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Perspective - Khaen (Khaen-ta-lup)
A week has passed since the term started, but I don't dare to show my face to Ai'Tinn because the last time we talked, he accused me of being jealous of him. And no matter how much I don't want to think about this, this damned issue keeps swirling in my head until I have to go find Ai'Pete.
I don't see why I need to talk to Ai'Tinn at all. I can just ask Ai'Pete.
"Pete, so what are you and Ai'Tinn to each other?"
"They're Friends."
I might have asked in a place that wasn't suitable, because instead of friend Khun-chai Pete answering, it's Ai'Ae who answers instead, and his voice is so curt that I have to turn to look. In the end, I burst out laughing. So, Ai'Ae is jealous, huh? Hey, I like it. He looks fierce.
I laugh to myself, but when I turn to meet Ai'Pete's eyes, I try to put on a serious face, unlike him, who looks at me with a smile. I can't help but think that maybe I have rice splattered on my forehead from breakfast this morning, but when I pat around, there's nothing.
Meanwhile, Ai'Pete tells me, "So why do you want to know, Khaen?"
Do I feel like Ai'Pete is looking at me strangely? Well, I have told him about how his friend is pursuing me, so it's not strange if he knows more than Ai'Ae. I can only sigh deeply and start rambling about how my sister is shipping Ai'Tinn and me so hard that it's breaking the internet until he laughs.
"Does Nong Le think that Tinn and I are dating?"
"Are you or aren't you?!"
I ask him curiously. This question has been bothering me to the point that I can't enjoy my meals or sleep well, and I feel a strange fluttering sensation. Yet, how can he look at me with that smile, still refusing to answer until I start to feel annoyed?
"No, we're just friends. That day, I was just teasing Tinn about scoring points with Khaen's family."
"Oh, wow! I've been thinking about this for so long. I thought he was still bothering you. I can't help but think that Tinn is playing both sides, getting involved with one person and then flirting with another. Just thinking about it makes me annoyed. I'm glad I asked you first; that's a relief!"
I ramble on, sighing so he can see it, and smile in relief. But...
Ae says, "You're jealous of Tinn."
"Huh?!"
I'm wide-eyed, no need for surgery at all, turning to look at Ai'Ae, who is gaping, narrowing his eyes at me as if he can't believe what he's saying. But he insists, "You're jealous of him... Didn't you say you hated him?"
What am I supposed to do? It's exactly what I'm thinking. This question is digging deeper into my mind. Am I really jealous of Tinn? Even Ai'Ae, who is just listening casually, can tell I'm jealous of him. So what does jealousy even feel like? Why do I instantly understand when I see Ai'Ae getting jealous of Pete, but I can't figure out why I'm jealous of Tinn?
This irritable, restless feeling really means I'm jealous, right? Damn it, I'm thinking too much about this!
"This term is the real deal, everyone. This week we have a competition, so don't forget. Also, the results of the university sports lottery have been announced!"
I'm sitting quietly, lost in thought when my captain comes over to announce something important that gets everyone excited to check it out. Usually, I would be the first to run up to P'No, eagerly snatching the lottery results to look at them with excitement. Right now, I'm just sitting here without the energy to do much of anything.
"Hey, Khaen, are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine, P'Type. I just don't understand myself very well these days," I say directly to my senior as he hands me the competition schedule.
The first match looks promising.
I think to myself while looking at the first opponent, starting to smile. I feel a bit more excited, reminding myself that this Khaen needs to be alert, to be enthusiastic, and to get the older guys to cheer me on. I can't just sit here sulking like a dead cat or dog.
Before I can get up and shout excitedly about everything though, my brother, P'Type, asks, "So you're in the throes of love, huh?"
"Whoa, no way!!!" I exclaim, shaking my head vigorously to deny it.
Even though Tinn is courting me and I don't mind him, I don't like him that way. I really don't understand what liking someone feels like. However, if it means being annoyed and feeling all weird when I get jealous... I'd rather not like him at all.
No way, this Khaen isn't ready for anyone... I can say that honestly.
"I don't want any love stuff. It's just a noose around my neck. Look at all the couples out there—they can't go anywhere! No thanks, P'Type. I'm still happy just taking things day by day. Who would even like me? Nah, it's not happening. Or are you going to push me to get a partner? You don't love your little brother anymore...?"
"Don't make that cute-pouty face at me. Have I ever said I love you?"
"P'Type, seriously!" I say in annoyance.
"Say what?" Type replies with equal annoyance.
"Damn... Just say it straight out, can't you tell me you love me?" I say while flashing a cheeky grin, which prompts P'Type to snatch the paper from my hand and toss it over his shoulder.
"If you want someone to say 'I love you,' there he is—your person."
I turn sharply.
"Hey, he's not my person, P'Type!!!"
"I'm just teasing. Why are you getting so worked up? I remember that you used to punch him, that you said you hated him, that you never wanted to see his face again, and you insulted him in every way possible. Lately though, I keep seeing you with the person you supposedly hate so often. Anyway, it's not my business. Just don't end up fighting on the football field; I don't want to break it up..." I start running out as soon as P'Type begins mentioning how I hate Tinn.
I mean, these days I'm kind of swallowing my own words, so I don't want to hear anything that'll hurt my feelings. Plus, the guy I 'used to' hate is standing right in front of the field, so I have to run over to him.
At this point, even Ai'Ae is saying I'm jealous, and P'Type seems to know something, so it's probably best to get him out of the way.
"What do you want?" I ask.
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not avoiding you! A guy like me doesn't avoid anyone! I'm not a coward!" I immediately tilt my head.
Why is he accusing me of avoiding him? Now he's smiling widely, clearly pleased to debate this with me.
"What are you smiling about?"
"I'm just happy that you're starting to think."
"What are you talking about?" I'm genuinely confused.
I'm cursing him out, and he's smiling back at me, saying that I'm thinking. What am I supposed to be thinking about? He then cheekily replies...
"Thinking about me, of course."
If it were a normal time, I'd probably make a face like, "How dare you think that?" But what I do now is fall silent immediately, avoiding his gaze. I feel like his words cut straight through to my heart.
"Why should I think about you?" I ask him flatly, switching to a serious mode because I feel like I'm not playing it cool. When I get serious, he looks around, and then he...
Grabs.
Slap!
"Why are you grabbing me?" Usually, I'm fine when he grabs me. I mean, he's kissed me before. Yet I push his hand away, feeling like I don't want him touching me any more than this. Tinn turns back to look at me with a calm gaze, but deep down, I think he looks disappointed.
"I'm... I'm drenched in sweat. If you grab me, you're just going to get dirty. Where are we going? Lead the way," I quickly justify, and he doesn't say anything, only turns around and walks ahead for me to follow.
Today, Tinn seems... oddly serious.
I follow him obediently and see his beloved car parked beside the field.
"Get in."
"Where are you taking me? I can't go! I need to tell the seniors first."
"No, I just want to find a quiet place to talk." Once Tinn says this, I hesitate for the first time about getting into his car.
Earlier, I'd practically want to scrub the seat down because he once said it smelled like a poor person. Now, I feel like if I get in, I'll have even more to think about.
"Didn't you say you weren't scared of anything?"
I know he's teasing, but I still decide to sit in the passenger seat while Tinn starts the car and turns on the air conditioning, letting the cool breeze hit my face.
Why are you so quiet? If you want to scold me for not replying to your messages, just go ahead. Sitting there silently like this isn't doing it for me.
I can only think this because someone as talkative as I am can't find the words to say anything.
"Will you be my romantic partner, Khaen?"
Why does Tinn have to ask me a question like that when he finally speaks up?
Perspective - Tinn Metthanun
Khaen seems confused. If I'm going to seize the opportunity. I need to take advantage of this moment.
I don't like it when I reach out to someone, and they don't respond. For Khaen though... The guy who usually replies quickly has ignored my messages all week, telling me he's avoiding me, which can mean two things. If he hasn't suddenly remembered that he hates me, then he must be starting to feel something for me.
The fact that he got jealous about what happened before tells me... it's probably the latter.
"Why are you making that face?" As soon as I say that, he turns to look at me, his eyes nearly bulging.
"W-What the hell are you talking about?!"
"Why? You know I like you. Sooner or later, I have to ask this question." I say it like anyone should be able to guess something like this, but for Khaen, he reacts in a way that's more interesting than anyone else.
Thump, thump, thump…
Khaen raises both hands to rub his head, not gently, but in a way that I feel like we're going in different directions. I can even hear the loud scratching sounds and see the dandruff scattered in the car. If it were someone else, I would have kicked them out, but with him, I just sit there, arms crossed, waiting quietly.
Thud.
"Ai'Tinn!!!" Then suddenly, he looks up with his hair all messy like a bird's nest, causing me to raise one eyebrow in response.
"Can you change the question?"
"Sigh." I let out a breath, knowing he isn't joking, but he still chooses to respond this way instead of with a simple yes or no. In fact, I should know by now that there's no way I'd get a straightforward answer.
"Then... will you date me, Khaen?"
"Hey, I let you change the question, not the terms. 'Partner' and 'dating' mean the same thing."
"So, are you going to drag this out for much longer?" I look at him steadily, until Khaen-ta-lup, who has been throwing a fit, goes back to sitting quietly in the car seat.
Then he starts to speak.
"Ai'Ae said I'm jealous of you." I listen attentively, acknowledging that I dislike Khaen mentioning other people, but at least this is a step in the right direction.
"Ai'Pete said I'm interested in you... and P'Type, my senior, said I'm falling in love."
"And...?" I ask calmly, noticing that he looks at me with confusion in his eyes.
"I... I don't understand what everyone is saying."
"What do you mean?"
I might be thinking too positively, but I believe he must have some feelings for me, especially since he allows me to do what I've been doing. However, Khaen just shakes his head.
"I don't understand means I don't understand. I don't know if I'm really jealous of you. I don't know if I'm interested in you more than anyone else. And most importantly, I don't know if I really love you... What is love, Ai'Tinn? Just going out, eating together, and watching movies when we have free time—isn't that enough?"
If he had smiled widely and rambled on, I would have been annoyed at how he kept teasing me. But since he's looking at me seriously and keeps asking,
"Then why do you think you like me?"
"I feel at ease when I'm with you," I answer with what I think is the simplest explanation.
"I feel at ease with Ai'Ae, Ai'Pete, Ai'Pond, or my friends in the faculty," he counters seriously, forcing me to think of a better response.
My feelings are quite difficult to explain because they might not match the way the world perceives love.
It's not just happiness. When I'm with Khaen, I don't just feel happy.
"You make me feel like I can breathe."
"Huh?!" It's no surprise that Khaen looks confused.
For me, this feeling doesn't come from just picking someone off the street. I don't like him for his appearance. I don't just enjoy talking to him. It's not about wanting to have sex with him. Nor do I think he's cute.
To me, Khaen is like... air.
For someone like me, who has been hurt by family to the point of feeling like I'm being pushed underwater constantly, Khaen is what keeps me afloat. I can't articulate my preference for him in pretty words of like or love as most people do. I have just felt that since the moment I received the apology note from him... I might not be able to live without Khaen anymore.
"I'm not oxygen, you know. I breathe out carbon dioxide. If you inhale my air, you'll die."
If I had a choice, I wouldn't want my air to come from someone as slow-witted as Khaen.
"I just know that I like you." I sigh.
"I still don't understand," Khaen still insists, and then he bows his head down to the air vent.
"I really don't like it, Ai'Tinn."
"Don't like what?"
"I don't like the feeling when Ai'Le tells me that you and Ai'Pete are dating. If I agree to date you, I have to feel like this every time you are with someone else. Then I won't enjoy my meals, won't be able to sleep, and will have to keep thinking about who you are with and where you are going all the time... I really don't like this feeling at all."
If he feels that much, doesn't it mean he likes me?
I quietly sigh, not wanting to use someone else's definition to define Khaen.
Because now he lifts his head to look at me again, and then he says… "Can't we just be friends? It's like this, whenever you are free, you come find me. Whenever I am free, I go find you. On days when we feel like it, we go eat together. On days when your house is free, you invite me to watch a movie... Can't it be like this, Ai'Tinn?"
I really don't like his gaze like this, a gaze that says he has decided not to go any further, while also pleading with me. So I let out a long sigh.
"What I want from you is not just friendship." I say calmly, and that makes him look disappointed.
He falls silent as he picks up his wallet.
"I'm sorry for not understanding things like everyone else... Here's the money for this month. If you don't want to see my face, just send me your bank account number via LINE, and I will transfer it to your account every month."
I feel that he looks at my face, but right now I don't want to look at him, so I lean my arms on the window and look outside.
"Stay here, I'll leave it here." He places the thousand-baht bill on the center console of the car.
"Then I'm leaving," he says, his voice brave yet fearful. Too soon I hear the sound of the door opening.
Before he closes it, he leans down to tell me… "I want to be your friend, Ai'Tinn."
I close my eyes, clenching my fists tightly, and...
Bang!... I slam my fist down on the steering wheel.
I realize that I am too impatient. I should have waited longer, but should I really answer that I want to be just friends? Hah! I don't want friendship from him. What I want from him is much more than that. I want him to see me as someone special compared to others.
Then I lean my head back against the car seat, feeling drained. Just hearing him say that he seems unwilling to meet me makes me feel suffocated and almost unable to breathe.
Why... when my heart truly desires something, I never manage to grasp it even once?
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
"Hi, Pond. And where's Em?"
"Oh, Ai'Pete. Sit down. My partner just went home."
I go to the football field like I do every evening when Ae has practice, but since I see that he is still in the middle of the field, I walk over to Pond, who is sitting there looking serious with his phone.
"Then, what are you doing, Pond?"
"I do not intend to meddle in Pond's business, but because I catch sight of a website about flowers on his screen, I get curious. That makes him look up at me, as if he just remembered something.
"Hey, hey, hey, I forgot, in case you're interested."
"Interested... interested in what?" I ask, confused, as I sit down next to him. He reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper to hand to me.
"It's a bit wrinkled. I just stole it from the board in the hallway a moment ago."
"Hmm, you really stole it?" I laugh softly as I unfold the paper to look at it.
"PY Pro – Because the university is vast, the person next to you becomes meaningful."
"What is this?"
"Haha, it's a love-spreading promotion, one of our university's regular activities. You should know." I glance back to read the paper again as Pond pulls up Facebook and sends me a page link... with the same name as on the paper.
'This is a promotion run by the pharmacy students starting this second term... You can surprise the person you like without the effort of doing it yourself.'
'What?' I turn to look at him, wide-eyed, and Pond snaps his fingers immediately.
"Yeah, you just need to know their name, faculty, year, phone number—get their class schedule while you're at it. Then, you can send them anything you want, and the pharmacy students will take care of it."
"Is this for real?" I ask, shocked. I study here, but I've never heard of this.
"Hah, this is big news among the Thai program students, you know. IC students not knowing isn't surprising... So, what do you think? Interested?" Pond nudges my shoulder with his, winks dramatically, and nods toward the football field.
"Because the university is vast, the person next to you becomes meaningful... Want to create some meaning with someone?" I'm starting to feel my face heat up a little. If you ask my heart, of course, I'm interested. Just hearing it makes me feel both shy and excited, but I ask Pond first.
"Then, have you ever done it, Pond?"
"How could I have? I'm only in my first year. This will be my first time too. But don't worry, I'm definitely doing it this year. I'm just checking out how much the local flower shops charge for arrangements. You can order from the PY students, but it's more expensive than outside. So, what do you think of this pair of teddy bears?" Pond shows me a picture of a couple's teddy bears, and I can't help but smile widely and nod enthusiastically.
"Perfect. I bet Em would love it."
"How do you know I'm sending it to Em?"
"Huh?" I freeze, turning to look at Pond, but he just laughs at me.
"I'm kidding. Just buying stuff for Em is already making me broke. What should I have written with it... 'You know you're beautiful, so stop spreading your charm. Us handsome guys are tired of being jealous.' No, no, that's not it. How about this: 'A handsome guy says, tone down the beauty a bit. My heart is already working overtime.' And I'll make sure they cheer and whistle too... But where should I do the surprise? In the faculty building or the common lecture hall? I think the common hall would be better. My partner would get so embarrassed she'd curl up like a millipede!" Pond shares his plan with me, and I feel just as excited, especially when I see that Ae is waving me over and signaling that I've got ten more minutes.
Right now, the friendly football match at the university in Bang Na has passed, and the football team made it to the final four. Though it's a shame they didn't go further, the team seems more energized than ever, eager to tackle the upcoming university sports event.
I'm starting to get excited too.
I think about how I'm going to cheer for him since I couldn't make it the previous times. Seeing Ae so dedicated to this makes me want to support him even more.
"What's with that? You see his face, and you smile like a prince, Ai'Pete." I laugh at the teasing comment that floats over, then turn back to Pond.
"Pond, if I want to send something as a surprise, how do I do it?"
"Here we go, here we go! You're really going for it, aren't you!" He asks me excitedly, and I nod. Don't think I'm too cheesy, but I mean it.
It's not just the university that's vast…
Because this world is vast, the person beside you becomes even more meaningful.
Ae, will you like the gift I'm going to give you? I'm starting to feel excited now.
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