Content Warning: This work is intended for mature (NC17) audiences. If you are younger, please kindly leave this site.
~~~
Splash… splash…
Inside Tul’s bedroom, silence reigned, broken only by the faint sound of water flowing onto tiled floors, echoing from the bathroom door. Though it was a sound he heard daily, this time it caused Pathapee’s face to grow increasingly tense. His sharp eyes, weathered from sun exposure, fixated on the bathroom door, unblinking. His hands, clutched a towel, gripped it tighter than before.
Khun Tul was taking too long in the shower. A man who disliked wasting time had now been inside for nearly forty minutes.
This only deepened Kon Hin’s worry.
Since the incident that morning, his Chao-nai had been unnervingly calm—too silent. Everyone else speculated it was due to shock, but having been by Tul’s side since childhood, Kon Hin knew it was something more. Something he hoped would never happen.
All day, Kon Hin had made an effort to stay close, watching for any unusual behavior, fearing what might come.
Crash!
Gasp!
Crash! Crash!! Crash!!!
“Khun Tul!!!”
And it truly happened.
Behind the door Pathapee had slammed open, under the icy spray that sent a chilling mist through the bathroom and froze the heart, stood the bare figure of the mixed-heritage man, looking utterly devoid of emotion. He relentlessly pounded his fists against the wall, seemingly unaware of the pain, even as blood began to drip. If no one stopped him, his knuckles would undoubtedly shatter.
Crash!
Grab!
“Khun Tul, that’s enough!”
Kon Hin rushed forward and seized his Chao-nai’s wrist, paying no mind to the water soaking his clothes and clinging to his body. His focus was entirely on the man harming himself without care for anything else. Just as Tul’s left fist was about to strike the wall again, Kon Hin caught it in time and raised his voice.
“Don’t do this, sir!!!”
Silence was the only reply. Then, the handsome face tilted upward, revealing eyes that were... empty.
Eyes like those of the dead.
“Khun Tul, please don’t hurt yourself like this.”
“I… I did it again,” Tul said hoarsely, his trembling fist betraying a weakness that wasn’t from the cold spray of water but from the icy grip of his own heart. This made his subordinate take a deep breath, gazing into those sharp yet lifeless eyes.
"Then why won’t you stop, Khun Tul?"
Stop hurting others, because that is the greatest harm you can do to yourself.
Kon Hin spoke with a firm voice, his eyes trembling. He was the only one who had witnessed these events countless times. This man might hurt others, but in doing so, the pain would always come back to harm his own Chao-nai.
The first time he saw the violence was the day... Khun-than fell down the stairs.
The day everything changed.
Khun Tul never wanted to do it, but that person had pushed his Chao-nai to the edge of the cliff.
The cliff of pain, the cliff with no way back, the cliff where this man thought he stood alone.
But that wasn’t the truth...
"Khun Tul, please stop. Don’t hurt anyone anymore…”
“I won’t stop!!!”
But the one who seemed to be silently listening suddenly shouted out.
Thud!
Furthermore, the taller figure shoved into his shoulder, sending the unprepared Kon Hin crashing against the wall behind him. Tul’s beautiful, mixed-heritage eyes flashed with a fierce intensity, as if flames were burning within them.
Then the hard, defiant voice rang out once again.
“I will never stop! Did you hear me? Why should I let them destroy my life all alone? For twenty years, I’ve had to live in the hell of this house. Have I ever had happiness like anyone else? While they laugh with their fake happiness, it’s only me, just me, the kid who shouldn’t have been born. Just me, not them! No one has ever thought about how I feel! So why should I care what happens to them, whether they live, die, or suffer!!!”
The roar that followed would have made anyone else flinch in fear, but not Kon Hin. He was not a slave who would turn his gaze away.
“But Khun Tul, you have me.”
Thud.
The words, spoken with hope, tried to reach the heart of the man consumed by anger. The listener stood still, as if listening, as if trying to understand, but only for a brief moment.
Then, with a powerful swing, a heavy fist came flying toward Kon Hin, who couldn’t react in time, and...
Crash!!!
It slammed into the wall behind Kon Hin, and blood poured from his knuckles, mixing with the cold spray of water, barely missing his face. The person who almost punched him had been startled to the extreme because...
Grab.
“Khun Tul, please stop! Please, stop!!”
The person in front of Kon Hin wasn’t trying to hurt him; he was trying to hurt himself!
Kon Hin couldn’t let this happen. This man was already suffering deeply inside. He didn’t want that suffering to spill over into his body. He rushed in to hold him down, but he couldn’t match the strength of someone desperately trying to inflict pain to replace the guilt inside.
“Let me go! Let me go, you bloody rock! I said let me go!”
“No, Khun Tul, I won’t let you hurt yourself like this!” Kon Hin tried to push his Chao-nai against the wall, attempting to meet his gaze, trying to bring him back to his senses.
But as always, he couldn’t match the force. Instead of pushing the other away, they ended up struggling together.
Wham!
Heavy fists hit his face several times, leaving no room to dodge. The result was both of them crashing to the tiled floor, while Kon Hin held Tul’s waist, trying to calm the raging man once again.
His voice trembled as he shouted. “Khun Tul, you still have me! Can’t you hear me, you still have me!!!!”
Shh... shh...
The wild punches suddenly stopped, and the body that had been thrashing slowly weakened.
As Tul raised his blood-soaked hand to cover his face, it was as though he didn’t want anyone to see the tears flowing, even though there wasn’t a single drop.
But for the one holding him, it was clear.
Tears had never flowed from this man’s eyes, but for his heart... it was flooded with pain that could be felt.
“Kon... what did I do wrong... what did I do wrong...”
The question came from the man, who lifted his other hand to wrap around Kon Hin’s shoulder, burying his face as though searching for warmth. With both hands, bloodied and trembling, he clung to the person who had been by his side since childhood, asking a question that had never received an answer.
What did he do wrong?
Was it wrong to give back the things he once received, to return them to the ones who had hurt him? Was what he did wrong?
The image of his grandmother suddenly flashed into Tul’s mind, and it made him grip tighter. His eyes glinted once again, as though he wanted to use violence to push those images away.
The person in his embrace knew this well because Pathapee lifted his head to meet his gaze.
It was the second time Kon Hin had said these words.
"If you hurt... bring the pain onto me."
"I will do anything, as long as I can ease your pain, even just a little."
These words marked the beginning of the sexual violence between them soon after they both reached the age of consent, and Khun Pathapee was willing to accept everything.
~~~
Amid the silence in the bedroom, there was a nearly naked body, wearing nothing but a shirt torn so badly that its buttons were missing. His hands were bound tightly, and tears welled up from his heart, flowing from his eyes.
The eyes that stared at the ceiling, as he suppressed the pain coursing through his body.
Kon Hin knew that the pain he was feeling was nothing compared to what the one hurting him was going through.
The one who was biting his body, leaving terrifying bruises.
These were not the marks of a romantic kiss, but the marks of a bite showing violence.
"Again!"
The lips bit down on his chest, like a predator tearing into its prey, sending pain through his body.
The pain surged rapidly throughout his entire body, causing Kon Hin to tilt his head back, biting his lip to stifle the cries that slipped out. The other party, however, paid no attention, for the hot tip of the tongue was licking the deep wound while a hand was forcefully squeezing the core of his body, making Kon Hin scream.
And it was the core of his body that was tightly bound by the student’s necktie.
"You....Tul, I.... hurt... eek..." Even though he cried softly, there was no response from the other party.
There was only a large hand sliding along the bound flesh, causing the recipient to have to dig his feet into the bed, gasping for air until his body shook as the pain and lust were crashing into his body.
Smack!
"Oh..."
The pain alternated with the tingling sensation from the tip of the tongue licking the light-colored nipple, flicking back and forth until it was hard. The lips covered it as if touching it tenderly, until the person receiving it had to purse their lips tightly because he knew well that gentleness always came first...
"Ah!!! Khun Tul... Khun Tul, eek."
The sharp teeth bit down with full force, sending pain that made him struggle. Even though he tried to stop himself, the rock involuntarily struggled for freedom, but was grabbed by a large hand, grabbing his dark hair, pulling him back to receive a violent kiss that was pressed against him, as if the owner of the kiss was no longer conscious.
"Mmm, mm, honest."
A kiss that crushed down until the taste of blood could be felt, mixed with saliva dripping onto the corners of the mouth, indistinguishable from one another. All that could be sensed was the smell of iron attacking the nostrils, almost causing choking. The hands, bound behind the back, were aching and numb, unable to even twist or turn to escape.
"Where are you going?!"
Because his legs were spread wide, the person who instinctively flinched back was startled when Tul grabbed his hips and pulled him in with full force. The beautiful eyes that were now like a dead person stared at him before the corners of his mouth lifted up.
“You know that you can’t escape from me.”
Swoop.
“Aaaaah!!! Khun Tul! Y...don’t...it hurts...it’s tight...y...don’t. Ha ha ha. Ha ha...”
Hin couldn’t breathe, his body writhing in pain when suddenly the hot rod was inserted into the narrow passage that he had barely prepared for. And even though he should have been used to it, when it suddenly attacked him, the young man could only scream in his throat, letting tears drip down his cheeks.
Grumble.
“Does it hurt, Hin...does it hurt?”
The mixed-blood young man suddenly placed his hand on his tear-stained cheek, his deep, hoarse voice softening, leaning down closer as if he was clearly looking at the face filled with pain.
The sharp eyes that shed tears, the face that was stained with clear water, the corner of his mouth that was stained with fresh blood, and the pain reflected through his eyes.
“I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”
The tip of Tul’s thumb gently wiped away his tears, but Kon Hin was holding back his sobs and slowly shaking his head.
“N… no, Khun Tul didn’t hurt me… eek… not… at all.” Even though he forced his voice, Kon Hin tried to assure him, to make the other person believe that no matter what he was done, he would be by his side.
And that made Tul smile, lower his head and use the tip of his tongue to lick the tears… on one side… and then move to the other side.
A very gentle action that shook the heart of the person who received it… even if it was only for a split second.
“You’re the only one by my side… don’t leave me.”
The words sounded so pitiful that Hin looked up, gathered his strength to press his body up to kiss his lips, and insisted.
"I-won't-go-anywhere-yet."
The answer that Tul gave a slow smile. The big hand moved to push the hips to lift up high, and then slowly pushed the body in slowly as if making the other person get used to it until Kon Hin slowly closed his eyes, panting, receiving the hot rod that was taking pleasure in his body and... releasing the pain.
Swoop!
"Ha!"
Suddenly, the hot rod slammed in violently, almost tearing the narrow passage apart, until Kon Hin clenched his hands tightly against the bed sheet, suppressing the cry that would stop the other person because he knew that Khun Tul would not listen. But it wasn't just the pain, the core that was rubbing against the soft wall behind him, which had been learning about having sex in the back door for many years, made his breath even faster, the tie that was being tied became wetter and wetter.
"Do you really think I'll say that?"
Again!
Suddenly, Tul said, "Ugh! Ha!" and just the tip of his finger rubbed on the wet tip.
Hin shook his head the other way. He felt the pain that was condensed in his midsection. He wanted to release it, but if his Chao-nai didn't let him, there was no way.
Swoop, Swoop...Swoop!
This time, the hot rod thrusts harder, to the point that the person receiving lets out groans that echo throughout the room. Because no matter how intense it is, the body accepts it unwillingly. While the waves of desire climb higher and higher, the temperature gets even hotter, until the person who can't stand it whispers in a trembling voice.
"Let me...finish... Khun Tul...let me..."
"You look happy."
"I...I won't...gasp!"
Suddenly, the eyes of the person straddling the body changed. They are filled with hatred and anger when looking into the eyes that are full of pleading. It made Hin flinch, and before he could react to what was going to happen, his breath was cut off.
Tul's two hands were on the neck of his close friend!
"Y...you...Tul...gasp!" Hin couldn’t even reach out to push away.
Tul's two hands were squeezing Hin’s neck harder, just like the hot rod was thrusting into his body violently. Both Hin’s eyes could only look into the eyes of the person who seems to feel nothing anymore.
The person who was moving his body harder, just like the hands that are squeezing tightly.
Khun Tul was crying, and it was transmitted through two hands that conveyed the feeling to Hin.
The feeling became more and more intense until Hin could not breathe, tears flowed, no strength to even swallow saliva, letting it flow through the lips, along with a twitching sound in the throat.
But Hin still squeezed out a whisper to say
"N... it's not.... I kn... what... It... is..."
Even if you kill me, it's okay.
“No…thing…wrong…”
Gasp!
“Cough… cough… gasp… cough… cough!”
The faint voice calling out brought Tul’s senses back, startling him enough to release his grip on the throat he had been squeezing. He looked at the tear-filled eyes of the one who was choking, gasping so violently their whole body convulsed. Tul removed the restraints on Kon Hin’s hands, allowing him to inhale deeply and throw his arms around Tul’s broad shoulders.
“I… am… fine…” Despite the choking and the burning pain in his throat, Hin still attempted to console Tul.
And Tul embraced him in return, until there was no space left between their bodies.
“I hurt you again,” Tul murmured.
“I’m really fine… I promise… just as long as you’re… okay,” Kon Hin replied, barely able to form words. He knew Tul had returned to his senses—the violence Tul had displayed brought everything back. Tul buried his face in the shoulder of his trusted companion.
“They couldn’t hurt you, Khun Tul… ha… ha… I swear… they couldn’t…”
“I hate them… I hate them so much… I hate them!” Tul’s voice trembled with rage, a confession meant for Kon Hin’s ears alone. The unending hatred, the burning anger, was held in check only by the understanding arms embracing him. This understanding had kept Tul Metthanun human to this day.
Some might consider a stone worthless, but this particular Kon Hin was the sole pillar supporting the heart of a man burdened with immense pain.
"I hate them, Ai'Hin. I hate them."
"I know, Khun Tul. I know."
~~~
This time was worse than the last.
Amid the pitch-black darkness, devoid of light, Pathapee lay awake, his mind consumed by what had happened barely an hour ago—the violence his Chao-nai had displayed.
Kon Hin neither cared nor paid attention to the burning pain in his throat, nor to the bruises that were already reddening and would likely turn deep purple by tomorrow. What truly concerned him was that Khun Tul’s condition seemed far worse than in previous instances.
Perhaps Khun Tul redirected his violence towards him rather than towards others. However, Khun Tul had never tried to kill him before. This was the first time he had been choked. He admitted to himself that he was utterly terrified. Yet his fear stemmed from the thought that if he were to die, there would be no one left to stay by the side of the man who now clung to him, fast asleep.
The violence was incomparable to that of several years ago.
Back then, when Khun-than was pushed down the stairs, Khun Tul had been deeply affected, to the point of concern. However, during that time, Hin had only been punched—there had only been violent sex that left him torn—and it ended there. This time, however, it was far worse, shattering the notion that Khun Tul would improve if he stayed away from his biological Khun Yaa. The closer they came into each other’s orbit, the more Khun Tul resembled a ticking time bomb.
Normally, Khun Tul wasn’t this short-tempered.
They might have engaged in rough sex, but it didn’t always draw blood.
All of this wasn’t because Pathapee worried about his own body potentially perishing. Instead, he worried about the other’s mental state. He longed for his Chao-nai to return to the person he used to be—the innocent boy who still had a mother to protect him. Yet, such a reality was no longer possible.
If Khun Tinn were at home, would it be better?
Such were the thoughts of someone reflecting on another Chao-nai—the younger brother of Tul, his true sibling by blood. The one boy who could draw a genuine smile from this man.
Though Tul often claimed not to care about his younger brother, insisting that everything he did was simply to avoid conflicts with Rasa, was that truly the case?
Yes, Khun Tul may have been the one behind persuading Khun Phuying to send her son to study abroad, with the justification of providing a better future, a more advanced life than his own. Yet why, then, did he visit his brother every year? Why send him birthday gifts? Were these truly the actions of an elder brother who despised his half-brother to the bone?
Perhaps, in truth, they were the actions of someone desperately clinging to the last remnants of family?
If Khun Tinn were here, perhaps Khun Tul's state of mind would be better.
Yet all of this was merely his own thoughts.
Kon Hin might know Khun Tul better than anyone in the world, but he had never truly understood his Chao-nai’s thoughts.
Kon Hin raised his hand to touch his neck and almost flinched. It no longer hurt, but the events from earlier flashed through his mind—the look in the eyes of someone who had nearly killed him.
"Does it hurt a lot?"
"Khun Tul, did I wake you?"
Suddenly, the man holding his waist, with his face buried in his chest, lifted his head, propped himself up from the bed, and asked in a low voice, prompting Pathapee to answer with concern.
Tonight was one of the rare nights when Khun Tul had fallen asleep before midnight, likely due to both physical and emotional exhaustion. Pathapee had considered this a small blessing amidst the terrible events that had unfolded. But when the man before him shifted to sit upright, leaning one shoulder against the headboard and extending his hand towards him, the moment felt heavy.
Gasp!
The servant could not suppress his flinch, causing the man who had extended his hand to freeze momentarily before withdrawing it and covering his face.
"So, I'm just a monster to you, am I?" Though the voice that spoke was calm, how could the listener fail to detect the pain within it?
He quickly denied the statement. "No, Khun Tul, you are not."
From the moment we met, I thought you were an angel.
A boy with a face so angelic that a dark-skinned provincial kid like him hardly dared to touch for fear of tarnishing his purity.
"I didn't mean to hurt you like that."
"I know."
Tul lifted his head, looking through the darkness at the person who had always been by his side, meeting a gaze filled with such concern that it prompted him to reach out again. This time, his touch landed gently on the neck. Though the dimness obscured the bruises, how could the one who inflicted them not know they were there?
"You know, don't you, that I might do it again?"
The question went unanswered because Kon Hin knew it too.
This was the first time, but it would not necessarily be the last—second, third, fourth, or beyond.
The silence that followed made Tul's lips curl, not at his companion, but at himself.
"Do you want to leave me yet?"
"Khun Tul!" The listener cried out in shock, staring at the sharp features of the man who continued speaking.
"If you don’t want to die, you shouldn’t stay near me. You know I’m cursed. Anyone who stays with me ends up ruined."
"That’s not true, Khun Tul!" The more Kon Hin listened, the more alarmed he became, watching as the man slowly shook his head before speaking in a cold tone that made his heart nearly stop.
"She always said people like me are unwanted."
The "she" in question could only refer to one person—the one who had been whispering such words into this man’s ears since he was a child. Tul had never been able to step out of the shadow cast by his grandmother.
No matter how skilled or virtuous he was, the young half-Thai man was shackled by invisible chains—chains that the old woman had bound tightly. Even near death, it seemed her grip only tightened, holding him so firmly he could barely move.
"You’re the same. One day—"
"I’m not, Khun Tul!" This time, before the other could finish his sentence, the normally quiet Kon Hin interrupted loudly. He stepped closer, taking both of the man's hands and placing them on his own neck.
Looking directly into those piercing eyes, he spoke in a trembling voice, as if on the verge of tears but without shedding any.
"I’ve already told you that I live to serve you, Khun Tul. It’s not about whether I want you or not. It’s about you. If you want me, I will stay here, always reminding you that I will be here. Always."
The speaker forced his Chao-nai’s hands to tighten around his neck, a gesture that left the mixed-heritage man frozen before he finally pulled his hands away.
Actions that conveyed the message...not wanting to cause harm.
"And if I asked what’s in your heart?" The man burdened with immense scars asked, and the answer had remained unchanged since childhood.
"I want to stay here, Khun Tul."
As soon as those firm words were spoken, silence enveloped the room. Only two pairs of eyes met through the terrifying darkness.
Tul reached out once more, not to harm but to...pull the other into an embrace.
"I’ve given you a chance, Hin."
"I don’t want that chance, Khun Tul."
The chance to leave this man’s embrace.
The embrace tightened around his loyal companion’s body, so close they could feel each other’s warmth. Then Tul lay back down on the bed, keeping the other by his side without letting him leave.
"Stay here. Don’t go back to your room."
"Understood."
It was an order Kon Hin would follow strictly, making himself a good bolster, waiting until his Chao-nai drifted off to sleep once more. Only then did he dare to reach out and gently stroke the other’s head, hoping that his insignificant touch could, in some small way, substitute for the affection his Chao-nai so deeply yearned for.
"May you have sweet dreams, Khun Tul."
And may every nightmare of yours come to me instead.
The thought of someone who drifted off to sleep in exhaustion, his hand still resting on the dark locks, held tightly in an embrace as if to say that even if Tul wasn’t wanted by anyone else, he...would always have someone by his side.
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