Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Gok
“Does Nong Gok hurt anywhere?”
“Waa, I do not hurt. But even if I did, Gok deserved it.” I reply.
After the punishment ends, I can only lie curled up, soft and pliant, in Phîi Pong's embrace, letting him bring me upstairs to wash my body clean of the stains from the murky, thick cream until it is spotless. Then I come to sit in Phîi Pong's lap, nestling close on the large sofa. I lean my head, resting against his chest, exactly like a doll that he can move and adjust however he wishes.
I know my own fault well, and I do not think that it is because of Phîi Pong. But…
“I am sorry.”
Some kind-hearted men still blame themselves. When he takes my hand to look at the remaining marks from being tied.
“Phîi Pong does not need to apologize. This is Gok's fault. Gok was wrong for being selfish, for letting Phîi always protect me.” I have no mood to joke. I accept that everything stemmed from my own arrogance. And that makes Phîi Pong pull my hand to his mouth and press a firm kiss onto it.
“No, I am willing to do things for Nong Gok. And this time, I was wrong too. I should not have been so petty and jealous.
I know full well that Nong Gok is too much of a youth to have to face the issue of dating a man. Nong should have a life enjoying time with friends. But I was so jealous I wrecked everything.” His voice, filled with disappointment in himself, sounds until I have to tilt my face up to look. I bring both hands up to hold his cheeks and shake my head vigorously.
“It is good that Phîi Pong was jealous. Gok himself will also learn to raise his head up from his shell.”
I only admit my own cowardice now; I, who only kept creating an image to protect myself. But Phîi Pong taught me that I should stand tall and accept who I am.
This time, I created an image. I ended up with bad friends like that Âi Pae who never considered my feelings. Next time, I will accept it. I will stand tall. I will say I like sweet things. I do not like drinking liquor. I do not like cigarettes. I do not like fighting with anyone. And I... am dating this man.
“Nong Gok is not shrinking his head into his shell, Khrap. At his age, very few youths would openly admit to something like this. That is why I feel guilty. I feel like I am pulling Nong Gok to walk down the wrong path..."
Slap
I use both hands to slap Phîi Pong's cheeks with full force, making him startle, before... gently stroking them.
“If Phîi Pong says again that you are the one who made Gok go the wrong way, Gok will really get angry, Ná.” His sharp, brave eyes stare at me intently before lifting a hand to cover mine.
“Gok chooses his own things. Gok was the one who approached Phîi. Every time, Gok was the one who came to find Phîi here. The entire time Gok sought Phîi out, trying to use Phîi as a tool to vent my desires, Phîi never said a single word against it. And even when Gok realized he liked Phîi Pong, Phîi did not force Gok to like you one bit."
Phîi Pong falls silent, then closes his eyes, tilting his cheek to press against my hand while covering my hand with his.
“I..... might have planned for Nong Gok to follow the path I wanted.”
“Gok does not care. Because in the end, Gok was the one who took the steps myself.”
I say with determination, and that makes me see the wide smile of the warmest man, the one who slowly opens his eyes, in which there are things that make me tremble completely: love, concern, longing, and smoldering with desire.
Phîi Pong looks at me as the person who makes him feel all of that.
“Thank you.... Nong Gok does not know how much words like this mean to me.”
“Phîi Pong also does not know how much they mean to Gok.”
I retort, grinning widely at the warm man who is tightening his embrace around me and rocking gently, as if hugging a youth. And I am willing to be a youth for Phîi Pong. I have already been willing to do more than this.
“You know, being able to hold Nong Gok like this makes me know the word.... 'worth the wait'.”
“Then later do not wait, Ná, Phîi Pong. If you want to hug, then just hug. If you want to press, then just press.”
I grin widely, feeling that being able to speak directly like this makes me feel unbelievably good. Meanwhile, the invitation makes Phîi Pong lean down until the tips of our noses touch.
“Then right now I ask to hug, Ná. Nong Gok probably cannot let me press anymore.”
Smooch.
I tilt my face up a little and our mouths touch. Then I laugh.
“You are really doing it, Ná, Phîi... want to, Lâ?”
Fip... Phîi Pong pinches my nose again!
“Do not be so teasing, Khrap. Later, if I cannot tolerate it anymore, it will be more than what I did in the kitchen. The things I think about doing with you are so many you cannot possibly imagine.”
I want it.
Common folk might be afraid of encountering cake smeared all around, but I am not. I actually like it. I want to try it quickly. If it were not for Phîi Pong grabbing me into his embrace again... Hmph, he acts as if I am a doll. But it is peculiar, is it not? Being a doll is not bad either.
“Phîi Pong, Phîi Pong, Phîi Pong.”
“What, Hmm?” As I sit nestling, feeling blissful, almost falling asleep, I remember some matter first until I must speak... since we have already revealed everything to each other, it is probably not wrong that I want to clear up every matter for real.
“About Phîi Khai.”
“Khai, why?” Phîi Pong's voice sounds surprised, until I must brace myself to ask.
“Does Phîi Khai... like Phîi Pong or not?”
Gùlp
Phîi Pong freezes... then laughs.... laughs loudly while rocking my head gently.
“No, Khrap.”
“Huh?”
So, I misunderstood from the very start, Wá!
I let out a cry. At first, I thought Phîi Khai had no hope so he was cheering me on, but it seems I misunderstood on a grand scale. And that makes Phîi Pong act thoughtful for a moment, then say with a laughter-laced voice.
“Since Nong Gok says he will be mine alone, I probably do not need to use Khai to make Nong Gok jealous anymore, Ná.”
I jerk my head up instantly.
“Use to... make jealous.” The question makes Phîi Pong smile and then nod.
“Not exactly, Khrap. I just did not explain the matter of Khai to you in its entirety. I did not lie or trick anything. I just thought that when Nong Gok had puffed cheeks, looking at Âi Khai with resentment, I thought.... it was attractive.”
It is peculiar, Wá. Why am I not angry?
When Phîi Pong says it is attractive, I consequently make a puffed-up face at him. Until he leans down and nibbles my cheek.
“Khai is the deadpan type, Khrap. He wants to express himself more than this, but he himself forgot how to express himself ever since his parents died. So he seems like the unfeeling type. Actually, he is a person who likes to observe people. But he himself is not good at expressing himself. Before, when Khai came to find me every Saturday, he often came with this matter. Like asking me if saying this would be okay with the listener, or if giving his thing to someone would make them accuse him of looking down on them.” I listen fascinatedly. I am one who hated Phîi Khai when we first met.
So, he is just the type who is not good at expressing himself?
“And what about saying he is an important friend?”
“He is important, Khrap. He was my first Thai friend when I went to work in Italy.”
So, I misunderstood everything?
I am left gaping. I look at Phîi Pong, who nods in confirmation again.
“I met Khai when he was traveling in Italy. We talked and got along well. And because Khai works freelance, can work anywhere, he likes to travel around continuously, not attached to any place. Because of that kind of face, he has no close friends, is not connected to anyone. Then we met again in England. I and he therefore consider each other the closest friends. Plus, we coincidentally decided to return to Thailand around the same time too.” Phîi Pong tells the story laughingly.
“So that means Phîi Khai is also attached to Phîi Pong.”
“Hahahaha, no. Let us say we are the type with problems, but different kinds. I myself, when I am very stressed, tell only him about it. Let us say we help each other... importantly, he already has a person he likes.” My eyes widen at this newly learned information, then I nod slowly. I do not really understand what this kind of friend is like, but it seems these two are very close indeed.
So close that I am jealous.
“Gok wants to have a friend like this too, who understands everything about me.” I lower my head because the word 'disgusting' from that Âi Pae still echoes in my head.
His manner shows that Phîi Pong knows I have my brain in overdrive, until he hugs me tightly.
“It is okay, Phîi Pong. A matter this small cannot do anything to Gok. If he cuts off our friendship, then so be it. If anyone will not be friends with Gok, then so be it. Gok has decided to choose Gok's own path!” And because of an embrace like this, it gives me encouragement. I say with a determined voice. Even though deep in my heart I am afraid, I instead know that Phîi Pong will help support me whenever I fall.
At that time, Phîi Pong only whispers to me that.... I am sorry.
Phîi Pong still feels endlessly guilty for making me walk this path. But I will prove to Phîi Pong that I am the one who has chosen the right path.
The proof I receive on the morning of the next day.
***
“I knew about yesterday from those Âi guys.”
Âi Ton is the one who called to say he wanted to meet. He is the one making a difficult face, looking at me with an expression I cannot read. I do not even dare move when I have to face this childhood friend I have known for a long time.
Between Âi Pae and Âi Ton.... I have known Âi Ton since middle school.
By fate, I am more afraid of losing this friend than anyone else. Right now I feel like I am being judged.
“Sigh.” I do not dare say anything. I do not dare move. I can only wait to hear that he does not want to see my face again. But…
“Do not make a face like that. I am not abandoning you anywhere.”
Gùlp
Âi Ton sighs at me. But then he speaks up with a heavy voice, telling me to lift my face to meet his eyes, until I find he is raising a resigned smile, shaking his head slowly.
“I am not an unreasonable person like Âi Pae. And I never judge others, to the point I often quarrel with Âi Pae. And with you, who is my friend, how can I judge whether you are wrong or right? Even if you date anyone, it is your matter. Because no matter what, you are my friend. And as I often say... as long as you guys do not do it on my head, I do not see the need to be troubled.”
I feel like I will cry, Wá. Something wells up in my eyes until I must quickly lower my head because I have never cried for them to see.
“Thanks.” I only say this word, while he sighs again.
“The one you have to worry about is Âi Pae. You know, do not you, that he... respects you a lot.” Âi Ton goes quiet for a bit as if not knowing which word to use, before uttering this word, until I take a deep breath.
“Forget it. I have already prepared my heart, Wá. Even if he insults me every day, I will endure it.” I have already expected
169 that my life from now on, surrounded by those Âi guys, will never be peaceful. He will probably insult me or sneer at me every day. But as long as I still have some friends who understand... I …no matter what, I have Phîi Pong.
I tell myself with a heavy voice, before walking into school with him, to meet… Âi Graph.
Âi handsome-faced friend who does not say a single word, besides walking over to slap my shoulder forcefully. After that, the two of them follow me behind the school, which is our usual spot. And just as expected... Âi giant-sized friend is lying down with a book covering his face.
“Âi Pae.”
“Hey, Âi gay, acting manly.” He does not even lift the book to look, but speaks with a disdainful tone.
I clench both my hands together tightly. I feel that Âi Ton and Âi Graph are still standing beside me until I must blink, chasing the tears of weakness away, then say with a strong voice.
“Yes, I am gay.”
He lifts his face to look at me then.
“Do not come near me. Later, the disease will spread.” He replies to me with words that make my face fall.
“Yes, I will not stay close enough to let my disease spread to a clean person like you.” After that, I take a deep breath to speak in one go until the end.
“I just came to tell you that I am gay. Yes, the gay that you insult. And I am dating Phîi Pong. I am sorry for lying to you all along. From now on, if you want to cut off our friendship, then feel free. If you want to insult me, then so be it. If you say anything, I will not argue. But I will not tolerate it if you say anything about my Phîi Pong again... I came to tell you only this.” I have told him everything. He can despise me, but do not come hurt the person I love again.
“You think I want to touch that Âi shit-lizard or what? Just hearing the name makes my hair stand on end!!!"
“You do not need to have your hair stand on end for long. You and I are in the same class for only three more months and then it is over.”
Âi Pae is stunned, and then I turn my back.
“Thanks, Wá.” I whisper to my two friends, before walking away from that place because I know Âi Pae well. A person like him has no way of changing his mind easily. I never hoped that after so many incidents happened, he would turn around to shake hands and say let us be friends again.
I will probably become the former friend he wants to forget the most.
I let it go. I do not care. From now on, whatever he says, I will just not give a bloody fucking.
The thought that I dare to face the outside world for the first time without any protective armor, I have only the encouragement from the man named Phîi Pong that makes me able to endure it.
Today, the friends in my class include both people who act normally and people who look at me with interest. But I think this is a very minimal reaction compared to what Âi Pae insulted, until I know that no one despises or discriminates against me.... equal to one former close friend anymore.
I and he have probably cut off our friendship now.
Perspective Ton
I am looking at a creature that is the most fucking pitiful, is that not so?
I ask myself while standing looking at the large friend who is sitting stupefied, unable to speak, can only clench both fists so tight the knuckles pop, turning to look after Âi Gok's back, and then turning his face away. His gaze looks furious, wanting to punch someone. Which I know more than that.
The most pitiful person right now should be Âi Pae himself.
I warned him many times already to not speak thoughtlessly, to not judge others, to not have a dog-mouth everywhere, to the point I have fought with him many times. All of that was because I wanted to warn him that
if he still acts like that.... he will lose the most precious thing.
“Hey, you think Âi Gok will come beg you or what?”
“Âi shit-lizard Ton!"
The manner in which I utter a word, and Âi Pae whips his gaze to look at my face, roars loudly.
As for me, I just raise my hands to cross them, shaking my head slowly.
“You insulted him to that extent. He would be a dim-wit to come back begging and pleading for you to consider your friendship.” Âi Pae likes to mistakenly think himself important. He thinks Âi Gok sees him as important, and now he is disappointed to see Âi little one walking another way.
Bird-wit.
“You want to get my foot or what!!!"
“Coincidentally, I am not afraid.” I just shrug, looking at the person Âi Gok likes to insult as.... having muscles.
An insult that simply translates to dim-wit. And yes, I also see he is a dim-wit because...
“Because even if you stomp me to death, Âi Gok does not like you.”
Gùlp
Thwack
“What the shit are you saying!?!”
I am not even flinching when he grabs my shirt collar to pull me close. His expression is fiercely furious, as if he wants to beat me to the ground. But I know more than that. More than him. More than Âi Gok.
“Cannot accept the truth or what?”
“What truth of yours!?!”
That is why he is a dim-wit, is it not? The truth that I am willing to tell, because I pity the dim-wit who is bloody fucking stubborn without end.
“The matter that you like Âi Gok.”
Pow!!!
A warm fist impacts the side of my cheek, making me stagger. But I do not fight back. I just lift a hand to touch my mouth, use my tongue to push, and get the smell of blood. Meanwhile, Âi Pae is going crazy. He makes a face like he wants to kill me. As for me, I just turn to look at him, sigh again, but still affirm the same words.
“You should stop lying to yourself already. You like Âi Gok.... and I will tell you for your own good. That you keep insulting gay this and that, it is only because you cannot accept the truth that you like men. Stop being a dim-wit for once, Âi Pae. The truth has been piled up in front of you for a long time. If you used your brain more than this, you would not have had to lose Âi Gok.”
I consider that I have helped him to the utmost.
Âi Pae likes Âi Gok... has liked him for a long time too.
Âi Gok only thinks that Âi Pae obeys the words he says because he has thoughts. And yes, Âi Gok is a person with a brain. But he never noticed because he does not think anything of Âi Pae.
As for Âi Pae, he does not even realize that he has been acting as a bodyguard protecting Âi Gok for a long time. He listens only to Âi Gok. He follows only what Âi Gok says. That is why he is so disappointed that Âi Gok is dating someone else. Plus, he is a dim-wit of the most fucking dim-wittedness who never realized why he was so angry.
In the end, it is me... why me, you ask? I am not a clever person. I do not have any wit or special abilities at all. The only thing that makes me know the vicious cycle of love that goes in circles is because... I look at Âi Pae all the time, that is how.
Really, I might be the most pitiful one, knowing everything but not being able to do anything at all.
“You do not know anything, so do not come speak!” Still, the most dim-witted person in this matter forces his voice out, until I shake my head slowly.
“Then it is up to you to think. I just want to tell you... look at the person who looks at you better.”
I say as a final sentence without expecting anything. If I were to hope, I would probably hope for Âi Pae to start accepting other people's thoughts. I am really afraid that if he graduates from this school fence, he will not survive life.
If he changes his thoughts even a little, I will consider the punch I received..... worth the pain.
Perspective Gok
“What makes you call, Wá? In a hundred days, a thousand years, you show no interest.”
[Once in a while, I am interested in my own Nong, Wôoi.]
“Did you quarrel with your Mia, so you came to be interested in Nong?”
[Do not be sassy, Âi Gok... and what time will you be back?]
“What time is it Nong's matter, Lâ? You act as if we live in the same house.”
I have finished the matter of Âi Pae. I do not want to let it clutter my heart again. Because if he wants to cut off our friendship, I will indulge him. Even though at first I felt fucking terrible, after two or three days passed, seeing him not coming to linger around me, even though there are sarcastic remarks floating for me to hear, but if I act like I do not hear them, then what? Moreover..... My encouragement is full to the brim.
Since the incident happened, Phîi Pong worries about me even more heavily. He both sends messages to ask, prepares sweet things for me, picks me up from home to school, and... drives to take me home every day.
And now who am I talking to... Phîi Guide, of course.
The Phîi I once said got married and went to live with his Mia, that one.
The Phîi who teamed up with Phô to force liquor down my throat since I was a youth.... the person who, in a hundred days, a thousand years, does not call, but bloody fucking comes precisely when I am thinking of staying overnight at Phîi Pong's house.
[Come on, return, return, for once. Mâe is so worried.]
I pout. I do not really want to comply, but Mâe probably went to complain something to that Phîi Guide, saying I do not return home much. So, today, agreeing to return is fine. I thus promise half-heartedly and then hang up the bloody fucking call.
“Will Nong Gok stay over here, Khrap?”
“No, today I must return home. Mâe is worried.” Phîi Pong appears from the front of the shop, making me shake my head. I grab my backpack because it means Phîi Pong is probably finished with work. If I were staying over, he would probably go upstairs to make dinner for me. But if not, he prepares to take off his apron to take me home.
“Okay. Then go wait at the car. I will have some cake sent to your house.”
Lately, I carry dessert into the house every day. Mâe asks if I robbed someone, so I told her I am close with the shop owner near the school. These are all sample cakes. She thus becomes quite satisfied because.... she does not have to waste time going to buy dessert for her son who is addicted to sweet things to the point of insanity.
Now I follow everything Phîi Pong says. I run to get the car keys upstairs and then go wait at the large car parked beside the shop. I get in swiftly, grinning foolishly, waiting for Phîi Pong, who locks the shop door and then moves to sit in his usual driver's seat.
“Lately, are you being bullied by friends?” Phîi Pong asks this often, which makes me laugh.
“Hoy, at Âi Gok's level, no one can bully me, Phîi.” I puff out my chest with great confidence, to put his mind at ease. But I am not lying. I am not really being bullied.
“Hearing it like that, I am reassured.”
“You can be reassured of Gok!”
I laugh while chatting about this and that with Phîi Pong continuously, until the large car drives in and parks quickly next to the house fence. I really want to ask the angels why time of happiness moves so fast. Before I even get to do anything, I have to jump down from the car to stand beside the driver's window with a wide grin.
“Phîi Pong, drive carefully, Ná. When you arrive, Line me to tell Gok.”
“Khrap. And...” Phîi Pong raises a single eyebrow in that bloody fucking handsome way.
Okay okay okay. I am infatuated with my bloody fucking Phûa. Satisfied?
The thought that I grin widely, then... lean my face in to quickly press a kiss on his mouth.
“Mmh!” However, Phîi Pong is not satisfied with just that. He reaches a hand to hold the nape of my neck, making me lean my face deeper into the window to kiss... savoring until my body almost floats.
A hot kiss that I am the most fucking willing to accept. To the extent that I open my mouth to receive the hot, piercing tongue tip that probes deep inside, and he even follows to kiss up every drop of clear fluid. Phîi Pong's kiss makes my face intensely hot, my body swaying, my legs shaking. I want more than that already, but can only...
“Good night, Khrap.” I whisper, in the way that Phîi Pong also whispers back with the same words, until I break away and then turn around...
“I did not teach you to be this kind of person, Âi Gok!!!"
“Phîi Guide!"
Holy fuck! That person who was on the phone just now is standing inside the house fence!!!!
“Phîi Guide, Ah, since when did you return, Wá, Phîi?"
Never mind, never mind. It is fine.
I still think it is a joke, but not for the Phîi who makes a scary face, taking three steps out and then taking long strides to the car window where I am standing, looking inside. After that, he says words that make me freeze with lack of understanding.
“You really are something, Âi shit-lizard Pongprot!!"
Phîi Guide roars loudly, in the way that Phîi Pong also steps down from the car to face him, and then utters a greeting that leaves me completely confused.
“Hey, Âi Guide. Long time no see."
Wait wait wait wait! Wait a minute! So these two know each other, Wá!
I can only stand gaping, looking at my Phîi alternating with my Phûa... right now, someone please explain to Âi Gok what is happening here!
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