Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem
What should I do now?
Yes, Khráp. I am being kissed.
I do not know what has made my body stiff as if cursed. I do not dare to move. I cannot even blink. Both of my hands hang limp at my sides. Meanwhile, the lump in my chest beats so rapidly that I can no longer hear the sounds around me. I know only that the edge of Khun Khǎi's lips... is very, very soft.
Snap
Gasp!
Suddenly, I startle violently when moisture touches the curve of my lips. But I am still too shocked to move. I do not know if my stillness makes him think I am yielding or not, because abruptly, he reaches out to touch the nape of my neck. It is not rough at all. It is even gentle. He holds and strokes it softly.
It is strange... I am closing my eyes.
If I were in my right mind now, I would probably want to hit my own head hard. But no... I am not in my right mind now.
Khun Khǎi's lips are soft, and his tongue is even softer. It is touching all over the curve of my mouth, as if he is tasting it slowly and deliberately, licking along the edges of my lips until my heart trembles completely. My heart beats even stronger. My ears ring even louder. While he... inserts the tip of his tongue inside.
I am startled. I want to jerk away, but I am trapped because Khun Khǎi's hand is stroking the nape of my neck, as if to soothe me.
I do not know if it is because he is skilled, he is experienced, or he is just good at this, but that kind of touch reduces my fright. It is as if he is telling me through his actions that it will not hurt, it will not be rough. And I do not know what devil or Satan inspired me, but I am... making way for him to come in.
I part my lips to receive his tongue.
His tongue is very soft. Very hot. And very skilled.
I used to think that kissing with tongues was horrifying. Who would want to eat someone else's saliva? But when I actually experience it, I am instead filled with curiosity. My body is trembling, but I do not pull away. On the contrary, I am able to perceive the warmth he is transmitting from his lips to me.
Khun Khǎi is not rushing at all. He slowly licks my lips. He moves his tongue all around the cavity of my mouth. He strokes the nape of my neck until I boldly, yet fearfully, send my own tongue to touch his. But I must have underestimated him too much.
He is just an expressionless robot, a fierce-looking villain, that guy who stitches, but he quickly entwines his tongue with mine.
"Mmph." Some sound escapes from my throat. But I still do not pull away. I am still feeling his tongue with the tip of my own. And then I find that it is... sweet.
Very sweet. Sweeter than any dessert I have ever eaten.
I never thought a kiss from this man could be so sweet that I would become this addicted to it.
Smooch... Smooch...
I am not aware that I am sending my tongue to entwine with his. I am not aware that I am the one moving closer to him. I do not know since when my two hands have moved to grip the sleeves of his shirt. But I am feeling as if millions of butterflies are fluttering their wings in my stomach.
Squelch, Squelch
The sound of our tongues rubbing together echoes in my ears, and it makes my whole body shudder.
I really want to suck on his tongue again.
It makes me shudder. It makes me tremble. It makes me addicted, until I do not realize that I am responding to his kiss by sucking his tongue back.
"Mmph, Hah... " I gulp air into my full lungs when he pulls away slightly. But just a moment later, the hot kiss presses against me again. Khun Khǎi's hand remains at the nape of my neck, but this time, it is not just stroking. He is sliding his hand into my hair, touching my scalp, pulling my head back until I can receive his hot kiss more comfortably.
"Mmph!"
Our tongues entwine more heavily than before. Hot breaths mingle. And most importantly...
I feel a thrilling shudder in my stomach.
Now, the more our tongues rub together, the more I feel these shudders.
I feel like I cannot stand anymore.
Khun Khǎi yields and pulls away again, probably knowing that my body is growing weaker and weaker, looking like it is about to slump down to sit on the floor. But I am caught because his arm has wrapped around my waist, I do not know since when.
I open my eyes to look and find the vision blurred... I kiss him until tears well up.
"Chôoe-Tǎem... Let me have another one, Ná."
He whispers, and then he kisses me again. And this is the time I have to hold onto his body tightly. I know I am inexperienced, but I never really thought that upon receiving my first kiss, my body would be like this. I can only part my lips, receiving the profoundly sweet taste that makes clear liquid seep at the corners of my mouth.
I also want to kiss again.
"Sweet."
He thinks the same as me.
Khun Khǎi pulls away again, but not far, because he is bringing his nose to rub gently against mine. This time, he moves both arms to wrap tightly around my waist until our chests are pressed close together.
Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump
Is this the sound of my heart or his?
I hear the lump of flesh beating very loudly, pulsing against my chest, until I am not sure if this is the rhythm of his heartbeat or not. But maybe, the two of us might be beating just as rapidly and strongly. I do not have time to think about anything more than that, because after that, he looks into my tearful eyes to tell me that...
"I like it, Ná."
I can only open my eyes wide, afraid they might pop out. I can only go limp and weak in the strong, warm embrace, looking at the fierce-faced villain who is now rubbing the tip of his nose against my cheek, trailing up to my earlobe, to whisper the same words that are already echoing in every chamber of my heart.
"I (chǎn) like you (thooe), Chôoe-Tǎem."
Shove!
The moment he finishes speaking, I gather strength from somewhere and shove against his chest with full force. I feel myself slam back against the clothes-drying rack behind me, but I do not care. Whether my back will be wounded or bruised is fine. Meanwhile, Khun Khǎi himself probably cannot brace in time, because he stumbles back two steps.
I do not know if he is still looking at me or not, because I lower my head deeply. The two hands that shoved his chest are now clutching the shirt he is wearing until it is crumpled.
"Chôoe-Tǎem?"
Why do I not have four hands? Now I want two more hands to cover my ears tightly.
"Are you angry with me (chǎn) or... "
"I have homework to do!" I do not wait for him to finish speaking. Whatever my brain can think of now, I blurt it out first.
Then, to gather the strength that has flown away to who-knows-where, I dash past, lowering my head and taking a deep breath through the gap between his body and the door frame into the room inside. I desperately hope he will not follow me, because this seems to be my last gasp of strength as well.
Thud!
"Chôoe-Tǎem!"
"N-no... I'm okay." I kick against the edge of the sofa, and I hear a startled call from behind, but I ignore it. I do not care. I wave my hand around and then hop-skip-jump toward the bedroom, wanting to get inside there desperately. But instead...
Thump!
"Chôoe... "
"N-no... I am really okay. Really okay." I try to tell him, afraid he will come to look at my little toe which kicked the edge of the table. And now I have reached the bedroom door. I quickly yank it open with all my might and plunge into the room with a posture like a diver. Of course, I slam the door shut behind me with a bang.
Thump
I collapse in the middle of the bedroom, lying sprawled, holding both feet on the floor. But my eyes are still wide open. My heart is still beating rapidly. And most importantly... my ears are very hot.
I like it, Ná.
"Mmhhoooooh!"
A groan from my throat. I release the two feet I was holding to lift both hands and cover my ears, curling into a ball, and then I cry out.
Now it is not just my ears. My face is so hot it feels like it is about to explode boom at any moment. The brain that died completely during the moon-shadow kiss a moment ago has started processing again. And it is repeatedly telling my heart to hear that... he likes me.
"Whaaaaaa... I cannot take it. Nông Tǎem cannot take it anymore." I can only groan like that.
"Mâe, Khráp. When you, Mâe, liked Phôo, how did you know?"
That night, I refuse to leave the bedroom, even though I hear the sound of the deep fryer going on and off repeatedly, because I do not dare to face the owner of the room. And it is not just from the embarrassment of kicking the cabinet and the sofa either. It is more than that. I feel shuddering and trembling in my chest. My face is burning hot until I think if I meet him face-to-face, I will definitely have a heatstroke.
And most importantly... why am I not disgusted by his touch?
Going back to last month, the first time I came to clean his house, I remember vividly that I was almost scared to death by his various sex toys. Just him coming near and using them to poke and rub against my body, along with his explanation, made me so scared I cried and fainted, falling stiff. As for this time, okay, I cried. My eyes were tearful, looking like they were about to drip plop plop.
But the trembling in my stomach, my whole body, both, uh, that thing of mine... isn't that disgust?
Furthermore, I became addicted to... his kiss.
It makes me unable to sleep, just thinking and thinking again about what is happening to me. I should run from him. I should not let the back door be opened. But when he said he liked it, my whole body went weak.
My crazy brain dares to think the crazy thought that everything he did to me before all meant he liked me.
I should not forgive a psycho like this. But just closing my eyes, seeing his eyes, remembering his kiss, feeling the warmth of his embrace, I tremble all night. Therefore, as soon as dawn breaks, I call the one person I trust... Mâe.
Many people may compliment that I am attractive. Many times, people have said they like me through comments, said it through the screen. But because I have never given anyone a chance, I have been with that bloody fuck Ker since I was a youth, using it as a shield against dogs all along. And I have never been interested in matters of love. Therefore, this is truly the first time someone has looked into my eyes, touched me, and told me they like me with such a serious, tense tone of voice.
I do not want this to be just the flutter of someone inexperienced in love.
I do not want to become anyone's victim. Therefore, I want to seek advice on whether everything Khun Khǎi did means he truly likes me, not just sweet words to make me fall into a trap.
[Does Nông Tǎem have someone who likes him now, my child?]
"N-no... It is not Nông Tǎem. Uh, it is about someone else. Nông Tǎem just wants to know."
I startle violently, shaking my head rapidly even though I know Mâe cannot see. And it is strange, why is Mâe laughing?
[Then what does Nông Tǎem want to know about?]
Mâe agrees to continue talking, which makes me very relieved. I was afraid Mâe would have a seizure. And if she had a seizure, I might accidentally let something slip for Mâe to know.
"How did you know that you liked Phôo? Also, at that time, Phôo already had... Nông Tǎem." Upon mentioning this, I cannot help but feel bad. No, I have known since I was a youth that Mâe Nuk is not my biological mother. Especially after hearing Phôo's first Mia say to my face that I am Mâe's burden, I even thought that if I had not been there back then, Phôo and Mâe Nuk might have been happier not having to raise a child who is the offspring of an ex-Mia who passed away.
[Nông Tǎem, absolutely do not think like that!]
Suddenly, Mâe tells me in a decisive voice, before continuing in a gentler tone.
[Nông Tǎem is an important person to both Phôo and me, Ná. And if there were no Nông Tǎem, I might not have fallen in love with Phôo.]
I do not understand. Where is the good point in a widower with a child from a previous marriage who is still holding onto the marriage certificate? Then Mâe continues.
[The first impression I had of Phôo was that he was a warm man who devoted everything to his only son. What I saw from Phôo was that he was a person with perseverance, willing to devote everything to make his little son happy. Even when tired, he never complained, never gave up. His happiness was seeing Nông Tǎem smile and laugh. The happy smile when Phôo looked at Nông Tǎem was what made me fall in love with him. Loved to the extent that, knowing full well that he could not register our marriage, I was still ready to walk with him.]
My tears well up. I feel like my nose is about to run, so I try to breathe in so Mâe will not know I am about to cry. After that, Mâe laughs along.
[I loved him before he loved me. He kept saying that a widower like him was not suitable for a young woman like me. Truly deserves a slap. Both father and son think too deeply, don't they?]
I feel guilty for feeling resentful every time I think about my family. My brain knows that Phôo and Mâe love me, but my heart just keeps feeling resentful about why I do not have a warm family like others, even though Mâe tells me every time.
[Therefore, if you ask why I realized I loved Phôo, it is because I was impressed when he was with Nông Tǎem.]
I smile. Tears seem about to flow until I quickly wipe them away.
"And what if it is not related to Nông Tǎem?" I try to focus on the matter I am curious about, because I am thinking about Khun Khǎi. And I do not have a small child to take care of for Khun Khǎi to be impressed by something in me. That makes Mâe laugh.
[It is difficult, because I love both Phôo and Nông Tǎem. Hmm. But there is one thing I have never forgotten... I wanted to be the one to embrace Phôo when he was tired. It must be that kind of feeling.]
I really want to talk with Mâe more, but I hear the sound of Thîi-rák crying faintly in the background. Looking at the clock, it should be milk time for the younger sibling. I am almost about to hang up, but Mâe asks me first.
[And how is Nông Tǎem?]
"I am well, Khráp. Very, very well. There is only one thing... " I should answer to put Mâe's mind at ease, right? But I cannot help thinking of another person who just kissed me last night, until I ask in a faint voice.
"What do you think Khun Khǎi is like as a person?"
[Khǎi is a good person, Já.]
Mâe answers so quickly it startles me.
"A good person?"
[Hmm. Nông Tǎem has just met Khǎi not long ago, right? I probably never told you that when Nông Tǎem's father passed, when we were in great difficulty, I once bowed my head to beg many relatives for help, but no one helped. Then one day, there was a phone call from abroad. At that time, Khǎi was probably still in university. I think I met him when he was very, very young, before his parents passed. He asked if I remembered him. Then he said he heard the news that I was in difficulty, he would help. He offered me a large sum of money. I was so shocked I trembled all over, because he should have still just been a student, so I asked to borrow from him instead. To be honest, at first I did not trust much.]
Mâe laughs about the old story before continuing.
[About two years after that, I paid him back all the money. Throughout those two years, Khǎi never once asked for it back. When I returned it, he even said it was not necessary to pay it back. But how could I do that? And after that matter, I kept in touch with Khǎi all along. I found out later that the reason he kept in contact was because he himself did not want to lose the last connection he had to Thailand. I must be the last relative he has left.]
I have never heard about Khun Khǎi's story. But the day I said I would live with him is still etched in my memory. The person who raised a hand to cover his face because he thought he was smiling too widely, then told me that this is it, the feeling of someone who is no longer alone.
Suddenly, a question arises... How long has Khun Khǎi been alone?
He once said he understood my feelings. And what about me? Do I understand the loneliness and isolation of his?
[Oh, even though Nông Tǎem has known Khǎi for a year, I often sent pictures of Nông Tǎem for him to see. And then at the wedding, I tried inviting him back. I do not know if Nông Tǎem noticed, but he watched Nông Tǎem throughout the whole event. He seemed quite fond of us.]
I am stunned, because at that time, I just did not like his face. What kind of person does not even smile, making a face like I have done something wrong all the time? But only now, according to Mâe's words, do I realize that he... might have been interested in me since then.
[Ah, Nông Tǎem, I will call again this evening. Thîi-rák is being very fussy now.]
"Yes, Khráp. You take care of Thîi-rák."
[Oh, I forgot to answer the question, didn't I? The one asking what Khǎi is like. I do not know how others see him, but I believe with all my heart that he is a good and compassionate person. Because how many people would be willing to help a relative they met when they were only a few years old without wanting anything in return? That is why I felt at ease entrusting Nông Tǎem to him.]
Mâe hangs up, but I still sit still, holding the phone like that.
I have just learned the truth that he has been helping me and Mâe all along.
All this time that I have been stubborn with him, accused him, disliked his face... I have been wrong, haven't I?
I realize this not just because Mâe said so. I might have known I was wrong since the day my dorm burned down and Khun Khǎi hugged me tightly, comforting me, saying he was ready to be a place for me to take refuge. I think I know. But I just would not accept it. Just did not want to take back the words I had said about him.
And now, can I accept that what he says... is true?
Knock Knock Knock
"Yes, what is it... "
After my brain has finished processing, a few hours later, I come to stand with trembling legs in front of the study door. I have taken three or four deep breaths. Finally, I gather my strength and knock on the door. Then I startle violently when the man as big as a building, whom I have been fussing over, with dark circles under his eyes that make him look scary like someone who has not slept, pokes his head out.
No, no, no. Why should I be afraid of him? Mâe already said what he is like.
"It's... I, Tǎem, that is... "
I just stammer, lowering my head to look only at my two hands clenched tightly together, not daring to look at his face because the matter of him saying he likes me is still echoing in my head. And now I have also mustered the courage to knock on his study door.
"About last night."
Gasp!
Before I can say anything, Khun Khǎi is the one who speaks first, making me startle and can only stare wide-eyed. Then I see only his chin with faint stubble. I am so excited I want to hit my heart hard, asking why it is so excited. We are both men.
"Forget it, Thòe."
Double-take.
All of a sudden, the sound of my heart beating rapidly suddenly stops still, as if the battery has run out.
He tells me to forget... Is that it?
"It must have made you (thooe) dissatisfied. So forget it, Thòe."
Grit
I accidentally bite my lower lip hard. The courage I gathered is now scattered and gone. My hands are shaking. But at least I hear clearly with both ears that he is afraid I am dissatisfied. Therefore, what I do is take a full lungful of breath, raising my head until it feels like my body jerks.
"Phîi Khǎi, will you come eat breakfast with me, Khráp?!"
"!!"
I blurt it out fully, looking at his face, and find that his eyes widen a bit as if he cannot believe his ears.
"I have made congee already. Wouldn't it be good to take a break and eat before continuing work, Khráp?"
"Uh, well... Good."
"Then let's eat."
It is as if the two of us are both speechless, just stammering and hesitating. But when he nods, I turn away from that spot, walking quickly to the dining table. I set the simple congee on the table, pretending to be busy in the kitchen. Only when the owner of the room sits down on the chair do I come to sit on the chair opposite him.
"Please eat. It will get cold."
Do not ask me if I know what this bowl of congee tastes like. I do not know. My hand just does its duty of scooping it into my mouth. My mouth just does its duty of chewing. My throat just does its duty of swallowing it down. Spoonful after spoonful continues until there is only the sound of the spoon hitting the bowl. And I just keep my head and eyes lowered, relieved that he is also eating just the same.
After finishing it all cleanly in just a few minutes, I grab the bowl to place it in the sink quickly.
"Phîi Khǎi, when you finish eating, just leave it here, Khráp. I will come back to wash it himself."
I walk to grab the backpack placed on the kitchen counter and sling it over my shoulder quickly. I take long strides to the door, putting on my sneakers by shoving my feet in. Then I open the door. But before I can step out...
"Phîi Khǎi."
I turn back to look at the person still at the dining table. I make eye contact with him. Then I gather the courage to ask.
"Do you, Phîi, really want me... want me to forget?"
I look into his eyes. He looks into my eyes. But he does not answer.
"What if I say I am not dissatisfied?" I then tell him further, even though I know my voice is trembling. The hand holding the door handle is trembling even more. I am more anxious than when I was waiting for Khun Khǎi... no, Phîi Khǎi to slowly move his lips.
"No." He shakes his head.
But I am still not sure what his 'no' means.
"If you (thooe) are not angry, do not forget."
His words are still as short as a tree stump as always. But this time, I do not know if it is because my heart is more open than ever, but I find instead that he is saying a long sentence begging me not to forget what happened last night.
"I'm not angry," I say.
"Then... " The expressionless, quiet man is silent for a moment, as if he does not know what to say. And at that moment, I almost give up.
"Do not forget what I (chǎn) said."
I am about to nod, if not for his lips still moving before he utters words that make my heart, which had almost stopped beating, tremble with resonance again.
"Please believe what I (chǎn) tell you."
These are the few times he and I have spoken directly. And this is also the first time I willingly give him a wide smile as well, and say with full words.
"Then I will believe."
Having said that, I quickly leave the room, running to the elevator with a trembling heart. But...
Whoosh
Before I can do that, someone instead puts a hand out to block the elevator door first. I just have to look up.
"Tonight... Can we eat dinner together tonight?"
I look at the face of the person I once said looked like a villain. But why today do I instead see him as an ordinary man who seems quite worried? Until the corners of my lips smile widely, and I nod forcefully.
"Yes. I will do my absolute best."
I watch the elevator door close slowly. After it has closed completely, I raise both hands to cover my face. I am very, very embarrassed by my own effort. But it is worth it, a thousand times worth it.
Some matters need to be talked about with an open heart.
I understand this sentence today. And I also hope it is not too late for me to try opening my heart to the person named Khun... no, Phîi Khǎi, even just a little.
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