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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem
The sky outside is completely dark by the time I return to the dorm in a state of extreme exhaustion. It's not just because of the mental fatigue from what happened this morning, along with the massive debt that has jumped on me, making it hard to breathe. Oh, and not to mention getting poked by a flying sausage again. But the main reason I'm this tired is because of the extra part-time work I took on.
Today, don't even ask how many piles of clothes I folded.
Must be hundreds!
Many people have probably seen in clothing stores where clothes are folded and lined up in beautiful stacks. Well, don't think for a second they come in that perfect, pristine condition. It's human hands, Khráp. These two hands of mine, Khráp, are the ones that fold, arrange, and organize them all. And because I've helped my Mâe with housework since I was little, folding clothes is child's play to me. I just... ended up folding clothes the most beautifully in the store.
I win, Khráp. Maybe no one knows, but clothing stores actually have folding competitions, you know? And I, the idiot, ended up...
... being the best. So, setting up new displays, arranging new clothes, changing seasons... I, Khráp, am the one folding clothes until my hands ache.
Today is no different. I don't know why problems keep rushing in so relentlessly. Changing shelves, dealing with stock, dealing with annoying customers, dealing with gossipy coworkers... In conclusion, today... I (kuu) am utterly exhausted.
Fweep.
To put it briefly... I pull my cellphone closer, open the application, and type into the group chat.
[I will not be hosting the show tonight, Khráp... ]
Then I turn it off and toss it aside. I'm too tired to sell myself any further. Because even if I hosted the show now, I believe no one would enjoy my company—with my scowling face, furrowed brows, unpleasant speech, and no energy to please anyone. It's better if I don't want to lose listeners; it's better if I just cancel.
Finally, I drag my body to take a shower, then collapse onto the soft bed. And then I ask myself...
Why do I (kuu) have to work harder than other people my age, Wá?
That's right. Even though it's just me and my Mâe, it's not like she doesn't work. She has her own income, her own money. My stepfather works too. Even though he doesn't have a high-ranking position or a high salary, they are both willing to support and raise me until I graduate. So why am I exhausting myself like this? Wouldn't it be better to just take the money and go have fun like my faculty friends?
Whap-whap!
I shake my head at the thought. Then I look up at the photograph on the bedside table... a picture of my Phôo, my Mâe, and a much younger me.
"I (kuu) am doing it for my Mâe, after all."
Now my Mâe has a complete, happy family again. So I, an outsider, shouldn't disturb them more than necessary. The fact that she accepted and raised me, who isn't her real child, for over ten years is more than enough. And now I'm old enough to have the strength to work, the strength to earn money. There are many people worse off than me. Why shouldn't I be willing to endure this hardship?
"Siiighhh"
Finally, I close my eyes, pushing all thoughts out of my head. I want to fall into slumber as quickly as possible and be ready for work tomorrow. But...
Ah, ah, ah...
Gasp!
"Fuck!" Here we go. As soon as I close my eyes, the images I had forgotten come swirling back into my head... images of a person.
That's it. My eyes fly open. I shake my head violently and swear out loud. Because it's not just the image of that large man looming over me from behind, inserting, thrusting, playing a thump-thump-thump-thump rhythm. The sounds come too. This is even more high-tech than that damned Khǎi's fucking television!
"No, no, no, no! You Âi'Thǎem, no! You (meung) are just having a nightmare. Go back to sleep, you (meung), okay?"
I wave my hands in the air, telling myself it's because my mind is idle that old images are entering my head. If I try not to think about anything, I'll probably just fall into a good dream. Until I close my eyes again.
"Ah..ah..Ha.. Sob-sob-sob... Ugh...
No, no, no! Chant, you Âi'Thǎem, chant!
"Hahk... Hahk... I'm full!"
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato...
'Grrrooowwwl'
Samma sambudd...
Bhnnnnnnnn
"Shit-lizard!!!"
I shoot up from the bed almost instantly, shaking my head whap-whap-whap in disbelief.
Those images are still swirling in my head. And what I'm seeing now isn't just the intensely passionate faces of those two porn actor guys. No, what fills my vision are the connecting parts linking those two people.
I see... a sausage thrusting down, stabbing into a donut hole with a loud Thump-thump-thump-thump!
"Ouch! You Âi'Thǎem, you Âi'Crazy! What the hell are you thinking, Wá!"
A man, I curse myself. I can't accept this. I never thought I'd think about that thing. That thing! That thing of his!
Slap!
I rub my head vigorously, wanting to forget, wanting to sleep. But I can't. Down below... it's up.
"Just go to sleep, Wá!" I whisper to it in a tone like a defeated person. I really feel like crying, that I ended up feeling something for that, when I don't feel anything at all towards a woman's body.
I don't know why, really. Maybe it's because I've lived with just my Mâe since my body started entering puberty. I have handed her her underwear and handled her her bra. Sometimes I've even opened the door and seen her while she's getting dressed. But I never felt anything. It was like looking at myself, like it was something I was already familiar with. Even when friends shoved those kinds of movies at me and the camera would always zoom in on the woman, I was still pretty indifferent. But this is the first time, you see, that I've watched a movie with two men.
And it told me that: I (kuu) feel fucking weird!
"aaahhh!"
I bang my head against the pillow several times, but it doesn't stop. Down below gets even hotter, my heart beats even faster, my face feels like someone is holding a fire to it. Simply put, I... want it, that's all.
A feeling that hasn't visited for months, because I've spent all my time working and never stopped to think about this. But as soon as something stimulates me, I... have to surrender to the nature of my body.
"I give up. I (kuu) give up, Khráp. I (kuu) can help you, okay?"
I lie back down again, pull the blanket up to my neck, then slip my hand underneath my sleeping shorts. I close my eyes, trying to do everything as fast as possible. And it would be even better if my head wasn't thinking about anything. But no such luck...
It comes in HD resolution.
I bite my lip a little tighter as I move my hand. My breath starts getting hot. My body takes control of my brain, which makes the images in my head feature those two men doggy-style posing for the porn camera with abandon. The moans echo in my head until I almost choke, because they get louder and louder, just like my speeding hand.
Close... close... just a little more...
I know this is the feeling before finishing. I'm so happy I'll finally get to sleep.
"Hah... Hah... Just a bit more... "
The end is right there. It's like a light at the end of a tunnel, just a little further to run. But...
Shall I help?
Gasp!
Whoosh!
I am stunned, my eyes wide open in an instant. My mouth is clamped shut, my heart is racing, the little worm is about to release its thread. And suddenly, the image I see is... that ruthlessly handsome, yet terrifyingly calm face that flashes into my mind.
The face isn't enough, you (meung) come with a full surround sound system too!
It comes with both image and sound!
But the most fucked-up thing in my imagination is... ice cream with overflowing filling, the little worm releasing its thread, a steamed bun with bursting filling, a cheese-oozing sausage. The one I'm talking about... is me (kuu)!
"I finished because of the shit-lizard, Wá!"
I throw the blanket off my body, utterly unable to accept that my body released every last drop while that guy's face was in my head. I can only look down at my own stomach. My hand, smeared with the white fluid, moves to my navel. No, I didn't smear it down there; I'm not that crazy. Just... gauging the size.
"You Âi'Shit-lizard! Just how much bigger than me (kuu) are you, Wá!"
I get goosebumps all over when I think of that hot thing pressed against my stomach. And for heaven's sake, the sensation of it pressing down told me exactly how big it was. And I, who has to work with it again for who knows how long, think I can't escape. That big thing really stabbed its way in. I think this time my guts will rupture, I'll have to be carried to the hospital!
But...
"Why are you awake again, my junior?"
I'm not talking to any child. I'm talking to my own little worm, which, when I thought about ruptured guts, why the hell did it nod in agreement, Wá!
This time I tell you straight, I hate that Khun Khǎi to the depths of my bones!
***
Even though I pray for Sunday to have a hundred hours, the sun still sets, and a new day, Monday, arrives. Which means it's the first day of my new job. And it's the epitome of bad luck that I only have classes in the morning. Just when I planned to feign sickness and go in the late afternoon...
Twing
"... What time are you coming in? Class is over already... "
Âi'Despicable somehow knew I was done with classes!
What can I do? I'm not one to break a promise. So, I have no choice but to take the bus, fighting through the terribly congested traffic, to his condo. I console myself that coming at noon is good, because if I came in the evening, he could use the conducive atmosphere as an excuse to go too far. Insurance, bloody fucking won't pay for loss of virginity!
With that thought, I let out a long sigh, walk with my head down through the lobby where they already know I'm coming, and take the elevator up to the higher floor. But today I come prepared.
Fweep
I put on the long waterproof rubber gloves that reach my arms (borrowed from the university janitor aunt (Pâa), of course) and the face mask (which I got for free from the infirmary). With the thought that he can't see my face, even if I inadvertently make a punchable expression, I should survive.
Another thing, if he tries anything, I'll just smack him in the face with these rubber gloves first.
After hesitating for a long time, I finally press the buzzer.
Ping! "You're here?"
Maybe not, I'm just standing here suffering.
I mumble under my breath, glad I'm wearing the mask, and even happier that today the person who opened the door is dressed like a gentleman receiving a guest.
Today, my Mâe's relative is wearing a dark-colored button-up shirt with only the top button undone, and slacks, as if he's going to work somewhere. But since I can see his hair is messy and unkempt, I can conclude that this rich guy probably isn't going to work, or maybe he dresses like this regularly. I can't help but make a face.
Wasteful! Do you (meung) know that button-up shirts need ironing, and because they need ironing, they waste electricity!
"And what's this getup?"
"Because I am here to clean."
"My house isn't a sewer drain."
Huh?
I am left speechless when he looks down at the two rather shabby-looking gloves. And that terrifyingly calm gaze makes me reluctantly take the gloves off, feeling the cool air conditioning hit my hands which are starting to sweat.
Slap
"Your (thooe) sweat is showing."
"Hey! Why are you grabbing me!" Of course I'm wary when this guy suddenly grabs my hand and pulls me into the room. I want to struggle, but I'm embarrassed for him. For all I know, the hallway has CCTV, and he might think I'm his Mia. So, I just let out a sound of protest as I reluctantly walk into the room, while shaking my hand vigorously.
"Here." But that large-bodied, big-sausage (?) guy isn't fazed at all as he hands me something, making me startle violently.
Oh, it's not a condom. Just a tissue.
"Your (thooe) arm is full of sweat. Wipe it off, then get to work."
He says it flatly, which makes me quickly grab the tissue box and take three steps back, looking at him somewhat warily. I'm about to open my mouth and ask why he grabbed my arm, but I'm too late, as my eyes inadvertently glance towards the spot where the large television used to be. And over there... it's gone.
"Uh, your television... "
"The repairman took it. Said the internal circuit board was hit and the screen is cracked. Buying a new one might be easier."
I (kuu) have shrunk to just one finger now.
I am speechless, because that day, after I rushed off to work, I had a little time left, so I stopped by the electronics floor to look. And I found out that the model he uses... costs one hundred and sixty-five thousand.
Not one hundred and sixty-five Baht, mind you... one hundred and sixty-five thousand Baht exactly. But the staff said if the accumulated points on the card equal the price of the item, you get another ten percent discount.
You Âi'Shit-lizard! What kind of crazy person has hundreds of thousands of points on their credit card, Wá! It isn't me (kuu) one of those who only has an ATM card?
So, if I don't shrink now, when will I?
"Then I... will get to work... "
I mumble softly, looking around at the clothes scattered everywhere, no different from before, and feel a little relieved that at least there's still something I can do to pay off the debt. Otherwise, with a debt like that, I don't know if I'll ever be able to pay it back in this lifetime.
The room owner just nods at my words.
"Mmm. But I probably won't be around to watch today."
Whap
The moment I hear this, my eyes go as wide as goose eggs. My heart beats rik-rik-rik, hoping with all my heart that he's going out, going to do whatever crazy thing he wants outside. But all hope is extinguished because...
"I will be working in the room."
"Ah... "
"Call me if you need anything. You (thooe) can enter and exit any room as you please. But do not enter my work room... Agreed?"
"Uh... "
"Agreed?"
"Agreed!"
Of course I have to quickly accept, because his already scary face is turning intensely severe, acting like he wants to bite my throat already. I can only nod vigorously, because I certainly won't be looking for any more trouble than this. Whether his room has sex toys, porn, or inflatable dolls, I won't go anywhere near them.
And as soon as I agree, he smirks, then turns and walks back to a room that I already know is the work room... the same room the phone rang from last time.
"Sigh, so damn tense." Once the room owner is out of sight, I let out a sigh, collect myself, and finally start today's work.
It's not that difficult.
With Khun Khǎi not around, the work of just cleaning the house becomes very easy for me. So, I slowly gather the clothes, this time being extremely careful to make sure there's nothing lying underneath them, and stuff them into the laundry basket. The only problem is the small underwear that I have to... pick up with tongs.
Don't expect me (kuu) to use my own hands to pick them up. I have rubber gloves, so what am I afraid of?
I carefully use the gloves to pick up those terrifying-looking pieces of covering and throw them into the basket. I don't even dare to look and see what size they are. Then I start carrying the basket around to the various rooms, starting to get a better idea of what's in this huge place.
A living room, a separate toilet without a bathing area, a large kitchen, a dining room, two more bedrooms, and even a home theater room with a television even bigger than the previous one. I can't help but wonder why he watches porn discs in the living room, then.
"Whatever. Doesn't concern me (kuu)."
I shrug and continue gathering clothes until I reach... the other bedroom.
"Are you (meung) going to be rich or what, having three bedrooms for what!?" I am grumbling like a bear eating honey. I truly don't understand rich people. Why do they need so many spare bedrooms when he lives alone? But this room seems to be the master bedroom. And how do I know?... Because it's the messiest, that's how.
The other rooms are like home decor magazines. It's just this room that's an absolute mess.
"Fine, whatever. Gathering the clothes and making the bed should make it better." Luckily, this room doesn't have leftover food scraps lying around, just items scattered everywhere. So, it shouldn't take long to clean up. With that, I get to work. Throw that piece, place this one, walking corner by corner, clearing section by section. Soon, the beautiful wooden floor of the bedroom is visible. But...
"What the?"
Something red peeks out from under the bed, so I bend down to look and pull it out.
"What is this?" I turn it left and right, not understanding what this device that looks like a muzzle for a dog is. The part that straps is a thin black leather strap, soft to the touch. But the part in the middle that replaces the dog muzzle is a round, red ball. I frown in confusion.
While I'm still puzzled by the first one, I place it beside me for now, because it seems there's more under the bed. I bend down and feel around inside, my touch landing on something else, so I pull it out.
"A whip... or something?"
The second one looks like a whip I've seen in movies. I'm confused about how a dog muzzle and a whip ended up here. So I pick up the next item.
"Hup, got it."
Thunk
Huh?
I'm very confused because as soon as I grab it, I accidentally press something on the thing in my hand, and it starts vibrating violently. I pull it out, thinking it might be some kind of muscle relief massager. But as soon as I pull it out into the sunlight, making it clearly visible...
A sausage that can vibrate!!!
My eyes go wide, my body freezes stiff. My hand is still gripping the thing tightly from the shock. I'm looking at this object shaped like that thing, err, a black-matte battery-operated sausage. A size that could make my guts flow... and it vibrates!!!
At that second, I want to confirm once again that the room owner... is a psycho!
Bang!
"What happened!?"
But my bad luck doesn't end there, because... the psycho has arrived.
All I can do is turn my head towards the room owner like a robot again, while shaking my head vigorously. I don't know what expression I'm making, and he probably can't see it because of the face mask. But little does he know that I (kuu) am gaping. Gaping wide. As much as the thing in my hand is vibrating like crazy, shaking wildly.
"What are you playing at?"
Whap-whap-whap
I (kuu) am not playing! It turned on by itself!
I can only hold the inedible sausage out in front of me, shaking my head hard to say 'Take your thing back. Take it. Go play with whoever, take it away. Don't involve me (kuu).' Meanwhile, it's both vibrating and spinning in my hand to the point I feel like crying. It's a small relief that Khun Khǎi accepts it easily.
"Then turn it off."
Your (meung) face is already perfectly calm, you Âi'Crazy!
Even though I saw it with my own eyes this time, I don't have a single thought about blackmailing him in my head. Because judging from his expression, he must feel nothing at all. Even though I curse him as a psycho and consider posting a warning notice on Facebook.
"That... what is that!"
Now that the evidence is gone, I can manage to make some sound, so I can only mumble timidly. And the owner replies simply...
"A dildo. Don't you know it?"
A dil-what? Is it like a dodo?
Whap-whap-whap
I shake my head so hard it almost falls off. And I also glance... look down and see the other items placed on the floor.
And what's that, Wá?
"That's SM play equipment."
Huh? SM! I (kuu) only know the Korean music company!
I want to retreat to the farthest edge of the world, but in reality, my legs are frozen in place. My mouth is hanging open as if to speak, but no words come out. And he probably doesn't see it, because he steps forward, picks up the two items to show me. And I witness it, Khráp, what that dog muzzle is!
"This one is used to gag a person... like this."
You (meung) take it far away! Take it far, far away!!!
Right now, he's placing that leather piece near the edge of my lips. I can only glance down with extreme terror because I can't move. And then he picks up that whip, tosses it into the air, catches it with his hand, and says in a flat, monotonous voice that seems indifferent to these things.
"This is for whipping when setting the mood."
Will you (meung) ask me (kuu) if I even want to know or not!
I shake my head whap-whap-whap, like 'I (kuu) don't want to know, please take it far away from my face, far from my feet, far from my hands.' But he doesn't think so, does he? Because Khun Khǎi is now picking up the vibrating sausage and pressing the button to turn it on again.
The sound of the machine echoes loudly in my head. And he even explains further.
"As for this, it's used to substitute for a phallus. To add color to one's love life, or just to relieve boredom."
What? Phallus! What are you saying? Huh? What are you saying!!
I protest loudly in my mind, looking at that huge black object of immense size. I can't help but think that if it were used as a knife, stabbing me in the stomach, it would probably go straight out my back. But it seems Khun Khǎi isn't satisfied with just explaining, Khráp. Right now, he's bringing that thing closer, so I can only mumble.
"That... that's for women... right... "
I whisper the question and think I'm so stupid, because last time I saw a gay porn movie right in this room. So how could this be used with a woman?
"It can be used that way too."
"Phew. Heh heh, is that so? So it's for women, right?" I feel relieved. My voice is returning. The mouth under the mask is starting to smile. Because it means I have no connection whatsoever to that crazy equipment.
And it's not for men. So this psycho probably won't use it on me. But before I can even smile fully...
"Men can use it too. Right here."
You Âi'Shit-lizaaard! Why are you demonstrating on my ass!!!
I am trembling, shaking, on the verge of tears, as the vibrating sausage comes... pressed against my butt crack.
Oh right, Khráp! Right now, this guy is pressing the vibrating thing against the crack of my buttocks, looking like he really wants to explain. But who asked for a demonstration, Wá, that you shove it in here? And I tell you, there's no way, no chance in hell it's getting in there.
Don't you know that's a one-way street!
I want to scream in his face, but I am still, frozen, trembling. And that thing is vibrating against my butt, making me want to beg him to stop. Please don't do this, please don't hurt Thǎem anymore. I look at him with pleading eyes, but my Mâe's relative is shaking his head. Then he moves it from my butt and places it against... my balls.
My balls! My baby! Vibrating right against my flesh!!!
"Huk!"
That's what pushes my stress to the limit, compounded by lack of sleep. As he leans in close until I see his ruthlessly handsome face mere breaths away, accompanied by that crazy toy pressed against my balls, his deep voice whispers softly.
"Want to try?"
I just... Whump ... collapse in a heap right in front of him.
"Hey! Chôoe-Tǎem!!!"
I don't know if he catches me or lets me fall and crack my head on the floor. The only thing in my head right now is: I (kuu) will call the police! I (kuu) will tell my Mâe! I (kuu) will tell the whole world that you (meung) are a sex-crazed maniac!!! Sob I don't want to be in this room anymore!
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