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Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
Ae has been on break for several days now, and it’s made me realize one thing... loneliness.
"Sigh..." I exhale softly as the professor’s voice drifts through my left ear and straight out the right. Not a word sticks. I find myself wondering if I should just go back home tonight. Staying at the dorm feels pointless—no one to have dinner with, no friends to hang out with, no one to sit and watch late-night football with.
Since when did I become this lonely?
I ask myself this question. Back then, when I was on break and away from Ae for weeks, it didn’t feel like this. Maybe it was because I knew that once I came back to the university, I’d see him again. Back then, I was still excited about moving into the dorms, so I barely noticed. No, that’s not it. Back then, just catching a glimpse of Ae’s face was enough to make me happy. But now that we’re a couple, now that we’ve made love... being apart for days on end feels inexplicably lonely.
And now, Ae’s off traveling with his friends. He’s probably not thinking about me at all.
"Sigh..."
As soon as the class ends, I slump forward, resting my head on the desk. A female friend at the next table turns to ask, her voice full of concern.
“Pete, are you okay? Are you feeling sick?”
I glance sideways at her and shake my head lazily, my hair swaying slightly against the desk.
“No, I’m fine.”
“Then, is something on your mind? I kept hearing you sigh throughout the class,” she presses, her worry evident.
I shake my head again, my cheek still resting against the cool surface of the desk.
"No, it really is nothing," I say with a smile as my friend reaches out a hand toward me.
"But Pete, you look pale. Do you have a fever or something...?"
"How annoying!" Tinn's voice cuts across the room.
Thud!
I see that my friend is about to reach out to check my temperature, and I almost pull my head away. However, the sound of Tinn's articulated annoyance from the other side makes both my first friend and I pause.
"I already told you that I'm fine. It's just that I bought that yogurt in the morning and now it is spoiled. Don't you realize how annoying that is?" I appease her.
I say to him, "Um, Tinn."
"Pete, it's me... I'm leaving first, okay?" Before I can turn to Tinn though, the female classmate who was checking on me quickly speaks up and hurries away with a large group of female friends.
I catch a faint sound saying… "That damn man! Who does he think he is? He thinks I'm annoying!"
A second voice replies "Yeah, I heard. He looks good, but his personality is really terrible."
After the group of friends leaves, I turn to look at Tinn who was staring down at his phone, seemingly indifferent to the chatter. I have to raise my voice to speak.
"Tinn, you, shouldn't say things like that. Soon, there will be more damaging rumors, even though you, Tinn, are not the kind of person they claim."
"And how am I as a person?" Tinn turns to ask me, which makes me pause for a moment before I finally speak up.
"I don't really know what you are like deep inside. I just know that I like the Tinn who asked for Khaen's number, and if you are really as people say, then why would Khaen agree to meet with you, Tinn?" I smile at him, not mentioning what Khaen has previously let slip. Even though in my heart, I can already guess that these two friends are more than just friends, or at the very least, Tinn looks at Khaen as more than a friend.
Finally, Tinn puts his phone away in his pocket and lets out a sigh.
You're too nice. It's obvious from the start why that girl sits so close to you.
"But I'm not giving anyone false hope. Besides, you should already know that I'm not interested in girls, Tinn." I say this directly because, at this point, he knows almost everything. Instead of saying something to irritate me, he asks with a surprisingly pleasant tone.
"During this break, we probably won't see each other?"
"Yes, if Tinn means Khaen too, then we won't see each other." I can't help but tease him with a smile, feeling a bit better as I step out of the room, interpreting who Tinn means by 'not seeing' each other.
"Will he come to the university during this break?" Tinn still acts as if he is asking about Ae, even though he should know that I mean Khaen. I pretend not to know and continue answering the question. Of course, I am talking about Khaen, not Ae.
I continue, "I heard there's football practice, but not in the first two weeks. Most people are probably traveling. Oh, I saw Khaen mention on LINE that he changed his number. Did you know, Tinn?"
I'm surprised when I hear Tinn laugh. Sure enough, when I turn to look, he's really laughing, like he doesn't even realize it slips out.
"Tinn, you've changed lately, haven't you?"
"How?" He drops his smile.
"Well... Tinn, you seem more approachable than before. Uh, you don't have to respond, but I guess it's because of Khaen."
My friend pauses for a moment, giving me a steady look, as if deciding whether to speak or not. That's already different from the past when he would have said I was just rambling, missing the point. Then, he steps ahead to board the shuttle bus to the parking lot.
I think I won't get a response, until he says...
"You're not wrong to think that."
That alone makes me smile wide, thinking to myself that I'll have to tell Ae about this—if not for my LINE notification popping up, making me look down at it first.
"...I've arrived at Pran and am about to play football at the beach..."
"Tell him you're with me." As I tell Ae that classes are over, the voice of the person next to me rises, causing me to glance away before shaking my head.
"Tinn, surely you are not trying to upset Ae? I just want to remind you that Khaen and Ae are close..." I rebuke my friend.
I wonder if it's just my imagination, but he looks even more irritated, turning his face away as the school tram rolls into the parking lot. I might just be feeling this way, but I think I've seen that expression somewhere before.
"Are they really close?"
I feel even more familiar with this expression on his face.
"Who?" I ask, leading with the name.
"Khaen... with him." I don't know why, but Tinn still refuses to address Ae properly, his voice even more intense.
However, I respond. "Yeah, Khaen says that Ae helped him when they first started school together at the beginning of the semester. They got closer since they're both on the same football team."
"Heh," is all he says as I watch Tinn walk toward his Porsche. I keep asking myself where I've seen that expression before.
"Is something wrong, Tinn?" I ask, still watching him closely.
"No, I'm fine. I'll be going now," he says curtly as he slides into the car.
However, I stand still, lost in thought, until my phone rings, and that's when I figure it out.
"Yes, Ae."
"You're done with class, right? Are you staying at home or the dorm tonight?"
"Home. It's not that late yet. I think I'll head back and sleep at home instead."
"Sure, going home is better. Let me know when you get there."
Even though I can't see his face, his voice tells me he's worried. I agree, but before hanging up, not wanting to bother him while he's playing football with his friends, I end up speaking out anyway.
"Ae... I was with Tinn earlier," I say.
The silence in his voice indicates that Ae is not pleased, before his tone becomes more intense.
"Why are you with him? Did he do something to you? Don't hang out with him, Ai'Pete!"
Ae's replies with an annoyed tone. Instead of feeling hurt, I find myself smiling wider.
"Not at all. We separated already. I'm about to head home."
"That's good. Just go home. Don't stop by to see him. Are you in the car yet? Are you still at the college...?"
Ae continues to ask me several questions. I think I understand Tinn's irritated expression when he mentions how close Khaen and Ae are. It reminds me of how Ae looks when I talk about Tinn. Actually, these two contrasting guys might have more in common than I expected. They both seem jealous, that's for sure.
Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
"Come on, Ai'Pond, give me an update. I want to know about Ai'Ae. He already has a partner after just a short time of not seeing each other."
Today marks the first day of the trip to Pranburi. Ai'Mai, my high school buddy, organized everything, setting up a drinking circle behind the house facing the sea. I wouldn't mind him doing that if he didn't always look for topics to gossip about while drinking. For them, nothing is more entertaining than gossiping about their friends.
Damn it, but this time, it's about me.
"I know everything, from what's outside the classroom to what's on the bed. Abdul Pond knows it all, as if he's wearing an invisible cloak and walking around," he boasts.
Thump!
I kick the back of his chair while sitting on my rattan chair in front of the house, causing Ai'Pond to nearly tumble forward. He still doesn't give up; he sees the crowd and moves to sit next to Ai'Sun, turning to make a face that looks like he's about to pop his eyeballs out.
"Hey, hey, hey! Ai'Ae is blushing! He doesn't want to tell his friends. You're so stingy!"
"I want to know too. Based on my speculation, I think Ai'Ae wouldn't have a partner throughout his university years. I thought he might get one only after he stopped being obsessed with football. But this… it's beyond all expectations," Ai'Diao adds, making me want to curse at him, even though I somewhat agree.
I have never been interested in anyone. I have never pursued anyone and thought it wasn't necessary. Life is just fine with a round ball. However, I have changed my mind because of Ai'Pete.
"Right? This is something I need to update. Friends should know about it everywhere. Come on, Ai'Ae, let me tell them. Otherwise, they'll find out that you graduated from high school and don't have any friends!" Ai'Pond's reasoning is terrible in my opinion because even if I were still in high school, I wouldn't need to share this with them.
"What are you guys talking about?" On top of that, sitting in this circle are Ai'Mai, Ai'Pond, and Ai'Diao. Now, Ai'Dīe and his half-foreign friends have joined, making me frown sharply.
"About Ai'Pete, of course!"
"Oh, this is something I want to know too! Hey, hey, Ai'Mai, you've never seen Pete, right? He looks super handsome! When he walks by, you'd think he's a celebrity. Ai'Sun, you have a picture of Pete, right? You took it together." When I say this, I turn to Ai'Sun, suddenly recalling that he once took a picture with Pete, almost asking to borrow his phone.
Of course, I would delete it. I had no right back then; Now though I do.
"Wow, you really are a goldfish, Ai'Dīe. Have you forgotten that because of that damned picture, I had problems with P'Riu? And then my romantic partner had to see it, too. If I don't delete it, I'd be a bloody idiot. You should learn to be smart about the things that matter," Ai'Dīe complains loudly after being scolded. However, I don't care as long as the picture of Ai'Pete is gone from Ai'Sun's device.
"Always calling me stupid. If you're so brave, try insulting your partner instead."
Sometimes, I feel sorry for Ai'Dīe. Although I don't study as well as he does, my instincts are way better. He keeps opening the door for them, and soon enough, the smart mouths will take advantage.
"I don't want to rub it in, Ai'Dīe," I say. Before I can finish, they're already at it.
Ai'Mai starts first. Sometimes, we wonder why we always gang up on Ai'Dīe when we tease him. Ai'Diao continues after him.
"But you've been stupid since the first question."
"How am I stupid?" Ai'Dīe never learns. He knows he's going to get teased but still plays along with them. Ai'Sun contributes by raising an eyebrow and looking suggestively, stirring trouble in a way that's hard to describe.
"You're stupid for thinking anyone would insult their own partner as being stupid if they don't want to break up. Come on, we're not P'Porch, who will love a silly kid like you forever." See? In the end, it always circles back to Ai'Dīe. I quietly sip my drink, knowing that as long as they don't turn their attention to me, I've learned that keeping quiet is better for me than shouting out and becoming a target of their teasing.
"But I think Ai'Ae's situation is more interesting."
"Bloody hell, it happened." I mutter softly, and all eyes turn to me in unison, along with their grinning faces.
"Don't get involved in my business!" I retort immediately. However, the more I resist, the more it's like pouring gasoline on a fire.
"Why wouldn't your business be interesting? I want to know what kind of partner someone as short as you can get. Wow, plus he's a guy! I want to know just how sure you are about that," I know Ai'Mai can be a smart mouth, but when it comes to his wit, he's a perfect victim.
I can't help but smirk and calmly reply, "My romantic partner is ten times more handsome than you."
"Guk"
Everyone falls silent. They probably do not expect me to praise Ai'Pete. Before long, it is Ai'Pond, as usual, who breaks the silence with a cheer.
"Whoa, guys, I don't want to brag, but I have heard Ai'Ae go on about his romantic partner countless times. You see him quiet like this? Wow, when he says anything, his partner's face turns bright red..."
"Do you want to change your roommate for next term?" Before he can go on, I interrupt him, which causes Ai'Pond to wipe away a mock tear.
"Exactly, I'm not your Prince Pete. If you ditch me to live with your partner, don't come crying to me!"
"Poor Ai'Pond! As soon as Ai'Ae gets a partner, he ditches his friends. What a jerk!" Ai'Sun adds to the mockery by pulling Pond's head onto his shoulder. Ai'Diao offers him a tablecloth as if it were a handkerchief, and they all look at me with serious faces.
"I had no idea you were this kind of person."
"You bloody fucking curs!" I can't help but curse out loud.
At that, they burst into laughter, making me want to kick them all in unison. Just then, my phone chimes...
...What's Ae up to...
In a flash, I turn back to the drinking circle and find them all craning their necks like giraffes. I have to get up and casually say, "I'm going to take a phone call first."
"Hey, who are you talking to?"
When they ask, I glare back and reply, "Whoever I'm talking to is none of your business. Don't you guys know anything?"
There it is, the pain in my heart makes me want to let it all out. Ai'Kwan writhes on the floor, "Ouch, Ai'Sun, my heart hurts. I think I'm going to have a heart attack!" Ai'Mai is just a jerk, complaining about a heartache while selecting to join in on the fun.
Come on.
"Ai'Mai is a real character! Today, when we stopped at the gas station, I don't know what he said to Ai'Dīe's partner, but he ended up saying, 'Buy anything you want; I'll pay for it.' He ended up paying for an extra case of beer, but the most ridiculous thing was Ai'Diao. You've met him before, right? The tall guy with glasses. He bought facial foam, cologne, a razor, and the thing Ai'Dīe freaked out about: sanitary pads!"
"The group bought sanitary pads?!"
"Yeah, I couldn't believe it either! He said that in his family, they have a motto: 'If you get something for free, it should be useful,' so he decided to take the sanitary pads to give to his mom…"
"Ha ha ha! That sounds so fun! I can't believe Diao is like that. Ugh, ha ha ha!" Before I can finish my story, Ai'Pete bursts into laughter, making me smile too, and I suddenly want to see his face.
Honestly, I don't like talking on the phone. Once the business is done, I prefer to hang up. I used to think it was ridiculous that my friends could chat with their partners for hours. I'd never do that. However, once I got into a relationship with Pete, long phone conversations aren't as bad as I thought.
I'm not even sure what we talk about until my friends start shouting, asking where I've gone to drown in the sea. So I tell Pete, "I'll hang up for now."
"Okay. Goodnight, Ae. And… um…" Pete hesitates, and I wait for him to finish. When he finally says it with that shy tone I know well—he has a particular way of acting when he's embarrassed. "I miss you, okay?"
As soon as he says that, he hangs up without waiting for my response, leaving me smiling widely at the phone that just disconnected. I say to it, "I miss you too, Pete."
This is my first time being in a relationship with Pete, so it's also my first experience feeling this way about someone... I kind of want to go back to Bangkok now.
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
"Should I call him or wait for Ae to call me?"
Right now, I lie face down, staring at the phone resting silently next to my pillow. I hesitate, wondering if I should call my partner, who is in Prachuap Khiri Khan. Tonight is their last night of vacation, so they might be having too much fun for me to interrupt.
"Or has he fallen asleep?" I mutter softly, checking the time.
It's already eleven o'clock, and still no sign of him since this afternoon. Because I interrupted him with a call earlier, I don't want to call again. I don't want his friends to think I'm clingy.
Ugh, I feel so lonely… And during summer, I have to visit my dad. Am I going to die from loneliness? I ask myself.
In the end, I bury my face in the pillow, mumbling to myself and letting out a long sigh. I just want to hear Ae's voice so badly. Just think about it—every summer break, I have to visit my dad in Germany. This time, it's going to be even lonelier.
I really don't want to go.
I think gloomily. I always say I don't want to go because I don't want to leave my mom alone. Dad already has a new family over there, and I have a younger brother who is ten years younger than me. Although I'm not angry with my stepmother for taking away my dad's love, I never want to stay there long.
But then, my phone rings, making me jump up. I quickly grab it and, upon seeing who's calling... I forget all my worries.
"Hello, Ae."
"Are you asleep?"
"Not yet. I'm not sleepy at all. I'm just waiting for you… uh… waiting for you to call." I almost fall silent, but then I think, Why shouldn't I be brave enough to tell him that I miss him?
My words make Ae quiet for a moment, prompting me to call out to him.
"Ae, can you hear me?"
\I can hear you, and because I can hear you... you're making me unable to stand it."*
I immediately furrow my brows, not understanding if I've said something wrong. But before I can ask, he continues with a tone that sounds like he's enduring something.
"Right now, the moans are filling my ears."
"Sorry?" I respond, my voice startled.
What kind of moans? Where is Ae? Is he with someone else?
I think negatively. I don't even need to look in the mirror to know I look pale, while he continues in a weary tone.
"Ai'Dīe and his partner have gone into a room… and Ai'Dīe doesn't seem to realize the walls are thin. The moans are ringing in my ears, but of course, P'Porch is singing for him, making it so touching. It's strange. It's not this intense."
"Sigh."
"Why are you sighing?"
"It is nothing!" Once I know the reason, I feel relieved. I even wonder how I could dare to think about what they might be doing and tell him about it.
So, I start to smile while he speaks in a fierce tone. "You don't think I'm doing anything with anyone, do you?"
"Not at all… not a bit." Of course, how could I dare to admit that?
Meanwhile, Ae sighs too, and with that tone, I can tell he's probably rubbing his head in frustration. "What am I supposed to do with anyone? I miss you so much. Just now, Ai'Pond even teased me, saying that listening to the moans next door made him think of his partner. And yeah, I miss you, but it's probably better that you didn't come with me."
How could that be? I feel a little hurt, but just a little, since Ae continues in a serious tone.
"I probably can't help but hug you too... but I don't want anyone to hear your voice."
I go silent, feeling a bit warm when I realize he wants to embrace me. However, while my body feels hot, my face starts to burn even more when Ae continues.
"Your voice is so much prettier than Ai'Dīe's. I love it when you call my name while being held by you."
"Wh-where is a guy's pretty voice?"
"Your voice is pleasant for me, that's for sure."
That's why I say that when Ae says something, he never thinks about how the listener feels and how embarrassed it can be. Next time we're intimate, I'll definitely feel embarrassed every time I let out a sound. Who would know that Ae wants to hear my voice?
"Uh... so what song did Dīe's partner sing?" I quickly change the topic, and he willingly follows along.
"I don't know. He sang an English version. I've only heard the Thai version, and it's an old song, so I can't remember the name. But it made Ai'Dīe so moved that he cried... It just so happened that Ai'Mai brought some drinks, and Ai'Shin, Dīe's friend, played the guitar, so it went on for a while. Ai'Pond was also sitting there, making a list of songs."
Shifting away from the original topic makes me feel a little less shy, and suddenly I become curious.
"Did you sing along?"
"You know I can't sing. Sometimes I don't even know what the name of the song is when I listen to it." Even though I know that, he still says it with a teasing tone.
"Can you sing a song for me?"
"I already told you I can't sing."
When he says that, I decide not to push any further, unless it's because...
(Yeah, but I think there's one song that if I were to sing for you, I could probably sing this one.)
"What song is it?" Of course, I feel excited, especially since he said that if he had to choose a song for me, it would be this one. But when I ask, Ae suddenly goes quiet for a long time.
"Ae?"
"I don't remember all the lyrics... but I think let's not, okay? Your phone speaker might break otherwise." Suddenly, he says this, but my curiosity builds up so much that I accidentally whine to him again.
"Please, Ae. I want to hear it. Can you sing it for me? Please."
"I... sigh, fine, fine... Listen carefully now, okay? I'll only sing it once…"
"Okay, okay!" I'm practically holding my breath, eager to listen to Ae's voice. However, the sound that comes through is the crashing waves against the shore, indicating that he's probably outside the cottage. Then, suddenly, the silence transforms into this sound.
"It must be love—"
I widen my eyes when the deep voice starts singing. My heart pounds violently, feeling like it might burst out of my chest. My breath stutters for a moment while Ae sings to me.
"....that changes the word "life" into something meaningful. It must be love that makes waiting so easy…"
Ae isn't a great singer; he doesn't hit the right notes. Yet my heart is about to leap out of my chest because I never expected him to sing this song for me... It must be love.
"Stop it already... I think I'll go out of tune."
But then, he suddenly says that, unaware that I am on the verge of tears.
Ae has never told me he loves me—not even once. Now though, he's expressing his love for me through this song, isn't he? Whether he realizes it or not, he's telling me that I am his love, right?
So I tell him in a brief voice.
"Ae... I love you."
He falls silent for a moment before replying in a softer voice.
"I know, Pete, because I feel the same way."
See? Ae doesn't say the word "love," but that's enough for me to hear this. After chatting a bit longer, he hangs up, leaving me holding the phone tightly. Although I cry, I smile through my tears. As for why I'm crying...
It must be love that changes the word "life" into something meaningful.
I look down at the phone immediately when this song plays. It's not Ae's voice but the ringtone I specifically set for him since I bought a new phone after P'Trump took my old one.
I sat for a long time thinking about which sound I should use for him. I finally settled on this song because I realized back then that Ae... is my love.
"Yes, Ae." I answer the call, and then I hear words that make me smile even wider.
"I forgot to tell you... I miss you."
He hangs up again, but I still hold the phone tightly and whisper softly to send my message to the last caller.
"Ae, do you know? You are my love."
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