Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
Perspective Pongprot
Last night, I talked with Nong about many things. I tell him everything that has happened.
I tell him about all the things I have done to him, about the time I talked with that Ai' Guide, about being chased away like a pig, like a dog, about deciding to run away to work abroad, and then finding I could not bear it, until I had to return to Thailand.
Nong Gok listens with a calm, still expression. Only his two hands hold tightly around my waist. He buries his face against my chest and then whispers words that send warmth flooding through my entire body.
“Thank you for coming back to Gok again, Phîi Pong.”
I am the one who must thank him for accepting what happened. I must thank him for not saying a single word of blame, even though he knows I did everything possible to make him fall into my trap until he could not escape, even teaching and constantly feeding him things like that, making his small body remember until he could not do it with anyone else.
Really, I am a despicable-person for doing everything to have him.
But Nong Gok just laughs and says...
“This matter of craving isn't because of Phîi Pong. The world just created us to be a perfect match.”
I love Nong very much. I love him so much I have no heart left to love myself.
The thoughts swirling in my head are quite disgusting. I am almost thirty years old, but I get so excited I cannot sleep, just from looking at the lovely sliver of his face sleeping peacefully beside me. I feel happiness just from tracing my knuckles along his cheeks and drinking in the lips I get to touch against his fair, clear skin.
I lie looking at his face all night, while also thinking about what to do next.
If that Ai' Guide will not accept it, if Nong Gok's family cannot accept it, I... will take Nong away abroad.
It is a very despicable thought, is it not? I intend to take Nong away from his family to a land he knows nothing about. I plan for him to have to rely only on me. I will be the only important person in his life.
I think, but just imagining Nong crying from homesickness, my heart... aches completely.
Then.
It remains just a thought. I cannot hurt Nong Gok. Therefore, no matter if I must get hurt, lose the shop, or be left with nothing, I must make that family accept me. I must make Nong Gok the happiest person, and he must be able to say he did not make a mistake in choosing someone like me.
I fall asleep with thoughts like that filling my head, until... I wake up late.
It is fortunate that today is the shop's day off anyway, and I already called to say I am canceling classes tomorrow. Therefore, I will have at least two days to think and plan how to make my former friend accept our relationship, even though I know full well this short time might not accomplish anything.
But.... it turns out to be the happiest time.
Sizzle... sizzle...
“Ouch, this shit-lizard oil! Stop splattering!”
I startle awake because I cannot find the warm body beside me. My eyes fly open in alarm. However, the familiar voice makes me calm down, and the faint fragrance wafting up to the loft makes me fully awake. I lean over to look downstairs, and then I see.... the sight that makes me the happiest.
Nong Gok's small figure, busy in front of the stove frying bacon. But his unfamiliarity with it makes him jump and yelp, mumbling to himself, and even using a pot lid to shield his face.... It is so adorable and endearing I cannot continue lying still.
I throw off the blanket and get up immediately, then step silently downstairs. I sneak up quietly, even though I know I should not startle someone cooking, but I truly cannot help it....
Grab
"Mm!!! Phîi Pong!"
I pull his arm close to my body, until the spatula falls to the floor, and hug him tightly. Without letting him regain his composure, I bend down to plant a big, loud kiss on his brilliantly white cheek, making Nong Gok yelp in surprise. However, his fair face tilts, lifts, and then offers his cheek.
“Don't startle me, Phîi Pong. If you want a kiss, just tell Gok.”
“How can you be this adorable!” I even want to shout it for the world to hear, but I can only shout it across the wide room. I cannot resist, going down to nibble his left cheek, switch to the right cheek, and kiss until the fair cheeks take on a rosy hue. Then I move to his forehead, switching back and forth as if I want to eat him whole.
Until... Nong Gok becomes so happy he disappears, closing his eyes tightly, not resisting at all, letting me do as I please.
Sizzle
“It's burning! Ahhh, it's burning, Phîi Pong! It's burning, burning, burning!” The smell of burning that touches my nose makes Nong open his eyes immediately. He then jumps up and down, making a distressed face, pointing at the pan with the burnt bacon, until I laugh. I let him go to grab that pan and throw it into the sink.
“It is okay. Let it burn. I have plenty more bacon, many more pans. But I have only one Nong Gok. Let me nibble on you to my heart's content.” Nong's face is red now. He raises his hands to hold my arms and then mumbles.
"After we eat, okay, Phîi Pong? I will let you nibble as much as you want then. Right now, I am so damn hungry. I did not get to eat anything yesterday.” He uses his other hand to rub his stomach softly, until my eyes widen. I head straight to open the refrigerator and ask with an anxious voice.
“Why didn't you tell me last night? You must be starving. Oh, I have fruit. I will peel an apple for you to eat while waiting for me to make breakfast.” I make a move to get a knife to peel the apple, but...
Snatch
“No, I don't want it. No need to peel. Gok can eat it like this.” He snatches the apple from my hand and takes a big bite. Then.....
Smack
“Gok only gets to do this when Phîi Pong makes something for Gok to eat.”
Thud
He uses his other hand to hug my waist and then looks up to smile at me.
Let-me-die, how can he be born as such an adorable creature?!?!?
The bed, for sure! I should regain my composure and get back to making breakfast. Otherwise, I might just pounce on him and push him down.
The thought makes me shake my head slowly because my symptoms seem worse than several years ago. When I confessed this matter to my grandmother, she once asked me if it was because of infatuation, but I can definitely say it is not. My heart knows best, and I will use the time from now on to prove that my love for Nong Gok is real.
“Gok really likes this.”
“Pardon?” I am slicing bread to make French toast when Nong Gok remarks.
“I just like waking up and finding Phîi Pong like this. Seeing Phîi Pong make breakfast for me like this, it is just like a newlywed couple, right?”
Sigh, if my hands were free, I would pinch his nose and wiggle it like a mischievous person.
“Then, will you be mine?” I must regain my composure, and that makes Nong Gok's eyes go wide.
Then… "Mmm-hmm, yes, yes!"
Let-me-die, he is truly adorable.
The little one nods firmly, without any of the hesitation from when we first met. The person who holds my waist firmly then continues in a pleasant voice.
“Phîi Pong, you know... you are a fallen angel...”
When did I plant this thought in his head? Me, an angel? I am a wicked demon.
Never mind.
“...but Gok must tell you first, you are forbidden from sacrificing yourself like those drama protagonists who let Gok go for Gok's happiness. No matter what that despicable-person Phîi says, no matter how much Mâe and Phô complain, Gok wants Phîi Pong to promise you will not let go of Gok's hand. Do not say it is for Gok's happiness, because Gok's happiness is you.”
I fall silent. My hand, which was dipping the bread, stops. I can only turn to look into his large, determined eyes, and I find that the person both I and that Ai' Guide thought was still a youth has grown into an adult in such a short time. Nong Gok states firmly that he will choose his own path, and that makes me tell myself I must be just as resolute.
“I promise. I will not let go of Nong Gok's hand. And I want Nong Gok to promise you will not waver, even if Ai' Guide smashes this shop to pieces. Do not worry about my external possessions. I can find those things anew. The most important thing for me is only Nong Gok. I want you to remember my words...” I lean forward so our eyes are at the same level.
“I am willing to abandon everything, but not you, Gok.”
Nong looks into my eyes, and his round eyes begin to glisten. The tip of his nose turns red, before he quickly nods, hiding his tears, not wanting me to see that he is also being vulnerable.
“Gok will remember it by heart.”
This moment makes me feel it is worth it. Right now, I... am the man who is the happiest in the world.
***
“Should Gok drop out and come help Phîi Pong?”
“You cannot. Nong Gok has the duty to study, you know that, right?”
“But Gok ran away from home.”
“I can send Nong Gok to school. Whether you finish a bachelor's, master's, doctorate, or study anywhere on this planet, if Nong Gok wants it, I will send Nong Gok to study. And I will follow to watch over you in every country, too.”
Today passes by as fast as a lie. Nong Gok helps me tidy the shop, helps me clean the room, and then we make dinner and eat together. After that, we sit leaning against each other on the sofa, ignoring the television that receives no attention. Then Nong Gok is the one who brings up a topic that makes me shake my head slowly.
I will not destroy Nong's future like that. Whatever Nong wants to study, whatever he likes to do, I will support him fully.
“Whoa, no to a master's or doctorate. Gok absolutely hates studying.” His eyes are wide as he shakes his head vigorously. He then leans against my chest again, pulling my hand to play with.
“The subject of Trigonometry is interesting, but Gok does not want to bother Phîi Pong or the tuition for a full four years, you know.”
“I can support you for your entire life.”
Thud
Nong Gok is smiling. His cheeks are turning red. Then he turns to look me in the eyes.
“Saying that, we should just get married.”
“I am not proposing yet.”
“Huh?” His smile vanishes, so I have to quickly continue.
“How could I propose? There is no luxurious dinner, no huge bouquet of flowers, no large diamond ring, plus I do not yet have the biggest cake I can make for you. I am not proposing yet... Give me time to prepare all of that first. I will make Nong Gok take the same surname as me.”
Nong Gok smiles again, but it is a tearful smile. He then leans in to bury himself in my chest.
He nods forcefully. “Mmm, Gok will wait. And... I want a chocolate cake, too.”
I laugh out loud. I cannot resist teasing him. “Hey, should I put sleeping pills in it?”
[[Translators note: You aren't funny Pong.]]
“Just having Phîi Pong wake me is enough.”
I smile widely, my heart beating fast and strong from this youth's adorableness. I think it is not only Nong who is addicted to sweets. I... am also addicted to Nong Gok.
“But we cannot get married in Thailand, Phîi Pong.”
“Then we will fly to get married elsewhere. Seeing how things are, I have a European visa... Should we get married in France?” An image starts forming in my head.
A dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant.... the sound of a sweet, soft piano..... candlelight for atmosphere.... a bouquet of flowers as large as I can carry, and... a chocolate cake with a diamond ring hidden inside.
I must start planning.
“And then a honeymoon around Europe, right, Phîi Pong?”
“Your wish is my command.” Nong Gok's eyes are wide. He must be excited, but it is about...
“Then Gok will get to do it with you in every country in Europe!!!”
His excitement makes me burst out laughing, but I will not contradict him. When I picture it, it is quite interesting. We can leave our mark in every place as a memorial that we have been there together.
“I will make you pass out in every country.”
“Good, good! But I suspect we will not get to do any sightseeing, right?” Nong Gok laughs with a clear voice, hugs my waist tightly, and then exclaims.
“Ha, Gok is so happy.”
I feel the same way, until...
Crash!!!
“What was that sound, Phîi Pong!” Nong Gok gets up from my lap, while I also quickly stand up.
I leap towards the clear glass window with curtains and look down below to find...
“You shit-lizard Pong! Give me back my Nong right now!!!”
In front of the shop, four or five men are holding wooden clubs, and the one shouting is… Ai' Guide.
“That despicable-person Phîi!” Nong Gok is also furious enough to curse. He acts like he will run downstairs, but I grab his arm firmly.
“Nong Gok, I will go down alone. You stay up here and are forbidden to go down.”
"But..."
“I am begging you. I do not want you to get hurt. I will go down alone.” I turn to hold both of Nong Gok's arms. Then I grab my mobile phone, open my grandmother's number, and shove it into his hand. I say in a strong voice.
“If the situation looks bad, Nong Gok, call this number. Say I am in trouble. But for now, if it is not me coming back up, lock the door and absolutely do not go out.” I command Nong in a firm voice, the kind that makes him shake his head, until I have to say one more word.
“I beg you. I do not want to see you get hurt.”
Finally, he nods forcefully, gripping my phone firmly, until I lean in to quickly press a kiss to his lips before rushing downstairs. It seems Ai' Guide also wants to settle this today. He specifically brought his gang to smash my shop.
Crash!!!
“Smash it all! Break it until nothing is left! Make this shit-lizard shop disappear from the world!”
“Stop, Ai' Guide!!!”
By the time I get down, they have already smashed my front shop window and are about to head straight to destroy my cake display case, so I have to shout to stop them. I look directly at the man in the middle whom I once thought was my friend, but now, he is looking at me like I am an adversary.
“You finally came out! Give me back my Nong!”
“Nong Gok is not here.”
“Then where would he be!!! He packed his clothes and left to this extent; he must be staying with you!” Ai' Guide shouts furiously, so I try to speak in the coldest tone possible.
“Gok and I love each other.”
“Shut up! I will not allow my Nong to be with a man!”
I am so angry my blood rushes to my face.
“Then what will you do? Will you grab Nong Gok and put him back in a basket to be washed? Are you misunderstanding something? Nong Gok is a man, not a woman. You yourself cannot take care of him for his entire life anyway. Why not let me be the one to take care of him for you...”
Furious. “Gok must not be with a man!!!” He does not listen to me at all. He even shouts loudly.
“Gok!! Where are you? If you do not come down, I will smash this shop to pieces!”
He has no intention of negotiating. He is shouting up to the shop's second floor.
“Ai' Guide!!! Nong has his own thoughts! You cannot force anyone's life!!!”
“Do not interfere! Hey, you guys, go ahead! Hit wherever you want! I will increase your pay!” Ai' Guide pays no attention to me. He never intended to negotiate anyway. He turns to the back, nodding to the men he hired, until they charge straight towards the tables and chairs I just tidied this afternoon.
Crash!
“Stop it, damn it!” He throws a chair out the window, smashing against the shop's glass, so I shout to stop him loudly. This time, no composure remains.
Whack
“Stop, you shit-lizard gang!!!”
“Ouch, you damned-animal!”
I charge straight at the nearest person, landing a full-force punch to his face. Using the moment he is stunned, I snatch the metal pipe from his hand and swing it hard against his forearm.
“Aaaaghhhh!” A loud cry rings out, but it makes everyone focus their gaze on me.
“Why are you standing there stupidly? Deal with him!!!” I tighten my grip on the metal pipe in my hand, knowing I have no way to fight all of them. Moreover, I am a pastry chef, not a thug who likes to fight. I regret not having called the police earlier, even though I saw the situation would escalate.
“Do not come near me, you gang!” I point the pipe in front of me, but...
“I will give you guys another twenty thousand. Stomp him.”
“Now you're talking!”
The moment Ai' Guide finishes speaking, the person near me charges, so I swing at him, but that is a wrong decision....
Whack
As I turn to focus on one person, another rushes at me from behind, grabbing the metal pipe in my hand. Even though he is much smaller than me, his physical strength makes my eyes widen.
Crash!
“Why are you standing there stupidly? Hit him!” I elbow him full in the face, but he still does not let go of the pipe, which has become a device pinning me down. But I am quick enough to kick those charging at me, until he is stunned and falls back against a table.
Thwack!
“You are quite fierce.”
“Ugh!” I may be a man with considerable strength, but not against this many people. In a short time, when it seems I can hold my own, I leave an opening for one of them to swing a wooden club... right into my midsection.
Thud
The metal pipe in my hand falls and clatters to the floor. As for me, I collapse, holding my stomach against the pain gnawing through my entire body.
It hurts so much I almost lose consciousness for a moment.
Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!!!
235
“Lost your power yet, you damned-animal!!!”
Meanwhile, the pain from their shoe tips kicks into me nonstop, until both my hands have to raise to cover my face. I hear the voices of those stomping me curse, but the only voice that penetrates through the pain is...
“Gok! If you do not come down, I will kill Pong!”
Do not come down, Nong Gok. Do not.
I can only whisper in my heart, hoping desperately that he will not follow me down and that he will do as I said. If he calls, I might only have to endure another fifteen minutes, which I can manage. But Ai' Guide knows his Nong well.
“If you do not come down, I will slash this shit-lizard's arm so he can never use his hands to make pastries again!!!”
I do not know if he will really do it, but in that moment, I only hope... do not come down. Do not come down. I told you I can lose everything. Therefore, do not come down.
Thwack!
“Aaaaghhhhhhh!”
“You want me to come down, right, you despicable-person Phîi? Here I am! I will not let you hurt my Phîi Pong!!!”
"Do not..."
I whisper with almost no strength. When my blurry eyes open, I see Nong Gok has appeared from somewhere. He is using a rolling pin to swing at the person standing farthest from me, while shouting curses at his Phîi. But the moment he sees me.....
“Phîi Pong!!! Phîi Pong!!!” Nong Gok drops everything and rushes towards me, but...
Grab
“Took you long enough to come down, you little troublemaker! Let's go home!”
“I am not going! You despicable-person Phîi! No matter what, I am not going back! Let me go! Phîi Pong!! Phîi Pong!” However, before Nong can reach me, Ai' Guide rushes to grab Nong Gok, who struggles for his life, shouting so loudly I grit my teeth.
Get up, Pong. Get up. You swore you would take care of him, did you not!
“You despicable-person Phîi, let me go! I am not your Nong! I do not have a despicable-person like you as a Phîi!”
“Gok! How dare you hit your Phîi, you nuisance! I am doing this for your own good! You cannot be with a man!!!” I hear the two brothers arguing as I reach out to grab the metal pipe, because all of them are focused on those two. I count one to three in my heart, planning to get up and then charge in to reclaim Nong.
“Who I am with is none of your business!!!”
“Gok!”
1
2
“Go die! Do not interfere with me!!”
“I am your Phîi!”
3
“That is enough from both of you!!!”
I am gritting my teeth to get up, preparing to charge towards Nong Gok, but... the booming voice of someone else cuts through the chaos, making me pause. I can only turn to look at the shop front, where a car has parked, its headlights shining inside, and at the person getting out of the car.
“Phô! Mâe!!!”
I recognize Nong Gok's parents. They are stepping inside, looking at the chaos that has occurred with disbelief. Then Nong Gok's Mâe takes long strides straight towards the two brothers. Then...
Slap!!! “Since when did I teach you to be a person like this, Ai' Guide!!!”
I am stunned too, because the person Nong Gok's Mâe slaps is... Ai' Guide.
The woman pulls Nong's body to hug him tightly, using her eyes to scold her eldest son, who stands still, equally at a loss for what to do.
“I never taught you to use force like this!”
“But Mâe, Gok...”
"That is enough, Ai' Guide. You have a lot of your Phô's temper, but this is too much, coming to smash someone else's shop and even hurting your Nong like this.” It is Nong Gok's Phô who speaks in a firm voice, stepping forward to stand in front of his eldest son.
“Gok has a Phûa who is a man, Phô. Can you accept that our family has queer people like this?”
“You are the one who needs to accept the truth! You are doing this just because you do not want to feel guilty about the past!!!”
Thud
He is stunned. I am stunned. All of us look at the adult who should not know about what happened.
“Do you think I am deaf? Seven years ago, when this young man came to apologize profusely, I was there too! Why do you think I was not suspicious about why you wanted to send Gok to his grandmother's house for the entire break? And yesterday, you fired a gun into the air, loud enough for three houses and eight homes to hear, arguing in front of the house! Do you think I would not hear it!” The most senior person here turns to look at my face before uttering words I cannot speak.
“I apologize on behalf of this ignorant youth.”
"Phô!!!"
His son. I cannot speak. I look at Nong Gok's Phô, who bows his head to me, before turning to smack his son's head.
“What the hell are you shouting for?! Tell him! That what you are doing every day is not because you are worried about your Nong, but because you feel guilty for accidentally swapping the cake, forcing this young man to step in and help! Tell him! That you have thought it was your own fault for many years that Gok is effeminate and cute, and moreover acts interested in men! Tell him! That who you are really worried about is people condemning you, saying it is your fault for making Gok gay!!!”
I am even more speechless. I can only look at the adult who seemed to know nothing but actually knows every detail of the story, until the person who is pressing his eldest son's head to bow to me speaks up.
“I apologize on behalf of Ai' Guide for everything that made this matter escalate to this extent.”
Ai' Guide does not argue. I also just learned that all these years, he opposed me because he felt guilty towards his Nong and because his carelessness that day made me come to like his Nong, and his Nong... became fixated on me.
"But he..... has to be with a woman.” Ai' Guide grits his teeth tightly, until his Mâe speaks.
“Then what do you want to do, Guide? I have endured watching for years as you and your Phô kept forcing ideas into his ears. He did not like to drink alcohol, but you forced him to learn. He did not like cigarettes, but you taught him to smoke. He did not like fighting, but you urged him to join a gang of delinquents. You, and your Phô, have tried for years to make him a proper man. And what happened? Will you deny the reality that Gok is a lovely young man who likes to eat sweet things... Will you deny your own Nong's true self, Ai' Guide!?”
Nong once told me the person who kept buying him sweets was his Mâe, but I only learn the real reason today.
“Mâe.” Nong Gok also calls out, utterly shocked.
“You do not need to say anything, Gok. I accepted it a long time ago. Otherwise, I would not have bought cakes to feed you by the mouthful. Your Phô may have resisted, but he had enough when you called, crying and sobbing, desperate for us to come help. Therefore, enough! I order you right here to surrender. Even if you tried to the death, and even if Gok could quit now, he would still never be with a woman anyway!” Nong Gok's Mâe concludes everything, while....
“How much did my son pay you? Come collect the money from me later. But right now, I am hiring you to gather the tables and chairs you threw around and return them to him, before the police arrive and this becomes a bigger mess.” Nong Gok's Phô turns to tell the gang who stomped me, until they look at each other.
“Do as... my Phô says.”
As for Ai' Guide, he grits his teeth and speaks firmly.
The command that makes them stop, and makes me....
Slump
“Phîi Pong!!!”
I collapse to sit on the floor, raising my hand to press against my side. It hurts so much I do not know if my ribs are broken.
Until Nong Gok breaks away from his Mâe and rushes to me. Both his hands support my back, and...
He cries.
“Gok is sorry, Phîi Pong. Gok is sorry for making you hurt this much. Gok is sorry... Waaahhhhh.”
Smack
“Oof.” The pain is stifling as he throws himself to hug me, but I grit my teeth and raise a hand to stroke the soft hair of the person crying streams of tears onto my shirt.
“I am okay. Nong Gok, it is okay.”
“N-no.... not okay... not okay, Phîi Pong. Sob... Phîi Pong...”
Nong Gok calls my name over and over, until I also tighten my embrace around his small frame. Then I look up at the two adults with concerned expressions.
“Today, Gok probably will not agree to go home. Please look after him for me... Gok, when you calm down, come home. Come pick up Moo, too. Both the person and the dog disappeared, until your Mâe was about to die of a heart attack.” Nong Gok's Phô heaves a heavy sigh. He walks over to pat the head of the Nong who is pressing his face hard against my chest.
“You are an adult now, Gok. Even though you thought about running away from home, next time try talking with your parents before doing something like this... Anyway, once your wounds heal, come apologize to him properly. Do not do this to each other again. You are not youths anymore.” The last sentence, Nong's Phô says to me, until I have to try to give him a smile.
“I am sorry for making such a big scene.”
“No. If you want to atone... just love him as much as his Mâe and I love him.”
Words I also speak from the heart.
“I will love and take care of him with all my remaining life.”
At the moment I bend down to press a soft kiss to his temple, I look down at the person hugging me and crying fussily with a smile filled with love.
“I have loved you until today, and including the future ahead as well.”
The words Nong Gok's parents reply with are simply...
“We will be watching.”
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