Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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“Are you okay?”
“What do you think?”
“I thought you would cry, but you are not crying at all.”
Sky stared at the phone in his hand for many minutes, as if he stopped staring, the last thread connecting him to the other man would snap. He finally resigned himself when he heard the concerned tone from the friend he had been staying with for over a week... Âi Chik.
Forget about him thinking he would cry; Sky himself thought he would cry. But there were no tears.
However, not crying did not mean his heart did not ache.
The weak lump in his chest hurt as if an invisible hand was squeezing and crushing it to pieces. But he could only force a smile for his friend. “It is fine. It had to end anyway. It is just ending sooner,” Sky forced himself to say. “And thank you very much for your help.”
Since that night returning from the birthday party, Sky had claimed he was tired, told Phra Phai to go home first, then went up to his room, threw himself down on the bed, did not cry, had no tears, but his heart ached so much he could not sleep. No matter how many times he closed his eyes, he would see images of that man holding someone else who was not him. He thought of the future where he would have to leave, and then be told... that he was bored with him.
Just thinking about it, Sky was afraid to meet him. He was so afraid he did not even dare to stay in his own room.
He could not ask his close friend Rain for help because the two knew each other. Sky might know many people, but he did not really know who to turn to in a time like this. Then the person who noticed was the handsome guy from his year, Âi Chik, who asked if he was okay. And Sky answered a different matter entirely... "Can I stay at your room?"
What a question.
At first, Sky intended to return to his room after just a few days. But merely thinking about having to face Phîi Phai made him not dare to return. He did not want to go. Fear surged in his chest. He borrowed his friend's things for now. As for Âi Chik himself, he did not ask anything.
The day Phîi Phai came to wait for him at the faculty, he himself knew, saw, and had this friend help him, until the words finally slipped out. “I do not want to see him.”
Chik did not ask a single word. Even though he liked to tease Rain about Phîi Payu, he did not ask anything beyond providing help where he could. Right now, no one even knew that he had not returned to his dorm but was staying with this friend. They went out together and returned together. Luckily, they were both in the same club, so no one noticed.
Another thing was that Chik's dorm room was twice as large as his. While Sky's dorm was just one fairly large room, his friend's room was partitioned, with a bedroom separate from the kitchen and living area outside. So he stayed sleeping on the sofa without causing any trouble.
Even though his friend did not kick him out, Sky felt bad, and it was time he should move out.
During these past two weeks, the young man was not just moving his sleeping place for fun. He himself used his free time to search for a new dorm. Even though it was almost the end of the first semester, because it was much farther than his old dorm, there were still rooms available. He had just discussed the deposit with the dorm owner yesterday.
He also did not think that today, the person he had been avoiding all along would use the same trick... calling from another number.
Since that night, Sky had repeated those words in his head hundreds, thousands of times. He repeated them until they were memorized, trained himself to be decisive and unshaken. But the moment he heard Phîi Phai's voice, his whole body trembled. He trembled so much that Âi Chik had to come sit beside him, rub his back to comfort him, so he could say all of that in one go.
Sky never wanted to end it. He had just begun.
He realized he liked Phîi Phai. He realized his heart had softened for him. And it was the same day the truth hit him in the face that Phîi Phai would never be serious about him, would never make him number one. How many of those people had the young man slept with, had relationships with, and still did?
Phîi Phai said that since sleeping with him, he had only slept with others three times, and had stopped all of it when they met again. But could he believe it? The words of a playboy who could find people better than him by the dozen? That woman was very beautiful. That man passing by had a good face. And what did that Sky have? He had nothing. If he had anything, it was only things in bed that his shit-lizard ex had found all sorts of ways to play with him until this body remembered.
If there came a day when Phîi Phai said he was bored with him, like that nuisance had done, would he still be in his right mind like this?
He should end it on a day when his heart was not yet bruised, better than handing it over for someone else to crush for fun.
“Sigh! I still do not understand. You are tormenting yourself like this, and furthermore, that Phîi Phai seems to love you very much. So why do this?” Âi Chik asked, and his answer was... fear.
“He does not love me. I am just... peculiar.”
The speaker smiled bitterly. Once again, he thought he would cry but did not. He could only force a smile that clearly looked terrible for his friend. “Thank you very much. Can I stay here one more night? Tomorrow I will go pay for the dorm and move out.”
“You can stay as long as you want. I do not mind.”
“How can I? You cannot bring anyone else to stay over because of me.” Sky said knowingly, making the listener laugh and pat his shoulder heavily. “I can go stay at that house over there instead. Do not worry.”
“Thank you.”
“How can I not help a friend in trouble? And if you want to thank me, help me with Ajarn Vichai's subject. Every time I submit work, even if the grades are good, my latest one got a question: 'Why did you come to study architecture?' I stood there dumbfounded for almost a minute, then answered, 'Because my Mâe told me to, Ajarn.' He looked utterly green.”
Speaking of this, Âi Chik heaved a heavy sigh and scratched his head in frustration.
Sky was there too and thought he was being an annoying fucker. What was he thinking, answering like that? And the professor retorted, "Then have your Mâe come study instead," thus ending the answer session.
“You have to figure out the professor's style correctly. Try to observe what style he likes. At first, I did not know either.”
“Forget it. Talking about this gives me a headache. And when will you stop by to get your things from the dorm?” This time, the listener fell silent for a long moment. “Probably... tonight.”
He did not dare hope that Phîi Phai would still come looking for him after hearing his foul words. But if he did come, he himself did not want to face him, did not want to see the look of disgust, did not want to know how Phîi Phai would view the shit-lizard youth who played with his feelings. Or he might not feel anything beyond shame. The best way was to go after dark. Even if he came to wait, he would probably have to retreat anyway. And Sky himself could not avoid going back to his room entirely.
Not only were some projects left on his notebook, but there were also many reference books he needed to return to the library, and also... that piece of paper.
Sky wanted to get rid of it as much as he wanted to keep it as a memory.
Over the past several months, even though he tried to escape, tried to drive him away, Sky knew he had been happy. At the very least, he had been happier than he had ever been. “I think it might be better if you just cried it out.” Sky's pained expression made Chik himself sigh. If only I could cry, it might release some of this pain now. But I have not cried for a long time.... since that night.
He was afraid of having to hurt like that again.
Even though Âi Chik offered to drive him to the dorm, Sky refused. He did not want to trouble his friend and did not want him to see how tormented he would be upon entering the room filled with memories of the other man. Phîi Phai had visited this dorm more often than his Phô, more than his close friend Rain, more than anyone else, until no matter where he looked, he saw that man everywhere. “That is why I have to end it quickly.”
Because if he let it go on longer, and Phîi Phai was the one who got bored and discarded him, Sky would probably act pitifully, begging and pleading not to break up like before. And he did not want to become that person again.
At a late hour like this, when the office lights were off and quiet, Sky passed through the gate without having to stop and greet anyone. He himself was still under contract for this dorm for several more months; it was not necessary to talk about canceling the lease now. And by that time, Phîi Phai would surely have stopped bothering with him. Even as he stopped in front of room number 308, his legs felt heavy as if weighed down by stones. He had no strength to even lift the key to unlock the door.
What a coward you are. Phîi Phai cannot enter your room anyway. And you saw with your own two eyes that Phîi Phai still plays with others. He will not come looking for you. A boring person like you could never be someone he truly likes.
The thought made him take a deep breath and unlock the key.
The door opened to reveal a pitch-dark room with only a silence that felt eerie. Sky himself tapped the switch until the light flashed brightly throughout the room. His legs went straight to the work desk where he had left something.
That night after returning from the birthday party, what Sky did after being unable to sleep was not sitting and crying, but pouring something out onto paper until it was packed with pencil marks. This was worse than crying. Crying released sadness with clear teardrops, but this was like exposing how deeply he was attached to the man he had begged to get bored of him quickly. But instead...
“Where is it? I remember it was right here.”
“Are you looking for this?”
Click!
Suddenly, his heart almost stopped. His eyes widened as if he had seen a ghost. He did not even dare to look behind him. “Is this one of the dramas Sky is playing?”
No, please, no. Do not let Phîi Phai see.
The young man turned slowly, unwilling to face the reality. But he saw it... the sheet of A4-sized cream paper in Phîi Phai's hand.
Yet, what was more prominent than the paper was the calm expression on the face of the person who usually had a smile.
Sky immediately looked towards the still-wide-open door, but...
Slam!
“I will not let Sky escape.” Phra Phai closed the door, blocking his escape route, until the young man stood frozen, his face pale and almost bloodless, watching the large man flip over that sheet of paper and read it aloud.
“Likes grilled meat...
Parents love health...
Has two younger siblings...
Khun Uncle...
Likes racing cars...
A pervert...
Good-humored...
Smiles a lot like a crazy person...
Likes to be an annoying fucker...”
At first, there was only basic information Sky knew about Phra Phai, then he started adding emotion little by little.
“Lecherous, likes breasts...
So free it is disgusting...
Egotistical, thinks he is so handsome...
Cunning, sees through everything...”
Sky knew better than the reader what would be found the further he read. But he could only stand with his head bowed, looking at his toes, biting his lips tightly, holding back every word of excuse, every word of confession. Even though he felt the image in front of him blurring, it was not from tears; he was so stressed he was almost fainting. Moreover, his chest felt so tight he could hardly breathe.
“Even though he is an annoying fucker, he likes to make others smile along...
Even though he is egotistical, he has the qualities to be...
Even though he is a selfish person, he is the kindest...
No matter how tired he is, he comes to find me, makes me happy... What excuse should I use to invite him out...
Phîi Phai often finds food for me to eat, I want him to eat what he likes too...
What should I do, I want Phîi Phai to have fun when we are together... What should I do to make Phîi Phai not get bored...”
Sky could not breathe. His whole body trembled violently.
And Phîi Phai was reading what he had written that night. “Can you not have others? Have only me, just me. I might be boring, not beautiful, not cute, but please do not get bored of me. Do not say you like anyone else besides me. Do not have anyone besides me. Do not leave me anywhere. Be kind only to me. Take care only of me. Buy food only for me. I might not have anything good, but I will try. I will do anything you want me to do. Please do not like anyone else. Please...”
He only saw the tips of Phîi Phai's shoes as he walked to stop in front of him, then read the words that made Sky drop to sit on the floor, covering his ears.
“...Like me, love me, please, Phîi Phai.”
“Ugh! Hic... Sniff...”
Sky made a sound like crying, but he had no tears. There was only a sound that told how much pain and torment he felt when the other party discovered the hidden truth.
He did not just like him; he... had fallen in love with Phîi Phai.
“Is this the person who said it was fun to tame a playboy like me? Is everything Sky wrote here just an act? Sky already knew I had the key to this room, so you left this for me to see, right?”
No, no, it is not. I was not pretending. Everything in there is what I truly feel... I truly love you.
The young man's eyes widened. He felt like he wanted to vomit. While his two hands moved to clutch his chest tightly, he felt cold even though his body was drenched in sweat. He could not breathe, could only make trembling groans, listening to the large man who knelt down to sit in front of him, placed that sheet of paper within his line of sight, and tapped it lightly with his fingertip. “Is even this sheet of paper full of nothing but lies?”
“Ug... Hic!”
Sky bit his lip until it hurt, bit his lip until he tasted the metallic smell of blood, stopping himself from shaking his head, but he had no strength to nod either.
“Look at me.” He should not do what Phîi Phai said, but he slowly raised his head, using pained eyes to look directly at the man who still had the same calm, still expression.
The person who used both hands to hold his cheeks under warm palms, used his fingertips to gently rub the corners of his eyes, in contrast to the calm tone and still expression. “Was what happened between us just pretense?”
“...” Sky could not speak, and he closed his eyes to escape reality.
“Do not close your eyes! Look at me!”
Gasp!
The young man started violently, opening his eyes to look into the beautiful brown eyes, afraid to see indifference in them. But instead, he saw a gaze... of affection.
The owner of those eyes leaned in until their foreheads touched, making Sky startle again. “It is not fair to let Sky speak first, is it?” Phîi Phai whispered. “I do not just like Sky anymore.”
The listener felt as if the ground beneath him had collapsed. His heart almost stopped beating. His face was paler than paper.
While Phîi Phai smiled wider than before, more gentle than before, and... more affectionate than before. “Because I love Sky, not just like.”
That person who lingered near his lips pressed several kisses, then spoke in a soft tone that shattered every wall Sky had built until nothing remained. “I love you.”
“Ugh! Hic... Hic...”
The young man sobbed until his body shook. Even without tears, it was as if he was screaming out the loudest his body could manage.
“And you, Sky? How do you feel about me?”
In that second, Sky could no longer hide anything. “Love... Hic... Love... I love...”
Thud!
No need for fancy words, no need for filtering. With just that one feeling that replaced a thousand words, Phra Phai pulled the trembling person into a tight hug, pulled his face to press against his shoulder, held him tightly around the waist, feeling the tension in the person in his embrace.
And it was not long before... “Hic... Waaahhhhhhhhhh!”
Sky could no longer endure it. His slender frame collapsed into the warm embrace. Both hands grabbed the back of his shirt tightly, and he cried out at the top of his voice. He cried as much as he could, releasing all the feelings he had kept bottled up, to tell this man that he too loved him, loved him very much but was afraid of loving so much that he inadvertently hurt both himself and those around him. “Yes, I know. It is okay. It is okay now.”
There was no time Sky was happier than this moment that Phîi Phai was the person who understood him the most.
This person who learned that he himself was not just liking, but had also fallen in love.
Phra Phai admitted he came here angry, but it was replaced by other feelings the moment he saw the thick sheet of paper lying still on the work desk. He read it from beginning to end, looked at the many characters that represented the feelings Sky had given him. At the start, there was only annoyance, followed by understanding of him, and ending with feelings of torment that were nonetheless sweet for the person reading it.
Sky was not just venting on this sheet of paper; he was writing a love confession letter to him.
The young man already knew that what was said on the phone was just lies, but he still wanted to know the true feelings and the reason why Sky lied about not loving him.
He waited and waited, until the youth finally returned to the dorm.
Phra Phai himself felt tormented seeing the youth collapse onto the floor, his expression so pained that he wanted to comfort him. But he had to know first what he really thought, how he really felt. And the second he heard the word "love," Phra Phai did not hesitate to pull Sky into a hug, along with the overwhelming feeling in his heart.
How much must the other have suffered by lying to him like that?
Therefore, he sat still, holding the slender frame tightly, continuously whispering that he was here and stroking his back, until the trembling subsided and the cries were replaced only by heavy breathing. The tight grip changed to loosely holding his shirt. Phra Phai hugged until he was sure the condition of the person who seemed unable to breathe had improved, then pulled away to look at his face.
The attractive face was still as pale as before, but there was more emotion in his eyes now. It was not just the fear when he saw his face. “Are you feeling better?”
“I am sorry. I am sorry.” The moment he found his voice, Sky spoke an apology first, making him unable to help but smile.
Is this the youth who, upon knowing he was infatuated, discarded him?
Someone with such a guilty look in his eyes could not do something like that.
Absolutely not. “What are you apologizing to me for, hmm?” His cute person looked up at him, then ducked his head down again, making him press a heavy kiss on his brightly colored lips, demanding they make eye contact again. That alone made Sky pour out his inner thoughts.
Phra Phai just sat and listened quietly, without interrupting, even though he wanted to argue desperately that he never went to say he liked a woman whose name he could not even remember. But he restrained himself and kept listening, including how Sky worry that someday he would have to get bored, someday he would have to leave, that someone like him could find someone better. He really wanted to know who the hell put these kinds of truths into this head.
Not for anything, just so he could kill the right person.
This youth was so cute and huggable, but right now, let him explain himself a little. “That night, I did not really say I liked that woman, Sky. I do not know what you heard, but that night I was only thinking of Sky. I did not really pay attention to what anyone said. If I said I liked someone, I meant us, was thinking of us, or was just answering to brush off the annoyance.”
In the youth's eyes, he looked unbelieving, but they had softened a lot, so he had to emphasize.
“Right now, I have only us. If Sky asks me how to make me like you, love you, not get bored of you,” he poked the middle of his chest and said in a firm tone. “Just be Sky as you are. I am already hopelessly gone.”
I have fallen head over heels in love so much that everyone in the house knows about it.
He did not say the last part out loud. When he meets Nong Phan, she will expose him completely. And Phra Phai was also confident that he would definitely date him until he brings him home. There is no way he will not meet her.
“Really?”
Let-me-die! When he grabs his shirt, looks up with spooning eyes, and asks in a trembling voice, I want to devour him damn it.
However, the large man put away his dark side for now, nodded, and pressed a kiss on the soft lips to confirm once more. “Really. I ask for just one thing: do not say that what is between us is just my imagination again. I have never been hurt like this for the first time.”
It was so good that he was the type to charge ahead no matter what. If he had sat crying like a music video hero, not coming to seek the truth, he would have been hurt for a long time. “But I also want to know where Sky got the idea that I would get bored someday.”
Sky hesitated a little, but spoke softly. “My ex.”
The listener frowned sharply. He was starting to hate the face of this ex-boyfriend too much.
“My breakup with him was not good. You could say it was shit-lizard. And what I remember most is when he told his friend that he was bored now, that someone like me is boring, and that I am broken.”
Phra Phai had observed several times that whenever Sky mentioned his ex, his youth would have a frightened expression, his body would tremble, acting as if he was seeing a nightmare standing right in front of him alive, until he pulled his head to press against his shoulder.
“I am not Sky's ex! Do not compare me to that shit-lizard!” the young man ordered in an emphatic tone. The person listening also stiffened a bit, then pressed his frowning face.
If not for Sky acting so scared like this, he would have asked for the name and address so he could go deal with the right person. “And stop thinking that Sky is boring or has nothing good. Sky has more good qualities than you think. Just causing me this much distress, you can be confident in yourself already.”
Rubbing and clinging close, “Someone like Phîi Phai gets distressed?”
He was not sure if this was sarcasm or genuine curiosity, until he could only lift his chin to meet his gaze and see only trepidation, then smile wider and press the tip of his nose. “Look into my eyes, and Sky will see the person who makes me like that.”
The reflection in his eyes was the answer to that question. “But I do not see anything.”
The young man frowned sharply, thinking the youth's condition had improved enough to become stubborn again. But no.
Sky bit his lip. His pale cheeks began to glow red, and then he said in a faint, wispy voice. “Because love... has made me blind.”
Thud!
“Do not even hope that I will let Sky go anywhere!!!”
The moment he finished speaking, both arms hugged the slender frame tightly until there was no space left. And he really wanted to shout into that ex-boyfriend's ear that his Sky was not boring at all; this person here is nothing but cute, no matter what! “I myself must be permanently blind already.”
He surrendered. He truly surrendered.
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