Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective Chôoe-Tǎem
In the evening as the sky changes color, it makes the light in the bathroom stand out even more. It becomes brighter, like a spotlight shining on someone on stage. But the person in the middle of the stage is not a skilled performer; it is my employer who just verbally agreed to a contract with me fifteen minutes ago.
As for me, I am gripping the bottles of liquid soap and shampoo so tightly that if they weren't containing anything inside, the bottles would have been crushed flat by my force. Meanwhile, both my legs are stiff, my eyes are wide open, staring at the reflection I see in the mirror... I am watching the homeowner pleasure himself.
Go back to your room, Wá, Âi'Thǎem, hurry back to your room, Wá!
My brain knows what I should do, but my body refuses to move accordingly. I can only stand stunned, as if plastered over entirely. The lump of flesh in my chest also twitches violently, which I will interpret first as meaning fear, like it always has been.
I am afraid of you, Khǎi. But why am I not rushing to run away like every other time!?
Hack, hack...
Amidst the sound of running water, I hear panting breaths that make my spine shiver coldly.
I know I have to go back to my room now. I remind myself this is private time. I try to dismiss my prejudice, thinking that him doing this has nothing to do with me. Things like this are normal, something every man has to do. I do it myself too.
I cannot do it. The best course is for me to close the bathroom door and let him handle himself alone. But...
As I said, the bathroom light is so bright it's like a spotlight, and it lets me see something I have never seen before... A face that is not flatly smooth and terrifying.
I never thought I would have a chance to see a different expression on this man's face.
Normally, my Mâe's relative wears a still face, cold eyes, a mouth that is a straight line. Every single word he speaks makes me feel like hating his guts. But now, when he is feeling arousal like a common person, his thick eyebrows are knitted together tightly as if in torment. His eyes might be closed so I cannot see their gleam, but their tight shut shows desire. His mouth bites together, alternating with emitting groans. Wet hair frames a face I don't know is wet from the shower spray or sweat.
Right now I don't know what he is thinking about while pleasuring himself. But this kind of expression of his... is worth looking at.
It might be scary, but Khǎi's face, deviating from its normal state, draws my gaze until I cannot move.
Ugk... Hack, hack...
Khǎi presses one hand against the bathroom wall. The other hand moves faster until I cannot follow it with my eyes. And I don't dare look at it either. I still only look at the face brimming with emotion until the lump in my chest beats harder than before. I try to tell myself it is fear. But above all else, I also know there is hidden interest.
I want to see more of his face showing emotion.
He grits his teeth again, then relaxes them, takes a long, deep breath. His eyebrows are tightly knotted, not relaxing. His expression looks even more tormented. His panting breaths start to become louder than the sound of the running water, mixed and blended with the sound of something moving down below.
Who is it in your imagination, Khǎi?
Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump!!
My heart beats fast again. But this time I am sure it's not shyness. It is a searing hot feeling rising up in my chest, then spreading throughout my entire body until my limbs and face feel burning hot.
I have only watched AV a few times. Because I used to live with my Mâe, slept with my Mâe. I only moved out to live alone when my Mâe remarried. But with the effort of putting myself through school, I barely had any time to spare for being interested in these things. Plus, movies like that usually focus on showing the woman. And for someone who grew up with a beautiful woman like my Mâe, Núk, watching women doesn't really stir up much feeling. But now I just realize... seeing a man makes me hot all over.
Am I interested in men... I don't know.
This person, again. This is the first time I have seen a man doing that kind of thing. And it happens with the man named Khǎi.
What do I do? I am hot all over. My arms are red like shrimp thrown into boiling water. But I still do not look away from the person who is releasing his emotions.
My gaze slides down to his neck. And I finally have time to observe that Khǎi has a very good physique. Compared to Âi'Ker, this older man has an unbelievably better build. Both his broad shoulders, the bundles of arm muscles, the chest plate where the shape of nice muscles is clearly visible. But I don't dare look lower than that. Just this makes me have to lower my hand to cover my crotch over my pants.
No, I (kuu) am not feeling like that because of Âi'you Khǎi.
I try to make excuses to myself. But I am still looking. At the droplets of water flowing past his cheeks, past the tip of his chin, dripping down onto his chest, until I accidentally swallow a big gulp of saliva, take another gasping breath, then turn back to look at his face.
When he is with me, he has only one face. But when he is doing that, he looks incredibly emotionally varied. Even now, while panting rapidly, his face intensely red, biting his lips into a straight line—I stand watching from afar like this and still know he is about to reach the climax of his emotions.
This kind of expression makes the fine hairs all over my body stand on end. A shivering sensation runs from the nape of my neck down to my waist. My two legs clamp together, until I know I don't have to look down to know that something not often released is standing erect due to emotional force. Until a question arises in my heart: Who is it that makes a man like that show this kind of expression?
Who is behind his eyelids?
And the second I ask is the second I receive an answer.
"... Chôoe-Tǎem!"
I am not someone named something common. At the very least, in my life I don't know anyone else named Chôoe-Tǎem. Therefore, it is almost impossible for the person in Khǎi's thoughts to be someone else. Because he calls out clearly that he is thinking of... me.
Thump!
Hey!
I startle violently, because I accidentally let the shampoo bottle slip from my hand and hit the floor!
If I am still standing here, he must see me for sure. Luckily, he still hasn't opened his eyes. But he turns his closed eyes toward the front of the bathroom where I am standing, until I am flustered. I know he will open his eyes in a moment, and me standing here is definitely not good.
He has shown me his good stuff many times. But this is the first time I have secretly watched him. And importantly...
I (kuu) am hard.
I (kuu) cannot let him see me right now!
"Chôoe-Tǎem?"
Gasp!
How did he know, Wá!!!?
I startle violently, pull the door so it snaps shut quickly and as lightly as possible. I don't know if I was in time before he turned to grab a towel to wipe his face or not. But in that moment, my brain works faster than when I calculate monthly expenses. Because everything in my hands gets placed down in front of the bathroom. Then I leap even faster than when I went for the high-end touch-screen system refrigerator, and duck to hide behind the kitchen counter.
Click
Right in time with him pushing the door open, in the condition of just a single towel.
“What is this... ” He probably sees the shampoo and liquid soap bottles. Meanwhile, my heart is pounding thump-thump. But curiosity is greater. So I slowly, slowly raise my head to look. And I see an even more unbelievable sight.
Khǎi is smiling!
The stone-faced man is staring at the two bottles in his hand, while the lips that are usually stretched straight are curving up into a small, very small smile. But that is enough to make his fierce eyes soften strangely.
“Chôoe-Tǎem?”
Fwip
I quickly duck back into place, hearing him call my name more clearly than a moment ago. Then the sound of the door closing again follows, along with the clear sound of a lock, leaving only the wide, quiet living room where I can hear my own heartbeat.
My two hands clutch my chest tightly. It beats so fast it's scary. Because I am sure... he called my name with a gentle smile.
Holy shit!
Great!!! I curse in my heart, because... my heart is racing, that thing of mine (kuu) is hard, and now what should I do?
***
“Can I eat pizza?”
Um... “Khráp”
In the middle of the dining table, which has up to six chairs placed around it, a largest-size pizza box is opened wide. On the side, there are eight pieces of New Orleans chicken, breadsticks with dipping sauce, Drunkard's Spaghetti and Carbonara spaghetti, another box of cheesy garlic bread, plus a one-liter bottle of soda, until I can only hold my breath and speak softly.
It's not anything, it's a waste of money, Wôoi!
At first, when I was knocked on the door and called out to eat, I thought there was no way I could look him in the face. But upon seeing the amount of food he ordered, I look up at Khǎi with a disbelieving look. Because Âi'all that can feed a whole family of four or five people, not just two people.
“Do you always order like this, Khráp?”
“I (chǎn) wasn't sure what you (thooe) like to eat, so I (chǎn) ordered a lot of different things.”
The curse about to escape from my mouth gets swallowed down my throat. I can only glance sideways at the face that has returned to its original still calmness. Then I find that the reason he ordered so much is for... me.
Really, Wá?
I quickly brush that thought away. I try to tell myself to be wary, to not trust. I remind myself that just a moment ago he just called my name, and even squeezed the poison out of a snake. Therefore, I must absolutely not trust him.
But why, Wá? Why, upon him saying it's for... me, does my heart just tremble?
“This much is enough for me to eat,” I say to him, steadying myself. I slide a plate in front of me, pull one slice of pizza, roll up another four forkfuls of spaghetti, and then pick up one chicken wing. Then I look up, looking only at his cheek, because I feel somehow I can't meet his eyes. And I say with the firmest tone possible to muster.
“This much, I am already full.”
Before this, I was aloof and didn't eat his food because I didn't want a reputation for eating free stuff. But now I consider myself an employee who gets three meals included. Therefore, I have to tell him clearly that an amount like this is already enough to make me stuffed. Until Khǎi looks at me silently, then turns back to look at the food on the table.
“Is that so? It's fine. If there's leftovers, we'll just throw them away.”
“What did you say!?” I turn my head sharply, forgetting the previous matter completely.
“Well, if there's leftovers, they have to be thrown away. It's not good to eat leftover food,” he answers me with a still face, until I flush dark red. I'm not a misser, Wôoi! I'm just thrifty!
“Khǎi, hasn't anyone ever taught you not to waste food? It's hard work earning even a single baht, you exhaust yourself almost to death. And all this stuff you bought cost seven or eight hundred already. You can't just throw money away like it's worthless. Didn't your family ever teach you the value of money!?” My Mâe worked alone. I had to learn to be frugal. Seeing someone not valuing money makes me so angry I dare argue with him.
“No.”
Ugh, annoying fucker or what, Wá!
If this were Âi'Ker, I would have smacked his skull. Who answers with a deadpan face saying they don't know the value of money? Ugh, Âi'Rich-person, Âi'Well-off-person, Âi'Troublesome-big-shot-who-came back, Âi'...
“Because my (chǎn) parents died before they could teach me (chǎn) about this.”
Gulp
Every curse racing through my mind comes to a screeching halt, crashing headfirst. I blink rapidly, looking at the person who is pulling a slice of pizza up from the tray. His expression hasn't changed at all, until I don't know if this is the truth or a joke. I accidentally think back to when he said he also has no parents. And truly, I don't know anything about this man.
No, previously I never paid attention to Khǎi's matters at all.
This thought makes me accidentally look into his calmly indifferent eyes.
“I... I am sorry.” Whenever I lose composure, this kind of self-reference always slips out. And now I myself don't know what to do when the topic of loss comes up. I still remember the sadness of losing my father. But I still have my Mâe, Núk. What about Khǎi, who lost both his father and Mâe together since childhood?
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I (chǎn) didn't think-deeply about it. And... "
“And?” I repeat the word, tilting my head to look at the person who didn't finish speaking.
Khǎi is silent for a moment, then speaks out.
“Then you (thooe) teach me (chǎn).”
Huh?
“You (thooe) can teach me (chǎn) the things I (chǎn) don't know, Chôoe-Tǎem.”
Why am I avoiding his eyes, Wá?
“I... how can I teach you?” I slip into the nickname again. I lower my head even more, not understanding why I suddenly feel shy, even though his tone of voice doesn't seem the least bit embarrassing. Probably the matter of secretly watching him still makes me feel guilty.
“You (thooe) can teach me (chǎn).” I stare only at the Drunkard's Spaghetti, trying not to pay attention to Khǎi's voice, even though I just noticed that even though his tone is flat and emotionless, if you listen carefully, he has a voice that is somehow husky and pleasant to listen to. But those thoughts scatter in another direction, because...
“I (chǎn) want you (thooe) to teach me (chǎn) everything. Because I (chǎn) want to know everything about you (thooe) too.”
Snap
I look up to meet his eyes unexpectedly. Even though I see only fierce eyes, a serious face, a still expression, it makes my cheeks grow increasingly hot. The hand holding the fork even almost drops it. Meanwhile, my cheeks are hotter than before, until I want to stab myself with a knife, asking why I am getting hot over this emotionless man, Wá!
The thought that I must quickly shake my head, but...
“Have I (chǎn) said something wrong to your (thooe) ears again?”
The person opposite asks. And I don't know if I am imagining it or not that his tone sounds oddly disappointed, until I have to take a deep breath, like when I calmed my emotions before. I look into his eyes as deeply as possible, to find that he looks... despondent.
No way, my (kuu) eyes are playing tricks, Âi'Thǎem. You're (meung) delusional, meung. No way.
“Tha... why do you think that?” Damn it, my voice is shaking a lot.
The question makes Khǎi look at my eyes, before turning to look at the food on the table, looking at my plate, then turning back to stare into my eyes again. And then he speaks again.
“I (chǎn) must have done something to displease you (thooe) again.”
“No, it's... not like that.” My voice is very soft. Because to say I am not displeased with him is also not true; I have disliked his face all along. But at this moment, when he says it with this kind of lonely, despondent manner, it makes me feel strange. No, I am more surprised by how I think he is despondent.
“Really?” he asks again. And then why does his despondent manner disappear?
Uhh... “Umm, I am not... displeased with you.”
Suddenly, I fall silent and stunned. No, it's not that Khǎi is smiling like earlier, an image that is stuck in my mind. But his eyes, which I like to criticize as being like a ruthless cruel thief, have softened their light, look gentler, look warmer than before. And his lips seem to twitch a little, until I am not sure if he is smiling or not.
“Is that so?”
“But whether I am pleased or displeased doesn't seem to make any difference anyway, Khráp.” I try to act as calm as possible, even though the lump of flesh in my chest is trembling strangely. Especially when he straightens up his posture, staring at me without looking away.
Mmm
“It is different... I (chǎn) am glad you (thooe) don't hate me (chǎn).” If his gaze, which looks gentler, makes my heart tremble strangely, then his next sentence makes me feel like the chair I'm sitting on is shaking as if there's an earthquake.
The sentence that says...
“Please don't hate me (chǎn), Chôoe-Tǎem.”
I feel he is... pleading and begging.
What do I do? My heart is trembling scarily!
What I do is turn my face to avoid his gaze. I feel the heat collectively gathering at my cheeks. My hand, which feels weak and has no strength to hold the fork, can only rest it on the table. I don't dare say out loud that I used to hate him. And in that moment, I just realize that it has become a thing of the past.
I don't know when I started to view him in a better light. Maybe when he let me stay here, when he hugged me, when he comforted me. Or maybe it was his first smile. I don't know when. But now I probably cannot say out loud that I hate him.
“Did I (chǎn) say something wrong again?”
“No!” I quickly cry out in a high voice, because I start to catch that his voice sounds despondent again, until I accidentally meet his eyes again.
“But you (thooe) are avoiding my (chǎn) eyes.”
“But I don't hate you anymore!” I blurt out in a fluster. And he falls silent. He must have caught that I used to hate him. And that makes Khǎi nod slowly.
“Just that now you (thooe) don't hate me (chǎn) is good enough.”
I cannot speak. I don't dare meet his eyes. I don't dare continue the conversation. I am afraid I will tell him everything about how I feel. I am afraid he will know what I saw. Even though in my heart a question arises whether at that time... he was thinking of me while doing... that.
“Let's eat. You (thooe) must be hungry.” I grab the fork again, roll spaghetti into my mouth without tasting it. In my head, I think about the unreadable manner of the person opposite. I don't know what expression he is making or if he is looking at me.
“Don't you like pizza? Then tomorrow let's try Japanese food.” Suddenly, I hear a faint voice drifting over, until I snap my head up. Then I find Khǎi is sweeping his gaze over his mobile phone screen, which makes me suspicious.
Then he asks simply. “Do you (thooe) like eel rice bowl? Or sashimi?”
“Why are you asking?” I think I can guess how he will answer. But I still can't help being stunned when I hear the answer.
“Tomorrow I (chǎn) will order it for you (thooe).”
“No!” I answer back instantly, looking at the other party who is stunned, before he frowns.
“Don't like it? Then let's make it... ”
“No, no, no, no! Khǎi, it's not like that!” Right now, fear, fluster—bloody fuck it all. Upon hearing someone who thinks of spending money like this, I truly cannot stand it, until I have to exclaim loudly. And then I say with the most serious expression I can possibly muster.
“Whether it's Thai, Chinese, Western, Japanese, or Korean, I don't want any of it! I am just a tenant. Why would you order food according to my taste? Plus, home delivery food is expensive! I don't want it, won't eat it, it's wasteful!”
If Âi'Ker were here, he would probably curse me saying not taking free stuff is dim-witted. Or that junior, Rahad, would probably whine that if I don't eat it, let him eat it instead. But I don't see at all what's good about ordering food for me to eat every day. On the contrary...
“You should learn to be thrifty.”
“Then what do you (thooe) want me (chǎn) to do?”
That's right. Then what do I want him to do?
“What do you usually do?” I ask back, unsure.
“I (chǎn) call and order for delivery. Or go out to eat. Or sometimes go eat with friends.”
Does a person like this have friends, Wá?
Mmm
That is what I think. But I don't dare say it. I can only press my lips together tightly, looking at the person I used to think was an adult with bad character. But I just now realize he acts like a child whose parents only work and raise their child with money. Yes, I think he is clearly a youth. He can't even find food for himself. No wonder, every time I come, I see delivery food.
And even though I don't need to interfere with his sustenance, in the end, my thriftiness wins completely. At the moment I tell him that...
“Then from now on, I will find food for you to eat myself.”
Khǎi looks clearly stunned, until I quickly tell him in a rapid, flustered voice.
“But I am not good at anything. I can just make do cooking something myself. Later, I will find a jar to put in the kitchen. From now on, you put money in the jar. I will use that portion to manage breakfast and dinner for you. But at noon, I have class. I probably won't be able to make anything for you. Agreed, let's settle on that.” Sigh, don't think I will pay out of my own pocket. Why would I spare from my salary, which is both tuition and expenses, to help pay? So, the food costs must be paid by him anyway.
Mmm, let's say I will try to find something nutritious for him to eat, not just rice and...
After I finish speaking, I watch for a reaction, afraid I said something wrong to my employer's ears. But then... he covers his face with his hand.
Shit, Âi'Thǎem. Are you (meung) going to get killed, Wá?
Uh... “You... Khǎi, Khráp... ”
I cannot help but be afraid. I move my chair back a little more. Because even though I am starting to feel good toward him, it's not that I am not afraid of him. But then my fear dissolves and vanishes in an instant, when he is slowly lowering his hand from his face, revealing his expression to me. And a tone of voice that is saying... he is pleased.
“Am I (chǎn) smiling?”
“Khráp?”
What crazy smile, Wá! Your (hâan) mouth is a straight line like that!
“This, I (chǎn) wasn't smiling? Or should I (chǎn) cover my (chǎn) mouth again? I (chǎn) thought I (chǎn) couldn't smile wider than this anymore.” Khǎi. And then he speaks out with his usual still, stern face, serious eyes no different from before, and lips that seem to twitch a little. He is talking to himself, saying...
“So this is it... the feeling of someone who is no longer alone.”
I am still. I am stunned. I have difficulty breathing. I feel he... is happy.
Khǎi covered his face because he thought he was smiling very widely, even though in reality it wasn't like that. But I myself, I also feel the same, that he is smiling the widest he can smile.
When he tells me that... he is not alone... My heart... beats strongly again.
Thump
“*... uh, I... I mean, I request to go eat in my room... Khráp.” I immediately lower my head. Normally, I can't handle him very well. But when he acts like this, I feel even more awkward all over. Both my limbs, my voice, my gaze. I don't dare look directly at him. I can only pick up my plate and stand up.
“Chôoe-Tǎem”
Let-me-die! Don't call me with that calm voice but it feels like you (hâan) are about to be abandoned!
“I... I don't dislike what you said. I just... just remembered I have homework.” I mumble, quickly stepping backward as if afraid of something... the feelings inside my own heart.
“Is that so?”
Why does he have to make this kind of tone again? And why do I (kuu) crazily think he is lonely? Maybe because of his words earlier... how long has he been alone?
I am the same. Even though I say I can live alone, I also hate having to be away from my Mâe, it grips my heart. So, even though I want to flee back to my room, in the end, I hesitate. Then I manage to turn back to face him, while mumbling.
“From now on, I will be living with you, right? So... please take care of me, Khráp.” After I finish speaking, I quickly turn around, heading straight for the bedroom he gave me to stay in. But my ears, what good timing they have now, I don't know. Because I hear a deep, resonant voice following.
“Thank you... for agreeing to live with me (chǎn).”
Bang
The door panel closes tightly. But in my ears, it still echoes with the voice of the man I used to hate. The person who just revealed some aspects of his emotions and feelings. My heart... suddenly cannot handle it.
Truly, I also have words I want to tell him. But I don't dare voice them.
“Thank you for making it so Junior Thǎem doesn't have to be alone either.”
Sometimes, I might know best what he feels. The gladness that now... I am no longer alone either.
“Why can I (kuu) smile this widely, Wá?”
In the end, I can only raise my hand to cover my face and find that it is smiling widely... perhaps as wide as Khǎi thought he was smiling a moment ago.
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