Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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“Are you a dim-wit or just stupid, Wá, Âi'Plêrng?”
“You (meung) aren't giving me (Kuu) any options, so how can I (Kuu) answer?”
“I (Kuu) have options now, Hòe.”
“Then I (Kuu) can be a dim-wit.”
After telling Phîi Sǐndhu that he wanted to think about something alone and quietly, Práo Plêrng came to the university in his own car for the first time in a month. His adorable face looked pale, his eyes were dry, the tip of his nose was a bit red, which made his two close friends have to ask again what had happened. And with the fear compressed in his heart, in the end, the confident person who seemed like he wouldn't stop for anyone told them the reason he refused to accept that it was love, straight out.
That's it. So Andrea started off by scolding him first.
But this time, Plêrng had to admit that he really was a dim-wit, that's all.
No, he wasn't a dim-wit. People said that not knowing or understanding weren't wrong. But for someone who had refused to have a relationship with anyone ever since he reached adolescence, until this time when his heart trembled for that man, what did they expect Âi'Práo Plêrng to do? They had never seen his uncle's condition on the day his heart was shattered.
“Your (meung) matter and your (meung) uncle's matter are not the same, Wôoi.”
“How are they not the same? That ex-romantic partner of Uncle's was.... a man.”
Plêrng said in a tone resembling choking. He became afraid because he himself was also dating someone of the same sex, which had no guarantee like those between women and men. He told his friends as well.
“And do you (meung) understand that my Uncle's ex-romantic partner broke up with him to marry a woman? He got her pregnant. And you think about it, Phîi Sǐndhu himself was also a straight man before, dated women. The possibility that I (Kuu) would follow in Uncle's footsteps is sky-high, Wôoi. If we keep dating and then break up, and then your (meung) friend happens to commit suicide, what would you (meung) do?”
“A person like you (meung) wouldn't do it. Going to kill Phîi Sǐndhu and his new Mia would be more likely.” Phént said with reason, which Plêrng immediately argued back.
“Okay, then you (meung) would have to have a friend who is a murderer, you know.”
“Âi'Plêrng, gather your senses a little, will you? You (meung) haven't broken up with Phîi Sǐndhu, right?”
“Haven't broken up. Just asked for time to think.” Plêrng said confidently, because he definitely had not said break up to Phîi Sǐndhu. And that made Phént nod abruptly.
“Right, you (meung) haven't broken up with Phîi Sǐndhu. Therefore, stop thinking about having to commit suicide or being a murderer right away. I (Kuu) have secretly loved my (Kuu) person for how many years? I (Kuu) have never once been a murderer for you (meung) to see.”
“But when he doesn't pay attention to you (meung), you (meung) get sad.” Plêrng blurted out, then quickly covered his mouth, because the other party had fallen silent.
“I'm (Kuu) sorry. I (Kuu) didn't mean it. I (Kuu) just....”
Whoosh
“Enough. I (Kuu) understand you're (meung) confused.” Phént raised his hand to stop him, shook his head saying he wouldn't make an issue of it, and returned to the original topic.
“See? Because he doesn't love me (Kuu), I (Kuu) get sad. But your (meung) case, he's head over heels for you (meung) to this extent. Even if you're afraid of being sad, why? If I (Kuu) were Phîi Sǐndhu, I (Kuu) would be more afraid that you (meung) yourself would be the one to leave him. You get bored so easily.” Plêrng knew his friend's reasoning was completely correct. But deep down, he was still afraid and couldn't stop.
“Can I (Kuu) have some time to think?”
He begged for sympathy, because even someone with a thick-skinned, enduring face like this also had moments when he couldn't figure things out.
“Yeah, you (meung) can think if you want. But I'm (Kuu) telling you (meung) right here, instead of being happy with Phîi Sǐndhu, you're (meung) taking time to think-deeply and be sad first? The Âi'Plêrng I (Kuu) know isn't like this.” Phént spoke with reason, laying it out point by point that he should stop being afraid and move forward.
Meanwhile, the half-Thai girl found that her stirring had succeeded beautifully, because Âi'Plêrng… had really fallen into the pit.
If he didn't love him, he wouldn't be sitting here thinking-deeply for stanzas and stanzas like this so, just a moment…
“I (Kuu) wasn't going to talk your (meung) ear off, but do you (meung) know how charming Phîi Sǐndhu is?”
That. Before, he argued till he was blue in the face that Phîi Sǐndhu was bland, Lâ, that his face was plain, Lâ. Now he admits it fully.
“Yeah, that's it. And he isn't just charming in your (meung) eyes. Right now, I (Kuu) heard hot news that Phîi Sǐndhu is on the list of all the young gay guys who are aiming to catch him as a Phûa, Wá. It's not just because he's handsome to many people's liking, but because everyone wants to know how spectacular he must be to have tamed you (meung).”
“What exactly are you (meung) trying to tell me (Kuu)? It's better to say it straight.” Plêrng turned sharply, with no intention of playing along like every other time, until Andrea snapped her fingers with a pop.
“If you (meung) take too long to think, your (meung) Phûa will be done by someone else, Wá!”
“I (Kuu) won't allow it! Phîi Sǐndhu is still mine (Kuu), Wôoi!” Plêrng shouted loudly, staring intently at his friend's face. And that made the speaker shrug, then gesture towards the other friend, who continued without hesitation.
“That's what we (Kuu) are trying to say. If you (meung) sit here thinking-deeply and brooding like this, you (meung) might really lose your (meung) good Phîi Sǐndhu. And you (meung), don't be afraid of something that hasn't happened yet. Do you (meung) know why people all over the world want love even though they know that heartbreak hurts like hell?” Phént was full of substance as always, but this time he was smiling, then raised his hand to gently shake his little friend's head.
“Because the happiness of being in love is more meaningful, that's why.”
Plêrng lowered his head, biting his lip. He kinda understood what his two friends were trying to tell him, you know. But the original thought still circled back into his head. If you don't love, you don't need to get hurt. Before, when dating Phîi Sǐndhu, he thought only about physical matters. But when it became a matter of the heart, look, he had to sit here moping, with no mind to do anything. Wouldn't it be better to go back to having fun like before?
If he wanted to go back to being the old Âi'Plêrng, he'd have to break up with Phîi Sǐndhu, right?
It was this thought that made him feel afraid.
Ugh, I (Kuu) don't want to break up. And I (Kuu) don't want to get hurt either.
In the end, Práo Plêrng couldn't sleep all night, just thinking about this over and over. And someone like him had tears flowing in streams without having to squeeze them out, without being hurt violently in bed. They just flowed out quietly until both of his eyes were red. When it got bad, he sobbed and told himself that he didn't want to break up. He knew that not having a romantic partner wouldn't hurt, but just thinking that Phîi Sǐndhu would be gobbled up and devoured by someone else...
He wouldn't allow it! He wouldn't allow it! I (Kuu) would really go down there and thrash about.
Thud
The thought of the person walking down to the parking lot. But he had to freeze, because “Phîi Sǐndhu.”
The large-built man who was about to get into his own car too, until he called out softly. Normally, Phîi Sǐndhu would have come to him and asked with concern why his face was so pale and his eyes so red. But that side just gave him a sad smile, then got into the car. Plêrng bit his lip tightly.
Phîi Sǐndhu was an indulgent person. Therefore, the other party was doing as he said... giving Plêrng time to think.
And that...
Whoosh
Screeeech
“Nông Plêrng!!”
The little-one rushed out to stand in front of the car, until Phîi Sǐndhu quickly braked and got out in alarm. But the person who had stepped out to block the way was even more startled, his legs shaking tremulously. He looked up, pale, at the large-built man, then mumbled a faint, wavering call.
“Phîi Sǐndhu, Khrap. Phîi Sǐndhu.” He walked forward, intending to hug the other, but Phîi Sǐndhu was the one who stepped back, scanning him with his eyes to make sure he was okay, then gave him a gentle smile, saying in a pleasant voice.
“Don't run and block the car like that. What would happen if I hit you?”
He missed this kind of concern.
"Plêrng, that is, Plêrng..."
“Khrap?” The other responded in his throat, until Plêrng saw that Phîi Sǐndhu was looking at his bruised eyes, but still didn't come to him, until he had to say softly.
“Haven't seen each other for many days.”
“Yes, haven't seen each other for many days.” Sǐndhu repeated, and Plêrng felt that it had only been a few days, but he missed this person's embrace so much. It wasn't just about the bed stuff. He just wanted to nestle against that broad shoulder, have the other hold his waist. They didn't have to do anything at all. He wanted just that.
"…"
"…"
Now both he and Phîi Sǐndhu were silent, standing looking at each other. That side also acted like he was about to open his mouth to say something, but instead fell silent.
“Then I will go to class first, Ná.”
“Phîi Sǐndhu!” Plêrng hurriedly called out, on the verge of tears seeing Phîi Sǐndhu turn his back. The lump of flesh in his chest ached sharply, until he had to place his hand on his left chest. That side turned back to look at him again, then finally managed to ask.
“Has Nông Plêrng figured it out, Khrap?”
"Plêrng..."
Not yet. He still had no answer.
His silent, still manner made Phîi Sǐndhu himself sigh.
“It's okay. I can always give Nông Plêrng time. Then I... will go to class first, Ná.” Práo Plêrng had nothing left to stop the other with. He could only watch the broad back disappear into the black car, could only move aside to let that car drive out of the parking lot. As for himself, he could only drag his feet to the white car, his big round eyes glistening with teardrops.
Thud thud
Plêrng banged his head against the steering wheel several times.
He wanted to be in Phîi Sǐndhu's embrace as much as he was afraid. Just think, they had only been dating for a short while, and when the other turned his back and walked away, his chest already hurt. If they dated for a long time, fell deeply like his uncle loved his ex, and then broke up, wouldn't Âi'Plêrng drown in a pool of tears? Even now it was brimming.
The young man truly still had no answer to this question.
“Completely drained of spirit, my (Kuu) friend.”
“Don't rub it in.”
“Oh, you (meung) see it like me (Kuu) too, right? The capable Âi'Plêrng who charged through bloody fucking everything is sitting here reserving tears to flood the place. Should I (Kuu) be happy that in this lifetime I (Kuu) have the chance to see it?”
Plêrng didn't care to retort to his two friends. He let them talk among themselves, while scanning his eyes around the cafeteria where a certain someone had brought flowers to the person who announced in front of hundreds of people that he would court him, introducing himself as wanting to date a man like him. And that made tears well up immediately.
"Come on, Âi'Plêrng, don't act like you've already broken up, Wá.” Phént tried to comfort him.
“Why comfort him? He brought it on himself.” But the half-Thai girl's words stabbed his heart sharply, until he could only drop his head onto the table, not caring about the germs that would cause pimples as usual. Right now, he didn't even have the strength to lift his head. And when he reached into his pants pocket to get his phone, the black tiger keychain fell out again, until he could only watch it.
“Aow, looking at the keychain and you're about to cry, and still stubborn, you (meung).”
Phént was the one who picked it up and returned it to his hand, until Plêrng just realized that tears had come until the image he saw was completely blurred.
“I (Kuu) don't want to break up, you (meung). I (Kuu) don't want to break up.”
The little-one whispered faintly, at the moment when....
RRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr
Plêrng didn't pay attention to his friend's phone ringtone, but...
“What?!” Andrea's loud shout pulled Plêrng's attention to turn and look perfectly well. And he saw the half-Thai girl making a shocked face, turning to tell him with an excited expression.
“Big trouble, Âi'Plêrng! Drew says someone went to confess to Phîi Sǐndhu, Wá!”
Whoosh
That was it. Plêrng wiped his tears, stuffed the keychain into his pocket, then spun around and ran out of the cafeteria without a care for his life. Both eyes were wide open, his heart almost falling to his ankles. He knew only that...
Phîi Sǐndhu is my (Kuu) Phûa!
Absolutely! He didn't care about any damned-animal thing anymore. But no one better dare lay a hand on his Phîi Sǐndhu.
And the moment he turned his back on the brazen-faced youth, “Whew, do you (meung) think I (Kuu) should go find a modeling agency after this job, Wá?” Andrea asked cheerfully, while grabbing her bag to hold, just as Phént himself hurriedly followed her to the parking lot. But his mouth still asked curiously.
“Did we have to go this far, Wá?”
“Or were you (meung) going to wait for Âi'Plêrng to figure it out himself? He was crying that much and is still afraid. Someone like Âi'Plêrng needs a head-on collision. So I (Kuu) helped stir, you (meung). I (Kuu) am both the stirrer, the stirring ticket, and the slapper. I (Kuu) can do everything if it makes my (Kuu) friend happy.” The half-Thai girl said with a delighted smile, which made the listener know that...
“You're (meung) just having fun, that's all, Âi'Andrea.”
“Or do you (meung) think Âi'Plêrng's story isn't fun? Come on, don't feel bad. When it's my (meung) turn, you (meung) help me (Kuu). And when it's your (meung) turn, I (Kuu) will help you (meung). I (Kuu) guarantee that if you (meung) trust Âi'Andrea, you (meung) will get a good Phûa yourself.” The person who acted as a matchmaker unlocked the car, which made Phént quickly get in too.
Of course, they had to follow quickly to catch the ending!
Práo Plêrng didn't know how he managed to drive to the Faculty of Law with his senses intact. He didn't even know if this was the right place. But after parking without checking if it was forbidden, his two legs rushed into the building. He scanned the area for his target with blazing eyes, no trace left of the person sniffling and crying.
This time, I (Kuu) have come to take my romantic partner back.
Therefore, as soon as Plêrng saw that Phîi Sǐndhu was standing talking with a fair-skinned, good-looking man, his two legs rushed forward immediately. And...
Gab
“Don't mess with my (Kuu) Phûa!”
This time it wasn't just 'romantic partner'; he called him Phûa outright.
Plêrng pushed that person away from the path, shouted in his face with a look that meant business, then turned sharply to look at the large-built man whom, after not seeing for just a few days, someone already thought to snatch his man away. Then the little-one said with a take-no-prisoners attitude.
“Plêrng has not broken up with Phîi Sǐndhu. Phîi Sǐndhu has no right to mess with anyone else.”
“But Nông Plêrng still has no answer for me.”
Thud
In that second, Práo Plêrng forgot entirely where he was standing, because he widened his eyes, his mind was dazed looking at the person who looked back at him with pained eyes, until his heart jolted. The two hands that had just pushed the other person away grabbed onto Phîi Sǐndhu's upper arms. The eyes that were full of business a moment ago were now soaking wet.
“But I didn't break up with you, Phîi. I just said he needed time to think. You shouldn't act like we've broken up.”
“It.... isn't it subtly like telling me you want to break up, Khrap?”
Plop
When Plêrng realized that Phîi Sǐndhu thought they were breaking up, the person who was so bold as to pin the other down and handcuff him now had tears falling plop. He shook his head vigorously, trying to shake the other's arm, and said with a sob.
“No.... no, Ná. Not break up. I'm not breaking up with you, Ná.”
“But Nông Plêrng is afraid to date me, Khrap.”
In that second, Plêrng understood something.
It was more than that. Yes, he was afraid of getting hurt if they broke up. But he was more afraid someone would steal his “dream man.”
Snap
“Phîi Sǐndhu, Plêrng is not breaking up, Ná. Plêrng is not breaking up. I'm sorry. Sorry. Don't be angry with me, Ná. Don't have anyone else, Ná. Sorry. I was wrong. I was foolish myself. Ugh...” Clear teardrops flowed from his eyes, and then he looked up into the eyes of the man he once said had nothing that matched his specs, but this man made him feel so possessive.
Is this.... when you don't see each other, you can only think of them?
Is this.... when you see something, you think of the other person?
Is this... even without seeing their face, just hearing their voice makes you happy?
Is this.... being afraid that they will have someone else?
Is this..... love?
“It's just that Plêrng... Plêrng has never loved anyone... except you, Ná.”
Finally, Práo Plêrng accepted what his heart was feeling for this man.
The confession made Phîi Sǐndhu himself widen his eyes, looking visibly shocked, until he had to shake his arm.
“Believe me. I like you, Ná. I Love You Too. I told you that I have never had a romantic partner. You are the first. I don't know what I should do. I am sorry for saying that we might break up. I... I'm sorry. But please don't hate me, Ná...”
Grab.
But this time, before the little-one could finish speaking, the other pulled him into a tight embrace until they were snug. It was so tight it felt hard to breathe. But Plêrng hugged the other back. He didn't care if he could breathe or not, because he was back in this man's embrace again.
Whatever was weighing on his mind, bloody fucking forget it.
So this is what that Phént meant.
The happiness in this moment is more valuable than thinking about a future that hasn't arrived.
“I'm sorry, Ná. Plêrng doesn't know anything.” He stammered, wanting them to believe each other. And that made Phîi Sǐndhu ask.
“Then Nông Plêrng didn't know about this either, Khrap?”
The little-one could only sob in the embrace, shaking his head vigorously. He didn't know anything anymore, while listening to the deep voice that whispered...
“I love you too, Nông Plêrng.”
The listener widened his eyes, looked up at the other, and saw... love in his eyes. It was enough. He didn't want to be afraid anymore of being like Uncle Aphros, if Phîi Sǐndhu was still the person holding him like this.
“Everyone ganged up to trick Plêrng! Heartless-person! Black-hearted! The most evil!”
After Práo Plêrng felt relieved to have Phîi Sǐndhu back as his romantic partner like before, he found out that all the friends, both his and Phîi Sǐndhu's, were standing surrounding them. That Âi'Andrea was filming with a cheerful expression. That was it. The person who had been unintentionally dim-witted for several days became clever and realized that there hadn't really been someone confessing to Phîi Sǐndhu. It was all his friends' plan. That pair!
How could he forget that she was the stirring queen... stirring every story.
This time, even Nai Práo Plêrng himself felt his face flush hot with embarrassment, shamefaced. He covered his face with his hands and immediately ran out of the building. But this time, a large-built man followed closely, followed him into the car, and then went back to the condominium with him. After that, it was as you see.... that Plêrng whined excessively.
“I only found out just like Nông Plêrng, you know.”
"Huh?"
Plêrng turned to look at the large-built man who was still smiling widely, but those eyes clearly said he was innocent.
“No way, Ná. And what about acting cold to me?”
“I was hurt too, you know, when Nông Plêrng said we might break up. When I was close by, I almost grabbed you and hugged you many times. But if I did that, I wouldn't be allowing Nông Plêrng to have time to think about anything. So I had to distance myself... But it's true that Nông Andrea herself came to find me and told me to stay quiet and wait too.” Phîi Sǐndhu told him openly, and that made Plêrng make a mental note...
You (meung) can forget about getting my (Kuu) sister! Tricking me (Kuu) like this, Wá!
“And the person who was with you when Plêrng came?”
“That's Âi'Drew's junior. That Drew just asked him to deliver something to me.”
You (meung) are dead, both you (meung) and your (meung) brother! You damned-animal!
Plêrng's face grew more and more sullen. He walked to throw himself down on the sofa, then opened his mouth to cry.
“I thought you would have someone else.” Plêrng complained.
The manner in which Phîi Sǐndhu moved to sit beside him and pulled him up to sit on his lap—Plêrng might whine a bit, but he wouldn't refuse, you know. Then he wrapped his arms around his neck without stubbornness, only his face said he was about to cry.
“But I am also thankful to our friends.”
“Thank them for what?” Plêrng said spitefully.
“Because they made Nông Plêrng say he loves me.”
“I...”
The person who was bold in every matter lowered his head until his chin almost touched his chest, pressing his lips together tightly.
“I'm sorry, Phîi Sǐndhu. Plêrng thought-deeply, but too much on my own.” He admitted he was wrong about everything. Then the little-one began to tell the other about his own uncle's story—how his uncle dated a man, broke up because that person messed around with a woman until she got pregnant, which caused his uncle to lose himself for a period, with a child only ten years old seeing almost everything with his own eyes. And that made him afraid to have a deep relationship with anyone.
Phîi Sǐndhu also listened attentively, then asked one question.
“And are you still afraid now?”
"Definitely Afraid." Plêrng answered outright, but continued saying....
“But I'm more afraid of losing you, Phîi Sǐndhu. When I don't have you, I suffer. Matters of the future are matters of the future, Hòe. I know we have the right to break up. But if right now I'm happy sitting on your lap, sitting astride this log here like this, then I don't want to care anymore whether the future has to be like Uncle's or not.” He told the other every bit of what he felt, while the large-built man hugged him tighter, stroking his hair affectionately and fondly.
“I myself won't use words like forever or eternity either, Nông Plêrng. I don't know what will happen with us. But one thing I can tell Nông Plêrng now is...” The large-built man raised his hand to wipe his reddened eyes very gently, then pressed a heavy kiss onto his soft cheek, saying in a pleasant voice.
“I love you, you emotional mess.”
This is the feeling of loving and being loved. The feeling he wouldn't trade for anything.
Plêrng thought this while breaking into a wide smile, nestling into the large-built man's chest, closing his eyes contentedly, willingly being an emotional mess in Phîi Sǐndhu's eyes, and then said....
“Same here, Khrap, Phô of the log.”
As for whether Phîi Sǐndhu understood or not, it didn't matter, because anyway, he already loved him completely, both body and heart.
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