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Perspective Gok
If I could turn back time, the first thing I would do is go and smack my own head for having been so suspicious of Phîi Khaí that I once wanted to fight him. I even assumed things, twisting everything he said from white to black. But that is just my style. I do not blame only myself.
Gok must always be right.
He who strikes first gains the advantage.
That is me.
“Phîi Khaí is the one who is wrong. Who told him to make a face like that when he is worried about someone?” And right now, I am laying the blame fully.
“Wrong?”
“There, Phîi, just like that! Why are you frowning like a corpse?”
Phîi Khaí is not Phîi Pong, so he definitely will not take responsibility for everything I accuse him of. On the contrary, Phîi Khaí frowns even deeper, his brows knitting together, making a displeased face at being blamed. Of course, someone with no status like me (or do I?) would naturally find his face annoying.
Even though....
“I am not frowning. This is my normal face.”
“Your Phô's normal face, maybe!”
“My Phô died a long time ago.”
Ouch! Where is this man's sense of humor?!
If this were me several months ago, I would definitely think I was being cursed at for joking about his deceased parent. I would also think this Âi'guy is planning my murder in his head for daring to touch on the dead. But no.
Phîi Khaí is just explaining with an expression... that makes him want to kill someone.
“You cannot answer like that, Phîi. People will think you are angry.”
“I am not angry.” There he is, frowning again. I sigh and look at Phîi Pong's face, who is laughing softly.
“His face is just like that.”
After the issue with Phîi Guide was resolved, Phîi Pong and I went to talk with my parents. They said we are still young, whatever our relationship is, we should stay in their sight for a while longer. I had to promise that if I ever lose my mind and think of doing something crazy, I would talk it through with them first.
Yeah, I know it was wrong to think about running away from home, but I love my man, damn it!
I think this while glancing back at Phîi Pong's face as he prepares a delicious dinner, then turn to look at another handsome but deadpan face and secretly sigh.
Phîi Khaí, man, I am with my Phûa!
I am not as obtuse or fussy as before. I am not angry that Phîi Khaí comes to see Phîi Pong on Saturdays like he used to. Moreover, he even got hurt because of my Phîi. But the reason I feel like fussing and getting irritated is... I also want to be alone with Phîi Pong.
Lately, the repaired shop is finished, and Phîi Pong himself is busy with shop matters. On a holiday like this, I really want to spend time together, not to mention I have been forbidden by my Mâe from staying overnight away from home for a full month.
I want to be with Phîi Pong, just the two of us!
"Sighhhhh"
“Am I being a nuisance?”
“No... Khrap, Phîi.”
The moment I sigh, Phîi Khaí asks, so I have to... grit my teeth and deny it.
Is he asking out of consideration, or is he making a threatening face so I will say no?
The thought makes me look clearly at Phîi Pong's friend once more.... Phîi Khaí is really handsome. Very much so. I can confirm it.
He is a man who gives the feeling of being mixed with many nationalities. He is not handsome in a typical Thai way like Phîi Pong, who has sun-tanned skin. Phîi Khaí is fair, but not pale. Phîi Khaí has jet-black hair that makes his face extremely sharp. Then there are his slanted eyebrows that should make him handsome, but they bloody well make him look like a villain. His sharp, sparkling eyes—if they were a bit more radiant, Gok would bet that girls would fall for him. But in reality, they are intense and also seem to look down on people. His mouth is the same...
Do the corners of his mouth always curve downward?
Besides, his clothes... Phîi Khaí likes to wear slacks and dark-colored shirts. If it is a bit hot, he rolls up the sleeves. No matter the occasion, he wears this and rarely wears comfortable clothes like jeans and a t-shirt like Phîi Pong.
If I were to compare, Phîi Khaí is handsome like a mafia movie protagonist, but it is hard to tell if he is the hero or the villain.
It is this kind of handsomeness that makes girls fall for him and gossip widely that actually, Phîi Khaí is topping Phîi Pong, not Phîi Pong topping Phîi Khaí.
Damn, that nuisance of a rumor is still working. Just wait, I will flip the card and destroy the trap.
However others praise Phîi Khaí's looks, for me, Phîi Pong is the best... Yeah, I should stop being so obsessed with my Phûa.
As for why Phîi Khaí is here today... for advice, of course.
What could a handsome face like his need advice for..... His biggest problem is his face.
That is it.
“Why doesn't Phîi Khaí talk to Phîi Pong on weekdays? You see each other almost every day.”
“Do not mix work time with personal matters.”
Thud
If this were the old me, I would be furious. But now, I just take a deep breath because I am starting to get the hang of it.
“You are not scolding me, are you?”
“No. Just teaching.”
If you want to know what this man is thinking, ask. And Phîi Khaí will answer. You will find that he is a very serious person.
“Phîi Pong, Phîi Khaí says Gok is an ill-mannered youth!” So I pretend to tattle to Phîi Pong. My dearest lover laughs softly, brings a plate of food to put on the dining table, and then kisses my cheek.
“Then, should I teach you tonight?”
Shit, I am blushing!
“Where can you teach? Gok has to go sleep at home.” I mumble, making Phîi Pong laugh and shake my head again. Then he says, “I am going out to 7-Eleven for a moment. Do you want anything?”
“Huh? Is something out, Phîi Pong?”
“There is no beer left in the room. I will stop by to buy some. Looks like it will be a long night today.” Phîi Pong nods towards his close friend, who is shaking his head.
“I did not come to get drunk.”
“But if you are not drunk, you will not talk properly.” Phîi Pong says knowingly, but his eyes look very worried about his friend, so I do not think anything of it.
I like that Phîi Pong worries about his friends like this.
“Then Gok wants a one-liter bottle of Pepsi.”
“Okay. I will be back.”
Whoosh
Phîi Pong can stroke my cheek, but he cannot smile provocatively like this!
That smile makes me... want him.
Right now, just it being Phîi Pong, my well-taught body responds so readily it is frustrating... frustrating that there is no time to do it fully.
Nowadays, I fully accept my own lust.
“Phîi is teasing me, right?”
Phîi Pong has left. Only Phîi Khaí and I remain. I, who am eating a snack, sigh. Not because I do not have to be considerate of Phîi Pong anymore, but because of Phîi Khaí's face... Why does he have to make a face like he is looking for a fight?
“No, Phîi, you are not a nuisance. Anyway, I have a curfew these days.” I answer honestly before placing my arms on the dining table and leaning forward a little. The man opposite remains still, his eyebrows still close together as if deciding on a hundred-million-baht business deal, not talking to a high school student.
“Phîi Khaí came to consult Phîi Pong about the person you like, right?”
Thud
“Did he talk?”
He must like you, right? Even asking this, he looks like he is picking a fight.
“Mmm, I am the one asking. I confess right here, Phîi Khaí, I thought you liked Phîi Pong.” This time, I see him change his expression.... Phîi Khaí laughs.
No, no, no, do not imagine a sunflower smile. Even when he laughs, it still seems like a mocking laugh.
His face is bloody fucking problematic!
“No way.”
“I thought so too.”
Lately, I am trying to understand Phîi Khaí. This might be an opportunity. I also want to be a part of Phîi Pong's life, just like Phîi Pong has done for me. Therefore, I also want to get close to the important friend of my Phîi Cake Shop.
To be honest, I also feel grateful that he once helped me. So...
“Is there anything I can help with?”
I am such a good person, helping others. Phîi Pong, come praise me soon.
I smile widely, looking for a way to be cute with the shop owner, when the person opposite stares at my face silently and says...
“If you need money, just say so.”
"Huh?"
I am confused. I call for a helper card!
Suddenly, Phîi Khaí says something incomprehensible, making me blink rapidly and look at his perfectly still, sharp face. Even I, who somewhat know him now, still think his face looks contemptuous, so I shake my head.
“Hey, are you looking down on me?”
“Sighhhhhhh” When I ask, he lets out a long sigh, raises his hand to hold his temple, and massages his brow lightly.
“That is Phîi's problem.” I tilt my head, looking at the person hiding his expression behind his palm, as he explains a bit more.
“Phîi wants to help a youth he looks after, but that youth says Phîi is looking down on him.”
I want to laugh, but I cannot, seeing the extremely stressed expression on the person opposite. Moreover, his dangerously deep, low voice reaches my ears again.
“I saw he was having difficulties, so I wanted to help. But Pong said with a face like this, who would understand?” I nod firmly.
“I think Phîi's problem is not just your expression. Your way of speaking too... you speak too little.”
“If I talk a lot, he says I am picking a fight.”
I guess I have seen too little of the world, since this is the first time I have met someone like this.
I am starting to feel sorry for Phîi Pong's friend. He is actually kind to a fault (Phîi Pong said), and he is also sympathetic towards others (Phîi Pong said this too), and he likes to observe other people's moods (Phîi Pong said this again), but he ends up making the people he talks to feel that Phîi Khaí has a bad personality.
“So Phîi just has to stand still, right?”
These days, people who come to the shop view Phîi Khaí in two categories.
First... a cool, intense man who rarely smiles.
Second... a pretentious guy who thinks he is so handsome it kills.
I used to be in the second category, and I am sure many men view him as the second category because Phîi Khaí solves the problem of his unfriendly face by speaking even less.
“Hmm, it helps more.”
“But your face should already be an advantage. Who says eloquence is the main advantage and good looks are secondary? Nowadays, everyone looks at the face first. With a face like this, if you go hit on anyone, you would succeed.”
“No. They hate me instead.” The other party shakes his head, so I cannot help but ask.
“Then what did you say to him?”
“Nothing. I just bought him something and handed it to him directly. He said I was insulting him.”
My eyes widen in shock. Phîi Khaí is at a critical level!
“What did you buy him?”
“A car.”
“What! A car!!!” My eyes almost pop out. I look at the person who is frowning even more heavily.
“I saw he was having trouble getting to school, so I bought it for him.”
“And what did you tell him...”
“Take it. Just use it.”
I am speechless. Stunned. I cannot speak. I look at this person with extremely extreme thinking. If he met people who hope to get rich quick or are con artists, they would take it easily. But this is probably not the case. It sounds like an old sugar daddy trying to buy a little girl with money.
“Women do not like that, Phîi....
“It is a man.”
Thud
I am stunned again, looking at Phîi Khaí, who nods in confirmation.
“He is almost two years older than Gok.”
I calculate quickly in my mind. That means... twenty!
This pair likes to prey on youths, don't they?
“People have dignity. I think giving him a car when you are not even in a relationship is a bit too much.”
“It is just a car.”
I am starting to wonder what he does for a living. But, well, I am too lazy to pry. Just hearing this gives me a headache on his behalf.
“Then you should buy something less expensive, like a bag, shoes, take him out to eat, things like that.” Actually, do not ask me. In my nineteen years, I have only been with Phîi Pong, and I do not plan to go any other way either.
“Just seeing my face, he does not want to see it.”
“Then you should smile.”
“I am smiling.” Phîi Khaí raises his hand to touch his chin and strokes it lightly. Then the corners of his mouth... twist into a smile.
“Not like this, Phîi! A wide smile, like Phîi Pong! A smile that is super handsome, super bright, super angelic! Not a satanic one!” I am so frustrated. As for Phîi Khaí, he sighs heavily and says one word.
“Youths are hard to understand.”
It is the old man who is bloody fucking difficult!
I want to curse, but I still respect my benefactor, so I smile as an example.
“Like this, Phîi. Just smile, make both sides of your mouth lift up like this.” I pull the corners of my own mouth up. Phîi Khaí tries to watch, but...
“It still looks scary.”
I do not understand. What is it that is not right? The eyebrows? The eyes? The shape of the nose? Would plastic surgery on the whole face help? Do not bother; you might become less handsome, not worth it.
Phîi Khaí shakes his head, acting as if he is giving up. But I do not want him to give up. It looks like he is trying his best.
“Forget it. He does not want to see my face anyway.”
“But you like him, don't you?”
“Phîi Khaí, don't make that face! I thought you were going to kill me.”
He remains silent. It must be as he said, talking is useless, so he chooses to be silent. And now he does it even with me. It is probably, well, I think Phîi Khaí does not want me to feel bad about him anymore. Staying silent is probably better.
“Then, Phîi Khaí, why not buy something light, like a bag, and tell him, um... 'Please take it. I want you to have it.'” I think even with a deadpan face, saying this should not be a problem. However...
“Take it.”
“Noooooo! Not like that! Not, not, not, not! Ouch, it is not like that, Phîi Khaí! That face is super contemptuous!” I cannot take it anymore! Why is such a simple thing so difficult? Just smile! Just say you are giving it to him!
Smack
“Ouch!” So I climb over the table, grab the corners of Phîi Khaí's mouth, and... lift them.
“Like this, Phîi! Like this! A wide smile! And your eyes, do not lower them! Why are you lowering them like a corpse?!” Now, no respect remains. Only frustration remains. And at that moment...
Gasp
“What are you doing!”
Phîi Pong is back and is... making a very stern face.
The moment I turn around, I quickly lower my hands because my angelic Phîi seems to be in the wrong mode. He takes long strides in and then...
Smack
“Even if it is you, I will not allow it, Khaí!”
Phîi Pong grabs me and pulls me into a hug!
I am so flustered my hands feel weak, my blood is pumping, my heart is racing from the super, super cool possessive act, until I want to bury myself in his chest. But now is not the time, so both my hands quickly hold Phîi Pong's arms.
“Phîi Pong, it is not what you think...”
“I will not allow Nong Gok to touch another man's face!”
Shit, so savage! So cool! I want it now! This feeling!
My heart is too straightforward, but my mouth still feels sympathy...
“Gok was just teaching Phîi Khaí how to smile.”
“Then why do you have to touch!”
Ouch, I want Phîi Pong to punish me with this cool act.
“Be...because Phîi Khaí does not know how to smile.”
“So what!”
Let-me-die, my lower part is swollen now. Do not use that strong voice, it's... thrilling!
“Then why is your face red?” Phîi Pong is using a strong voice on me, but why does my heart beat so fast with his jealousy?
I like it. I like it a lot.
“Nong Gok!”
I startle, pulled from my thoughts because if Phîi Pong keeps making this face, I would not care if there is someone else in the room.
“It is just Phîi Pong...”
“What did I do!”
“You are so bloody fucking cool, man.”
I cover my face very hard. My voice is very whiny. I really want to cry hard.
Thud
Of course, Phîi Pong is stunned. The arms holding my body tightly loosen but do not fail to ask further.
“And what does that have to do with your face being red?”
“It is just that Phîi Pong is so savage. When you yell at me, Gok feels a shiver down to the nape of my neck. I cannot take it. I already like your normal cool act, and this one is great too! Ouch, Gok is going to die. Gok wants both versions!!!”
Oh, my mouth.
This time, covering my face is not because I am blushing... I am extremely embarrassed.
The answer makes Phîi Pong stop pointing. He just looks at me silently until I have to peek up, and I find that he... breaks into a wide smile, showing all his teeth, until I quickly turn to look at the face of another person who is sitting still like air and point...
“Like this, Phîi Khaí! You have to smile like this! See? I get goosebumps all over! I bloody well want to grab Phîi Pong and throw him on the bed!”
Oh, my mouth. That is my Phûa's friend. Can you not reveal your true self so much?
I still insist on pointing at Phîi Pong, which makes the listener say one word.
“How enviable.”
“It is not enviable. Phîi just needs to learn to smile like Phîi Pong. Even though no one can smile as handsomely as Phîi Pong in my eyes, if you practice a lot, you will get it. Every human being can smile, damn it! Even Moo, my dog, can smile!” I really want to help him, but he shakes his head.
“It is not about smiling.... It is about loving each other.”
I freeze, looking silently into those scary eyes.
“If that youth would smile at me too..... it would be nice.”
Why is it that now, even though Phîi Khaí has the same expression as before, the same emotionless, dead-cell flatness, I instead see that Phîi Khaí is... sad.
I feel sorry for Phîi Khaí.
“It is not that difficult, is it? He smiles at you quite often.” Phîi Pong releases his embrace from me, probably no longer angry, as he goes to slap his friend's shoulder firmly.
“You can make him smile too.”
“But that is not me.”
I do not really understand what they are talking about. I can only look left and right.
“But that is still 'Khaí'.”
“It is someone he does not know.”
Phîi Khaí says only that before standing up, taking the bag containing the whole pack of beer himself. Then he turns to me.
“Thank you for your help.” Then Phîi Khaí turns to his friend.
“I am leaving for today.”
“Will you not stay for dinner?”
“No.”
He probably does not want to impose, or perhaps, as implied... he is jealous. However, before the tall figure steps out of the room, Phîi Khaí turns to me and says...
“Can you please accept it..... I want you to have it.”
My eyes widen immediately before I slam the table.
“There, there! Phîi Khaí can do it!” Even without a smile, the softened deep voice should easily melt the listener's heart, so he only replies...
“At least I can be 'someone' to him.”
Phîi Khaí says only that before stepping out of the room. I can only turn to look at Phîi Pong, who is walking to scoop rice, so I have to follow and ask curiously.
“What did Phîi Khaí mean, Phîi Pong?” A question that makes Phîi Pong pause for a moment, then shake his head.
“Just what he said. He always says he just wants to be 'someone' for that youth. But actually, he wants to be 'that someone' whom that youth cannot live without. But he just uses the wrong method... but, well, that is just like him.” Phîi Pong does not explain further what he means. Let us just say I do not really want to pry. I just know he is trying his best, and that is that.
“But speaking of which, your friend has left.... Nong Gok... hmm, what is the latest you can return?”
Thud
I am electrified. Totally electrified.
Phîi Pong can clear his throat all he wants because we both know what a question like this means.
Smack
“Phîi Pong, can we eat something else before dinner? Huh, huh?” I mumble shyly, making him smile widely and then... quickly scoop me up.
“I will try to get you back before midnight.”
“Later is fine.... I will whine to Mâe later.”
I am not a completely lustful. Not at all. It is just... I want to be together longer.
The thought makes me hug Phîi Pong's neck tightly. He laughs out loud and leads me upstairs to the loft, whispering again.
“You want the savage version, right?”
As for me...
“Mmm-hmm.”
I mourn my own lust for a moment.
Of course, I will make the most of my time with Phîi Pong. As for Phîi Khaí, he continues trying to be 'someone' in his own part.... It will not be too long a wait... soon he will get to be...
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