Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem
Knock knock knock
“Chôoe-Tǎem, are you asleep?”
I look at the tightly shut door, firmly locked, with eyes that don’t understand a single thing. My mind drifts to the unbearably awkward dinner. If Mâe hadn’t been there, I would have gotten up and fled, locking myself in the bedroom since that moment. But because Mâe was there, I forced myself to swallow my favorite food without tasting it.
Mâe must have sensed the strange atmosphere too.
If you're lonely, do you want to come back home to stay with Mâe?
I refuse Mâe in a soft but firm voice, until she is at a loss and can only look around, trying to chat with me to change the mood. But I can only answer questions mechanically, my mind drifting somewhere, I don’t know where, until Mâe sighs and looks at Phîi Khǎi with a slightly troubled expression.
Why does everyone think I am lonely? I am not lonely. I just... feel hurt.
That's it.
Phîi Khǎi must have known about this trip for a long time. Mâe must have known from being told every year. So why am I the only one who doesn't know? And when I do find out, it's only by chance because Mâe remembered.
He doesn't tell me anything.
So, after that dinner I forced myself to finish, I avoid everyone by doing the dishes, insisting to Mâe, who comes to help, that I'm fine, just shocked by the sudden travel schedule and speechless. Mâe must know I won't talk, so she agrees to leave first.
I know it's not good. Mâe made the effort to visit, to stay with me, to spend time with me, but I act foolishly towards everyone. Especially after Mâe goes downstairs, with Phîi Khǎi seeing her off, I hurry into the bedroom, lock the door completely, and sit hugging my knees, sighing in the corner of the room, until the homeowner comes knocking.
Right now, I don't want to talk to Phîi Khǎi at all.
It's not because I hate his face. But because... I like him too much. That's it.
Why doesn't Phîi Khǎi tell me himself? Why do I have to hear it from someone else, even if that person is my own Mâe?
I have heard that flying to America takes over twenty hours. Just the round trip takes two days already. And Phîi Khǎi definitely wouldn't go there for just one day and fly back. It must be longer than that. Just thinking that I have to stay alone in this spacious room for weeks...
Sigh
I bury my face deeper into my knees.
Is it so hard to tell me, Tǎem, that you have to travel?
Before, I might have refused to talk to Phîi Khǎi. But lately, everything has changed, Ná. We often have dinner together, talk more, spend time together, do things. We've even kissed. But Phîi Khǎi doesn't breathe a word about this to me. It makes me hate myself even more.
This is the anniversary of his parents' death. If someone forbade me from making merit for Phôo on his anniversary, I would be furious too. So I dislike this foolish feeling of dwelling on it simply because Phîi Khǎi wouldn't tell me himself. It makes me feel selfish and utterly disgusting.
Maybe it's true, like that Âi'Ker says. I am just a dog guarding a bone, after all.
“Where Phîi Khǎi goes is his business. He doesn't need to tell me a single word.” I repeat to myself, but my heart feels even worse. Because it makes me realize that even though we do many things together, he and I are nothing more than homeowner and employee.
Why would it be strange for him not to tell his employee anything?
The more I think, the more hurt I feel.
Knock knock
“Chôoe-Tǎem, can we talk for a bit?” Phîi Khǎi is still behind the door. I press my lips tight but shift to sit leaning my back against the door.
“Chôoe-Tǎem.” He must feel the impact when my back touches the door, because he calls out. But I still refuse to answer, just hug my knees tighter.
“You're right there, right?”
“I am sorry I didn't tell you (thooe).” Khǎi's voice is only a little away, but I feel he is frighteningly distant.
“Lately there have been many things, I myself forgot too. I only remembered a few days ago because a colleague mentioned it. I just booked the ticket. I intended to tell you (thooe) yesterday, but because that incident happened first... Sigh. But you (thooe) probably don't want to know, Sí.” Why wouldn't I want to know? I do want to know. I want to know very much.
“...”
But I refuse to open my mouth.
“I will put the food money in the box in the kitchen. As for your salary, I will give it to you (thooe) before the travel day.” Phîi Khǎi doesn't explain anything more. He mentions things I don't want to know at all.
Screw the food money or salary.
“Well then... good night.”
I hear the sound of his footsteps moving away, and that makes me hug myself tighter.
Is that all? Does Phîi Khǎi only have food money and salary to tell me about? He doesn't even tell me how many days he'll be gone. Does that mean only I am the one upset about having to stay alone for who knows how many days? Is only I sad just thinking about having to be apart from Khǎi... the person who is becoming more and more important in my heart?
I look up at the large bedroom of the condo. I used to think it was very big, but I didn't feel lonely. But just thinking that I will have to live in a bedroom this big, in a suite too spacious for one person, for several days, I get scared and close my eyes, hugging myself tight.
It's not a big deal, Tǎem. You (mueng) lived alone in a dorm for over a year. Being alone in Khǎi's (Phîi) room for just a few days is nothing. It's fine. It's fine.
It's scary, though. Getting used to having someone with you until you take it for granted makes being alone even harder.
Today, I can't follow the lesson at all. I just sit staring at the professor with a distant look. The lecture goes in one ear and out the other. I don't even know what my friends are chatting about. I just go to class, eat, go to class, and then return to the room with the hope of talking to Phîi Khǎi. But I find... he isn't there.
Since I came to live here, it's been rare that he isn't in the room. But today, he leaves a note saying he has gone out on business, don't wait to eat. I glance around the suite and find it incredibly vast, making me even more despondent.
So I still don't know how many days Phîi Khǎi will be gone.
“It's so damn big.”
I turn my back on the spacious suite, heat up the leftover rice and sour curry from yesterday, and sit eating quietly. My eyes keep glancing at the clock. Eight PM passes, nine PM passes, the homeowner still hasn't returned. I can only walk into the bedroom with an indescribable feeling.
“If you're not waiting, then why wait?! He didn't even tell me where he's going when it's far away!” I shout at the empty room, trying not to care what time Phîi Khǎi returns. But I can't deny that I lie in bed listening for the sound of the door opening, until I doze off without knowing when.
In the end, I still don't know when he returned.
***
“From Bangkok to San Francisco, it's 12,758 kilometers apart...”
“What the hell, Âi'Tǎem? You (mueng) have been staring at a world map all morning.”
I turn to look at my close friend who looks puzzled. It's not strange. I borrowed his cellphone since morning and have been checking this and that. Finally, I open a world map that shows the time in each country with an absent-minded look. Now, I slump my face onto the back of my hand, tilting my head to look at his phone, mumbling the distance I have memorized.
Thailand and America are on opposite sides of the world.
“It's so far, Âi'Ker.”
“What's wrong with you (mueng)?” Âi'Ker asks, confused. I put his phone face down on the table and sigh heavily, not answering. Because today is Wednesday... the day Phîi Khǎi travels.
I haven't talked to him at all. On Monday he wasn't there. Yesterday he was in the room. I heard sounds like packing. I hesitate whether I should go find him myself. But the hurt feelings pile up, and in the end I flee to my room again. But then I sit feeling upset thinking whether he has left the country yet.
Will he see my note?
...Have a safe trip, Khráp...
“Or has that Phîi Khǎi of yours done something to you (mueng) again?”
I freeze. Not to the point of turning to look at my friend's face, but I freeze. Then I tilt my face away to the other side. It's an implicit admission that it really is about someone named Khǎi, until I hear laughter.
“Oh, Nông Tǎem, if you (mueng) don't tell Phîi Ker, Phîi Ker can't help you (mueng), Ná.”
“As if telling you (mueng) means you (mueng) can help me (kuu).”
“Whether I can help or not, you (mueng) have to try and see.”
“Can you (mueng) make Phîi Khǎi not go to San Francisco, Rǔue?”
“Hey, don't tell me Sia Khǎi dumped you (mueng).”
[[Translator's note: "เสี่ย" (Sia) is a Teochew Chinese-derived term widely used in Thai slang. It's an informal but respectful term for "older brother," often used for a wealthy man, a boss, or someone with a mafia-like aura. It carries connotations of status and respect.]]
Whack
“Hey, I (kuu) am sorry! Put the phone down, Tǎem. I (kuu) just bought it a few months ago!”
I come to my senses when my friend is startled, making a move to lunge and grab the device from my hand. Only then do I realize I was about to throw a tens-of-thousands-of-baht phone at its owner. I have to take a deep breath, put it back, and curse at him.
“Phîi Khǎi didn't dump me (kuu)... didn't dump me (kuu)..."
Why does my voice tremble instead of cursing this damn neighbor? Until Âi'Ker, having gotten his phone back, frowns quickly, moves to sit next to me, and makes a serious face.
“Then why do you (mueng) make a face like you're afraid of being abandoned?”
I didn't know I was making such a face. I lower my head. Then, the discomfort makes me vent about what happened a few nights ago to my close friend. Âi'Ker himself doesn't interrupt or act like an annoying fucker. He just listens intently.
When I finish, he smiles and even reaches out to shake my head.
“Âi'Tǎem, Ooei.”
“Don't touch my head.” I dodge, displeased that he looks at me with such fondness, and finds it funny when the content isn't funny at all.
“Do you (mueng) realize how much importance you're placing on your Phîi Khǎi right now?”
“I (kuu) am not.”
“Hmm. Not at all. You (mueng) are just sitting here looking at the distance to the point of calculating how far apart you'll be, just because Phîi Khǎi says he'll be away for a few days. Plus, a serious student like you (mueng) sat still the whole class. Let me (kuu) ask, did you (mueng) take any notes for me (kuu) to photocopy today? Not a single one. I (kuu) had to take notes myself the whole class again.”
Âi'Ker still has the nerve to speak so unself-consciously. I want to punch his head. But his words make me quiet.
“And if I (kuu) hear correctly, you (mueng) are sitting here feeling hurt because you found out from your Mâe instead of from Phîi Khǎi. Let me (kuu) ask, right now, is Mâe your number one priority, or has someone replaced that position?”
“Mâe... Mâe is Mâe, no matter what.”
I argue falteringly, shaking my head, refusing to accept the truth.
No matter what, Mâe is the most important to me.
Âi'Ker doesn't argue about this. He just shakes my head gently.
“Let me (kuu) tell you (mueng) something. If you (mueng) are hurt, tell him directly. If you (mueng) are lonely, tell him. No one is going to have a revelation about what you're thinking. And if you (mueng) let this go, that Phîi Khǎi of yours will misunderstand that you (mueng) are angry he went to pay respects at his parents' grave, when in reality, you (mueng) are just attached to him.”
“I (kuu) am not attached to Phîi Khǎi.”
“Khráp, Khráp. Not attached, Khráp. Not at all. It's just that when Phîi Khǎi comes, friends be damned, little brothers be damned, you (mueng) don't care, you (mueng) run straight to the person you (mueng) used to hate, Ná.” Someday, I will really stab Âi'Ker's eyes with a pen. I hate his all-knowing look.
“And your Phîi Khǎi is probably upset too, Heh heh. Be careful, Âi'Tǎem.”
“What are you (mueng) talking about now?” I get more stressed, having to encounter his sly demeanor again.
“Be careful Phîi Khǎi thinks you (mueng) hate him so much that on this trip he brings back a blond hottie. Come to think of it, even though Phîi Khǎi has an Asian face, his build is Western-level. He must have foreigners falling for him, Nǎa.” I should really throw the phone at his head.
“So when is Phîi Khǎi leaving?”
“Today.”
“Huh?! Today!!!” I should probably laugh at seeing someone like Âi'Ker so startled. But I can't laugh. I nod and bite my lip, confirming softly.
“Hmm. Today.”
“What time?”
“I don't know. But probably... at the airport already.”
“And you (mueng) still haven't talked to him at all?!” I nod, looking at Âi'Ker's face which looks like he's about to scold me. But my expression must be bad enough, because he just sighs heavily.
“It's a good thing we were born in this era. How about sending him a message? When he gets there, he can call you (mueng) back.” I pull out my phone immediately, take a deep breath, believing my friend's words wholeheartedly, because I am at a loss on how to fix this myself.
But then I sit staring at the keypad, not knowing what to type.
I have many things to tell him, but I can't organize them.
Gasp
“See? Lucky we were born in this era. If you have something to say, tell him.” Right then, my phone rings loudly. Just seeing the name on the screen, Âi'Ker laughs knowingly, pats my shoulder twice, and then walks away elsewhere, while I answer without a second thought.
“Phîi Khǎi.”
The other side is silent, until I call his name again.
[You (thooe) answered. I thought I imagined it. That's a relief.]
I am silent, listening to the relief in his voice, and become speechless. Even though I want to tell him I am not angry he is going to visit his parents' grave, it's not that at all. I just wanted him to tell me himself. I just secretly feel hurt. But I am not angry.
How many days will Phîi Khǎi be gone... Will it be long... When will he return... Where will he go... Will you (thooe) miss Tǎem at all?
Many questions arise in my heart, but everything is stuck in my throat.
[I am at the airport now, about to board. I will be back next week because I have to stop by New York for work before returning. If you're alone, lock the house securely. Don't come back late. If you (thooe) want to eat anything, order it. I already told the condo staff to receive the delivery and bring it up for you (thooe). Make sure it's the staff before you open the door to receive it. I left the car keys for you (thooe) to use. If there's anything, call me anytime. I will answer. And thank you (thooe) for answering my call.]
I feel even more heat in my eyes because of his many words. All of it means he is very worried about me. Furthermore, he thanks me even though I am just a youth who gets hurt and is overly emotional. I, on the other hand, should be the one thanking him for calling before boarding.
[Well then... that's all.]
“Wait, Phîi Khǎi!” I call out loudly, not caring how other students look, hurriedly stammering.
“Tǎem isn't angry that you (Phîi) are going to visit your parents' grave, Ná. Tǎem... Tǎem just...” Knowing he is about to board, I can't organize my words. I can only turn around frantically looking for help, and then see my close friend. His words flash into my head. I take a deep breath and say what I want to say most.
“Have a safe trip, Phîi Khǎi, Khráp. And come back quickly... Phîi Khǎi makes me not want to be alone anymore.” I finally say it, and then hold my breath waiting for a reply.
[I will hurry back to our home, Ná.]
Phîi Khǎi hangs up, but it makes me lower my head, not wanting anyone to see I am making a face like I want to cry. The words Phîi Khǎi said when mentioning the home he once lost flash into my head. But he just said it, right? That now I am that home for him.
I shouldn't have been hurt and foolish. Otherwise, at the very least, I could have hugged Phîi Khǎi tight and said... Please hurry back, Khráp.
***
“Well then, let's end today's show with this song.”
I play a lonely, sad song to end the broadcast tonight after talking alone for over two hours. I've been teased by everyone that I'm free today, which is true. I am very free, Looei. Because instead of having to clean the room that someone always messes up, today everything is spotless. I don't have to cook. There are no pending reports. I am so free that I have to try to find things to do to keep from getting restless.
Before, I would broadcast like this, sometimes even three hours straight. But after moving in with Phîi Khǎi, at most it's an hour and a half, because there are many things to do. Before I know it, it's late. Before I know it, it's time to sleep....
It's already the second day since Phîi Khǎi left.
Creak creak
I sit still for several minutes before realizing I have been staring blankly at the new MacBook. I turn to look at the phone vibrating strongly, hurriedly grabbing it to look, hoping it's a short text from the man of few words. But it's someone else.... Phîi Whosomeone.
Whosomeone: Khun Chà-èem, what's wrong today? You were frowning like a baboon's butt.
I startle, quickly saying it's not true, Nǎa. I thought I kept a good face.
Whosomeone: Really? A face like mine doesn't lie, Rǒoe. You kept playing only sad songs until I felt heartbroken. Is someone chasing to bite your tail today? No, wait. Did Khun Chà-èem go chase to bite someone else's ear, Rǔue?
Normally, I would send angry stickers to anyone who calls me a dog. But this time, I just type a short reply: No, Khráp. It's nothing. I don't find Phîi Hu's words funny like every other time. And Phîi Hu must sense it, because he switches to serious mode.
Whosomeone: Is something wrong? You can tell me, Ná.
How can I tell him that I am just lonely, just don't feel like eating, just miss someone who hasn't contacted me even with a single text so much that I can hardly sleep?
In the end, I brush Phîi Hu off by just saying I am sleepy and wish him goodnight. Then I climb into bed and lie down. But it's like the night Phîi Khǎi traveled. My head only thinks: Has he arrived yet? Why hasn't he contacted me? Does he have any problems? Then I become despondent thinking, who are you (mueng) anyway, for him to have to contact and tell every move?
“I am the person who misses him very much, that's who.”
I bury my face in the pillow. But the warmth of the person who used to share this bed has changed to the cold of the air conditioner. I sigh heavily, trying to toss and turn. My head still only thinks of meaningless things.
Thump
“Ouch! What the hell, Âi'Tǎem?!” I sit bolt upright in bed, flipping the comforter to the other side irritably. I know I won't be able to sleep. I grab my phone, hesitating whether I should send something to Phîi Khǎi first. If he's free, he'll contact me himself. I close my eyes and type: It's midnight here, but Tǎem can't sleep...
Silence.
Five minutes pass. Ten minutes pass. He still hasn't replied. Until I close my eyes.
“Phîi Khǎi.” I whisper his name, then get up from bed, gaze into the darkness, and take a long stride without turning on the light, to leave the room, to turn towards the room on the other side, open the door, and then slip into the bed that is as big as the room I sleep in. But there is something different.
The scent of the person who sleeps here every night.
I have escaped to sleep in Phîi Khǎi's room.
Creak creak
I, burying my face in the pillow until I feel a bit more relaxed, immediately grab my phone, look at what appears on the screen, and the person who couldn't sleep no matter what, who was in such a bad mood that even a listener pointed it out, breaks into a genuinely happy smile. I hug my old phone tight, because on it appears a short text that only one person would send.
....It's late. Go to sleep. Good night...
I can't believe it's enough to make me fall into a deep sleep and have good dreams as wished by the man of few words.
***
“Phîi Tǎem, Khráp!!!”
“It hurts, Têl.”
“Phîi Tǎem, Phîi Tǎem, can we go play at your house, Âa?”
Today is another day I can't escape from my junior. Just as I walk out from the restroom, someone rushes over to jump and hug my neck, calling out in a sweet, affected voice until I have to push the eager face away.
“Hahaha! No five-thousand-baht salmon today, Têl. That Âi'Tǎem's Phîi Khǎi isn't home.” Âi'Ker, who followed, laughs, reaching out to wipe the junior's shirt. The little one doesn't get it, because he immediately makes a disappointed face, making me want to run away.
Are you disappointed about the salmon or about Phîi Khǎi? Answer properly, or I'll cut the line for sure.
I am startled by my own thought and have to quickly turn my face away.
“Where did Phîi Khǎi go, Phîi Ker?”
“He went...”
“Can't you (mueng) not know anything? He's just not here.” I am the one who cuts it short, ignoring my friend's knowing, sparkling look, and turn to look at my junior's face.
“There's nothing to treat you with, Ná.”
“Aww, Phîi Tǎem is a Misser, Âa! But it's okay. Têl says 'go play' means really go play, not go eat for free. Ah, but if it's free, I'll eat, Ná.” Lít-Têl smiles goofily, not sensing anything. But I am confused by his 'go play' because there's nothing to play with at home. We don't even have a single game console.
“Play what?”
“Guitar, Phîi Tǎem!” Lít-Têl smiles even wider.
“Hmm?”
I look at the junior who is miming playing an invisible guitar, extremely surprised. Meanwhile, Lít-Têl continues cheerfully.
“Are you going to broadcast again today? Let Têl go play guitar for you. Last time was so fun. Têl got many friends from your chat channel, you know. Oh, most importantly, I promised Phîi Toh already that I would play guitar for him again. But Têl can only sing at an average level. My voice isn't as nice as Phîi Tǎem's. So Têl plays, you sing. It's a perfect match, man!”
I look at the junior who is giving me a thumbs-up saying it's awesome, without even asking me a single word if I want him or not.
As for Âi'Ker? He's already laughing out loud.
“Yeah, good, good! Get some hype, Âi'Tǎem. I heard the listeners themselves like this little junior, they were screaming like crazy.”
“How could they not scream? Phîi Toh announced he would pursue him in the public chat.” I mumble, looking at Lít-Têl who is still waiting for my answer with sparkling eyes. He looks like he really wants to go play, making me start to soften. And like my close friend said, many people want Têl to appear again. Even though the junior insists he won't show his face, just his voice should be enough, right?
“But I don't have a car to pick you (mueng) up, Ná.”
I am not a good enough driver to take a multi-million-baht Mini out for a night drive. Lít-Têl is quiet for a bit, turning to look at his beloved senior.
“I (kuu) am out for this one. I (kuu) have plans. Oh, the homeowner isn't there. I (kuu) don't want to go. Later people will misunderstand.” Ker evades.
“Huh? But Têl is going too, Phîi.”
“Hahaha! Someone like Têl, no one will misunderstand. But someone like me (kuu)...” Ker reiterates.
I don't know why Âi'Ker is needlessly worrying. Phîi Khǎi has seen he's my friend. He knows, Nǎa. But I don't argue, turning to look at my junior's face which immediately falls. But it's only for two seconds.
“Then tomorrow, Saturday, play tomorrow instead. And stay over at Phîi Tǎem's house too. Super cool idea!” He says it himself, praises himself, gives himself a thumbs-up until I want to hold my head. Because the homeowner isn't here, how can I allow others into the house?
“Come on. You (mueng) yourself won't be lonely.”
“Yesss! Having Têl around is like having ten people, Phîi Tǎem!” He has the nerve to advertise himself with a toothpaste-commercial white smile, while I start to yield. Because I have to admit that room makes me feel strangely lonely. I keep glancing towards the study room, as if thinking Phîi Khǎi could pop out of the Doraemon door right in front of me.
“Let me ask Phîi Khǎi first.”
In the end, I put up a half-hearted resistance, even though in my heart I am more than half agreed. Since someone is helping to attract free guests to keep me company. And most importantly, it's another excuse to talk to Phîi Khǎi. Even though it's this damn Lít-Têl who is suspiciously close to Phîi Khǎi, this time I won't throw a lamp at his head.
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