my Jae?" The Jae Dear admitted had been his refuge since childhood. If Nai Dranphat fell and cried, the first person he thought of wasn't his Mâe, but his Jae.
If Nai Dranphat couldn't do something, the person he ran to was Jae Dream.
If Nai Dranphat was bullied, the only person he ran to tell was Jae Dream.
The person most important to him, who had cared for him from childhood to adulthood.
Even now, even though he liked to call Jae Dream bad-tempered, or a demoness, even hurting this much, the person he wanted to see most was Jae Dream. He wanted to turn back into the boy Dranphat who ran to tell Jae Dream that Âi Lexus was picking on him. He wanted Jae Dream to scold but still help him like always.
But now... I couldn't do it.
Dear lifted his head slightly, holding back tears ready to fall, and scrolled to the number of someone who might help... Âi Sun.
But the response was a signal that the other's phone was off.
While standing lost, unable to find a way, the phone in his hand rang, making him look down. The name that appeared made Dear answer without hesitation.
"Âi Dear, you free..."
"Âi Shin."
Thud.
The person on the line, planning to ask about a report, fell silent when the short little one called to him with a trembling voice.
"Could you... come get me at the condo... please... come get me." The person on the other end paused for a moment, making Dear, who was floundering, feel panicked, afraid he'd ask, afraid he'd refuse.
"I'll race over. Ten minutes, tops." Âi Shin didn't ask, didn't tease, didn't say a damn thing, except for the sound of him getting dressed, letting Dear only say,
"Thanks."
Âi Shin arrived in less than ten minutes. The moment he got there, he looked at Dear, standing in front of the condo, with a damn strange look. Shin made a face like he wanted to ask about his state, but he didn't. He just grabbed the backpack and tossed it onto the back seat.
"Where do you want me to take you?"
"I don't know." Dear thought Shin would get pissed at that answer, but the half-breed young man just sighed and reached out to pat his head.
"Then crash at my place tonight." With that, Shin shifted gears, driving the fancy car onto the road, not prying or asking a thing, as Dear had feared, until he could only repeat,
"Thanks."
"I'm your friend." Just that, Âi Shin said just that, but it made Dear feel his heart, hurting damn near to madness, lift instantly.
At least I had a friend ready to help when it felt like I'd hit a dead end.
It didn't take long for the fancy car to pull into a big-ass village that felt more foreign than Thai. Each house stood apart, spaced out like rich folks' estates. Not to mention the man-made lake dug so every house had waterfront. If he were in a normal mood, Dear would've been damn excited about this huge Japanese-style house with a front garden ripped from a magazine.
"Whoa."
"おはようございます." [Ohayō gozaimasu or Goodmorning]
Dear flinched a bit when, stepping out of the car, an auntie, maybe forty or fifty, bowed damn near ninety degrees. He spun to look at Âi Shin, locking the car, pleading for help with his eyes, until Shin turned to talk to the auntie in Japanese, rattling off so fast even a Japanese major would swear he couldn't catch a damn thing.
What the bloody fucking hell is going on?
"Welcome, Khun-nŭu." The auntie nodded, taking Âi Shin's words with mighty respectful manners, making Dear stiffen. She turned to bow to him again, speaking slow Thai, then acted like she'd carry his small backpack too.
Shin's demeanor, saying something to the auntie, made her turn to Dear, smile faintly, and nod hard, until he had to wai and bow back, not knowing what the hell pose to strike.
"Come on, I'll show you the bedroom." Then Âi Shin dragged him into the house, explaining to Dear, who was even more dazed, as they went.
"Don't make that face. Auntie's tight with my Mâe. She came to Thailand when Mâe moved here. Speaks Thai, but you might need to go slow." Âi Shin explained, hauling him to the second floor. It wasn't that Dear was so thrilled by the vibe that he forgot Phîi Porsche, honest, but Âi Shin's house had Japanese rooms too.
The living room he glimpsed was laid with tatami mats, with a Japanese-style garden and paintings of Japanese characters.
"Am I still in Thailand or what?" He couldn't help asking.
Japanese garden, his Mâe's buddy's Japanese, and Japanese rooms. You sure I'm still in Thailand?
"You're nuts, man. I'd get you to Japan in ten minutes, maybe. Think before you ask dumb stuff." Shin answered without giving his friend a damn break. I'm just excited. Can't you humor me a bit? I'm hurting here.
"Don't pull that sad puppy dog face. Here's your room. Stay as long as you want." Âi Shin laughed at his look, playfully pushing his head, then opened a door wide, revealing... a normal bedroom.
"Oh, no futon to sleep on?"
Whack!
"Don't be a nutcase. I told you, Thailand." Âi Shin pushed his head again (I'm telling!). The bedroom looked damn ordinary, like a big, nice, okay, call it fancy and cozy bedroom. But Dear thought it'd be a tatami-mat room, like some onsen vibe from TV.
"This is the guest room. Make yourself at home."
Wham.
"You know, I could sleep with you... I'd feel bad," Dear said softly, grabbing Shin's shirt with a wham. I don't know how long I'll be here. I need to figure my way out first. But my friend opening a guest room for me, my conscience says I should feel bad.
That made Âi Shin pause, then shake his head.
"Feel bad about what? Sleep here... You sleeping with me's just unsafe." Âi Shin muttered the last bit to himself, but Dear's sharp ears caught it, and he quickly said,
"If you toss and turn, I can sleep on the floor."
"Don't be a pain. I'm letting you stay, so stay. I'll kick you out to sleep somewhere else." This time, Âi Shin looked a bit pissed, making the overconsiderate Dear shut up fast and nod with a down look.
"Sigh. I don't know what's up with you, but if you want to vent, I'm here to listen." Shin's attitude made him ruffle Dear's head gently, the usually loud little friend who today couldn't raise a fuss. Dear looked back with red eyes Shin nearly commented on, but if his friend wouldn't spill, he had no right to pry and make him uneasy.
"Sniff..."
"If you quit saying that, I'd be happy. Go sleep. You look like you haven't slept. I rushed to grab you without even brushing my teeth."
Dear just nodded, face damn heartbroken, making Shin, who'd come through right on time, shake his head. He watched Dear walk into the bedroom and plop onto the bed.
Tell him to rest, and he goes straight to sad mode. Shin thought this, closing the door behind his friend, sighing heavy, not asking. Shin could guess what went down last night.
"Your neck, your walk, not hard to guess, Âi Dear, what you've been up to." And he didn't let Dear sleep with him for pure safety.
Right now, I, Nai Shin, could get with anyone I don't love. I'm scared I might do something to that friend who's out of it.
Would I? If he cried and hugged me, I don't know if that damn desirable face would escape my hands.
***
Purin stirred about an hour after his roommate left. A large hand groped the soft bedding, searching for the body he'd hugged all night. Not finding it, his eyelids cracked open slow, brows furrowed, hand clutching his head.
"Damn crazy headache," the young man muttered to himself, shaking his head, making the pain worse. The tall frame shifted to sit up slow, then looked around.
Thud.
"!!!"
Purin's sharp eyes swept to the side, and he froze, stunned, seeing the bed's state, screaming what happened last night. He was even more shocked seeing someone's soccer shirt draped on the bed's edge, damn near falling off, making him grab it.
"Dear..."
Fwoosh.
That's all he could say. Purin ignored his headache, grabbed the previously flung aside pants, threw them on quickly, and strode fast out of the bedroom, as last night's memories flooded his head like a damn torrent.
"Dear!!!"
Bang!!!
The young man lunged to his Nong's bedroom first, flinging the door open. The empty room made him rush to check others, but no trace of the person he'd hugged all night.
"Dear!!! Goddamn it!"
Smash!
He slammed his fist hard on the wall beside him. Purin roared, realizing his little one wasn't in the condo. His big fist pounded down. His feelings were a jumbled mess, impossible to pin down. One thing sure: his heart felt hollow the second he didn't see his little one.
That made Purin dive for the phone to call, only to find... the other's phone was off.
Now, the young man slumped against the wall, eyes closed, trying to stay calm and dredge up what happened between them last night. Blurry as it was, he remembered. He started it. The desire that overflowed just because his little one was close.
He wasn't low-down enough to blame other stuff, but the booze he drank sparked what shouldn't have happened.
Yeah, this Nai Purin might've wanted to embrace his little one for a while, but he'd kept it to brotherly kisses. Last night, he lost control, and this happened.
But the worst, most damn despicable thing was seeing someone else's face. "Dream..." Yeah, he saw Dream's face while he was with Dear.
The only woman who's been in my heart since I was a kid. The Jae of the person I slept with last night.
Dream or Dear... I'd chosen. Chosen yesterday when I talked to Âi Ohm. But why'd this happen before I could sort my feelings!
"You're a damn shit-lizard, Âi Purin." The young man slumped to the floor, drained. Why didn't I stop last night? Why wasn't I clear-headed enough? I saw my little one's tears.
Even lost to lust, he saw the tear stains the second before Dear buried his face in the pillow the whole time. All his body did, following his heart, was hold his little one tight. But when did I let him go? How'd I let Dear slip away!
If I'd sorted myself out first, it wouldn't be like this.
Flash.
The thought made Purin stand up fast. He wasn't the type to wallow in problems thinking they couldn't be fixed. Though he wanted to find his little one most, how could he face Dear with everything still tangled in his heart for damn decades?
That made Purin call someone else right away.
"Dream, can we talk?"
***
Dear didn't know how long he sat still on that bed. He only knew Shin told him to rest, so he followed like his brain had no strength to command his body, just sitting, letting tears flow as they wanted, while memories from childhood to now tore at his little heart.
"Hic, how'd I not know, when I've been right there all along?"
Yeah, he was as dim-wit as Âi Sun called him, Âi-dim-wit and named right, but only got it this time. He was the one close to both Jae Dream and Phîi Porsche since forever, but why'd he never think there was something between them?
Since he was a kid, he'd see Phîi Porsche near Jae Dream always. They went to the same kindergarten, elementary, high school, even university.
Phîi Porsche was the moon, Jae Dream the star... they've been a pair since we were kids.
Phîi Porsche never crossed Jae Dream. Jae Dream only listened to Phîi Porsche.
Phîi Porsche let Jae Dream come and go in his private spots, whether his bedroom at home or the condo.
Wherever Jae Dream went, Phîi Porsche was usually there.
Me too. And most important, because Jae Dream loved me... my Jae loved me so much, Phîi Porsche... loved me too.
"Phîi never loved me. Not one bit. Where'd Phîi tell me I wasn't a stand-in... But why... why'd I have to be my Jae's stand-in?"
Because Jae Dream was far away, right? That's why Phîi kissed me. Acted like he felt something for me. I'm just a Nong... the Nong Phîi loves.
The Nong Phîi takes care of, indulges, pays attention to. One damn reason.
"Be... because I'm Jae Dream's Nong..."
Sob.
Phîi Porsche... I got a headache... damn headache... Where's Jae Dream? I want Jae Dream.
Dear's Mâe's scared Dream'll catch a cold, Khrap, clever one. I'll stay with you instead, okay?
Hic... Then isn't Phîi Porsche scared of catching my cold?
Haha, if I was scared, who'd keep you company? Dream worries about us a lot, you know. Think of me as Dream's stand-in. Okay, little one?
Okay, okay... um, Phîi Porsche's with me, right? Don't go anywhere... When I wake up, Phîi Porsche can't go anywhere.
Smack.
I still remember clearly. When I was real sick as a kid, Phîi Porsche was there, keeping that seven- or eight-year-old boy company all the time. I used to wonder how Phîi Porsche did it, but now I got the answer. Because Jae Dream asked him, right? Because Jae Dream told that fourteen- or fifteen-year-old, who should've been out with friends, to stay with me.
It wasn't about me at all. Not one bit. It was Jae Dream.
"Why didn't I know? Why didn't you know, Âi-dim-wit Dear!!!" Dear could only ask himself, wiping tears messily when he felt he'd cried enough, but they wouldn't stop. The more he sat still, the more thoughts piled in. And one thing he couldn't do... face Phîi Porsche and Jae Dream.
It seemed to Dear that he'd turned off his phone for hours. Only a short message sent to Jae Dream.
I'm not coming home. I'm doing a report with a friend...
He sent just that, then shut it off, not wanting to know a damn thing.
Ack!
***
"You. Eat."
"I'm not hungry." Dear hurriedly wiped tears, turning his back to his friend who bloody fucking opened the door with another tray, until he thought the tears were gone before facing him. This just made the damn dramatic friend worry more.
My state looks more pathetic than this morning.
"It's almost noon. Not hungry, you still gotta eat. Auntie made this stew special for you. Said... the Khun-nŭu's so little... I think my aunt meant you, Âi-Shorty." Âi Shin said, setting a tray of beef stew over rice, looking damn tasty and smelling good, on the room's table, then leaned his hip against it, eyeing Dear forcing a smile.
"Âi Dear, let me ask something." Shin saw Dear flinch, like he didn't want to answer, until he sighed and said straight,
"Did you clean out what he left in you last night?"
Gasp!
This time Dear jolted, staring at Shin, who kept going, not caring if his friend was embarrassed.
"If you cleaned it out or he used a condom, good. But if he left it in, you'll get a stomachache..."
[Translator's Note: This is a double context issue. First, traditional Thai medicine has a focus on bodily harmony, so retained bodily fluids might cause discomfort or imbalance. Second, prolonged retention of semen post-anal intercourse can cause irritation and infections like bacterial overgrowth. The tropical climate of Thailand lends itself to bacterial infection in general, so hygiene is a big deal.]
"You know..."
"Your state, you really got no clue, Âi Dear? My Mâe's people thought I just roughed you up, bringing you to crash here." Shin said, stepping closer to his little friend, patting his shoulder lightly.
"Who was it?" The half-breed young man locked eyes with Dear, asking in a serious voice that made him look up, then dodge his gaze and say soft,
"The guy... I love." Dear's answer was clear, followed by words that made Shin want to shake his head.
"He didn't do a thing to me... I did it to myself."
I made myself hurt, closing my ears and eyes, not seeing a damn thing around me.
"You've always been a good guy," Shin said, patting his little shoulder harder. I wanted to ask him. If Âi Dear said once he was hurt, or something was done he didn't want, I'd go raise hell right now. But this, I don't know what the other guy thought or did to make Dear like this.
"So you're not going to tell me?"
"Tell what? There's nothing."
"Fine, if there's nothing, eat it all, and don't toss it. My aunt made it special for you... If you want to play games, my room's next door. Holler if you need me." Shin said again, stressing someone made it for him. Believe it, Âi Dear would eat it all. Tasting it was another thing.
I could only help this much.
Love stuff, no one can help anyone but themselves.
"Hic, I'm still hurting, and I'm still thinking this crap."
***
Inside a laid-back restaurant in the suburbs, Dream was sipping her orange juice calmly, eyeing her close friend who today looked more stressed than usual, until she spoke first.
"What's the deal, calling me out for food? Where's my Nong? Not dragging him along to eat? Khun-chai Purin's treating, after all." The young woman said, making Purin just smile tense, then sigh heavy.
"Got a little something to talk about."
"Something?" This time, Dream raised her eyebrows a bit. The two young folks looked like a perfect match, like a golden branch and jade leaf to anyone watching.
Purin paused, thinking a moment, then said with a damn serious look.
"I love you, Dream."
Thud.
Dream froze a second, set down her half-drunk orange juice, and looked clear at Purin for a bit, before her pretty face lit up with a sweet smile.
"Took you long enough to say it, Khun-chai Purin."
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