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Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
Getting to know new friends is neither frightening nor exciting, but meeting Ae's friends leaves me utterly at a loss.
"Wow, is this the kid from IC you were talking about? Damn, so freaking handsome, man. Ai Pond, you're done for. Standing there like that, you look like Ai'Dark now." One of Ae's large friends shouts loudly, turning to talk to Pond, who appears entirely at a loss for words.
"If I'm Ai Dark, then what do you call Ai Ae? A lunar eclipse or something?"
"But we think you're darker than Ae."
"Oh, come on, Ai Bow, this isn't called dark. It's called sun-kissed skin. Ever heard of it, Khun Beautiful? I've got Latin blood. My skin's inherited all the good genes from my dad," Pond, who is confident in his handsomeness, retorts, turning to argue with the only woman in the group.
However, it seems she pays little attention to Pond, instead looking at me with a gaze that makes me increasingly uneasy.
Poke poke
"Hey, hey, you."
"Uh, yes, yes." Even though I feel strange about this cute-looking girl who gets up from her chair to stand in front of me and pokes my arm with her finger, I quickly reply, not daring to pull my arm away.
"So handsome. Do you have a romantic partner yet? I'm single, you know. You can date me..."
"Uh..."
"Wow, such a brazen fucking rhino. Your friend is so damn brazen, Ai Piing." Pond interrupts even before the sentence is finished, wearing an expression of utter disapproval.
I can only offer a weak smile, looking at the girl in front of me as she turns to bare her teeth at Pond.
How should I respond to her?
Smack!
"What species are you, huh? A rhino crossed with a fucking lizard? A new hybrid animal or what?"
"Because you're both species! And why the hell are you hitting me now?"
"Shut it, you mutt-blood!" I glance left and right, wanting to intervene but not knowing how to stop these two from bickering. But then, in the next instant, I flinch as Ae's female friend turns back and locks eyes with me.
"Ah! I'm not a harsh woman, you know. I'm sweet, adorable, and you can really date me!"
"Enough, Bow. I seriously can't handle your antics right now," Ae interjects, stepping in to stand between Bow and me.
I exhale softly in relief because I genuinely don't know whether this is a joke or if she's being serious. After all, no one would be thrilled if I were to straightforwardly say...
I do not like women.
I can already imagine how Ae's friends would react. I would surely become some kind of anomaly in their eyes.
"What? Who wouldn't want him? Handsome like this—everyone would want him!"
"And has anyone told you that as a woman, you should act reserved?" Ae asks with a stoic face, which I fear might anger his friend. However, Bow's response leaves me both stunned and worried.
"No one! My mom taught me that if you're slow, you miss out! These days, there are fewer men and more women. If you don't adapt, you'll end up on the shelf in this lifetime!" Bow replies with utmost sincerity, so much so that I offer a faint smile.
Meanwhile, the one named Piing bursts out laughing, seeming quite amused by his friend's words, but Ae only shakes his head in disapproval.
"I will never introduce you to my niece."
I cannot help but notice that whenever Ae talks about his niece, he seems gentler than usual, which makes me smile faintly.
"Ha! Ai Bow, give it a rest. It's clear this IC kid already belongs to someone," Piing says, waving Bow away.
Bow stomps off to sit at the table, leaving Ae frowning deeply before turning to question another friend. "Didn't you say you were getting noodles? Why is it red pork noodle soup?"
"In my house, anything with broth and noodles counts as 'noodles.' Here, if you want tom yum, add lots of chili. If you want clear soup, just tell them not to season it."
I almost burst out laughing at this but hold back because of the stares from Ae's two friends. They must be wondering who I am to be with Ae like this.
"Fine, fine. Noodles are noodles... But can you eat this, Pete? I forgot to ask," Ae says, looking thoughtful before turning to me.
I offer him a faint smile and nod, not wanting him to think I am someone overly picky. To be honest, I have eaten roadside noodles before, but only twice, back in high school.
Ah, I am not brave enough to tell Ae that.
Ae looks unconvinced for a moment, then laughs and drags me to sit with his friends. He introduces everyone, but I must admit I avoid making eye contact with Bow as much as possible.
"What do you want to eat, Pete?"
"Uh... I'll have the same as Ae," I reply hesitantly, unsure what to order. Ae looks surprised for a moment before laughing, just as Pond, seated on my other side, bursts out laughing loudly.
"Are you sure, Pete? You've eaten with him before, right? Ae eats like a laborer. Even two bowls mixed together don't fill him up. You think you can finish his portion?" Pond asks, laughing. I can only offer a sheepish smile, realizing I had completely forgotten. Whenever we eat together, Ae's plate is always more loaded than everyone else's.
"Then I'll have... uh..." What should I order?
I am at a loss, especially since the table is so small that with five people crammed around it, shoulders or knees are bound to bump. On one side, Bow, the only woman at the table, has claimed her spot, while Piing, who is bigger than the rest, takes up an entire side. This leaves Ae and me squeezed together on one side.
I am not sure if it's the heat of the night or my own nerves making me sweat all over my hands.
Pat.
Gasp!
I flinch when Ae places his hand on my knee without letting his friends notice. I turn to meet his eyes, startled, as he moves closer to me and whispers softly, just as the others are ordering from the vendor.
"You don't know what to order, do you? I'll order for you."
Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.
Even though this is just a roadside noodle stall near the university, crowded with students and others grabbing a late meal past 8 PM, the world around me seems to fall silent. I barely hear anything except Ae's whisper, feel his gentle squeeze on my knee as if reassuring me, and notice the closeness that lasts only a few seconds but makes my heart pound uncontrollably.
Everything he does to care for me makes me...happy.
The sound of conversations fills the air.
Cars pass by with loud engines.
The heat is stifling.
Yet, at this moment, I can feel only one thing...Ae sitting beside me, taking care of me just as he promised he would.
"Uncle, I'll have one bowl of dry noodles with crispy pork and one with char siu and extra wontons. Oh, make them special, please," Ae says.
"Well, well, ordering food for each other now? Didn't you say there was nothing between you two?"
"Mind your own business!" Ae snaps.
I snap out of my thoughts as Pond teases loudly, prompting Ae to respond with a single word that makes Pond grimace.
"There you go again! If it's not 'bloody fucking cur,' it's 'mind your own business.' Can't you come up with a more creative insult?"
"Trash!"
"Whoa! Right in my face, huh?" Pond yells dramatically as Ae turns back, grabs a pair of chopsticks from the plastic box, and hands them to me before taking some for himself.
"See? You only grabbed for Pete! What about us?" Pond points accusingly, his finger directed at the chopsticks still in my hand, making my cheeks heat up slightly.
Ae picked them up...just for me.
"You've got hands, don't you? Grab them yourself!" Ae replies, sounding slightly annoyed. I hurriedly pass the chopsticks in my hand to Pond and reach for another pair.
Grab.
"Ah." But Ae grabs my hand before I can move, arguing with his friend over my head. I can only sit there, tense, staring at his hand holding mine.
"You don't need to give him anything, Ai'Pete... Why? He's always gotten things himself before."
"Well, I just figured Pete has hands too, right? But you still grabbed it for him. Just admit it, Ai Shorty—what exactly is going on between you two? Don't make me exhaust myself by prying into this."
I feel uneasy, not wanting to be the reason these two are arguing, even though they always bicker. Now it's about me too.
"Why don't you just stop sticking your nose in, you bloody fool? Then you won't be so exhausted."
"No way. Meddling in your business is fun for me!" Pond chortles.
Ae rolls his eyes and waves his hand as if to say he's done arguing, just as Piing grins and asks teasingly, "So, what's the deal between you and Ai'Ae, Pete?"
The question leaves me stunned. Both of them stop and look at me—Ae's gaze seems worried, as if telling me I don't have to answer, while Pond stares expectantly, urging me to respond. I remain silent, overwhelmed.
All the while, Ae keeps absentmindedly holding my hand, the one gripping the chopsticks, until I tighten my fingers slightly.
To Ae, I'm probably just a friend. But to me...Ae is so much more.
"Ae is..."
"Two dry noodles, one soup noodle, wonton soup, and one special dry noodle with extra wontons, ready!"
Before I can finish, Auntie, the wife of the shop owner, arrives with several steaming bowls, setting them on the table. Everyone's attention shifts to the fragrant food, stirring up our appetites.
"Auntie, I'll have another special wonton soup right away, so there's no break!" Piing, still interested in my answer moments ago, yells his order and quickly grabs chopsticks to mix his noodles.
At the same time, Ae slides a bowl of dry noodles in front of me, briefly meeting my eyes before calling out to the shop owner.
"Auntie, could I get a bowl of soup too? Just in case you don't like it dry," he explains to me, releasing my hand and turning to focus on his own food.
Honestly, even though I'm eating noodles in front of the university, why does it feel like I'm dining at Centara Grand? Perhaps it's even better, because right now...I have the person I like sitting close to me, so close our shoulders are touching. That's all it takes.
Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
Do you feel the same way I do—that Ai Pond is unbelievably annoying? He just keeps pestering me about Pete. I've already told him, Pete's just a friend. I only need to take care of him a little more, that's all.
If you could see Pete's face right now, you'd understand why he looks so pitiful. Khun-chai glances nervously left and right, unsure what to say. Someone is asking him one thing, and someone else is probing him about something else. Even Bow, who I've always thought wasn't interested in any man, keeps looking at him with sparkling eyes.
Alright, I'll admit Bow is cute; I've thought so since the first time I met her. But I swear I'd never introduce my niece to someone like her.
What kind of woman is this? Always acting so slow yet insistent. Are all women like this these days?
As for why I ordered the food and even grabbed chopsticks for Ai Pete, it's because he looked flustered, like he couldn't decide what to order. So I ordered for him. But that damn Pond just kept finding things to pick on him for. Why didn't I grab chopsticks for Bow, the only woman in the group? Because I've eaten with her many times, and every time she fusses that the chopsticks must be the same length. Seriously, whether they're short or long, as long as they work, isn't that enough?
So, I avoided the hassle and only grabbed them for Ai'Khun-chai.
And when his cheeks turn red, like he's embarrassed, I find it...quite endearing.
"Pete is so handsome. Even eating noodles, he looks like a prince—totally unlike the three laborers here," Bow says, starting a new topic.
It makes me turn to look at the person sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with me, and I get it.
Just like our friend said.
"Oh, you're so fair, huh? We're laborers, and Pete's a prince," Ai Pond exclaims loudly, as expected.
"Or is it not true?"
I agree with Bow on this one. Ai Pete carefully picks up the noodles, eats without any noise, and chews with his mouth closed. Even when sipping the soup, there's not a sound. As for the rest of us? If we could stick a straw in the bowl and slurp it, we would. Bow's remark seems to make Ai Pete give a small, awkward smile.
"Uh, so how should I eat?" This guy asks so innocently. And, of course, Ai Pond doesn't miss the chance to demonstrate.
"Like this, man!"
"Disgusting!"
Naturally, I agree with Bow again when she comments, as Ai Pond loudly slurps the noodles in a way that's truly appalling.
"Disgusting, what? When you eat noodles, you've got to slurp loudly, damn it. When you sip soup, it has to make noise for it to taste good!"
"Are you part Italian or part Chinese?" Ai Piing quips with a chuckle, making Ai Pond grin broadly.
"My dad's part Chinese, you see. Hey, Ai Pete, slurp your noodles loudly, I promise it'll taste amazing!" He even urges Khun-chai, who hesitates while lifting his noodles. I can tell he's trying to be polite to Ai Pond.
I focus on watching as Pete lifts the noodles to his mouth and attempts to slurp them.
I burst out laughing unintentionally. Just picture it—Khun-chai, with his handsome face, trying to slurp noodles but failing, ending up leaning over the bowl as though he's about to bite them. Yet he keeps trying, spurred on by Ai Pond's relentless cheering.
"Slurp, man, slurp harder!"
Double-take.
But just as I am about to laugh, I find myself pausing involuntarily. Ai Pete glances at me, his head bowed over the bowl, steam from the soup wafting into his eyes, making them water slightly. His face flushes red, his orange-tinted lips holding a strand of pale yellow noodles. His eyes seem to plead, help me.
I feel a strange jolt in my chest at that expression.
"Pete, you don't have to do what this bloody fucking cur says. Just stop. How Pete eats is his own business," I say to Khun-chai and then turn to scold Ai Pond in a stern voice, which makes him flash a mischievous look.
"There you go, protecting Ai Pete again!"
"Bloody damn cur!" Sure, I only curse him with one phrase, but for someone like him, that's all that's needed. Who would think there's something going on between me and Ai Pete?
"Pete, you're sweating a lot. You can use my handkerchief," Bow says as she pulls one out of her bag, which I've long suspected to contain a Doraemon door with how it seems to hold everything. She hands it over with a gaze that looks ready to devour him whole. If it were me, I wouldn't dare accept it either.
But honestly, I laugh more at Ai Pete's face, which looks utterly terrified of my friend.
"Uh, no, thank you," he says nervously.
"Do you find me repulsive?" Bow teases him further. Khun-chai quickly shakes his head but hesitates to take the handkerchief, likely fearing that my friend might pounce on him. Then, as if unaware of himself, he turns to meet my eyes again.
It's probably that look—the one that makes me feel compelled to help him, even though I'm laughing at him internally.
"Why use a handkerchief? That's what sleeves are for."
Grab
"Hey! Ae, what are you doing?!"
I might've been feeling a little mischievous toward Khun-chai. I grab his face, turn it toward me, and use the sleeve of my student uniform to wipe his sweaty forehead. Worried it might not be dry enough, I pressed his head against my sleeve and rubbed my forearm back and forth across his forehead. At first, he cries out in protest, but soon he goes quiet, letting his face rest against my arm.
Guess he must be really afraid of Bow.
"Ew, that's filthy!"
"I never said I wasn't filthy," I replied to my friend, pulling my arm away.
I didn't bother looking at Ai Pete's expression afterward because at that moment, Ai Piing, who'd been eating silently, starts laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing. I just get why Ai Pond said you've been taking care of the IC kid."
Pause.
I freeze. Is it because I hadn't thought much of it, or because I hadn't thought about it at all? I see everything I do for Ai Pete as normal—just pity, just affection, just a feeling of needing to protect him. But the more people point it out, the more I start to look back on it.
Am I taking care of him too much? I'm the youngest in my family; I've never gone out of my way to look after anyone. Even my high school friend, Ai'Dīe, who was so naive he needs constant supervision, has plenty of other friends to help him. But with Ai Pete, I felt like he had no one, and it became my job to take care of him... Was it really, though?
Yeah, maybe I am overdoing it.
I glance over at him. He is sitting quietly, head down, eating without a word. For the first time, I wonder—could Pete be annoyed by how much I hover over him?
"Well, it's nothing, really."
"Nothing's going on... but about the new pair of studs you were thinking of buying, did you decide on the model? My brother told me there's a shop that has them cheaper than others. Should I send you the link?" I didn't like the way Ai Piing was looking at me, like he knew something, but he quickly changed the subject, making me forget about the previous topic altogether.
"Sure! Send it over tonight."
Although the topic at the table had shifted, I still reminded myself... I really needed to ask Ai Pete seriously if he was bothered by me.
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
I know I feel this way often. Yeah, right now, I'm embarrassed... really embarrassed. When Ae wipes my forehead with his shirt, I am so embarrassed that I can't look anyone in the eye. I am scared someone will figure it out. I just quietly eat my food, listening to what Ae is saying about wanting new football shoes.
But everything almost slips from my mind once we finish eating and Ae says he is going to walk me to the car.
Piing and Bow aren't staying in the dorms, so they separate from us after the noodle shop. Pond is also sent off by Ae to get his bike from the engineering building before heading home, since he can't ride on the back anyway. Now, it is just him and me walking side by side in the university, with only the lights on either side of the path.
Even though the university looked a bit eerie now, the trees lining the road, rustling gently every time the wind blew, made me feel strangely good. I might have been the type to drag my feet, refusing to get back in the car earlier, but right now, I wish I could walk even slower for another few minutes.
"Ai Pete."
"Yes?"
"I'll ask you straight. Are you annoyed with me?"
Thud
I turn to look at Ae immediately, and I find that he is already staring at me. I admit, I am startled. I wonder if I have shown something wrong that makes him think I am bothered by him. On the contrary, I feel more indebted to him for always staying by my side, even though friends misunderstood us like this.
I'll admit, a part of me is happy that those friends think we are something more, but mostly, I am scared—scared that Ae wouldn't like it and wouldn't want to be near me because they misunderstood that... I am gay.
"Wh-what? No, I'm not... Why do you think that?" Ae stares at me quietly before sighing and walking ahead.
"I just thought... Maybe I've been too involved in your life. You never asked for my help, but I kept getting in your way every time." My heart skips a beat when I realize what he thought. My legs stop walking, and I can only stare at his back—the same back that has helped me so many times before. I want to say...
No, I've never been bothered by you. It's me, Pete, who wants to ask you not to get tired of looking out for me.
"No..." But all I could say was that.
"Hm." Ae turns and looks at me, and I can only nervously flick my tongue.
"I've never felt that way. I'm the one who should be thanking you for helping me. Sometimes, I'm afraid that you... um... you might get annoyed having to take care of this friend of yours." I knew very well that he saw me only as a friend, and that might be the anchor I am desperately holding onto.
As soon as I finish speaking, Ae smiles.
"Phew! I've been worrying since the shop that you might be annoyed with me. Hearing that makes me feel better."
Thud.
He laughs loudly and then steps forward, pulling me into a hug by the neck. I have to lower my head, my body stiff from the heat of his contact. Then he starts walking while still holding onto me and speaking.
"I'm telling you straight up, I'm drawn to you, and I don't trust that you won't hurt yourself if I leave you alone. Hey, walk faster, I want to get back to the dorm and shower. Your mom's probably worried sick by now too."
Ae might feel relieved knowing how I feel, but I'm definitely not comfortable with him hugging my shoulders like this.
I'm not comfortable with the fact that my heart is happy about the closeness we're sharing.
Even when I was close to Phii Trump, I never dared to touch him first, but now, I don't even feel shy about snuggling into Ae's embrace, even if I have to lower my head for him.
The scent of Ae may be full of sweat, like any guy who's been working in the dust all day, but it doesn't stink. In fact, it makes me want to bury myself in the arms of someone who smells so... genuinely masculine.
There's no overwhelming cologne, no sharp perfume scent, no artificial smells that I come into contact with every day. Ae's scent is natural, something I've rarely experienced, and his embrace... it's so warm, I'm scared.
Scared that I might drown in this warmth and never want to pull away.
"Ae, you're getting tired, huh? You've gotta bend down for a shorty like me to hug you." He says it playfully, then releases my neck and steps ahead of me.
When Ae turns back and smiles at me... I feel like my vision is blurry.
Ae's smile is just like the first time he smiled at me.
A smile that makes me, Pitchaya, fall even more for this genuine smile.
What should I do? What should I do with the feelings I have for Ae that grow stronger every day?
"Take care on the way home." He says to me.
By now, I've slipped into the car, and Ae is standing outside waiting. I want to thank him for inviting me to eat, but I don't know what to say that won't make him realize that my feelings for him go beyond friendship.
To the point of letting go.
"Yeah... good night, Ae."
Thud.
But just before I could close the car door, Ae reaches out and grabs the door firmly, leaning down. The darkness of the evening and the light from the parking lot, which didn't quite reach us, left me sitting stiffly, staring at his sharp face, hidden in the shadows, moving closer.
He's so captivating. Too captivating.
Tap.
"I'm a straightforward person, and I know you're a bit too polite, but with me... just tell me straight. If you're annoyed, just say so. And because I'm straightforward, I'll tell you this—if I didn't want to help you, I wouldn't be doing this. The only reason I'm sticking my nose in your business is because I really care."
I sit there frozen, my heart racing so fast I am afraid he might hear it. I felt him messing with my hair roughly before pulling away.
"Also, I like stroking your hair. It's soft... Hey, go on now." Ae says that, then pulls away to close the car door.
My heart has so much I want to say, but right now, I can't get a word out. My mind is blocked, and all I can hear is that he truly cares about helping me. I can only nod before driving away in silence.
I don't even realize how I managed to drive out of the university. I just know that as soon as I turn out, I hit the hazard lights and bury my face in the steering wheel, gripping my left chest tightly.
Can someone really die from loving someone too much? Ae... right now, it feels like I'm really going to die.
At this moment, all I can hear are Ae's words and feel his touch swirling in my head.
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