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Perspective - Tinn Metthanun
Lately, I feel exhausted by many things, despite the fact that my life has barely changed. I wake up, shower, go to class, and rarely socialize with anyone. I only participate in activities that I foresee as useful in the future. I go to the gym, then sit down and analyze old documents from the company my father allows me to see. However... I'm still too young to have a voice on any matter.
It's just the same old things that shouldn't make me tired, yet I am... every time I think of the furious look from the person I called idiotic.
It isn't my body or mind that's exhausted. It's probably my heart that feels the most worn out.
Even though I said I'd rather be the object of pitying contempt than compassion that requires vulnerability, whenever my mind is idle, I often wonder... If that day I hadn't said I tricked him, how would Khaen have reacted to me? Would things have changed?
"You're thinking about something pointless," I mutter to myself, as I head toward the dining room, expecting no one to be at the table. However...
"Dad, Uncle Tinn is awake!" I immediately look up at my only nephew and then see the person I hate sitting there, eating breakfast. I am quite surprised that he stayed over at this house.
…
"Mom wanted Nong Phu to stay over," my brother, Tul, says curtly, without waiting for me to ask.
"I didn't ask."
"Well, you looked like you didn't want to share a table with me." My half-brother fakes familiarity between us.
I stay silent, not wanting to engage with him any further, knowing well that speaking more will only harm me. How many times have I made myself the bad guy? My brother is too smart, too skilled, too cautious. Since the day I learned the truth, I've never seen him break character—not even once.
The perfect son. The perfect brother. The perfect father. The perfect husband.
He plays that role so perfectly that I once doubted what I had heard if not for someone telling me something revealing.
"Why? What did Dad do to Uncle Tinn?" my nephew asks in his innocent way, and he responds with the same warm smile of a perfect father.
"Haha, indeed, what should Dad do to Uncle Tinn, Nong Phu?"
"Nong Phu doesn't know."
"Dad doesn't know either. what Dad knows is that Nong Phu must finish his meal."
"Nong Phu is full now."
"You've only eaten half."
"But I'm full. I want to drink milk instead."
"Haha, you little rascal."
I watch their conversation and then speak up in a calm voice. "When will you stop playing this act?"
"Act? What act are you talking about?"
I stare at my brother, seeing him smile just like years ago. Back then though, I was too young to notice that his eyes never reflected me. He looks at me as if I'm invisible, without value—just like how he sometimes looks at his own son. I've often thought that when he does that, it's not with a father's love, even though his mouth always says so.
"Phupha is the solid love, as steadfast as a rock, that I gave to someone."
Phii Wadi is moved. Our parents are proud. Why do I feel that those words are completely insincere?
Right now, I'm too tired to argue with someone I'll never beat, so I turn away.
"Uncle Tinn, aren't you going to eat with Nong Phu?" Then my nephew's pitiful voice stops me for a moment.
"I'm late," is all I say before I move to leave the room.
If not for the casual remark of the person now focused back on his bowl of porridge.
"What you asked..."
I pause, listening.
"...I've been acting all my life. Why wouldn't I keep doing it?"
That alone tells me more than enough. Perhaps I'll never beat him. As I've said, my brother is too perfect of a demon. Even now, as he answers my question, he still plays the role of an older brother.
I start to leave the dining room as I hear his voice following me.
"Soon enough, something will happen that might make you happy."
Whatever that 'something' is, it makes me realize I need to be even more cautious.
Today, I feel weary again. Even though outwardly, I still appear to be the same coldly-aloof Tinn Metthanun, I'm tired. Perhaps it's because of my brother's words this morning or my mother's demeanor. Maybe it's whatever thoughts these are that keep circling in my mind, making me feel drained.
I may hardly socialize with anyone in my faculty, but that doesn't mean I don't have people to hang out with... There are friends I can buy with money, women I can find pleasure with, or even acquaintances from social events I have had to attend. However...
I'm too tired to meet any of them.
"Sigh." I pinch the bridge of my nose lightly, sighing in exhaustion as I step into the parking lot. Suddenly, I turn toward the football field, even though the building blocks my view. I feel an urge to go there.
"Ridiculous," I dismiss the thought as I walk to my car, muttering under my breath when I notice two or three flyers from restaurants or whatever else tucked under my windshield wiper. I tear them off, nearly crumpling them, until my attention is caught by an A4-sized report paper mixed in with them.
The fact that its blank side is facing outward surprises me. If someone were distributing these, wouldn't it be better to show the front? I unlock my car while flipping it over to look.
Thud.
I stop in my tracks, quickly sitting in my car, looking down at the paper again.
...I'm sorry...
The heading, written barely above the line, is followed by messier, smaller handwriting below, with crossing out and rewriting over liquid paper corrections multiple times.
...I don't really want to apologize to you, Ai'Tinn, but it's been on my mind. Stop. You don't have to call me a nitwit. Yeah, I'm a nitwit for apologizing to you over and over. But that day, I spoke too harshly. Who cares that you tricked me? Whatever, you tricked me. But I don't want to be in debt to you from my words. Anyway, I'm sorry for calling you names. I didn't mean it.
From Me.
Yeah, you also owe me an apology, you fucking shit-lizard.
I keep rereading the message on the paper, unsure of how to feel. My name is spelled wrong, the signature is sloppy, the paper is full of scribbles, and even though it's an old-fashioned way of apologizing, all I can do is...
"Idiotic," I mutter, but my grip on the paper tightens. I look out the window, seeing my reflection in the glass...
I'm smiling... smiling as if I'm about to cry.
I, Tinn Metthanun, am on the verge of tears just because of the stupid words of someone who says it's fine to be tricked as long as they get to apologize.
It feels like these words are helping me breathe again, just when I thought I was drowning.
Right now, I'm feeling less tired, simply because of these words.
What a nitwit though to care about someone like me.
##
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
"I can help, you know."
"No."
I ask hopefully, but his answer disappoints me. After all, I've argued with him about this all week. Even though Pond says my demeanor doesn't seem like arguing, I've tried my best. The issue we've been arguing about is nothing other than...
"Just let your partner tutor you. Haven't you ever heard? Having a romantic partner means you have to make the most of it."
That's right. The thing we're arguing about is... studying for exams.
Right now, the entire university is engulfed in a rather tense atmosphere. Of course, it's exam season. Even though the international program is not involved, I've been tagging along with Ae and Pond.
Getting summary sheets from Chae-em at the Faculty of Arts.
And along the way, I keep asking him the same questions, and he gives me the same answers back, to the point where Pond is probably tired of listening by now.
"I'm not the one who's supposed to." Ae says that, sounding a bit angry. Pond responds in kind.
"Then you don't need to take my girlfriend's summary to photocopy it, okay?"
"..."
His silence indicates that he definitely will. I feel a bit down. I want to help him, but I study in a different department, a different faculty, and a different style altogether. I can only assist with minor things.
"Haha, you can't speak now, can you?"
Thud
"Ouch!"
"Hey, is that how you use your girlfriend? With that mouth, you probably don't want to take the summary, huh!" I don't notice that Chae-em has come down from the building until now, but she must have caught the sentence about using your girlfriend well because she rolls up the paper and hits Pond on the head hard enough for him to yelp.
Then she turns and smiles at me.
"Hello, Pete. Are you here to help tutor Ae?"
"Really?" I can only respond in confusion before looking into Ae's eyes, which he has now... turned away from me.
"Oh, did Pete not know that you asked me to tutor him?" Chae-em asks Ae, and that makes me... feel a bit hurt.
Does that mean Ae asked Chae-em for help but turned down my assistance?
"Haha, he won't tell you. He's embarrassed, you know. Wow, it's been a long time since I've seen Ae like this. He used to say whatever was on his mind. Now he can't even admit he's just totally incompetent at English." Pond bursts into laughter, making me look at him, then back at Ae, whose brows are furrowed so tightly they almost form a bow.
"I'm not afraid of losing face."
"His voice sounds suspicious." Ah, that is true. Ae's voice is so stiff that I can tell he is angry.
"Then why don't you let me tutor you?" I do not know what makes me bold enough to ask that, and it causes him to pause. He runs his hand through his hair, looking as if he does not know how to respond while Pond bursts out laughing. "Go on, tell us why you won't let the international student tutor you in English." Not satisfied with just that, Pond now stares at us intently, and his gaze seems to irritate Ae even more.
"Ugh, why are you so picky?.... Come here." At that moment, Chae-em pulls her partner's arm and turns to me.
"There's no one on the second floor. We can talk up there. You stand out quite a bit, Pete." I look around. It is not just us in the building; there are students and staff members staring at us. The reason for that is probably me.
It seems that the comment makes Ae realize, for he turns and says plainly, "Let's talk upstairs."
Ae leads the way to the second floor. This floor has the faculty library, but the other side of the building is empty, perfect for us to talk. He starts the conversation first.
"The reason I didn't let you tutor me is that I saw the report is too much. I didn't want to bother you." I understand he is worried, but I have my own argument.
"But Chae-em is taking an exam too. Why do you let her tutor you?"
"Because she is in the same class."
"I have seen your English books. I could teach you easily." Of course, Level 1 English is very easy for me. It is just a few simple rules that I could teach him after looking at the book for a few minutes. "Besides, I heard Chae-em is studying Level 3." I usually do not argue with him this much, but since I heard he is having someone else tutor him, I feel... a bit hurt... a lot, actually.
"Fine, you don't have to tutor me then."
"Ae, you're being unreasonable."
He turns to look at me before speaking in frustration.
"Or would you rather I ask Chomphu to tutor me?"
As soon as those words leave his mouth, I feel as if the ground tilts beneath me. A strange hollowness forms in my chest, and I end up pressing my lips tightly together. Now that he has brought someone else into this, I don't understand why Ae refuses to tell me, but I know I should stop. I don't want to upset him any more with my own foolishness, no matter how hurt I feel.
"I'm sorry. I'm being foolish. Let's head back down. Pond and Em must be tired of waiting by now..." I try to keep my voice cheerful while forcing a smile and begin walking downstairs, signaling that I won't push the issue any further.
Between feeling quietly hurt and seeing Ae close to another girl, I'd rather endure this silent pain.
Grab.
"Damn it. The one being foolish isn't you—it's me!" Before I can go any further, Ae grabs my wrist, cursing softly. I don't dare look up at him, my eyes fixed on my shoes. I don't want him to see that something this small is making me want to cry.
This is probably the first time we've argued like this.
"Pete... look at me." I stay silent, feeling his grip tighten before he sighs.
"I'm sorry."
I shake my head, wanting to tell him that he's not at fault and that he doesn't need to apologize. The words won't come out though.
Grab.
"!!!"
Suddenly, he pulls me into a hug, and I almost push him away.
"Ae, people downstairs might see us."
"Let them… You're about to cry." He always knows how to silence me.
Somehow, the hollow feeling inside vanishes as his hand rubs my back soothingly.
"I'm sorry. I'm the one being foolish. I shouldn't have brought Chomphu into this."
I know I'm not being fair, but whenever Ae mentions Nong Chomphu, it makes me feel awful. I start comparing myself to her, even though I shouldn't. Still, I can't help but wonder—why won't he let me tutor him?
"About the tutoring..."
"It's fine. If you don't want to tell me, that's okay."
Grab.
"Quiet and listen carefully." Not only does he interrupt me, but he also pulls my head down even more.
"I don't want you to think I'm a loser."
Huh?!
"That's right. You don't know how bad I am at English. Even the simple rules that elementary kids memorize don't stick with me. There are all these random rules… You'd have to listen to me recite them like some nitwit who can't remember anything…"
"But I…"
"Be quiet and let me finish before I lose my nerve again." I stay silent, about to argue that it's really not a big deal, that everyone has different strengths. However, I freeze as I feel his warm breath against my neck when he sighs.
"I don't know why I've become like this. I used to accept that I was a nitwit, and I was okay with being short. With you—and only with you—it's different..." He sighs again before continuing.
"I want to seem smart in your eyes."
"Ridiculous, isn't it?"
"Ae..." I mutter, feeling his arms tighten around me.
"Yeah! You probably think I'm ridiculous for not letting you tutor me because I'm scared you'll see how much I really suck. And then I also want you to think I'm great all the time, even though I'm just plain old Ai'Ae."
I don't know how to respond, but a wide smile forms on my face after hearing what he said.
Is it wrong that I find Ae adorable?
He wants to look good in my eyes, but I want to tell him…
"No, Ae. You're always the best in my eyes."
"Don't flatter me."
I look up, wanting to see his face, and catch him quickly glancing away. I think he's embarrassed, which makes me smile even more.
"What are you smiling about?"
"Nothing," I deny instinctively, but it seems he doesn't believe me.
Grab
"Ow! Ae!"
"Stop smiling like that. You're the reason I'm not myself anymore." He doesn't just say it; he locks my neck with his arm, pulling me down until I could only let out a quiet groan.
Instead of stopping, he ruffles my hair roughly, like he is punishing me. Yet, his words make it impossible for me to stop smiling.
I'm happy that I make Ae lose his composure, because it means I'm not the only one feeling this way. Wanting to look good in the eyes of someone you like… does that mean Ae likes me too?
"So, will you let me tutor you, Ae?"
"No." He still insists on the same answer when I ask. But this time, I'm not upset. In fact, I can't help but smile even wider.
##
Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
I'm embarrassed. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm feeling embarrassed.
"See? How hard is this? Look, Ae. It's almost the same as the last sentence, you just need to switch a few words…" Chase-em softly explains.
The sky is already dark, but my struggle is far from over. Chae-em has been tutoring me for over an hour now, yet none of this knowledge is sticking in my brain.
Give me a physics problem to solve instead!
I curse inwardly as I glance at Chae-em, who's sitting across from me. Next to her is Ai'Pond, reading a book about Thailand's beaches (what does that have to do with exams, anyway?). Then there's Ai'Pete, who's sitting beside me, working on his report after fetching his laptop from the car. I'm not trying to be nosy, but I happen to notice a thick stack of English papers—heavy enough to knock someone out.
Is it so wrong that I want to be impressive in his eyes?
I sigh again. I'm not usually the type who feels the need to seem impressive. I've never even seen myself that way. However, because Pete sees me as someone reliable and capable, it makes him the one person I never want to disappoint.
By now he's probably realizing just how much of a peabrain I am when it comes to this foreign language.
"Sorry." I apologize to my tutor for having to endure my incompetence, but Chae-em shakes her head.
I start wondering how Chomphu managed to put up with teaching me last term.
"It's fine, Ae. Just take it slow. No one becomes good overnight."
"I don't want to pick sides here, Em, but I've been trying to memorize this since elementary school. It's not just one day. Ten years and I still can't remember it. It really shows how messed up Thai education is." Pond's voice intrudes.
"No one would call you mute if you kept quiet, Ai'Pond."
"Oooh, take it easy, man. Don't forget, I lent you my Girlfriend to tutor you. Show some gratitude!"
I wanted to punch him and knock his teeth out, but all I can do is sigh at the truth of his words.
"You're the one who needs to be grateful. Exams are coming up, and you're reading what? A beach guide? Maybe survive the exams first before thinking about vacations."
I didn't even have to scold him; Chae-em already does. She snaps at him, and Ai'Pond, whining like an idiot, rests his head on her shoulder, only for her to shove him off.
"Come on, Em, vacations are a big deal! Exams are secondary… Wait, I mean, they're just as important as vacations!"
I see him backtrack quickly when Chae-em looks ready to whack him with his own book. Then Pond turns to me.
"Don't believe me? Ask Ae! This trip's got our whole high school gang coming."
I suddenly remember. Ai'Pond has been planning since before exam week started to go on a trip with his old friends during the break. I've almost forgotten, given how much other stuff I have going on. However, now that he mentions it, I remember.
"So, who's going?"
"Everyone. We're all set. Ai'Sun, Ai'Dīe, Ai'Diao, and Ai'Mai are coming. I bet we're all going to be drunk and falling into the sea."
As soon as he starts talking about the trip, Ai'Pond lights up, and it seems to catch the attention of the person sitting next to me.
"Is it the same Sun and Dīe who came for the birthday party?"
"Yep, that's them. But Ai'Sun called last night, and it looks like Ai'Dīe is bringing a boyfriend with him."
"Wait, wait, isn't Dīe a guy?" Chae-em asks at that moment, and honestly, I would've asked the same. Ai'Pond's phrasing was enough to make anyone wonder. His response is a loud laugh, with a side glance at me that makes me want to stab him with my pen.
"He's a guy, Em. But whether he's fully a guy, I'm not sure. Doesn't seem like he's using his... stick... much." Pond snickers.
"Pond!" His crude joke makes me sigh, so I have to step in and explain myself.
"They're all guys, Chae-em. It seems like Ai'Dīe is dating a guy now..."
"Then Ai'Sun's got a partner—an older guy from his faculty." Ai'Pond jumps in immediately, making me sigh again.
There are some things you really shouldn't be broadcasting about your friends. Well, it's out in the open now, so I let it slide.
"Wow, so open about it! I kind of want to go on this trip now." Chase-em enthuses.
Was it just me, or did Chae-em's eyes sparkle?
"No way!"
I thought Ai'Pond would be thrilled that his girlfriend wanted to tag along, but instead, he immediately shakes his head furiously.
"Why? Are you hiding something from me? Why can't I go?" I doubt Chae-em really wants to go, but Ai'Pond's exaggerated reaction—eye rolls and all—make her suspicious.
"No! I'm just worried you'd cheat on me."
"Come on, all our friends are super attractive. What if you fall for Ai'Sun's good looks or Ai'Diao's skills? No way, I'm not letting you go. It's better if you just stay with me, or the short one."
I honestly want to punch him at this point. I know I'm not the standout of the group, but hearing it repeatedly is starting to get under my skin.
"Fine, I won't go." Chae-em, clearly fed up with Ai'Pond's antics, turns to Pete, who seems genuinely interested in the conversation.
"Are you going, Pete?"
"Hey, are you going? You could make a grand entrance like Ai'Dīe! He even brought his partner along. Ai'Ae can bring his romantic partner to show off too..."
Thud!
"Ouch!" I finally lost my patience with Ai'Pond and kicked him hard in the shin, then turned to Pete.
"You're not going." My voice came out sharp, and I noticed Pete's expression falter a bit.
"Uh, I don't have to go," he replied.
"It's not that I don't want you to go." Recently, I haven't been great at saying what I actually mean. My reasoning was probably just as ridiculous as Ai'Pond's.
"Then why not, man?" Ai'Pond butts in, sticking his face right into the conversation, earning a glare from me.
"Because I said so!"
"Okay, fine. Give me three reasons why Pete shouldn't go. Seriously, you've got a super good-looking partner like this—take him along! Everyone will be stunned, jaws dropped, thinking, "Wow, Ai'Ae snagged a godlike partner!"
Ai'Pond raised his eyebrows and mimicked being deep in thought before adding, "Oops, maybe I should shut up before I don't live to see the trip."
He returns to his seat, leaving me to lock eyes with Pete, who still looks confused.
"Three reasons, huh?" I hold up three fingers and say, "Because of Sun, Sun, and Sun."
"Huh? Sun? Wait... ohhh! Now, I get it."
"Uh, what about Sun?" Pete asks.
Pete clearly has forgotten what happened the last time he met my friend. Meanwhile, Ai'Pond is loudly nodding in exaggerated understanding.
"Jealousy— that kind of jealousy," Ai'Pond elaborates, leaving Pete to blink in surprise before shaking his head slightly.
"I don't have any feelings for Sun. Besides, like Pond said, Sun already has a romantic partner, right?"
"I don't trust him."
Click.
Pete freezes, and I can't help but remember the time that bloody friend of mine squeezed himself next to Pete, practically pressing his cheek against his. The memory makes me growl out, "It's not that I don't trust you. I'm confident in you. I just don't trust Sun. He may not steal you, but that doesn't mean he won't mess with me."
If I see him getting too close to Pete again, I will definitely snap.
The table falls into a momentary silence.
"Sometimes, Ae, you say things that could make someone blush without even realizing it." Chae-em's comment catches me off guard, forcing me to replay my own words in my head.
I'm confident in you.
I almost want to cover my eyes out of embarrassment. Ai'Pond is giving me a smug look, Chae-em's eyes are filled with teasing, and to top it off, Pete's pale cheeks have turned a deeper shade of red.
"So, what's the final decision? Is Pete going or not?"
"No." I stand firm.
Pete wouldn't survive a minute with my friends. Their mouths are weapons straight from hell.
It is no surprise when Ai'Pond pipes up with a mock-innocent tone, "Oh, it's not that you don't trust him. You just don't trust your friends. Aww, so cute, so sweet."
Ping!
I have reached my limit. I slam the table, stand up, and chase after Ai'Pond, who barely manages to escape as I run after him, intending to land a solid kick. If I don't make him bleed this time, you might as well stop calling me Ai'Ae the shorty!
"Pete, if you met someone hotter than Ae, would you be interested?" Even though I was busy chasing Ai'Pond around, I still heard Chae-em asking my romantic partner that question.
Pete's answer only makes me chase Ai'Pond even harder. "No, because Ae is the best for me."
Okay, fine. I'll admit it... I am kicking Ai'Pond just to hide my embarrassment.
NEXT Intermission
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