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Perspective - Tinn Metthanun
...In love with moments like these...
A short status pops up on my Facebook wall, and I just stare at it, frozen.
Because I'm not a clueless idiot, just a few words are enough for me to figure out who P'Pete is with.
There's only one person it could be... that Thai commoner.
Honestly, I hate other people's uninvited interference in my life. No, it hasn't always been like this. I used to love standing out and being in the center of attention. However, ever since that fucking disaster that made me realize everyone around me is just out for themselves, I've withdrawn. I don't trust anyone anymore. I see everyone in a bad light.
Even my Facebook is a private space—just friends from my time in England, some people who are useful to me, and those I think I can trust, like... Pete.
When I see that status though, my old thoughts rush back.
For me, women are just a place to vent emotions. Foolish, chaotic, constantly begging for stupid love, even though they're the ones inviting me to bed. No matter how many of them there are, it's always the same—when they see how I dress, the car I drive, my last name, or how much money I have, they let me have them easily.
Love with women is very much a joke to me. On the other hand love with men... that's just complete thoughtlessness.
But...
In the midst of my thoughts, another voice within me screams in denial: why does P'Pete look so happy? I may hate seeing him express how much he trusts that Thai commoner, without considering that Ai Ae might be there to take advantage of him. He must have forgotten who his father is, who his grandmother is.
P'Pete's mother might not be considered a top-tier businessperson, but his father's side... doesn't he realize that many people probably hope to keep him under their thumb?
Ai Ae could be one of them.
People can call me cynical; I don't care. I think it's pathetic that P'Pete tries to protect his partner... Huh, I guess I should use that word. For me, who doesn't believe in any kind of pure relationship nonsense, I just want to...
Prove it.
I want to take P'Pete for myself. I believe that the relationship Ai Khaen portrays as strong and stable is as fragile as a single fine thread... just a little tug and it can break.
Him... someone with nothing.
Me... someone with everything society dictates.
No matter how much they love each other, this society, this world has never determined that love can conquer all. Money is the key variable. Even the love of parents that everyone says is great cannot compete with money in my house. That's why I want to prove to P'Pete, to his partner, to his friends... that this is just a fake love that thinks it's real.
Or, perhaps, I secretly hope someone will prove me wrong about what I believe?
Huh, do I still view the world as a place with happy-ever-afters, Ai Tinn? I ask myself with self-flagating irony.
I shake my head at this thought. I don't expect anything. In fact, I must not expect anything because I already know how painful disappointment can be.
So, my involvement in P'Pete's affairs has only two points. I just want to prove that this is a fake love that's an eyesore. And another thing... I feel regret for a lost opportunity.
Since I entered university, Pete has been the only one that I have felt comfortable with and that I can trust. It has been clear to me since I first met him that he hides part of himself. His gaze that is full of understanding has drawn my interest. I feel like I can be my true self around him.
Pete never asks about my family, only asking about me or talking about classwork. He never pries or meddles. Most of the time, we sit in class quietly. When I am with him, I feel calm and grounded.
It would be such a waste to lose this peace of mind to anyone else.
No... that's not it.
I don't need to revisit the question of whether I like men. No, I never have. Throughout my life, I've only ever slept with women. So why does this sense of loss make me ask myself: could I sleep with a man?
I've been thinking about this for days, and somehow, it's helped distract me from the mess at home.
Today, there's another event to celebrate my "wonderful" older brother—a man everyone sees as a traditional success. Another occasion to honor that hypocrite.
He's eight years older than me, eight years ahead of me, and for those eight years, I've watched him take control of everything. Meanwhile, all I've ever held in my hand is... nothing! And maybe I'll die for it.
Anyhow, my mother called to tell me I had to attend that damn celebration. For God's sake, her step-son is better in her eyes than her own flesh and blood. Why bother calling me?
I firmly told her... I'm not going!
"Hey, hey you, watch how you speak to your mother! Do you even understand what you're saying?"
That was when that fucking shit-lizard football player with almond-shaped eyes showed up again, sneering at me just like always. Every time I see him, he looks down on me even more. Why does Pete enjoy the company of these Thai commoner students? They are not worth the time he spends praising them.
And honestly, it's not worth talking about with anyone. This almond-eyed snot isn't even worth my time.
I tried to ignore him and get into my car, ready to go to the gym and blow off some steam, when he grabbed my arm and went off on another long rant. I felt nothing... until he said the words that ignited a fire inside me.
"Yeah, I don't want to talk to a kid deprived of affection like you either!!!"
His words trigger bitter memories. 'Stop acting like a kid deprived of affection, can't you? Your brother loves you, why are you always so jealous of him?'
I hate that word!
"What did you say!?!"
I barked out, my voice hard, gripping his upper arm tightly, eyes flashing. He wasn't scared though, meeting my gaze and emphasizing the words I hated hearing the most.
"I insulted you, hey you—you affection-deprived kid... Mmmph!!!"
I didn't kiss him. What I did doesn't count as a kiss for me. I just wanted to teach him not to run his mouth. That act… the easiest way—the most satisfying way for me—suddenly sprang to mind. I crushed my mouth against his, hard enough to taste the tang of blood as my lips smashed against his teeth.
Then, more importantly, in that split second, my brain realized I could use this to my advantage.
I pulled away, shoving him hard. The shock on his face gave me an unbelievable sense of satisfaction. Then I turned and got back into the car, having found the answer to the question I'd been asking myself for days.
"It's not that disgusting."
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, not feeling the kind of revulsion that would make me want to spit. It was proof, in a way, that I can probably sleep with a guy. If I can sleep with a guy... then I can take back my peace of mind too. Then if this almond-eyed loser keeps messing with me, I will try out whether or not I can do what I think I can with him.
Besides proving something to myself, now I've also got... satisfaction!
##
Perspective - Khaen (Khaen-ta-lup)
Wait.
That day, I dreamed. That day, I was dazed. That day, I was sleepwalking. Or that day, I was just too excited about the Freshman Games.
Yeah, that day couldn't have been real!
"Hey, whose Jupajip is this?"
"What!!!! I didn't kiss anyone, alright!!!"
Whip.
At that moment, all the members of the first-year, makeshift futsal team from the Faculty of Sports Science turn to look at me sitting quietly by the field, all at once. It breaks me out of my deep thoughts, where a friend even comes over to ask if I'm too nervous about the qualifying round or if I have food poisoning or something.
I give a faint smile.
[[Translator's Note: A Jupajip (จูปาจิ๊บ) is a brand of lollipop, and it sounds like jūp (จูบ) which is the Thai word for kiss.]]
"Who said anything about a kiss? They're talking about a lollipop. What's wrong with you, Ai'Khaen?"
"I... nothing." Ai'Good, my classmate and faculty mate, waves that small lollipop, which triggered my panicked reaction. He looks at me, confused, as if the traumatic event from the day before (I'm not exaggerating—it's ten times worse than you can imagine) just makes me shake my head vigorously.
"There's really nothing, man."
How the hell do I say that I lose my... Damn it, I can't even finish the thought. Bloody fucking cur! Yeah, I lost it for the first time to that Ai'Tinn-whatever.
"What? The Pheuak Monkey can get excited too?"
"Hey, P'No, you're here to cheer us on?" My first-year friends immediately turn to look at the football team captain.
They all seem fired up, especially since most of the team members are from the university football club. The mood is like, We're definitely going to win the championship this year. I used to feel that way too, but today...
My brain's foggy, muddled... I can't think clearly!
"Whose Jupajip lollipop is this? I'm taking it..." P'Type, who arrives with P'No, has already taken the lollipop from my friend's hand and continues,
"Jupajip, cola flavor, too. I like it."
Fucking... joo... bloody fucking cur! What the hell is that? Is calling it a lollipop going to hurt you, or what?
"How can you like it? This Jupajip is just for eating, it will ruin your teeth!"
More Jup-Jup (kiss-kiss). Can we stop talking about Jupajip?
"You're such a nag, Ai'No. Whether my teeth rot or not is my business. I'm not using my mouth to suck on yours..."
"Waaah! Are you guys going to stay here much longer? This is a first-year sport event, you know! Go sit in the audience. You're distracting us! If we lose, it's because of you! Do you see that champion? Go sit quietly over there. You guys should stop hanging around and go cheer properly!"
Then I totally snap, jump up to yell at the seniors, and point in another direction, practically shouting across half the field. After I speak, I am panting, catching the attention of more than half the crowd watching the sports science match. This includes my two beloved seniors, the ones I'm infatuated with, who turn to stare at me with their mouths agape before scratching their heads in confusion.
"Alright, alright, I'll go sit over there… Ai'Type, where the hell did that Pheuak Monkey go to eat, from a wasp nest?"
"Do you think I know? I came with you! You're the one! Did you go to annoy the kids or something? That's why they're so rattled." The two seniors walk over to sit down quietly by the field, but the noise floating in the air is what irritates me.
It's not the seniors; it's that bloody fucking cur from the International College!
"Ai'Khaen, what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, I'm fine." I quickly turned my face away or walked off to sit quietly in another corner.
Usually, I enjoy the lively atmosphere of events like this. I would be jumping around, laughing out loud with my friends, but right now…
I am thinking about something!
Why did Tinn come touch his lips to mine... is he trying to make me shut up? Wouldn't it be easier to just punch me? Or is he getting back at me for insulting him? But no, he should punch me instead. Or could he be gay? No way, he doesn't seem like it. Or maybe I just can't tell? God help me! Is he gay?
No, Ai'Khaen, don't think like that. Even if he is gay, he wouldn't be interested in you. Therefore, he must be looking for a way to get back at me for... Jup... yeah, that's it. He must be high on something!
I still try to rationalize things to myself, even though it's been several days. I just can't accept that he did that. No matter how many times I spit it out, that bloody fucking cur's touch is stuck in my head, making me want to rip my lips off.
"Hey! Get on the field! Come on, you guys, let's fight to the death!"
Usually, I'm the one who motivates my friends, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I sluggishly walk over, placing my hand on top of another friend's hand, then let out a soft cheer in my throat, sighing deeply before stepping onto the field.
"Let's fight! We'll do our best!"
Cheers and drumbeats came from both sides. One side was from my faculty, and the other was from today's opponents. Plus, we have a skilled drummer, P'Type's friend from the music department, showing off his drumming skills at the edge of the field. (I was confused, though. What the hell? It's just a sports day drum performance. I didn't understand why we needed a top-level drummer. However, Type insisted on bringing his friend, so whatever, as long as there are girls cheering for us.)
The whistle blew, and it was time for me to channel my inner football player, putting that troublesome thought out of my head. However...
"Ai'Khaen, fight hard! Don't let the team down! If you fall and 'kiss' the ground, we'll kick your ass!"
Whoosh!
"I didn't kiss anything!"
Boom!!!
As soon as that bloody stupid word slips from a senior's mouth, I, running at full speed as a forward, stumble and freeze. I turn around to shout back that I didn't kiss anything, but then... a football from another direction hits me square in the face, knocking me flat on the ground in the middle of the field.
The whole field goes silent. The drumming stops. The cheers quiet. Even the referee's whistle fades before I hear a friend's voice float in from afar.
"Hey, Ai'Khaen, are you okay?"
"I'm... fine! This is nothing!" I try to make a joke, just like usual.
I don't want to admit how incredibly embarrassing this is. Even though I can't stay still, I still feel embarrassed. I try to play it off cool, getting up to continue playing, pulling my hand away from my face, which causes...
"Hey!!! Where's the medical team? Come get Ai'Khaen right now!!!"
"I... won't..."
"Quick! Ai'Khaen's going to bleed out!!!"
"I'm... fine..."
"Bloody fucking cur, your nosebleed is pouring out like a fountain! Someone, drag Ai'Khaen away, now!!!" As soon as my friend finishes speaking, I look at the hand that had been covering my face.
Well, I guess I can't say I'm fine anymore. It's a bloody mess.
Then I got dragged off the field after only... a minute and a half.
~~~
"Put this cloth in your nose and lean forward like this. Yes, just like that," a nurse tells me, and I can only comply, too embarrassed to look anyone in the eye. Honestly, I feel so damn ashamed. It doesn't help that I heard this voice floating in.
"Hey, Pheuak Monkey, how embarrassing is this? A university football player who could only last a minute on the field. Ugh."
"Don't pile on the kid. It's okay, Ai'Khaen. You can try again next time. If we lose though, it's all your fault!"
"Shut up, you two! You don't need to worry about it. You just got hit in the face by a football, and that's why your nose is bleeding," Type chimes in, and it is him who makes me feel the most embarrassed. I can only grumble in response, feeling helpless. The one I am the angriest at... is that fucking shit-lizard Tinn.
Just wait until I see you next time. I'll... I'll... fuck! I'll run away from you to the ends of the earth, you bloody cur!
"Ai'Khaen, I heard you've turned into Ai'Khaen 90 Seconds now!"
"Please, I beg you, friends, don't call me that. I'm already embarrassed enough as it is. Now the news has reached the nurse that I'm Ai'Khaen 90 Seconds."
I wanted to bury my face in the ground. It didn't matter if anyone called me Pheuak Monkey, the restless one, the crazy football player, the loser who gets picked on, the gullible one, and many other nicknames; I laughed and let them call me whatever. However, becoming Ai'Khaen 90 Seconds was not cool at all.
It feels like they think I'm not tough!
"Your nickname is cool. I'm still the king of porn!" Pond seems very proud of his nickname, making me pout.
"Your nickname's good, ha! If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have spaced out like that. I'm so angry. That jerk ruined my reputation. Bloody hell, don't let me catch you! I won't run away with my tail between my legs!"
Fizzle…
"You talking about someone? Whoa, I barely glanced away, and that one piece of squid in my plate is now in your mouth!"
Pond isn't going to blame me. He's too nice. Even if I sneakily grabbed the stir-fried squid from his plate, which only had that one piece left.
"By the way, where's Ae?" I ask the person who suddenly sits down to eat with me, causing Pond to look left and right.
"He'll be here soon. Oh, there he is... Pete! Over here!"
Gasp!
I jolt in surprise and turn to look, spotting Khun-chai, the angelic version, stepping in with Ae. I want to ask why Pond called Pete when I ask about Ae, but since Ae walked in too, whatever. Right now, I have something to ask Pete!
"Ai'Khaen, I heard the news that..."
"Yeah, what you heard is true. I got hit in the face with a ball and only lasted a minute and a half on the field. The club members teased me, and I was given the nickname Ai'Khaen 90 Seconds. Call me whatever you want; I've gotten used to it. I'm not embarrassed. I've been ridiculed since morning. I've given up on being embarrassed…"
I kept talking and talking, as if I'd rather speak first than let anyone else comment. And that makes Ae...
Push! He pushes my head!
"I was going to say that I heard your faculty made it to the next round. Congratulations!" Then, Ae says that, which makes me beam with joy. How can I forget that Ae is not like everyone else? He's such a good person! He never kicks someone when they're down.
"Ugh, I love you, Ae!" I almost open my arms to hug Ae, but he keeps his hand on my head and turns to talk to Pete without a care.
"We're having dry sukiyaki today. I'll buy it for you."
"It's okay, Ae. We can go together."
"There are too many people. You won't squeeze through. Just sit here."
"But…"
"Hey, Pete! Sit here. I have something to ask too. Come on, sit, sit, sit!" I don't know why Pond is making those noises looking for his aunt. I only know that I have something to ask Pete, who seems to want to go buy food himself. However, I grabbed his wrist and pulled the chair next to me for him to sit with me.
Why is Ae looking at my hand so intently?
"Haha! Ae, it's Ai'Khaen! He doesn't think about anything except football and other nonsense." Pond is teasing me, isn't he?
I just laugh.
"True, I don't have much on my mind. By the way, you look a bit scary, Ae." I still don't know why he looks possessive over Pete, but regardless, he's willing to go buy food while Pond goes to buy drinks.
"Do you have something to ask, Khaen?"
What the hell! Just turning to smile, Pete looks incredibly handsome. However, this isn't the time for me to compliment someone else.
"Um, I do have something to ask, but I'm not sure if you'll answer. No, you must answer."
It's rare for me to be at a loss for words like this. I can only scratch my head and make an unsure face before letting out a big sigh.
Will asking this make me seem weird?
"What is it? If I can answer, I will." I stare intently at Pete, using my almond-eyed look to keep my gaze fixed on him, before raising my hands to cover my face.
"If I ask you this, you can't call me strange."
"Okay?" Pete responds, surprised, while I mumble under my breath and take a deep breath.
"Is your friend gay?"
Gasp!
Whoa, Pete jumps! Does that mean Tinn is gay? And what about that kiss... Am I safe, or is my butt in trouble!?
"Uh, friend? Who are you talking about?"
Why does Pete look so flustered? But then again, he might be hiding a secret about his friend.
Panic at the bottle!
"It's Tinn!"
Well, I've come this far, so I might as well ask more.
"Uh, Tinn?" Why does Pete look so confused as soon as I mention Tinn's name? So, he's not, is he?
"Tinn, my friend from IC?"
"Yeah, yeah." I nod vigorously.
Isn't there only one Tinn?
However, a moment later, Pete smiles, and he looks incredibly handsome. Okay, I'm off-topic a bit, and he shakes his head vigorously.
"Are you talking about Tinn? No, no, he's not. As far as I know, Tinn has only dated girls."
"Then he's bi!?!"
I'm strangely confident about this.
"Not really. Tinn actually seems to dislike gay people from what I know."
Why does Pete look sad when he talks about this? In a moment though, he smiles again, prompting me to ask further.
"Can a guy who isn't gay kiss another guy?"
"Khaen, you're talking as if you saw Tinn kiss a guy?"
Why does Pete have to be so smart? Just a slip-up, and he's piecing everything together perfectly.
"No... no. It's just, um, I'm just curious. They say that good-looking, fashionable guys who drive fancy cars aren't manly at all. And your friend fits the bill almost perfectly—ugly face, dog-like personality, swerving on the road like a thug. So, I just wanted to know if someone like that is actually manly. Next time we meet, I might have the right to insult him." I'm really bitter about this, to the point where I can't bring myself to compliment him, even knowing the truth is the opposite.
"By the way, I'm going to buy a drink first." With that, I stand up.
Pete doesn't pry; it's not like he guessed wrong. So, I'd better go find that porn king at the drink shop. Still, I have lingering questions.
So, is he or isn't he? And if he isn't, why did he... why am I making a heavenly palace out of a conch shell!?
Damn it, this is frustrating!
~~~
"Hey, hey! Pond, over here!"
Tonight isn't a match for the sports science students, but it's the battle between engineering and international students taking the field. Therefore, my friends and I, who have already set our sights on facing engineering in the final showdown, have come to gather intel. Plus, I received a call from Pond saying... to reserve a spot for him.
I'm really being used, both inside and outside the faculty.
"Reserve a spot for Pete, too." When we arrive, not only does he sit down with his girlfriend, but he also has the nerve to place his girlfriend's bag to reserve a spot for Pete. I have to ask.
"This is the engineering zone, you know. Why would Pete, being an international student, sit here to cheer?"
"Oh, you don't know anything. Pete cheers for people, not faculties." Pond has that sly look as if he knows something but refuses to share, so I just nod in agreement.
"Oh, he's cheering for Ai Ae, huh? It's strange, though. Why are those two always glued together? Especially now, they seem to be together all the time. Wherever Ae is, Pete is there too. Even when cheering, he's here cheering for Ae instead of his own faculty…"
I keep talking, following my usual chattiness, when Pond's phone rings. He answers the call.
"Come on in! I'm sitting at the front of the entrance. Can you see me? I'm waving my hand." I try to help Pond look for him, thinking it's Pete who's calling. With someone radiating that Khun-chai aura, how could he not be seen? At the same time...
"There he is, Pond!" Pond's girlfriend exclaims, tugging at his shirt to look the other way. As I said, that Khun-chai aura is so prominent you can spot it at a glance.
And what if that aura is doubled?
"Whoa, Pete brought a friend along!"
The actions of both the angelic aura men sometimes come together... What a shock! How the hell am I supposed to escape from this?
The battle on the field begins, and my focus and brain scatter the moment I see the face of that kiss-thief who looks back at me for a brief moment. I can swear his expression is so smug that I want to punch him just as much as I want to be as far away from him as possible.
I take things one step at a time.
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