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Perspective Ton (Point)
I remember clearly when I first knew him... the first day of Mathayom 4.
That day, I leave the house as usual, intending to go to school a bit early because I have an appointment with a childhood friend like Âi Gaw to enter school together. But I might have come out too early, because the bus driving to the school gate has only a few students on it. When I look at my watch, I think I still have half an hour. So I plan to cross over to buy something at 7-Eleven. But...
Thwack!!
"Oof!"
"Spit! Who said you were a senior, Wá! You pathetic lot!!!"
Crash!!!
I think I have a problem now.
When I hear the sound of people having a fight coming loudly from the alley next to the school, I think I am in for it from the first day. Even though I am not afraid of such things, I am too lazy to have problems. I intend to walk past quickly according to my original goal. But...
I cannot stop my gaze from looking in, and that makes me stunned.
I think the thwack thwack sounds mean several people are fighting like crazy dogs. But in reality, there is a single young man standing, surrounded by three other people who are fallen, holding their sides. And if I hear correctly…
The one still standing is in the same grade as me, but those who are fallen and being beaten up are... seniors. In that second, I just admire him... skilled, Wá. Fucking skilled. Even though he is ganged up on by three people... instead of walking away, I stand still, watching from the same spot.
I cannot see his face very clearly, you know. I only know he has a big build. He might even be bigger than a tall person like me. But he is thick. Just from looking at his school uniform, I can tell he probably is the type who plays sports regularly. Even though his uniform is smeared with dust and dark stains all over, it still draws my eyes to stand and watch.
Thwack!!
"Call me a show-off, you shit-lizard? It's you lot! Are you a pack of dogs or what, Wá!"
He still kicks one of the seniors in the stomach. So he does not notice another person who is staring at him with gleaming eyes, making a move to rush at him, until I sigh.
Pitiful, Wá. A pack of dogs, losing, and still attacking from behind.
So I...
"Teacher! Teacher! Over here! Over here there are students fighting! Teacher, come look quickly!!!" I shout loudly.
And that probably makes those pack dogs scared. This time, whoever has the strength to get up runs off toward the back school fence. As for the one who was being stomped, he has no friends to help him, left to lie there coughing up blood.
But what impresses me... that guy who is in the fight does not flinch.
He just turns this way and... makes eye contact.
"Where's the teacher, Wá?" he asks me, until I laugh.
"I guess I was mistaken." He stares at me motionlessly, before shrugging. His attitude seems like he does not care even if the teacher catches him. And that makes me fucking interested in him.
"Just as well. I am too lazy to get scolded." He says that, drops that senior, and walks out to the front of the alley while dusting off his body. But I think he is wiping the wrong spot.
"Interested in your wounds a bit?" I laugh, since his cheek is bruised and the corner of his lip is split so badly. But this bloody guy just shrugs annoyedly.
"Why should I be interested? I am used to it. I get worse than this during training." I think I guessed correctly that he plays sports, so I ask him further.
"You are in Mathayom 4, right?"
"Did you think I was in Mathayom 6 or something?"
Bloody fucking, he is an annoying fucker, Wôoi.
"Khrap, Khrap. Mathayom 4, Mathayom 4. I am also in Mathayom 4. I am Ton..... and you?"
"Are you asking to decorate your Phô's head or what?"
And he has a dog-mouth too.
I do not really want to get involved, you know, but this bloody guy is quite interesting. I suspect he is irritated because his body hurts. I think I will not hold it against him.
"Yeah, my Phô's head, exactly." So I answer him laughingly, until he whips his head around to stare at me, making a face like he wants to pick a fight. I suspect he is the delinquent type. While he points at my face and says in a threatening voice,
"Don't be an annoying fucker to me, if you do not want to lie down." He says only that, then walks away into the school.
That is the first impression I have of him..... a mad dog that bites everyone.
I think it must be fate. No, I do not think such girly thoughts like that. It is probably more of a coincidence, because it turns out he and I are in the same classroom... a damned coincidence!
"Hey, hey, what is your name?"
I certainly will not ask him again and get scolded a second time. But the person who is asking the name of the person sitting playing games, ignoring everyone, is my own little close friend... Âi Gok.
That little one who is never afraid of anyone, and right now he is inviting the school delinquent to chat, not caring how scared everyone else is, until that bloody guy looks up, pressing his gaze to look Âi Gok from head to toe.
"Are you asking to decorate your Phô's head or what, Wá."
I think he only has one joke, Wá. But do not look down on Âi Gok. If he decides to approach someone, it means he has thought it through. Because Âi Gok drags a chair to sit next to him and then laughs.
"My Phô does not want to know, but I am the one who wants to know. My name is Gok."
"I thought you were Nong Shorty."
"You have a dog-mouth, you. Soon no one will associate with you."
"I do not want anyone to."
"But you are bloody fucking handsome!"
I see that bloody guy freeze. He must think my friend has to be afraid of him, because of the size difference, it is like heaven and hell. But Âi Gok instead laughs loudly, saying it admiringly. Just as I thought, this guy wants to be skilled, wants to be strong. When he sees someone strong, he wants to be close to them. But this delinquent.... seems like no one has ever praised him before.
"Pae. My name is Pae." So he answers the question he refused to answer me, until I have to step to stand beside them.
"Wow, you. I ask and you do not answer, but you answer Âi Gok, huh?"
"You are not skilled, that is why, Âi Ton." My friend looks up and says boastfully, until I have to push his head in retaliation, then turn to the person named Pae.
"The teacher does not scold you about anything?"
"If he scolds, then bloody fucking let him. He is not my Phô or Mâe."
"You and your shit-lizard dog-mouth." Âi Gok says, but he is not scolding; he is interested, until this Âi Pae turns his face away. He has probably never been the target of interest before.
After that, the teacher enters, so we have to return to our seats. But, fucking hell, the first subject tells us to form groups of three. For me, it is not so bad, I just turn left and right and I know everyone around the table. I will definitely have Âi Gok as one person.
But...
I almost laugh out loud. This shit-lizard delinquent is bloody fucking upset!!!!
With a face like that, he has no friends, right? He probably only has adversaries and lackeys.
He must be having a problem forming a group, but he is quiet, staying still, acting like he does not care, Wá. So what if he does not have a group? Furthermore...
"It is just forming a group. Why are you so excited, Wá? He did not order us to fuck each other." His mouth is really something else. No one else dares to invite him either, until I plan to help him out a bit by turning to Âi Gok, intending to ask if we can take him into our group. But...
"Will you come to my group? I guarantee no fucking for sure."
My friend asks first, and that... this bloody fucking delinquent secretly smiles, Wá.
I hold back my laughter until my shoulders shake, while looking at Âi Pae's face, which improves now that he has a group, but he still cannot resist his mouth picking a fight.
"I would not want you either. Just talking is disgusting."
Throughout the class, I cannot look at his face... it is so funny! This shit-lizard with a dog-mouth who is afraid of not having a group. Nothing is funnier than this!
After that day, I become closer to him. And because I follow him to watch him get into fights, intending to help collect the bodies, back and forth, I end up fighting with them too, until everyone says we are the school's resident delinquents. Only Âi Gok is the one Âi Pae refuses to let follow.
Âi Gok is secretly upset that it is because he is small, he does not look tough, he is not manly or what, that he is not allowed to go with them. So he plays a shortcut method to prove himself... he does not join the Reserve Officer Training Corps, Khrap.
He is crazy. I even think he is crazy. I scold him for several days, asking what he will do if he gets drafted as a soldier in the future. But he says he wants others to accept him, he will take the risk, until Âi Pae himself finally agrees to let him follow. But... I start to notice something.
Âi Pae does not take Âi Gok along, not because of not accepting him or any such nonsense. He just... worries. He probably does not want someone like Âi Gok to get beaten up. But in the end, he agrees anyway. Plus, Âi Gok is the type who has brains and guts, so he goes and survives every time. At most, he gets hit two punches before Âi Pae steps in to help.
I, who keep observing, think it is fun, seeing a delinquent protect someone else.
Our life is just like this. After that, people from other classes join, like Âi Graphic, the son of a politician who gets in the way everywhere, who sometimes likes to make a scary face often. But Âi Pae does not like him.
Âi Pae says he detests Âi Graphic's handsome face, but I think that is not it, Wá.
Something small pricks my mind. But... I think I am probably imagining it. The truth is probably because Âi Graphic and Âi Gok get along quite well instead. Until I gradually...
Even my own imagination begins to take shape.
Âi Pae does not listen to anyone. Even if the teacher comes himself, he is not afraid. His parents come to scold him in front of the school and he does not care, because he believes he is the best. But a person like him still listens to only one person.... he listens to Âi Gok.
He says Âi Gok speaks with reason, has thoughts, so he is willing to listen. But I think there are other people who are more reasonable, but he does not pay attention to them.
Before I know it, Âi Pae is very attached to Âi Gok, doing everything according to what Âi Gok says. I, his close friend, do not know fucking anything. But the most surprising thing is, an observer like me starts to not find it funny anymore.
I... feel heartache.
I feel peculiar, Wá. Every time I look at Âi Pae following Âi Gok obediently, I feel a pain in my chest. I feel like I cannot breathe. At first, I try to forget it. But as more time passes, I begin to recognize the abnormality in myself.
I know then that Âi Pae likes Âi Gok, and on the same day, I also know that.... I like Âi Pae.
He is still the stupidest, a fucking guy with nothing good about him. His mouth is a dog-mouth, his face is just so-so, he picks fights nonstop every day. Furthermore, I am the first person to recognize the vicious cycle that is happening. As for Âi Gok, he does not know anything at all. Âi Pae himself is stubbornly stupid. Only I am the one who knows by myself, hurts by myself, and then scolds my own heart.
I do not hope for anything anyway. I am a man. Âi Pae is also a man. Furthermore, I am not even a little bit cute like Âi Gok. So I do not think further than that, comforting myself that taking a person like Âi Pae as a romantic partner would ruin my life anyway.
But then, things get even worse than that.
Everything stems from one word... dim-wit!
I never thought Âi Pae would be more stubborn than a buffalo. No, every animal on earth might be smarter than him. Him not knowing he likes Âi Gok is one thing, but does he bloody realize that the mouth he uses says things that insult himself entirely!
He acts disgusted by gay people, hates cute men, uses his dog-mouth on men who do not look manly, and I am sorry, but Âi Gok fits almost all those categories. But Âi Pae still scolds and scolds and scolds, not noticing at all that Âi Gok looks upset every time and wants to distance himself from him more and more.
So I warn him. I tell him not to talk like this. He instead scolds me, saying... or are you one?
I really want to retort...
"Learn to look at your own reflection in the mirror sometimes, you shit-lizard!" But I just stay silent, until it becomes that I and he quarrel more frequently.
That, I mean well. I do not want him to be hated. But he is too stupid, making himself hated.
And then we reach Mathayom 4... Âi Gok becomes even more different.
He starts socializing with us less. He avoids us more often than before, which makes Âi Pae even more irritable. But still, he does not know why he is irritable, so he picks fights everywhere, takes his anger out on everyone everywhere. Even Âi Graphic gets it, because Âi Gok happens to stick close to Âi Graphic more.
As for me, what can I do? I warn him, I scold him, I restrain him, and he still does not realize. Until... the matter blows up.
The second Âi Gok explodes and tells him not to insult the person at the cake shop, I can piece the story together.
Âi Gok disappears every evening. When the term break comes, he refuses to meet up. While at that time, there is a famous story about the shop in front of the school. Furthermore, he is extremely angry that Âi Pae goes to look down on the person at that shop. I therefore know immediately where Âi Gok disappears to, and with whom.
This friend of mine has never exploded like this even once, but he dares to the point of punching, kicking Âi Pae, yelling all sorts of things, until I myself have to restrain him with all my strength. But you know what is funnier than that?... Âi Pae still does not realize.
Now I do not know whether to laugh or cry.
I try to help him, but he does not help himself at all. Even when I go to tutoring class without knowing the situation, he uses that opportunity to go pick a fight with Âi Gok.
He does not realize at all that he is jealous of Âi Gok, possessive of Âi Gok, does not know that he is acting like a youth lacking warmth, demanding attention.
Âi Pae thinks Âi Gok sees him as the most important, thinks that no matter what, Âi Gok must come bow to him, must come apologize to him, must want to be friends again like before. But a glass... once broken is just broken.
Not to mention that.... Âi Pae has thrown it until it is shattered to pieces.
"I will not get involved with him anymore." Âi Gok tells me with the most serious face I have ever seen.
"Whoever insults Phîi Pong, I will not consider them a friend!"
It is over. Âi Pae's secret love. But I... cannot laugh.
That day, I must have reached my limit, so I hit the stupid one in the face with the truth to make him smart for once. I tell him everything, what he really feels, where he went wrong. And instead of feeling satisfied to see him heartbroken, I instead.... cry even more.
I am heartbroken. I cry. Even though he is the one having his heart broken, I.... never want to see him in that condition.
But I cannot help him anymore. I chose Âi Gok.
Faintly, between the two of them, I choose the important friend over the hope that...
From that day, he and I... never talk to each other again.
***
"Âi Ton, Âi Ton, Wôoi, what about the project, Wá?"
"Just nothing. I can only do so much. At this point, I have no time to sleep, you damned-animal!"
Now, I am in my third year of university. Everything in high school life is just a past event that has passed. I live a normal life, take university entrance exams, participate in freshman orientation, get to know new friends, and... have romantic partners.
I date a few young women, but we break up, until now I have no one. It is not because I cannot forget the past, but because I am pouring myself into a tiring course project that is breaking my back, until I do not want anyone at all. I want to throw myself down on the bed and sleep for a long time instead. But...
They say the past often comes back to haunt you, don't they?
Rrrringggggg!
My phone rings and it... is him calling.
I never change my mobile number, and he has never called throughout these three years.
"What is it?"
"Can you come out and see me for a bit?"
He asks me only this. Even though I want to sleep to death, I...
"Okay."
I think I might be more pitiable than anyone else, agreeing to go see the past that makes me heartbroken.
Âi Pae is still the same. No, he has grown up.
The young man waiting for me in front of the faculty still looks no different from before: big build, face looking for a fight, athlete's body. But the gaze that used to pick fights with everything, look down on everyone, and despise weak people has changed. He is looking at me with.... confusion.
"What business do you have? I have another appointment."
I lie to him. He clenches his fist tightly, lowers his head, and then tries to force a laugh.
"You have changed."
"If you have time to talk about this, I would rather have the time to sleep."
Gasp
He is still. He is silent. And I think I should walk away from here. But then...
"Did you used to like me or what, Wá?"
I am not surprised that he knows. That day, I told him clearly to look better at the person who is interested in him. And I wait for the sound of disgusted scolding from him, even though I do not hear it until graduation. And now he might come to scold me.
"Why talk about the past?"
"I..." He looks up and then is silent. After that, the person sitting leans down even lower, until his face is even closer to his knees.
"I come to ask for a chance."
Gasp
I am still, staring at him intently. For a moment, I am almost going crazy, and then he says...
"I come to ask to start over with you."
What does he want? Is he making fun of me? Does he think after three years I was just playing around with him or what!
"But you.... probably do not like me anymore, right?" He looks up to look at me. The person who dared to have a problem with three seniors is looking at me with eyes full of sorrow. I want to turn my face away, but why am I still meeting his gaze?
"I am not Âi Gok."
Gasp "I know. B-but I... I am sorry. I should not have come to say anything right now." He is silent, then stands up.
"I will go back, then. I am sorry for making you disgusted with a person like me."
"Wait!"
I understand the feeling of hating myself now.
I call out to him, looking at the back I used to fight alongside.
"Is this all the concession you have, Wá? You come to ask for a chance, and you only do this much?" I speak out until I get it.... the three years that I.... never forgot the past.
The words make Âi Pae turn to look at me with wide eyes.
"You want to start over with me, right?" I ask him, until Âi Pae nods.
"Then start from counting one, you."
I tell him only that, and Âi Pae... cries.
I have never seen his tears, even on the day Âi Gok asked to cut ties. But I see his tears on the day I agree to give him a chance.
I still have hope, don't I?
I do not know what the past three years have done to him. But for me, the three years have stopped moving all along. And now... the clock hand is moving again.
If a stupid person like him is ready to start over, a smart person like me... is also ready. Until I speak up.
"What is your name?"
"Pae. My name is Pae. And you?"
"My name is Ton."
I smile at him, because now we are starting over anew, like the day we met by the school alley.
We are starting over again, and this time I hope I will not be heartbroken.
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