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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem
The atmosphere in the suite is very quiet. So quiet I can hear my own sobs, clear in both my ears.
“Nông Thǎem... will not do... ”
Right now, the only thing in my head is the large amount of money floating out of my pocket. I should just apologize. Where do I have it? I told you I have only saved up half the tuition money so far, my salary has not come out yet, the money from the gig is not in yet, but I just have to go and break the television, a hundred thousand baht per unit, right in front of everyone.
So, if I do not sell a kidney, I will have to sell my body to pay the debt this time.
Lâe! The thought makes me shake my head immediately. Because I am not selling either my kidney or my body.
“Thǎem... no, really no... ”
I sob. I am not acting cute to ask for sympathy like in the gig room now. But, the bloody fucking emotion is really hitting me full force, I can really feel that I am about to burst into tears. Which...
“What do you (thooe) mean ‘no’? I (chǎn) see it with my (chǎn) own two eyes.” Âi'guy said.
[[Translator's Note: The Thai pronoun เธอ (thooe) is a singular pronoun that can mean either "you" or "she" depending on context. It is informal and used between people of relatively equal status, often implying a degree of familiarity. It is commonly used in romantic relationships, between friends, or when addressing someone slightly younger. Its tone is softer and more personal than the formal "คุณ (Khun)" for "you" and more specific than the general "เขา (Kǎo)" for "he/she."]]
Âi'owner of the room probably will not let this opportunity slip away, because he (man) steps in close to me again. it makes me shake my head vigorously.
[[Translator's Note: The Thai word มัน (Man) is a third-person pronoun meaning "it," used primarily for animals, objects, or abstract concepts. When used to refer to a person, it is highly derogatory and dehumanizing, implying deep contempt. So next time you feel the urge to use it on Hin, Tul, catch a bubble.**]]**
“No, just my body... my body moves on its own."
Woe! Âi'Thǎem! Why are you (meung) admitting it, you (meung) shit-lizard hand of yours (meung) is the one that slams the remote control!
The thought makes me lift my head to look. I realize right now that the image of that handsome-but-evil face is completely blurry. it means I have definitely started crying. While he (man) himself reaches out for me, making my hair stand on end. I want to retreat, but right now the guilt is stabbing through my heart too much to retreat.
Is Nông Thǎem really going to lose his virginity?
Peck
Gasp!
Suddenly, Khun Khǎi's hand reaches out and touches my cheek, making me startle violently. I want to slap it away, but for the same reason as before... I am afraid the hundred-thousand-baht debt will be collected by him (man), plus compensation for bodily harm, until I stand stiff, saying in a faint, wavering voice,
“I... I'm sorry."
Screw it all this second, whether it is me, Thǎem, or Nông Thǎem. I just hope he (man) will mercifully let me go with all my parts intact. I agree to impersonate Nông Thǎem and put it in for him (man), there!
“Why are you (thooe) sorry?”
He (man) still asks in a blunt tone that means... he (man) is bloody fucking angry.
“I did not do it on purpose.”
Hold up! I (kuu) really do not intend to listen to the TV, but it is you (meung), what the hell is wrong with you (meung), watching gay porn!
The thought makes me pause. Because yes, this is not solely my fault at all. The whole thing happens because this Âi'horny is watching who-knows-what in the living room.
For things like this, Âi'Ker teaches me you (meung) have to watch it in the bedroom (?) Is that not right? Therefore, he (man) is the one who is at fault.
Right now I try to gather my scattered brains to find a reason to save myself, and that makes me unaware that...
“Do not grab!”
From touching my cheek, he (man) is now stroking my hot cheek playfully, until I almost jerk away. I see his (man) gleaming eyes, which make me quickly rattle out a refusal, hoping I can get out of this.
“Bu... but it is your (thooe) fault!”
Yeah, I admit I really break his (man) stuff, but anything that can reduce it from a hundred thousand to ten thousand, I (kuu) will take this murky water excuse.
“I (chǎn)?”
Âi'Khun Khǎi raises his (man) eyebrows, making a face like he (man) does not know where he (man) goes wrong at all, until I have to say in a trembling voice, “it is you (thooe)... you (thooe) are the one watching a po... I mean, a ga... well, that movie, that is it. it is because of you (thooe).”
I cannot get a single word out. Both ‘porn’ and ‘gay’. My face is burning fiercely because the image of people doing doggy style flashes into my head until I have to... cover my face.
“Whose fault is it that someone brings a movie like this to watch in the living room, I ask? Anyone who sees it would be shocked.”
“Is that so? I (chǎn) should watch it in the bedroom then?”
He (man) asks back, until I want to scream loudly, want to ask if he (man) intentionally leaves the disc playing, right? He (man) must know, right, that I will turn it on, that I will have to be stunned, and then I will be so embarrassed I will not know what to do, ultimately causing the TV to break... a thought that even I know I am just imagining.
Who is crazy enough to know whether I will step on the remote or not? Therefore, he (man) is the Âi'horny who watches porn so blatantly like this!
“So it is my (chǎn) fault.”
If you (meung) accept it, then it is your (meung) fault!
I (kuu) want to say that, alright, but I cannot get it out. Because Mâe teaches me that I should not push my own fault onto others. A real man must dare to do and dare to accept. But right now... Let us split the fault fifty-fifty.
“You (thooe)... you (thooe) share some of the blame too.”
I try to fight his (man) gaze by lifting my face and teary eyes to look into his (man) emotionless eyes. My hand wipes my cheek, hoping he (man) will agree to listen. But then, the face resembling a Hong Kong mafia boss... smirks.
“Then I (chǎn) guess I (chǎn) have to help.”
“Tha... that is right, you (thooe) have to help too.”
I respect myself a lot for being scared to death but not backing down this much.
The owner of the room falls silent for a moment in response, then he (man) nods. A manner that would almost make me relieved, if it is not for...
Squish
Grab
Suddenly I feel something grab onto the lower part of my body, making me startle violently. Then my face tilts down to look. My brain still does not believe the body’s sensation, but when I look down and see it with my own eyes, I freeze. I freeze, I freeze completely. Because... his (man) hand is grabbing the crotch of my pants!!!
“Then I (chǎn) will help.”
Gaaah! No! No, no, not like this!
it is not that I do not want to argue, but my voice will not come out of my mouth anymore. Even my arms and legs have no strength to move and push him (man) away. Because... I am shocked stiff.
How can I not be shocked this time? When I can swear that since I am born, if I do not count the nurses and doctors, only my late Phôo has ever touched this little worm. Even Mâe never has. So, this is the first time. The first time someone has grabbed this thing for me. And... a man!
A dangerous man who tells me... it is not safe anymore.
He (man) is going to take my body as payment for the debt!
“Just seeing this much and you (thooe) are already hard.”
Hard what? I (kuu) am not hard! I (kuu) am nooot!!!
"Ah!"
I deny in a lost voice (in my heart). Before I can even process whether it is really hard or not, I have to tremble and gasp when I... let out a strange cry from my throat.
I am crying now, while looking down at the pants’ crotch being kneaded.
"Sto... stop... "
“Well, you (thooe) say it is my (chǎn) fault. I (chǎn) am just taking responsibility.”
I am so scared I squeeze my eyes shut, when the owner of the room leans in until he (man) is close to the crook of my neck. Since when, I do not know. And what is crazy about him (man) having to whisper in my ear, blowing air into it until my hair stands on end? I press my lips together tightly, just as any sound is about to escape again, and downstairs... he (man) is stroking it playfully!
I (kuu) swear, I (kuu) will not fight, I (kuu) lose... se...
“Ah, no... I do not want it... ”
I try to refuse while also crying, but he (man) shows me no mercy at all, even whispering a hoarse, muffled voice by my ear, until... my whole body gets goosebumps.
“I (chǎn) leave it playing because of work, but I (chǎn) do not think you (thooe) get hard just seeing this much... I (chǎn) will take it out for you (thooe).”
No, you (meung) Âi'horny, no! Hoo, why does his (man) hand stroke so skillfully, Wá!?
My brain has really stopped working. Maybe because my body is starting to receive a new sensation it has never known in this life. I really do not know that when someone grabs down there, my face will flush hot, my heart will beat like crazy, my body will shake like a leaf, and... I will moan.
“So you (thooe) can be more comfortable.”
You (meung) are an Âi'old-lecherous!
"Sue, no... not... Sob... "
I can only curse him (man) in my heart. I do not care that this old guy is only 8 years older than me. But as long as he (man) keeps trying to seduce me with that low voice, like he (man) is tricking a three-year-old child, I think he (man) is an Âi'lecherous. And I am not a three-year-old child either, I am a twenty-one-year-old youth. And what he (man) is holding is not candy, it is my popsicle!
Therefore...
"More... "
I turn to look at his (man) face, along with... Bâe
My tears flow out, while I say in a trembling, quivering voice,
“No... do not want it... Nông Thǎem is scared... St... stop doing this to Nông Thǎem... just... do not do it... Ná... Sob... ”
I know it is pitiful, but the fear makes it slip out of my mouth like this. I can only look up with pleading eyes, trying to beg him (man) to stop doing whatever he (man) is planning to do. If I have more brainpower than this, I will bring up my Mâe, I will bring up being a person, a human, or anything to make him (man) stop. But what comes out of my mouth is only...
“Do not do it... to Nông Thǎem... I am scared already.”
What I get... I bâe, I cry, I shed tears, I beg him (man), hoping to ask for sympathy. But the thing...
What is poking my ass, Wá!?
I slowly look down slowly when I feel something pressed against my side. And that makes me...
“Whoaaa!”
Jumbo Big Bike Sized!!!
I cry out loudly, looking at the thing pressing against my thigh in shock. This is it, no need to beg, no need to plead anymore. Like this, I must... escape.
Shove
"Let go... let go, wôoi! Let go!!!"
At first I think I am shocked, but once I encounter the real thing pressed against my butt, that is it, wisdom arises from the coming of mindfulness. Escape first, and it shall be accomplished. Therefore, both hands push and shove, both feet try to retreat. My eyes are still staring blankly at the frighteningly large-sized thing, just as he (man) says in a strong voice,
“Do not struggle.”
If I do not struggle, I would be crazy! If it hits, will not my guts rupture or something!!!
“Let go, let Thǎem go! Mâe, help Thǎem!!!”
I struggle with all my might. Both hands try to push him (man) away from me. But because he (man) himself is also holding my arm tightly, when added to the messy pile of clothes, the thing I do not expect happens.
Squelch
“aaahhh!"
Crash
Crack
Yes, I slip. I fall down onto the pile of clothes. And it is no surprise that he (man) himself also falls along with me because we are still holding on tightly. But what makes me more than shocked, more than frozen, more than bloody fucking anything in the world combined is...
Snap
I am crying my eyes out, because... the sausage is poking my stomach.
Right now I think of the hot sausage that the 7-Eleven employee asks if I want it warmed up, ma’am, then turns the heat to the max, and that is what is being pressed against my butt. Do you (thooe) understand that it is bloody fucking hot? And... bloody fucking hard, I tell you (thooe).
“Why do you (thooe) struggle? You (thooe) made us fall.”
“We... well... ”
Well, it is you (meung), you (meung) Âi'Crazy!
I cannot speak, because moving makes the sausage move there. So, do not even mention cursing, I do not even dare to breathe. I can only look up at the ceiling. But because his (man) body is longer than mine, looking up is no different from looking at his (man) face. And, dear God, please help Âi'Thǎem.
"Hoe... Hæk... "
He (man) is panting. His (man) voice is trembling and muffled until I... blurt out loudly.
“Thǎem will not sell his body to pay the debt!!!”
Large teardrops flow down my cheeks. And it would probably earn the pity points of anyone and everyone, if it is not for that frowning, stern face, the eyes narrowed until my body shakes. And then he (man) says in an even stronger voice.
“What are you (thooe) talking about?”
it is you (meung)! What are you (meung) doing!
“Well... Thǎem breaks the TV... ”
“So what?”
Well, is not it because of the TV, Wá, that you (meung) are pinning me down like this!
“I will work for you (thooe)... Sob... do not want to... scared... ”
The listener’s eyebrows almost knit together, adding to the fear twice over. After that, he (man) shakes his (man) head.
“You (thooe) have the wrong idea.”
I (kuu) have the most correct idea ever. The evidence is right on my stomach.
"Hoe e e e"
Do not you (meung) move! it is touching!
This time I fall completely silent. I suck in my stomach to the best of my ability, escaping from the most dangerous object of my life. The person pinning me on top of my body lifts a hand to brush through my messy hair, which is not styled like when I left home. Then he (man) lets out a huge, gasping sigh, until I want to ask if, before saying anything, he (man) could take it out first. I mean, my navel, if it could protest, it would probably say it loses its purity already.
“I (chǎn) am not making you (thooe) sell your (thooe) body to pay the debt. it has nothing to do with that TV at all. But I (chǎn)... Hoe.” He (man) looks down into my eyes, then glances downward.
“You (thooe) are turned on. I (chǎn) am just going to help.”
Who! Who is turned on? I am not!
“And you (thooe) say your (thooe)self for me (chǎn) to help.”
Your (meung) Phôo's house!
I deny it hitting my head against the wall. I do not think I am turned on. If it is not for him (man) moving his (man) hand to touch it, making me startle violently, I press my lips tight, afraid any sound will escape, as a confirmation that the short gay porn makes someone who does not usually let loose like me... turned on.
However, is he (man) going to say that everything he (man) does is because he (man) sees I am hard, sees I beg for help, so he (man) is going to help release it... that is it?
“I do not believe it.”
Anyone who believes it is crazy. Who helps someone like this when they can feel it themselves?
I shake my head vigorously. Even if my head is cut off and my feet are broken, I will not believe it. I feel that I am still in no less danger than before, until I have to... raise my hands in a wai.
“Let Thǎem go, please... do not do this to Thǎem. For the sake of... Sob... Thǎem's Mâe.”
Large teardrops are still flowing nonstop. And he (man) looks at me thoughtfully, then sighs... in frustration too.
Âi'Khun Khǎi is frustrated like this because I bring up my Mâe, right? And it must work, right? So he (man) is frustrated that he (man) has to let me go. And if that is the case, how can I believe he (man) has pure intentions? Furthermore...
Fìip
The tall, large body uses both hands to press down on either side of my head, forcing our gazes to meet, until my body stiffens, my toes inadvertently dig into the floor, I turn my face away, while Âi'Khun Khǎi leans down until he (man) is close to the crook of my neck.
Then he (man) says in a decisive voice, “I (chǎn)... will not let you (thooe) go.”
I (chǎn) am so scared I (chǎn) am about to piss myself. I (chǎn) think I (chǎn) am done for. Today, I (chǎn) am definitely going to get it. Even bringing up my (chǎn) Mâe does not work. Until I (chǎn) have to squeeze my (chǎn) eyes shut, unable to escape my (chǎn) fate. But who would have thought...
“Go use the empty room to take care of it.”
The burning heat pressed against my waist has already disappeared, until I can only open my eyes blurrily to look. And I find that the speaker has already stood up, and is also pointing to one of the rooms in here. I, who am lying down in a defeated state, my body weak, can only blink hard, looking at the person who turns back to meet my eyes again, then asks...
“Or do you (thooe) want me (chǎn) to help?”
Whoosh
Thump, thump, thump!
Slam!!!
That is it. I do not wait for him (man) to ask a second time. With all the strength I have, I propel myself into the room without holding back. My hands are shaking uncontrollably, even when pressing the door lock. Before I pant heavily, finding that I... am safe.
I am free from the clutches of the evil demon!
The thought makes me almost slide down to the floor in a heap. But because I turn the other way, I see a reflection in the mirror that makes me pause, my mouth agape. I rush towards it, almost pulling the mirror off the dressing table, since...
This is my (kuu) face!!!
Right now my hair is completely messy, not to mention my face is flushed red down to my neck. My eyes, which anyone would say are sweet, are now wet until my eyelashes reflect the shimmering sunlight from outside. Both my cheeks are stained with tears, while my mouth is extremely red and scary from being bitten for a long time. Let alone my clothes that look like they have just been dragged into a struggle. Besides that...
“Here, go to sleep. Here, hoo e e!” I see it clearly with both eyes that downstairs... it is really hard.
The prominent bulge makes me can only pat it lightly, telling it to go to sleep, calm down, do not make me more ashamed than this. Just thinking of someone else seeing me in this state... I want to die and be done with it.
Right now I still know what my condition is called... provoking to stab, teasing to poke, like just ravish me already!
“Ouch, my (kuu) face looks like I (kuu) just lose my (kuu) virginity at the back door. Hoo, Mâe dear, what should Nông Thǎem do?”
How will I dare to face him (man) after this, Wá?
I might say I do not have the face to meet the room owner, but I also cannot just go back home. When he (man) is still waiting, lying in ambush in the living room. And I do not know what trick he (man) uses, the fragrant sausage from the oven has returned to its previous state. But his (man) placid expression looks even scarier, making me tremble, walking with my body close to the wall, my butt against the partition, both my hands clasped tightly together, and then I start... negotiating.
“I... I will work to pay you (thooe) back.”
“Not impersonating Nông Thǎem anymore?”
I (chǎn) fall completely silent. My (chǎn) face is hot right up to my (chǎn) ears. I (chǎn) remember using the pronoun when I (chǎn) am with Mâe, and it is so embarrassing, until I (chǎn) try to steer back to the original topic.
“I admit I broke it.”
Screw it, why should I (kuu) answer anyway?
The time used to calm my mind is not wasted for nothing. Once my mind is calm, my brain starts working, and I find that even if I try to escape to death, I cannot escape the fact that I really just break his (man) stuff. Therefore, the easiest method is to negotiate for a debt payment extension, better than scraping my side raw.
Ask Mâe. But... I also confess I have no money. I am thinking the same thing, that if it comes to the worst, I might have to...
Sue, no, cannot do that. My dear Nông was just born a few months ago. Mâe herself needs money too. Even though I have been bothering Mâe for so many years, now Mâe has her own family. I must absolutely not trouble Mâe.
I push the thought of asking Mâe for help out of my head. Even though I know Mâe is more than willing to help me, I do not want to add to her burden. Just this is tiring enough for Mâe already. So I have to handle this problem myself.
“But I also admit that I have no money.”
“I (chǎn) also say that... ”
“If you (thooe) wait for me to save up to pay the debt, it probably still will not be paid back in a year!”
I do not know what he (man) is going to say. Whether he (man) will throw money in my face or cancel the debt. But I do not want it. Being in debt of the heart might be even worse than being in debt in the form of money. And I do not want to be in debt to anyone in this world at all. So I speak in a louder voice to drown out his (man), then continue as if I already decide.
“I will work to repay you (thooe).”
This time the room owner is silent, as if saying... go on.
His (man) manner makes me take a deep breath. I know doing this is riskier to my purity than anything else, especially after encountering this crazy incident. But I have no choice.
“I will come do housework for you (thooe).”
“Huh?”
He (man) makes a surprised sound, until I try to put on the full soul of a persuading salesperson.
“We... well, these days you (thooe) have to hire a maid to do housework, right? You (thooe) just cancel it, and I will come do it for you (thooe) after school. I may not be a professional, but I think I can do it. And I will come more often too. I definitely will not let your (thooe) house become a rat’s nest, a cockroach nest like it is now.” I bite him (man) with my full words. And I am probably lucky that Âi'Khun Khǎi does not focus on that point.
“You (thooe) say you (thooe) will come do it after school?”
“Ah, uh-huh. How about three days a week?”
"Five."
Hâ? Then I (kuu) will not have to do fucking anything else!
I (chǎn) am stunned. Who would have thought he (man) will demand the whole week? But before I can argue...
“If it is three, it is the same as the maid here.”
Can it still get this messy even with three days a week, Wá?
I want to ask, but in the position of a debtor, I can only stay silent, looking at the person who expands on it with a placid expression, acting like a salesperson whose face is completely dead.
“In two days I (chǎn) make it messy.”
Then what can I do, besides...
“Five... okay then."
I just have to agree, Wá!
The thought makes my neck slump. I grit my teeth, grinding them, but he (man) smirks so much it is punchable.
From now on, I (kuu) have to see him (man) as many as five days a week, huh?
I feel discouraged just thinking about it. But I do not have time to be discouraged for long, because when I turn to look at the clock, it tells me it is time for me to go to my other job. So, I say in a faint, wavering voice, “But starting next week, okay? Today I will go back first, or I will be late for work.”
Having said that, I prepare to zoom off, but...
“Wait!"
I (chǎn) am really afraid of this word. But I can only turn back to look at the person who moves closer. I inadvertently glance downward, until my legs step back automatically. But it seems Âi'owner of the room is completely unaware that I extremely do not want to get close, because a large hand stretches out, making me say in a sullen voice,
“I do not want your (thooe) money.”
“No, it is not money. This is for you (thooe) to use.”
He (man) nods again as if telling me to open my hand. And even though I do not want to accept anything from Âi'Khun Khǎi, when I look down and see the tip of what is protruding from his (man) hand, I think it is probably candy or snacks. And it is at an acceptable level, until I bravely, fearfully, stretch my hand out, palm open in front of him (man).
“From seeing your (thooe) manner earlier, you (thooe) probably do not have one yet.”
it makes me even more suspicious, what does candy have to do with what happens earlier? Until I frown sharply.
Fìip
The thing in his (man) hand drops into my hand, until I have to narrow my eyes to look.
Wait a minute!?
At first I might think it is candy, but once I see it clearly with my own two eyes...
Splat
Go die, you (meung) Âi'Crazy! Who says I (kuu) want a condom to use, Wá!!!
From health education class... but this is a condom!!! A condom... definitely a condom. Even though I never bought one, never touched a real one, only ever see in...
That is it. I throw the thing in my hand to hit the face of my latest and only creditor in my life, cursing at the top of my voice. Then I bolt off. Am I going to wait for him (man) to catch and devour me or what?
While in my heart I ask myself...
And next time, will I (kuu) survive, Wá? By the time the debt is paid off, won’t I (kuu) have my guts ruptured a round or two?!
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