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Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
Kreen.
"Uncle Ae, Uncle Ae, look, it's an airplane! An airplane! Wowww!"
"Mm, an airplane, Nong Yim."
"It's such a tiny airplane, just this size for Nong Yim." My niece's "just this size" means she is holding her thumb and forefinger up to the sky, comparing their width to the distant speck of a plane flying over the house roof. I lift the little girl, who is about to start school, so her small hands can reach out as if to grasp the plane.
[[Translator's Note: "โรงเรียนอนุบาล" (rong rian anuban) literally translates to "nursery school" in English. It refers to an educational institution designed for young children, typically aged 3 to 5 years, before they enter primary school.]]
"In reality, the airplane is enormous, Nong Yim. Big enough that you, I, or even your parents could roll around inside it."
"Wow, airplanes are amazing! Airplanes can take Nong Yim anywhere she wants to go!" Nong Yim spreads her arms like wings, making flying motions as I lift her higher and spin around.
She laughs with pure joy, but all I can say to her is...
"But Uncle Ae hates airplanes."
"Why's that? Uncle Ae, you can't hate Khun Airplane." She looks down at me, making me lower her from the sky. Her small hands reach for my cheeks.
"Airplanes take away people who are important to Uncle Ae, far away. That's why Uncle Ae hates airplanes."
"Uncle Ae, there, there, don't cry."
I realize I am crying only when my niece says so, aware of it when she touches a tiny finger under my eye, comforting me in her innocent voice.
"Uncle Ae, don't cry. Nong Yim hates airplanes now. She'll hate airplanes with Uncle Ae. Airplanes are mean. Airplanes make Uncle Ae cry, so Nong Yim will hit the airplane too." I try to smile back, looking at this little one so upset on my behalf, and I can only softly reply,
"Yes, airplanes are mean."
"Nong Yim, come take a bath, sweetie! Quickly now."
As Nong Yim tries to console me, P'Nut, now five months pregnant, steps out and calls her daughter. I lower Nong Yim to the ground, and she runs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, remember, airplanes are mean... Airplanes make Uncle Ae cry. Nong Yim is mad!" I want to laugh at her sweet, earnest gestures, but I can't quite lift the corners of my mouth. I only manage to meet P'Nut's eyes, looking at me with a sadness that makes me avert my gaze—I don't want everyone in the house to worry.
"Alright, alright, Daddy's beautiful girl, time for your bath."
Then P'Oh, drenched in sweat, steps out from the shop and pats his daughter's back lightly, letting Nong Yim hold hands with P'Nut as they head inside. My older brother then comes over to me.
"Crying in front of your niece—not very manly, Ai'Ae."
"Sorry, P'Oh... It's just... I don't know... I've been tearing up so easily lately," I say with a hint of humor, but P'Oh lifts his eyes, following my gaze, until he sees the airplane moving away, about to disappear from view.
"It's not just lately, is it, Ai'Ae? Our tough Ai'Ae's been a soft-hearted mess for months now." I just smile in response to my brother's words.
Yes, Pete has been in Germany for three months already.
Three months without him, making me feel like I am living without a heart.
Wherever I go, whatever I do, I see his handsome face everywhere. I see his smile, hear his laughter, and remember the tears in his eyes when he told me just how much he loved me. I couldn't even bring myself to help his mother and Aunt Jeab pack up his dorm. That day, I just sat at the edge of the football field, feeling as though every connection tying me to Pete was slowly disappearing, one by one.
The phone number we used to call each other on every day now just has a recorded message saying it is no longer in service.
His Facebook, once filled with sweet updates, has turned into an abandoned page with no activity.
The dorm room where I used to spend so many nights with him has become someone else's rental. His name is no longer on the student roster, transferred to a university in Germany.
Even Tinn has not heard from Pete. Money, his senior, keeps asking where he has disappeared to... No one has had any contact with him. At first, everyone was frantic, searching for him, but as the semester ended, his presence became nothing more than a memory.
Pete... is slowly slipping away from my life... bit by bit.
Thud.
I give my brother's shoulder a light punch, as if to tell him to stop teasing me, and say in my usual calm tone, "Enough already."
"I've been getting better. Go take care of your wife instead. Has P'Nut stopped being sick and tired of her husband yet?"
"Hey, hey, hey! Watch what you're saying, Ai'Ae. My kid is a little angel come to earth, that's why she can't stand the smell of mere mortals. It's not my wife who's sick of me! Don't make me knock you out with my ring, you brat."
"Bring it on, then." I play along easily, throwing up my fists like I'm ready to box him, which makes my brother wave me off.
"I'm too old for scuffling. Anyway, have you thought of playing takraw this evening? I'll come along." His change of topic has made me smile.
"Think you can manage? These days, your belly's gotten so big you probably can't even lift your leg anymore, can you?"
"Hey, don't underestimate your brother. I'll show you just how capable I am... I'm about to have two kids, you know!"
I nod in agreement, accepting his invitation to join the takraw match in our neighborhood, fully aware that my brother has been trying to cheer me up. He would never say it directly, so instead, he's been quietly joining me in things that interest me.
When Pete first disappeared from my life, I hadn't been able to bring myself to do anything. However, every time I thought of drinking, Ai'Pond would yank me up and throw me onto the football field, saying a guy like me shouldn't be drunk and pitiful—better to exhaust myself with sports until I collapsed. Do you know what has happened? This year, our university team has made it to the semi-finals of the inter-university competition.
Maybe because of Pond, I've discovered that the way to sleep without nightmares has been to exert myself to the absolute limit.
I've been playing football relentlessly. I have obsessed over takraw. I've joined volunteer camps. I've tried to do everything I can to keep myself from dwelling on the pain.
But... I've never forgotten.
Every night before I sleep, I still look at the ring on my right ring finger, hearing Pete's voice whispering to me:
"But some people believe that wearing a ring on the right ring finger means you already have a romantic partner... that someone's claimed you. We believe that second meaning... so we're claiming you, Ae."
I've seen his blissful smile. I've seen him holding the ring so tenderly, making me feel a pang of guilt for only giving him a plain silver band. Always in the end… I've fallen asleep with tears every night.
~~~
"Shortyyy! We're here to check on youuu!"
"What are you all doing here? You're in my way."
While my family has had its own way of comforting me, my friends have had theirs... by annoying me as much as humanly possible.
Today has been no different. Even though I've just returned from a volunteer camp yesterday, they've all shown up in full force, like they're about to set up camp in my small house. The ringleaders of this chaotic visit? None other than Ai'Pond and Ai'Sun.
"Heard you've been down."
"You say that every time you come over. This is the third time this month!" I've shot back at my meddling friend. I'll admit that there have been times I've been exasperated with Ai'Pond, but I know he's been worried about me. Otherwise, he wouldn't be showing up so often, especially since it's semester break.
"Quit sulking, Shorty Number One... Shorty Number Two, Ai'Dīe, hand me the snacks."
"You're a mess. It's only noon, and you're planning to start drinking already?" Ai'Mai has looked over at Ai'Dīe, who's been holding two handfuls of snacks, a clear sign that they'll be sticking around until late tonight—and that some of them plan to stay over. Not Ai'Dīe, though. When evening comes, someone will come to pick him up.
"Enough, all of you. Since you're here, make yourselves useful first. I still have work to do." I've scolded them, and Ai'Dieo adjusts his glasses in response.
"I have done it, but will your mother feed me dinner or not? If it is not worth it, I am too lazy." The person who calculates the gains and losses all the time says that, but I unintentionally... unintentionally retort back that...
"Even Pete has carried things for you for free!"
Gulp.
Do not mention me, who freezes; even they all become silent. Furthermore, they turn to look at me with sympathetic eyes, prompting me to shake my head.
"Alright, I will tell my mother." I cut off.
"Hey, no, no, no need, Ai'Ae, I am just joking. If you have anything for us to help with, just say it. I will not take free food anymore. Friends help each other. It is not a problem."
I must be really in bad shape for someone as stingy as Ai'Dīe to say that he is willing to come and work for free right after he finishes speaking.
"Yeah, exercising first is good as well. Tell us, Ai'Mai is ready."
"Hey, hey, I am in too. Is there anything I can help with? I want to exert myself. I want to have abs."
"Oh my Ai'Dīe, will you have abs to ask for a child or a husband yet? Nong Alice will surely be thrilled." When Ai'Dīe tries to express himself eagerly, Ai'Sun interrupts him again until he bares his fangs at Ai'Pond, causing him to laugh loudly.
"Ai'Dīe has been struck again, haha! You truly are a good stress reliever." Once he says that, Ai'Dīe begins to glare at everyone, but when he turns to look at me, he smiles widely.
"Ai'Ae can smile; I am willing to be the clown." That makes me realize that I am smiling, so I have to raise my hand to touch my cheek, and my smile gradually fades as I only tell them that...
"I will go tell Father and Mother first."
Thud!
"Ouch!!" As I turn back into the house, I hear a loud slap, followed by Ai'Dīe's cry.
"You fool! Are you going to greet your husband like that? Ai'Ae can smile, so let him smile! Why are you greeting him in such a silly way?" Then I hear their insults floating behind me, prompting me to shake my head. Even though my heart feels heavy, I surprisingly feel better.
I believe that when we are in distress, having a good friend can really lift our spirits. I have five of them... I must try not to worry them any more than this.
~~~
"Shorty, the well-built, dark-skinned one!!!"
I sit beneath the faculty building, surrounded by first-year students chasing after signatures when the loud voice pierces through the air, causing me to make a startled face. When I look over, I see a former senior who has already graduated running towards me like a bull.
Grab.
"I miss you so much! I have not returned to the university for three or four months... Oh, is your chest more muscular than before? Can I touch it, sis!"
"Just a shameless kathoey, Nong. Do not pay any attention. Who will ask for the next autograph?"
Slap!!!
"You foolish child! Who is shameless? If you are, I will slap you down! And what is this? Is a third-year senior giving out signatures? Little Girls, please line up! Anyone who wants a signature from the short, well-built one must come out and sing a song for me right now, and dance for me to see. Otherwise, you will not get a signature!"
I frown sharply when P'Money, who has probably returned to visit the younger students (though honestly, I am not a junior of theirs because I do not study in the international program), starts ordering my juniors to stand in an orderly line. Amazingly, some of them actually comply.
"Come on, dance!"
"Hey, Phii, I am shy!"
"Well then, little fresh-faced girl, go drag a male friend to dance with you."
I can only sigh as my right to receive a signature is now firmly in the hands of this senior. It is no wonder that everyone must come to find me... This year, I am the senior in charge of regulations, and Ai'Pond, who is the senior teaching the juniors how to sing, has mandated that I must provide my signature.
Thus, the burden of fatigue falls upon me.
"So that you do not have to remain idle."
I think that my life is already exhausting enough as it is.
"By the way, what brings you here?"
"I came to visit the juniors and the professors, of course! Seeing each other, we express our longing!"
P'Money's eyes glance at my male juniors, but her mouth continues to speak to me.
"To see the juniors, just say it plainly."
"Yes! The juniors these days are handsome... Young lady, shimmy your butt a bit more! Dance like a duck, you know, like that. Shake your waist! No need for the fresh-faced girls!"
I shake my head but let out a soft laugh at the madness of this senior. Then I freeze when she speaks to me again.
"Honestly, I want to come and see my beloved junior, but since he moved to study in Germany, I just get to see your dark face instead. It feels like I'm meeting P'Pete again."
I go silent immediately, while the other person does not notice, because I have never taken off my ring, and I have never said that we broke up. Everyone who knows Ai'Pete only knows that he has urgent reasons to move to study in Germany. They all still think that I am in a relationship with him.
"So you see my face and think of him?"
"Of course! You love each other as if you would devour each other! By the way, how is P'Pete? You don't use FaceBook anymore, do you?" I can only remain quiet, and it is fortunate that Money is currently interested in my juniors, so she does not notice that I have gone completely still.
Now it has been... almost eight months.
"It's just you, isn't it? Have you been getting self-absorbed lately? Posting pictures of yourself every day? What is this? Just your dark face? If you are so confident, why don't you take off your shirt for a photo?" P'Money continues her banter, but before I can respond...
Thud!
Smack!
"Ahhh! Who dares to touch my cheek!"
But then, the person next to me screams loudly, causing me to turn and see Ai'Pond, who has appeared from nowhere, rushing in to cover the senior's eyes. He then leans down and gives her a big kiss on the cheek, which makes her scream even more. Ai'Pond quickly does the same to the other cheek, causing me to raise one hand to cover my ear from the noise.
"Hey, sis!"
"Oh my gosh! You, who already has a wife, how can you do this to my delicate cheeks?!"
"P'Money, we aren't married yet!" Not only Ai'Pond has come, but Chae-em quickly chimes in, making Ai'Pond laugh loudly as he runs back to hug his girlfriend and whispers, "Chae-em's cheeks are much softer... You should put on some cream, sis."
"Ai'Pond, you handsome jerk!"
"Are you insulting me? I thought you were praising me!" I can only shake my head and nod at the first-year juniors who are nearly crowding around me, as P'Money turns to argue with Ai'Pond. I grant autographs easily since it is like this outside the classroom, but inside the cheer room, I can be fierce too.
After those two have a little spat, the senior turns to shout at me as I have given nearly ten autographs.
Then I have to sit back, sighing as I watch someone who claims to have returned to visit the university, but I do not understand why they are lingering in the engineering faculty for so long. The screeching sounds drive me crazy.
"This is ridiculous! What kind of person plays pranks like this?"
"You have a bad attitude too, Pond. Stop messing with her!"
"Ooh, the kathoey is screeching! This is hilarious, isn't it, Em?" I comment, finding Ai'Pond's performance even funnier as he raises both hands between his chest and twists back and forth while emitting a screech that sounds like he is wailing, bursting into loud laughter when his girlfriend slaps him on the chest with a smack.
"By the way, why has P'Money come here?"
"I heard they are visiting the professors and juniors," I respond according to what I know, but Ai'Pond always manages to hit the right spot every time.
"Then why are they here? This isn't their faculty." I pause briefly before answering in a flat tone.
"They said they wanted to see their beloved junior, but since he isn't here, they came to see my face instead."
Thud.
Both Ai'Pond and Chae-em fall silent, exchanging glances. I do not mind if my close friends share this story with their partners. They keep this matter only among friends and do not spread it throughout the faculty. I consider that a significant favor. After that, I simply shake my head, pretending that nothing is wrong, even though my heart is in agony.
"Don't look at me like that. I am not involved with him anymore," I say while pulling out my phone.
"Ae, I am asking seriously... asking from my heart..." Suddenly, Ai'Pond questions me in a serious tone, compelling me to meet his gaze directly.
"Do you miss him?"
"..."
I lower my head to glance at my phone for a moment as if contemplating how to answer the question. Then I sigh, raise my gaze to meet the eyes of both friends, and say in a voice that remains steady, even though deep inside... there is no chance of feeling better again.
"If longing could kill someone, I would have died many times over by now."
I respond with just that, while Chae-em seems to try to comfort me but cannot find the words, so I extend the phone in my hand to her.
"Please take a picture for me."
"Are you going to post another picture on Facebook?" Chae-em asks, yet she accepts the phone to take the photo and then returns it to me.
"Yeah, I wonder how you manage to post pictures every single day." Ai'Pond remains his meddlesome self, hitting the right notes as I glance at the phone screen showing a picture of a young man in student attire, hardly different from yesterday's photo. I then stand up and reply simply...
"Because back then, Ai'Pete felt neglected that I never posted any pictures." I inform him before walking out, knowing they must be looking at me with sympathy for doing something that seems pointless or too late.
I do not see it that way though.
That Facebook account, which once posted the status... "In love with moments like this"... remains active and has not been closed.
I therefore hope that even if there are no new updates, it's owner still checks it.
"Ae has no updates at all."
"Well, I don't like taking pictures."
"I just want to know what Ae has been doing."
"I am telling you right here."
The conversation from that time remains in my mind, and now, when I can no longer share with them what each day brings, I resort to posting photos with short captions. I do not care if my friends think I am vain for posting pictures of myself every day or question why I have developed a love for photography. The only person I hope to reach with these posts is the one who is no longer by my side.
I will update every day to let them know that I am okay, that I am fine, and that I... am always waiting for them.
Whoever sees this as a pointless act can think what they like, but for me, it holds a meaning that words cannot explain.
Ai'Pete, how are you doing now? I am doing well. I have learned that when anyone says they will help heal everything, they can only make the wounds come together, but it never erases the scars from my heart.
##
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
"P'Pete, today is fantastic! A girl told me she likes me!"
"Wow, my younger brother has quite the charm! How many girls have told you they like you at just ten years old?"
"Well, it's been a few. What can I say? I'm handsome."
"Haha! Yes, yes! Al is handsome, the most handsome of all!"
The weather in February in Berlin warms up slightly, so after class and parting ways with my friends, I volunteer to pick up my younger brother from elementary school. The moment Alvin sees me, he dashes over to excitedly tell me all about his day, making me laugh.
"However, the most handsome one has to go home now. Today Khun Su said she would make Thai food."
"Oh, awesome!" Alvin has become much better at speaking Thai lately, perhaps because I am around. The mix of German and Thai words has forced him to speak Thai when we are together. At first, he whined about it, but in the end, he complied. Now, one could say Alvin is the person I am closest to.
"Then let's go."
"Don't hold my hand, P'Pete! I am grown up now!" The language barrier is gone, but the issue of him believing he is grown is what gives me a headache.
"And you, P'Pete, aren't you cold in just that? Use my scarf instead," the remarkably tall ten-year-old reaches out to take my thin scarf and wraps his thick, soft one around me instead, smiling broadly.
"You are prone to catching colds, you know? You should keep warm. Otherwise, you'll be a red-eyed bunny in the morning again." I laugh at how mature the ten-year-old sounds, yet I accept his scarf as we walk back to the subway station, unable to shake off his words... red-eyed bunny.
I am not physically sick; rather, I am heartbroken.
In the beginning, when I moved here, everything was tormenting—the weather, the living conditions, the university—so many things made me want to return to Thailand that I could hardly bear it. Moreover, my father has only allowed me to call my mother once a month. Although I could cheat the system, I have still followed his orders.
It is better to comply with his commands than to risk him returning to harm people back in Thailand.
Thus, Alvin's red-eyed bunny refers to the nights I lay alone, crying silently, feeling as if I had reached a dead end, with no light visible from any direction. Yet, the ones I never expected to help me through it are my stepmother and half-brother.
These two strive to make me cheerful, try to prepare my favorite dishes, and take me on trips when my father is too busy to focus on me.
It has been a year since I moved here, and I have overcome the darkest period of my life.
Therefore, I thank them. I try to be a good child, a good elder sibling to repay the kindness they have shown me. Sometimes, I cannot help but think.
The ones who are hardly bound by blood are even better to me than my biological father.
"Today is more special than other days, Khun Pete." When I return home, Khun Su steps out of the kitchen, causing me to furrow my brows slightly as I allow my stepmother to pull me into the dining room, where a cake sits in the center of the table.
"What is this? Whose birthday is it?"
"Whose birthday? Today marks one year since you came to stay with us."
Khun Su tells me with a broad smile while I gaze at the beautifully decorated cake, which reads "1 anniversary," making my lips curl into a smile.
"Thank you so much, but wait, my father…"
"Today Khun Phum is not coming back. He is still in Switzerland." I sigh with relief as I am ushered to sit down to enjoy the meal they both sincerely prepared for me, while I whisper to myself softly.
Has it really been a year? Why does it feel as long as ten years?
I thank them for ensuring that this one year has not been too dreadful, yet I apologize to them for never feeling it has been a happy time, even for a single day.
Once the small gathering concludes, I excuse myself to my room, which has become a sanctuary. I turn on my computer, as I usually do, accessing the website I visit daily. I enter my password, which I have never allowed the computer to remember, swiftly before I… smile.
"Today Ae is well, isn't he?" I whisper to myself as I reach my trembling hand to touch the screen, which displays an image of a man in a football uniform, accompanied by a short message stating…
Today we won.
"Congratulations, Ae. I am glad you won again," I continue speaking to the photograph in a soft voice before moving the mouse to view the photo album that Ae created a year ago—an album that, at first, I did not realize was made for me. In the early days of my stay here, I dared not open Facebook, fearing I would see something that my heart could not bear. However, upon accessing it, several photographs captured my interest.
Today is scorching hot.
Today I went with Ai'Dīe.
Today I helped out at home.
Today is my niece's birthday.
Today my nephew was born.
A multitude of short messages as if he is telling a story to someone, and I come to understand that he is narrating his life to me. It has become a daily routine for me to sit quietly behind the computer screen, looking at his photos, gazing into his eyes, looking at his face, looking at his smile.
365 days, 365 pictures that make me cry every time I see them.
"Ae, do not do this…" Even though I say that, I am filled with hope every time I turn on the computer. It becomes happiness for less than ten minutes each day in this torturous existence... Moments where it seems that he and I are still connected.
I grasp the ring on my right ring finger, which I have never removed even once, still.
Ae said that if I do not love him, I should take it off, but I cannot even pull it off my finger, let alone discard it.
"Ah." But then, I see something pop up on the screen... a song. I see that it is just something, but I tremblingly slide my hand to click on it.
"It must be love... that keeps me... standing here~"
Poh... poh... poh...
As the beautiful song plays, my tears drop onto the keyboard as I listen to the lyrics filled with meaning and memories between the two of us."
The sound of my ringtone.
The song he chose to sing for me.
The song in which he confessed his love to me.
And it is the song... that he is telling me that... He still loves me.
"Hic... Ae, do not do... this... do not do this... Where is the promise... where is the promise... Hic, hic..." I crouch down, curling up as tears drop and flow down my cheeks, crying out with the softest sobs I can manage while letting the sweet, heartfelt love song echo throughout the bedroom, almost shattering my heart.
I can only utter, "I... still love Ae... love Ae... hic... love Ae always."
A year has never diminished the feelings I have for him but has instead intensified them each day to the point that I want to be angry at myself.
Why do I love him this much? Why does he still do so much for me? And why... Can we not be in love with each other?
"I love Ae, you know... love Ae, okay?"
In the end, I still appear as a red-eyed rabbit the next day, prompting my younger brother to tease me, all while I ask myself... When will this time of torment finally come to an end?"
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