Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
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Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
"Can we stop by the football field first?"
During the ride back to the university, I remain silent, staring out the window. I let my thoughts drift aimlessly, not even able to grasp what I'm thinking anymore. When we are less than ten minutes from the dorm, I break the silence, speaking in a calm voice. Although Ai'Pete turns to look at me, he doesn't say anything.
Right now, I don't want him to say anything either.
It hurts.
That word rises in my mind as the weight in my chest feels unbearable, like a water-filled balloon about to burst. I want to throw it away, but I can't let it go. The image of defeat keeps burning in my head. No matter how hard I try not to think about it, whenever I stare off into the distance, that memory returns to torment me again.
Why did we lose?
I don't know how many times I've asked myself this question, and the frustration feels impossible to describe. I can usually let things slide, but there are some things I just can't.
One of them is Ai'Pete.
Two, it's about football.
Right now, I feel like... I've had my heart broken.
If a broken heart feels like a weight pressing on your chest, pain inside, yet no tears fall, then this must be it. It's that sense of frustration where you don't even know how to let it out. While others get angry, frustrated, or upset, the moment I realized we lost, I just went still... so still that I couldn't speak. All that echoed in my mind was, We lost. We lost. We lost.
I hate losing. I want to throw a tantrum like a child and scream about why I lost.
What did I do wrong? How was the other team better than us? No matter how many times I ask myself, the frustration keeps building, like adding water to a balloon, making it heavier and heavier... so heavy that I can hardly hold onto it.
Thud.
As I grit my teeth, I suddenly feel a warm touch on my upper arm, causing me to turn toward the person beside me. Ai'Pete looks at me with concern before turning back to the road. But instead of pulling his hand away, he slides it down my arm, intertwining his fingers with mine.
Then he asks softly, "Ae, are you okay?"
Of course I'm not. I feel like crying.
That's what I think. But strangely, just feeling Ai'Pete's hand holding mine makes me feel better. It's like someone has pierced a hole in that heavy balloon, letting the weight drain away. The suffocating feeling eases, all because of a simple question: Are you okay?
"I don't know... I just feel suffocated."
"Suffocated?" he asks, prompting a heavy sigh from me.
"Yeah, suffocated... in my chest... It feels terrible, but I can't explain it. I just know that I feel bloody suffocated. I hate this fucking feeling so much. I wish I could tear my chest open and see what the hell is stuffed in there, making me feel this suffocated." I vent to him.
He doesn't interrupt, just listens until I finish. Then, Ai'Pete squeezes my hand tighter.
"I understand... that feeling of suffocation. I understand, Ae. Maybe the situation is different, but that feeling... I know it well." I turn to look at him and see that he's giving me a sad smile.
"When P'Trump threatened me for money, when I was terrified that my mom would find out I'm gay, I was so suffocated I wanted to die... I know that feeling very well."
I just look at Pete, sensing how much it pains him to bring this up. But with the shitty feeling in my chest, I can't help but ask him,
"Then what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything, Ae. You did."
"Me?" I lock eyes with Ai'Pete, who turns to glance at me again as he signals to turn into the university with one hand before offering me a smile.
"Yes... you were the one who helped me. You made me stop feeling suffocated. You gave me the courage to face reality. Then because of what you said, that you would protect me... those words made me who I am today." He smiles softly, but his hand keeps gripping mine, as if to tell me he's still here, right beside me. It's enough to make me close my eyes.
I hate losing, but I have to accept it when it happens. Yet this time, having Ai'Pete by my side brings me an unexpected calm.
"I still have next time," I murmur to myself.
I may not get over this in a day or two, but telling myself that losing this time doesn't mean I'll lose forever gives me a small surge of hope in my chest.
Some tennis players spend their entire lives trying to beat just one rival. So how could I give up over just a university sport? Have I really done my best? Am I sure that I'm good enough yet? I need to train harder, focus more if I want to achieve victory.
I think about it, but a part of me still refuses to accept this reality.
"We're here." Before I know it, the Benz is parked beside the football field, with the sun setting in the background.
"Want to go for a walk?" I ask, not really needing a response because I release Ai'Pete's hand first and step out of the car. He quickly follows.
Grab.
When Ai'Pete stands beside me, I reach out and tightly hold my romantic partner's hand, leading him toward the football field, where only a few people are exercising. Some of them probably haven't even heard the news that the football team already...
...lost.
I lead Ai'Pete around the football field in silence. We keep walking, hand in hand, without a word.
"We lost... it's hard to believe that yesterday we were celebrating, and today... we lost..." I don't know why I'm repeating this to myself.
Maybe it's just a way of letting it out. Ai'Pete doesn't say anything, just follows where I lead. I fall silent again, my eyes wandering toward the horizon, now softly glowing orange.
"Pete."
"Yes?" When I call, he responds immediately.
I turn to meet his eyes, which are filled with concern for me. Then I lift our joined hands and gently shake them before saying...
"I used to think that walking hand-in-hand with someone was pointless, until..." I trail off, looking at him as he listens intently to what I'm saying.
"...until I met you."
I smile, though it's still a smile filled with disappointment. But I've just realized that when your heart feels unsteady, having someone important by your side is like having someone to help hold you up. So I pull Ai'Pete into a hug without caring about anyone around.
"Thank you for being here... next to me." I tighten the hug, and Ai'Pete hugs me back, whispering softly.
"I want to stay right here, not going anywhere." I smile again, resting my head on his shoulder. Even though my shoulders are slumped in weakness, I know I'll be okay as long as Ai'Pete stays by my side, holding me like this.
Right now, my heart aches, but I'm glad I have this man in my arms.
Perspective - Khaen (Khaen-ta-lup)
"Ai'Tinn, I feel hurt! Hurt! It hurts like hell!!!"
Even though I just cried my eyes out, I still rant on. I have been flailing about for a while, but the Khun-chai who brought me here to eat remains calm, looking at me silently and nodding in the same rhythm.
"I know you're hurting... just eat."
"I feel like I'm going to choke!" I shovel a mound of rice into my mouth while talking, sending grains scattering, making the person across from me look as if he's tired of my antics.
However, since he continues to listen to my complaints, I keep rambling on, shoving rice into my mouth so quickly that I barely have time to chew. My condition might have eased Ai'Tinn's worries, making him think I was better, but... no, not at all.
"You've made a mess," he says, dissatisfied, and then hands me a napkin to wipe my mouth.
I look up at him, my chewing gradually slows until it comes to a halt. I am completely still, like a child holding food in their mouth.
"What's wrong again?"
I grasp the spoon and fork, holding them upright on the table, but I can't move them anymore. I can't force myself to act normal. I know Ai'Tinn is worried about me. I also know I have cried too much, more than any man should. So, I swallow down the sobs that threaten to burst out and try to stuff more food into my mouth. But... it isn't delicious. I can't taste anything. I don't even know what I am eating.
Plop.
"Hey, Khaen."
At this moment... tears stream down my cheeks again. He calls out to me, but I don't respond. I have a mouthful of food, tears flowing down, and I am sobbing so hard my shoulders shake.
I tell him… "I'm fine," as more rice flies out of my mouth.
Everyone around us turns to look at me, as Ai'Tinn lets out a heavy sigh and moves to sit on the same side as me.
"First of all, swallow it down."
Shake, shake.
I shake my head quickly, making him sigh again. Then he picks up a glass of water and holds it to my lips.
"Swallow it down or spit it out. You're going to choke if you keep eating and crying at the same time."
When he brings the glass closer to my mouth again, I finally drank the water, pushing the big lump of food down into my stomach.
"Ai'Tinn, I can't eat," I drop my head onto his shoulder.
"Then I'll calculate the bill, and I'll take you home."
Thump.
As soon as he says he'll take me home, I hug his waist tightly. I no longer care whether he's a guy or a girl. I just hold on to him and shake my head vigorously against his shoulder, muffling my words as I tell him,
"I'm not going home... I'm not going... I don't want Nong Le to tease me."
I don't want everyone at home to know that I lost because I bragged a lot about winning for sure. The Khaen team is the best in the world! With this outcome though, do I really want to walk in and admit I lost? I'll definitely be teased by Ai'Lemon for an entire week. So... I'm not going home!
"If you're not going home, then where are you going?" When he asks, I lift my tear-stained face to look at him.
"To your house."
"My house?"
Thump.
I nod vigorously as the waiter walks over to calculate the bill, waving to Ai'Tinn.
Then I say to him in the clearest voice I can muster while crying, "Let's... have sex."
"What!?!"
No, it isn't Tinn who screams in surprise, but the female employee who lets out a shriek. The hand that is placing the bill drops it on the floor immediately, so she has to hurriedly bend down to pick it up. Her mouth only mutters…
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't hear anything."
However, anyone who thinks I would be embarrassed that others overheard is mistaken. I still tell Ai'Tinn in the same way,
"C'mon, let's have sex."
"Heh, you…" Although he seems surprised, he lets out a heavy sigh, pulls out some cash, places it on the table, and then tugs my arm to get up.
Just like every time, I let him lead, but this time, I'm easier than ever, squeezing his hand back and shaking it, even while using the other sleeve to wipe my face.
"C'mon, Ai'Tinn. Sleep with me."
He doesn't say anything until he pushes me into the car without a hint of gentleness. He then returns to the driver's seat and turns to look at me directly.
"Why do you want to sleep with me?"
When he asks, I respond, "Because I want to forget."
The outside light makes me see him raise an eyebrow slightly, so I need to elaborate on the theory in my head for him to understand.
"I've heard that sex between guys, the first time, hurts a lot. So right now, I want something painful. If my body hurts a lot, I'll be able to forget how much it hurts to lose. I think it will work better than getting drunk. So please help me, otherwise I won't be able to sleep tonight, and I'll definitely have nightmares."
I tell him in a serious tone, and I'm not kidding. I genuinely want to sleep with him, but I want to sleep with him because I want to forget.
"That's ridiculous."
"What's ridiculous about it?" But Ai'Tinn instead scolds me, prompting me to ask him back in a firm voice.
"You want to sleep with me because you want to forget, is that it? So, does that mean you'll sleep with anyone then?"
I am too lazy to sit and think about what it actually means. I only know that he is making a frustrated face at me again, even though just now he was kind to me.
I then say to him in an assertive voice, "You're not going to sleep with me, are you?"
"No, I don't want just that."
"Good! Then I'll go sleep with someone else!!!" I declare firmly.
Since Ai'Tinn said he likes me, he shouldn't allow me to go sleep with anyone, so he should agree to sleep with me. But it turns out that...
"Suit yourself."
"Ai'Tinn!!!"
"Then you can get out of my car. There must be someone around here for you to sleep with."
I am angry—very angry—that he is speaking to me like this. Sure, I am sarcastically saying I will sleep with someone else, but is it right for him to kick me out to sleep with anyone!!!
When he says that, I refuse to get out. Instead, I quickly pull the seatbelt across me, feeling heated at the corner of my eyes again.
"I'm not going!!"
It's not enough that I'm hurt about losing the competition. Why does it hurt so much that Ai'Tinn is pushing me to sleep with someone else?
"Khaen."
"I'm not going. I am going to sleep with you. I want to have sex with you, okay!!!" I shout loudly in the car, causing the driver to sigh at me again while turning to look at me with my arms crossed tightly, insisting that I will not get out of his car.
Then he asks, "And didn't you say you could sleep with anyone?"
"I was being sarcastic, damn it! Are you out of your mind? I may be crazy, but that doesn't mean I'd offer my ass to just anyone. Do you really want me to be hurt about losing and then get screwed by some random dog? The reason I said I wanted to sleep with you is because I only want to sleep with you. Can't you help me out just a little?" I shout again in the car, glaring at Ai'Tinn like I mean business, prompting him to ask me once more.
"You want to sleep with only me?"
"Yeah! Only you! I wouldn't let any other guy screw me, just you. Happy now?"
"And why does it have to be me?"
I'm seriously frustrated at having to explain this crap to him, but since he's asking, I explode with everything that's been bottled up inside me from before.
"I don't know!!! All I know is when you disappeared, I was like a monkey that had its banana taken away. I missed you like hell. I went looking for you at the faculty, but you weren't there. I searched for you at the field, but you didn't show. I messaged you, but you didn't reply. I even asked for your bank account number, and you wouldn't give it to me. Are you trying to suffocate me with frustration? Then when you finally show up, it's now, and you're making me realize that I won't let anyone else see my tears. Only you can see them. So, you're the only one I want to sleep with. I want you to help me forget this damn loss once and for all!"
I'm panting heavily. I didn't pause at all while talking, but the guy I'm yelling at just smiles at me.
"What the hell are you smiling at!"
"Get out of the car, Khaen."
"What!?!"
I'm about to cry now. After everything I just said, he's still telling me to get out of the car. I feel like punching him, but Ai'Tinn just points.
"Do you see that convenience store? Go in and buy some condoms and lubricant. I haven't slept with anyone lately, and I'm out of condoms. You need to use the lubricant."
I'm left gaping before I ask and emphasize again, "Are you going to sleep with me?"
"Don't make me say it twice. Can you go after I count to three? One...
Crack.
No need to wait to count further. I open the door and dash off to the convenience store, looking completely disheveled. The clerk must think I'm crazy for choosing condoms with such a wide smile on my face. Since I don't know which kind to buy (yeah, I've never done this—no need to remind me), I just grab every type without caring how anyone looks at me.
I still don't know if I'm okay with Ai'Tinn, but I'm really happy that he said he would agree to sleep with me.
Perspective - Tinn Metthanun
I know that Khaen is singularly clueless, but even in a situation like this, he should know what to do.
"I've finished showering. What do you want me to do next?"
Right now, I'm looking at the person who just walked out of the bathroom completely nude—not even a towel. His dry body tells me he was smart enough to dry himself off properly but too obtuse to put on any clothes, and he is now standing there shivering in front of the door.
If I were to call him a nitwit, he's probably been that way since he entered my bedroom.
When he arrived, he just stripped naked and almost jumped onto the bed until I ordered him to take a shower. I don't plan to sleep with someone in his condition. That is fine, because he followed my orders completely. Now he just stands there with a big smile on his face.
"Can I get on the bed now? I'm cold."
If I'm losing my mood, it's because of his actions.
I sigh and watch Khaen jump onto the bed the moment I nod. He turns to smile at me.
"Hurry up, Ai'Tinn. Make me forget my heartache already."
"I haven't showered yet."
"That's okay. I don't mind."
I'm really exhausted by his thoughts, but I walk over to the bed. I see him rummaging through the bags from the convenience store, piling things onto the bed while chatting away non-stop.
"I don't know what kind you like, so I just grabbed everything. As for the lubricant, I asked the clerk, but he wouldn't answer me. What's with being embarrassed? Sex is a natural part of being human. If you don't have knowledge, how can you recommend products? So, I randomly picked a bottle. I guess it should work as long as it's slippery."
Then I ask him again… "Aren't you scared?" Before he can talk any more, I ask Khaen this, making him look up at me.
He smiles sheepishly. "I am scared, but I told you I want to feel pain, so just go ahead."
I push him down onto the bed and reach out to tousle his hair, exposing his pale forehead as I look into his almond eyes, which are locking onto mine.
"I won't cause you pain."
"But, I…"
"However, I will make you so happy that you forget all about football and losing."
I am not a sadist who enjoys hurting my partner. If he wants to forget his defeat, I will make him think of me instead. As soon as I say this, he smiles, and then Khaen wraps his arms around my neck.
"Then go ahead." Even though Khaen has no charm whatsoever, his words are often vulgar and unappealing, and his body isn't particularly sexy either, somehow, just by smiling, just by pulling me down to kiss him, I might very well find myself defeated.
I can't believe it, but I have to. A person with my level of experience is getting excited just because Khaen is nibbling at my lips. I have to slide my hand to caress his skin, cool from just having showered. It feels good enough that I end up stealing a kiss, slipping my tongue into his mouth, wrapping it around his soft tongue that I've grown fond of, delivering a kiss that lets Khaen know I've never been serious before.
"Mm." I am gently stroking his back up and down, then moving my hand to his waist, trailing my fingertips along his fair skin, causing Khaen to let out a soft sound in his throat. Meanwhile, his hands are roaming all over my back as well.
"I'm definitely drunk from kissing you," he tells me in a hoarse voice, while his lips, smeared with saliva up to the edges, are giving me a smile.
"Give me another kiss, will you? I like it," I laugh as I lean down to press my lips against his again.
I reach out to squeeze and caress his chest, which is quite different from a woman's. However, those small nubs in the middle of his chest have a certain charm that draws me in, prompting me to pinch and rub them gently with my fingertips until they harden.
"Ugh," I pull away from Khaen's lips, moving down to his chest. I run my tongue along one side and gently nibble, causing him to flinch.
"Is it fun playing with my... chest?"
"It's nice," I reply simply as he seems to try to pull away.
"That feeling, it tickles."
Swish!
"Ugh... Mmm... Damn, that feels intense."
When I lick, the person who says they are ticklish arches their body up. Both of their hands grip my head tightly, but I don't say anything to them, other than showering kisses all over their chest and stomach, moving down almost to the part I think I could never touch in this lifetime.
Grab.
Don't think I'm going to lick it for him. I just grab it with one hand. That alone makes Ai'Khaen shudder, and then he says to me…
"Others doing it... ha, it's better... than doing it myself... for sure."
I smile as I move my hand up and down his length while undoing my belt, then I pull Khaen's hand to grab my growing erection–that is because of him, making him gasp in surprise.
"You're really turned on... by me, for real... Ai'Tinn." He says without realizing how close he is to release.
Yet Khaen still grabs me, stroking me the same way he usually does himself. As I kiss him again, his other hand tries to pull off my shirt.
"Ah... ahh... Tinn... harder... Give me more."
"You're about to finish, aren't you?"
"Of fuck!" He curses at me, but he's the one pressing harder against me, rubbing himself even more.
I keep looking at his flushed face, which is clearly showing how much pleasure he's getting just from my hand. Khaen clenches his teeth, letting out a low moan from his throat, while his hips grind harder against me, making both of our bodies rub together.
"I... ah... ahh... I..." Khaen suddenly clings to me tightly as he releases, spilling onto my hand, making him wince.
"Are you done yet?"
"Not yet... I can go more... It's just that I've never had anyone do this for me before," he says, panting, his face flushed with embarrassment, which pleases me to see.
Thud.
Therefore, I push his legs high, gently rubbing along the back entrance, causing him to gasp sharply.
"Uh... Ai'Tinn... will it... will it hurt?"
I do not answer his question. Instead, I grab the gel bottle and squeeze it directly onto the tight entrance, causing Khaen to close his eyes tightly. All traces of the bravado he showed earlier vanish completely, leaving only someone trembling with fear. However, he still willingly spreads his legs, allowing me to slowly push my gel-covered finger inside.
"Again... it..." He says just that but pulls the pillow tightly against him, allowing me to gradually slide my finger in and out slowly.
I feel the intense heat and the rhythmic clenching that makes my entire lower body tense up while I add a second finger... then a third, making him bite his lip tightly. He shakes his head back and forth as if he wants to stop, but he does not say it aloud.
"How does it feel?"
"I... I don't know. Ugh... I don't know. I... I don't know," he repeats that over and over while I use my mouth to tear open the condom wrapper in preparation.
Right now, I feel his entrance expanding, but it still clenches tightly, making me pull my fingers out slowly.
I put the condom on myself, then I turn Khaen onto his stomach.
"Aaah" Are you... are you coming in already? Are you coming in?" He starts to make noise as I push against the entrance. As I lean down over his back, I'm not sure if I can get in or not, but I grab Khaen's chin to turn his face back toward me, preparing to seal my lips against his.
"Uhh!!!" As expected, he lets out a loud cry straight into my throat, but his voice gets swallowed by me completely. Meanwhile I slide my hand down to grasp his hot shaft. I tug at it, making him tense up and breathe heavily. He still moves closer to kiss me more fiercely.
Gasp! "You!"
My head goes in as I push slowly, feeling the pain of the tightness. At the same time, I feel good with the almost melting heat inside.
I breathe heavily, my breath warm and my body soaked in sweat as I growl in my throat. "So good!"
I feel great, but I still have the awareness to care for the person in my embrace. I kiss him, lick his cheek, and stroke him until he moans heavily, then I slowly move my body.
"How... does it... feel... ah..."
"I... don't know... you... I don't know... ah, ah..." He says he doesn't know, but his breath comes in gasps, his body flushes red. I push harder into him, feeling him tremble as he pants, and then he starts moving his hips in sync with my thrusts.
"Ah! It feels so intense... Ai'Tinn, I... I feel so damn good... ah!" Sometimes, Khaen has the benefit of saying exactly how he feels, because as I push into him there, he moans in such a pleasing way, repeatedly begging me to…
"More... You... right there... more..."
Grab.
I grab his hips with both hands and plunge in fiercely, forcefully... feeling as if I am about to die from the overwhelming pleasure.
"I can't... I can't take it... I'm about to... can't hold it anymore..." He once more releases into my hand, and that pushes me over the edge.
As the firm grip around my shaft tightens. I increase the pace, thrusting harder, grabbing his waist, feeling like I could collapse right there from how intense it is... until…
"Khaen... ah... ah... ummm..." I moan, releasing everything and closing my eyes for just a moment... Then I slowly pull out and collapse beside him.
His heavy breathing causes his body to rise and fall for a while. After some time, Khaen turns to look at me, his face flushed red, even more than before…
"One more time... It felt so good, Ai'Tinn."
Mostly, I have to teach him to understand his own feelings. Also though, I need to teach him enough of a sense of decorum to be shy.
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