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Perspective Pongprot
I do not take long before I return to lie down on the bed in the house. I stare blankly at the ceiling. Memories from the past still return to my thoughts. I remember the events of that day, the day that changed my life, very well. I remember every sentence, every spoken word, from when I showed my face to that Âi Guide again, to ask for responsibility for his Nong.
Huh. Responsibility. "Do not make me laugh. My Nong is just very young. I do not want any responsibility from you. You should get the hell out of here before I get my Phô's gun and point it at your head.'
Even though I said I felt guilt and remorse for his Nong, that I wanted to take responsibility, that I wanted to stay by his side when he grew up, that Âi Guide refused everything. He cursed me with every swear word he could think of. He acted as if I were just an earthworm he wanted to crush.
He hated me, he loathed me, and he detested me for what had happened. I accepted the blame, because I... I truly did it.
"My Nong does not want to see a shit-lizard like you!"
These words hurt me unbelievably. No matter what, he refused to let me see his Nong. He said that if I truly cared for Nong Gok, I had to act as if that incident never happened. His Nong was just asleep and dreaming. It was just a strange bout of sleepwalking. His Nong must grow up to be a man who dates women.
I could not accept what he said, because I... I was the one who wiped the tears from that little one's face.
Truly.
I tried for a full month, but no matter what, I never saw Nong Gok again, not even once. And finally, that Âi Guide issued an ultimatum, forbidding me from showing my face to him or anyone in his family ever again. If I cared about Nong Gok's future, I had to let his Nong grow up without knowing what had happened.
At that time, I was shattered. I was more shattered and shaken than I had ever been before. I felt as if my heart were shattering. Âi Guide said I would destroy his Nong's future. It was better if I... had to leave.
In the end, I accepted what he said. I also could not bear being treated like a dog begging for scraps. I decided to go study for a specialized degree in France. I would start over. I would forget everything that made my heart feel unlike its original self.
I studied hard. I worked like a madman. And... I dated many different people.
I once contacted old friends, but they all said the same thing: that Âi Guide had announced he had cut all ties with me.
As the years passed, I achieved success in my work, but I... I felt as if I were slowly dying. Finally, I decided to return to Thailand after many years away. Everything here had changed so much I could barely recognize it. But one thing had not changed... my school.
I was just driving past, just on my way to my grandmother's house, and then I..... my heart beat strongly again.
I thought I saw Nong Gok.
Only to find it..... empty. It was just a fleeting moment, but I ran down from the car, running toward my heart.
At that time, everyone thought I was crazy, but I..... I abandoned everything I had in my hands.
I refused a job at a leading hotel in England. I refused an offer from a culinary institute in Italy. I abandoned a future that was advancing as a pâtissier, then traveled back to Thailand to beg and plead with my grandmother to sell me the plot next to the school. Then I told my grandmother everything.
The future that everyone said would not make Pong happy. Pong's happiness is pursuing his own heart.
I am crazy. I am insane. I know it myself. And what did I plan to do, you ask?
I will tell you straight, I did not know. I just wanted to see his Nong's face, to know how his Nong was doing. And that day arrived. The cute-faced, small-built young man who came to gaze at the cake displays in my shop.
The second I saw him, I knew... I could not let his Nong slip through my fingers. Alongside the guilt, the remorse, and the need to take responsibility was something more.
I want to hold his Nong tightly. I want to ask if he remembers this Phîi. But I cannot do it. I promised Âi Guide I would not dredge up old matters. I would let everything disappear with the passage of time. And I decided to... start anew.
This time, there are no sweets mixed with aphrodisiacs. There will be only love, sincerity, and care that I am ready to give only to his Nong.
Âi Guide says I am cunning, that I already know what his Nong is like. The more I learned that his Nong had peculiar reactions to sweets, the more I laid every possible trap, every pitfall, hoping his Nong would fall down to me.
I know it is not good. I know I am wrong. But I am not deceiving him. I do everything with sincerity. I am truly gentle with this Nong. I truly love this Nong. I truly cherish his Nong. And I... I am patient until this Nong becomes an adult.
Yes, I pulled my other friend, Khai into this because I was impatient and wanted Nong to realize his own feelings quickly. I approach, but I also step back to let Nong run after me. All of it is because I want Nong to desire me, just as I want Nong. I risked everything I had, so I tried every method to get the most precious thing into my embrace.
I know I am wrong toward Âi Guide, but I kept my promise. I waited... waited until his Nong turned not just eighteen but nineteen.
From now on, no one can say that I am messing with a youth. His Nong Gok is grown now, and grown enough to choose for himself.
What if Nong does not love me? What will I do... I will let his Nong's hand go so he can meet someone else.
I am not that good. I am not an angel. I just... love this Nong too much.
I want to see this Nong happy. I want to see his smile, not his tears.
I knew this day would come, the day Âi Guide found out, but I did not think it would be this fast. This time, I will not run away anywhere. I will not surrender. As long as Nong Gok says he trusts me, loves me, and still cares for me, I will fight... I will fight to the very end, even if I am cursed or the police are called to drag me out of that house.
"I love Nong Gok." This has been the truth for some time.
For me, it is not an infatuation. It is not lust. It is... love.
"I will not surrender." I reiterate. I.... will not let go of the thing I dream of.
"Excuse me, I need to step out for a moment. Can you two manage the shop?"
I look down at my watch, which says it is past noon, as I walk out from the back kitchen and ask Pam and my close friend, who came to help. The two of them nod. Pam might not know anything, but my strange expression worries this employee of mine. As for Khai, he looks at me encouragingly, even if his face is deadpan like people say.
"Good luck."
He already knows I have met Nong Gok's Phîi, and he knows where I am going.
I just smile at him, walk to my car, and drive straight to the place I have visited countless times..... Nong Gok's house.
I think he already knows I am coming, because that Âi Guide steps out immediately upon seeing my car, along with.... a gun in his hand.
"Get the hell out of here," he tells me in a strong voice, but I am not afraid. I step forward and stop right in front of him, and I say...
"I love Nong Gok."
"Take your love and throw it far away! I do not want a person like you messing with my Nong!!!"
I stare into his eyes calmly, still trying to keep my cool, even though inside I am burning with fire.
"How is a person like me worse than someone who drugs his own romantic partner like you?"
"Âi shit-lizard Pong!!!" I know I make him angry, but he was also partly at fault that day. Yet for all these years, he has blamed me for all of it, until I too have to say the things I have been suppressing.
"Yes, I am a shit-lizard. I messed with Nong Gok when he was very young. But I also asked to take responsibility for everything. I told you every time that I wanted to take care of him. And I even agreed to get the hell out of your sight. But now it is different. It is not just me who loves Nong Gok, but Nong Gok also loves me…"
Bang!
I remain still, even though Âi Guide fires his gun into the air. I still maintain eye contact with him and will not go anywhere, even when he points the gun at my chest.
"I do not listen to shit-lizard talk from your mouth. Âi Gok must have a Mia who is a woman, not you!"
I know he worries about his Nong, but in this matter, he has no right to decide for him. That was true back then, but it is not true for Nong Gok, who is now a grown adult.
"What do I have to do for you to accept me?"
Âi Guide laughs, but it is a mocking, scornful laugh, and he says...
"Never!!! Even if you kneel before me, I will never accept you!"
I force my words out, asking, "I am willing to abandon everything in my life, even my own future. I beg you... is it enough yet?" Has he hurt me enough? Punished me enough? Condemned me for the wrong I did to his Nong enough? I ask, hoping he will take pity, hoping he will see that I have given up everything.
"I abandoned my future in London to come here. I abandoned my reputation, abandoned my money, abandoned everything I had to return for your Nong. I beg you, let me love Nong Gok. Let me and your Nong love each other. I promise I will spend my whole life taking the best care of your Nong, making him the happiest…"
Whoosh
I am even willing to throw myself down to kneel before a peer to beg him. "Please, let me love your Nong."
I bow my head until it touches the ground, begging with everything I have.
I have abandoned everything already. Not just my career, not just my dreams, I am even willing to let my dignity be trampled. I only ask that he allows me to take care of Nong Gok.
Click
Âi Guide opens the gate and stands in front of me, and then...
Thud!!!
He kicks me until I fall over. As I look up at him.
'You can abandon whatever you want, but I will not let Âi Gok date you!'
I... run out of patience.
Smack
"Seven years... Do you hear that? Seven years! I have endured and waited for seven years, and still I do not satisfy you? What did I do wrong? What is my crime in loving your Nong, huh, Âi Guide? You tell me what I did wrong!!!" I grab his shirt collar, pulling him toward me, ignoring the gun still pointed beside my head, and I shout in his face.
Tears well up in my eyes, a grown man's tears.
Is it wrong for me to love his Nong?
"Wrong," he says, before smiling mockingly.
"Wrong for coming to love my Nong. My Nong must have a future that is not you!"
I glare at him sharply, and he smiles again.
"And you had better return to your shop, before the last thing you have left is gone."
'!!!" My eyes widen. I look at Âi Guide as he shoves my chest with full force, making me step back several paces. I watch him grab his phone, make a call, and smile coldly.
"Fine, I will transfer the money to you now." Then he tells me only this...
"This is a warning."
My eyes widen, and I immediately turn around and get into my car. I am not worried about the shop, I am not worried about my reputation, but I am worried that my close friend and my employee will get caught in the crossfire!
"Khai! Pam!!!"
I burst through the crowd gathered in front of the shop to get inside, and I find Pam standing with her lips trembling, flustered, next to my close friend whose mouth is bleeding, while the entire shop is a mess with cakes smashed against the walls and parts of the partitions. I can only leap toward those two.
'What happened here!" I support Âi Khai, who is wiping blood from the corner of his mouth, moving his jaw slowly to see if it is broken. Pam then tells me what happened.
"After... after you, Phîi Pong, went out, three men came in to buy cakes. They bought everything we had. Pam... Pam was surprised, but she prepared their order as requested. But as soon as they received it, they threw them all over the shop. It made all the customers panic and run out. Phîi Khai... Phîi Khai went to stop them, but they just ganged up and kicked him until he ended up like this."
I clench my fists tightly, so angry I am almost crazy. And then...
"And... and then they said this is a warning."
"Damn it!!!" I made a mistake. I should have known how much Âi Guide hates me from what happened years ago. He would never just stand by. But I also did not think he would be so despicable as to hurt uninvolved people.
Smack
"I am fine... I just could not dodge in time." My close friend grabs my arm, making me turn to look at him. He nods in confirmation, while slowly using the wall to support himself as he stands up.
"Phîi Pong, should we file a report? Should Pam call the police?" Suddenly, Pam asks in a trembling voice, making me pause for a moment before I shake my head.
Âi Guide already knows I will not file a report. He knows I will not press charges against him, as long as he still holds the title of Nong Gok's Phîi.
"No need... Pam, please take Âi Khai to the hospital instead. We will probably have to close the shop for today." I say this in a tone that makes my close friend look like he is about to object, but I speak in a firmer voice.
"And please, could you take him home as well? You can go home for today. I will call to let you know if the shop will be open tomorrow or not."
"Huh! But the customers..." Pam exclaims in surprise, knowing the shop is currently thriving, but I will not risk other people until I know it is safe. Even though I do not want to ask anyone for help, I might have to go ask my grandmother.
My grandmother is not just the owner of all the land in this area, but she is also someone everyone respects.
"Come on, think of it as a vacation. We have been working almost non-stop for nearly a year now." I give her a smile, while supporting my friend to stand up straight, and then I walk him out to the car. I hand the car keys to my employee, and I confirm again.
"Do not worry. They cannot do anything to me."
It is just a threat. I may not know Âi Guide well, but he is not despicable enough to hire someone to kill me.
'If anything happens, call me, Phîi Pong. Pam knows many police officers. Pam will quickly have them come help." I smile in acknowledgment, before stepping back and watching my own car drive off in the other direction. I mutter to myself...
"If you think this will make me change my mind, you are mistaken."
"Phîi Pong!!! Phîi Pong, what happened here!"
Even though I did not want Nong Gok to know about this, it was probably impossible, since the shop is right in front of the school. Therefore, I am not surprised at all when Nong Gok uses his key to enter through the back of the shop, then rushes toward me, who is cleaning up the smeared cakes, with an extremely shocked expression.
"It is nothing."
"Nothing, my foot! It was Phîi Guide! It was him, right? That damned Phîi of Gok, right!"
He rushes over and grabs my hands, forcing me to throw the cloth into the basin and look up to meet his eyes. Then I give a wide smile to put him at ease... I do not want him to worry along with me.
"It is really nothing. Just some customers with bad attitudes."
"Gok does not believe it!"
He retorts loudly, shaking his head vigorously, and shakes my hands.
'Phîi Pong, Gok knows Phîi Guide well. He knows what kind of person his own Phîi is. That Âi Phîi Guide is the type who wants others to follow his orders. He forbids Gok from eating snacks. He teaches Gok to drink alcohol. He fills Gok's ears every day saying he must be manly. That Âi Phîi Guide is that kind of person. And since he does not accept what is happening, he will do everything until we break up!" I know well what he is saying, but I still smile, using my clean hand to pull Nong Gok into a hug.
"But we will not break up, right?"
"We will not break up!!! Gok will never agree to break up with you!" He answers me with determination. That alone is enough to make me smile and fills me with encouragement.
"Phîi Pong came back for Gok after seven years. If only Gok had realized sooner…"
"You know?!" I let go of his hands, asking back in shock. He nods vigorously.
"Last night.... last night, after you, Phîi Pong, went back, Gok asked Phîi Guide. Gok wanted to know what happened. Phîi Guide said that you, Phîi Pong, were so despicable that you almost raped Gok, but Phîi Guide found you first, and then you ran away. But Gok does not believe it. Phîi Pong is not that kind of person. The person Gok knows now is not like that. And Gok does not remember it either. When Gok said he did not believe it, Phîi Guide slipped up... Phîi Guide said that when Gok had his first sexual arousal, you, Phîi Pong, were the one who was there, not Phîi Guide."
He tells me everything, and he adds, "That day, Phîi Guide told Gok that Gok was just having normal arousal for a youth about to grow up. He even forbade Gok from eating all kinds of snacks, filling Gok's ears saying it was because of the cake that made Gok aroused. And he also told Gok, who could not remember anything, that Phîi Guide was the one who helped him, to keep this matter a secret, saying it was an embarrassing thing. So Gok always believed that whenever he ate delicious snacks, he would get aroused. But that is not true, is it?"
I can only stay silent, because I had already guessed when he described his symptoms to me. What made Nong Gok aroused again was the taste imprinted in his memory.
That time, Nong Gok was aroused because of the drug, but the times he became aroused in the shop were because of the taste his body remembered, causing a physical reaction... I have made him live a life with a secret all along.
"No, that is not it. That cake contained an aphrodisiac drug.... Âi Guide asked me to make it, but he took the wrong piece to give to his romantic partner." At this point, I myself have nothing left to hide.
And that makes Nong Gok clench his fists tightly. "That despicable-person Phîi!!! He has been lying to Gok for years!"
Smack
"But what Âi Guide did was because he worries about you, Nong Gok." He makes a move as if to rush out, but I grab his arm first, giving him a smile that makes him calm down.
Nong Gok presses his lips together, before... throwing himself into a tight hug with me.
'You came back for Gok after seven years.... a full seven years?'
"Pathetic, right? I lied and said we had just met, even though I built this shop to plan to capture you, Nong Gok." I speak in a self-deprecating tone, but the person in my embrace tightens his arms around my neck, shaking his head vigorously against my chest, making the cutest muffled sound.
"No... not at all. Phîi Pong is not pathetic. Phîi Pong is the most amazing man there is! I am sorry. I am sorry Gok could not remember anything. I am sorry for making you suffer for many years. From now on, Gok will not agree to go anywhere. Gok will not let anyone judge us. Gok will not surrender to that damned Phîi who does not care about his Nong's happiness like this!"
The warm body is in my embrace. His faint, pleasant scent touches the tip of my nose, until I smile in relief. "Thank you."
I hold his small waist tightly. I do not want to let him go anywhere. But...
"You should go home for today. It is very late." I have no car to take him home, so I want him to return before it gets dark. Nong Gok pulls back to look at my face, asking with concern.
"And will those guys come back?"
"No. I will contact people from my house to help. I assure you, no one can do anything to me." I do not tell him that I plan to wait and see first. I do not want to cause a commotion at home, because if my family finds out, they will not remain idle. They would probably file a lawsuit to the fullest extent, but that would mean Âi Guide and I would be locked in an even more intractable fight.
Nong Gok nods his head forcefully.
"Then Gok will go back and talk some sense into Phîi Guide." I do not want to disappoint him, but Âi Guide will not listen to anything anymore. I myself do not know what to do. If I fight with sincerity, I do not know how long it will take for him to accept it. But this time, whether it takes one month, two months, a year... I will not disappear again.
I tell myself this, just like when I decided to return to Thailand.
But what happens that night makes me even more stunned.
***
"Nong Gok, how did you get here!"
The little one who went home in the evening returns again in the middle of the night, carrying a large bag of clothes, the tip of his nose red as if he has been crying heavily. And as soon as he sees me, he throws everything down and rushes into my embrace, until I have to hold him tightly.
"What is going on?"
"That Âi Phîi Guide, that damned Phîi, he.... he told Gok to break up with you. He said if we do not break up..... he will hire people to wreck... this shop. He ordered Gok not to see you. Gok did not agree.... Gok will not agree! So Gok ran... ran away from home. Gok is not going back anymore. Gok will not go see that house again... and Gok already left the key with that Âi Graph's house. Gok can go stay with Gok's own friend... Gok does not have to go back home anymore." He tells me haltingly, holding me so tightly that my eyes widen.
I want to take his Nong and run away forever, but if I do that, everything I abandoned to come here would be for nothing. I cannot let his Nong ruin his future like that, until I have to push his shoulders back slightly to create some distance.
"Wait, I will take you back. Running out so late at night like this, the people at home will worry."
Smack
"Phîi Pong... Phîi Pong does not love Gok anymore?"
Suddenly, he grabs my arm, asking with a sob in his voice, making me...
Smack
"Of course I love you. I love you the most. I love you more than anything."
I cannot lie to myself. Just him asking if I do not love him makes my heart almost shatter. I can only hold his small body tightly against my chest, and tell myself.... I will definitely not return his Nong to that Âi Guide!
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