Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
Perspective Gok
“Today, I’ve got something good with me, man.”
“What is your thing?”
“Taen!!! A special sweet drink in Ai'Pae's style. I guarantee drinking it feels like ascending to heaven.”
“Heaven, my ass. Your Phô, the discipline teacher, is going to drag you in any minute. The smell of liquor is this strong.”
“So you don't want any."
“Hey, hey, hey! Wait a second! Let me have a sip!"
Where am I right now? I am spacing out. I think so, yes. I am probably spacing out behind the school, watching all my friends having fun, not caring about the discipline teachers.
And why am I spacing out? I am still aware that they are fighting over a low-class looking plastic bottle containing red liquid, like the kind used to feed a Kumarn Thong spirit... Well, if I didn't hear it, I would be deaf!
Shit, can't I just think quietly, you damned animals! Are you shouting so my Phô knows? Or are you bringing liquor into school? Damn!
I want to shout and curse at them, but if I do that, they will just ask why I'm upset, what happened, who did what. Then I will have to make excuses accordingly. Who can say that the reason I am so troubled, to the point of wanting to dunk my head in a toilet and die, is because a man just had my dick in his mouth!
I do not want to talk about it. The precum shot out, zing! It shot out, zing!
“Arghhhh!” All I can do is groan in my throat, lowering my head to bury it in my school bag. If I were not with these damned animals right now, I would lie down and thrash about until I was satisfied. Because the incident from the holiday is happening again!
Are you going to come every time my brain is empty, huh!
That day, after I ascended to heaven with Phîi Pong's godly lips (which I now know belong to a man who is very skilled), I came down to hug that silent, uncommunicative creature. I did not care that Ruthless pushed his head against me as if he was trying to get to my dog, which you do not need to do. I saw it, you know, you pushing your head against my baby's butt!
Therefore, this Âi'Gok proceeded to dunk his head into the stomach of that silent creature without any fear of allergies, until his handsome friend came back to reclaim his dog.
Of course I would stay to continue doing... this task. I then clung to Graph's shirt and told him to take me home, while... feeling immensely guilty.
Phîi Pong looked at me with extremely pitiful eyes!
But at that moment, I wanted to run away to the farthest edge of the world. I finally understood why some women let themselves get pregnant before marriage. Just look, when the mood strikes, even if an elephant came to pull me away, it could not make that thing between my legs go down! No wonder I felt regretful later, wondering since when my sense of shame had become as small as an ant's clitoris.
My masculinity is completely shattered now.
Both the kiss, the suck, the lick, and damn it all.... It was so fucking intense, I tell you.
However, amidst the shame so profound I wanted to hang myself, the thing that appeared most clearly was.... Phîi Pong's face.
His handsome, captivating face while he was devouring ice cream with such relish, when he glanced up and our eyes met. Even though I had always thought Phîi Pong was a kind, warm-hearted adult, at that moment there was only one feeling... burning hot, almost crazy.
The look in Phîi Pong's eyes was as if he was going to swallow me whole, until I could only let him eat up every last drop.
So fucking embarrassing, damned embarrassing!
“Urghhhhh."
I had forgotten where I was, because I banged my head against my backpack several times to vent my embarrassment, and my bizarre behavior finally had an effect.
“What the hell are you doing, Âi Gok?"
I managed to attract the attention of those dog-mouths.
gulp
Calm down, you Gok. Take a deep breath... deep... deep... Do not act suspicious.
Phew... The thought makes me lift my head to face my friends again, and I find that more than six pairs of eyes are staring this way with suspicion. I try to smile to deceive them, but damn it, it just twitches deeply, like I cannot control my jaw.
“What's with your face?” Ton asks me first, forcing me to shake my head and gather my scattered wits. Because even though I have let my masculinity be utterly destroyed, I must not lose the respect of these guys!
“Nothing, nothing. I just feel sorry for you all.”
“Sorry for what?” Pae turns to ask sharply, his hand still gripping that ominous-looking plastic bottle, forcing me to raise a superior smile.
“Just look at you all. Just some liquor mixed with red cordial, and you're fighting over it like it's been possessed by a ghost. Sorry, man, but
I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, my Phô doesn't mind." Then I raise my eyebrows at him again, a mocking gesture that makes Pae act like he is going to throw the liquor bottle at me, and he says angrily.
“Yeah, right, who could be as good as your Phô.”
“Obviously,” I reply confidently. If it were anyone else, that damned Pae would have probably hit them already, but because it is me, he just lets out a strong breath through his nose.
“Yeah, yeah, I yield to you.”
“You're getting softer and softer when it's about this Gok... Speaking of you, though, you've been making that face since morning. Didn't you sleep or something?"
Gasp!
Pae might have muscles for brains, so he does not think much, but Ton is not. He is looking at me suspiciously, so I put on a front-facing smile, even though my brain is racing at top speed. I conclude that it is better to just go along with it rather than find other excuses to explain myself, and then choose to pretend to forget.
“Yeah, yeah, I didn't sleep.”
“You were jerking off, you,” Pae butts in, making me bare my teeth at him, before... freezing.
“Let me ask you guys something,” I say, ignoring Pae and turning to the others who turn to look at me.
“What?"
“What do you guys think about gay people?”
Silence... Deak.
I understand the meaning of the phrase 'deak point' right now, because these guys are as silent as a blown saka fish grill, staring at me with eyes practically popping out, until my brain tells me I have to laugh, pretend it is funny, you Gok. Act like nothing happened, treat it as a joke.
“Hey, hey, don't look so serious, man. I was just pass...”
“Disgusting.”
Gulp
But before I can finish my excuse, Pae says a word that makes all my sounds swallow down into my throat.
“Hey, hey, I think that word is too strong. They'll accuse you of being homophobic, Pae.”
Barrel pointed, explosion. “Oh, or are you one, Ton? I've been suspicious for a long time. Don't tell me you like it.”
“You damned nuisance! I'll kill you! When did I ever say I was one!?”
“Hey, you guys, calm down. Gok just asked what we think. Why are you fighting each other?... Right, Gok?”
Gasp!
“Yeah, yeah, right, right. I was just asking casually. I just... just saw that there are so many gay-themed movies these days.” I startle intensely, feeling like my hands and feet cannot even move when I hear the word 'disgusting'. Moreover, every word that comes out of Pae's mouth makes me pale. When someone turns to ask for my opinion, I quickly nod, my voice trembling slightly, but thankfully they do not pay much attention to me.
But the point is, why am I pale?
I am pale from my face down to the tips of my toes. Looking at my own hands, I know they have no blood color left. And the shittiest thing is... an image of Phîi Pong floats into my head.
Why do I see Phîi Pong's face? I am not one, damn it... Oh, right, right. I am just thinking, that if Phîi Pong is one, should I be disgusted? Yes, yes, that is all. I just saw Phîi Pong's technique and wondered if he had sucked someone else off before.... That's all... that's really all.
The thought that I might be gay makes me.... afraid.
The fear that arises from their words.
“Ugh, those kinds of movies? They make me want to vomit,” says my close friend with a contemptuous tone, leaving me, who should have the duty to stop them, unable to say anything.
Luckily, “What are you guys being so loud about? Phô will come any minute.”
“Ai'Graph!” I am extremely happy when I turn to see my handsome friend walking over with a ball.
“Not playing football today? I went to the field and didn't see you guys.”
“Not playing, man. It's hot today. What about you, is your wife not around?” I am extremely, extremely relieved that Graph shows up, so I immediately find a way to change the subject just in time. The newcomer just shrugs, looking bored.
“Janjao has a student council meeting, so I thought I'd kill time with you guys.”
“Your mother is not free, is that it?” Pae makes a mocking sound that makes the newcomer's eyes go wow-wow.
That damned Pae is always picking on Graph. I guess he is jealous that Graph has a beautiful romantic partner.
“Yeah, yeah, you came just right. We were just talking. Gok asked what we think about gay people.” I startle with a gasp, knowing that Ton is trying to steer away from the shit-faced argument between these two to another topic, but sorry, the topic you just brought up makes me turn completely white.
The question makes Graph turn to look at me, forcing me to say hurriedly.
“Hey, I am not one. I just wanted to know casually.”
The handsome guy nods, and he might be the person who makes me feel the most hopeful. “I do not see what the big deal is. Gay or not gay, they are people just the same.”
An answer that makes me.... relieved.
Even though Pae continues to express his biased opinions, Graph argues back, asking if he lacks warmth or something to be cursing people who are not bothering him. That makes me breathe a little easier, until the point when he moves to sit next to me and whispers....
“Do you have time later? Come with me for a bit.”
I extremely, extremely want to run to the ends of the earth, but I also become curious about where he will take me.
***
“What do I think about gay people?... It is love that overcomes all obstacles, of course. Arayyyyyy!" Janjao says.
What... what kind of face should I make?
Here I am, stressed almost to death about where the super handsome Graph will take me, or if he suspects something about what I said, but it turns out he brings me to wait for his romantic partner with him, and he asks about the topic we discussed earlier. The result... is this beautiful woman, raising her hands to cover her cheeks, acting all shy and tilted, as if a gay person has just proposed to her?
I do not think Janjao can act like this anywhere she is seen. She is the extremely studious student council member who always looks displeased when we invite Graph to skip class. But this woman, acting shy and blushing, making gestures like she has met a Korean star, who is she? I do not think I know her.
“Control yourself a bit, Janjao. Gok is stunned.” Graph says.
Meanwhile, this bad boy is saying it amusedly, until Janjao raises her hands to cover her face.
“I cannot help it, Graph. I am shy. Just thinking about men being together, I am already fangirling.”
“Janjao is a fujoshi, in case you are wondering,” Graph turns to tell me.
I know this term; many girls in my class are one, but I do not understand it. What is there to fangirl about so much, just men being together?
“Yes! I am a fujoshi. I love seeing men together. I think it is quite cute. Like, when I see a group of handsome men walking, I like to secretly think that the pair walking at the very back might have a secret relationship, maybe holding hands secretly. Or when I see two men hugging on the BTS.... Oh my! My heart beats so fast!!!!"
I think someone like Janjao is beyond help.
I am amazed that such a creature exists on this planet, so I can only stare blankly, and that makes Janjao clear her throat a little, also trying to make a serious face even though... is it not too late already?
“Okay, seriously then. If you ask what I think... I think that whether someone is gay or not is their own business. It is not something for other people to judge for them, as long as they are not using a woman as a front, and they are not causing trouble for anyone. Also, I actually respect their relationships.”
Why is it that, even though it is just an opinion, I... feel better.
After that, Janjao smiles even wider.
“Same-sex love is more difficult than male-female love. They have to endure society's gaze, they have to get their family's acceptance, not to mention the gossip from people who do not know anything. That is why I think people who can be in a relationship, not just those who are after free sex or one-night stands, are respectable to death."
I respect Janjao so much, I do not know how.
“A young woman dares to talk about sex with a straight face?” I cannot help but ask, and that makes the young woman laugh.
“Women are people too, Gok.” She replies.
“She can say even more than this. Even I have to admit it,” Graph adds, also shaking his head as if exasperated.
Judging by the way these two are, on the bed Janjao must be the one in control of the game.
I look at the woman who controls a drama-queen bad boy like Graph with amazement, before...
“And also, do you like anyone right now?”
“Cough, cough, cough!”
I swear I have not eaten anything, but I am choking on my own saliva!
“Hey, hey, hey! What does that have to do with me!” I shout out loudly immediately, which makes Janjao turn to look at Graph's face.
“Oh, it is just that, out of nowhere, Gok asks about this, when he never talks about it. I was just wondering.”
Why do these two look like they know something? It cannot be. Graph just came to pick up his dog. He could not have felt anything yet.
“It is nothing!!!” I affirm firmly, even though in my heart... my voice is damned coquettish.
Seeing my affirmation, Janjao purses her lips, then shrugs.
“If it is nothing, then it is nothing.”
“Wait!"
Oh, you foul mouth, stop it. Stop right now. Stop it right now, you. Stop!
“Then, if a man lets another man do things to him, does that mean he is gay!”
I admit defeat to that damned mouth of yours.
Thwack
"What does that mean?!"
What should I do? I have always thought Janjao is a proper, well-behaved young woman, until the moment she lunges forward to grab my shoulders, her eyes wide with fervor. If she were drooling, I would definitely think she has rabies. She also asks loudly, almost shaking my arm off. To be honest... I am extremely scared!
“What is it, Gok? What is it!!!"
“My... my friend! It is my friend's business! It is not my business!!!” All I can do is close my eyes and shout with a trembling voice, hoping to be released. I admit my fear of women starts today. And that makes Janjao let go.
I open my eyes slowly. I had better squint open to check for safety first, and I find that... My two friends are smiling the same way.
What do you guys know!?
“Is that so? It is Gok's friend's business?”
“Yes, yes, yes! My friend. A childhood friend. From, uh... elementary school days. Yes, yes. He came to ask for advice.” At this point, I have to lie my way out.
That makes Janjao nod slowly. “Hmm. A friend's business.”
Why do you have to emphasize it so much? I told you it is my friend's business!
I nod my head so hard it almost falls off, and at that moment...
Thwack
“Then let us go discuss the details further, Gok. As a fujoshi, I want to know. I want to give advice. I guarantee it, Gok, I mean, your friend will definitely get good answers for sure. Come on, come on. I am not tutoring today anyway, right, Graph? Let us go find a place to sit and talk.”
I can only turn to look at Graph's face fearfully, because his romantic partner is grabbing my arm and dragging me. But it seems he is not jealous at all, besides shrugging with an expression that says I cannot help you.
“You just go ahead and tell her. Despite how she looks, Janjao knows a lot. I guarantee she can help you.” Graphic reassures me
“I told you it is my friend's business!”
“I did not say it was your business, not a single word,” Graph retorts with a straight face that makes me... suddenly speechless, deak.
If I do not go, it will be suspicious, right? I am going because I am afraid my secret will be exposed, not because I really want to get advice, damn it!
I feel like I am even lying to myself.
“Hey, no, I am not going! I am not entering! I do not want this place!!!"
A moment ago, Janjao said she would find a place to sit and talk, right? So I thought it would be a bench in some corner of the school, an empty classroom, or at least a quiet spot in the cafeteria. Not... the cake shop in front of the school!!!
A shop that looks as warm as its owner stands tall right in front of me. Moreover, the door is wide open, extremely inviting, forcing me to resist with all my might, trying to find an escape route, but I am stuck because... that damned Graph is flanking me from behind.
“Oh, why, Gok?” Why is Janjao smiling so strangely sweetly?
She... is smiling.
“You know the owner of this shop too. We can sit for a long time here,” Graph says calmly, but...
What the hell are you guys smiling about? I will poke your eyes out.
I can only think that, because I cannot turn back now, when....
“Oh, Nong Gok. Come in, come in. Please come in. Are you here to see Phîi Pong?” Phîi Pam... the beautiful female employee smiles and greets me. What else can I do but follow my friends inside?
“No, I am here with friends.” Then I mumble an answer to her question, giving a dry smile, following Janjao to the innermost table, the kind where the young lady turns to look at Graph.
“We will have the strawberry shortcake and a green tea latte, iced.”
“Hmm... and you?”
“No, no, no, no! I am not eating! I am not hungry!” I am impressed by Graph's way of treating a woman, but I am more startled when he asks what I want to eat.
Seriously, the cake from Phîi Pong's shop is like it has been drugged. Who would want to be drugged right now!
Graph nods, then goes to order for his romantic partner and himself. As soon as I turn to look at Janjao... I am met with a horrifying smile.
“I think I will go back instead.”
Thwack
“Did your friend just sleep with a man?”
“Hey, no!!!!"
I shout out loudly, of course, making everyone in the shop turn to look at me sharply, and that makes me... slump down into my seat, extremely embarrassed.
“So, what happened?” Unlike Janjao, who continues asking, ignoring the stares of others, until… I decide.
Fine, it has come to this. Just claim it is my friend, my friend, my friend, my friend! No one will know it is me.
“It is just... almost.”
“Hand or mouth?”
I am starting to be afraid that Janjao can read minds. What kind of woman is she, daring to talk about things I do not dare to, with a straight face? She probably realizes it herself because she clears her throat a little and goes back to sitting while hugging a cushion, but is it not too late already?
“And your friend is wondering if doing this makes him gay or not?”
“Well... hmm."
Fine, fine, because I want to know myself anyway.
While Janjao is silent for a moment, before asking back.
“And has your friend ever liked other men? Like, is this person the first, something like that?”
“Hmm. This person is the first.” Why do I feel awkward when I answer? It is about my friend. I am asking about my friend here.
“Is that so? Then try to think. If your friend met another man, would he be willing like he was with this man?”
"No!"
Damn it, I answered too quickly!
I have thought before that the thing belonging to an AV lead actor looks interesting, but if I were to try sucking or being sucked, I would get goosebumps already. It is different with Phîi Pong. Besides having my precum milked out by him, I have also secretly looked at his giant ice cream, the kind I want to try a lick or two. Does this mean I do not think about anyone else besides Phîi Pong?
“Then let me conclude for you...”
Janjao is smiling very slyly.
“Conclude... what?” The person who laughs, then says fully and clearly.
“Gok, I mean, your friend, likes that man now.”
Boing!
“No way!!!"
My eyes pop wide open as if I have seen a ghost. I slam the table loudly with a bang, standing up abruptly. Even though this time it makes everyone turn to look at me, I do not care anymore. I can only stare intently at Janjao, and I say through gritted teeth.
“No way. It is impossible. To like him... how could that be?”
“Oh, but I think it has already happened. You are not willing with others, but you are willing with this one person only. And if Gok, I mean, your friend, his heart beats fast when he is with him, feels happy when he is with him, wants to come find him, oh, and if he gets jealous of him too, then I declare that he definitely likes him."
Whoosh
I immediately slump back down onto the chair, blinking rapidly to call back my senses, when...
“Is something wrong?... Oh, Nong Gok.” It must be because of the loud noise earlier that the shop owner comes out to check, and now that soft, mellow voice full of concern is sounding above my head, forcing me to turn to look with an expression no different from a robot.
A sharply handsome face is right in front of me. A pair of sharp eyes, short-cut hair, a high nose, thin lips that sent me to heaven, not to mention the white patissier uniform that makes...
Boom
I hear an explosion sound in my head, an extremely cute one, and then I... my whole face feels hot.
“Is Nong Gok okay? Why is your face so red!” Phîi Pong asks with concern, and he makes a move to reach his hand out to feel my forehead, making me startle with a gasp. I shake my head sharply, grabbing his wrist firmly. But just his wrist, and I am already hot. I can only mumble in a faint, weak voice.
"The... the air conditioner is hot."
“Then I will go adjust it for you. Just a moment.” Phîi Pong says quickly, then goes off to adjust the air conditioner. I watch his retreating back, before turning to meet Janjao's eyes, who is smiling sweetly.
What should I do? It feels like my secret is about to be exposed.
“Bu... but he already has someone important.”
That damned person's face flashes into my head, forcing me to say with a trembling voice, just as Phîi Pong walks back to say.
“I have adjusted the air conditioner. It should get cooler in a little while.” I really do not dare to look at his face. I can only look down at the table. I want to ask Graph if you went to take a shit or what? The counter for ordering cake is so close. Come back and help me first!
However, that is not the peak of embarrassment yet, because...
“Phîi Pong,” It is not strange that Janjao knows the shop owner. I have heard she often comes here to study with Graph. But...
“Yes?"
“Do you have a romantic partner yet?”
Holy shit! What did you just ask, Janjao!!!
I do not dare to look at him even more heavily, because the decisive voice of my friend echoes throughout my head, and Phîi Pong's answer...
“Not yet.”
Boom
Damn it all. I hear that cute sound in my head again. Moreover... my heart is beating even stronger than a drum roll.
“Thank you.” I feel that Phîi Pong is still looking at me, but because I refuse to say anything, he finally walks back into the kitchen. Once I am sure he is really gone, I lift my head again to look at my other friend, who is still smiling sweetly. She points after the shop owner and says with a... knowing look.
“He said he does not have a romantic partner yet, Gok.”
“So.... what does that have to do with me?” Right now, there is no 'we' or anything, there is only me. But it seems my friend does not take offense, she just laughs, as that damned Graph finally deigns to return, and says admonishingly.
“That is enough fun, Janjao.”
“I am not having fun at all. I am just giving advice. Or else he will say I am not skilled.”
Skilled at what!?
I truly cannot say anything. I do not know what Graph has told Janjao, but it must be about last Saturday when he came to pick up his dog. And because I just sit silently with a hot face the whole time, or not... Ruthless! That ruthless Ruthless must have reported me to Graph for revenge, because I did not let him bother with that silent creature!
My brain is gone.
I know I am thinking chaotically, and the thing that surges out the most is the phrase... I like Phîi Pong.
I have always thought that letting him touch me was purely due to my own base desires, because Phîi Pong was giving it for free, so I did not want to miss out. But when Janjao points it out, making me compare and think that if it were Pae or Ton, no, even a handsome guy like Graph doing it to me, would I be willing? The answer is.... No way!
But if I think it is over... I am dead wrong.
“And also, do you want to know if he likes Gok, I mean, your friend or not?”
At this point, you do not need to pretend to call him my friend. You already know it is me, right!
I raise my hands to cover my face in embarrassment, but...
"I want to know... please."
I really want to slap this damned mouth of hers, but since it has come to this, I can only say...
“I beg your favor, please.”
Just tell me. The method to find out if Phîi Pong likes me or not. Come on, tell me!!!
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