Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Gok
They say that periods of happiness often pass quickly. I have known this for a while now.
No, stop. Don't compete with me. Because when I say happiness passes quickly, it is not that I am fighting with my most beloved and best Phûa in the three worlds. But it is because... the break is over.
What, just this? Hey, don't pretend. Believe me, when the break ends, anyone can feel bored as hell, bored as a goose, bored as a swan.
As for me, when the break ends, it does not just mean I have to go to school. Because I will not be able to haunt Phîi Pong's shop from morning till night. Most importantly... I also cannot stay out overnight like I often did anymore.
Even during the break, I did not go out wandering with friends even once, but my family thinks this promiscuous son of theirs parties regularly—staying at that Âi Pae's house sometimes, at that Âi Ton's house sometimes, going to game shops sometimes, drinking alcohol sometimes. But who would have thought? There is no, friend's house; there is only Phûa's house. There is no, bar; there is only going to be eaten by him instead.
Therefore, when the break ended, I... wilted.
“I am bored. Why does the semester start so bloody fucking fast? I want a break for like five months.”
“You do not need to want. Next semester, you will get your wish for five months. We are about to start university, damn.”
I come to school early today because... I stayed over at Phîi Pong's house.
I know I should not tell these things and make anyone think I am an easy youth, but because yesterday was the last day of my sixth-grade high school life, I wanted to make the memory worth it. Phîi Pong himself was overjoyed, arranged everything as requested... got from evening until three AM, and then passed out completely.
However, I think I am more resilient. I am stronger too. Because as soon as I entered, I woke up with Phîi Pong immediately, ate the rice he made, acted coquettishly by transforming into a baby monkey clinging to his shoulder until I got a heavy kiss that almost made me get hard again, and then came to school. See? I think I lived my sixth-grade high school break most worthily.
As for next semester, as that Âi Ton said.... we are about to enter university.
I think someone must surely wonder why I do not take tutoring classes, why I do not even try to study. Because I talked with my parents from the start that I have no ability to get into famous universities. I will just do as much as I can. But if I cannot, then I will shamelessly go to a private university, which they are okay with. Well, it is better not to expect much from me, or they will be disappointed. So I... am very chill.
“Do not talk so stressfully.”
“Hee, have you ever been stressed about it, Âi Gok?” My friend is so understanding, making me laugh in his face, even though I do not want him to know at all.
Someone like Âi Gok has stressful things too, damn.... I am afraid my Phûa will be snatched away.
When I start school, it means... Phîi Pong has to be alone with that Phîi Khai, just the two of them!!!
Oh, I am not forgetting Phîi Pam. But Phîi Pam does not count. Whether she is there or not does not help me at all. She only ever fangirls over that Phîi Khai.
“When will the final bell ring?” I ask my friend, resting my chin on my hand, which makes him slap my head.
“We have not even saluted the flag yet. Are you asking about after school and being lazy already, Âi Gok?” Âi Ton shakes his head. He is probably weary of my strange demeanor. I do not even listen to him. I take out my mobile phone, thinking about what to send to Phîi Pong to be coquettish. But...
“Why did you slap Âi Gok's head?”
“What's up, Âi Pae?” I put my phone back in my pocket almost not in time when I hear the voice of the human whose brain is muscle, and turn to greet him. He asks, wanting to know what we are talking about, until I find Âi Pae looking at the other friend.
“Oh, what is wrong with slapping him?”
“Do not slap him too much, or he will become stupid like me.”
I find it funny that these two Âi'guys are bloody fucking finding reasons to quarrel meaninglessly. Then, following my usual role as the person who stops fights in the group, I change the subject.
“You dare to style a skinhead. Are you not afraid the discipline teacher will scold you?”
“Hee, I have already been scolded. Just now, intensely and heatedly. But what can they do to me? I already shaved it.” Âi Pae throws his bag next to me before laughing triumphantly about making the discipline teacher jump. Then, he plops down heavily to sit next to me, raises his hand to hug around my neck, and asks a question that makes...
Me freeze solid.
“But you, where have you been for the past month?”
I went to guard my Phûa.
Let me die. I absolutely cannot answer. I have begged, I have earnestly pleaded with my mouth that you please keep it completely quiet if you still want a peaceful life until graduating high school. Because if this dog-mouth finds out, I am sure it will not end well.
“It is nothing.”
“Nothing, my ass. I call, you do not answer. When you do answer, you do not want to go anywhere. I thought you got together with your dog.”
I really hate this goose's mouth. Yes, I made excuses that I had to take the dog to the vet, take the dog to the spa, take the dog for walks. But is it true when you say I got together with Moo!
“I just want to spend time with my dog.”
“Then you missed out. At the beginning of the break, I went to fight with those guys from the other side. We were missing just one person. We made them run with their tails between their legs, damn...”
“Why not tell Âi Gok directly that the teacher from that side came and we barely had time to scatter?” Âi Ton intercepts, making Âi Pae glare, turning sharply to look at him with intent for interrupting his bragging, until I have to raise my hand to stop them, pushing the chests of these shit-lizard to prevent them from lunging at each other, nodding emphatically.
“Yes, yes, you are good. I know you are good already.”
I just remembered. Since I met Phîi Pong... I have not fought with anyone.
It might be a childish reason, but I... want to be a good youth in Phîi Pong's eyes.
I tell you straight, I like it when Phîi Pong pats my head, calls me a good youth. So I do not want him to be disappointed. Moreover, fighting is not my style anyway. What I did was just go along with them, just wanting to be accepted, to be respected that even though I am a little one, I am the brain of the group. But now I do not care about that much.
They say when you have a romantic partner, you abandon your friends.... Am I like this?
I shake my head heavily and say, do not hope to change the subject.
“And what about you guys? During the break, besides fighting, what did you do?”
“I went to tutoring.” Âi Ton answers honestly, which...
“Have you become a studious type?” Âi Pae's question seems ordinary, but his tone reveals a look of disdain, as if to say, "So you have finally joined those top-class kids, huh?" until I shake my head.
“Come on, what is wrong with him studying? Everyone studies; only you and I are more chill than others.”
Âi Pae seems dim-witted like this, but he already got a sports quota for Taekwondo into university.
“Hahaha, you and I are just cool, Âi Gok.” I am still lucky to have this muscle-brain obey in the group, so we do not have many issues. But...
“Hey, do you know about the cake shop in front of the school?”
Gulp
My hands are shaking, folding, almost falling due to gravity, you damned-animal Pae!
I try to keep a straight face, put on a stern expression, act like I do not know anything at all, even though now I want to know terribly what it is about. And true to Âi Pae's nature, thinking something and saying it, the most dog-mouth in the whole world, he then tells it easily, in a way.... fully immersed.
“I saw there was something on the internet and wondered if it was around here. And, damn, I should not have looked, it hurt my eyes. It is gay, damn. A real Kathoey, damn. That shop owner that everyone at school says is so handsome, he bloody fucking likes to eat male ass. He even announced that he likes to bomb the shithole. I got goosebumps all over. Good thing I never went in to buy and eat. I do not know if the hands that make the desserts are dirty from digging out people's assholes. Ugh, disgusting. Look, look! My hairs are standing up all over.”
I am quiet not because I cannot speak, but I am... suppressing my anger.
I thought I was angriest at Phîi Khai. But now I know what it is like to be so angry your head almost explodes!!!
You have no right to criticize my Phîi Pong. No right to call my Phîi Pong that. You are the one who is shit-lizard! You are the one who is evil-person! What did he do to you for you to curse him as if he stole your Mia like this!!!
I am angry, but I cannot speak. Because if I open my mouth... everything must spill out.
“That is too much, Âi Pae. Too much.” Âi Ton also speaks to restrain, but it will not work with this friend of mine.
“Why? Where did I go too far? I did not say enough. I have been wondering for a long time. Whenever the topic of those queers comes up, you get defensive, Âi Ton.”
“I am not defensive. But you are the one who speaks too much. He did not do anything to you at all.”
My friends quarrel regularly, and I always thought it was fun. They are good friends. Until the second Âi Pae says...
“Just sharing the same world with them makes me want to vomit.”
I... have run out of patience.
Grab
“Âi Pae!!! Take back your words right now!!!"
Suddenly, anger is like wind hitting my face, because I turn back and grab Âi Pae's collar with a full hand, clenching it tightly, and also shouting in his face with full force, as if everything in my heart is about to gush out at his face, until I can only tell myself to calm down, calmer than this, do not let him know. But...
“Damn!!! I have tolerated your mouth for a long time. Apologize to all the gays in the world, all the Kathoey in the world, right now!”
I do not give a bloody fucking damn anymore.
I yell in his face, not afraid of getting hit, until Âi Pae himself widens his eyes in confusion.
“And why should I do that?”
“Because you have no right to look down on him like that. What did he do to you, huh? Did he do it on your head or something? Or is your Phîi, your Nong one, that you act so despicable like this?”
“Come on, Âi Gok. What the hell is it? You agree too, don't you, that it is disgusting to death.” He still does not realize, still thinks I am joking, still laughs amusingly without caring that I am already so angry I am about to cry.
“I never thought like that.”
“Âi Gok! Âi Gok, damn!!! They do it in the ass! They stick it in the hole! How can you not be disgusted? Good things exist, but they take them to poke into a shit hole. What do their brains think with? I suspect they will take anything as long as it has a hole.” He still does not stop, still acts like it is funny, still dog-mouths everything in this world he disagrees with, until I.... clench his shirt tighter than before.
“I think you are talking too much, Âi Pae.” Âi Ton also comes to help me, while holding my hand, patting it lightly to let go of Âi Pae's collar, until I have to take a deep breath, push the anger down as deep as possible, and slowly release my hand.
You have to be calm. Think of it as listening to a crazy person talk.
“Whoa! What is wrong with you all? Did you suddenly want to become social workers who understand the whole world? I am just saying what I think.”
“But your mouth will make you regret it someday.”
Âi Ton still scolds him, while patting my shoulder lightly, as if to say "you calm down too." But...
“Hahahaha, no way. Who can do anything to me? You all listen here, I hate those queers. Those Kathoey, those gays, do not come near me. If they come close, I will punch them to pieces.” Who he will punch wherever, I do not give a bloody fucking damn, but he does not know how much he is hurting my heart.
I am gay. I am the one who has been bombed in the shithole!!!
I want to shout in his face, but I only grab my bag and am about to walk away. If not for...
“And I will also curse that cake shop. I will tell the whole school that if you do not want to catch the gay infection, do not go in to eat. Do not say I did not warn you if you get fucked by its owner later...”
Snap... Smack
“Hey!!! Âi Gok!!!"
Suddenly, I lose my mind.
I.... turn around and swing a punch into Âi Pae's face with full force. An action that makes Âi Pae himself yell out in surprise, but he cannot stop me anymore. My two hands rain down on that shit-lizard friend who looks down on the person I love most.
“Ouch! Ouch, Âi Gok, what the hell are you doing!”
I do not listen to what he will say. I swing my fist with full force. But...
Grab
“Âi Gok, calm down. You calm down.” “I am not calm, damn! I will have his blood! Let me go, Âi Ton! Let me go!!!” I am locked in Âi Ton's arms, but I still try to shake free. When my arms cannot do their job, I use my legs, trying to kick that shit-lizard who is not my friend. The person who stumbles back several steps, eyes wide, looking at me as if I am crazy.
“This is not funny, Âi Gok. I am hurt. Do you want to die?”
“You are the one who wants to die! Take back your words right now! Take back your words!!!” I glare at his face with full force, kicking with all my might, until Âi Ton scolds, but I do not care. I need an apology from him. I need him to say sorry to Phîi Pong, a person that even if he died and was reborn ten times, he could not compare to Phîi!!!!
“Teacher, over here! They are having a fight behind the school!!!”
“Hey, hey, break it up. Do you want to go to the discipline room? Come on, Âi Gok! This will become a big issue.... And you, Âi Pae, do you want to lose your university admission rights?”
Suddenly, a student's voice calls from this direction, followed by a teacher's voice. But I do not care who comes. I am willing to go to the discipline room, I am willing to let my parents know I am being disciplined, but I will get my revenge on him.
However... it is not Âi Pae, who wipes his bruised mouth, staring at me silently.
“I will leave this with you, Âi Gok. If it were not for you being you, you would be dead at my feet by now.”
“Yes! Come kill me! Come on!!!” I will lunge at him again, but I cannot overcome Âi Ton's strength as he drags me away from there, even though... I am the angriest in my life.
I cannot let him curse my Phîi Pong!!!!
“What is wrong today?”
“Nothing.”
“Did something happen? Why are you so down today?”
“Sob. No.”
Today, before the final bell even rings, I grab my bag and step out of school quickly, heading straight to the cake shop to ask for comfort from the person who makes me able to endure until school ends. And as soon as I see his face, I rush in to hug him tightly, bury my face in his hard, warm chest, and inhale the sweet scent of desserts into my lungs fully.
My demeanor must make Phîi Pong suspicious, but I will not tell what happened.
“Did something happen at school?”
“Nothing really, Phîi Pong. Gok just... just wants to be coquettish.” I still insist on not telling Phîi Pong about what happened, because I do not want him to feel upset, I do not want him to know what happened, and I do not want him to know what my friend cursed about.
I.... do not want Phîi Pong to be sad.
Phîi Pong has put so much effort into building this shop. He can accept criticism about the dessert flavors, shop improvements, or things like that. But I do not want the criticism that this shop's cakes are inedible because the maker is gay to reach his ears.
I will absolutely not let anything slip, even though I am angry, so angry that tears are seeping.
“It is okay if it is nothing. But why are we crying?” Phîi Pong pushes me away lightly, looks down to make eye contact, while reaching out to touch my cheek, rubbing the corner of my eye most gently, until I bite my lip hard.
Shake, shake, shake
I still insist by shaking my head vigorously.
“Nothing really. Just some flour flew into my eyes.” I try to smile, even though Phîi Pong still has a worried expression. But he probably does not want to press and make me uncomfortable, so he gives a warm smile and bends down to kiss my cheek.
“Hmm, if it is nothing, then it is nothing... Then, to celebrate Nong Gok starting school today, I made a whole pound of strawberry shortcake for you. Want to eat it?” Phîi Pong says in a soft voice, pointing to the whole pound cake decorated with fresh cream and large strawberries, plus a chocolate plaque that says... For my love.
My mood lifts a little.
“The whole pound, Phîi Pong?”
“Yes, Khrap. It is all for Nong Gok.” Phîi Pong pats my head again, making me smile out. “Then, shall we go eat upstairs?”
I stop to think for a moment. I really want to nod yes, but because of today's events, I am afraid... afraid that this unlucky mouth of mine will slip and make Phîi Pong upset. So...
“Can Gok take it home to eat?”
Phîi Pong frowns, but after a moment, he relaxes. “Of course. Nong Gok must be tired today. It is better to go home and rest. I will box the cake for you.” He nods, while walking to put the beautiful whole pound cake into a box for me. I can only stand and watch, biting my lip until it hurts, because I... want to do something for Phîi Pong.
Why? Why do I not say out loud that I am Phîi Pong's romantic partner?
“Alright, it is done. Should I take you home?” I snap out of my thoughts, shake my head sharply, take the cake box, and hug it tightly to my chest. “No, no need. After school, Phîi Pong is even busier. Gok will go back by myself.” I smile at him, then look left and right to make sure that Phîi Khai and Phîi Pam are not coming in, before...
Standing on tiptoe to quickly kiss Phîi Pong on the mouth.
“Phîi Pong, if Gok eats it and gets hard... Can Gok call you to have phone sex?”
I am not horny. I am just asking to be sure it will not get stuck.
The question makes Phîi Pong damn stunned, but after a moment, he raises his hand to cover his eyes.
“I will not stop at just phone sex, you know.”
Okay, that means he agrees.
The thought makes me smile inadvertently. I kiss the cheek of the person thinking bad thoughts again, then grab my bag and walk out through the back of the shop, skirting around to the side, intending to hail a taxi home. Anyway, it is the first day of school, I still have money left, I will hurry back to calm my mind and savor the cake a bit. But...
“Oh, so you are like this.”
Gulp
I freeze immediately when I step out from the side of the shop and encounter.... that Âi Pae and his gang. Âi Ton is not with them, but there is Âi Pae and two or three other friends from my group.
All of them look at me with eyes of... disgust.
“You hit me because you are one too, right, Âi Gok!” I have never seen Âi Pae this angry before. He is shouting at me loudly, making my hands shake.
This area has a lot of people passing by.
“You.... what are you talking about?”
“You hit me because you are the same type as them!” I cannot speak. My two hands hug the cake box tighter than before, looking at them who are staring, hoping for an answer from me.
“I also thought you were the cute little one type, but I thought you were a full-on man. I bothered to trust you, believe in you, agree to listen to what you said. But shit-lizard!!! I have been with gays for three years! Three years that I had to be near these shit-lizard!” Âi Pae points at my face and curses, making me shake all over.
I might be angry that he cursed Phîi Pong, but when he curses me directly.... I become afraid.
Since long ago, because my Phô and older sibling taught me to be sharp, taught me to drink, I wanted to show that a little one like me can handle things enough to join a gang of delinquent youth. I did everything to maintain my status. And now I am still just a high school youth who cares about friends more than anything. When I think they will abandon me... I am afraid.
Not to mention the vicious words he is cursing me with, until I have to argue.
"I... I am not one."
“Then do you think I am blind for seeing you go into the back of that gay's shop!!!"
He has been following me since school ended!!!
The truth makes me shake all over. I did not think I would be so careless. Even though Phîi Pong tried to prevent me from having strange rumors, I brought it upon myself.
“I... I just came to buy cake.”
“Do not lie. You said yourself you hate sweet things. So why would you come if you were not involved with that shit-lizard! So you yourself have been ass-fucked too. You yourself also... Whoa, I get goosebumps thinking I have sat next to someone like you for three years.” Âi Pae does not stop. He continues cursing me, and what is worse is that he has supporters.
“Disgusting, Âi Gok.”
“We cannot accept this.”
They are speaking to my face. But I... have I deceived them in any way?
I just like sweet things. I am just in a relationship with a man. I am just someone who gets angry easily. Besides these things, I have been sincere with them in every way. But they... are looking at me like a rat in a sewer coming up to ask for scraps from them.
“Do not come near us again, you Kathoey!”
He says this to my face as a final word, then shakes his head, makes as if to walk away. But it means... he has cut me off.
Everything I have maintained for three years is about to vanish before my eyes.
Crash!!!
“Ouch, you damned-animal Gok!!!” Before I know it, I throw the cake in my hand at Âi Pae, hear it hit and fall to the ground, the face smashed, while I myself shout out loudly with fear.
“I am not gay!!!"
Their disgusted expressions. They make as if to deal with me, but Âi Pae stops them. The large person stares at me with a look.
“I am not. Do you hear me? I am not. I am not involved with the shop owner at all. I myself do not want to get close to those Kathoey and gays either!!!" My efforts over many years make me cling to my status in the group as tightly as possible. So much that I myself shout loudly that I am not involved with Phîi Pong.
“I just came to buy cake for my Mâe! I am not what you say! I do not care about the shop owner at all!!!"
I... what have I said?
Do I care about these people so much that I have to lie like this?
I want to blame it on because I have kept the secret for many years, I do not want to see it crumble before my eyes, until something unknown pushes me to say things I do not mean like this.
“Whatever the shop owner is, it has nothing to do with me!!!"
I shout it out as a final word, but it is a word I will regret for the rest of my life.
Because...
“Nong Gok.”
Snap
I am startled to the core. I turn back to look at the front of the shop and find many people standing watching. But the person who makes my heart stop, feeling like I cannot stand, is.... Phîi Pong.
Phîi Pam is the one who calls my name in surprise, but the person standing looking at me with sadness is Phîi Pong. The person who slowly relaxes his smile, turns to look at my friends, and then affirms that...
“I do not know that Nong at all.”
Phîi Pong only says this and then... turns around and goes back into the shop.
“Pam, I think I am not feeling well today. Let us close the shop. Please apologize to the customers for me.”
“Phîi Pong!!! Phîi Pong!!!"
What have I done... what have I done!!!!
The thought that my body decides... I run after Phîi Pong with all my speed, reaching out with all my strength to clutch the hem of his shirt as tightly as possible.
To hell with it. If they cut off our friendship, so be it. But if Phîi Pong cuts me out of his life... I cannot bear it.
Phîi Pong, please listen to Gok first. Please, listen to Gok first.
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